we are not the canada ...

[whorella mundane]

say what you will about GD but first, the entire country claims him as their own and sheds tears when the band does their final concert. "canada's band" and ignore the fact that the only reason the band wasn't as huge in the US as CA was business ... in canada, laws force radios to play canadian content and their label didn't promote them down here.

can't help but wonder if ca would have been so teary-eyed about the final concert if the band would have made it in the us ... and who would have cared? the band would be super-rich and the US fame would have spread and ...

enough. just saying that you gotta love him for following up his living funeral concert by exposing the other canada - the one who brutalizes its first people's. he called the prime minister to task during the final show and i loved him for it but i also kind of cringed.

but oh how you gotta love him ... he announced two concerts and a "secret path" project about resident schools and a child who died after he ran away.

he recorded a solo album about it in the winter of 2013. this is what he wants to be his legacy and i have no idea how sick he is ... but i guess the clock's ticking at a terrifying pace for him.

i never read the tragically hip fan's sites with all of its bits of trivia and stuff about the band and gord until yesterday. and i realized how many light-years away i am from him now and spinning further away each day.

it's done ... and i gotta tell you ... he was the last thing ... that in my head, was mine, to live for. something to look forward to. some magical thing still left. even if it was just an hour with him, he would settle questions. i'd have an ending for this story.

i feel like i wasted what-feels-like my whole life trying to reach him. and i did, i did. and i cheered him on and he cared about me. that was all real. but WOW ... instead of nurturing my writing career, i rambled on out here hoping ... for what? that he would *see* me and we would work together.

i did help him and he so heartfully thanked me ... and he did write me into the music and yet i could never confirm it so instead of feeling good about it, i felt like a crazy person. like some loser clinging on to my last shreds of fame. that's how he um thanked me.

then, after 12 years, he reaches out. and it was great. the few years that followed were the best of my life ... never imagined i could be so happy and it was effortless with tim. i was done with my brutal, futerless job and done with madge, who broke my heart. i still miss her. she is still in nearly all of my dreams!

the other night we were on suncrest street and the neighborhood had been rebuilt with mansions and suddenly the house was worth so much money. i was torn about which room to make my own and was thinking about using her old room, which was so different and had this old school bay wall.

so pretty ... pale yellow instead of pink. and it had a little sink and it was bigger but ... i loved my old room. and while i was thinking about it, and somehow me and madge were looking at the rooms while being outside the house - no walls or ceilings.

and we're standing there and the sky starts changing ... storm clouds rolling in ... amazing, dream clouds forming these amazing shapes and i saw funnel clouds forming and dissipating and swirling and forming and suddenly we felt it and we held on to stair railings ... and i was scared but not - tornados could steal a person but you could live through it. maybe.

and i watched ... and the wind grabbed madge and turned her into a small, orange cylinder and them poof! and she was gone. it made this amazing sound. and suddenly i realized that i wanted to live ... that i couldn't do what she did and just grab something and hope for the best so i ran as fast as i could and was not snatched up by it.

and i walked around ... my old house on the blvd was being reconstructed and it was like this hugely famous thing and every single brick was being marked and saved so it could be perfectly rebuilt.

i wanted to tell someone "hey i used to live there!" but didn't think anyone would believe me. i was just amazed that suddenly suncrest street was worth millions of dollars.

last night i had this dream that i found this nasty-tasting candy that would allow me to move through levels of a kind of computer game that would take you through beautiful scenery. it was life, which is a computer game of sorts in terms of caring for the body.

anyway ... i had just stumbled on to this stuff and i was in my final semester at CMU and had some work left to do even though, as usual, i knew i had already graduated.

anyway in this amusement park/life, i innocently showed someone else the candy and they gave it to others and suddenly it was all like a horrible rap video. everyone was doing it to skip levels in the game.

and i knew it was out of hand because, after some time, the entire game would cease to be what it was and at the end of the dream, there was some investigation and that's when i realized i had college work left to do but was thinking i could get a doctor's note to postpone but ... then i woke up! just in time!

i know what the candy is ... it gave you the energy you needed to skip levels ... to get ahead in the game, which vertically, was a decent.

the candy is this f'n subs ... and when i hear someone is suffering while trying to escape the dragon and somehow, i run out. i have them locked in my closet, the key dangles from the cord attached to my reading glasses.

and of course lolo has been known to steal car keys ... forge checks ... steal money, jewelry, usually in reaction to something i do for leo. the poor kid cries, "i know he's your son and of course you should love him more than me" and she has no mother. no brother. no sister. no father.

and it breaks my heart ... and then there's leo, who thinks i love lolo better as she is the daughter i always wanted.

i've questioned myself ... do i love my own son more than lolo, who was with me constantly since she was 5? it's the last thing i should worry about. is it only natural to love your own flesh and blood more?

it's bullshit ... i take the same shit for helping both of them.

all i know is i need to rewrite my life ... all i know is that there is an incredible power in me to do so. and that it has to happen in my mind first.

but that it has to be in accordance with god's will or there will be no joy. it will not last. but how do i know what that is? well ... it was always done with love. it was always ... i always loved my characters.

but right now my mind is being so twisted by 'the course in miracles' which speaks to me and i have placed my thought system in the hands of One who conquered the world. the symbol of my brother. the Son. who lived in a body but knew he was not the body and the resurrection proved it. that no evil could conquer god's love. the One who released his spirit to all of the separated ones.

the metaphysics of the book are supposed to be so simple but it is so contrary to the ego's thought system and i still invite the holy spirit into my dreams, into my life, constantly. and yet my head is so twisted by it.

all i know is what works for me. i know how to do this.

i am saturated with the voices of doubt and self-hate.
a few nights ago i dreamed i was living with my family and they were throwing me out, screaming at me about how all i have is excuses and i woke up screaming in defense of myself.

this can not be god's will.
god is well-pleased with all of us and it has nothing to do with what the ego does, which is nothing. which is a dream in time. temporary. silly, even.

the book says you should be smiling when looking upon the battlefield of the mind - and you can only do that if you're not judging.

still. there are decisions to be made.
and i can not stand myself ... it's not that i hate my life but it is ... the addictions. the kids ...

so they say i can find peace. that i can be happy despite this.
it's like a death ... your mourn and mourn and it takes years to realize there's nothing you can do about it.

but addiction IS NOT DEATH. it doesn't have to be.
maybe it will be and it certainly is for many
but it all feels wrong.

treatment is an abysmal failure and in the meetings i hear about how people can only survive the halfway houses by having outside support.

there's all these rules and houses fill with liars and thieves - but we do that to them. we make them grovel, steal and lie to get what they need. NEED. we do that.

oh when it's good for big pharma they dole out the scripts but then addicts bloom and suddenly they are shutting everyone off and IT'S NOT FAIR. THEY STARTED IT. THE DOCTORS. THE DRUG DEALERS ARE THE MANUFACTURERS.

and it's funny ... the suboxone literature says that you will become dependent on the drug but that is not addiction. WHAT BULLSHIT ARE YOU KIDDING WHY ISN'T ANYONE ELSE UPSET ABOUT THIS?

okay so the nature of the world is determined by my perception - i love that thought as then it means god does not allow the suffering i see. and yet the book says that jesus is a co-creator with me. that he will limit our miscreations. so my perceptions, thank god, is not me alone. or i can't imagine what a nightmare.

i believe, for whatever reason, that i'm in the middle of this shit storm for a reason. and this goes back to when i was a kid and the anti-drug ads fascinated me. i was, as they say, born into it.

starting a new post as i dig in and let GD go ...