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Re: me-mys elf-and-it
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John W.
Sep 2, 2017, 4:31:39 PM9/2/17
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On Saturday, September 2, 2017 at 11:50:55 AM UTC-5, kathy.kr...@gmail.com wrote:
> i'm just fine ... it's weird but the course in miracles is like the opposite of white thinking. it's a journey into some grim shit about the ego and how it came to believe it was real. it's not about fighting for justice.
>
> and it describes our form of justice as insane. it says that it's insane to thinking punishment improves a person. punishment is just another form of attack only we say it's about justice and even love. and sure ... little kids do not like taking "no" for answer. but even then, i think about how i was punished and how violent it was ... it only strengthened my resolve to do wrong.
>
> see ... there are ever-changing lists detailing what's right and wrong and it's a lot for a kid, so usually the first time i did something wrong, i was innocent. i honestly didn't know. but i'd get beat for it just the same -
>
> and blah blah blah it pissed me off but the other thing it did was make me feel like god hated me. i truly believed jesus would love me. maybe ... but then why?
>
> every single friend i had, lived in a nicer house ... and my close friend's house was perfect and her room, huge and girly and beautiful. man.
>
> so ... as my ego bloomed, it was in darkness. and it doesn't take much for us to start questioning whether god loves us and this drives the entire world ... the more money you have, the better you look, the luckier (or more ruthless) you are, no one says it outright but they are the chosen ones. the celebrities. we expect their numbers to be small.
>
> so then there's the rest of us. most people ... the lucky average americans. we learn to be grateful because we have to. but still ...
>
> we become the victims and the ego loves this. it's all proof that god hates us. so there's always an "us" and a "them" and both sides believe they are on the right side - with the arrival of media, we now see how the rich people live. we love watching these beautiful images while we secretly imagine what it would be like ... or are thinking of how to get there and call it "making my dreams come true" but statistically, only a small part of the bell curve get their dreams to come true and an equal number can't even get a job that allows them to live with a little dignity ... buy a house. drive a decent car. take the kids on vacation.
>
> the course is not for the young ... and it really provides the highest form of hope but it's not about making your dreams come true. and yet the holy spirit will work with whatever you have and do so it becomes part of your special purpose in bringing about the attonement.
>
> it's tricky as hell but it's not tricky but i think these doom phases are part of it and the course even says not to push yourself but i still keep doing the workbook exercises - but if i'm worrying or putting pressure on myself, it means the ego is in control.
>
> but man ... i never feel at peace. i mean i have glimpses into what that must be like but i pretty much live in a state of fear. but i don't think i'm alone in that ... the news is fear driven. like ... if they're not scaring the shit out of us, they're not doing their jobs.
>
> and it's not like the fear inspires action ... a smoker thinks about disease and reaches for a cig to calm down. and of course it's the poor that smokes. but with heroin ...
>
> that's a state of absolute peace followed quickly by the horrible sickness ... withdrawal.
>
> anyway i'm just saying that things are okay - bills are paid. kids are ok. leo's off to some seminar or something with these people who want them to work with them getting people to change their energy suppliers. lolo is here ... she was up all night. a hard night you could say.
>
> neither one is totally clean but neither one has crashed a car or stole or got in trouble with the law, in over a year. that's all i have. it took a long time for them to get jacked up and although i hate it and question my lax approach every single day, i think it will take time for them to get better. so they take a nibble here and there when they can get it for nothing - and i imagine that's hard to say 'no' to ... so things are getting better.
>
> i guess even peace is relative ... last year at this time, leo was in really bad shape. it was horrific. and i had to deal with lolo, who was wigging about the kid ...
>
> but i mean ... leo was brutal to me. and it hurt ... and i snapped back here and there but it didn't matter. i had to figure out what to do or not do. so i had him locked up in a hospital. he was so pissed at me but it had to happen.
>
> but now ... he's the old leo. he does stuff for me - he still puts shit off but he's really coming back, you know? the whole thing seems to be about just ... doing nothing. wait. do my best to be about the love all the time. be patient. and not attack back
>
> it's really hard ... but when someone is attacking you, you have to see it as a call for love. but i mean you still have to protect yourself. have to figure out how to minimize the damage. lock shit up. do "find my iphone" stuff so he knows i'm watching where he goes and that if he even thought about turning it off, i'd go off on him.
>
> at one point, he just didn't care and would do it anyway. but that hasn't happened for awhile and only once in the past year.
>
> i guess it's hard to see this when i still have this awful worry ... but i truly believe god wants me to return to him. even needs me ... and so my experiences have to reflect what my um spiritual practice is.
>
> but it's no garuntee ... the ego operates in the subconscious so there's no way for me to deal with it without prayer. all the course asks for is a tiny willingness. man it's crazy deep.
