it's fine

[whorella mundane]

so after the youngsters made a sport of me
i thought "they made fun of jesus, too"
and how ... people say i have this huge personality
which sounds gross to me and i can't imagine how that's true
when i feel so small and excluded.

but yeah ... i am a funny girl.
i make faces ... i do it all for a laugh.
so sure ... i'm easy to make fun of.

i figure that's just a thing to be lived with.

damn it now i'm hungry.

i'll make some fish and i'll be back.

i am sooo poor right now.
and leo will be moving in soon
and with him and lolo ... i don't know.

he has to go to meetings each day with us.
he will want to get a job and that will be fine.

but we all think they get clean and all is well.
well ... not with this shit.
this will be an issue for life

so he will need a job but if him and lolo
get any money they will go off.

so okay ... being a mom ... i don't know.
the family story is that we mess up and then recover
and are big heroes for it.

so i just need to maintain that narrative.
keep working out. keep up the meetings.
keep ... trying.

but the "letting go" means not trying anymore.
i can't imagine that. i just can't.

so i have to do something.

and i think so little of myself.
what a loser. almost had it all.
never worked hard enough.

always had excuses
even as i graduated from CMU ...
everyone telling me i'm great
but i'm thinking "i should have been better"
and it's never enough


but i have to get pissed and that's not part of peace
but i think it will lead to pissed.

i get pissed. i get energy. then i do things.
even sometimes amazing things.

i hate being hungry.
am i really hungry?

why am i alive? there's never anything on TV.
it's a beautiful day.
i did bathe recently so that's done.

i got some new clothes since i have to go out all the time.
but we haven't been to meetings in over a week
cause sometimes you have to do drugs
to pass a test so you can get off drugs.
not kidding. so stupid.