OMG

[Whorella Mundane]

wow ... this machine sucks so bad ... but it was so expensive, stupid ass apple, and I fear getting a pc as all of my writing is Mac based. well I guess I'm going to have to put them in the cloud and never again will I by an apple computer.

it's like ... once you go Mac, you can't go back. not without losing so much stuff. one the computer I got before this one, in 2007, Tim got it for me, asshole as he is, threw away all copies of my articles. threw away all my stuff - never said "hey it's okay to come get it" - all because he's so fucking weak and small ... couldn't face me. my tape with gordon downie's voice on my answering machine. my early writing on paper. journals. stuff Leo made as a child. never even put it on the porch and said "come get it" so he could avoid me.

but yes ... my whole life people underestimate me ... they abuse my kindness ... they denigrate me to elevate myself ... so typical ... so yeah, I went down a dark path and so much of why is because what a former friend did to me ... inflicted so much doubt of self in me to avoid the fact that she just discard me to "follow her dreams" and for what?

you never heard of her company. or her tiny book. or anything she ever did. she's a fucking technical writer ... which is fine. yes ... but not for someone who used Ayn rand to talk shit about me AT WORK.

we had a mutal friend who also made shit up about me ... I broke up with him when I smacked him hard across the face but he tells me how he told his wife he had to break up with me because I'm so crazy. I took this fucker in when no one would talk to him. he had been badly abused and the mighty M told everyone all of the horrible, embarrassing, intimate things ... but he thinks she's great. always defending her. acting like she's fucking madonna or something.

yeah I was only a local celebrity ... but I wasn't going to leave family and friends to move to a big city to chase it. I didn't change how I wrote to stay in the spotlight. I never gave a fuck about it. I just wanted to defend the shit-on. i wrote out of love, not a desire to be a big success! and then, I just wanted to be able to support my son. get him through college.

but oh such an attention whore ... who accuse you of hogging all the attention? someone who is craving what you have. I only sought to make people laugh ... I didn't give a fuck who paid attention. but it that were the truth, they I'd have done what she did. fuck off all my friends, start buying clothes at the mall, develop a new accent, turn vegan and write about the positive side of global warming.

both of them ... I took her in ... I taught her to make her bed. I cleaned her shit stains off the toilet and she accuses me of demanding she worship me. christ! I couldn't get her to simply put her dirty dishes in the kitchen.

I never charged her rent ... I fed her ... as long as I could. I got money from fans ... shared everything with her. but wow ... at work ... she finally got to be better than me. she talked shit behind my back. okay fine but not AT WORK. and she did the same with this other dude ... "oh I think she's great" ... she won't invite him over, or call him, or anything like that.

when shit got bad for him, she didn't care. no one did. but me. and only yesterday did it occur to me that I was a fool for still talking to him. I never wanted to be with him! but oh ... I helped him ... and as soon as he's feeling better, I'm suddenly some fucking embarrassment to him ...

and I thought ... okay ... a course in miracles ... you have to forgive. BUT NO. NOT THIS. i mean I do feel bad for the girl asshole ... to some point. but to blame me for bruce breaking my heart ... to make me think I was crazy ... to act like she's too good for me?

and man ... she was glorious before she struck her new pose ... she was going to take the fashion world by storm, and fuck the rest of us. it was so sad ... but she had a man supporting her after she lost her job in the big city because she refused to be treated as I had been and do extra work. without him, she'd have been so fucked. no job. huge sudden loss of income, no savings. debt. and yet I was glad ... I always knew someday someone would love her.

but now ... she's so. superior ... so political ... but I suspect, still no friend of working hard. and she turned a. young fan of mine against me ... they'll both deny that because of course I'm just soooo fucked up. so crazy ...

well ... I'm finally starting to feel normal again after the ten year crush on my health. I have a decent 401K ... 10K put aside for my teeth, a savings account and thousands in my checking account. I work from home and not a terribly hard job. now a team leader so it's more work but I love my team! 22 data engineers responsible for the data model ... learning so much. making new friends. fun!

I think of the ten years at the most fucked up company ... how her advise was for me to tell my boss fuck. you .... I am sorry she had to listen to my work problems ... but I was really saying it all hoping, at one point, that she would say "I'll help you" and help me get a job in another dept. and she could have except she talked shit about me ... how I let my boss treat me bad so it was all my fault. I wanted to kill my boss ... and yet I never raised my voice to her and NO ONE knows the strength it took.

so I just learned everything I could ... and used those skills and got the fuck out. got my record expunged and I was free!

so now .... I look back on what I went through with the kids addiction and how you're treated as a family member. I think about what shitholes rehabs are that cost 60K a month. how many people continue to die. about the doctors. the sacklers ... and yeah i went through it for ten years! what a loser ... but what material. million dollar fucking material.

so yeah people always underestimate me and it does take time with me ... spent 8 years in college getting a 4 year degree ... but yesterday, after having this kind of awakening about what a cunt I called a friend and what a dick this dude is ... how he treated me. put down my writing. and tell people how crazy I am?

something is stirring ... finally ...