"I saw Casablanca on the weekend for the first time. What's the big deal
about that one? It's well directed and shot for the time plus the script is
fairly sharp but I always thought it was supposed to be a great love story.
The characters aren't likeable enough to get quite that emotionally involved
Mr Ralph's reply:
"Don't you feel like a right cunt coming out with this sort of dreadful
It's wonderful the way that even when you do have something possibly
interesting to say, you never quite grasp it with original words and always
seem to retreat to the most clichéd rhetoric. You're like a tabloid cripple
that shits himself instead of asking for a bib.
Now that the compliments are out of the way: why is it that you need your
inner cripple mollycoddled by a movie? You will probably believe that it's a
lack of actorly compassion, or writerly insight, or that it's otherwise a
fault of the movie that doesn't colour its characters with enough charm or
Actually, it's all about you. It's time you realised you don't go to the
cinema to make friends. They won't love you back. The reason you don't think
they're likeable is essentially that you don't think they're enough like
you. You want those very special aspects of inner you to be mirrored by the
shiny idols, you want them likeable like you're likeable, you want them to
be you, but larger than life, without bills or bad skin, with bigger tits
and better threads, but they're not you, you're the worthless viewer and
you'll never succeed or fail on such grand scales, and Natalie from Nuneaton
won't weep when you finally die with not-enough dignity and a horrible lack
Next time you think the characters aren't "likeable enough", realise: the
film's not about you, dear. It doesn't mean mummy doesn't love you."
"I wonder what you're like in bed. Vacillating treacherously between DAF de
Sade and Timothy Lumsden, perhaps. I propose that a Bemlista volunteer to
Mr Mailer's reply:
"We already have one, if you recall. And the investigation goes on to this
day, so some continuing interest is surely being derived."
"Is the "continuing interest" being spat or swallowed?"
"Both of the following examples have a certain clumsiness to my ear, but
both are saved by a certain poetic nativity:
'You and I have memories
Longer than the road that stretches out ahead' -- Late Beatles
'We have walked some strange and lonely treks
Slightly worn, but dignified, and not too old for sex' -- Late ABBA"
Mr George, however, will have none of it:
"Hahaha, the point is what? In isolation, the first quote suggests that
the writer is feeling old, the second suggests the writer is working his
way through the Penguin book of rhyming couplets.
'Our faces white, our wrinkly necks,
My pants are stained with pissy flecks.
It's time to buy another Becks,
Please pay with cash, they don't take cheques.'"
"The Iraq Council is adding a death penalty to their constitution. Good for
them. Just in time for a certain trial, if it takes place there. Grim idiocy
at the helm."
Mr Mailer's response:
"Maybe we should invade them to stop this barbarity."
"According to Richard Dawkins, whose books I haven't read but I've *seen*,
everything can be explained in Darwinistic terms.
The course of BEMListory should be explained in the same way, especially as
I'm drinking a beer which is precisely what one should be doing at the
outset of a post such as this.
I wasn't aound at the dawn of BEMLi but the 'chive strata suggest that when
it began it was populated by some of the figures we still see today. There's
none of this having to go back to Africa nonsense that we perceive as
necessary in the wider world.
However, as with all cultures, there is at the outset a strong religious
element in the form of a rudimentary John Walker.
There is also a dominant tendency for rational thought as instilled by a
virtually fully formed Nick Mailer (though we are a long way from the
appearance of a Nicktoria. A very long way indeed).
These two are the Romulus & Remus of BEMLi who formed the early List in a
catastrophic explosion caused by one bumping into the other outside a branch
of Woolworths sometime around the mid 90s.
Over time, attracted by the gravitational pull of the founders, vaguely
wrong types of a humorous nature started sniffing around and adding to the
list by evacuating odd phrases that they could find no use for in other
aspects of their lives. The list, however, found the words nourishing and
began to grow.
A small note should be added here about the role of women other than
Victoria. And that was it. That was the small note.
If you took the history of BEMLi to be a 24 hour day the period of
Buchanalia (characterised by highly amusing incomprehensibility and a, now
inconceivable, lack of politics) lasted until about Eastenders coming on.
Nobody knows what caused the disappearance of the Buchans. My personal
theory was that they became bloated on the praise of the newer species just
arriving and decided they could actually sell what they had previously
viewed as their droppings by migrating to another world called "Media".
And so, sadly, tragically, were lost the likes of the Adey (small, furry and
foraging), the PPI (large, lacrymose, cunning). Perhaps the only glimpse we
have of this order of beast now is the Ralph. Modern day scientists still
study the Ralph and contend that their work leads one to ask such questions
as "could the Hundleby conjugate a verb" and "did the Adey swear?". Such
issues remian contentious.
Much of BEMListory cannot be discussed in a short work such as this; some
would regard it as criminal to disregard the Rapera (Rape Era) which had an
enormous influence on the List at the time but, it could be argued, has left
not much in the way of a legacy.
The Modern BEMLi, BEMLi as we now know it, is an adult BEMLi. A BEMLi
characterised by discussions about cars, whether music is any good, sharing
commodities, concerns about offspring and impending marriages. The author,
with overwhelming sadness, must respectfully hint that without a meteor
hitting someone on the list very soon things are liable to stagnate and be
That, I fear, would be the end of BEMListory as we know it.
And, no, I'm not just saying that because every man who lives in his own
time inevitable expects an apocalypse or because it sells more books.
Professor Graeme Payne Ph.D"
"And you fail. This world here, this "verse", it will eat you but you may
as well enjoy the pie- coffee's good too.
Oh yeah, watch out for Gargin, he's a ginge.
So is Colin. We don't really count.
Martin, Nick, John and Vicky hold the keys to the shop
Morgan is the day manager
Bod is the night manager
Rees is the guy who comes in every day, has a few smokes, steals a cream
MHW is the new guy- kinda like a fan boy savant, he's always hanging around
too but he mostly reads the magazines
Vaughn is the cosmic interloper with a good heart
Ben is the socialist out on the corner spreading his lies
Steve W is still a bit of a mystery to me
Jon H, well he's the guy who you don't know very well or much about but he's
always around, he's lurks but not in a conspicuous way
Simon and Sam stop by evey once in a while to, well; celebrate in their own
special but non-denominational way
Archaic is that
Dave G is a music pimp but affable
Des is Des"