The Ballad of the Hamster, Part One
Chuck&Janica
He stepped, fully-formed into the world. Fully formed, but mostly
incomplete. He had long white
hair - but wasn’t old, a fact which was easily proven by his arrival
shortly beforehand - and a look on
his face as if he had already decided not to be impressed by anything
he saw in this world. His name
was Hamster II, and he didn’t know why.
In his hand he brandished a wand.
A crappy wand, Hamster II thought darkly.
Then he looked around. He was in some sort of camp. There were
lots of women around. He
decided this was good, but endeavoured not to be in the least bit
impressed.
Right next to him, a man stood, with a bland, friendly expression
on his face.
Schmuck, Hamster II thought.
The schmuck obviously had something to say.
”Hello there, stranger! I’m Warriv - ”
”Yeah, whatever,” Hamster II walked away. He headed towards the
sound of a blacksmith’s
shop, and was moderately disgusted to see it was a woman blacksmith.
Oh for fuck’s sake, he thought. This is ridiculous.
”Hi! You’re a necromancer, huh?”
”I guess so. Is that what this wand is?” Hamster II held up the
crappy wand. It was about a foot
long, and crappy. In fact, it was probably just a stick. A crappy
stick.
The blacksmith ignored him vacuously. ”It sure is good to see
some strong adventurers around
here,” she burbled. ”I’m Charsi, the blacksmith here in the camp.”
”The anvil was a dead giveaway.”
”What can I do for you?”
Hamster II thought about that. He held up his stick. ”Wanna buy
this?”
”What is it?”
Hamster II shrugged. ”Crappy wand.”
”Don’t you need it?”
”What for?”
”You hit people with it. And then use it to raise their skeletons
from the dead.”
”How much will you give me for it?”
”One gold piece.”
”One! One! That’s pathetic!”
”You should go talk to Akara,” Charsi went on as if he hadn’t
spoken.
”Whatever,” Hamster II shrugged and walked away.
Akara was even worse. She was, Hamster II decided, completely
full of shit. She ranted and
dribbled on about this lousy Rogues’ camp being the last bastion of
hope and goodness in all the
world, and then asked him to go out to some cave and kill some things.
He asked her if she wanted
to buy his stick, and she offered him one gold coin for it.
”This is a fucking conspiracy,” Hamster II muttered. ”You want me
to do your dirty work for
you.”
He grumbled a bit more, then noticed he had some potions in his
belt. Red ones.
”What are these?”
”Healing potions,” Akara responded.
”How much will you give me for them?”
”Not a lot.”
”Fuck.”
In the end, armed with his stick and his little red bottles,
Hamster II stalked out of the camp and
onto what he was informed was the Blood Moor. He looked around,
tempted to say something
about justice and mercy and goodness.
”All who oppose me, beware,” was what came out.
As it happened, he didn’t have to look far for something to
oppose him. A shambling zombie
lurched out of the undergrowth. It was, if possible, even more stupid
and annoying than the idiots in
the Rogue camp.
”Can you tell me where to find the Den of Something-or-other?”
”Uurf.”
”Right. So do you know where it is or not? It’s, like, a cave.”
”Uurf, uurf aarf,” the zombie took a swing at him.
”Ow! You piece of...”
”Uurgh. Uurf, aarf.” Swing, swing, hit.
”Ow! Quit it!” Hamster II poked the zombie with his stick a few
times, and it fell down dead.
Deader than it was. Which was saying something.
”Well, isn’t this wand supposed to be able to raise skeletons?”
Hamster II twiddled the wand for
a moment, remembering what Charsi had babbled about it. ”Come on then!
Abracadabra!”
There was a whoosh, and the zombie corpse in front of him
exploded in a cloud of fleshy bits.
The skeleton within stood up, brushed itself off, and brandished its
little sword.
”Where do we go now, chief? Huh? Where do we go, who do we kill?
Watcha wanna do, huh?”
the skeleton sniggered and ran back and forth like a puppy on a
leash. ”Where to, what next, huh?
Huh?”
Hamster II grinned. Here, at last, was something moderately cool.
C&J
--
13 & 13b of 12, The CMM Collective.
Go here: http://internettrash.com/users/saint_chucky
Dr Nick Riviera
"Chuck&Janica" <janica....@pp.inet.fi> wrote:
I had a Hamster story once. There was a crazy guy who ate his
pet hamsters, then he went even crazier because of a girl and ate lots
of them(hamsters not girls).
Biography.
Autobiography.
> Rogue Camp
>
> He stepped, fully-formed into the world. Fully formed, but mostly
> incomplete. He had long white
> hair - but wasn’t old, a fact which was easily proven by his arrival
> shortly beforehand - and a look on
> his face as if he had already decided not to be impressed by anything
> he saw in this world. His name
> was Hamster II, and he didn’t know why.
Clever.
> In his hand he brandished a wand.
> A crappy wand, Hamster II thought darkly.
> Then he looked around. He was in some sort of camp. There were
> lots of women around. He
> decided this was good, but endeavoured not to be in the least bit
> impressed.
