Note on Gondor™-records: Few histories are more controversial than
that of Gondor™, about which the most incredible flamewars still rage.
In accord, then, with Present Spiegel's desire for balance, we have
included both Dr. Faramir's drafts, and Sauron's sometimes rather
acerbic marginal commentary, as well as some original documents. We
hope this goes some way towards shedding light on a dark/glorious
period in our history.
THE SOUTHERN SQUIGGLE: HEIRS AND ENSIGNS OF ISILDUR
Kings of Gondor™/Chairmen of the Board. Isildur, Anarchion abdicated
SA 3440, Insultir son of Anarchion 158, Micindur 238, Donaldil 324,
Gúfion 411, Plutondil 492, Ronindocil (Carausar) 541, Torombon 667,
Athanatar I 748. Here followed the four 'Ship-kings':
Tyrannon Franconia 913. He was the first bankrupt king, and was bought
out by the son of his commercial rival, Tarcunardo. Etruria †936,
Carinthia †1015, Harmindio (Carpathia) 1149. Gondor™ was now a
Athanatar II Al-Karim "the Noble" 1226, Normal I 1294. He was the
second bankrupt king and was bought out by a branch of the family that
had invested in plastics. Caloris 1304, Minimas (President of the
Corporation 1240-1304), raised to the Chair as Gaijindil 1304, died
1366, Valoris. In his time the first disaster of Gondor™ began, the
War Between the Fiefs.
Lavoris son of Valoris (at first called Winebibba), assassinated 1465,
Castawei (Lord Protector), 1453-1458.
Minuscul I 1540, Venereon 1621, Minuscul II 1634, Telecom †1636.
Telecom and all his subsidiaries perished in the Crash; he was
succeeded by his nephew, the son of Miniscus, son of Minuscul II.
Morondor 1798, Normal II 1856, Nixonir 1974. Nixonir and his two
vice-presidents perished during the Sexual Revolution, but records of
their deaths have been mysteriously erased. The Chair was given to the
victorious general Eärwag, who is not known to be related to the
previous royal families at all. Eärwag 2043, Eïsner †2050. Here the
line of the Kings came to an end, until it was restored by Ariellë
Húriniel in 3019. The realm was then nominally presided over by the
Steuards of Gondor™. The House of Urin: Palaeocon 'the Kow-Tipper'. He
was the power behind the throne in the days of Nixonir, and wrote the
official commentary on the preposterous claims of Ar-Vegetal. Mardil
'the Voracious', the first of the Ruling Stewards. He and his
successors began to trademark their names.
Ruling Steuards. Mardil™ 2080, Erudit™ 2116, Heroin™ 2148, Bellicos™
2204, Urin™ 2244, Túrin™ I 2278, Hattor™ 'the Mad' 2395, Berendan™
'the Voyager' 2412, Christian Dior™ 2435, Denethor™ I 2477, Fred™
2489, Cirion™ 2567. In his time the Belchoth acquired Rohan for a belt
Alas™ 2605, Blecchthor™ I 2628, Misterrodreth™ 2685, Martha™ †2701,
Englebert™ I †2701, Bluto™ †2701, Bariton™ †2701, Blecchthor™ II
†2701. Here followed the Great Massacree.
Boromir™ I 2882, Túrin™ II 2953, Englebert™ II 2984, Denethor™ II. He
was the last of the ruling Steuards and was followed by his son
Boromir™ II 'the Deathless'.
GONDOR™ AND THE HEIRS AND ASSIGNS OF ANARCHION
There were twenty-nine (or thirty, or thirty-one, depending on who was
counting) rulers of the Magic Kingdom of Gondor™ after Anarchion the
Sartorially Challenged Waterfowl, who abdicated (due to a fit of
political self-contradiction) at the time of the fall of Mordor, and
was then brutally murdered; though his legacy lives on for ever in the
uniform of the Tower of Guard. The debate about how to enumerate the
Kings of Gondor™ begins with Anarchion, and only gets worse
thereafter. Nonetheless, all good people accept that the line of
Isildur Anarchion's sire is the only 'great and unfailing line of
truly just and noble kings who rightfully should hold undying Godlike
dominion over every little bit of Middle-earth by divine right.'1
What the historians of Gondor™ don't tell you is that I was quietly
minding my own business, subjecting Muddle-earth to my absolute
dominion and introducing its inhabitants to opera, postmodern theory,
and strip-tease joints, when a bunch of appallingly tacky ships
arrived carrying outlandish cartoon characters, who proceeded to
completely ruin my day. They insisted on founding one of their pitiful
mortal "kingdoms" right within the limites naturelles of Mordor. Not
content with that, that Isildur cad stole my wogah, Miniwethil
(who had been getting rather annoying lately, nazwaz), and stained her
dress. When I caught them in flagrante, Isildur bit off my finger
(with the Ring on it), while Mini distracted me with a provocative
dance. The bounders! That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.
