ain't life a grand?
Whorella Mundane
with this girl who thought she was better than me but she was just
stupid but still, i let her continue thinking she was better than me
and she said 'come on, i'll show you the road'
well her road was covered with shit and was made of wood and on this
strange slant and seemed to be a loop. takes you no where. stupid girl.
but i go 'okay let's go then' so she could see how stupid she was. and
i follow her on the road and she makes me wear a leather helmet - like
the old days of football.
and we're on the wooden road and it's all shit-strewn and disgusting
and there's all these strange insects fucking each other! but i mean
they were not keeping to their own breed. like roaches were fucking
maggots and there were all these mutant bugs because of it and they had
people faces. AGH EW GROSS DANG.
so i go on the circle road for a few times and explain to the girl,
"look, you do see this is a circle. we're moving but we're not getting
anywhere' and she wouldn't admit it. so i go 'fine i'm going home to
listen to tunes.'
so she follows me and the tunes are blasting and i'm in my old house on
the boulevard and the rooms are enormous and the trees outside fills
the windows and it's just so excellent and it was dinner time and i was
cooking and tunes sounded so good in the huge rooms and this fucking
girl has the nerve to walk up to me and complain about the tunes.
well. that was it. at first i was a little hurt as i knew it was like
the ultimate insult for some reason but i go 'you think i'm going to
change the music because you said this?' and she didn't answer except
with her face that said "of course" and i go "get the fuck out of here
then."
and she stood there looking at me like she couldn't believe it. how
dare i? HOW DARE I? how dare SHE? she said gordon downie was
self-indulgant. which is like the stupidest thing the critics say when
anyone hits an emotional nerve. they got the idea that art was the
removing, not refining, of the emotions. craft form blah! cyrll
connolly - 70 years ago - said what i've been saying out here. they use
form to cover the lack of content. and ... poetry that is obscure is
stupid and dangerous.
see in a huge way it is how not-unique i am that means i can write.
because i had the same emotional reactions that anyone else has and
there are things that we all kinda react to the same way but i think
about shit so i question these things so that makes me different i
guess but ... i don't know what you want to call intelligence. but i
have ... well i know how i feel about shit, eh?
anyway so yeah what a stupid girl in my dream. still wondering what
part of me was on the shit road. all that after i had what felt like
the greatest day of my life. so much came back to me yesterday. see.
i'm usually happy - i don't go around snapping out on people or
anything. i can be charming and gracious. but yesterday the wind kicked
up and the mercury rose and i felt like everything i saw was ...
communicating with me. it was gordon downie ridiculous. so much so that
i had to bust out laughing and got all defiant and funny and decided
just to be a half hour late when i knew the owner was in town.
oh yeah they want me to make sales calls. i think it's hilarious. well
the thing is, any salesman would hear me talk to clients and comment on
how good i'd be in sales. but i equate "sales" with golfing and having
to sit at dinner with the big boys. the thing is, i can still tell them
to blow me. oh the big wigs swear like mad! so yeah. i'd be one o' the
boys and NO THANKS.
even though this one guy there was always really cool with me and i
don't care if it's an angle. whatever it takes. but they wig me out
like ... the level of bullshit there, yikes. the thing is, i do like
the product i work on. i can see why some users would balk. because
they're a bunch of whiners. the vast majority of the users never need
to call me. everyone has time to give me shit but not learn how to use
the software so i'll say shit like "i understand how busy you are so
how about, instead of spending all this time telling me how busy you
are, you just click some buttons and finish this project? come on
buddy! just give me two minutes and this will be done!
they can't resist for some reason. because i can say it funny. i say
"buddy" like they do on south park and pick up a strange accent. when
the owner asked me if i could start doing some sales stuff i go "i
could create an entire personality to do so" and he was very impressed
and then i go "i'm very good at manipulating people on the phone" and
everyone around's face agreed like 'yeah she is' (because it can be
brutal to do my job)' and yet looked down like 'but that's a harsh way
to put it.'
but what does a therapist do? manipulate you.
