one true thing

[whorella mundane]

the kids are thriving ... and i'm thriving
and it's all from the course in miracles
and ... jim i still think about you all the time
and wanted to tell you that ...

for the first time, during the second reading
of the text, all of my questions about god
have been answered and the verdict:

he loves us more than we can imagine.
this world is of our making ... not God's.
'tis but a dream of life while we sleep safely
and soundly in heaven and to wake ... tricky!

oh i resisted it the first time through
because i was like "oh fucking great it's just a dream
and all illusion but me, leo and lolo are all dying here
and ... i kept reading. i tried doing the workbook
but would stop ... okay yeah the body is a sybmol of guilt
but i still gotta deal with the pain and problems
and the hep-fucking-C, which i guess is the hippest of diseases
'cause if you don't get it from a transfusion,
you got it paryting or fucking with blood and injury involved
so whew hew!

so the second time through ... and now,
the locks have come off my closet door 'cause the kids,
once i realized their guilt was my own
and asked the holy spirit to shine its light on it,
the addictions just ... went away. in spurts, of course.

but im finally off that dang suboxone
and my doctor said my own addiction is in remission ...

i am not planning on doing anything
but reading the book, doing the exercises
and watch tv, plant some flowers, pay some bills.

god did not create this world!
he is not the author of our pain and sorrow. we are.
and man ... i wanted to hear that but i fought it
cause how does that help the syrians?
and isn't it wrong to do a spiritual exercise
that asks you to look at the horror of the world
and announce that it is not real as it is not of god?
isn't that irresponsible? but ... i trust it.

i stumbled across it while going through the bible again
and was doing some reading and found some guy who sounded
like an enlightened douchebag and he said the course in the miracles
was the way to go and my mom gave me the book and here we are.

i would read about how people would die and understand everything
and was like ... pumping fists "i'll never understand
a woman who can't nurse her own starving baby!" and was like "oh when i die, god has some answering to do!"

but when you die, you kinda wake from the dream
and realize it's hell down here and the suffering
is real when it's us whose experiencing it

the world is completely possesed by the human mind.

and then i read that gordon downie is dying and i was like AGH THAT IS IT FUCK THIS WORLD ... but i kept reading and i have tears in my eyes because i read that text and bust into tears at the beauty of the complex words that tells me that God loves me. us.

and i can't imagine oneness ... wholeness ... unity.
and i still have so much guilt, hence i judge.
but we judge ourselves, attack ourselves, before we attack another
and donald trump is just as symbol of my own guilt
and it's easier to take. i'm not as serious about it
and in fact ... it's kind of funny to me now.

i learned the answer could not be in politics
but everyone just thought i gave up my dreams.
its hard to know what the right dream is.

but i knew until there was a change of heart,
nothing would change. doesn't matter whose in charge.

so i don't know what my part in the atonement is
but the course says this world was over long ago

sleeping safely in heaven ... not enough for me
the first time around but wow this last tragically hip recoird
is so profound and fun and excellent and no one talked about it
given his diagnosis but the bastard is finally content
and i watch him with the first people and weep with gladness

i figure that is all over but i can't stop dreaming about him
even though i had stopped thinking about him.
i put all music away but ... the dreams.

like every night ... the dreams. i hope he is okay.
he could be taking his last breaths now for all i know.
and alone and secluded i had to let it all go
and i couldn't ... i couldn't listen anymore.

and the world held its party and the first nations did their dance
and that was it. and it broke my fucking heart,
so much more so as that sound was so profound
that it went unheard.

and i don't know why i'm writing this now
as i have no expectations for anyone anymore
but i have finally found the truth of my life

and i've been through my own small hell
with these kids, my health, everything.
and i wasn't funny anymore. nothing but heartbreak
and hearing he was supposed to be dying
was just another sign that god did not love me
and i was ready to give the whole thing up

but i noticed that if i fell alseep to the small glow
of my kindle (my mom's gift to me), i woke up
with a little smile. didn't last very long but ... i felt better.
i never thought i'd be able to get off the subs ...
i've been on it for two years and i was terrified
that if i stopped, that darkest of depressions
would engulf me again but the opposite has occurred

and i've never felt like i do now ...
i have found my truth.

i still don't give a shit about publishing
or "doing something with the words" that always came so easy to me.
of course my ego starts making plans and oh is it clever!

oh how i attacked with a hatchet of words, those i blamed
for the suffering of the world when all along it was me.
my projections. my perceptions. my illusions. my guilt.

and forgiveness is fucking hard ... i can say "i forgive so and so" but then i'm talking or thinking and still find comdendation there like "how could s/he have done that to me after all i showed them and taught then and with the might of my love for them that was lost on them?" but i'm working on it.

but my god the contradictions and confusion i've had my whole life and to find something true. a text about god with no contradictions?

oh i'm just a baby in the course. but wow i fought it.
but lolo just walked in all charming and beautiful.
and leo is a new man ... unselfish. never complains.
he's facing charges but no jail time.
just went to court for lolo and thought she was going to jail for sure given what they charged her with but nope! just a fine and no felony.

i always thought it took a full year to heal from an addiction but the world doesnt want to give them that much time but ... i guess it's about 6 months based on what i've seen. 6 months of laying around. 6 months of not worrying. and by the grace of god i can afford to support them both.

IN 6 MONTHS MY STUDENT LOANS WILL BE PAID OFF!
this is huge news for me as they go back almost 40 years
to the 80s! and i've loved gordon downie for 22 years.
and can't believe i ever liked adam duritz cause ...
well it never was for his good looks but dang. god love 'im!

so yeah ... i'm just a baby in the course
and at first i called it "a course in misery"
as i wanted to read that all my dreams would come true
and i wasn't even sure what those were but they weren't the right dreams
or they would have come true.

and, as always, i have no regrets.
i wish i could have saved my sister's life
but in my dreams, she is still alive
and we even still would argue! but i know
there is no death. just a lose of body.

it's all the opposite of what we hold to be real.
that what's real is outside of us.
we can feel, smell, touch but even quantum mechanics
tells us nothing is solid. at the smallest level, it's moving.

and i've had ... imaginings of the end of the dream.
from before i had the book.

so anyway i have to make a dang cake!
don't know why but suddenly i want to eat flowers.

we are not alone. and we are loved beyond what we could ever imagine.
i'm sure of this. i don't need anyone else to be sure.
i just felt like i had to tell you, jim.
as you are ... so amazing and in your solitude, searching.

i hope all is well ... truly.

i have a feeling i'll be back but i don't know.
it's out of my hands and into my Father's.

peace ... that is all i want anymore.
and maybe that's what getting old is. the knowledge that peace is the only thing worth having.

love,

whoever i am

[crescent...@gmail.com]

Yes, I remember that summer 22 yrs ago when I introduced you to Gords music riding around on the jo bus on the way to Anne of Green gables. Sure do😎

[whorella mundane]

AH HA HA I BAKED ALL DAY AND NOW I'M DRINKING LIQUOR
AND WRITING ABOUT GOD BECAUSE I'M. JUST. THAT FUCKING. FUNNY

remembering always myself, yo