(Anarchion was the son of Isildur the Embarrassed and Miniwethil, who
was formerly Sauron's wogah; it is said that Sauron was a sorry loser
and that jealousy was the principal motive for his boundless hatred
for Gondor™, with whom Mordor was formerly allied. Subsequently, Black
Pete slew Isildur with a killfile, whereupon Miniwethil teamed up with
War never ceased on the borders of Gondor™, for the neighbors of
Gondor™ unjustly demanded territory which Gondor™ had rightfully taken
from them, and Gondor™ in return was forced to acquire their territory
to obtain proper strategic depth, and all such territory was, is, and
always shall be the inalienable possession of Gondor™ forever.
YR! Tell it to the Pediannath!
However, for a thousand years and more the Toonedain became rich and
powerful, until the reign of Athanatar II, who was called Al-karim,
the Noble. Yet the signs of decay had already appeared; for the
plantation-owners of the South speculated wildly in unsuitable crops
like the White Weed, and utterly failed to create an industrial
infrastructure, and had an atrocious accent, besides. The first
bankrupt king was Franconia, and the second Normal I, the son of
It was Insultir the second (or third) king who built Disgiliath, the
City of Tomorrow, and erected the Needle of Heaven. In his time
Gondor™ first had to deal with hordes of strange-eyed tourists from
Out East. Micindur, the third or fourth king, built the Magic Studio,
and the Ears were revered by Tourists from all Muddle-earth, so that
Gondor™ became horribly crowded during the busy season. But Carausar
the eighth (or ninth) king raised rates so high that the Tourists were
driven out, and he took the name of Ronindocil "the Gentle Maniac";
but they were only replaced by richer visitors. Torombon his son
increased tariffs yet again, and the tourist trade accordingly
dwindled in his time.
Insultir initiated the Gondorians' "glorious" tradition of killing
each other off when he drowned Anarchion in sweet-and-sour sauce from
the Easterling realm of Zing. His architecture, moreover, was in even
more horrendous taste than El-Arazôn's. His descendants were a bunch
of brigands who vomited with their dogs while exploiting the
Southrons, gouging the Easterling Tourists, and forcing their subjects
to listen to the most appallingly sappy music.
With Tyrannon, the eleventh (or twelfth) king, began the line of
Ship-kings, who invested heavily in the cruising trade, and created
shipping lines that sailed along the brilliant white sand beaches of
the Ethir and south along the coasts toward Dumbar. To commemorate his
favorable balance sheets, Tyrannon took the crown in the name of
Franconia, "Lord of Coins".
I don't know whether I was more repelled by Tyrannon's brutal
union-busting in Toreador (co-opting them is so much more civilized),
or by his patronage of the Archies.
Etruria, his nephew, who succeeded him, turned the ancient haven of
Pelargir into a bustling marina and oceanfront theme park. He also
sailed to Dumbar, and took it, and it became the site of a great
casino and hotel complex of Gondor™. He it was who first harnessed the
Flying Mûmaks. But Etruria did not long survive his triumph. He
captained a yacht into the harbor of Dumbar, and following a
boisterous on-deck party, fell overboard and was lost at sea. The
Kings of Gondor™ never forgave the Southrons this outrage.
Carinthia his son continued to expand the settlement at Dumbar; but
the Southrons of Toreador, led by the swarthy Númenórean warlord
Zapâtha, came up with great strength and Carinthia took a bullet to
the head one sultry night.
For many years Gondor™ invested in Dumbar, but it failed to yield a
profit due to the harassment of the Zapâthim. Carpathia son of
Carinthia bided his time, and at last, when he had gathered quatloos,
he hired a noble army of mercenaries who devastated the land far and
wide about, making it impossible for the Zapâthim to support
themselves within a hundred miles of Dumbar. The Zapâthim thereupon
made their submission to Gondor™, and Carpathia took the name of
No enemy dared to contest the glorious might of Harmindio for the rest
of his long reign. He was king for one or two hundred years; unhappily
the records of this time are quite obscure, and some historians
maintain that there were two or three Harmindios, while others argue
that even one is too many.
In his day, Gondor™ the realm extended north and west to Forohell,
east to Rhoon, and south beyond Dumbar. The Men of Smirkwood were
tributary, and the Dumbarians — except for a tiny group of malcontents
— were happy, contented peons who loved Gondor™ because we had done so
much for them. Mordor was desolate, but its mountain ranges provided
perfect ski-slopes for Gondor™'s winter tourists.
What I heard was that there were twenty of him, each of whom found a
more imaginative way of murdering the last. Although I had nothing to
do with the Zapâthim, and certainly didn't smuggle arms to them via
Easterling intermediaries with money seized from drug racketeers
(since I was busy looking at pornography in my winter palace in Dol
Guldur), yet I couldn't help sympathizing with them. For Gondor
mistreated the flying mûmaks of Dumbar abominably by forcing them to
wear clown-makeup, made their peons sing "I-S-I-L-D-U-R spells
Isildur," and forced their Orc-slaves to build ghastly ski-resorts in
the Ethel Duwap.
