Preliminary Note: No real harm is intended by the situations imposed on
real people in here. It's suitable for people capable of determining
that it is a JOKE.
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TV ASAHI ANNOUNCER
And now, stay tuned for a very SPECIAL episode of Ninku...
Nooooooooo!!!! We wanna watch Sailor Moon!
TV ASAHI ANNOUNCER
All right, we can put on an idiotic episode of Sailor Moon for you
little snot-nosed brats. I hope Bandai eats your souls! [grumble,
[Fade in: HARUKA, MICHIRU, SETSUNA, and HOTARU (age 12) are standing
in front of the Three Bill's hideout.]
The seas are angry.
The winds are also angry.
And so are the fans. Henshin before they change the channel.
[HARUKA, MICHIRU, SETSUNA, and HOTARU produce their henshin rods, then
raise them... then the most awesome music in the history of animated
transformation scenes plays ^_^]
Uranus Planet Power, Make Up!
Neptune Planet Power, Make Up!
Pluto Planet Power, Make Up!
Yet to be named Saturn henshin phrase, Make Up!
[HARUKA, MICHIRU, SETSUNA, and HOTARU are transformed into their
buttkicking OUTER SENSHI forms. The audience erupts into cheers,
and Bandai's CEO's eyes turn to yen signs and make a "cha-ching" noise]
Minna... time to kick some ass!
[the OUTERS rush into the building and prepare for combat]
[Ep title: "Bill Gates' Evil Plan! Sailor Senshi Need a Life!"]
[meanwhile, at the Three Bills' Secret Lair]
So, tell us, Gates... what is this fantastic plan of yours?
Well, as you know, computers are so easy to use nowadays that a mere
IMBECILE could use one.
[GATES looks at CLINTON, who has about 12 popsicles stuffed in his
With a few exceptions, of course... now, in any case... what do you
think would happen if we made computers so pointlessly complicated with
a shoddy operating system so pathetic, it confused people for hours? And
what would happen if this operating system was installed on the biggest
server in the world... the one CONTROLLING the world!
I *like* this, Gates... what have you got?
Gentlemen, I'd like to unveil... YGGDRASSIL '95!
[GATES holds up a box in a blue sky/cloud cover with text that reads
"YGGDRASSIL '95" and the slogan "Start it Up!" (which has in fine print
"and watch it crash")]
Excellent, EXCELLENT! With my evil marketing powers, I'll have it
installed in no time!
GATES and BANDAI
Hey, look ya'll! I spelled my name with popsicle sticks!
[Meanwhile, the INNER SENSHI plod deeper into the base... but strangely
enough, they come out in a poorly drawn animated town]
Where the heck are we now?
[Suddenly, something CRUNCHES under SAILOR JUPITER'S boot]
Ewww, I stepped in something... purple?
[JUPITER lifts her foot, and a purple cat picks itself up and several
bones snap back into place]
[The purple cat is glomped by SAILOR MOON, until the cat says,
"OW! Hey, hee hee, stop that!"]
[SAILOR MOON drops the cat, dumbstruck]
Neko... can talk! WAI! Whoever heard of something like that?
EEK THE CAT
Um, hi! My name's Eek the Cat! This is McTropolis! What are your names?
[SAILOR MOON starts to go into the POSE...]
Ai to seigino, sailor fuku bishoujo senshi... SAILOR MOON!
Tsuki ni kawatte... oshiokiyo!
[NINJA NINNIES walk by]
We're still going...
EEK THE CAT
Gee, Sailor Moon, why are you and your friends here?
We're looking for some evil badguys! Have you seen any?
EEK THE CAT
Well, gee, no... but if I do, I'll tell you.
Would you like to help us find our way out of here?
EEK THE CAT
Sure, it never hurts to help!
Wrong, I can name many occasions where it hurt quite SUBSTANTIALLY...
Shuddup, Mars, it's better than asking a cab driver.
EEK THE CAT
Wanna see a picture of my girlfriend Annabelle?
