Etext Book V, Chapter 7
David Sulger
the funniest off all the chapters, but the original is one of the
darkest chapters in LotR, and I was going for more plot development
than actual humor. I'm not going to say much about it, except that
Pipsqueak becomes pretty important by the end of the chapter.
Book V, Chapter 7
The Tribunal of Denethor
The Leech-king withdrew, blistering the air with curses. At that
moment, the Haug finally started up again and Gandalf revved the
engine, preparing to ride through the gate. Pipsqueak panicked and
ran in front it, nearly getting squashed by the tires.
"What the hell are you doing?" screamed Gandalf. "You nearly got
us both killed! Besides, is it not a law in the City that those who
wear the sailor's shirt must stay in the Citadel?"
"Denethor (tm) has gone mad!" cried Pipsqueak. "He's raving about
angels or something!"
Gandalf looked through the Gate, and already on the field he heard
the sound of dancing. He clenched his fist and hoped that the Nazdaq
wouldn't steal his entire audience. "I must go. The Leech-king is a
broad and he will yet bring the culture of Mordor upon us," he said.
"But Ariellė!" cried Pipsqueak. "She is still alive, and they will
gas her if we don't stop them!"
"She is alive?" asked Gandalf. "What are you talking about? Be
quick!"
"Denethor (tm) has gone to the tombs, and he has taken Ariellė, and
he said life is a gas, and he's waiting for the angels or something.
Can't you save her?"
Gandalf muttered something about working right with his plans, and
why should he leave, which Pipsqueak didn't hear. Pipsqueak tugged on
Gandalf's robes and cried, "Don't just stand there, please hurry!"
"I will come," said Gandalf. "If Ariellė is truly alive, then I'll
have to do something about that." Then he turned the Haug around and
raced up the streets of Minas Tirith (tm). Then as they approached
the slopes of Mount Minnie, the streets got to narrow for the Haug,
and Gandalf left it behind. Coming to the green door Gandalf passed
through it and went down the garbage-strewn road that lead to the
House of the Stewards.
Once they reached the House, Gandalf sprang up the steps. "What is
this madness, Denethor? (tm)" he exclaimed. "The houses of the dead
are no place for the living. Where is your daughter, Ariellė?"
"Madness?" replied Denethor (tm). "I am not mad, Mesprendeur. I
feigned insanity so your friend would bring you here. And here you
will be tried for your crimes against Gondor (tm). We may be doomed,
but I will make sure you pay the price for dooming us."
Then the room lit up with lights and Gandalf saw that he had indeed
been decieved. This was no chamber of the dead, or even cryogenically
preserved heads, but a courtroom. "A trial?" he asked in a sneering
tone of voice. "For what? I have committed no crimes."
"No crimes?" replied Denethor (tm). "Mesprendeur, you are charged
with treason, two counts of murder, attempted murder, conspiracy, and
a host of other assorted offenses."
"You have no proof," snorted Gandalf.
Suddenly Denethor (tm) laughed, and leaped onto a bench. He reachd
under his robes and drew out a Palantarium. Pipsqueak gazed at in
amazment, for it was smaller than the Palantarium which was given to
Aragon, though he did not now that this was the famed Laptop
Palantarium of which many legends tell.
Then, activating the Valatilė software that had been installed on
the Palantarium, Denethor (tm) began to project some images on a
screen behind him. Pipsqueak gazed upon it with wonder, but Gandalf
began to feel uneasy about and hoped fervently that the uneasiness did
not show on his shifty face. "Do I not know thee, Mesprendeur?"
laughed Denethor (tm). "So! With the left hand you would use me to
further your own twisted goals, and with the right bring up this
Ranger of the North to supplant me." The image on the screen
focused, and Pipsqueak saw that it was Aragon, at the Falls of Rauros.
He claimed to Giggly and Lego-lass that Boromir (tm) was dead, and
then kicked the warrior to shut him up when he protested. "So your
pawn tried to eliminate my son, no doubt on your orders, but it didn't
work. Boromir (tm) lived." Then the image wavered and shifted, now
showing Boromir(tm) travelling through the Dead Marshes. "Luckily for
me, your Ranger requires a short leash; everytime you let him out of
your sight, he always botches your plans up." Then the image shifted
again, showing Boromir (tm) falling in a hail of bullets, and then
coming back to life in the Passages of the Dead, with a goofy-looking
face which Aragon had given him.
