degrees of wigging

[whorella mundane]

all these funerals ... two more of leo's friends are gone ... the fridge carries the mass cards of the lost addicts ... leo is at work, lolo, sleeping. and yet i'm on the verge of tears and so scared of having no money after having spent foolishly, or was it foolish?

oh the stock market tumbles ... it ain't right that our old-age money is used by cowboys to gamble with. the opposite of a pension. my job is solid, though. and so easy. boring. and i think i'm grateful for that.

of course i'm always thinking i should be doing something other than what i'm doing. always 'i should be writing' and yet, i'm not compelled. what haven't i said and who am i saying it? i mean for the first time, i know gordie isn't reading it. and i have to admit that i haven't dealt with his death. it's so easy to put that off given he wasn't part of my regular life.

i was about to write "so many dreams died with him" but i don't know if that's true. what dreams? that we would be able to hang out when he bowed out? and to think a tumor erased me from his memory, but only the mortal part.

i don't know why i'm writing except i have a new machine and feel guilty for how it sits, unused. not even for paying bills. i think i should sell it. pay some bills or something.

the latest deaths ... well, wick dying in october was one of the saddest since he was around so much. he OD'd a few times in the past year but was brought back, but not this past time. and you bet - it scares the shit out of me. leo is the only one left from all of his old friends who took the wrong drugs.

they get clean. they relapse. they die. at least when my sister was alive, it was pills. good, old, predicatable pills.

and again, i am so grateful that leo is still alive. and once the car is fixed, this time needing a new clutch, we are all going to meetings. because they still clean for awhile and relapse and that is so dangerous.

the flu was here. spent last weekend going to the ER as they didn't test her for it the first time. so they confirmed it was only the flu and her lungs were okay.

they both actually have health care. for now, anyway.

for the first time in my life, i seriously wonder if we are the ones who will see the end of the world. mainly i think it as this is my dream. my illusion.

oh jay-z and beyonce are QUOTING A COURSE IN MIRACLES in their music. how strange that seems to me.

i have no desire to write. this isn't really writing. i could tell you about my dreams. i could tell you how i imagine starting a book. or the many. i think of writing some fantasy book only so i could escape into it and in the meantime, my choosen people, drug addicts, are dying ... and who is going to listen to me?

i could make them listen, i guess. but instead i'm going to make a roast. they meat was bogo. buy one get one free. so that was a deal. carrots. potatoes. broth. onions.

i'm still trying to figure out what is so different about being young and being as i am now. my brother is about to turn 60. jim's been retired for so long ... gordie was retired. and with a ten year old son. and anarchy as always.

at least i'm not really complaining but man ... it's not like my dream died. i can be this age and even older, and still publish. not like a dream of being a rock star or whatever. and i don't have to quit my job and move or anything like that.

but i lost my reader ... i mean when i used to sit and write ... it was to some reader or readers ... someone i thought would think i was funny. people i thought would understand or something. or people i wanted to punish.

i should be making a list of things i'm grateful for. believe me - everyone has money problems so that's nothing new. i won 9 bucks in the lottery! i have a very good, stable job and the company had a record year. the car needs a new clutch and that blows. and from not having a credit card, i have to delay repairs until i save the cash.

oh i was so stupid last year ... really truly ... wait! i need to submit my taxes. that will give me a little money to store away for emergencies.

so right now the car needs a new clutch - seems wierd since it was replaced 50K miles ago. so now we have no car but i have no where to go so that works out.

wow i can't believe i'm doing this ... oh my face has been so hot. maybe 'cause i sleep in front of the fan with the heat turned off. i turn it on. i turn it off. the thermostat doesn't work.

oh dear god ... i'm getting a bonus and raise. got a great job review. and i still think $100,000 would solve all my problems. and yet i have no real problems. i fear them, of course. then i remind myself that i am in god's hands, even when i forget.

still ... i do look forward to seeing the kids involved in recovery even after everything i said about 12 step groups. there's simply no where else to go. i want to see them really come alive. making plans. but then i think that will lead to them leaving me. and i don't know what i'd do without them, even though they can be so hard to deal with.

oh man i'm going to make a roast.