>
> but the fear ... i don't feel stronger. but then again we've all been through a lot these past years and 6 years ago today me and cindy where having a great day and it would be her last.
>
> and i should be over that but i admit death still messes with me. my mom getting a harsh diagnosis - but not as bad as it could be but still, i am going to lose her. she's getting up there and my world will lose another essential piece. but while she's alive, dang you can't let that get you down! it does make me more determined to talk to her and see her all the time.
>
> i get that chance, you know? and i think the kids are gonna be just fine. i don't care what they do - and sure i get money problems but right now, we're okay. and we're gonna be okay. but it just takes time and dang that is hard ...
>
> anyway so this book ... i actually work on it a lot and it's a rough thing. as i went through this stuff with the kids, i'd fantasize about what i'd do if i had money. tons of it! and how it would solve so many problems.
>
> but of course people with money - who knows how they really deal. i know there are families who have no choice except to let the kids go off into it but for so many of them, dying in record numbers, consequences have no effect. none.
>
> almost dying isn't consequence enough so how do we top that? threaten to kill anyone who overdoses? always we assume a violent solution. only this drug war - horrific violence. and it's so simple ... make the drugs legal again. before this madness started.
>
> there's a book that describes the whole thing really well: chasing the scream.
>
> opiates used to be legal and sold over the counter. cough syrup. and there were some addicts but they were treated compassionately.
>
> they are sent to treatment where they are talked down to ... treated like children ... and it costs so much! and sure you have to deal with them on their level but the tone is still "you are a piece of shit" and instead they could build "treatment" centers where the addict could sleep as long as he needed. there would be food. we know most of them will relapse but even if they do, they are moved to a different part of the place but they are not thrown out with no where to go. all that does is make them live in fear.
>
> i mean without the expectation of relapse as part of recovery, the stress is too much.
> because they all have one thing in common: none of them really believes they'll be able to stay clean. and it's the one thing they're not allowed to admit without the happiness bullies telling them not to say that and use it as an excuse to relapse.
>
> but of course they don't do this because why put it in their heads that they might relapse? they'll use that to relapse. but what's funny about relapse is that you kinda don't know that it's happening. you're driving to work one morning with 30 days clean and see a road sign pointing to the old life and you turn ... you're not driving to work and start thinking, "oh there's a chance i might relapse so i'm going to!"
>
> what causes a relapse is the worst part of the picture ... and when they're doing good and all helpful and nice and it seems like it's over, and they go back. even though they know they will end up sick ... even though they know it's hurting everybody ...
>
> and it's the parasite ... it's controlling the person. that's the disease model. i don't know but i'm shutting up. it's hard figuring out a story - i'm used to writing about my own life and it was easier. and i will do the story structure right. and it's not first person ... it's like my writing voice isn't there as much. well ... there are funny parts but it's not my actual story so i have to be more careful with it. because it's gonna piss off whoever reads it. except the people who are secretly and shamefully enabling .... except the addicts. except the growing number of people seeing that it's not working.
>
> truly if people were dying from a real disease, can you imagine the response? and for this condition, there's no cure, only treatment, and even that has dismal results.
>
> see what they don't want to deal with is the fact that, as long as the drugs are out there, people are going to do them. and even the strength of the us of a can't stop the flow. it's only gotten worse and worse. but thank god there are people coming to realize that throwing the addicts in jail is not helping. and that giving them medical-assisted therapies helps. how crime goes down. how everything bad goes down. aids. overdoses.
>
> anyway ... it's a tricky book is all but i have some really good scenes but the end is so hard. and i have to respect the people who see it the other way. ah the lead character - the mom.
>
> all i know is that in my heart ... i just am giving them time. i may have to get a little pushy in time - i don't know! but i just ... the one thing death taught me is the profound sense of how any little squabble you had with someone who passed, looks so wrong. so stupid.
>
> so i want to see that way why they are still alive. with the same respect we give the dead. the dead are absolved. and all of the love ...
>
> i still have this fear and it's no good but i'll just see what it's trying to teach me. i really believe the course is truth. Truth. i have wept to describe it to people ... the world is all so contradictory and messy and to find a text that rings True, for the first time? To have something to guide ... and all in search of peace.
>
> they say the course is difficult but i think it's just life. and least the text makes sense of why things are the way they are. what a relief, grim as it is.
>
> it says how funny it is that we fear being murdered but no one fears being the murderer.
>
> so yeah i don't know ... just wanted to write something here. i miss having logs of my life. to see how i saw things. how i spent my days. wondering what's changed. what hasn't.
>
> okay this feels so boring so i'm gonna go ... jim hi!
It wasn't boring at all. Jim says hi.
> i'm just fine ... it's weird but the course in miracles is like the opposite of white thinking. it's a journey into some grim shit about the ego and how it came to believe it was real. it's not about fighting for justice.
