MiSTed: The Tale of Grumpy Weasel, Chapter 22 [ 1 / 1 ]

[Joseph Nebus]

>
>
> XXII

TOM: Eggs and eyes?!

>
> GRUMPY'S THREAT

CROW: He warns he's going to break into song.
JOEL: o/` I'm mean ... you know what I mean ... o/`

>
> Meeting Grumpy Weasel in the woods one day, Tommy Fox

TOM: Tommy Fox? The Dodgers pitcher?

> stopped to have a chat with him.

JOEL: Oh, it's so nice to bring a chat, split it with friends, dip it in tea ...

> He always liked to chat with
> Grumpy, it was so easy to get him angry, and such fun to see
> him fly into a passion.

TOM: Hey, that's mean!
CROW: That's like two-thirds of you and me hanging out, Tom.

>
> "You're looking very elegant in your winter suit,"
> Tommy Fox remarked. "White is becoming to you

JOEL: [ As Grumpy ] 'Yes, white be coming to me every winter and be leaving every summer.'

> ---there's no
> doubt of that. And that black tip on the end of your tail is
> just what's needed to complete your costume.

TOM: Without it your tail would be infinitely long.

> It matches your
> eyes nicely.... You must have a good tailor."

CROW: Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs Robinson?

>
> People were apt to be wary of Tommy Fox when fine
> words dripped from his mouth like that.

JOEL: [ As Tommy ] 'Dripped? I enunciate clearly, my good narrator!'

> It usually meant that
> he was bent on some mischief.

TOM: Never ignore the predator's drive to just mess with folks.

> And now Grumpy Weasel looked at
> him suspiciously.

CROW: [ As Grumpy ] 'Well, we've known each other our entire lives but I'm only going to act on what you say and do right this minute.'

>
> "If you admire my clothes so much why don't you get
> some like them?" he demanded.

JOEL: Jeez, learn to take a compliment, Grumpy.

>
> Tommy Fox shook his head mournfully.

CROW: [ As Tommy ] 'No, no, we foxes must be Naked Boot People if we're to remain true to the model of Sonic's sidekick Tails.'

>
> "I'd like to," he said, "but I'm too humble a person
> to dress like a king, in ermine.

TOM: By the Dead Milkmen.

. My family have always worn
> red.

CROW: Foxes stand for the liberation of the world from class warfare.

> The neighbors wouldn't know me in anything else.

JOEL: What about your Robin Hood costume?

> Or if
> they did they'd say I was putting on airs."

TOM: And if I want to put on airs I'm going to dress all in balloons.

>
> "If you want to know what I think, I'll tell you that
> red's entirely too good for you," Grumpy Weasel sneered.

CROW: [ As Tommy ] 'What do you think of orange for me?'
TOM: [ As Grumpy ] 'Too loud.'
CROW: [ As Tommy ] 'How about green?'
TOM: [ As Grumpy ] 'Too immature.'
CROW: [ As Tommy ] 'Fuchsia?'
TOM: [ As Grumpy ] 'Nothing but vaporwave purple!'
CROW: [ As Tommy ] 'Chartreuse?'
TOM: [ As Grumpy ] 'That ought to be what we call heliotrope!'

>
> Tommy Fox smiled somewhat sourly. Grumpy Weasel's
> remark did not please him.

TOM: Hey, *you* started it.

> But he managed to say nothing
> disagreeable.

JOEL: [ As Grumpy ] 'I disagree!'

>
> "I suppose," he went on, "you've met the newcomer in
> our valley who dresses as you do, in white and black?"

CROW: Johnny Cash and his evil twin?
JOEL: Boss Hogg and his good twin?
TOM: Pepe le Pew?

>
> "What's that you say?" Grumpy Weasel barked.

CROW: [ As Tommy ] 'That'?
TOM: [ As Grumpy ] 'Yes, that that! That's the that you said!'

> "Who's
> gone and copied my cold-weather clothes?

CROW: Grumpy believes in fashion copyrights!

> If I meet him I'll
> make it hot for him."

JOEL: Grumpy's going to be so embarrassed when it's Mildred Weasel.
TOM: Funny thing is on a date he's a perfect charmer.

>
> "Perhaps I shouldn't have mentioned the matter,"
> Tommy Fox said softly. "I don't like to displease you.

CROW: [ As Tommy ] 'Well! Say, did you ever think of re-racing Jimmy Rabbit?'

> And I
> don't want to get a stranger into trouble either,

JOEL: But that's the best kind of Western, where a stranger's in trouble.

> just as he
> has come to spend the winter amongst us.

TOM: Black-and-white visitor for the winter ... are they getting polar bears? Or penguins?

>
> "And besides," Tommy added, "it would be a shame for
> you to quarrel with the stranger because he happens to choose
> your favorite colors.

CROW: Quarrel over something meaningful instead, like a Star Wars movie.

> That only goes to show that your tastes
> are alike."

JOEL: [ As Grumpy ] 'Well, I do like tasting people.'

>
> "That's exactly what I object to!" Grumpy Weasel
> complained, getting much excited.

TOM: [ As Chico Marx ] 'I abject!'

> "If his tastes are the same
> as mine he'll want to come and hunt along my stone wall.

CROW: Hey, you only use that stone wall to check for holes going halfway through!

> And
> there'll be trouble if he does that! The fur will fly!"

JOEL: Turns out the visitor is a hot-air-balloon and ...

>
> Tommy Fox turned his head away,

TOM: Sorry, no room on the shoulders, already got Snuffy Smith filling up the spot.

> for he simply had to
> enjoy a grin and he didn't want Grumpy Weasel to see it.

CROW: Y'know the law says your boss has to give you one break to grin for every four hours you work.

>
> "I'm sorry I spoke about the stranger," he said
> glibly,

TOM: I just assumed you had read Camus.

> as soon as he could keep his face straight.

JOEL: Oh, he's corpsing, they're going to have to do the whole scene over.

> "But I
> thought the news would please you."

CROW: [ As Tommy ] 'Ah well, off to mess with Albert Alligator's head.'

>
> "It would certainly please me to meet him," Grumpy
> Weasel declared fiercely.

JOEL: Careful, this is how Miles Archer got it.

> "And it would please me much more
> than it would him, I can tell you."

TOM: [ As Tommy ] 'Imagine that!'

>
> "It wouldn't be treating a newcomer well to let him
> wander through the woods when you feel as you do about him.

CROW: If the stranger's a birch tree he's just being part of the woods.

> I
> ought to warn him to leave Pleasant Valley before it's too
> late," Tommy said.

TOM: Maybe he can stay if he covers himself in polka dots?

>
> "It would be treating him better to give him a good
> lesson before he goes," Grumpy Weasel said.

CROW: [ As Grumpy ] 'Do you still have that talk you gave about the historical Sparta?'

> "You needn't say
> a word to him about my wanting to meet him.

JOEL: [ As Grumpy ] 'I'll tell him I want to meet him when I meet him! So there!'

> Let the fur fly
> first! And then he'll flee.

TOM: Easier said than done.
CROW: No, no it is not.

>
> "That's my way of getting rid of strangers!"

JOEL: Grumpy is a firm opponent of gentrifying Pleasant Valley.


[ ... to be continued ... ]
--
Joseph Nebus
Math Blog: https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com
Humor Blog: https://nebushumor.wordpress.com
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