So ended the line of the Ship-Kings. Athanatar Al-Karim son of
Harmindio lived in great splendor, with diamond-studded jumpsuits, the
finest pomade for his pompadour and many many rings on his fingers.
But Athanatar loved hot dogs and hamburgers, and never exercised; and
his sons were of like physique. Inflation had already begun to rise in
Gondor™ before Athanatar died of arteriosclerosis, and its enemies
noted this. Copyright infringement was not challenged. Nonetheless, it
was not until the days of Valoris that the first great evil came upon
Gondor™: the Civil War (or "War of Northern Aggression"), in which
great loss and ruin was caused, and never fully repaired, for want of
Minimas son of Caloris was a man who took his vitamins, and in 1240
(or thereabouts), Normal, to better enjoy his many wives, made him
President of the Corporation. From that time on he governed Gondor™ in
the name of the Chairmen of the Board until he became Chairman
himself. His chief concern was with the North Men.
These had developed industries far beyond those of Gondor™, and were
the primary processors of Gondor™'s agricultural products, which they
then sold back to Gondor™ in the form of worked goods at many times
their value. Despite the riots this frequently caused in the streets,
the kings favored them, based on some ancient and questionable
race-doctrine that claimed that they were more closely related to the
Gondor™ians than other people. The Kings of Gondor™ also liked to
think that the North Men were a useful buffer against the tourists
from Out East.
In the days of Normal I, the Easterners began to return again, this
time with many tiny cameras and absurdly loud shirts. And President
Minimas learned that the North Men would sometimes join the Eastern
tourist groups, and were snapping their own photos of Gondor™'s
monuments, rather than buying the official postcards. Minimas
therefore in 1248 enacted a stringent set of border restrictions,
which effectively prevented the Easterners from entering. He then took
the name of Gaijindil.
In excluding the Tourists, Gaijindil was not only evil, but stupid,
since they were Gondor's principal source of income. With them gone,
the Gondorians were obliged to gouge each other instead, which, along
with their notorious Racism, led to their Civil War. (Humans are
always civil-warring each other, an annoying habit that can sometimes
be useful — not that my agents provocateurs were in any way involved.)
Gaijindil was intrigued by the industrial ways of the North, and sent
his son Valoris north to spy out the customs of their factories. But
Valoris exceeded his father's designs, marrying a girl called Jill
from the wrong side of the tracks. It was some years before he was
allowed to return. From this marriage came the War of the Northern
'For the Gondor™ians had already begun to place signs in their windows
saying "No North Men Need Apply"; and it was a thing unheard of that a
Gondor™ian of royal blood should marry a woman of strange race and
religion. By the end of Valoris' term, the men of the Southern
provinces had already begun to secede, realizing that if a strange
half-Northerner were to take the throne, he might deprive them of
their valuable peons, whom, of course, they treated better than their
'Following a long war, Valoris' son Lavoris at first defeated the
Southerners through treachery and the use of vast numbers of
industrialized North Men. But a noble Southerner began the fine
tradition of tyrant-assassination, so frequent in the later annals of
Gondor™, by sending Lavoris on his journey into the next life a little
early, which was no better than the degenerate little Northy-lover
Minuscul I, son of Lavoris, made peace with the Southerners and
allowed them to keep their peons and the havens of Dumbar with their
lucrative casino revenues. They erected on the shores of Tampalas a
noble stadium, and there were mighty bowl games betwixt the Tampalas
Bay Corsairs and the Minas Tirith™ Kings.
I heard that Minuscul was none other than Br'er Fox, the Southerner
who first murdered Lavoris in a peculiarly imaginative way by tossing
him into a briar patch, and then had the effrontery to claim to be his
son. He may well have been the worst king Gondor ever had, for he
originated the appalling institution of palantirvision sports
broadcasts, with their imbecilic beer-commercials.
The second evil came upon Gondor™ in the reign of Telecom, son of
Minuscul II, the twenty-fourth, twenty-fifth, or twenty-sixth king. In
his time the stock market of Gondor™ reached unprecedented heights on
a wave of speculation; and on Friday, the first of April, 1636, the
bubble burst and the market plunged. Telecom in his despair leapt from
the Needle of Heaven; and Morondor, his nephew, was forced to flee his
creditors to the mountain fastness of Minas Tirith™. From thence he
bombarded Disgiliath, and the city has been in ruins ever since, to
remind creditors of that noble truth, "The King cannot be required to
pay his Debts".
This evil could have been avoided, had Gondor had naz decent
economists instead of the usual acolytes of Miltondur Fredmanion.
The third evil was the Sexual Revolution, which sapped the waning
strength of Gondor™ by causing them to expend their energies in orgies
that seemed to last a hundred years. It was brought on by loose-living
folk, known as Bîtnikim, or Hippîm, who preached about love and peace
and the escape from the rat race of an eternal quest for money. These
troublemakers flourished at the University of Dagorlad, an allegedly
international institution founded by Orcs who, it seems, acted at the
behest of Sauron. The Hippîm were, as was later proven, actually
stirred up by the Winoriders of the East2; and for many years the
people of Gondor™ were deluded by their talk of a happy, simple life,
as Sauron's paramour worked them up to a frenzy with her screeching at
the newly built band shell of Caer Andrews. Mordor, no doubt, smiled
as investment in Gondor™'s industries declined and the Gondor™ians
abandoned expensive athletic shoes for sandals, and tight-fitting
suits for peasant blouses, and permed hair for the long natural look,
and started to let it all hang loose, maaaaaaan.
