nothing goes quiet

[Whorella Mundane]

when do crimes begin?
the end of diplomacy ...

crimes ... it seems like there's a large variety of crimes committed in the
name of diplomacy but in this context:

the people you want to won't
and the people who do
you don't believe.

but the problem is that it is just not that easy to tell the god damed
difference.

some will but only until things get hard.
some won't at first but then suddenly do
and then don't again and
when you say it seems like they don't want to,
they say you do and tell you all kinds of shit they'll do
and then they don't.

they're just inconsistant.

after awhile, you don't either = the crime doubles.

i think it's because too many people ignore the uncanny when it comes to
love.

i mean love is the ultimate trip into the uncanny valley.
well if you're the one who's too in love. you're grotesque

oh anyway ...

this'll be a long one i guess.
i feel i owe it to you. whoever you are.

what's a wolf wolf, dad?
what's a wolf wolf lover?
i don't know but it's fun to sing!

termite ... you're a wolf wolf lover.

what if you only loved wolves even though you knew ... they would surround
you one night with their eyes narrow and teeth showing? but see we never
fall in love with wolves. we fall in love with the sheepskin they use to get
in our henhouse. by the time they shed it, we've seen sparks of something to
love in them so we still love them. i mean i believe that exists in
everyone. there's something to love about us all.

you know ... even animals have *tastes* and will favor a certain berry or
fish or mate over another. but we call it instinct. i think ... instinct is
more powerful than choice because it determines what you will consider as a
choice. yet instinct can be tough because the gang in the head will produce
a gang of instincts.

what else?

if a song can't save us ... then is it still "less crying more trying?" for
a solution?

are we family, or something to kill and eat?

it's too sad to think about.

gordon downie said it's only natural to want to inhabit every feeling you
got

but ... when you do, you're treated like it's completely unnatural (uncanny)
and you're an inbred crackhead fucknut.

yeah the inbred crackhead fucknet surpassed "cum-guzzling something or
other - oh cum guzzling cum dumpster" on the list of best insults i've seen
aimed at me. i'm sure there were others but i just can't remember them all.
and you know ... over the years ... well when i first showed up out here ...
people came for me like i'd never seen them come for anything except a new
tragically hip record.

so it was okay to completely dog and miss-the-point of trouble at the
henhouse, but for me to write about eating acid and taking a bus to
kennywood - an amusement park - which was the only equivelent we could come
up with for a tragically hip concert -that was bad. and ... god love me and
madge ... both of us wore headphones the whole night. on this massive ferris
wheel. sneak them in our bookbags. oh well.

i wrote about politics and sex and love and they say i'm off topic. on the
tragically hip group? get the fuck

anyway. did you miss me? ew do you miss me and hate yourself for it? are you
secretly anticipating what i write and unable to admit it to your
barely-beating heart? hey i found a copy of an old tragically hip
performance when they still had the sax player who's note to his girlfriend
became the title of "the tragically hip live between us."

anyway ... did you miss me? wasn't it bad enough that i asked once? why not
take it to the Nth Degree.

if only everyone were like old whorella ... well i'll tell you what. if you
were - not a soul would go hungry at night. so say what you will about me,
but i get behind the plow. the other night when my head was pounding and i
thought i'd kill myself if i had to go to work even one more day, i breifly
resented the kids for spending money like mad so i have to make all this
money. but that feeling very rarely surfaces. generally i'm just ... proud.
i take care of them both. i take care of everything around here.

so ...

are we family ... for a few days it hurt so much to listen to that song,
that i just couldn't. i was all like 'taking care of each other one bullet
to another' and again have tears in my eyes ... i mean ... at first i was so
cynical. are we family, like it was a cruel and yet stupid joke. something
to shrug off in a flourish of the grimmest satisfaction.

you know what? i'm so pissed right now just because i wish i could write and
publish and yet not allow the unworthy to read it. and i think right now it
urks me to think there might be people reading who i wish ... i could stop.
but some of you can't even stop yourselves. that is some weird shit. where
is kelley? if i ever go to vancouver like in sept. when neil young does a
concert on vancouver island, i'm gonna look him up. anyway i'm not too
pissed and it's just silly but ...

it still hurts to hope so much for the world
and see so little reason for why you should.

and i think gordie might be with me on that one anyway.
i always loved him for his grimness. and beauty.
not mutually exclusive by any means.
as you damn well know, the truth is not always beautiful.

we are a family, right? you canadians with your unfurled flags and swelled
chests and drunken rudeness in the name of canadian superiority and you shit
all over the music with it and it's not right but anyway ... i also know
some of you are very nice but would never dream of talking to me because you
think that if i'm not afraid of the same things you are, that it means i'm
crazy. i think you're all too scared as opposed to not scared enough. but
then i think if you were scared enough of the right shit and you really saw
it - then you'd get really pissed and you wouldn't be so afraid anymore. and
what do i think you should fear? the same shit that history always shows us
causes massive pain and suffering. greed. concentration of power and wealth.
it's not new to america although you gotta love us for taking it to this
level. but it's not just happening here and i am sorry about that.

too bad the european union didn't get together a few centuries ago and
banned against the colonies instead of beating the fuck out of each other
which allowed america to soar. no one is going to get their shit together
enough to take down history's first hyperpower. it will have to be a natural
disaster. i just can't seem to believe this this can last. well it never
does. that's all i know. capitalism ... sounds so nice but the market
doesn't decide. lawyers and accountants do. so ... i'm going to eat while
there's still food. i'm going to enjoy it all because every day ... i just
always am like 'i could die at any minute!'

if men were angels ... we wouldn't need government. the leviathin is ...
well it suggests there would be complete anarchy if we didn't have a
government although we've yet to see a truly just society lasts for very
long.

war, that's not chaos. rising prison populations. but that's not chaos i
mean imagine if we let them all go! but ... for centuries we had. i just
don't believe suddenly people have gotten worse. economics drive crime and
no one will deal with that fact and it pisses me off. oh it's not that
simple but ... if we want to eliminate crime - we'll never get it all - but
we could cut it way back if the income gap would start shrinking. if people
thought they still had a chance at the whole dream.

economics at the low and high end of it ... if you have nothing, you'll rob.
nothing to lose. but if you have everything, you're gonna lie cheat and
steal to keep it because you have too much to lose. but most people are more
likely to see a thug robbing a clerk on tv or real life than watching
corporate thugs cook the books. that's what so funny about the market. in
some way - it doesn't exist. it's all metrics and as we see, it's easy to
lie about them. it's a fairytale. but when someone steals your stereo, you
want that fucker in jail just for having the nerve to come into your house.

but if it's some dickhead talking about downsizing, people are still willing
to put his penis right in their mouths until they're choking on the fucking
thing, wondering why they can't breathe. and they'll still be trying to
smile. IT'S DISGRACEFUL AND DON'T TELL ME CORPORATE COCKSUCKING DOES NOT
EXIST IN CANADA. with its imperial oil company drilling for oil ... oh
they'll sell it to anyone who will buy it, but it's canadians laying the
pipe. and only the First People seem to organize and fight it.

so for ayn rand ... if there's capitalism, then we're all equal. but
objectism ... just ignores the inequality so clearly demonstrated by the
income gap in this world. i guess i'm glad we still pretend to care about
equality but ...

oh who'm I talkin' to? me and termite and jim! i just imagine people read my
shit ... well this post. like it's long-awaited. i've had the record for
weeks. it never takes this long.

but yeah ... there is a family out here and i'll never be part of it and
everyone will blame me for it. for not just following the rules and being
normal and canadian. the rules about being breif were initially hardware
related but now we all have big pipes and flat fees. i just thought ... i
didn't hurt anyone. me posting didn't mean someone else wouldn't get the
chance. no one had to read it. oh well. i just saw people playing out the
worst kind of behavior you see in america in the name of being better than
america and thought it was really stupid.

but i'm being punished for doing what gordie suggests we do ... be vigilant
about being original. useing it up. letting it all spill out and turning it
upside down.

but be careful about being an original - you might end up the uncanny
valley.

so i just didn't want to hear a whole song that reminded me of my chronic
outsider status and how there is love on the group but just not for me. such
a pretty song, too. it was ... seriously too hard to listen to. but i'm
getting better. it's just so sad it's just a song about the heart of every
sadness in my heart.

here's the scene: you're forming a line up the street for blowing me

only kidding ... it's all just good clean fun!

i'm home. i'm back. hi. sorry it's taken me this long to fall in love with
the record but ... these things take their own time, eh? it might have never
happened. one never knows.

and yet ... the dreaming could all just ... stop. but i thought a lot about
that lately. NO WAY. i'll never let anyone take that from me. not even
gordon downie. no one. i don't care what he does or doesn't do to me. it's
bigger than that. i've always known that and never pretended otherwise. i
don't need him to be who i am but i need to feel what i feel about him. it's
very complicated. well i wouldn't even be who i am if anything was
different so it's a huge part of the sum.

life has taken a lot from me and sometimes gives it back. but ... i'm not
letting anyone get at that part of me. no one. well i mean i let every one i
ever love at that part of me. a lot of people hate me for it. i think
eventually everyone does. not if but when. so fine tonight i'll dance alone
around the fire in my back yard or if other people show up, go to my room. i
don't have a best friend who loves the tragically hip anymore and

jesus see i start crying again. a new tragically hip record always makes me
miss rob so much because ... it just hurts that he's not here for it. and
man we could talk about this shit for hours and hours. i was always begging
him to get down here but just ... i don't know. i never needed him here. he
drove me nuts i mean how do you have a healthy relationship with someone who
is literally losing his mind? but do you abandon them completely? if you
can, you do. if you can't ... you hang on by its eyebrows until it throws
you off.

but yeah i mean i never thought twice about being overly in love and silly
about the music in the old days around madge. could pretend to sing like
gordie and she'd do it and we would just have a blast and that is gone and i
can not tell you how much it hurts to know that's gone and yet ... it's
amazing that i thought it would last.