"I don't know what kind of sick game Aragon is playing, but he will
find becoming king to be difficult, if Boromir (tm) still lives.
Let's move on." The image wavered again, and then it showed Gandalf
talking to Aragon at Deem's Help. They spoke in the words of Auld
High Elvish, which few in the courtroom understood, but the footage
had been edited with subtitles so everyone would know what was being
said. As everyone in the courtroom listened to the conversation,
sweat began beading on Gandalf's forehead. "What else does he have in
that cursed thing?" he thought. Then Denethor (tm) spoke again. "So
here we have proof from your own mouth of your treasonous conspiracy
to overthrow the lawful government of Gondor (tm)."
Gandalf decided it was time to start bluffing. "Ha!" he said. "Who
hear actually understands Auld High Elvish? For all anyone knows,
Aragon and I could have been discussing barbecue recipies to share
with the Rohirrim!"
Denethor (tm) smiled at him mirthlessly. "I have more evidence to
present to the court, Mesprendeur." Then the image shifted to the
foot of Eyesore in Isengard. Gandalf faced a number of accusations,
each worse then the others. At length he lost his composure, and then
killed Aruman. "What the hell?" wondered Pipsqueak to himself.
"That's not how I remember it at all!" But then it all started coming
back to him, and he eyed Gandalf fearfully, edging away from him.
While Pipsqueak was remembering what _really_ happened at Deem's
Help, Denethor went on. "Aruman discovered your plot and exposed you
Gandalf, and so you killed him and tried to cover everything up.
That's the first count of murder. As for attempted murder:" The
screen then went dark; it was night in Pipsqueak's bedchamber.
Gandalf loomed over Pipsqueak's bed, preparing to smother him with a
pillow, stopped only by the reporters which entered the room a moment
later. "After your companion revealed the existance of Aragon, you
tried to kill him, fearing what else he might expose. It wouldn't
have mattered anyway, Mesprendur, since the Palantarium sees
everything." Gandalf had in the meantime had been biting his nails
nervously and had given himself a manicure.
Denethor (tm) paid him no heed. "As for the second count of
murder," he continued. The screen shifted to the rout from
Disgiliath, just before the Siege began. "Everyone believes Ariellė
was shot by a Souhron during the retreat, but the Palantarium caught
what really happened." The screen shifted to Forlong's rescue.
Gandalf was riding with them. As Forlong tried to convince Ariellė
that she had to leave, Gandalf looked around, and then pulled a gun
out from under his robes and shot her in the back. No one noticed in
all of the confusion and chaos.
"You arranged the death of Boromir (tm) and shot Ariellė yourself to
make sure that Dr Faramir would succeed me, since you've already
bribed him heavily to follow you. Ever since Sauron captured you and
paid you off at Dol Guldur, you've been plotting the downfall of the
House of Hurin. You may have succeeded, but you will not live to
enjoy your success."
Then Gandalf knew he had no other recourse. He popped a canister of
tear gas out from under his robes. As everyone coughed and choked, he
knocked Pipsqueak out, and drawing a knife stabbed everyone else in
the room. Then he headed through a small door in the back to the
boiler room and rigged it to blow. He raced out of the House and up
the garbage-strewn streets just as the city was rocked by an
explosion. He looked behind him and saw the remains of the House of
Stewards, now gutted with roaring flames. "That should take care of
the evidence," he said to himself. All that survived the explosion
was the Palantarium, but all the incriminating data had been destroyed
in the explosion, and it was said afterwards that anyone who looked
into it saw only the logo of Gondor (tm): a large black circle topped
with two smaller black circles.
Before waking Pipsqueak up, Gandalf casted a spell of forgetfulness
over Pipsqueak and gave him some false memories to cover up what had
happened. But in his haste and nervousness, he forgot a key
incantation. He shook Pipsqueak awake. "What happened?" Pipsqueak
asked. "Where am I?"