what is the job of a parent? to manipulate highly unreasonable beings
who are much smaller than you so you can't pummel them or tell them to
blow you and you love them dearly but you do want to 'set them
straight' but you can't rule teenagers with force so using it on little
kids - well it will either work and they'll never step out of line in
life or question anything, or they'll grow up get busy getting even.
they can always find a way out of the house. and the strongest, the
most promising creative teenagers HAVE to defy. and if all you have is
an iron fist ... you better put bars on the windows.
anyway so yeah. manipulating people. it is another way to say you're
helping them. but oh the manipulating woman! so they were like 'dang
she said it right out' but sales is pure manipulation. am i supposed to
pretend that it's not? but dang you should have seen his face. but come
to think of it, i hushed my tone when i said it. like 'well yeah i'm
good at getting people to do what i want'
but what i want is for them to finish their business as quickly as
possible for their benefit and mine, you know? and the thing is, i
think we have a good product. i think it should be more playfull and
less corporate but whatever. it's quick. it's flexible. you can quote a
project in two minutes. three with a slow machine.
NEW HARDDRIVE ON THE RISE HELL YEAH. and they'll try and mount the bad
drive's data first to see if they can slap it on the new harddrive. i
feel unworthy of such luck for not having a nightly backup given how
easy it is. but i didn't think of getting a .mac account in terms of
paying for a piece of software, but storage space which is ridiculously
overpriced.
anyway so they're going to replace the harddrive and that makes me so
happy oh and yesterday i felt like mary poppins! i just hadn't felt so
... in tune ... with the world in so long. i don't know what this all
means or how it will play out all i know is right now, today and
yesterday and tomorrow - feel "right" in some way that's been missing.
and i guess i saw it but what can you do?
it is exactly like being swept up in a tornado, dropped gently in the
middle class but it's not where you started from. you're not home.
home. and you had nothing to do with that storm. you just happened to
be in its way. it's not fucking string theory. it's not "you create
your world" - there's so much more to it. there is what is regarless of
what you do. like the moment of your death. you have as much control
over that as you had over the moment of your birth. THINK ABOUT IT.
anyway ... how much liquor can me and madge drink? i do get scared to
talk to her sometimes. we have some awkward moments but not when we
drink ... and the leaves - well they've lasted long into oct and the
trees aren't just covered in yellow or red but the leaves are all these
shades, yellow red (makes an orangish pink) and there are trees
everywhere.
i work in the city. an old part of town with big warehouses and lots of
big pitt-ohio trucks and fences and gravel lots but if you lift your
eyes just a little, TREES TO THE SKY. see celebrities come here and
complain that there's nothing to do because there's no celebrity bars.
no bars full on only The Attractive. you gotta rub elbows with The
Average and it's like an affront.
nowhere to go. nothing to do. no where is quite hip enough. and that's
why i love this place. a certain pretense is just silly in this city
and we like it that way. there is the east end where the Attractive
(and/or ethnic) gather and all my friends like it over there. but i've
lived within a three mile radius most of my life and this area ...
everyone i loved, i loved in this small space. so i love it. i don't
know how to explain it other than that.
so of course you love where you're from. got nothing 'gainst that. i
can see avoiding people whom you know think are superior to you. i just
can't see being all pissed off that people dare be inferior to you when
all you judge with are the most superficious qualifiers. if your thighs
touch when you walk. how straight your hair is. how "smart" your
sunglasses are. how superior the fabrics of your garments, your world.
nothing about honor. nothing about love. it's all about restraint.
these are the artists. and i think they profoundly miss the point.
so okay
from yesterday:
today was the best day of my life.
something i haven't felt for so long is coming back.
i swear to god i don't stage this nor do i force it nor did i expect
this.
but the writing life is a tricky bit of business and to me, writing is
just putting into words, the conversation the universe is having with
me. and sometimes the universe is not speaking. so sure i can force it.
i can even write decent things when forcing it but it is so different.
so dull. so contrived compared to the real thing. but it's speaking to
me again and it's tied to the music and i can't let anything get in its
way again even though i didn't try to let anything get in its way.
i just forgot. well i never trusted that anything i felt was real in
some way but most of the time i didn't care but how can a feeling that
captivates you for so long be not-real when it seems to define
everything? am i lovesick? yeah. yeah i am. now i feel this permission
to be this way. from this one song.