[EEK pulls out a fold-out picture of an enormously fat pink cat]
Um... gee, Eek... she's really... FAT.
EEK THE CAT
Yeah. Wanna see a picture of my boyfriend?
EEK THE CAT
Kum bah yah! I'd love to see your dearest one! The one that means the
most to you! Your pride and joy, your heart and soul, your really nifty
guy, your Mr. Lover Man, your Mr. Boombastic, your...
[SAILOR MOON pulls out a picture of MAMORU]
SAILOR MOON [beaming]
See? Isn't he cute?
EEK THE CAT
Um... gee, Sailor Moon... he's really... DORKY LOOKING.
[SAILOR MOON sweatdrops, and squints at the picture]
[MARS, JUPITER, VENUS, and MERCURY are falling down laughing in the
background. SAILOR MOON gets a big sweatdrop on the back of her head]
[meanwhile, in Yggdrassil]
[SKULD chases around a bug, eventually squishing it with a mallet]
Ha! Got you, you dirty little bastard!
[a little white doorway opens, and BELLDANDY steps into the computer
Oneechan! Where's Urd-oneesan?
Um, I think she's having breast reduction surgery.
Yeah, someone explained that little thing called "gravity" to her.
Ouch. I know what you mean.
But look, Keiichi-kun got you a present!
A present? For me? Is it ice cream?
No, we don't want you to SPAZZ on us. It's something for the computer.
[BELLDANDY passes a copy of Yggdrassil '95 to SKULD]
Yggdrassil '95... by Microsoft... oneechan, what does "fubar" mean?
Don't ask me... I never did get used to mortal slang.
Oh well... I guess I could install it. It says it has "convenient
uninstall feature". What do I have to lose?
[SKULD opens a portal and shoves the software into it, and lightning
strikes everywhere as Yggdrassil is recreated]
I have a feeling I shouldn't have done that.
It's okay, imoutochan... let's just hit this "START" button...
[BELLDANDY kicks a box that reads "START" and suddenly, a dialogue
box pops up that reads "GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT"]
GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT?! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!
[Suddenly, a swarm of bugs runs through.]
AHHHHHHH! BUGS!!!!!! Quick, where's that uninstall?
I think the server's locked up!
Oh crap!! We have to reboot, then reinstall the OLD software...
where the hell did I put that Solaris backup?!
[meanwhile, in McTropolis, outside a convenience store, the SENSHI have
all bought 32 oz Big Gulps of Pepsi (never leave home without it)]
So, where is McTropolis?
EEK THE CAT
Why, it's in Canada, of course! In the good old province of Ontario,
land of badgers, and trees, and nifty things!
I'm sorry, did you say Ontario? As in Ottawa, Ontario?
EEK THE CAT
[Suddenly, the Pepsi in the cups ripples... something very big,
or very numerous is heading this way]
What... was that?
It's getting closer...!
[EEK suddenly screams, "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" and
runs off with his tongue hanging out of his mouth and eyes bugged out]
Eeeeeeh... minna, I have a very bad feeling about this.
GEORGE LUCAS' LAWYER
I'm sorry, you'll have to change that last line, or we'll have to sue
Oh, gomen. Ahem... minna, I think we're in trouble now...
[And suddenly, over the horizon comes a battalion of screaming,
drooling kids heading right for the SAILOR SENSHI]
SAILOR SCOUTS!! COOOOOOOOOOOOOL!
Scouts, I think. My Japanese to Annoying Snotnosed Brat translations
aren't quite what they should be.
We're scouting for something?
Yeah... like the PLOT.
Shut up, Rei-chan!
I'm not taking orders from you, you self-centered little blonde
rabbit-haired dirt-eating tuxedo-kissing cat-slapping English-flunking
pocky-sucking obentou-inhaling dojinshi-reading little bitch windbag
ninny of a twit!
MINNA, MINNA! Keep it down... look!
Hey, we're the Ottawa Sailor Moon Club!
The Ottawa Sailor Moon Club! We love the Sailor Scouts!
There's that word again...