"Alas!" said Gandalf. "He lost his mind, and blew up the House of
the Stewards in his despair. I barley managed to save you."
"I see," said Pipsqueak carefully. Now that his head was starting
to clear, he remembered what happened in the courtroon, and realized
that he had to be careful and keep his mouth shut if he was to stay
alive. They continued on toward the Citadel, and then heard a great
voice shout, "Wedgiiii!" Gandalf hurried over to the wall and saw
what happened.
"What was that?" asked Pipsqueak.
"It would seem that the great Tenor of our enemies has been
destroyed," he said, "but not without grievous pain, for from this
deed will arise a great flame war. So long has the reach of Sauron
become. And now I see how his will was able to enter this city.
Sauron must have taken the Palantarium from Minas Goofy. Using that
stone, he must have set up a chat room, where he made his foul plans
with Denethor (tm), and probably Aruman as well.
Gandalf looked over the wall again, and saw that Aragon had arrived.
"Now I must go down to the field to greet Aragon and Eonard. Come
with me!" Pipsqueak followed quietly. He hoped Gandalf's plans
hadn't doomed Frodo, and that working class hobbit, what was his name?
Sandy? It didn't matter. Pipsqueak knew he was the only one who could
save them all.
Raven
news:3ac4908.01101...@posting.google.com...
> As promised, here's the next chapter of the e-text. It probably isn't
> the funniest off all the chapters, but the original is one of the
> darkest chapters in LotR, and I was going for more plot development
> than actual humor. I'm not going to say much about it, except that
> Pipsqueak becomes pretty important by the end of the chapter.
Nice plot development. Particularly since this is right up my alley
as regards the plans I have laid for chapter 10, where Pipsqueak will
also play an important role, and give Gandalf a rather bad comeuppance -
if my plans carry past the next two authors. :-)
Corb.
Öjevind Lång
<3ac4908.01101...@posting.google.com>...
>As promised, here's the next chapter of the e-text. It probably isn't
>the funniest off all the chapters, but the original is one of the
>darkest chapters in LotR, and I was going for more plot development
>than actual humor. I'm not going to say much about it, except that
>Pipsqueak becomes pretty important by the end of the chapter.
Yes, indeed. :-)
> Book V, Chapter 7
>
> The Tribunal of Denethor
>
[snip]
> Gandalf looked over the wall again, and saw that Aragon had arrived.
> "Now I must go down to the field to greet Aragon and Eonard. Come
>with me!" Pipsqueak followed quietly. He hoped Gandalf's plans
>hadn't doomed Frodo, and that working class hobbit, what was his name?
>Sandy? It didn't matter. Pipsqueak knew he was the only one who could
>save them all.
Aah! A great way to end the chapter. Good work, Dave!
Öjevind
Count Menelvagor
> As promised, here's the next chapter of the e-text. It probably isn't
> the funniest off all the chapters, but the original is one of the
> darkest chapters in LotR, and I was going for more plot development
> than actual humor. I'm not going to say much about it, except that
> Pipsqueak becomes pretty important by the end of the chapter.
One of the better chapters in a while, IMO.
>
> Book V, Chapter 7
>
> The Tribunal of Denethor
> Gandalf looked through the Gate, and already on the field he heard
> the sound of dancing. He clenched his fist and hoped that the Nazdaq
> wouldn't steal his entire audience. "I must go. The Leech-king is a
> broad and he will yet bring the culture of Mordor upon us," he said.
Orrore!
> Suddenly Denethor (tm) laughed, and leaped onto a bench. He reachd
> under his robes and drew out a Palantarium. Pipsqueak gazed at in
> amazment, for it was smaller than the Palantarium which was given to
> Aragon, though he did not now that this was the famed Laptop
> Palantarium of which many legends tell.
Lollo.
"What the hell?" wondered Pipsqueak to himself.
> "That's not how I remember it at all!" But then it all started coming
> back to him, and he eyed Gandalf fearfully, edging away from him.
It looks as though O. Sharp's prediction, that Paragraph Took would
end up being the hero, may come true fater lal.
