The Mr. KFI Frequently Asked Questions list v.1.00
Robert Briggs
The Mr. KFI FAQ (Frequently-Asked Questions) version 1.00
Compiled 9/11/94 by Robert Briggs (rbr...@netcom.com) and
by Brian Nunes (bnu...@netcom.com)
Q: Why?
A: Because.
Q: Who is Mr. KFI?
A: Mr. KFI is the dopest, freshest homeboy on KFI. He is
interactive and multimedia. He is charismatic, and people
do flock to him. He is not like other radio talk-show hosts.
Q: What is Mr. KFI's show called?
A: It is called "Ask Mr. KFI." However, very few of his callers
seem to remember this accurately.
Q: What is Mr. KFI's real name?
A: His first name is M, his middle name is Ster, and his last
name is KFI. He comes from a long line of KFI's.
Q: When is Mr. KFI on the radio?
A: Mr. KFI is heard every Saturday and Sunday from 6-9 p.m., from
now until the end of the milennium.
Q: Where can I hear the "Ask Mr. KFI Show"?
A: Mr. KFI's show can be heard in the 14 Western United States.
Q: What is the Mr. KFI show like?
A: He has no guests, no topics, no screener, no goofy sound effects,
no pre-recorded comedy, no scripts, no planted callers --
all he's armed with is a 50,000-watt microphone to pummel you
into submission. For these reasons it is a talk show the way
Mother Nature intended a talk show to be. It is also the most
cost-effective show currently broadcast in North America.
It is the modern-day campfire and the most popular show among
alcoholics, insomniacs, and those inclined toward deviant social
behavior.
Q: Are there any advantages of listening to the Mr. KFI show?
A: Of course! He will change your life in magical ways.
Q: What is Mr. KFI talking about when he refers to a caller as
"Local and hostile" or "Distant and docile"?
A: Mr. KFI likes to refer to the caller on Line 5 as "Local
and hostile," and the caller on Line 2 as "Distant and docile."
Q: How can loyal minions of Mr. KFI show their devotion?
A: They can take the Mr. KFI oath.
Q: What is the Mr. KFI oath?
A: "I, State Your Name, am a member of a small but growing legion
of Mr. KFI fans, and I pledge to protect Mr. KFI and his good
name from all enemies foreign and domestic." After professing
this oath you become deputized and can administer the oath
to others (do not take the oath lightly!). You can take the
oath at home or even in your car; you do not have to be on the
air to take the oath.
Q: What are the questions most commonly asked of Mr. KFI?
A: "What is a SigAlert?" and "What do you think of the
legalization of drugs?"
Q: What is a SigAlert?
A: The SigAlert was named after Lloyd Sigmund, one of the original
traffic reporters in Los Angeles. It is a planned lane closure
that will last at least 30 minutes.
Q: What does Mr. KFI think of the legalization of drugs?
A: Mr. KFI is in favor of the legalization of drugs. The war on drugs isn't
working. And as long as alcohol and caffeine are legal, so should
marijuana be.
Q: I hear callers often asking Mr. KFI for a prediction of, say,
what to pick in the football pool, but he never offers any.
Why is that?
A: There are two reasons for that. First of all, Mr. KFI does
not make predictions. Second, Mr. KFI does not have the
sports gene. (Simply put, some people are born with it;
he is not.)
Q: What is Mr. KFI's political viewpoint?
A: Mr. KFI describes himself as a "law-and-order liberal." He is
also on a one-man crusade for the illegalization of veganism.
He believes in social Darwinism, meaning that only those callers
best-suited for the program will persevere and get through
on the telephone.
Q: What are Mr. KFI's religious beliefs?
A: Mr. KFI believes in a higher power, and just for the sake of
reference, he calls that power "the god of change." He does
not believe in any organized religion.
Q: Is there anything that Mr. KFI does *NOT* believe in?
A: Mr. KFI does not believe in the Council on Foreign Relations,
the Trilateral Commission, tarot card readings, or UFO's
(but he does believe in other intelligent life in the universe).