We've watched every episode of Sailor Moon and we know everything about
For example... did you know that the Three Talismans also correspond to
ancient Japanese legend about three mystical artifacts from heaven
by the Sun Goddess...
SAILOR MOON [turns to the camera]
Is this you? Well, if so, thanks to a joint effort with Warner Brothers,
we have extended the "Please, Please, PLEASE Get a Life Foundation" to
ANIME OTAKU as well. Just look at how we can help these people.
... and then Sailor Sol, who was in that great fanfic Sailor Moon Ace...
is like an analogy to Amaterasu, the ancient Japanese Sun Goddess... WHO
BROUGHT THE TALISMANS TO EARTH! It all ties in! Creepy, isn't it? Well,
think Ace would be better if...
[SAILOR MOON motions in AKANE, who takes a gigantic anime mallet and
flattens ANNOYING GUY into the ground]
ANNOYING GUY'S GIRLFRIEND (actually, we seriously DOUBT the validity of
Yeah, Sailor Moon Ace! I've made Asahi my GODDESS, man! I receive divine
messages from her, and I worship the sun and stuff! And I'm changing my
name to Asahi, because it's SOOOOOOOO cool... and I'm gonna...
[SAILOR MOON leads in SON GOKUU who kame-hame-ha's the ANNOYING GUY'S
GIRLFRIEND into the Pacific Ocean]
So, sign up an otaku for the "Please, Please, Please Get a Life
We're not just for Animaniacs fans anymore.
[The ANNOYING KIDS continue to attack when suddenly... a strange redhead
in a strange outfit and a mysterious dark-haired girl in a similar
appear. They both have glowing marks on their foreheads...]
Hey, it's the Ottawa Sailor Moon Club rejects!
Yeah, it sure is! I guess we should put them out of their lifeless
[In one fell swoop, the two girls lay waste to the ANNOYING KIDS,
then leap into the air and are obscured by the sunlight as they fly
away on wings of light...]
Who... was that?
Competing American shoujo shows, and I have the feeling they're going
to be cooler than us!
[LUNA is crushed under the hiragana for...]
ANNOYING KIDS (singing)
SCARY NAKAYOSHI GUY (brandishing gun, talking in Jack Nicholson voice)
Hai minna, it's the Nakayoshi guy... now listen here, Charlie... either
you get down here and buy some Sailor Moon stuff, or I'm gonna execute
every (expletive bleeped out) last one of you. You think I'm kiddin',
dontcha Charlie? Well, I have here in my studio the Olson Twins, and
we're not gonna let 'em get out of here alive until you buy some stuff!
Got that, jack? Heh? Heh? AH HA HA HA HA!
[back from commercial]
[fade in to a large atrium inside the Thee Bill's Hideout, where the
Outer Senshi are making their way through semi-silently]
... and then I told her, "Have you ever seen The Crying Game?"
Neptune, please shut her up, we've only heard this story about five
million times. And we're only going to hear it about five million more.
[SAILOR NEPTUNE takes the Deep Aqua Mirror and clongs URANUS in the
head with it]
Sorry, you were rambling...
[suddenly, BILL GATES steps out of a portal]
[Everyone sweatdrops at SATURN]
Not smart. NOT very smart. Just be quiet, you had a few token lines in
then you couldn't speak.
SAILOR SATURN [chastised]
Well, well, well. If it isn't the Outer Senshi! I've got good news for
Now that those stupid Goddesses have installed my computer program, I
do anything I want! You didn't know the slogan was "Where Do *I* Want to
Go Today?" did you?
SAILOR NEPTUNE [smirking]
I thought it was "Who Do You Want to Blow Today?"
You're... MOCKING me, aren't you? You Senshi think you're so smart!
Well, I have some Senshi of my own to introduce you to!
Allow me to introduce...
[a door opens with several fuku-clad freaks standing in it]
... the STATE SENSHI!
Representing the power of our Dairy Air [kids, ask your parents,
if you don't get it], I am the Cheesy Senshi, Sailor Wisconsin!