so i'm okay. i'll take that feeling on whatever terms it offers.
if i must be alone to love this music, i will be.

holy shit that's really sad, dad!

but ... whorella does not complain about being lonely anymore does she? she
doesn't get all teary from the dick, eh fellahs? i don't talk or even think
about sex. i don't look at smut. i actually only beat off if all other means
of putting myself to sleep fails. yeah.

i'm over it. i know i'm supposed to be all ... sad or something. like some
part of me withered away. but i don't feel that way. oh sure sometimes i go
and get some pelligrino water and close the refridgerator door and lean back
against it to open the bottle and get a glimpse at my own titties under a
thin white t-shirt and get all stirred up and wished there was any hope that
some bastard was gonna walk through the kitchen door and grab handfulls of
me and we'd giggle and kiss. what are you gonna do?

try eHarmony? order a soulmate? go to a bar? a party from someone at work?
it's no place for the uncanny. hey! i just decided i'm uncanny.

but termite ... yeah about 15 years ago i started to get the feeling i'd
have to choose between the writing and love. well all i wrote about at first
was how much i wanted to love someone. but something about the writing
seemed to make it seem more and more impossible. but if i had to choose ????

where was the greater love? the writing. i get to love way more people by
doing it in limited doses but on a larger scale. when i love a man it's like
putting a magnifying class on a catepillar.

so then i thought ... no one's ever going to *really* love me and i just
always wanted to stand up for the losers like myself. the unwanted. i wanted
to put the slap-down on the bullies who go around talking about 'well that
person shouldn't complain because we all make choices and she made her bed
and that's that'

because that kind of talk stops when it comes to their shit. we each have
all these rules for how others should act but have huge lists of excemptions
for ourselves. it's fucking amazing that people believe half the shit they
hear.

i told madge yesterday "this predator and prey stuff ... when people start
sucking you dry, you don't have to figure it out, you just have to get the
fuck out.'

and even then, only if you can. sometimes you can. sometimes you have to let
them finish draining the blood from your viens before they move on.

do think if abe lincoln had to conduct his compaign on TV, that this stupid
fuck of a country would elect him to be the president given how wierd he
looked? anyway. do you know they have "flight 93 tours" up in somerset where
the passengers of that hijacked plane overpowered the terrorists? i think
it's gross. like it's a ripley's museum. a flea circus. i mean a monument.

the new record is number 18 on billboard's heatseeker chart for the july
17th issue.
just thought i'd mention that or something. i found a backdoor into the
billboard site so i didn't have to subscribe to check on the record. teehee

gordie likes dust a lot. puzzle dust and dust clinging to the air and comet
dust.
well. okay then. fuck it here's a post. there are nights, i fully admit,
when it's easier to test software than write.

especially when all i think about is work and it becomes intolerable
and yet ... when people want to obliterate civil rights in the name
of civilization - so that any cop can search your car or tap your phone,
the right gets all like "well if you're not doing crime, then why do you
care
if we search your conversations and trunk?"

so like ... yeah. nothing to hide. but at work ... the managers all
need offices with doors so no one can hear them. there's so much
secret shit that goes on and i think 'hey if you have nothing
to hide - if you say you're being honest and based on that, expect
us to trust you - then open the doors! we're all adults, right?

and while you're at it, we have probable fucking cause to search
the payroll records, eh? let's see how badly the company's hurting
for cash AND WHY.

i want to write an editorial about it for a local daily but my god
the ... well i would do it for the fallout. but it wouldn't be deragatory.
but just about how someone who owned a business could be proud
for giving other people jobs and allowing them to lead a good life.

not for some greedy fucking stockholders. the market

yes. the market is number 2 on the list of people, places and things
that need to blow me. god being at the top, of course.

are we family? when it's all "if these songs can't save us then nothing
can?"
admission to the battle is free.
are you blowin' me or what?

HAD TO.
IT WAS RIGHT THERE, DAD! me sorry

I COULD NOT HELP BUT STUFF
A BLOW ME LINE
IN THERE AND IT EVEN RHYMES.
I HAD TO DO IT DEAR GOD I HAD TO.

i didn't show up out here all 'blow me' ... well until people started
expecting me to do the fucking honors.

no right to be here. get out. get out whorella!
honk your horns and drive her out!

never. how's that?

but people killfile me but then i think they get bored
and start reading me and think sometimes they read something
that i think blows them away and they'll never give me credit for it.

humph. well poop then.

oh my god when my head was killing me and i was crying uncontrollably for
feeling so trapped at my job, Tivo was doing it's nightly update and guess
what came on?

the counting crows live.

but not just any counting crows song but "have you seen me lately" which is
about some dame who thought she loved adam duritz and fantasized about
watching his chest rise and fall as he got his first good night's sleep in
her bed and he basically says "well if i'm just some picture you're making
up and you're going to color me in, then do it ya whore. give me your black
skies and blue rain and green eyes and white skin come on give me your white
skin" ...

the first line is "get away from me" ... and i watched ... and i couldn't
fucking believe it. i remembered the days when ... even a member of the
counting crows

well i gotta admit. no one from the tragically hip ever championed me out
here or even acknowledge this forum exists, but matt malley stood up for me
online. yeah that was really nice.

and then i'm sitting there in the living room with my head splitting and
crying about how they just treat me like shit at work and how the
consultants are too good to do 24/7 support but not us dickhead in support
who can do it an entire week a month.

then i see adam and thought about what a hot shot i was back in the day and
what a dick i remain. even when i was a hot shot, i was making 200 bucks a
week. you know kinda struggling. could never afford a car even when i was i
had bonafide cultural clout!

but yeah seeing that video - and then a shrek video that the counting crows
do the song for - i just watched like ... it's just amazing that i used to
be this ... respected voice and am just some dick in support. i sit there
watching the tv like 'okay god just give it to me straight. i'm being
punished for what right now?'

when the invasion of America's complete, are we family? I swear when I first
read the lyrics, I saw "America" in tiny black letters I mean I saw it with
my own eyes. I can still see it in perfect clarity. And yet I looked again,
it's Antartica.

hi ...

it's finally happened. the end of the josephine song ... it's some of the
most beautiful love poetry i've ever read and believe it or not i've read
tons.

but some one offering flickering in your eyes' deepest revenes ... you never
imagine anyone ever wanting to fall so far down into you, you know? blue
green northern lights ... then goodnight goodnight. i guess it's always the
way. i'd walk into your painting and appear as comet dust but i gotta go.
but it's so beautiful i can't even think about it right now or i'll cry.

WHERE IS BEER? i mean as a metaphor for a state-of-mind.

the gang in the head?
let's discuss.

final jeapordy

what is the american word for 'the gang in the head?'
there isn't one, silly!

the gang in the head isn't limited to us or these days. imagine the gang in
god's head: all of us combined and we each have our own gangs and even our
gangs have embedded gangs and it's just endless.

okay this is my second IBE post but don't expect me to start being on topic
now okay-dokey? i'd make you dinner if you were here AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT
MISTER AGH

can you imagine slugging down a six pack with god?

no. that's how you know god blows.

jesus, you could slug down some wine with at least.
you can imagine smoking a joint with jesus.
you image jesus is at least a little cool - well until
they say he went on about returning as god's wrath.

if i had a hammer, i'd nail your ass to a cross in the morning, i'd hammer
you to a cross in the evening and no one would be allowed to eat meat or
listen to the radio.

but god ... you imagine GOD with the hammer and nails, attaching you to a
cross to hang in the hot sun until your arms were dislocated and your lungs
collapse in on themselves ... yeah. oh and you gotta love some god as
presented in the revelations. serioulsy that god can blow me.

and i'm so pissed at the level of brutality
that HE could torture me and no pain
could outscream my indignation ... fucking right.

when aileen escaped the first guy she kills - she just went nuts - so pissed
and in pain, no ties could bind her. so i think about going to hell for
making fun of carla tate all the time and think i'll do just fine down
there. but man the bible ... that is some grim shit. lakes of fire. gnashing
of teeth better not blowme ouch!!

okay seriously what the fuck kind of drugs were they on? do you think that
people - well as soon as they started storing grain - then LSD was born.
seriously go look at it. the witch trials - were they tripping and didn't
know it and it was like a really bad trip because they suck and were scared
so shitless of their own feelings and reactions to women that the rot on the
wheat causes them to start tripping and brought all their fears into
reality? and imagine ... the suffering ... 30,000 women burned.

if they said "admit you sinned against god or go burn in a fire" i'd be like
'hmm ... it would be inconcievable pain as my flesh burns from my bones -
but it will be over in 20 minutes. but staying alive - if you loved god and
really really really loved god and they asked you to admit you betrayed god
but you didn't - how could you live with it when you faced death many years
later? or, how could you die with it? if you had kids ... i don't know.

death is like dating. you gotta get it over with as quickly as possible so
you can move on.

but don't quote me on that.

what the hey's gordon downie doing at a ballroom? i saw flamenco dancers in
madrid and i could totally see him doing that ... i mean when they sing,
they're singing their guts out and doing this mad food stomping with a cane
banging around on the floor and the ceiling and those boots have taps on the
heels and it is amazing. like matadors without their banderas and bulls.

but ... the ballroom ... someone needs to get him out of there! hey
sometimes i want to write about him and fictionalize it and make him rip my
fucking heart out. oh you know i could write it like it happened. jesus i
could haunt that bastard the rest of his life with one book. i don't know if
i can do it to him. but then i think i can not die until i singlehandedly
make the tragically hip famous in america. then i think maybe i'm a dick for
not doing it already.

so when you want to discuss the power of choice ... well like i tried to
explain at this one kid at work - you can be as strong as a million men and
yet we're always faced with more than one choice - i mean that's the very
definition of a decision. having to choose between more than one
possibility. and baby i'm sorry but you can try with your whole heart to do
the right thing and it just busts you open. the power of choice -
will-power - we would have to be omniscient to give it the power we do now.
will-power is not the deciding factor in a lot of shit. what if you just
pick the wrong thing to do?

so ... do you decide to let them tie you to the stake or lie to them all to
hold on to your life? power of choice is defined by the number of choice
there. how about in that situration i said "i choose to go home and stop
this shit now okay bye i'm not a witch yinz are crazy stay off the bread,
dude"

it's funny ... kids envy adults ... can't wait to grow up so they can do
whatever they want. like listen to them bitch and moan and drive them a
million places. one day i asked lolo to do the dishes and she started
wigging and goes "i don't want to" and i go "you think i *want* to drive you
to school every morning during the only part of the day that's mine because
it's such a priveledge to be in your presence?" and she was like 'oh' and
just had never thought about it because i had never bitched about it. just
did it.

do you think 'nashville every night' is about jack gold being on "canadian
idol?" did he ever sing? when i saw a picture of him, i think he had a gold
lamee suit on and looked like a shiny little canadian-idol leprecan!

