who i am

[whorella mundane]

they all say, "there's nothing you can do" ...
i did nothing
and nothing worked.
nothing worked while the kid was not here.

i'm terrified about his return.
but dread is turning into determination.
i didn't come this far to let him die
and let lolo wither. NO. i am not POWERLESS.

how is it that the loved ones of the addict are powerless
but the people running rehabs, aren't.
or the hellish halfway houses, aren't.
what do they have that i don't? NOTHING.

and they have no skin in the f'n game
except getting paid.

i heard two people in meetings talking about
how they survived the halfway houses
with external help.

they are still withdrawing for months
yet i remember how they woke us up
with an f'n bugel at 7 am like we were in the f'n army.

and all the rules for people obsessing about
getting out. getting high. their lives are ruined.
criminal records. and the guilt for what they did
to those they loved most.

leo can not ever have the keys to the car.
leo and lolo will go to meetings and be involved.

i would force leo to get a new cell phone number
but we blocked lolo's boyfriend but they still talked through good reads.

you can't force this shit on them.
you have to lead them into wanting to do things
because, they know, deeply, that all i want
is what is best for them.

yeah ... i have lived in fear of phone calls
and i got the calls ... leo had been arrested.
lolo had been arrested.

leo was unresponsive on the floor.
leo was having seizures.
lolo was doing bad things.

last time leo was here, i had lost all hope.
my sister died and i thought it was as bad
as it could be. and then it got worse.

what a cruel thing ... the golden days to such despair.

yes ... there's got to be more than just to despair.

health care companies should have an in-home treatment kit.
first, the scripts for detox.
drug tests. daily phone calls.
family counseling.

but without a car ... recovery is daunting.
lolo relapsed after drifting from the meetings
because she had no car and no one was offering rides.
yet they tell you the people in the meetings care.

i remember going through the same things.
but who would watch my baby while i went?
my therapist was a two-hour bus drive away - one direction.
and yet i went every week. with my toddler.
my hyperactive toddler.

there should be an app that hooks up recovering addicts with cars, willing to give rides, with those who need rides.

but families are not connecting.
they are so pissed at the addicts and so ashamed.
but if there was a network they could coordinate
child care and rides.

i remember ... it was heartbreaking.
i went to therapy, college, meetings, church.
all on buses. but i still look back and think i was such a loser.

no more. no more. the shame ... it weighs about 100 pounds
and causes you to slouch, to buckle. to hide.

no more.

again, why am i supposed to be powerless
but the people running rehabs, aren't?
and the cost! 28K a month?
you could give the families a car, for life! for that,
and have money for gas for a year.

we will spend trillions on guns and cops
to fight the flow of drugs even though we all know it's a joke.

what good is a law you can't enforce?

the violence ... and the new laws, throwing people off the meds ...
the rise of heroin.

seriously ... i gave my subs away without realizing it
and suddenly i had only four left.
but they don't exist on the street. couldn't buy them.
but heroin - easy. and this is after this huge drug bust
around here. it's all so wrong.

it's so wrong it cracks my skull.
but i WILL NOT SURRENDER THESE KIDS TO THIS BULLSHIT.

so fine ... i'm all fired up!
the course in miracles say if you are angry, the ego is driving.
but you can't exist without the ego
and i'd gladly give it up to find peace ...

but right now all i can think about is leo moving back in.

and if reality stems from the mind, okay.
gotta get my mind right.

only way to do that is by writing it ... i can write my new reality.