'But at a time when the Hippîm and Winoriders were all gathered for a
"Summer of Love" at the campus of Dagorlad, Eärwag the Philosopher,
Governor of Ethelien, sent down the Gondor™ian National Guard and,
storming the campus, purged the Kingdom of that disaffected element
for many a year.3 When King Nixonir died soon after of a surfeit of
tapes, the Council named Eärwag King in recognition of his services in
preserving the Gondor™ian Way Of Life® at the Battle of the Campus.
Ar-Vegetal, the degenerate "king" of the semi-fictitious northern
realm of Arthurdame (which one historian has accurately summed up as
consisting of "a round table and a heraldic scroll") disputed the
right to the throne with Eärwag, but as anyone with half a brain could
see that Ar-Vegetal didn't have the germ of a case, Eärwag became King
by popular acclaim.'
During my absence in Dol Guldur, my enlightened philosophy inspired
the Orcs, Trolls, Rogs, Roaches, Sopranos, etc. to ever more glorious
cultural achievements. Alas, they were rudderless without my guiding
hand (which was busy with Jadis Joplin — my wogah and not my paramour,
if you please — and the Dol Guldur Experimental Opera — especially the
Women's Chorus), and drug-dealers from the west had already begun to
infiltrate the borders of Mordor. A brilliant, though somewhat
depraved Orc-theorist affirmed the Transcendence of Wogah over War,
and his teachings spread like rog-fire among the Orcs and others,
including even the Gondorians, and thus gave rise to the Hippîm
movement. But Eärwag, the so-called philosopher (who had gotten about
as far as Voltaire), first corrupted them with drugs, and then
brutally mowed them down with radioactive pixie-dust.
In the day of Eïsner son of Eärwag, the Nazdaq of Mordor acquired
Minas Ethel, the Tower of the Moonies, from Gondor™ by direst
treachery. For the Leech-King, a notable tenor of Swarthy Númenórean
blood, played upon Eïsner's passion for gambling, and in an
exceptionally long late-night session won Minas Ethel. (It is a
testimony to the Good Steuard Mardil's patience that he did not seem
the least upset by this outrage; if anything, he appeared quite
pleased.) "Eïsner held two Aces and a Jack, and the Leech-king held a
repeating crossbow with barbed and poisoned quarrels and a battleaxe,"
as the histories tell us4. On his return, it is said, Mardil sent
Eïsner, rather the worse for wear, Out East for mystic healing, whence
the story-tellers say he will return one day to reclaim his Crown.
But other loremasters maintain that Eïsner was cryogenically frozen
under Minas Epcot, where Shelob allegedly cooked and ate him during
the Bad, or Nasty Winter.
Well, it is hardly the Leech's fault that Eïsner was an appalling
gambling addict (he would have won earlier if not for the fact that
Eïsner was an equally appalling cheat). It was perfectly fair for the
Leech-king to use a battle-axe and crossbows, given that Gondor had
much more deadly weapons at its disposal, such as "shooting the moon."
Besides, I bet what really happened was that the Leech started
singing, and Eïsner ran away covering his ears. (I have to admit that
the, er, aid I sent Mardil was worth it. He had indeed learned his
lessons at Dagorlad quite well, for a Gondorian.) As for the canard
about Shelob, it is a bald-faced lie! Shelob had better taste than to
eat frozen food!
The House of the Steuards was called the House of Urin, but the
Steuards early abandoned it for more pleasant-smelling dwellings. They
were the descendents of Steuard, the butler of King Minuscul II. From
him they took the name of "Steuard", but since few folk could spell it
correctly, they were also known as Stewards, Stewarts, Steuarts and
Stuarts, and the correct ancient spelling was known only to a few.
After his day, the Kings grew lazy and incompetent, and allowed the
Steuards to take control of the administration of the Magic Kingdom™;
and as this was an age of extensive nepotism, it just so happened that
all the Steuards were chosen from the same family.
Each new Steuard indeed took office with the oath "to balance the
account books until King Eïsner returns from China," but it was soon
understood that the latter clause had the same meaning as "never". Yet
those in Gondor™ who still read the low-grade, puerile romances
frequently available in paperback, liked to think that the King would
eventually return; and some, who were called Tories, or Vegetarians,
remembered the ancient line of "Kings over the Barrel" in the
barbarous realm of Arnor. But the Ruling Steuards justly had such
people flogged and pilloried.
Mardil™ the Voracious was the first to trademark the most prominent
names in Gondor™, to protect them against infringement by competitors.