HEY DON'T STEAL MY THOUGHTS ABOUT THE NEW RECORD SO YOU CAN PRETEND YOU'RE
INTELLIGENT. unless you're nice or at least leave me alone. then ... we can
share ideas. but i always imagined some of the biggest dicks would still see
some of the shit i wrote about the band and be like 'oh that ho really knows
the music' and think about that, will ya?

are we family? and did i just claim i'm intelligent? i'm a dang mensa
member. well i was. i still have my card and could be a mensa member again
by just paying them. anyway. i think i know a few things and was very lucky
to get the kind of education i did but have to admit i was pissed to see
that i had thought of a lot of this shit i learned on my own, but would
never get credit for it but because of it, could give today's-world analysis
of some ancient concepts. yeah that normal people could maybe understand.

i got gordon downie a bullfighting t-shirt at the god damned bullfighting
arena in madrid. it looks like one of the posters. but ballroom ... yeah
gordie is cryptic and sometimes it drives me crazy. and sometimes a line
like

sick as a writer trying to be lighter than uncanny

took a few minutes and then realized ... well. you read all that.

allright well i spent all day on this ... i'm spent

i just downloaded a song called Whorella ... it's by a band named
killenstein

come to me ... my dear love ... deliver your gift ... your sinful touch ...
where are you, whorella? my flesh is screaming for you ... i know you're
here ... in the dark ...

okay well i just made a frozen dinner and am going to try and crack-off
early tonight. i want to work all day tomorrow. nothing but software. get
ready for the big release.

lolo made me watch a disney movie and one of the main character's name is
the name of the product i'm testing and it was really weird ...

okay that should hold you

hey. if you're reading ... thanks ...

[termite]

The CU17 of M30W required "Whorella Mundane" <whor...@hellokitty.com>
to confess in news:hV_Hc.40021$Xq4....@nwrddc02.gnilink.net:

>
> i mean love is the ultimate trip into the uncanny valley.
> well if you're the one who's too in love. you're grotesque

well ... before the troubadors of the 12th century ... was love really all
that established a concept in western culture?

you hear about all these arranged marriages in india and other countries
... totally alien idea to us ... but oddly enough, it often works ... at
least enough to keep the species going ...

we're totally bombarded by this idea from day one in this culture ... the
movies, the pop songs ... everything ... "i was made to love her, build my
world around her, yeah, yeah, yeah ..."

>
> termite ... you're a wolf wolf lover.

god ... "fucks with wolves"

i'm uncanny ... and uncanny people are fated to be with other uncanny
people ... and well, you just don't know what you're going to get, do you?

uncanny ... this is such a great insight you've come up with

>
> you know what? i'm so pissed right now just because i wish i could
> write and publish and yet not allow the unworthy to read it.

yeah, but you know ... the more noise the unworthy make, the more people on
the fence will hear about it ... and you might win some friends

it's just like a usenet post i think ... once you've pushed send ... or
signed the contract and proofed the galleys ... you've just got to let it
go and move on

>
> war, that's not chaos. rising prison populations. but that's not chaos

well, the weird thing about chaos ... any system has a certain stability to
it ... and random things a through n don't seem to change it ... the system
takes the random input ... adjustments are made ... and the whole thing
just goes on roughly as it was, still stable

then random thing o comes ... like a butterfly's wing beating ... and the
whole system topples over and after a period of flux ... it finds a totally
new equilibrium ... new axises to rotate around ... and a new stablity

we're about at l ... i think ... 2 or 3 more shocks and the whole thing
will implode ... and what happens next is anyone's guess

look at the soviet union ... seemingly stable in 1980 ... gone in 1990

we're somewhere in the mid 80s on that scale

and, no, i'm not real sure that the new state is going to be better ... it
could be worse

>
> but yeah ... there is a family out here and i'll never be part of it
> and everyone will blame me for it.

well ... i guess people have to make their own subfamilies then ...

onepercenters or something

well, that's pretentious as hell ... ok, i rode a motorcycle once and i was
scared to death for the 10 miles i had to do it

wasn't even a harley for christ's sake

>
> but i'm being punished for doing what gordie suggests we do ... be
> vigilant about being original. useing it up. letting it all spill out
> and turning it upside down.
>
> but be careful about being an original - you might end up the uncanny
> valley.

yeah, but ... you're not the only one here ... and this is the cool thing
about the internet ... the uncanny can find each other here

this cigarrette i just rolled sucks ... i'll need an art diploma to draw on
it ...

>
> so i just didn't want to hear a whole song that reminded me of my
> chronic outsider status and how there is love on the group but just
> not for me. such a pretty song, too. it was ... seriously too hard to
> listen to. but i'm getting better. it's just so sad it's just a song
> about the heart of every sadness in my heart.

kathy jo, you know it's a beautiful, special song ... it touched me, too

music is funny ... sometimes a song just gets to you, hits you where you
live and love

it's like hootie and the blowfish ... a band that i'm really not all that
fond of ... i thought "hold my hand" was mediocre really ... and so was
"let her cry" ... it was about some girl who was addicted ... and part of
me's going, "oh, this isn't that good a song" ... and after the break up
with my girlfriend i heard it again and cried my eyes out

cause it just hit too close to home ... and i still didn't like the song
that much ... and it was a hit at the time ... i just got so i turned it
off ... i couldn't listen to it anymore

and are we family ... well, it just sums it all up, doesn't it? ... it's
our world ... our human condition ... right there in one song

>
> here's the scene: you're forming a line up the street for blowing me

the whores are going the wrong way down the street ...

>
> but termite ... yeah about 15 years ago i started to get the feeling
> i'd have to choose between the writing and love. well all i wrote
> about at first was how much i wanted to love someone. but something
> about the writing seemed to make it seem more and more impossible. but
> if i had to choose ????

well ... that's what i thought too ... and then i thought ... wait, i could
try to have both

well, maybe not

i don't know ... and then a part of me said ... well, wifey wants to start
a family ... and i haven't done with my life what i thought i would ... and
i don't know if i ever will

and why shouldn't i have that kind of purpose in my life?

but unless you're with someone who's either similar ... or who can accept
that there's this part of you that has to be by yourself at times ... then
they're not going to understand it ...

wifey always thought every damn relationship song ... even the ones i wrote
years ago ... were some kind of commentary on her or my wanting someone
else ... she just couldn't grasp the concept that it was either my past ...
or just something that was in my own world

and it's funny ... the couple of songs i did write about us ... she never
cared about

but it's like ... you've already got this emotional attachment going with
what you're trying to do ... and you're not 100% with the other person
because of it ... and it takes a non-jealous and non-possessive person to
deal with that

and i just couldn't seem to break it off, totally ... and she sensed it and
turned it into ... well, which hottie is this about?

>
> where was the greater love? the writing. i get to love way more people
> by doing it in limited doses but on a larger scale. when i love a man
> it's like putting a magnifying class on a catepillar.

magnifying class? ... hmmmm ... well, some people don't really want to
learn that much ... i know it was a typo, but you managed to say something
really interesting there ...

but yeah ... if there's anything i've figured out about you it's that any
man who's going to be with you is going to have to change his life a lot
... that's asking for a lot ... well, the funny thing is a real
relationship ... a REAL one ... is supposed to change a lot of shit

and people just act like they should be the same as ever only they're
getting laid a lot and have the social standing that coupleness gives them
...

see, i knew getting married was going to change me ... i thought it was
supposed to, you know?

and when she realized that ... wow, one actually has to make changes to
make it work

well, she didn't want to do that

and i guess i'm an intense person to be with too

but, see i don't expect to be the same person all my life

and a lot of men ... well, they're not going to be "pussy-whipped" ... have
the little woman tell them what to do, by god

i was so bitterly disappointed by my 2nd or 3rd year because ... there's a
part of me that really wants to be dominated, in a kind and loving way ...
as long as parts of me, the parts that do the writing and the playing, are
understood to be special territory

i wanted her to wear the pants, and she knew it

and she couldn't ... and i was mad ... but i got over it ... and she didn't
... i managed to adjust to being "in charge" ... and she started sabotaging
everything

see, power relationships ... look, it's inevitable that one person's going
to have the upper hand ... which doesn't make it like there's going to be a
great dictator and an abject slave ... although god knows that happens
enough

and i don't have to tell you that our society practically demands that it's
the man in charge and the little woman following

your problem is you need to be the dominant person ... and my problem is i
don't

and you probably don't like me saying that one person's going to lead and
the other's going to follow ... there's a part of me that doesn't like it
either ... but aren't people made that way? ... think of all the couples
you know ... it might be 51-49 ... and they might even switch ... but it's
the way it seems to go

"well, it's the patriarchy", i can hear someone say ... well, was the
matriarchy that different? ... sure, it might not have been based on force
... more like skinnerian positive reenforcement

but the very words used to describe the societies imply that one sex had
the initiative

but power's always a part of a relationship ... and i'm certainly not ready
for that ... and i've always started out as the weaker one ... and ended up
the stronger one because things forced me into that ... and i just don't
seem to be strong enough ... not to stop an addiction ... not to force
someone to face serious emotional shit ... well, is anyone? ... yet, some
people deal with this shit and make it through

and now i feel like blaming myself again

and i shouldn't ... and part of me just wants to say ... well, i'm a man
damn it and i need a woman who's going to follow me ... and it just doesn't
feel right

because it's not me ... i need someone i can trust with myself ... i'm not
100% together ... i need a guiding hand ... not totally

oh, i don't really know what i need ... i think i just need to stay by
myself and sort it out for awhile

god, this is so intense

when i was staying home and being mr mom and letting her be in charge ... i
was so fucking happy ... and then she fucked it up ... and it had to change

sigh

am i messed up for expecting something like that? ... and no, i'm not
talking about not having to work, hell no, at this stage of my life i
expect it and demand it of myself

but i hate the role i have to play ... and i hate the idea that a
"liberated" man is some kind of wussy who's sensitive and beats drums in
the woods ... i'm sensitive sure, but i reserve the right to claim my inner
bastard when i have to

a lot of men who are willing to change don't understand what the hell they
need ... and no one else seems to, either ... and i've talked to and
respected a lot of radical feminists and agreed ... but none of them had a
clue as to what WE were supposed to do

i'd start a manifesto if i knew what the hell i wanted

well ... i guess i'm "consciousness raising" anyway ...