SAILOR NEW JERSEY
Oi, jerky! Sailor New Jersey over here!
Yee-haw, ya'll! Sailor Texas is gonna whoop ya'lls asses!
I duwanna talk to you! I'm Sailor Florida, and I'm supposed to be in
retirement. Where's my Social Security, ya bums?
This is ridiculous.
Well, they could have sent politically correct Senshi after us.
Be thankful these are all stereotypical.
Pluto, can you do anything?
SAILOR PLUTO [thinking]
I have an idea...
[SAILOR PLUTO points suddenly behind the STATE SENSHI]
Look! The Three Lights in concert!
[The STATE SENSHI turn and look.]
Hightail it, minna!
[the OUTERS begin to run... then stop]
Wait a second... why are we running?
Good question. We never run from a real fight...
Don't you even START.
Don't quote the DIC version, or we're gonna smack you. You think I
messed you up in Lunatic Party, you ain't seen NOTHING yet.
[URANUS spins around and goes into her awesome animation...]
SAILOR NEW JERSEY
Geez, what's with the "doh"? Ain't ya never spoke proper English over
here? Ya sound like freakin' Homer Simpson. Worldo Shaking... heh...
[unfortunately, SAILOR NEW JERKY... er... JERSEY... talks for too long.
The attack slams into her, shattering her into hundreds of pieces]
[the ringed blue ball of water slams into SAILOR TEXAS, who
SAILOR PLUTO [whispering]
Eh..? Speak up! I can't hear you? Eh? Eh? Speak up! Oh. Never mind.
[FLORIDA doesn't hear the Dead Scream coming, and is wiped out by it]
Death Ribbon... Revolution!
Oh no you don't! Wisconsin CHEESE BLAST!
[the two attacks meet in the center, but SAILOR SATURN's is much
and SAILOR WISCONSIN is destroyed]
Well done, Outer Senshi. Through our powers of bad English
we have successfully triumphed over mediocrity!
NEPTUNE, PLUTO and SATURN [unenthusiastically]
So, you defeated my State Senshi! You win this time, Outer Senshi,
but next time you won't be so lucky!
You're the one who's never going to get lucky.
Oh, so you think you're funny, eh? Well! We'll see who has the last
Ha ha ha ha ha!
[BILL GATES turns to run, misses the door, and smashes into the wall.
The OUTER SENSHI just GRIN]
I'll get you next time, Gadget! I mean... Outers! Next time!
[BILL GATES runs away]
Minna... let's follow him...
[PLUTO and NEPTUNE nod. The Outers chase in the direction BILL GATES
SAILOR SATURN has now reverted to a one and a half year old baby and
crawls along behind them, brandishing her deadly Silence Rattle]
[Meanwhile, back at the Not So Secret Hideout of the THREE BILLS]
Gates, you idiot, you let them defeat you!
I didn't LET them defeat me! It was all part of my master plan!
You know the saying... it's not a bug, it's a FEATURE!
You'd better have a good plan, because those Goddesses just
reinstalled their old operating system on the universe.
I think it's time to call in an old favor...
You don't mean... *gasp*... no... not THEM...
Are you sure that's wise?
It's the only option we have left. Summon the BAD FANFIC WRITERS.
[fade out - credits]
Next time on Sailor Moon Stupid! The Three Bills bring in their most
deadly creation yet... will all nine Senshi together be enough to stop
the attack of the bad fanfic writers? If you don't know the answer to
that, you're probably a pessimist and need to see a psychiatrist.
Really. He can prescribe those little yellow pills for you. They help,
a lot. Minako-chan had to take them.
Shut up, Usagi! I told you not to tell about that!
Oh! Right, sorry! Ehehehehe! Anyway, don't miss the next episode of
Sailor Moon Stupid!
[SLAM DUNK comes on]
Hi, I'm a wannabe Michael Jordan from Japan, and even though I look like
I'm 22, I'm only 17 and in high school...
Steve Allen Richards | Things you don't hear every day #29
<cawdor (at) sgi (dot) net> | "Nevermind, I *found* my virginity."
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