>
> and it describes our form of justice as insane. it says that it's insane to thinking punishment improves a person. punishment is just another form of attack only we say it's about justice and even love. and sure ... little kids do not like taking "no" for answer. but even then, i think about how i was punished and how violent it was ... it only strengthened my resolve to do wrong.
>
> see ... there are ever-changing lists detailing what's right and wrong and it's a lot for a kid, so usually the first time i did something wrong, i was innocent. i honestly didn't know. but i'd get beat for it just the same -
>
> and blah blah blah it pissed me off but the other thing it did was make me feel like god hated me. i truly believed jesus would love me. maybe ... but then why?
>
> every single friend i had, lived in a nicer house ... and my close friend's house was perfect and her room, huge and girly and beautiful. man.
>
> so ... as my ego bloomed, it was in darkness. and it doesn't take much for us to start questioning whether god loves us and this drives the entire world ... the more money you have, the better you look, the luckier (or more ruthless) you are, no one says it outright but they are the chosen ones. the celebrities. we expect their numbers to be small.
>
> so then there's the rest of us. most people ... the lucky average americans. we learn to be grateful because we have to. but still ...
>
> we become the victims and the ego loves this. it's all proof that god hates us. so there's always an "us" and a "them" and both sides believe they are on the right side - with the arrival of media, we now see how the rich people live. we love watching these beautiful images while we secretly imagine what it would be like ... or are thinking of how to get there and call it "making my dreams come true" but statistically, only a small part of the bell curve get their dreams to come true and an equal number can't even get a job that allows them to live with a little dignity ... buy a house. drive a decent car. take the kids on vacation.
>
> the course is not for the young ... and it really provides the highest form of hope but it's not about making your dreams come true. and yet the holy spirit will work with whatever you have and do so it becomes part of your special purpose in bringing about the attonement.
>
> it's tricky as hell but it's not tricky but i think these doom phases are part of it and the course even says not to push yourself but i still keep doing the workbook exercises - but if i'm worrying or putting pressure on myself, it means the ego is in control.
>
> but man ... i never feel at peace. i mean i have glimpses into what that must be like but i pretty much live in a state of fear. but i don't think i'm alone in that ... the news is fear driven. like ... if they're not scaring the shit out of us, they're not doing their jobs.
>
> and it's not like the fear inspires action ... a smoker thinks about disease and reaches for a cig to calm down. and of course it's the poor that smokes. but with heroin ...
>
> that's a state of absolute peace followed quickly by the horrible sickness ... withdrawal.
>
> anyway i'm just saying that things are okay - bills are paid. kids are ok. leo's off to some seminar or something with these people who want them to work with them getting people to change their energy suppliers. lolo is here ... she was up all night. a hard night you could say.
>
> neither one is totally clean but neither one has crashed a car or stole or got in trouble with the law, in over a year. that's all i have. it took a long time for them to get jacked up and although i hate it and question my lax approach every single day, i think it will take time for them to get better. so they take a nibble here and there when they can get it for nothing - and i imagine that's hard to say 'no' to ... so things are getting better.
>
> i guess even peace is relative ... last year at this time, leo was in really bad shape. it was horrific. and i had to deal with lolo, who was wigging about the kid ...
>
> but i mean ... leo was brutal to me. and it hurt ... and i snapped back here and there but it didn't matter. i had to figure out what to do or not do. so i had him locked up in a hospital. he was so pissed at me but it had to happen.
>
> but now ... he's the old leo. he does stuff for me - he still puts shit off but he's really coming back, you know? the whole thing seems to be about just ... doing nothing. wait. do my best to be about the love all the time. be patient. and not attack back
>
> it's really hard ... but when someone is attacking you, you have to see it as a call for love. but i mean you still have to protect yourself. have to figure out how to minimize the damage. lock shit up. do "find my iphone" stuff so he knows i'm watching where he goes and that if he even thought about turning it off, i'd go off on him.
>
> at one point, he just didn't care and would do it anyway. but that hasn't happened for awhile and only once in the past year.
>
> i guess it's hard to see this when i still have this awful worry ... but i truly believe god wants me to return to him. even needs me ... and so my experiences have to reflect what my um spiritual practice is.
>
> but it's no garuntee ... the ego operates in the subconscious so there's no way for me to deal with it without prayer. all the course asks for is a tiny willingness. man it's crazy deep.
>
> but the fear ... i don't feel stronger. but then again we've all been through a lot these past years and 6 years ago today me and cindy where having a great day and it would be her last.
>
> and i should be over that but i admit death still messes with me. my mom getting a harsh diagnosis - but not as bad as it could be but still, i am going to lose her. she's getting up there and my world will lose another essential piece. but while she's alive, dang you can't let that get you down! it does make me more determined to talk to her and see her all the time.