> Denethor (tm) paid him no heed. "As for the second count of
> murder," he continued. The screen shifted to the rout from
> Disgiliath, just before the Siege began. "Everyone believes Ariellė
> was shot by a Souhron during the retreat, but the Palantarium caught
> what really happened." The screen shifted to Forlong's rescue.
> Gandalf was riding with them. As Forlong tried to convince Ariellė
> that she had to leave, Gandalf looked around, and then pulled a gun
> out from under his robes and shot her in the back. No one noticed in
> all of the confusion and chaos.
> "You arranged the death of Boromir (tm) and shot Ariellė yourself to
> make sure that Dr Faramir would succeed me, since you've already
> bribed him heavily to follow you. Ever since Sauron captured you and
> paid you off at Dol Guldur, you've been plotting the downfall of the
> House of Hurin. You may have succeeded, but you will not live to
> enjoy your success."
Ah; but didn't Gandalf kill Dr. F. in Salo's chapter? But maybe he
was only faking it ...
> Gandalf looked over the wall again, and saw that Aragon had arrived.
> "Now I must go down to the field to greet Aragon and Eonard. Come
> with me!" Pipsqueak followed quietly. He hoped Gandalf's plans
> hadn't doomed Frodo, and that working class hobbit, what was his name?
> Sandy? It didn't matter. Pipsqueak knew he was the only one who could
> save them all.
Ah, we love a cliffhanger ...
Tamf Moo
hírüzenetben:
>Ah; but didn't Gandalf kill Dr. F. in Salo's chapter? But maybe he
>was only faking it ...
not having read the chapter xxet, i can only say: in the e-txet, they're only
as dead as they feel. *you* should know taht.
--
~ Tamfiiris C. M. b-x Gloruloke ~
Gulible lives!
David Sulger
Gandalf's treachery with the Palantarium, and Pipsqueak would
remember.
David Sulger
>
> >
> > "I must go. The Leech-king is a broad and he will yet bring the culture of
> > Mordor upon us," he said.
>
> Orrore!
>
Whoops. That was a typo. It was supposed to be "The Leech King is
abroad" as in the original. Although we could leave this typo in as a
sort of pun. Wasn't the Leech-king the one that was into
cross-dressing?
>
> > Suddenly Denethor (tm) laughed, and leaped onto a bench. He reachd
> > under his robes and drew out a Palantarium. Pipsqueak gazed at in
> > amazment, for it was smaller than the Palantarium which was given to
> > Aragon, though he did not now that this was the famed Laptop
> > Palantarium of which many legends tell.
>
> Lollo.
Continuing with the Palantarii as computers theme.
>
> "What the hell?" wondered Pipsqueak to himself.
> > "That's not how I remember it at all!" But then it all started coming
> > back to him, and he eyed Gandalf fearfully, edging away from him.
>
> It looks as though O. Sharp's prediction, that Paragraph Took would
> end up being the hero, may come true fater lal.
>
I don't remember that prediction at all, actually. I chose Pipsqueak
simply because he was the only character available.
> > "You arranged the death of Boromir (tm) and shot Ariellė yourself to
> > make sure that Dr Faramir would succeed me, since you've already
> > bribed him heavily to follow you. Ever since Sauron captured you and
> > paid you off at Dol Guldur, you've been plotting the downfall of the
> > House of Hurin. You may have succeeded, but you will not live to
> > enjoy your success."
>
> Ah; but didn't Gandalf kill Dr. F. in Salo's chapter? But maybe he
> was only faking it ...
>
That I totally missed. And I'd saved Salo's chapter for reference
too, though I paid more attention to Arielle instead of Faramir. It's
amazing that with all the plot inconsistencies in the e-text that I
made only one screw-up and a fairly minor one at that. I can edit
that part if necessary.
Another mistake to be corrected: right after Pipsqueak regains his
memory, there's a part that says something like "While Pipsqueak was
remembering what happened at Deem's Help...". Theat should be
Isengard, not Deem's Help, of course.
Aris Katsaris
David Sulger <the_rea...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:3ac4908.01101...@posting.google.com...
