> FATTY RACCOON AND THE MONSTER
CROW: My favorite bubblegum psychedelic band!
> One night Fatty Raccoon was strolling along the road that wound
> through the valley.
MIKE: His evening constitutional is when Fatty has all his best songwriting ideas.
> He was in no hurry, for he had just left Farmer
> Green's apple orchard, where he had bolted all the apples he could
> possibly eat.
TOM: [ As Fatty ] Oh, narrator, you sweet innocent child.
CROW: He means the farm ran out of apples.
> The night was dark and though it was not very late, all
> the country people seemed to be in bed.
MIKE: [ As country person ] 'Yup! See me in bed? That's me!'
CROW: 'Me too! No need to come check!'
> There were no farmers driving
> along the road.
TOM: They'd already harvested this year's crop of potholes.
> Fatty had it all to himself. And so he walked slowly
> homewards. It was then that the terrible monster almost caught him.
CROW: Well, that'll happen.
> This is how it all happened.
MIKE: If you believe the *official* account.
> There was a br-br-br-r-r-r in the
> air. Fatty really should have heard it long before he did.
TOM: [ As Fatty ] OK, so it's a sound, then?
MIKE: [ As Narrator ] Of course it's a sound! What else could it be?
TOM: [ As Fatty ] I thought it was maybe a chill in the air? Like you were being metaphorical?
MIKE: [ As Narrator ] Why would I start being metaphorical on you?
TOM: [ As Fatty ] You're the narrator! You can do what you want.
> But he had
> eaten so many apples that he had begun to feel sleepy;
CROW: Oh no, Snow White!
> and his ears
> were not so sharp as they should have been. And when at last Fatty
> heard that br- r-r-r it was quite loud. He was startled.
TOM: But you never expect a pack of feral leaf blowers.
> And he
> stopped right in the middle of the road to listen. Fatty had never
> heard such a sound before.
CROW: The heavenly host calling to give Fatty the good news of oleomargarine.
> The strange animal was on him before he knew it. Its glaring
> eyes blinded him.
TOM: [ As a nervous Fatty ] 'Sc ... sc ... science?'
> And if it had not screamed at him Fatty would never
> have escaped. It was the terrible screech of the monster which finally
> made Fatty jump It was a frightful cry --- like six wildcats all wailing
MIKE: It's terrifying but it's also kinda metal.
> And Fatty leaped to one side of the road just before the
> monster reached him.
CROW: It's Johnny Appleseed and he's MAD!
> The great creature went past Fatty like the wind and tore on
> up the hill. He seemed to be running so fast that he could not stop.
MIKE: Is this *our* Fatty?
> Fatty could hear him panting as he climbed the sharp rise of the road.
> Fatty Raccoon hurried away. He wanted to get home before the
> monster could stop and come back to look for him.
TOM: Weird feeling like Fatty's doing the right thing here.
> When Fatty told his mother about his narrow escape Mrs. Raccoon
> became much excited. She felt sure that Fatty was not mistaken, for
> had she not heard that strange cry herself?
CROW: Mrs Raccoon thinking back of monsters who ran past her in her youth ...
> There it was again! Woo-ooo-ooo-oo-o! It began low, rose to a
> shriek, and then died away again.
MIKE: Is it the Creeping Terror?
> Mrs. Raccoon and Fatty climbed to the very top of their old
> poplar and gazed down the valley.
TOM: That tree's only pop'lar in its own clique.
> "Look, Mother!" Fatty cried. "He's stopped at Farmer Green's!
CROW: I wonder what Farmer Green's name is in the raccoon tongue.
MIKE: You mean like, does it translate to green as the color or green as in inexperienced?
CROW: Right, that sort of thing.
> You can see his eyes from here!"
MIKE: [ Waving eagerly ] Howdy, eyes!
> Mrs. Raccoon looked. Sure enough! It was just as Fatty said. And
> that horrid call echoed across the valley once more.
TOM: [ As Mrs Raccoon ] Looky there! A gen-u-ine 1915 Dort Motor Company Rampaging Monster! Don't hardly see them anymore.
> Farmer Green stuck his head out of his chamber-window, to see
> what the man in the automobile wanted.
CROW: [ As Farmer Green ] A travelling salesman joke? I'm sorry, I don't know any.
> "Where's the nearest village, please?" the stranger asked.
MIKE: [ As Mrs Green ] This isn't the village?
> after Farmer Green had told him the man drove his car on again.
MIKE: [ As Mrs Green ] No, take me with you!
> From their tree-top Fatty and his mother watched the monster
> dash down the valley.
TOM: On Dasher! On Dancer!
> They knew he had gone, because they could see
> the gleam of those awful eyes.
MIKE: o/`` There ain't no way to hide those awful eyes ... o/``
> "Do you suppose he ate up Farmer Green and his family?" Fatty
> asked in a frightened voice.
CROW: Fatty, there are ways to interact with people besides eating them.
MIKE: Deaf ears, Crow.
> "I hope so," she said. "Then perhaps there'll be no more traps
> in the woods."
TOM: But without traps how are we going to keep the woods's tree population in control?
> "But who would plant the corn?" Fatty asked.
CROW: The ... the Little Red Hen?
> Mrs. Raccoon did not appear to hear his question.
TOM: Serious moment of growing-up as Fatty learns his mother's fallible.
[ End of Chapter ]
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