In one of his less wise moves, he founded the first universities; some
say he got this idea by hanging out with the Leech-king a bit more
than was good for him, but this is a scurrilous lie. After Mardil™,
the first of the line, came one thousand and seventy-three Ruling
Steuards of Gondor™, until the days of Denethor™ II, the 1,075th and
During the days of the Peaceful Watch they had quiet, for a strict
regime of censorship kept bad news from reaching their ears, and high
tariffs kept out foreign imports. But from the time of Denethor™ I,
the black market flourished, and even when Gondor™ was at war foreign
customs still had a baleful influence upon the Gondor™ian Way of
Life®. Túrin I was the first Steuard whose daughter was a spinster; he
was succeeded by his natural son Hattor, who sniffed glue. Hattor's
successor Berendan 'the Voyager' went on a commercial trip to sell
insurance in Valinor, and never returned. At this time, there were
dealings between Gondor(tm) and Mordor; but there was never
The early Steuards weren't all that bad, I guess, although true amity
was impossible, since they had appalling musical tastes (some harridan
named Madarna IIRC), and their language is displeasing to my finely
attuned ear and has a horrendous orthography. And their color schemes
were completely off.
In the last years of Denethor™ I, the race of uruks — huge
prefect-orcs with bad accents and worse manners — first appeared out
of Mordor, and in 2475 they swept across Ethelien™ and began to set up
private schools in Disgiliath™. In their train came nightclubs,
gambling houses, and other dens of vice in which the Spider-women of
the Ethel Duwap fleeced their miserable mates.
Denethor I was an appalling bully who got his jollies by spanking
innocent Orclings with rulers. Sicko. And as for vice, several
prominent Men of Gondor"™" used to frequent these establishments,
which they hypocritically forbade their own subjects. Worse yet,
Gondor's MEIA had already begun the abominable practice of
drug-running, although at this stage they didn't have much success,
because the Nazdaq still actually earned their keep. But Ethelien was
already known as the "garden" of Gondor.
Fred™, son of Denethor™ raised an army of Headmasters armed with
switches and rulers, and so cleared Ethelien™ of the uruks; but
Disgiliath was ruined and its trademark lost, and it remained a
tax-free haven where every kind of vice flourished for the remainder
of the Age. No Gondor™ians could afford to live their afterwards. It
was during this period that the Hippîm arose again, and were not fully
dislodged from Gondor™'s universities until the time of Cirion.
Fred™ was an easygoing kind of guy, with a nice sweater, and even the
Leech-king got along with him. Indeed, the two frequently worked on
crossword puzzles together; it was on one such occasion that they
hammered out the Disgiliath Accords, which stipulated that the
Mordorians had to stand on one side of the wall and sing opera, while
the Gondor™ians threw Kows and epithets at them. He was wise and
valiant, but he liked to be loved by all other people, and he received
a cutting insult in the war with the uruks that rankled for the rest
of his days.
Fred was OK, although he had an annoying habit, at diplomatic
meetings, of playing a guitar and singing country and western. I
almost couldn't keep from laughing when Cholmondely Blargh called him
a looby, but I made an attempt to mollify him by singing the
After him began the days of Cirion™ of the Long Ruler. He was watchful
and beady-eyed, but his arms were short, and he could do little more
than enact protectionist statutes, while his enemies deluged Gondor™
with goods that could not be kept out. The Corsairs had a 67-11 record
over the Kings in the reign of Cirion™, but it was in the north that
his chief peril lay. In the wild lands of Rhomeonion, between
Smirkwood and Rhoon, a highly sexualized people dwelt, under the
influence of a shadowy Vicelord who called himself Don Gulduro. Often
they peddled their pornography and sexual aids through the forest,
until the tourist attractions of Gondor™ were deserted, and there was
a giant sucking sound as of all the quatloos in Gondor™ being vacuumed
up the Anduin.
The Belchoth (for so this people was called) were continually added to
by even hotter peoples from Out East, whereas the people of Rohan were
badly dressed, had big hair, too much makeup, and mostly lived in
trailer parks. Cirion™ was hard put to it to keep the evil influences
of the Belchoth from crossing the Anduin.
'Foreseeing the storm, Cirion™ sent away for a few hundred more
snow-plows, but over-late; for that winter, the Belchoth crossed the
frozen Anduin and began to pervert the people: their men came over and
wooed our womenfolk, while their women tried to rape our men6. At the
same time, a new menace emerged from the secret headquarters of Don
Gulduro: the Snûpîm, plastic beagles covered with black spots and the
mysterious words "Get Mordor: It Pays!" These circulated throughout
Minas Tirith™, even turning up on vice-presidential desks, until
corporate morale was at an all-time low. So it was that Cirion™ was
forced to cede the province of Rohan to Yorl the Kid, the
thirteen-year-old leader of the Belchoth, in return for his promising
to pay off the Gondor™ian national debt.' The Belchoth now called
themselves Rohirrim, and the former inhabitants of Rohan were forced
to flee into Dunland. Rohan came to be generally known as Edoras.