>
> i get that chance, you know? and i think the kids are gonna be just fine. i don't care what they do - and sure i get money problems but right now, we're okay. and we're gonna be okay. but it just takes time and dang that is hard ...
>
> anyway so this book ... i actually work on it a lot and it's a rough thing. as i went through this stuff with the kids, i'd fantasize about what i'd do if i had money. tons of it! and how it would solve so many problems.
>
> but of course people with money - who knows how they really deal. i know there are families who have no choice except to let the kids go off into it but for so many of them, dying in record numbers, consequences have no effect. none.
>
> almost dying isn't consequence enough so how do we top that? threaten to kill anyone who overdoses? always we assume a violent solution. only this drug war - horrific violence. and it's so simple ... make the drugs legal again. before this madness started.
>
> there's a book that describes the whole thing really well: chasing the scream.
>
> opiates used to be legal and sold over the counter. cough syrup. and there were some addicts but they were treated compassionately.
>
> they are sent to treatment where they are talked down to ... treated like children ... and it costs so much! and sure you have to deal with them on their level but the tone is still "you are a piece of shit" and instead they could build "treatment" centers where the addict could sleep as long as he needed. there would be food. we know most of them will relapse but even if they do, they are moved to a different part of the place but they are not thrown out with no where to go. all that does is make them live in fear.
>
> i mean without the expectation of relapse as part of recovery, the stress is too much.
> because they all have one thing in common: none of them really believes they'll be able to stay clean. and it's the one thing they're not allowed to admit without the happiness bullies telling them not to say that and use it as an excuse to relapse.
>
> but of course they don't do this because why put it in their heads that they might relapse? they'll use that to relapse. but what's funny about relapse is that you kinda don't know that it's happening. you're driving to work one morning with 30 days clean and see a road sign pointing to the old life and you turn ... you're not driving to work and start thinking, "oh there's a chance i might relapse so i'm going to!"
>
> what causes a relapse is the worst part of the picture ... and when they're doing good and all helpful and nice and it seems like it's over, and they go back. even though they know they will end up sick ... even though they know it's hurting everybody ...
>
> and it's the parasite ... it's controlling the person. that's the disease model. i don't know but i'm shutting up. it's hard figuring out a story - i'm used to writing about my own life and it was easier. and i will do the story structure right. and it's not first person ... it's like my writing voice isn't there as much. well ... there are funny parts but it's not my actual story so i have to be more careful with it. because it's gonna piss off whoever reads it. except the people who are secretly and shamefully enabling .... except the addicts. except the growing number of people seeing that it's not working.
>
> truly if people were dying from a real disease, can you imagine the response? and for this condition, there's no cure, only treatment, and even that has dismal results.
>
> see what they don't want to deal with is the fact that, as long as the drugs are out there, people are going to do them. and even the strength of the us of a can't stop the flow. it's only gotten worse and worse. but thank god there are people coming to realize that throwing the addicts in jail is not helping. and that giving them medical-assisted therapies helps. how crime goes down. how everything bad goes down. aids. overdoses.
>
> anyway ... it's a tricky book is all but i have some really good scenes but the end is so hard. and i have to respect the people who see it the other way. ah the lead character - the mom.
>
> all i know is that in my heart ... i just am giving them time. i may have to get a little pushy in time - i don't know! but i just ... the one thing death taught me is the profound sense of how any little squabble you had with someone who passed, looks so wrong. so stupid.
>
> so i want to see that way why they are still alive. with the same respect we give the dead. the dead are absolved. and all of the love ...
>
> i still have this fear and it's no good but i'll just see what it's trying to teach me. i really believe the course is truth. Truth. i have wept to describe it to people ... the world is all so contradictory and messy and to find a text that rings True, for the first time? To have something to guide ... and all in search of peace.
>
> they say the course is difficult but i think it's just life. and least the text makes sense of why things are the way they are. what a relief, grim as it is.
>
> it says how funny it is that we fear being murdered but no one fears being the murderer.
>
> so yeah i don't know ... just wanted to write something here. i miss having logs of my life. to see how i saw things. how i spent my days. wondering what's changed. what hasn't.
>
> okay this feels so boring so i'm gonna go ... jim hi!
It wasn't boring at all. Jim says hi.
whorella mundane
Sep 17, 2017, 10:10:12 AM9/17/17
to
this is weird ... writing without any weed ... and all this spiritual stuff ... thanks for saying it wasn't boring 'cause i know it sound so crazy and shit but ... i believe it to be the only truly true thing i've ever read ... and it's a huge book ... and hard to read - but wow it just didn't let me go even when i hated it. when i was so mad! i wanted real answers, not "this is just a dream" ... but ... i'm strangely patient and so i kept reading and just never stopped. i pick up other books but the course in miracles is the only book i read every single day.
so hi! how are you?
so hi! how are you?
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