>
> so then i thought ... no one's ever going to *really* love me and i
> just always wanted to stand up for the losers like myself. the
> unwanted. i wanted to put the slap-down on the bullies who go around
> talking about 'well that person shouldn't complain because we all make
> choices and she made her bed and that's that'

funny how they never hunt down the guy that slept in that bed, isn't it ...
and I FUCKING HATE how they just never once seem to stop and consider what
kind of life the kids are going to live

yeah, if they're so fucking pro-life, where's the compassion for the
living?

they just take all this child raising for granted like it just is some kind
of goddamn hobby women have

they all ought to take a year to take care of the baby ... they'd learn
real fast

it's work ... i know it, i've done it

yeah, the woman's supposed to make all these good choices while the men
just get their dicks wet and get to laugh it off

what shit

>
> because that kind of talk stops when it comes to their shit.

they pay some ho 20 bucks for a quickie in the parking lot and get her
knocked up and never even know about it

and it's just the ho's fault?

no, i don't think so

> well. okay then. fuck it here's a post. there are nights, i fully
> admit, when it's easier to test software than write.
>
> especially when all i think about is work and it becomes intolerable
> and yet ... when people want to obliterate civil rights in the name
> of civilization - so that any cop can search your car or tap your
> phone, the right gets all like "well if you're not doing crime, then
> why do you care
> if we search your conversations and trunk?"

because our time is as valuable as some bastard in a business suit who the
cops blow on a daily basis?

one of the intelligent things that ayn rand said was that if they make so
many things illegal that a person can't help but break a law or two that it
gives the government control over anyone who wants to question it

and there's people on the right ... the REAL right ... who fucking hate
this shit ... libertarians, militia members ... even some old fashioned
goldwater republicans

i respect them more than i respect these lying bastards in the white house
and congress

>
> so like ... yeah. nothing to hide. but at work ... the managers all
> need offices with doors so no one can hear them. there's so much
> secret shit that goes on and i think 'hey if you have nothing
> to hide - if you say you're being honest and based on that, expect
> us to trust you - then open the doors! we're all adults, right?

"everybody's got something to hide cept for me and my monkey"

that's just it ... the people who run the damn system aren't ever going to
be subjected to this shit because the cops and the metric analizers work
for THEM

>
> yes. the market is number 2 on the list of people, places and things
> that need to blow me. god being at the top, of course.

next time you read a long rant about how good the market is, just subsitute
the word god for market

it's all calvinism

>
> no right to be here. get out. get out whorella!
> honk your horns and drive her out!

but you know some of us love you ... and that's what makes it worthwhile

>
> but yeah seeing that video - and then a shrek video that the counting
> crows do the song for - i just watched like ... it's just amazing that
> i used to be this ... respected voice and am just some dick in
> support. i sit there watching the tv like 'okay god just give it to me
> straight. i'm being punished for what right now?'

you're uncanny ... see, you've come up with it ... the next true metaphor
for the outcasts and the rebels

the uncanny

i love it

>
> but some one offering flickering in your eyes' deepest revenes ... you
> never imagine anyone ever wanting to fall so far down into you, you
> know? blue green northern lights ... then goodnight goodnight. i guess
> it's always the way. i'd walk into your painting and appear as comet
> dust but i gotta go. but it's so beautiful i can't even think about it
> right now or i'll cry.

that's another great song, too

i almost wonder if he was thinking about you a bit when he wrote it

>
> WHERE IS BEER? i mean as a metaphor for a state-of-mind.

it's in my hand ... it ain't no metaphor for me

> if i had a hammer, i'd nail your ass to a cross in the morning, i'd
> hammer you to a cross in the evening and no one would be allowed to
> eat meat or listen to the radio.
>
> but god ... you imagine GOD with the hammer and nails, attaching you
> to a cross to hang in the hot sun until your arms were dislocated and
> your lungs collapse in on themselves ... yeah. oh and you gotta love
> some god as presented in the revelations. serioulsy that god can blow
> me.

kathy jo, you're just giving me chills here ...

but most people end up dying in ways that are just as brutal and painful
... my poor father

i'm going to have to post about that some day

oh hell ... i went up to north carolina to see him for the last time ... he
was always a fit and athletic kind of guy ... even a year or so before he
was doing some practice hitting and wowing people because he was hitting
them over the damn fence ... he could have been a major leager, really ...
the phillies wanted him ... so at 69, he's still hitting homers

and at 70 he gets lung cancer ... god this sucks so much ... his mother
smoked and lived to 78 and he smokes one fucking day in his life as a kid
and got sick and swore off

and gets it anyway

and by the time i see him ... he's looking so small and weak in his bed ...
and it's just all beat him up to the point where he's given up ... he was
never a man to give up on anything ... but he was licked and knew it ...
and i knew he was going to die in that bed

we had to carry him to the bathroom ... my print shop brother kept telling
him when he tried to get up by himself ... pride, you know ... "now, my
father would tell you not to do that" ... we teased him about his baldness
from the chemo, of course ... you know, irish families do shit like that
... just ragging on him about this and that ... just trying to keep a
little humor in the situation, you know

some franciscan monk who worked at the hospital came by everyday and gave
him communion ... he was kind of giving me eyes you know ... gotta wonder
about that ... i wonder what it's like in the winter wearing that robe with
a rope and sandals ... shit ...

and his dentist came by ... and just about made me cringe with all his talk
about how he was going to get better and lick this thing ... and dad says,
"it's terminal, fred" ... well, they don't always know and you never know,
blah, blah, blah ... i just wanted to tell him to shut up but i didn't ...
it was like he needed to tell himself all this shit because he didn't want
to face what was really going on

oh, yeah, sometimes one of the doctors would come in and they'd make me
leave the room while printshop brother stayed ... that was insulting, like
i'm 10 years older than him and can't face the situation? ... bullshit

they thought i was like my sister who was in real denial over it ... oh,
he'll get better ... well, actually, everyone else thought he was going to
make it for a few more months and me and my mother ... well, we just knew
... she's a depression farmgirl and i've knocked around enough ... well,
there's just some shit you can't bullshit yourself about and this was some
of it ... and that's one trait i got from my mother ... just this kind of
hardness that makes you carry on ...

i know it was really hard on her but she held up really well

well, it was a very bittersweet time ... i got to stay in their house for
the first time ... drank guinness and bailey's ... talked a lot

one time i was alone with him in the room ... i'd just gotten my house for
my family ... and he said, "well, i don't think i'm ever going to see your
house now"

and i just said, "no, i don't expect you will"

and the last day, he said, "i'll see you again" in a real emphatic voice
... and we both knew he wasn't talking about earth

and i had a choice between leaving with my mother or my brothers an hour
later ... and i didn't want to be with my brothers ... nothing against them

but i knew when i walked out of there that was the last time i was going to
see him here

god, that was so hard to do ... i was all choked up on the way home,
couldn't even talk for awhile

and so i flew home ... and called him monday ... he'd been watching a ball
game and stuff ... teasing the nurses a little ... nothing radical, of
course, just bantering

and he slipped into a coma that night ... and my mom called me from the
room and had me say a few words because he might understand me, even in a
coma

and i called the hospital room the next day and there wasn't any answer and
so i called my mom's house and she answered and i said, "well, i guess you
don't have very good news for me"

and that was it

i'd already taken a week off work and couldn't go down to the north
carolina funeral ... pity, because my crazy aunt rosie came up from florida
and spent the whole three days drinking and telling stories on him ... a
real old fashioned irish wake

but they cremated him and flew him up here to be buried in lansing and i
took my funeral leave for that

oh, i don't know why i'm getting into all this ... but DYING SUCKS ...
yeah, we're all getting crucified by this damn setup

and you blame god and i blame the world and we're both miserable about it
because it's gonna happen anyway

it sucks

>
> death is like dating. you gotta get it over with as quickly as
> possible so you can move on.
>
> but don't quote me on that.

why not? ... you know ... i should really hop skip and jump over all your
posts and get a little collection of your pithy little sayings so you can
see them

you'd be amazed

>
> so ... do you decide to let them tie you to the stake or lie to them
> all to hold on to your life? power of choice is defined by the number
> of choice there. how about in that situration i said "i choose to go
> home and stop this shit now okay bye i'm not a witch yinz are crazy
> stay off the bread, dude"

"burn the witch!!"

but yeah ... all those choices ... like i told you, it's a three card monte
deal

where's the little lady?

oh god, it's almost three ... i just seem to have this emotional need to
keep typing

i'm really glad you posted about the new record because it was even more
than i was expecting from you

uncanny valley ... damn

oh, i'm going to be way short on sleep this weekend

and i'm in an intense frame ... but not depressed ... no, not at all

i took sarah to the library and then barnes and noble ... and then we went
home and ate and she wanted to go to the park so we did

and she's going to be up at 8 or 9 and i'm half drunk ... 3 beers is half
drunk for me ... and i'll have to be up at 8 or 9

i'll be a rank burnout at work sunday night ... they deserve that

and other people in the apartment across the way are still knocking on
doors

i think they're up to something, they have a lot of people by, some in cabs

ah, what do i care?

well, bye, and thanks for making me think so much ...