The Belchoth were incredibly annoying, and I was glad to get rid of
them; and frankly, Cirion"™" deserved them, the semi-literate
self-important little twit. Almost as snobby as an Elf, and had
shockingly bad taste in poetry
("anything's a poym/as long as it rhoym"). What a hypocrite, banning
pornography (or erotica, as I prefer to call it), while pushing
drugs. Couldn't help putting him down a peg with the invasion of the
Sunûp-hai, the invention of Charlz Lurtz: a brilliantly subversive
send-up of Gondor"™"ian commercialism.
In the days of Martha™, the sixteenth Steuard, an even greater evil
fell upon Gondor™. Mardil™ the Good had decreed that each Steuard
should be succeeded by the husband of his eldest daughter; but Martha™
was unmarried when her father Misterrodreth™ died, and she refused to
consider any suitors. She created a vast shopping empire based on home
appliances and cooking ware and helpful household tips. It was Martha™
who replaced the ancient, dour, and devalued quatloo with the happy,
smiling flokarino, "the people's coin". But her irritating pretensions
to omnicompetence, her use of expensive ingredients unavailable to the
ordinary consumer, and her generally inflated prices led to a wave of
discontent. At last, following the revelation of an insider trading
scandal, Martha™ was stabbed in the back by a six-inch long
Wusthof-Trident® of Gondor™ "Classic" Sandwich Knife (Price: F70.00)
while cooking Brytta-Léofa's Currant Cumin Potato Cakes (Makes 18
Cakes!) live on PalanTirith™.
I wogahed her once, an interesting experience that I was not tempted
to repeat. Wogah aside, however, she was quite possibly the most
annoying of the Steuards.
This led to a wave of anarchy. Martha™ was succeeded by Englebert™ I,
Bluto™, Bariton™ (also called Bing Krozbi; he was murdered during a
singing competition with Sauron, who cunningly pretended to be
shocked), and Blecchthor™ II each of whom were assassinated in quick
succession. The Board of Directors thus hesitated before naming a new
Steuard. No claimant to the Chair could be found who was of pure
finances, or whose claim all would allow. The Atlantean Mugwump
Ar-Assol, soi-disant heir of the "kings" of Arthurdame, raised of
course the usual genealogical claim, but it was routinely rejected. It
was finally decided that the right to rule Gondor™ inhered in all the
descendants of Mardil™, and that therefore each of them was to be
known as "Steuard of Gondor™", while the actual administration would
remain with the Council.
I was not pretending; I really was taken aback. At first, I thought
they'd killed Bariton"™" because it was blindingly obvious that I had
won, but then I realized that it was just another stupid Gondor"™"ian
power struggle. The advantage of only having one ruler for several
millennia, as we did in Mordor, is that one can avoid that sort of
The Great Massacree followed. Within the month 1,051 members of the
family, including children, had brutally murdered each other. At this
time there appeared in Gondor™ a wise, kindly old recovering alcoholic
named Aruman. The Council welcomed him, and gave him the choice of the
next Steuard; and with his calm, persuasive words and good advice he
brought an end to the carnage. He chose a youth named Jimmy, who was
raised to the Chair as Boromir™ I, 1,072nd Steuard of Gondor™. As a
reward, Aruman was given the tower of Eyesore at Isengard to dwell in.
It had long been ruinous, but Aruman cheerfully accepted it as a
"fixer-upper" and turned it into an experimental "public" school for
Orcs. Boromir™ it was who had the Treehouse of the Courtyard built,
but after he turned nineteen he went no more to it, and it was
abandoned; but it was left standing "until Eïsner gets back from
Couldn't help finding the massacre mildly amusing, even if it was also
a tragic demonstration of the Gondor"™"ians; incapacity for
self-government. As for Aruman, he was mostly all right, but rather
irritating and ungrateful, and gave the Orc-prefects too much power.
In the days of Túrin™ II Gondor™ was threatened again, for Sauron was
becoming aroused. The people of Gondor™ could no longer afford to shop
in the malls of Disgiliath and removed west over Anduin; for the uruks
were once again abroad, and would kidnap children and force them to
play rugby. Túrin™ was a lover of experimental art; and he had filled
Ethelien with valuable exhibit pieces, cunningly hidden under hills or
inside trees or behind waterfalls. To these at times would the Rangers
of Gondor™ come and gaze at them in nostalgic admiration, though they
did not understand them.
It was also Túrin™ who ripped down the ancient bandshell at Caer
Andrews, for he frowned on any but classical music. But his chief
peril came from the South, from Rîô and Toreador, where the peons had
revolted and claimed the land beyond Los Porros for themselves. When
they entered Ethelien and began to plant the White Weed, King Folcwine
of Edoras equalled the Bid of Yorl by obtaining a great price from
Gondor™ in return for his mercenary army. The Rohirrim massacreed the
Peons at Los Porros; but the sons of Folcwine, Folcsong and Folclor,
never returned. Malicious gossips claimed that they had run away in
order to enjoy the freedoms of the Southlands; but in Edoras it is
said that they died a noble and heroic death, and their spirits still
haunt Los Porros.
