i'm so scared

[whorella mundane]

i was so scared when i found out i was pregnant
but the baby's dad was with me
and the whole family rallied around me.
they all got clean and sober for the baby.

they gave me a baby shower ... my mom was living with me.
but there was support. well. the illusion of it.

quickly the family was too busy being clean and sober
to help and of course the baby's dad bailed.

and i think ... it's still baby leo ... and baby lolo.
and my sister isn't here to take care of her.

but this thinking that we kick addicts to the curb ...
well they did that to me when i didn't go to meetings
even though i had a little baby.

i think my mom is about to shut me out.
she's going to nashville for the winter.

so, on some level, i've been through this before
and then, i had no money and no way of getting it.
but i had section 8 housing and welfare.
it wasn't much but it was certain.

i was up against so much ... not having a car.
but the universe, god, whatever you want to call it,
was always good to me. not as good as it/he was to GD
or others but still.

but this seems so much more terrifying.
terrifying. i have nightmares.
aw my sister was in my dream last night.
i was going to meetings and i met some dude
and i was taking a bus to oakland,
where all the hospitals and colleges are,
but i had no bus fair and i was going to meetings
but i felt high and i was worried about the dude,
i was sexually attracted to him and my focus wasn't right.

oh and i had no shoes and my feet were killing me
and there were forgeiners all around.
something about a boat.

i don't know ...

i am no stronger or weaker than when i was in my 20s.
i can't breathe as well but other than that,
i got tired back then. i get tired now. whatever.

and being on the subs ... i have to get off them.
i live in TERROR of the TERROR that happens
when the supply is threatened.

it's like when i can't breathe, i start to panic,
making it worse. it's the same things with subs.

the fear takes on a life of its own ... and yet
i wonder if now is really the time to take that shit on.
i'm going to be worn out for a month or so after it happens.
after i quit. so i think ... well it sucks to be on them,

well actually maybe now is the time.
before leo moves back in.

the thing is, the kid knows he has nowhere else to go.
and i am so afraid of what will happen to him,
and i think i'm more afraid of what will happen to him and lolo,
than they are!

i mean ... how long do i do this?
alice walker says you never give up on your kids.
never give up hope.
if it were any other disease, that would be the line.

i've been accused of KILLING leo and lolo
with my efforts to protect them.
and the accusers, they're not getting robbed by them.
they all sit and talk talk talk

and you will not find ANYTHING on the internet
about how my approach is the only sane one.

when there are record numbers of overdoses,
why doesn't that cause us to pause and THINK?

i understand the heartbreak ... how could your own children
do to you what they do? so in that case, i get it.
it hurts too much to try to help.

and i swear to god, if there was somewhere to send them,
that i believe would really help them,
i would. but instead ... i mean lolo, under threat of arrest,
got high in every rehab they sent her.

and if you show up to support your addict,
they treat you like an f'n criminal.

i'm afraid i don't have it in me to do this.
do what? raise them all over again
only this time they can steal the car and forge checks.

what scares me is how utterly alone i am in it.
and you know ... if this proves me wrong, fine.
fine. but i have to give it my best.

and it's not so hard, really.
GD acts like his wife was so amazing
for taking care of the kids but my mom had 4 kids
by the time she was 22 and a physically abusive husband
and very little money, and this was before
it was okay to get a divorce. and she worked!
she was a girl scout leader and president of the PTA!

she planted flowers. had a garden. i mean my god.

we do what we have to do
and i guess for the kids, i don't know how they judge that.
the theory goes that as long as i'm doing the doing,
they won't be compelled.

look .... all i have is hope. and fear.
alice walker says what you hope for, you also fear.
i don't feel that in this case.

i go from being so scared it's unbearable
so that's when then the strength rises.
not because i'm strong, but because the fear
is unbearable.

how is it not love, to enable?
when they are dying in record numbers?

i'm low on money after wasting tons of it.
i mean i'm looking at food banks. feeding two adults
is a different thing than children.

but has not god always provided?
not my family. but money would come from here and there.

i may fail and end up having to call the police to take my son.
THIS IS WHAT THEY SAY IS THE HIGH ROAD. HOW CAN THAT BE?

and then, no chance, ever again, of regaining any happiness
that is full. yes the mothers of dead addicts ... they go on.
and i would, too. but i would be so diminished.

i can't go down without a fight.
and this sucks. but fine. fine.

i'm up for it dang it! arg!

okay gotta work ... i WILL get STRONG.
i AM strong and i can do it alone. i'll figure it out.
and i'm not really alone ... i do believe
God is with me. and that is no garuntee that
this will work out the way i want.

but i have to try. i can't just ...

i mean they hurt you so much and you want to kill them
and sure, then it's easy to boot them.
but trying to sleep at night ... terrified.
waking up terrified.

i mean at least when he is here, i will know he's safe.
i'll know what he's doing.

i don't know ... he's still my son.
that's all i know. and lolo is still my daughter.

but she's pretty easy ... she doesn't have a job
and isn't all ambitious. she can't find a future.
but crack happens in spurts and then is done.
the H is a different addiction.

but me and lolo always got alone easier
than me and leo because she wasn't my kid.
i was the crazy aunt.

i don't know ... here's what i think.
there's thousands, hundreds of thousands,
of other enablers out there, feeling shamed, weak,
scared, desperate.

watching all your hopes and dreams
so carefully nurtured as you raised them,
all the sacrifices for naught,
it's brutal. brutal. the slow death.

if it were any other disease ... but even then,
people scatter. can't take it. not "all in."

the at-home treatment kit ...
the ride-to-meetings app - although people will be afraid of picking up strange addicts and it's kind of justified but not.

all i know is that i there isn't a single article
about what i'm doing but that it's being done.

it could all blow up in my face.
in fact, how could it not?

i'm just not willing to do the tough love thing.
it doesn't feel like love to me.

now mind you, i'm honestly not judging the others.
i perfectly see why they do it.
the addict hurts you so bad.

i don't know. leo thinks his life is over.
he had his fun. he'll never be popular again.
but his old friends would love to have him back
but some of them are so brutal to him.
fuck them anyway. i mean i get it but ... fine.

i'm so scared ... but with everything in me
and with god as my power, i will nurse leo back to health.

lolo is in much better shape. she still needs a job,
some kind of job training or something.
she'll end up getting married. men love her.

leo will meet another girl, too.
i don't know ... but this non-enabling seems wrong.

no one does it alone. NO ONE.

and they forget. but to me, this feels like an amazing love story.

all i know is the story is a tinderbox
and people will be wigging but so many people
need to know that it's okay to do this.

i mean the people they are exposed to in treatment ...
and then put 12 addicts in a four bedroom house -
2,000 bucks a head per month! and expect them to thrive.

yeah. the 12 steps starts with powerlessness.
we can't do shit about how we got here
but i believe we have the power to change this
but that we have to have faith in more than ourselves
because it feels so all consuming.

anyway ... 1/4 sub today. i'll do this for a few days
and then 1/8 for a week. then 1/8 every other day.
until i'm done. done.

i will never be dependent on a drug again,
no zoloft. nothing. it's horrific.

so thanks for reading and i'm ready.
i'm scared but i'm ready.
and it's all my love bringing me back
from being half-dead ...

it's really a beautiful story
but i just can't "let him go" and wait for him to die
or try to sleep wondering where he is.

now mind you, there are families with little kids
and they can't have the chaos of the addict there.
i get that. but that's not my situation.

so ... okay. okay. okay.