Q: Where did he grow up?
A: Mr. KFI was born and raised in Los Angeles, living mostly in Woodland
Hills and Tarzana. However, he lived in San Diego at the corner of
Prosperity and Defiance, near San Diego State University from ages
2-8.
Q: Where did Mr. KFI go to school?
A: He graduated from the University of California, Santa Barbara in 1989.
His degree was in Political Science. He also spent a year at Cal Poly,
San Luis Obispo.
Q: How is he?
A: Better than most, not as good as some.
Q: Where is Mr. KFI when he's not doing the show?
A: He is incarcerated and serving the remainder of his seven-year
sentence at the Men's Penitentiary in Century City during the week.
Occasionally he can be seen picking up litter along the San Diego
Freeway.
Q: When was he arrested?
A: He was not arrested; he turned himself in.
Q: When will he be released from jail?
A: When his seven-year sentence is over. He cannot be paroled,
because parole is only granted to rapists.
Q: Why is he in jail?
A: He was convicted of embezzling from his own checking account by failing
to fill out the check register.
Q: If he's in jail, how can he get to the KFI studios to do the show?
A: He is at KFI through a weekend furlough work release. The "Ask Mr.
KFI Show" is part of his community service. In fact, he was ordered
by a judge to do the Mr. KFI show. He is also allowed conjugal
visits with his wife, the lovely Mrs. Mr. KFI.
Q: What does the lovely Mrs. Mr. KFI do for a living?
A: She turns bolts at the GM plant in Van Nuys.
Q: Mr. KFI claims that he has no guests. Yet I frequently hear guests on
his show. What's going on?
A: These people are not guests. They are simply hanging with Mr. KFI.
Q: What is the so-called "3-umm" policy?
A: If a caller says "umm" 3 times during the course of the call, Mr. KFI
must cut him or her off.
Q: What are those "six-line tributes" that I hear Mr. KFI referring to
so often?
A: A "six-line tribute" requires six callers -- one on each line --
hence the name. He does not refer to them "so often"; rather,
he reserves them for people who have been truly memorable
figures. In a six-line tribute, Mr. KFI will take words of
respect and recognition from each of the six callers on the line.
Then in unison, the seven of them (including Mr. KFI) will say,
"Thanks, Dick" (or whatever happens to be the first name of the
honoree).
Q: Who is Mike TPA?
A: "Mike TPA" is actually an acronym; it stands for
"Mike The Parking Attendant," who is a regular caller to the
Mr. KFI show.
Q: What are the phone numbers to call into the show?
A: You can call toll-free from anywhere in the United States at
1-800-767-4KFI. There is also a local phone number good from the
213, 818 and 310 area codes: 520-1KFI.
Q: How can I e-mail Mr. KFI?
A: Mr. KFI can be reached at the following e-mail addresses:
Internet: mr...@netcom.com
America Online: AKA MrKFI
CompuServe: 72072,2417
Q: What if I don't have e-mail? How can a loyal minion get more
information about Mr. KFI and his show, and possibly leave a
message for Mr. KFI himself?
A: There is now a Minion Hotline, dedicated especially for the
minions of Mr. KFI. Just call (213) 368-MSTR and you can
leave a voice message for Mr. KFI.
Q: How can I remember the letters MSTR in the Minion Hotline number?
A: There are two ways: Either remember that it spells "Mister" (as in Mr.
KFI) but without the vowels, or that it stands for "More Stimulating
Talk Radio." Or, it could also stand for "Minion Support Telephone
Recording."
Q: Can I hang up on myself now?
A: It would be most appropriate if you did. Thank you for the call.
Exactly.
--
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***************************************\ /***
* Robert Briggs \ / *
* Glendale, California \ / *
* rbr...@netcom.com \ / *
*******************************************\/*******
"Some kind of solitude is measured out in you,
You think you know me but you haven't got a clue."