[Whorella Mundane]

this post contains a complete and perfect understand of love so you'll wanna
see that!

ISN'T THE UNCANNY VALLEY THE COOLEST FUCKING THING? i'm glad you liked it,
termite.

and it's so perfect because of course a GD lyric would lead me down that
road ... oh what i've learned by trying to understand his lyrics. and i try
and understand because ... i trust him. i want to know what he thinks. but
yeah ... it's like 'uncanny valley' joke day around here. i told everyone
about it.

oh my god the implications are huge! i read the entire entomology ...
anything that augers is uncanny.

yes.more on that ... but ... termite ... here's what i think about love: you
enjoy it fully for as long as you can, knowing you'll never be able to
predict what will happen but at some point, it is going to hurt.

well ... i was thinking ... not all people are tempted in the same ways.
when does desire recognize itself? why do creatures in the uncanny valley
have some dark sexual allure or is it the allure that puts you there? a
negative reaction seems to be much more powerful than a positive one.
gripping ... but anyway ... arg where was i going with the temptation thing?

here's the tricky part of me ... men always think i want to be the dominant
one ... and they are counting on that when they hook up with me. something
about my maternal nature coupled with my arrogance i guess, but i think
everyone has a part of them that wants to be controlled by something else
because we all secretly know we can't *really* control ourselves. but if you
can be honest with yourself, admit your limitations, you know when to give
power most efficiently. in the art of war, as in love, it is learning to use
your weaknesses that is as important as managing your strengths.

so to me ... perfect love ... is two beings who are simply not competing

a kind of perfect uncanny trust. can't explain where it comes from. oh there
would still be annoyances but if you vowed to never let the sun set with any
unresolved riffs that keep you apart - you gotta know there will be
sleepless nights. i don't know. i'm talking perfect shit. but i believe this
is all what i could give. and i'm a dick but i want back what i give - not
entirely, but some measure, you know?

but termite ... you'd think i was all dominating as i'm the man of the house
but i'm not and this is why men hate me. they want it from me. but then it
demands the power lines.

so even though men see me doing mad amounts of things to please them, driven
entirely by that, they don't re-evaluate who i am when i'm in love versus
who i am when i'm not and in some way, i am two entirely different beasts.
and they fall in love with the strong one ... but love makes me weak.

and no one ever .. survived that paradox. but i thought it was so perfectly
natural and beautiful. people think it's sick and weak. i don't mean to do
it on purpose but let me tell you what the ultimate test of character is for
any lover:

give him power over you ... and it's not like something you just decide to
do more about something you don't do which is stop that swell from its first
bubble. if he truly has power over you ... you are in essence, powerless.
fully and completely. love ... and the one thing you need to make love work
is to be able to choose your lover wisely but it's the area you have the
least control over.

but yeah i'm bad and so entirely willing to take a man's shit and apologize
and say i'll change and beg them to understand and stay and i'll try harder
and i do and then something else is wrong.

no one can take it when i drop *that* in their laps yet i am the funnest
dame, ever. because ... i'll give him the power but at first 'cause i'm a
stupid whore ... normally, i make him fight me for it whew hew but they
don't realize i want to lose and the problem is that i end up being better
at it than he and then i keep winning and don't want to and they hate me.

it's like having your sister beat up the bully to save you. the more i try
and impress, the more i seem to wear a man down. disappointing me gets them
down but i'm not really even disappointed.

but yeah i think me count on me to control them. the men in my youth hooked
up with me because i was some hard-drinking titty-showing mud wrestling girl
who was not shy in the sheets! now they see me as mrs. responsible ... no
one wants to rescue me but to be rescued and i liked it better the other
way.

i will not do the stupid shit you're supposed to in order to control your
man.

well i know the difference between and a child and a lover.
and i expect a lover to return what he takes - a child can't.

i don't think you can really control anyone termite. you can reward them or
punish them so you can control them while you're in the room with them, but
other than that - we are going to do what we are compelled to do and it is
not always going to be pretty. and that doesn't mean what we are compelled
to do is always degenerate. it will also be beautiful and brave at times.

christ we can't even control ourselves - i mean we can about some things. we
have to behave as if each decision counts when ... it's laughable and yet
what drives your decisions is the quality of your heart so in that, they are
very important. the manual of your life.

i still believe ... that sometimes people meet who are emotionally ... the
same. so they understand each other in this really core way. when two beings
are that close, the balance of power doesn't have to shift very far, you
know? the further apart you are, the bigger the swings.

either way i still believe only fate can provide the circumstances required.
and you just never know ... what will happen.

oh i have a theory of perfect love and how it works but have yet to build
the protype as i can't find all the right parts. or indeed maybe they have
yet to find me or maybe they never will and i can maintain a perfect theory
of love that is impossible to have and yet impossible to not long for with
your every moon-misty breath ... maybe this idea of mine is unfair to us
earthbound poets.

but i know it exists ... because i exist.

HOW'S THAT?

there she is, miss uncannyvalley,

seriously: ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. (AP) -- Miss Virginia Nicole Johnson, a
24-year-old diabetic who wears an insulin pump on her hip, was crowned Miss
America 1999 on Saturday.

if it was a colostomy bag, do you think she'd won?
if we'd have seen the pump on her hip ... i don't know.

anyway ... yeah. uncanny ... i can not believe the semioticians did not beat
the fuck out of this word. i was in college, full-time, for almost 8 years.
one semester shy. they never brought it up.

they called it genius ... and they said i had it.

my first writing class, my teacher asked us to write our goals. mine was:

to find out if i'm as good of a writer as i think i am.

then in chatham college i wrote "to be a brilliant famous writer so i can
drink all day."

so i would be just amazed by what i wrote but just was never sure if anyone
else would be and i'm still not sure but i spent a long time in college and
the press being told how brilliant i was and now i'm treated like the worst
kind of sub-ordinate.

oh for the record, i think i am brilliant. it is a wonder to live in my
head. sometimes i feel sorry for the whole world for not getting to see and
feel and hear what i do. but then i think, well if you are all so powerful
and shit, just turn yourselves into poet. yes. will yourself into increasing
your IQ. take smart drugs - i mean what a sign that you are stupid really
taking smart drugs.

speed is a smart drug. well it will bring a focus ... sorry.

oh enough. i think the world needs me. and yet hates me.
and it scares me it really does. but i think that life
showed me a very strange selection of things to mold
my perspective in such a way that i got to live through
all this shit caused by political decisions and human arrogance,
and then learn about how it happened to me in college

so ... yes i'm what they all said was the rare combination of someone who
had a story to tell and the talent to tell it. sooo talented.

i felt like a whore ... when i tried to write like the other poets. why
couldn't i be funny?

my teacher even said "this isn't stand up comedy" ... when people laughed
when i read.

and i thought "jesus i'm not even *allowed* to be funny"

and it hurt. i was talented but unworthy of it.

when they wanted me to "tone it down" ... oh that's all i ever heard. they
wanted to rip the narrative right from my mouth ... they did! at the paper,
near the end, i was not allowed to write in the first person except my
column. even in poetry they would be all "show don't tell" but telling is a
form of showing while writing in the first person and ... oh sure there are
always a few lines i could have lost here and there but it was ridiculous. i
wanted to be INTENSE ... because i loved reading intense things. to me

intense = powerful

anyway ... there was one guy out here who said that although sometimes i
went over the top with my shit, that it still beat those who were lame.

back to love

refer to "my music at work" ... balancing beyond the throes of [loving]...

i think the power in the relationship should be like sex and all people with
fetishes have done is direct all this energy in one direction so it gets
all-encompassing ... but i think the best sex and the best love is about a
vacillation ... the sine wave ... one moment kinda going crazy in such a way
that renders him helpless and he loves that but then regains his senses and
then it reverses.

and me and madge were talking ... just how strange it was that people went
on and on as hunters and gatherers and then one day decided to stay in one
place. very strange. but that from then on, property had to be defined

oh and love ... is not the same as marriage. i mean you know that but i mean
even the need for marriage. if two people in a tribe met and fell in love
... nothing could keep those two apart. they'd be sneaking off in every bush
to explore and love each other. can't take the pain of being apart. whatever
love is ... whatever the attraction is ... that doesn't need any
interference to be successful.

and babies don't need a judge to be born. but when agriculture began ...
people started drawing lines around what god had given us all by right of
birth. and then all kinds of stupid shit happened because the lines had to
constantly move ... MORE MORE MORE ... in the name of god, now just in the
name of money.

but no one minds a kind ruler ... leave the worrying about him to me,
josephine ...

this makes me very sad ... but love ... ee cummings loved ... it goes as far
back as we do ... when your eyes take hold of your body and you can't get
that face out of your head and would rather die than be separated. oh how we
do love ... we really do.

but yeah the power ... all i know is ... with timmy ... we fought about shit
but ... he had convinced me, entirely, that he loved me. i'm not saying it
was easy and him fucking up along the way to the point of adjoining jail
cells was some shit - but crisis do bind - but ... i believed him. well he
always talked shit about how he could control me. i always knew it was a
stupid thing for him to take credit for.

i gave. there's a god damed difference.

i think whenever you're the one loving less, then you're the possessive and
jealous one. that a person isn't nonpossessive or one of these types that
never get jealous, or not. that it's not your character, but the
circumstance. you could have all the power and something happens to cripple
you with need and then it changes.

