MiSTed: The Tale of Grumpy Weasel, Chapter 26 [ 1 / 1 ]

[Joseph Nebus]

>
>
> XXVI

JOEL: You mean 'XXV *me*'.

>
> HOW GRUMPY HELPED

TOM: Did it involve grumping? I bet grumping paid a part.
JOEL: It was the Shake-n-Bake.

>
> Grumpy Weasel wondered how Peter Mink was going to
> get Mr. Snowy Owl out of Pleasant Valley.

CROW: How many minks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

> He had never
> dreamed that Peter could do it.

TOM: What do you suppose Grumpy's dreams are like?
JOEL: I bet he has the one where he's in school but he's wearing clothes.

> But as he thought the matter
> over he remembered that Peter was a good deal bigger than
> himself.

CROW: He had to think to remember that?

>
> "If I were Peter Mink's size

TOM: Wait, then whose size would Peter Mink have?

> I would give Mr. Snowy
> Owl the worst punishing he ever had!"

JOEL: If you're that much smaller now you can give him a pretty poor punishing.
CROW: [ As Peter ] 'Yeah, uh meanwhile, my leg caught in the trap? Can we work on that a little?'

> Grumpy exclaimed under
> his breath.

CROW: [ As Peter ] 'Cause, you know, the blood loss ... '

> "So maybe Peter can do as he claims, after all."

CROW: [ As Peter ] 'Cause I'm kind of seeing dead relatives a little? Oh, there's Jimmy Rabbit's brother?'

>
> "Very well!" Grumpy Weasel told Peter Mink. "This is
> a bargain.

TOM: Now would you like to trade it for what's inside the box?

> I'll help you out of the trap. And you'll rid
> Pleasant Valley of Mr. Snowy Owl by April Fool's Day."

CROW: Thinking how rough Peter's going to have explaining 'March' to an owl.

>
> "Agreed!" Peter Mink cried. "And now, how are you
> going to set me free?"

TOM: [ As Grumpy ] 'I'll use my third and final wish!'

>
> "I'm going to bite your leg off," Grumpy Weasel said
> cheerfully.

CROW: Grumpy Weasel *is* Doctor Forrester talking to TV's Frank.

>
> "Oh, no! You're not going to do that!" Peter Mink
> howled.

TOM: Now let's be reasonable, what if he bites it right back on?

> "I don't want you to do that!"

JOEL: Well, what if he just bites it half-off? Compromise?

>
> "I made a bargain with you," Grumpy Weasel reminded
> him, "and I intend to carry out my part of it."

CROW: The quality of mercy is not weasels ...

>
> "Stop a moment," Peter Mink cried.

TOM: [ As Peter ] 'Is my leg really going to fit in you? I'm completely lost on the relative sizes of minks and weasels, sorry.'

> For Grumpy Weasel,
> with his back arched like a cat's,

JOEL: Oh, now he's going to pick a fight with a cat for copying his back-arching.

> and his white whiskers
> twitching, had already taken a step towards him.

TOM: [ As Darth Vader ] 'Peter ... *I* am your weasel.'

> "If you bite
> off my leg I'd never be able to get rid of Mr. Snowy Owl."

CROW: What if you bit off the trap? Maybe that would help?

>
> That brought Grumpy Weasel up short.

JOEL: [ As Grumpy ] 'Are you making fun of my size?'
TOM: [ As Peter ] 'What? That was Arthur Scott Bailey, go bite *his* leg off!'

CROW: Anyway he was making fun of your lack of size.

> He thought
> deeply for a moment; and then he exclaimed: "I have it!

CROW: [ As Grumpy ] 'We'll set you in a bath and see if you weigh as much as your weight in gold!'

> You
> must bite off your own leg!"

JOEL: Well then what does he need *you* for, Grumpy?

>
> But Peter Mink proved a hard one to please.

TOM: He's awfully hung up on this 'body integrity' thing.

>
> "You don't understand!" he said.

CROW: [ As Peter ] 'Let me explain! Snorgelty blother nad flopnagle!'
JOEL: And stoop!

> "If I lose a leg I
> know I never could get Mr. Snowy Owl out of the valley."

TOM: He'll be stuck doing all these circles.