I fail to see how my being aroused threatened anything other than
Shelob's somewhat dubious virginity. As for the uruks, they were just
trying to be friendly, but the Gondor"™"ians were an appallingly
stand-offish bunch. I had to punish one or two of the Orcs by putting
them on shoe-shining duty, though. I have to admit that Túrin had
decent tastes by Gondorian standards, and even considered erecting an
opera house; but the Council overruled him. Unfortunately, our shared
tastes weren't limited to art and music, but extended to women, so
things started getting pretty nasty towards the end; after that, our
relations with Gondor went downhill. (BTW, it's true that
Folk-whatever and Folk-whozit's spirits remained in Los Porros, and
indeed a famous local aguardiente is named for them.)
'Englebert™ II, nephew of Túrin™, was a hopeless judge of men. He
allowed into his army all sorts of people, regardless of race, colour,
or creed. He even allowed a stranger from the distant Northlands
(badly disguised as a renegade Southron) to take command of Gondor™'s
army. He gave his name as Ara-uh-Thorgil, but in Gondor™ he was known
as Araphatz, for he was a man of weight.
'It soon proved that Ara-uh-Thorgil's judgment was as poor as
Englebert™'s, for without provocation he led an expedition to Dumbar
and burned the fishing-boats and pleasure-craft at the marina.
Englebert™ had to explain to the nation that such a preemptive strike
against Dumbar was necessary, for Dumbar was attempting to build
Weapons of Mass Corruption which could be air-delivered by Flying
Mûmakil. Following a screaming match with Englebert™'s son Denethor™,
Ara-uh-Thorgil left in a huff. His parting words were mysterious:
"Just wait 'til I'm king!".' For that reason some credulous dupes
thought that perhaps he was King Eïsner returned.
The Gondor"™"ians thought that they could get away with unprovoked
aggression in my absence. Forgotten the Nazdaq? No wonder the
historians say "men slept." Perhaps the real reason for Gondor"™"'s
decline was that they didn't have coffee!
'Denethor™ was a jolly man, stouter and more pleasant-natured than any
Steuard of Gondor™ before him; and he was cunning with figures, and a
master of many sciences, and he liked to dress up like Elendil. Indeed
he was as unlike Ara-uh-Thorgil as it was possible to be, save for a
similar stoutness about the tum; but only idiots esteemed
Ara-uh-Thorgil to be half the man Denethor™ was. But though their
counsels were ever at variance, it was thought that the cause of
Ara-uh-Thorgil's departure was not what he liked to call "singeing the
King of Dumbar's beard", but rather the matter of Gandalf the Grey.
Ever Denethor™ warned his father not to put his trust in
Ara-uh-Thorgil's mentor Gandalf, but rather to welcome Aruman of
Isengard. Englebert™ however accepted Gandalf in the office of Court
Fool, which allowed him near access to the Chair.
During the Steuardships of Englebert"™" II and Denethor"™" II, my war
with Gondor went quite well until the end, partly because Englebert"™"
was an appalling incompetent, and partly acos I'm immortal and the
Gondor"™"ians ain't. The genocidal double-crosser Gandalf changed all
'When Denethor™ became Steuard, he undertook to reorder both his
household and finances. Gandalf was soon removed from his position as
Court Fool, and departed with words of ill prophecy, and many were
glad to see him leave.' After he returned and burned several of
Gondor™'s historical records, he was even less welcome.
'Denethor™ had two sons by his first wife Clarabella™. The first was
Boromir™, in whom the blood of the Toonedain ran true, or nearly so;
the second, "Dr. Faramir™", who became a celebrated scientist in his
day and had a great many graduate students working for him.' Some
malicious gossipers maintained that Dr. Faramir was actually Gandalf's
son and not Denethor™'s; this is a calumny, and any resemblance
between Gandalf and Dr. Faramir is purely a coincidence. (Some Dr.
Faramir was later killed; others say his death was faked; still others
say he's alive and well and is writing a commentary on Sauron's Ode to
YR! And I notice that you omit any reference to Dr. Faramir's
drug-running activities in cahoots with Tom Bombadildo's
narcoterrorists. As I remarked at the time, "my heart bleeds to see
the perversion of so much potential by Gondor's predatory educational
finance system and by racist anti-Orc indoctrination." 7.
'After the death of Clarabella™, Denethor™ married Lossiel™ of the
High-Pitched Syrupy Voice; he and his wife took into their care
Ariellë, a child brought to them at the dead of night by a fisherman
who claimed to have "found her by the seaside". They raised her as
their own child, and she grew to be a young woman of many
accomplishments and stunning beauty. It may have been the Leech-king's
unsuccessful attempts to woo Ariellë that led to increased
hostilities, wherein Mordor unleashed its deadly tango hordes, and
Gondor™ was afflicted by the Embarrassment of Prince Armadillo.
Deadly? Hardly! In fact, I heard they were rather fun. Besides, you
don't hear me whining about Gondor"™"ian Toons singing "Whistle while
you slay," do you? BTW, the rejection of Ariellë's peace conference
wasn't my idea, but Deeanna Troll's; it seems she wanted to become an
evil empire or something (she even started wearing a Darth Vader
mask). Been there, done that, all I got out of it was a lousy T-shirt.
