eyes up and ears down low

[whorella mundane]

whew. it's over with this dude.

i kept thinking yesterday ... three month anniversary of her dying.
only three months. i'm grieving ... the landlord has heard me sobbing.
crying. struggling so hard. and he knows the death. he knows ...

so what does anyone expect of me right now? he got the rent. i cleaned
this place. it is so improved since i got there. and now ... i feel
trapped here. he can hear what i say. he can hear me go from room to
room. he can hear me do dishes. talk on the phone. talk to myself.

and he can walk up here anytime he wants ... smokie woke me up in the
middle of the night growling. had someone been watching me sleep? why
mess with my head? why? why couldn't he be married or something? why
did he have to like me? and ... i made a few jokes ... did some
jagging ... but this was him.

the problem is that he blew me off on friday ... i was so pissed at
myself and i got up on saturday thinking about him, tim, gord - who i
used to be. who i am now. how much i sacrificed and for what? so i
started drinking shots of vodka at 5 am

i can be a very good drinker ... and i kept drinking - as you could
probably tell by saturday's posts. so liquor-brave! but not brave ...
spent. not caring.

then rich hears me talking to vicki - thinking i'm talking about him -
he tries calling. texting. i don't respond. so he comes up here and i
looked at him and i go "you blew me off!" and pushed him!

and we had so much fun. he loves the music.

yesterday ... nothing. yeah i got lots of nothing for this one. my
heart ... i was crying and crying yesterday ... why? why must they
mess with my head? i'm crushed ... talking to vicki made me miss cindy
so much more.

and he just left me up here ... so when i take smokie out ... i have
to be real quite 'cause i don't think he's worthy of hearing my funny
dog talk

but i do make good use of anger. i did a ton of laundry and cleaned
everything including the fridge. i even did my hair.

now i gotta call my mom and apologize for not going over there. now my
family will be worrying and i am so sorry that they have to worry. i
have rough times but i'm okay. i'm always okay.

what fucking choice does one have?