well gordon downie ... in 'heaven is a better place today' ... he says he's
not the type to dwell and he's a fast healer ... but in "nautical disaster"
... he's singing about the first time he couldn't just get up and go away.
not a fast healer. and the song, in the beginning lines, expresses that
uncertainty that depending on the injury, you just don't know if you'll heal
fast or not.

someone with power over you - a ruler - if you don't abuse your power. if
you are benevolent despite the fact that you don't have to be ... i don't
know. that's the kind of mom i try and be.

so ... even the conflict that can up when one person needs some distance ...
there are times we all need that and there are times we need someone to be
with us. it's not me that's complicated and contradictory. it's life in
general.

i never wanted to be alone and it drove bruce mad. but i loved to ... be
around him. he expected me to want all kinds of time alone being as how i'm
a write. but i've learned to do it with a million people around me. i like
it. sometimes it drives me nuts. but ... i knew when he needed to be alone
he specifically needed to be away from me and it was ...

well i knew it meant he didn't feel comfortable in front of me and ... i
didn't understand that. and then when i'd even say anything, we'd take a
little issue like that and then he'd blow up and be so mean about it that
verified the fear about why the way he needed to be alone scared me. it
wasn't that he had to do what i said but ... i was in spain all alone ... oh
man. wow. that was amazingly tough terrain for a new romance.

gotta love me for trying whew hew!!

but ... some men, when they get mean, i know it's stupid and just flash
back. but bruce took that shit to another level ... his face changed and big
horns grew from his head. blood dripped from his teeth. yeah i knew i was in
trouble but then he'd be so nice after and it was just too confusing to
figure it out. all i knew is i wanted to be with him. i *needed* it.

rob's death ... oh man. sorry. okay.

all i knew was that i had a chance to love someone and that ... doesn't seem
to happen to a girl like me but then again it kinda does. yeah i don't know.
i'm an idiot. i try too hard to please.

on several occasions, i've been so nice to men who would sit in my kitchen
with tears in there eyes and say "i don't deserver to be treated this well"
... they couldn't take it. the nicer i was, the worse they felt about
themselves. but ... i can't help it. i don't want to.

"termite" <ter...@chartermi.net> wrote in message
news:Xns95231DC7B5E24t...@216.168.3.44...

it's a tough call ... i've seen enough welfare mothers use that money
for fingernails and pagers and the stupidest shit and those kids ...

well it never trickles down to them.

but i also believe most women want to be good mothers
and if they thought someone gave a shit about that,
or saw that and helped it grow ...

but even if only 60% of the people who use those programs
do so in order to care for their kids and the rest don't,
well ... everyone deserves a god damned chance.

several, even. endless ... even.

> you're uncanny ... see, you've come up with it ... the next true metaphor
> for the outcasts and the rebels
>
> the uncanny
>
> i love it
>
>

gordon downie came up with it ... i honestly didn't know what he was talking
about. uncanny? then i read all this wild "west world" shit and frued for
the love of god.

> >
> > but some one offering flickering in your eyes' deepest revenes ... you
> > never imagine anyone ever wanting to fall so far down into you, you
> > know? blue green northern lights ... then goodnight goodnight. i guess
> > it's always the way. i'd walk into your painting and appear as comet
> > dust but i gotta go. but it's so beautiful i can't even think about it
> > right now or i'll cry.
>
> that's another great song, too
>
> i almost wonder if he was thinking about you a bit when he wrote it
>

i never had a cell phone except for work and i don't think i was ever
smiling while using it. as much as i feel him here while i'm planning the
day ... i don't drink coffee, either.

you know what is insane to admit? that ... the last record ... a beautiful
thing was ... a conversation we had and the darkest one ... i'm always like
"i don't want to complain" and then complain for fifty pages.

leave ... i always thought i was his bird's eye view ... this is why this
story has to be fiction but i do have a compelling case. but "josephine" and
i got that kathy jo thing going on but that song sounds like it's about ...
some sweet young girl ...

surrounded by friends? no ... but that painting metaphor ...

anyway i was scared for this record because i still think i'm a dick for
thinking that. i mean gordie has people in his life that do the work every
day to care about him and ... to whom his heart is tied. and it's so
brutally presumptuous of me to think ... i'd have so much real estate in his
mind. so selfish.

and yet ... there have been a bunch of songs that just ... so strongly
suggested ... that i did. and i fight it each time. but some songs ... a
beautiful thing ... it was ... too close.

so i was scared that i wouldn't think the songs were as redeeming and
perfect and inspiring if i didn't feel that he was trying to nurture and
preserve my faith in me.

but new orleans is beat ... it's a song you know you heard before you got
here. it's so beautiful and sad that i can't even take it. and i know it has
nothing to me because i can't imagine any part of him ever seeming beat.

> >
> > WHERE IS BEER? i mean as a metaphor for a state-of-mind.
>
> it's in my hand ... it ain't no metaphor for me
>
>
> > if i had a hammer, i'd nail your ass to a cross in the morning, i'd
> > hammer you to a cross in the evening and no one would be allowed to
> > eat meat or listen to the radio.
> >

i just made myself laugh! well i heard gordie singing that
song on a peacesongs record and thought about jesus
and the irony ... whew hew!

> > but god ... you imagine GOD with the hammer and nails, attaching you
> > to a cross to hang in the hot sun until your arms were dislocated and
> > your lungs collapse in on themselves ... yeah. oh and you gotta love
> > some god as presented in the revelations. serioulsy that god can blow
> > me.
>
> kathy jo, you're just giving me chills here ...
>
> but most people end up dying in ways that are just as brutal and painful

> ... my poor father
>
yeah ... that's where god fucked up death.

if he didn't expect pain on the other side,
he should have shown some mercy on this side.

> i'm going to have to post about that some day
>
> oh hell ... i went up to north carolina to see him for the last time ...
he
> was always a fit and athletic kind of guy ... even a year or so before he
> was doing some practice hitting and wowing people because he was hitting
> them over the damn fence ... he could have been a major leager, really ...
> the phillies wanted him ... so at 69, he's still hitting homers
>
> and at 70 he gets lung cancer ... god this sucks so much ... his mother
> smoked and lived to 78 and he smokes one fucking day in his life as a kid
> and got sick and swore off
>
> and gets it anyway
>

that's all i'm saying. and what's troubling is that if he had smoked,
people would be inclined to think he had it coming.
it's brutal.

> and you blame god and i blame the world and we're both miserable about it
> because it's gonna happen anyway
>
> it sucks
>
>
>
> >
> > death is like dating. you gotta get it over with as quickly as
> > possible so you can move on.
> >
> > but don't quote me on that.
>
> why not? ... you know ... i should really hop skip and jump over all your
> posts and get a little collection of your pithy little sayings so you can
> see them
>
> you'd be amazed
>

okay! i'd like to amaze myself ... sometimes i do.

but ... i think pain sucks. death is ... unimaginable.
but pain, we understand. pain ...

shit i didn't test software and haven't eaten all day.

i planted more flowers. well some don't grow
and i have to fill in the bald spots.

found a dead mole in the yard.
lolo threw it over the hill.

gordon downie killed it.
didn't eat it, though.

killing in the animal kingdom is sometimes just about not being eaten
instead of just eating and sometimes it's just practice. or sport ... who
knows?

i can't proofread i have to test software no shit yikes!

thanks for reading about what i think!

[termite]

The CU17 of M30W required "Whorella Mundane" <whor...@hellokitty.com>

to confess in news:qGkIc.42848$6e7...@nwrddc03.gnilink.net:

> this post contains a complete and perfect understand of love so you'll
> wanna see that!
>
> ISN'T THE UNCANNY VALLEY THE COOLEST FUCKING THING? i'm glad you liked
> it, termite.

i love it ... i don't even think we've scratched the surface of what this
implies ... one odd contradiction i see ... is what about the people who
dye their hair blue, green, pink ... get nose rings ... you know all that
... is that an attempt at uncanniness? ... or an attempt at being so
outlandish that their uncanniness, which they fear and fear people seeing
it, won't be noticed?

>
> yes.more on that ... but ... termite ... here's what i think about
> love: you enjoy it fully for as long as you can, knowing you'll never
> be able to predict what will happen but at some point, it is going to
> hurt.

(cue nazareth record)

i don't think people in the valley have some kind of special allure
because they're there ... some do, of course ... but it's only natural for
people to be attracted to one another if they have something in common ...
like the valley

it's a lot easier for the normal to read each other than it is for the
uncanny to

and the having special abilities is more important perhaps than the
inability to simulate normality ... although they're intertwined

>
> here's the tricky part of me ... men always think i want to be the
> dominant one ... and they are counting on that when they hook up with
> me. something about my maternal nature coupled with my arrogance i
> guess,

well, you know how strong you appear as whorella ... even when you're
vunerable and doubtful about yourself here, just admitting it takes
strength ... whorella is a similacrum of certain aspects of you. but it's
one of such depth and complexity and power ... well, the person
responsible for it, kathy jo, has got to have a lot of that just to pull
it off

you appear like a dominent person here ... and i have a hard time
believing that you're not that in real life, too

> but i think everyone has a part of them that wants to be
> controlled by something else because we all secretly know we can't
> *really* control ourselves.

sigh ... that's one of the harder lessons you've been teaching me ... i'm
still struggling with that, too ... it goes against the grain of
everything i was taught to believe about myself ... not just by
traditional society and my family ... but even by ... say some of the
enlightenment movement gurus ... i was glancing at the travel section of
yesterday's newspaper and there was this article by some reporter in india
who decided to take time off from the hard news and spend time at a yoga
camp ... and the guru gives her the old saying about the mind being a
monkey jumping from tree to tree and you have to put it on a leash

and you seem to be saying that we can't do it ... which is why people look
for gurus to begin with, isn't it?