i would try telling people that i knew i was waiting for something but
i wasn't sure what. and even though it's stupid of me, i didn't expect
it to come from a tragically hip record even though it has before. and
i know i don't give the rest of the band it's due per se but i know
that gordie doesn't work alone and the music is so good and i do
appreciate it so much but gordie is singing the words and they match
the music so well that its uncanny.
i think there's so much love and playfullness in how he sings the
words. his voice just seems to be reaching for the exact right things
in my opinion. and i'm so glad no one's on this group because i get
pissed when i see people dismiss the new records and there's always
going to be someone doing it and those just happen to be the people who
generally feel the need to dismiss me as well and they'd need two heads
apeice to properly blow me.
anyway so now my brain is on fire - everywhere i look i see god's wink.
and the pain in my body from pushing the car is gone and what a day.
driving to work was otherworldly.
yeah! driving! aw man - my hair keeps falling in my eyes.
oh my hair is so long. jack abbott's mom had hair that went all the way
to the floor.
but mine lays on my lap when i sit. it goes all the way to my butt
crack! and in the shower, when my hair's wet, if i turn my head to fast
it whips around! yeah you could kill me with my hair actually.
anyway back to the magic that whispers and honks - the best day of my
life! it was like being in some commercial and as you move down the
street, everything changes on your behalf and turn signals blink in
rythm of the music and everything moves as if suddenly fluent with
ease. a world of green lights.
i mean i usually have great days compared to most people i think.
i'm always going 'motherfucker' when i drive but i'm kinda funny about
it, it's not pure misery.
and at work, most of my clients are very nice and i talk to people from
all over the dang place and they are so grateful when i tell them what
to do and have them finished in three minutes. i mean some of them are
blown away by how easy it is.
AH HA HA well new my buddy down there, well he really likes me. the
whole group gets along so well now that we're small. well he emailed me
that he saw this message about a missing .dll when he booted up and i
go 'wow that sounds like a bad virus' and it sure was! but when i told
the head technology about it, he never questioned my diagnosis about
that machine or the need for a new harddrive in my mac. but yeah for
him not to question me - oh shit he had to give me his personal credit
card number which scared the shit out of me. i'm just always a suspect
but he trusts me and this guy is a real whippersnapper. me and madge
love him.
but i got to drive home to get an install disk even though it didn't
work but wow ... outside the building, watching the men in their
machines zipping around or being lifted way up in the air to paint. and
they just paint. there is no detail. there's no rolling. there are
paint guns whew hew!
oh me and this one girl from work are going to shoot each other with
paint balls. few things can make me run but pursuing an opponent to
drop a load of yellow on her back seems like a blast. i'd totally be
like 'the A team' or something. but she's getting a real gun and it's a
long story why but i suggested she get a gun with rubber bullets - that
not only legally are you not covered if you shoot and kill an intruder,
but that she couldn't imagine what that would be like to live with. now
sure it's you or him and you bring the hammer back but wow ... that
would be a lot to live with.
i wish god could have spared us the raw materials for gun powder -
which was not created with an intent to harm, but to clear the land for
the railroad! the grandest national project to date. canada had one,
too.
see if men want to kill each other, what are you gonna do? but anything
other than hand to hand combat, i mean swords and horses, seems so weak
to me. all the armor and night vision and the ability to blow the
planet up just seems so fucked up. you can't destroy a person's house
with a sword.
jack abbott thought we were best when we understood the circular nature
of things and kinda just followed our own compass and there was no
right or wrong, only those things with emotion that could not be
denied. compulsion. i mean it's not like the way we see things now
means that people have been able to conquor their compulsions. they
conquor the ones that are merely lukewarm.
well like if you're married and you fall in love with someone else ...
you might have a crush on that person but never feel the need to
express that - especially if they don't return the interest. but
sometimes there's someone you meet that you can not turn away from and
you recognize the same reaction in them and you are compelled to go
forward. it doesn't mean you're weak. it's just easy to resist
temptations that aren't that strong. so to me, you just try to mimize
the damage. i have this gordon downie thing but i never hunted him
down. i mean i had his GD phone number. i didn't 'go after' him like a
prize. my god. the reverence i have for him wouldn't allow it. i have
no right.