>
> At that Grumpy Weasel lost his temper completely.

JOEL: Now what'll he do without his temper?

> With a cry of rage he sprang at his cousin, Peter Mink,

CROW: Found it!

> prisoner though he was. And Grumpy would have buried his
> white teeth in him except for just one thing.

TOM: Plaque.

> As he leaped
> forward Peter Mink leaped backward.

JOEL: Bonk!
CROW: [ As Peter ] '*My* backward!'

> And in that moment Peter
> freed himself.

TOM: Turns out legs just pop off!
CROW: Pop goes the mink-le?

> He had been caught only by the merest tip of a
> toe, anyhow.

CROW: Whaaat?
JOEL: Oh sure, *now* it turns out he was barely caught.

> And now he crouched with his back against the
> bank of the brook, facing Grumpy Weasel with mouth wide open.

TOM: Close your mouth, were you raised in a barn?
CROW: *Yes*.

> His meekness had dropped off him like an old coat.

JOEL: And top hat.

> And Grumpy
> Weasel knew better than to get within his reach. In fact he
> turned polite himself, all at once.

CROW: You know what this needs? Someone bringing up politics.

>
> "There!" he said. "I got you out of the trap, as I
> had planned to all the time.

TOM: He figured to keep talking until Arthur Scott Bailey was done with the whole 'mink trap' thing.

> I knew that if I could make you
> jump you'd pull your foot loose."

JOEL: Now kick off your Sunday shoes.

>
> Well, Peter Mink hardly believed that. But he thought
> there was no use of saying so.

TOM: No sense crying over spilt mink.

>
> He was glad enough to escape Farmer Green's hired
> man's trap without having a dispute over the way it happened.

CROW: Does suggest Peter Mink wasn't trying before.
JOEL: He saw a chance to engage with Grumpy and it didn't work out great, but you respect him for reaching out.

>
> "I hope you'll keep your promise," Grumpy told Peter
> Mink.

TOM: I don't know, does it take any special food or something?

> "If Mr. Snowy Owl doesn't leave these parts by April
> Fool's Day I won't like it very well.

CROW: What day is it now?
JOEL: April 3rd.
CROW: D'oh!

> You know you agreed to
> get him away from here by that time."

TOM: [ As Peter ] 'I know that! You don't have to bite my leg off!'
CROW: [ As Grumpy ] 'Are we sure of that?'

>
> "Oh! He'll be gone by then," said Peter Mink lightly.

JOEL: Hey, what's the bright idea?

> "He always leaves at the end of the winter, because he spends
> his summers in the Far North."

CROW: Canada?
TOM: North Carolina.
CROW: Poor guy.

>
> When he heard that, Grumpy Weasel was angry as
> anything.

TOM: I bet he wasn't angry as Mister Rogers, ever think of that?

>
> "Then Mr. Owl is likely to be back here next fall,"
> he said quickly.

JOEL: [ As Peter ] 'Not when I tell him about this valley where everyone isn't being weird at him!'

>
> "I dare say," Peter Mink admitted carelessly.

TOM: Yeah? Well do you double-mink *dare* say?

>
> Grumpy Weasel backed cautiously away before he said
> another word.

CROW: Later he appreciated the lesson about the transience of suffering.

> But when he had whisked into a great willow
> that leaned over Broad Brook

JOEL: Brook's there desperately trying to get attention, get Grumpy to pull the gag off its mouth.

> he told his cousin what he
> thought about him.

TOM: But it's the same thing he thinks about everyone, so it wasn't any big surprise.

>
> As for Peter Mink---he was nursing his injured paw
> (in his mouth!)

CROW: Aw, I wanted to see Peter Mink in scrubs! He'd be great!

> and he said never a word.

TOM: Here it comes, gang, the book's thesis statement.
JOEL: The one thing we're supposed to take away from it.
CROW: And what does the book want us to learn?

>
> THE END
>

CROW: Eh, well, that's something.
TOM: Let's blow this popsicle stand.

[ ALL exit the theater. ]

[ ... My THE END too; thanks for reading! ]
--
Joseph Nebus
Math Blog: https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com
Humor Blog: https://nebushumor.wordpress.com
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