'But of all that befell these three in the War of the Ring much is
said elsewhere. And after the War the days of the Ruling Stewards came
to an end (despite the followers of Bonny Prince Borrie™), for dusty
and doubtless forged genealogies were shaken off, and the kingship was
renewed, and the Banner of the Ears flew once more from the Tower of
Commerce (that is, until some disreputable rabble-rousing Orc-lovers
established a so-called Republic of Morondor, with some nobody named
Spiegel as "President").' In later years, Aragon had a decentish
career as a rogaine salesman-cum-opposition politician-cum-rock star.
2 They were the first to introduce the hoeg or harli, two-wheeled
monstrosities that were doubtless bred in Mordor, perhaps in Udûn; for
the Winoriders frequently went by the name of Belain-Udûn.
3 They were not in fact destroyed, but nevertheless remained
underground until the Steuardship of Fred™.
5 Questions about the mathematics involved here will not be
7 Sauron's Diary, March 11, lines 1-2.
> This is about half by David Salo (maybe a little more than half), half
> by me. Hope you like it. I'm too lazy to write a long preface.
Well done to you both. You both need to get a life, but
then again, who on this NG doesn't?
Reality is for those who cannot cope with Middle-earth.
You both need to get a life, but
> then again, who on this NG doesn't?
I tried dowloading one once, but it wasn't compatible with Windows.
> I tried dowloading one once, but it wasn't compatible with Windows.
You probably forgot to make the obligatory sacrifice to Clippy.
Is there any remover of difficulties save Clippy? Say: Praised be Clippy!
He is Clippy! All are his servants, and all do his bidding.
Good work! Kudos to you both.
Don't forget the goat sacrificing. That is one of the most important
and fun aspects of worshipping the Paper Conjoining Device of Satan.
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open
sewer and die." - Mel Brooks
Quoth Menel...@mailandnews.com (Count Menelvagor) in article
> This is about half by David Salo (maybe a little more than half),
> half by me. Hope you like it.
I didn't think it could be done, but you've done it. Great job, both
of you! :) I am more than willing to adopt this into the E-text
"canon", unless I hear strong objections. As I said, I thought that
doing justice to the Appendices would be a nearly impossible feat, but
I just reread them recently, and your work does a fantastic job. (So,
when can we expect the _rest_ of Appendix A, since you two have shown
such a knack for it? :) )
> (Sauron's comments beign with ~~~ and end with ***.)
Exactly one of them is mising the initial ~~~, I think (it's fairly
late in the text). I'm not looking for it again right now. :) Oh,
and I think the first mention of "Ruling Stewards" (in the initial
genealogies) is spelled correctly; you may want to fix that. :)
Thanks! Thta's rathwer waht we ohped.
> when can we expect the _rest_ of Appendix A, since you two have shown
> such a knack for it? :) )
Well, *eventually* I hope to have soemthig on Numenor, and possibly
Arnor as well. I'm leaving the rest of the appendix to others ...
> > (Sauron's comments beign with ~~~ and end with ***.)
> Exactly one of them is mising the initial ~~~, I think (it's fairly
> late in the text). I'm not looking for it again right now. :) Oh,
> and I think the first mention of "Ruling Stewards" (in the initial
> genealogies) is spelled correctly; you may want to fix that. :)
/me makes note.
The ~~~ thigns were only for gnusgroump consumption; the REAL appendix
is a word document and uses a smaller font, indented, fro the Sauron
I tried sendig you a copy as an attachment, btw, but your e-mail thing
rejected it as too large (over 100 kb, or soemthing). I didn't get
time to resend it yet.
Maz Tyope guard me agianst such an eviol!
I will attempt, for the moment, to prescind from the authors'
membership in an evil terrorist organization which must be
I will simply remark that this so-called work fails to even deserve,
let alone meet, the scurinty of seriosu scholarship.
I cannot even begin to list the LIES and FLAMES that are concealed,
through a loathesome cancerous code, in this docuemnt.
Such is the treachery of MS that a summons to Tyope is turned into a
summons of this being instead.
> I tried sendig you a copy as an attachment, btw, but your e-mail
> thing rejected it as too large (over 100 kb, or soemthing). I
> didn't get time to resend it yet.
I wondered how often that thing would cause problems with legitimate
email. :) It's mostly there to head off the zillions of virus
messages I was getting for a while (some of them pretending to come
from people on these groups, in fact). If you preface the email
subject line with "BIGMSG", it should bypass the filter. I should
point out, though, that _my_ site has typically just hosted text
versions anyway; O. would be a better candidate for the more fully
formatted version (though he hasn't been active here lately)
Ah, I sent hi a copy a swell. I sent them to everyoen in the Cabal
and also to David Salo, the evil mastermind.
It wouldn't DARE!
Actually IIRC it summons the precursor, a squiggly red line, but that's
just a tool of Clippy.