MiSTed: The Tale of Grumpy Weasel, Chapter 20 [ 1 / 1 ]

[Joseph Nebus]

>
>
> XX

JOEL: Someone punched out the story, it's got X's in its eyes.

>
> A FREE RIDE

TOM: When you've already paid.

>
> Inside the jug,

CROW: [ As Grumpy ] 'Get my mouthpiece on the horn!'

> where he had hidden to escape Henry
> Hawk, Grumpy Weasel yawned widely and licked his chops.

TOM: Oh, at least he has something to snack on while he waits, that's nice.

> He
> was having a dull time,

JOEL: He should jus skip to the next scene then.

> waiting until he was sure that Henry
> Hawk had given up the chase and gone away.

CROW: [ As Grumpy ] Are you still out there?
JOEL: [ As Henry ] No! I mean! ... Oh, you *are* a wily one.

>
> In a little while Grumpy believed he could venture
> out in safety.

TOM: A little Squirrel Scout came out to ask if she could walk him across the road.

> But suddenly, to his great disgust, a wagon
> came clattering in from the road

CROW: Aw, great. Tourists.

> and pulled up right beside
> the pile of empty barrels near him.

JOEL: Oh, he would get stuck the day the cooper-monger came to review the wares.

>
> It was Farmer Brown, driving his old horse Ebenezer.

TOM: Who'd just been visited by the Ghosts of Preaknesses Past, Present, and Yet To Come.

> And of course Grumpy Weasel didn't care to show himself just
> then,

JOEL: Weasels are known to be weak to horse types.

> especially with old dog Spot nosing around.

CROW: Hey, we can ask Spot about that capture Fatty Raccoon was talking about!

> He had
> already heard Spot give several sharp yelps.

TOM: Spot is reviewing things left and right! He can't be stopped!

>
> "That old dog knows I'm here somewhere

CROW: I mean, you're always *somewhere*.
TOM: Not if you don't have object permanence!

> but he can't
> tell exactly where," Grumpy said to himself.

JOEL: Aw, go ahead and tell him, he won't gossip.

> "He can yelp his
> head off, for all I care."

TOM: Not in the Snuffy Smith way! That way's odd.

>
> And then Spot began to whine, and run in and out
> among the barrels,

JOEL: Hey, those aren't barrels of wine.

> until he all but tripped Farmer Green, who
> was loading the barrels into the wagon.

TOM: Sneaking more Marx Brothers into the story!

>
> "Let him whine!" said Grumpy Weasel softly.

JOEL: Oh please don't, it makes the neighbors tense.

> "His
> yelping and whining don't scare me. He can't get inside this
> jug of mine.

TOM: This little jug of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.

> And I certainly shan't leave it so long as he
> stays here."

CROW: Once he leaves, though, maybe I shan.

>
> Meanwhile he could hear Farmer Green talking to old
> Spot, telling him not to be silly.

JOEL: [ As Spot ] 'But ... I got my clown makeup out and *everything*!

>
> "From the way you're acting anybody might think there
> was a bear around here," he told Spot.

TOM: [ As a Bear ] 'I am! ... ... uh ... rawr?'

>
> Old dog Spot explained to Farmer Green in no
> uncertain fashion that it was no bear---but a weasel

CROW: Or as the Germans call them, 'a sneaky pounce bear'.

> ---that
> he was looking for. His nose told him that.

JOEL: Tattletale!
TOM: Tattle*nose*.

> And there was no
> mistake about it. But somehow Farmer Green couldn't
> understand a word he said.

CROW: Try telling him in Law French!
JOEL: Why?
CROW: I just like there's such a thing as 'Law French'.

> So after putting the last barrel
> on the load Farmer Green climbed up himself and started to
> drive off.

TOM: Donkey Kong: The Prequel Menace.

>
> But old dog Spot wouldn't budge an inch.

CROW: Inches are the most stubborn creatures on the farmyard.

> He hovered
> about the jug where Grumpy Weasel was hiding and made such a
> fuss that Farmer Green looked back at him.

TOM: Little nip for the dog that bit you?

>
> "Well! well!" he exclaimed.

JOEL: [ As Farmer Green ] 'A dog that can hover! You're sure to win the County Floating Contest!'

> And he stopped the horse
> Ebenezer and jumped down and walked back again.

CROW: [ As Ebeneezer ] A visitation from the Ghost of Small Errands Yet To Run!

>
> "I declare I'd have forgotten to take this jug if you
> hadn't reminded me of it," he told Spot.

JOEL: Farmer Green believes his pets worry about unfinished chores.

> And thereupon he
> picked up the jug and set it in the back of the wagon.

TOM: Old Weasel, 100 proof.

>
> This time Spot followed.

CROW: Follow the Spots.
JOEL: Leaves a little dotted line like Billy in The Family Circus.

> This time he was in the
> wagon before Farmer Green was.

TOM: He wants the front seat.

> And all the way down the road,
> until they reached the farmyard, he acted (or so Farmer Green
> told him!) like a simpleton.

JOEL: [ As Farmer Green ] 'Yep, ol' Spot, it's really easy. They're going to look at my jug full of weasel and they're going to say, 'Now, Daniel Green, we know you can't build a full-grown weasel in a bottle like that, and we know you can't fit a baby weasel in there and grow him up inside, so how did you get a full-grown weasel in side there?' And I'll slap my knee and tell them, 'It's all easy once you remember that my first name is Richard'.'

>
> The whole affair made Grumpy Weasel terribly angry.

TOM: Luckily, 'Angry' is his middle name.
CROW: You suppose his parents named him?

> He thought it was an outrage for Farmer Green to kidnap him
> like that.

CROW: Well sorry, I don't see *you* suggesting better ways to kidnap yourself.

> And he was so enraged that he would have taken a
> bite out of anything handy.

JOEL: Even crime.

> But there wasn't a thing in the
> jug except himself.

TOM: And he can't do that, that's Meany Weasel's thing.

>
> At last the strange party drew up in front of the
> barn and stopped.

CROW: 'Strange' party?
JOEL: Yeah, like you have to come dressed as your third-favorite commedia dell'arte character and the music is entirely that twenty-minute cover of 'Sex Dwarf' that sounds like it was done tranquilized.

> Farmer Green led Ebenezer into his stall.

TOM: But could not make him drink.

> And then he took the jug, with Grumpy Weasel still inside in,
> and in spite of Spot's protests set it high up on a shelf in
> the barn.

CROW: [ As Farmer Green ] 'A little treat for later.'

>
> It was easy for Grumpy, after that, to crawl out of
> the jug.

JOEL: [ As Grumpy ] 'Say you!' (Thump!)

> He scurried along the shelf, climbed up the wall,
> and glided through a crack in the ceiling,

CROW: Um, excuse me, where was it established there were cracks in the ceilings before? Deus ex machina anyone?

> to hide himself in
> the haymow above.

TOM: o/` Haymow, haymow, my boyfriend's back. o/`

>
> "Old Spot didn't get me this time!" he said
> gleefully.

JOEL: [ As Spot ] 'Let's try it again, I bet I get farther!'

> "Not by a jugful, he didn't!"

CROW: Not by a jugful?
TOM: It's an old-timey expression because it's literally true!

[ to continue ... ]

--
Joseph Nebus
Math Blog: https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com
Humor Blog: https://nebushumor.wordpress.com
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