Can you make it harder for him to not be impressed? Like throw in a
fantastapotamous.
> Right next to him, a man stood, with a bland, friendly expression
> on his face.
> Schmuck, Hamster II thought.
> The schmuck obviously had something to say.
Obviously.
Hehehe.
> Hamster II poked the zombie with his stick a few
> times, and it fell down dead.
> Deader than it was. Which was saying something.
> ”Well, isn’t this wand supposed to be able to raise skeletons?”
> Hamster II twiddled the wand for
> a moment, remembering what Charsi had babbled about it. ”Come on then!
> Abracadabra!”
> There was a whoosh, and the zombie corpse in front of him
> exploded in a cloud of fleshy bits.
> The skeleton within stood up, brushed itself off, and brandished its
> little sword.
> ”Where do we go now, chief? Huh? Where do we go, who do we kill?
> Watcha wanna do, huh?”
> the skeleton sniggered and ran back and forth like a puppy on a
> leash. ”Where to, what next, huh?
> Huh?”
> Hamster II grinned. Here, at last, was something moderately cool.
>
As is this story. Good work Chucky.
Dr Nick
PS - Watch out for your formatting or CR, they show up like little
boxes. Paste from a text file.
--
Eddie should go write his own stuff.
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.
forsa...@my-deja.com
> ”Well, isn’t this wand supposed to be able to raise skeletons?”
> Hamster II twiddled the wand for
> a moment, remembering what Charsi had babbled about it. ”Come on then!
> Abracadabra!”
> There was a whoosh, and the zombie corpse in front of him
> exploded in a cloud of fleshy bits.
> The skeleton within stood up, brushed itself off, and brandished its
> little sword.
> ”Where do we go now, chief? Huh? Where do we go, who do we kill?
> Watcha wanna do, huh?”
> the skeleton sniggered and ran back and forth like a puppy on a
> leash. ”Where to, what next, huh?
> Huh?”
> Hamster II grinned. Here, at last, was something moderately cool.
>
Moderately? Having minions is the coolest thing, since like, ever!
Thanks for writting this. I loved it. Your style is always fun to
read. Subtley witty. It's always a good read, your stuff. I
especially liked the article on alt.fanspuds about you, C, the weeds,
the kitty who pooped on your bills, etc.
Forsaken_1
cyberwollf
hehe. that was a great read.
--
cyberwollf
mister c of nine
<janica....@pp.inet.fi>siezed hold of the nearest penis and
trumpeted out the following drivel:
> ”Where do we go now, chief? Huh? Where do we go, who do we kill?
>Watcha wanna do, huh?”
>the skeleton sniggered and ran back and forth like a puppy on a
>leash. ”Where to, what next, huh?
>Huh?”
> Hamster II grinned. Here, at last, was something moderately cool.
i smell your hatboy story...
*grin*
--
alt.CMMCollective: #0042 of 0069
"Mooching is Irrelevent."
---
"Blessed be the Followers of the
Coke Truck." - Old CMM Saying.
"that sig is my load, and i'm a
road train." - The Lost Trucker.
-<Please Note: the 10-codes are found at
the below site, or on alt.cmm>-
---
Brought to you by CGP Online,
the CMM Collective,
and Mister C of Nine
http://www.users.bigpond.com/misterc
"You're a bunny squick."
<message ends>
Chuck&Janica
><snip cool hamsterness>
>
>hehe. that was a great read.
Wait till you find out what happened to Hamster I.
Chuck&Janica
<39af782d...@news.bigpond.com>...
>> Hamster II grinned. Here, at last, was something moderately
cool.
>
>i smell your hatboy story...
>
>*grin*
What?
Chuck&Janica
<8ommj6$lot$1...@nnrp1.deja.com>...
>Thanks for writting this. I loved it. Your style is always fun to
>read. Subtley witty. It's always a good read, your stuff. I
>especially liked the article on alt.fanspuds about you, C, the weeds,
>the kitty who pooped on your bills, etc.
Well thank you.
Part Two is posted, but I forgot about Dr. Nick's advice about putting
it in a text file, so its formatting is way out to shit just like part
one. Part Three will be okay though, I promise.
mister c of nine
>mister c of nine kirjoitti viestissä
><39af782d...@news.bigpond.com>...
>
>>> Hamster II grinned. Here, at last, was something moderately
>cool.
>>
>>i smell your hatboy story...
>>
>>*grin*
>
>What?
the skelomages. HAVE to be a hatboy adventure. especially with that
skelomonologue of doom.
Chuck&Janica
>the skelomages. HAVE to be a hatboy adventure. especially with that
>skelomonologue of doom.
Nope. Completely separate silly story.
Mr.Morph
could almost see hamster waking around with his tiny little wand and poke
zombies
Chuck&Janica <janica....@pp.inet.fi> wrote in message
news:Jetr5.218$u05....@read2.inet.fi...
Chuck&Janica
>that was a cool story chuck
>could almost see hamster waking around with his tiny little wand and
poke
>zombies
*bows*
It helps to have the game running while you type.