> Menel...@mailandnews.com (Count Menelvagor) wrote in message
news:<6bfb27a8.01101...@posting.google.com>...
> > was only faking it ...
> >
> That I totally missed. And I'd saved Salo's chapter for reference
> too, though I paid more attention to Arielle instead of Faramir. It's
> amazing that with all the plot inconsistencies in the e-text that I
> made only one screw-up and a fairly minor one at that. I can edit
> that part if necessary.
One thing I've learned: Either decide to edit it now or don't. Asking
for comments on whether you *should* edit it is futile, since you'll
never get an unanimous answer. And it's never "necessary". It's
very often preferable though.
But for what little it's worth I'd vote that you edit it now, immediately.
The fewer continuity mistakes the better. Whether future writers can
correct them or not in *their* own chapters doesn't correct the flaws
in one's own.
Aris Katsaris
Öjevind Lång
<3ac4908.01101...@posting.google.com>...
>Menel...@mailandnews.com (Count Menelvagor) wrote in message
[snip]
>> > "I must go. The Leech-king is a broad and he will yet bring the culture
of
>> > Mordor upon us," he said.
>>
>> Orrore!
>>
>Whoops. That was a typo. It was supposed to be "The Leech King is
>abroad" as in the original. Although we could leave this typo in as a
>sort of pun. Wasn't the Leech-king the one that was into
>cross-dressing?
No. I don't think the crossdresser was ever named, but it was not the
Leech-king.
Öjevind
Count Menelvagor
> Menel...@mailandnews.com (Count Menelvagor) wrote in message news:<6bfb27a8.01101...@posting.google.com>...
> > the_rea...@hotmail.com (David Sulger) wrote in message
> >
> > One of the better chapters in a while, IMO.
> >
> That's certainly good to hear.
> > >
>
> > > "I must go. The Leech-king is a broad and he will yet bring the culture of
> > > Mordor upon us," he said.
> >
> > Orrore!
> >
> Whoops. That was a typo. It was supposed to be "The Leech King is
> abroad" as in the original. Although we could leave this typo in as a
> sort of pun. Wasn't the Leech-king the one that was into
> cross-dressing?
One of the Nazdaq was, and even won a prize in an Arwen look-alike
contest; but I don't hink it was specified that it was the Leechking
...
> > "What the hell?" wondered Pipsqueak to himself.
> > > "That's not how I remember it at all!" But then it all started coming
> > > back to him, and he eyed Gandalf fearfully, edging away from him.
> >
> > It looks as though O. Sharp's prediction, that Paragraph Took would
> > end up being the hero, may come true fater lal.
> >
> I don't remember that prediction at all, actually. I chose Pipsqueak
> simply because he was the only character available.
I think O. S. made that prediction at the end of his III.10 cahpter
... It wd be amusing if Pipsuqeak ended up as the Savior of
Muddle-earth ...
> > Ah; but didn't Gandalf kill Dr. F. in Salo's chapter? But maybe he
> > was only faking it ...
> >
> That I totally missed. And I'd saved Salo's chapter for reference
> too, though I paid more attention to Arielle instead of Faramir. It's
> amazing that with all the plot inconsistencies in the e-text that I
> made only one screw-up and a fairly minor one at that. I can edit
> that part if necessary.
Maybe somehting indicating that Gandalf hadn't really killed Dr. F,
but had only used chloroform on him or something ...
Count Menelvagor
> Menel...@mailandnews.com (Count Menelvagor) az alábbiakat írta a következő
> hírüzenetben:
>
> >Ah; but didn't Gandalf kill Dr. F. in Salo's chapter? But maybe he
> >was only faking it ...
>
> not having read the chapter xxet,
It's not a long cahpter, unlike mine ...
i can only say: in the e-txet, they're only
> as dead as they feel. *you* should know taht.
I think Frodo feels dead most of the time. He strikes me as that type.
(The leash may have even revivified him a bit, the decadent
aristocrat.)
Raven
news:9qpssv$35c$1...@usenet.otenet.gr...
> One thing I've learned: Either decide to edit it now or don't. Asking
> for comments on whether you *should* edit it is futile, since you'll
> never get an unanimous answer. And it's never "necessary". It's
> very often preferable though.