but yeah i see all the control we have in the world that means we ended
up with the technology to destroy everything. when you get intense
about controlling yourself, you're going to get hyperintense about
controlling others. this is not rocket science. this seems so obvious
to me that it's maddening when people look at how i think as some
attempt to negate responsibility. i'm simply defining its limits. we
are all responsible for ourselves - but sometimes life makes it
impossible to act responsibly in the strictest terms. sometimes it
means turning from self. well this is assuming that we understand our
responsibilities to others in terms of responsibility to self.
sometimes there is no good choice. there are choices but they all suck.
the english call it 'hobson's choice."
there has to be a higher goal - a compass for your responsibility. your
aims. i just see how easy it is for life to trip you up and think if
people realized that, they'd be a lot more tolerant of each other. and
not be such dicks.
anyway tomorrow i am shipping out my powerbook. for 200 bucks i'll get
a faster 80 gig harddrive and they will try to restore the data but i
don't think they'll have any luck. i mean i couldn't have that kind of
luck. but a guy from work, who lives close but is from london, is going
to give me a login to a .mac account so i can back up my home folders
everynight to my home server and my ipod and this will not happen
again.
oh so this morning, i mean i saw GD everywhere. those two letters. i
mean it was fucking ridiculous. at one point i bust out laughing
because I'm looking at license plate in front of me, something like
GFD-837 and then a car with SGD something pulls up on the right. every
car. like. you're kidding, right? and then ... the finale. a jeep pulls
up and the license plate said "MADGE" AH HA HA i mean i bust out
laughing and the tunes were blasting and the weather was so perfectly
october and sunny but with scattered small gray coulds and large sheets
of thin white clouds and i decided to just walk around the building
instead of going in the normal way. i just felt like ... brand new.
then i decided to walk all the way through the building, to where i
would have normally come in. and suddenly i wanted to talk to everyone.
oh and where i work, in the building next to us, the cork factory,
there are like a million billion construction workers. and us girls
smoking cigarettes, we're the professionals and we think it's hilarous.
they do whistile and shit.
i'm so unmoved. i have that DOWN. not a flinch. no cringing. no
snapping my head back to look at someone like 'you fucking dick' thus
endangering my life.
see ... there was a day where i drew a lot of sexual attention from
men. in fact, that's um ... the bulk of it so to speak, was sexual. no
one suspected i was intelligent. well some of them would hear my jokes
and be like 'you have quite a wit there'
ew and something about fucking me caused this sudden morality attack in
some of them.
there were men i was ready to let ravage me and they would like me so
much and i would be so lickety sweet that they'd go 'i can't do this. i
can't do this to you.' and i was like YES YOU CAN IT'S EASY, I'LL DO
EVERYTHING. DON'T WORRY.
but NOOO. or afterwards, well this one guy goes "you're a really nice
girl. you're nothing like i thought you were" and to this day don't get
it. what people see in me.
see they don't understand when i'm being funny because my jokes are
kinda aggressive or something. but i have a baby face i tell ya!
god damn i wish i could be aunt bee for halloween instead of an
oranged-face oompa loompa.
anyway yeah so i used to draw this kind of attention ... the legs and
the breasts and the hair - i guess from far away i was hot and they
would never back off. i mean ... you men can not imagine what it's like
when you're walking down the street and some guy pulls over, jumps out
of his car and is like 'wow look at you. you have to come with me.'
BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW IF HE'S GOING TO INSIST, OKAY?
it's not pretty. being dragged around and treated like shit the way i
was but it wasn't all bad, eh?
so i'm middle aged now and i think 'are they still fucking with me?'
even though i do everything i can to seem invisible. i wear clothes i
can hide inside. hair i can hide inside. i try to deflect, not draw,
attention. i know i guess that's a contradiction of what i do here but
this isn't about getting attention. the kids don't get it.
anyway. and now - off to work! madge will be here tomorrow. so will leo
and lolo. a full house fer sure. have to get ready for the noogiefest.
oompa loompa ... dear lord.