> but if you can be honest with yourself,
> admit your limitations, you know when to give power most efficiently.
> in the art of war, as in love, it is learning to use your weaknesses
> that is as important as managing your strengths.

i've always been pretty good at knowing my strengths and limitations ...
where i fail is recognizing what other people's strengths and limitations
are ... and that's gotten me into a lot of trouble in my life ... i gave
power to people who used it destructively ... and getting it back when
you've already given it is really really hard

>
> so to me ... perfect love ... is two beings who are simply not
> competing

yeah ... and i suck at competing ... one of the things that always went on
in my mind ... with my girlfriend and my wife ... "i never win ... she
never lets me win ... not once"

there's something about me kathy ... that just surrenders to people ...
and the only way i ever overcome it is when i get pushed way too hard and
become a bastard to deal with it ... and then i lose because i'm a bastard

and the people i needed gentility from ... only pretended ... they were
actually ruthless with me ... my girlfriend was ruthless because of her
addictions ... my wife ... jesus, she's just about the most ruthless
person i've ever met ... there's something so calculating about her

i can't believe it took me so long to see this

>
> a kind of perfect uncanny trust. can't explain where it comes from. oh
> there would still be annoyances but if you vowed to never let the sun
> set with any unresolved riffs that keep you apart

"never go to bed angry" ... and that takes a lot of tolerance and love

> i believe this is all what i could give. and i'm a dick but
> i want back what i give - not entirely, but some measure, you know?

a person's really got to make a real commitment with that to do it, though
... and a lot of people fake it

>
> but termite ... you'd think i was all dominating as i'm the man of the
> house but i'm not and this is why men hate me. they want it from me.
> but then it demands the power lines.
>
> so even though men see me doing mad amounts of things to please them,
> driven entirely by that, they don't re-evaluate who i am when i'm in
> love versus who i am when i'm not and in some way, i am two entirely
> different beasts. and they fall in love with the strong one ... but
> love makes me weak.

i don't think you're thinking this through real well, here ... it doesn't
sound right to me ... it sounds to me that once you figure out that
they're not going to follow you into the relationship you want, you try to
control and manipulate them by "doing mad amounts of things to please
them" ... you try to control them by being "weak" when strength doesn't
work

and men ... they often pretend to be submissive ... or agreeable ... and
once they get what they want ... which would be living with you ... then
they turn it around and start trying to change you into what they want

and you try even harder to please them

>
> and no one ever .. survived that paradox. but i thought it was so
> perfectly natural and beautiful. people think it's sick and weak.

but were you really being yourself?

i know i'm kind of being oppositional here ... i just sense there's more
going on here then you've said

> i
> don't mean to do it on purpose but let me tell you what the ultimate
> test of character is for any lover:
>
> give him power over you

yeah ... and boy, oh, boy, did i learn something from that with my wife
... i was just getting out of the hospital ... feeling down and very
vunerable ... i wasn't even out of my hospital bed for christ's sake when
she started nagging me about quitting my job ... "it's killing you" ...
well, no, actually it was poor diet or something ... i even cried and said
that it wasn't fair, i wasn't even out of my sick bed and she was
pressuring me

but i was weak then ... and i was cut to part-time ... and i felt lost and
burned-out and didn't know what to do

i quit my job and totally surrendered ... and i'm beginning to realize
just how badly i was manipulated ... she saw the weakness ... and was
ruthless in taking advantage of it

>
> but yeah i'm bad and so entirely willing to take a man's shit and
> apologize and say i'll change and beg them to understand and stay and
> i'll try harder and i do and then something else is wrong.

can't you just call them on their shit? ... um, not that it's worked out
real well for me ... you remember what happened the last time i did that
with wifey

actually, come to think of it, it's probably the best thing that could
have happened

>
> no one can take it when i drop *that* in their laps yet i am the
> funnest dame, ever. because ... i'll give him the power but at first
> 'cause i'm a stupid whore ... normally, i make him fight me for it
> whew hew but they don't realize i want to lose and the problem is that
> i end up being better at it than he and then i keep winning and don't
> want to and they hate me.

well, of course you're better at it ... you're smarter, stronger and
deeper than most people

this is a lesson we both need to learn ... that we have to be who we are
in our next relationship, if we're having one

and, yeah, i'm not sure i can do that right now so i'm not having a
relationship right now ... i need time

and i'm real tired of going fast ... i want to go slow ... no more knowing
someone for a week and asking them to marry me

>
> but yeah i think me count on me to control them. the men in my youth
> hooked up with me because i was some hard-drinking titty-showing mud
> wrestling girl who was not shy in the sheets! now they see me as mrs.
> responsible ... no one wants to rescue me but to be rescued and i
> liked it better the other way.

we don't need rescuing, do we?

>
> i will not do the stupid shit you're supposed to in order to control
> your man.

but you'll do other things ... sigh ... i'm sorry ... i've just been
thinking a lot about this post ... and a lot about what's gone wrong for
both of us in relationships

i really don't think we've got this question worked out for ourselves

we've both made some awful mistakes

i feel like i'm coming off as tired, crabby and argumentative and i feel
bad about it ... i know that you have a wisdom that i don't always
understand well ... but it doesn't always work all that well for you

>
> well i know the difference between and a child and a lover.
> and i expect a lover to return what he takes - a child can't.
>
> i don't think you can really control anyone termite. you can reward
> them or punish them so you can control them while you're in the room
> with them,

i'm not even sure that can be done ... my wife is a master at
passive/aggressive behavior ... that shit never worked with her

the rewards were just her due and the punishments, such as they were, were
just further proof that i was a controlling bastard

the worst part of that is that i became a controlling, well, not bastard,
but getting there

>
> christ we can't even control ourselves - i mean we can about some
> things. we have to behave as if each decision counts when ... it's
> laughable and yet what drives your decisions is the quality of your
> heart so in that, they are very important. the manual of your life.

i have a real hard time accepting this ... and i'm having an even harder
time thinking up an argument against it

because i'm beginning to suspect that i don't have the control over myself
that i thought i had

like why do i keep surrendering to people? ... the quality of my heart ...
and then of course, i end up resenting it ...

>
> i still believe ... that sometimes people meet who are emotionally ...
> the same. so they understand each other in this really core way. when
> two beings are that close, the balance of power doesn't have to shift
> very far, you know? the further apart you are, the bigger the swings.

yeah ... must be nice for them ...

> i can maintain a
> perfect theory of love that is impossible to have and yet impossible
> to not long for with your every moon-misty breath ... maybe this idea
> of mine is unfair to us earthbound poets.
>
> but i know it exists ... because i exist.

yeah, but does HE exist? ... that's the problem

i think complex people like us have a real hard time with relationships
... it's like we live in uncanny holler in the uncanny valley ... we're
the people the uncanny call uncanny

>
> they called it genius ... and they said i had it.

you do, you do

>
> my first writing class, my teacher asked us to write our goals. mine
> was:
>
> to find out if i'm as good of a writer as i think i am.
>
> then in chatham college i wrote "to be a brilliant famous writer so i
> can drink all day."

oh hell, kathy, you don't have to write to do that ... but that's funny

>
> oh for the record, i think i am brilliant.

for the record, you are

> it is a wonder to live in
> my head. sometimes i feel sorry for the whole world for not getting to
> see and feel and hear what i do.

i feel glad the world doesn't have to live in my head ... although, my
head's becoming better these days

of course ... if i get writing again ... MUAH HA HA HA HA!! they'll have
to ...

>
> so ... yes i'm what they all said was the rare combination of someone
> who had a story to tell and the talent to tell it. sooo talented.
>
> i felt like a whore ... when i tried to write like the other poets.
> why couldn't i be funny?
>
> my teacher even said "this isn't stand up comedy" ... when people
> laughed when i read.

that is such bullshit ... no wonder there's so much toilet paper poetry
these days ... you know, one sheet is just like another

those kind of people always said my writing was "weird"

they'd shit bricks now ... i feel like being obnoxiously honest with the
world ... in a kind way

> when they wanted me to "tone it down" ... oh that's all i ever heard.
> they wanted to rip the narrative right from my mouth ... they did!

tone it down? take the narrative away?

it's time for the uncanny generation of writers to shove it down their
throats

jesus, kathy jo, what is with me today? i'm being snarly

i didn't get enough sleep this weekend

> at
> the paper, near the end, i was not allowed to write in the first
> person except my column. even in poetry they would be all "show don't
> tell"

the world's no 1 writing workshop cliche ... i believed them when i heard
it at first ... now i feel like telling them to start a tv show if they
want to show don't tell

if you tell things in the right way ... you can show more

and all this subtlety that i've learned in the show don't tell philosophy
... and i can be very good at it ... so good at it only a few people can
get it ... but they're really smart to ...

but it's a way of distancing myself from what i'm writing sometimes

i have the craft and the skill ... and the depth ... but reading you made
me realize i was missing something ... me ... and those projects where i
did get there freaked me out too much

and i'm going to have to get over that

i'm so damn tired ... and i still want to talk about the rest of the post,
too

well, i don't know

i think that we deal with people ... especially people we're in love with
very differently ... and i can hardly say that my way is "right" ...
because my results suck

it would be so hard for me to do what you do with someone ... and i think
that's why the men you've been with start feeling bad about it because
they know they can't ... and can't figure out another way to love you that
would make you feel loved

and i would be very scared of being even more taken advantage of then i
have been

once again, i don't know if you're crazy or i'm just too mean to
understand it

but here's one thought ... being in love is to fiction like love is to
reality ...

do we want fiction or reality?

i wish i could write more but i can't right now ... my brain's shutting
down

and i need to struggle a lot more with all of this because it's important
to me ... sometimes i feel like i've been mr codependency and sometimes i
just think i've been a jerk

and i just need to have a better clue than what i do now before i even
thing about being with someone

you know, for people who don't want to have relationships, we sure talk
about it a lot ... or is that just me?

[termite]

The CU17 of M30W required "Whorella Mundane" <whor...@hellokitty.com>

to confess in news:qGkIc.42848$6e7...@nwrddc03.gnilink.net:

oh, this is interesting ... they were discussing this page on metafilter
... it's about escort girls/courtesans/call girls

http://escortland.blogspot.com/

what a thing to blog about ... my comment on metafilter ...