I've learned the same thing. One chapter aftermath late. :-)
<*you* will likely be among those who remember>
Kirina.
Morgil Blackhope
David Sulger kirjoitti viestissä
<3ac4908.01101...@posting.google.com>...>> > "You arranged the death of Boromir (tm) and shot Ariellë yourself to
>> > make sure that Dr Faramir would succeed me, since you've already
>> > bribed him heavily to follow you. Ever since Sauron captured you and
>> > paid you off at Dol Guldur, you've been plotting the downfall of the
>> > House of Hurin. You may have succeeded, but you will not live to
>> > enjoy your success."
>>
>> Ah; but didn't Gandalf kill Dr. F. in Salo's chapter? But maybe he
>> was only faking it ...
>>
>That I totally missed. And I'd saved Salo's chapter for reference
>too, though I paid more attention to Arielle instead of Faramir. It's
>amazing that with all the plot inconsistencies in the e-text that I
>made only one screw-up and a fairly minor one at that. I can edit
>that part if necessary.
No need to do that. Obviously Gandalf and Dr Faramir faked
the death of the latter, in order to lure Arielle out on the open.
Makes perfect sense!<insane laughter>
:)
Morgil
Tamf Moo
hírüzenetben:
>It's not a long cahpter, unlike mine ...
naything more than 10 lines is 'long' and 'to be read later' on my usenet.
>I think Frodo feels dead most of the time. He strikes me as that type.
are you suggesting he's a necrophiliac on top of it alll??
> (The leash may have even revivified him a bit, the decadent
>aristocrat.)
he's only putting it on, the naughty, naught boy...
--
~ Tamfiiris C. M. b-x Gloruloke ~
I've had a wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. (Groucho Marx)
Count Menelvagor
> Menel...@mailandnews.com (Count Menelvagor) az alábbiakat írta a következő
> hírüzenetben:
>
> >It's not a long cahpter, unlike mine ...
>
> naything more than 10 lines is 'long' and 'to be read later' on my usenet.
>
Usually, I print these thingies and read them at leisure later, my
elf; reading longish documents on a computer screen in unroggy.
> >I think Frodo feels dead most of the time. He strikes me as that type.
>
> are you suggesting he's a necrophiliac on top of it alll??
>
Hurgh ... I wouldn't be surprised ... though I'm not lpanning that in
my cahpter. But the e-text version of Frodo's Dreme would prob'ly be
prety appalling ...
> > (The leash may have even revivified him a bit, the decadent
> >aristocrat.)
>
> he's only putting it on, the naughty, naught boy...
Mazbe he's just been faking deeath for disgusting reasons of his own?
BTW, what does the b-x stand for?
David Sulger
chapter. No major changes, just the addition of one sentence.
Book V, Chapter 7
The Tribunal of Denethor
bribed him heavily to follow you. Oh yes, I know that the two of you
faked his death, by the way. Ever since Sauron captured you and paid
with his sight what happened.
"What was that?" asked Pipsqueak.
"It would seem that the great Tenor of our enemies has been
destroyed," he said, "but not without grievous pain, for from this
deed will arise a great flame war. So long has the reach of Sauron
become. And now I see how his will was able to enter this city.
Sauron must have taken the Palantarium from Minas Goofy. Using that
stone, he must have set up a chat room, were he made his foul plans
Nick Tussing
>Alright, due to the Dr. Faramir inconsistency, I've revised the
>chapter. No major changes, just the addition of one sentence.
Excellent; not only is the invconsistency corrected, but onme of my favorite
characters is broguth bax to life -- even if there's some confuzzlement as
to
whether he's a goodguy or a badguy.:-]
--
Count Menelvagor the Slayer of Killerbytes, Dragon Balrog Baritone, Lord
High Enervator of the Empire of Psot, Editor of Sauron's Diary, and All that
other Goond Struff, Member, TEUNC
Saurons' Diary: http://home.no.net/~teunc/sauron/sauron.html
"To the amusement parks
Mice are approaching. The ducks awaken ..."
(The E-text, V.2)
Killfile RL.