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

so what's the real taboo here ... is it sex? is it money? ... which is
more sacred?

if the girl's just giving it away without being someone's friend ... well,
that's not too bad ... if the girl's only giving it when she's treated to
a nice dinner and all that, with love being a secondary consideration ...
well, some don't mind too much

the minute the dollars change hands, all of a sudden, something's
radically different

is it the sex or the money that's bugging us here?

how many women do you know that are with a man that makes less money than
they do? i know there's some, but they're exceptions, aren't they?

aren't men supposed to be the providers?

if you do it in the context of a marriage, it's socially acceptable and
approved ... if you just fork over some cash, it's different ... and this
is not a comment about "money grubbing" women ... no ...

why is a man's role defined by his wallet? and if it's a question of
intimacy ... a lot of married couples aren't that intimate

what's really offensive about prostitution? ... that it's a blunt
portrayal of our sexual roles in traditional society?

as a man, the issue for me isn't why women are "whores" ... that's
something women have to struggle with

why are we "johns"? ... either in the most basic sense ... or a more
metaphorical sense ... why do we "pay" for our sexual role in society? ...
why do we define ourselves as what we do, which has a heavy component of
what we earn and what we spend it on

the no. 1 problem in marriages is money

do we ever seperate money from sex, or love, or anything else, including
how we define or think about ourselves?

what's the real problem here ... the money or the sex?

oh, chicobangs, i suspect that the reason life is not a william vollmann
novel for us is that we're not william vollmann

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

people in this country are so damn money obsessed ...

but i'm "going for love" ... well, someday

>
> and me and madge were talking ... just how strange it was that people
> went on and on as hunters and gatherers and then one day decided to
> stay in one place. very strange. but that from then on, property had
> to be defined

the thing about anthropology ... it's hard to investigate a society that
hasn't been corrupted by western culture because just the presence of an
observer changes it

and we don't really know that the hunter/gatherers of ancient times are
the same as the few remnants we've found in the last 100 years or so

i've read about societies where it's expected that men and women have sex
5 or 6 times a day ... where people are loving and peaceful ... or where
people are hateful and murdering

there's a real spectrum here

but the transition to staying in one place ... well, nomads can have ideas
of property too

but there's lots of factors here ... the technology of staying in one
place ... seedplanting, storage ... specialization of work instead of
being jack of all trades ... the ideas of commerce, money and property ...
the transition from shamanism to priesthood ... the creation of
heirarchies

we domesticated ourselves just like we did dogs ... and just like wolves
are different mentally and emotionally and physically from dogs ... even
though they're genetically able to breed together ... hunter/gatherer
people are different than civilized people

our problem is that we haven't "evolved" the civilized breed of people
like we have dogs ... and yes i'm coming dangerously close to the idea of
eugenics here ... an idea we consciously rejected last century as being
horribly inhuman ... while we get the technology and knowledge to actually
do it in this century ... and have already started

i fear this process because i fear who'll be in control of it ... and i
think we'll leave out things about ourselves ... in the quest to make a
real "civilized" man ... that will be essential in the long run

we're still testing how much of a brake culture can be on rampant
technology change ... it's surpising to me just how much we've managed to
hang on to

> this makes me very sad ... but love ... ee cummings loved ... it goes
> as far back as we do ... when your eyes take hold of your body and you
> can't get that face out of your head and would rather die than be
> separated. oh how we do love ... we really do.

it's such a helpless feeling too ... one day we're going along, ignorant
of not living with her because we haven't met her

and then its like "i can't live without her"

is there anyway to fall in love without going crazy ... without feeling
it's the end of the world if you don't see them

and i don't think it's just sex ... people can get horny with each other
and not have any real feelings about it ... i've had at least one
relationship where it was, "oh, we'll just fool around for awhile and be
buddies and when we want to end it, we end it" ... that lasted about two
months ... i wasn't enjoying it as much as she wanted me to ... and i was
getting interested in someone else ... and it was, ok, see ya

no, there's something in us that really wants something else ... it's
spiritual and emotional ... and i'm scared of feeling that way again
because i just stop thinking

>
> but yeah the power ... all i know is ... with timmy ... we fought
> about shit but ... he had convinced me, entirely, that he loved me.
> i'm not saying it was easy and him fucking up along the way to the
> point of adjoining jail cells was some shit - but crisis do bind - but
> ... i believed him. well he always talked shit about how he could
> control me. i always knew it was a stupid thing for him to take credit
> for.

when you combine love and addiction ... i think it can be really hard to
know which is which

if i'd been an addict with my old girlfriend ... that's a real scary
thought

and i think love and drugs mess with brain chemistry in similar ways

i'm not saying he didn't love you ... but there was a third party in that
relationship ... the drug ... and it's so weird how the drug can get
personified and take on relationship-type aspects

and then i was stoned all the time, too ... and it's hard to say if i was
an addict because i did put it down

but she wanted me to get clean when she was out of her rehab and i didn't

i only put it down years later when i met my wife and knew that she
wouldn't tolerate it ... and then i learned that being clean was good for
me

>
> i gave. there's a god damed difference.

yeah ... and people can take advantage of it and think they have power
over you because of it

and with my wife it evolved to the point where she did have some power
over me ... it wasn't until she threw me away that i could get free

right now, i'm struggling ... when i dropped sarah off at 11 ... she
wasn't there ... and i had said that it would be 9 or 10 ... sarah slept
in and i didn't feel like rushing her ... and then i tried to find her
church because that's where i thought she was at ... i was pissed and i
really shouldn't have let it get to me that much ... but i've known her to
go there sunday mornings and stay til 4 or 5 which would have been
terrible for me working nights sunday

well i couldn't find the place ... so i went back there and she was there
and just said she was out looking at something ... something that's more
important than being around for her daughter, i guess

and so i asked her if she called ... well, she hadn't obviously ... and i
told her that i had to have her there when it was time to take sarah back
and i wouldn't be able to have her over saturday nights if she kept it up,
not while i'm working nights ... 2nd shift wouldn't matter ... and i was
going to have "zero tolerance" over that

well, she just started giving me this classic glassy look and sat and
pouted ... and then mentioned that the dryer was "burning"

so, i fuck around with it, pull it out and discover it's all the crap
that's accumulated behind and under it ... and tell her she's got to clean
that up ... and then the foil hose falls apart and i had a hell of a time
getting it back together ... and told her to be really careful moving it
back when she's done cleaning

and i got out of there ... i had things to do and she was getting on my
nerves

and here's the worst part ... i keep wanting to call her to see if the
dryer's ok ... and i'm making myself not do it because i'm just going to
get sucked up into it again

>
> i think whenever you're the one loving less, then you're the
> possessive and jealous one. that a person isn't nonpossessive or one
> of these types that never get jealous, or not. that it's not your
> character, but the circumstance. you could have all the power and
> something happens to cripple you with need and then it changes.

true ... or you become stronger and discover that you don't "need" as much

i seem to go from weakness to strength in my relationships ... not so much
with my wife, but certainly with my girlfriend

she was always "get this for me, get that for me"

there were times she ordered me around like a house servant ... not rudely
... but i was waiting on her for sure ... and it made me mad sometimes
because ... sometimes i was doing something ... or just tired ... and she
could get more coca cola from the fridge or whatever for herself, just
once

i never won that argument ... and of course, if i asked for a little favor
like that, forget it

and i tolerated this

i feel like this really says something about me, too

>
> i never wanted to be alone and it drove bruce mad. but i loved to ...
> be around him. he expected me to want all kinds of time alone being as
> how i'm a write. but i've learned to do it with a million people
> around me. i like it. sometimes it drives me nuts. but ... i knew when
> he needed to be alone he specifically needed to be away from me and it
> was ...
>
> well i knew it meant he didn't feel comfortable in front of me and ...
> i didn't understand that.

some people just need their own time ... maybe even sexually, some people
need to play with themselves to connect with themselves, even if they're
in a relationship

i prefer to be alone when i write ... it depends on what i'm doing ... and
there's times ... one time i was at a party at joes and got blindsided
with a song idea right there and then ... there's people partying and
music blaring and i just went to a corner with a unplugged in guitar and a
piece of paper and wrote it in 15 minutes

and it was fine

but i imagine ... a person's really going to have to examine themselves
and be more open with someone like you ... and people often feel like
that's too much work

>
> but ... some men, when they get mean, i know it's stupid and just
> flash back. but bruce took that shit to another level ... his face
> changed and big horns grew from his head. blood dripped from his
> teeth.

i think i appear that way sometimes to people i'm with ... and i don't
like it ... i was starting to get that way with the dryer sunday ... and
part of it was resenting having to deal with shit that she should be
dealing with ... and the other part was i hate inaminate objects that
won't do what i want them to

i suck as a mechanic

>
> on several occasions, i've been so nice to men who would sit in my
> kitchen with tears in there eyes and say "i don't deserver to be
> treated this well" ... they couldn't take it. the nicer i was, the
> worse they felt about themselves. but ... i can't help it. i don't
> want to.

well, it's threatening for some people i think ... i'd have a hard time
dealing with it myself ... feeling like i wasn't good enough ... feeling
like i was incapable of doing anything back that was good enough

and you sense it and you try harder and it makes them feel worse

> leave ... i always thought i was his bird's eye view ... this is why
> this story has to be fiction but i do have a compelling case. but
> "josephine" and i got that kathy jo thing going on but that song
> sounds like it's about ... some sweet young girl ...

i sense that gordie often works on several levels or has several things in
mind ... and it may well be that he wasn't consciously thinking about you
... but something made him name the girl josephine anyway

sometimes creative people don't hear everything they're saying to
themselves ... and i've written songs that turned out to be strangely
predictive of what was going to happen in my life ... songs that described
future relationships or states of mind ... even political and social
events

cell phones ... i don't have one ... i don't understand why people have
them, unless it's for jobs and stuff that it's really important that
people get ahold of you NOW!! ...

do we always have to be so plugged in?