"if we go down, then we go down together, remember?" or "a dose of old"

[whorella mundane]

i wrote the wildest shit out here - i think. i rarely - like once every other year, will take a peak, but that's about that!

i was never shy about anything. out here. in here. for the most part. but not always. surely a girl can't tell all? what is all? whatever crosses my brain while i happen to have a laptop. so writing about constant rejection and unbridled sex that never actually occurred - and not that i wasn't all full-frontal about it ... there were just too many dudes out here! and they all got the wrong idea. too many contradictions. so what is left?

i've watched the signs change ... dialogue windows that used to error-out had messages like "error name, error code" and now i see one on google with an error message that says "aw, snap!" and it pissed me off. see, i don't think there should be anymore errors. i know that will never happen, or so they say, but don't make it sound like i got fucking punked and it's really cool, instead of "somebody didn't do his or her's job!"

instead of "sorry!" or i'd like to see "sorry, we suck!" or something.

and this, i call "just jagging" 'cause i only get pissed for a small instant. but it did crack me up - my reaction.

oh i digress i always digress util i'm just dead.

and then, oh how we digress, eh? dang!

shut up. no, you shut up.
that's me. in my head. constantly.

so yeah it's so easy to write about the warts and not the hurts.
i didn't mean to - i just thought ultimately, everything was funny.
what we expect versus what we get - even when we're following the rules, we get fucked. big loss of innocence. sudden appearance of the right to attack.

that's how it goes down here and i gotta tell ya about my buddy jesus. and given how i see other people who say the same shit, it's pretty fucking shocking to me, too!

you don't just find god. and if it's real, i guess it should be scary because the news is not all good. the course in miracles NAILS US ... bad use of phrase ... it tells me who i am - one of the separated. one of the guilty. no matter what you believe, there is always a righteous cause of attack. manifest destiny or the abuses of our chosen leaders.

god didn't want us to make graven images of Him because of the nature of what an Icon is. our projected image of god onto an image. how could we imagine the glory of god's face? to try and define God is to demean him and the love there, we can't imagine that, either. if we worship an idol, we only paint it with our limited meaning. we lose God in it.

so the course DOESN'T SAY that, because you dared to defy God, YOU WILL FUCKING PAY IN AN ETERNITY OF HELL. the course says you have to let go of the nature of sacrifice, for all that's "sacrificed," is the ego, who wants you dead. it thinks it can survive after death. it's greatest wish is you dead. but no one wants to admit it ... what's behind the slight annoyance.

it says jesus didn't die for our sins. but he became a symbol of sacrifice and apologizes for it like "oh you crazy egos sure are tricky in how you turn shit around!" as jesus was supposed to be the symbol of victory over the body! death could not touch one whose teacher was the holy spirit and only the holy spirit. still - if it bleeds, it leads, eh? the crucifixion we watch in mel-gibson detail like "look how much he loved us and i'm just a lying sack of shit." not "wow no matter what they did to his body, jesus lived! he was the man THEY COULD NOT KILL! WHEW HEW! so the two stories, together, are quite compelling.

and in the world at that time, for a regular joe to be from God? that it wasn't a matter of the virtue of your birth. anyone could have a kingdom of their own, even if their kids were starving! that's harsh ... you could see why this all takes so much time in the dream.

oh. time. the course talks about it ... and describes timelessness. how time is a learning device. you will be given all the time you need to get your mind right, it says. and god can't just use his power to usurp your own, and still honor you. that's the shit we do down here but not god. but it goes on about having hidden thoughts and how you have to bring them to your awareness and look at them with the holy spirit, if you would be free of them.

and ... so i say the words but i have no symbol for the holy spirit. what, ask a dove to see my thoughts? but i don't worry about it. everything that needs to be done to ensure your salvation, the holy spirit will get done. you will get what you need in terms of earth life. you only have to be willing. to want to be in your right mind and get a glimpse of God's Knowledge and be only as you are, a vehicle of love? YES. YES. i want only this.

i don't care want anything else. i make enough money. i'm fine. we struggle a little but never go without entirely. i don't want to be a famous anything. i don't want to be rich! okay that one is hard cause i'd like those mo money problems instead of the no money ones.

arg i gotta work!

it's a tough fucking course, okay? you gotta go into your darkest thoughts and bring them to god through the holy spirt and it sounds laughable but does anyone think they know where ALL his thoughts come from and if fucking so, what about the machine-driven intentions? why do we do what we hate?

WHY DO WE DO WHAT WE HATE? i think about this all the time - the thinking me and the doing me and the difference is hilarious but kind of tragic!

anyway ... questions our brains always asking questions and yes, for once i wanted AN ANSWER. EXPLAIN THIS SHIT TO ME, DEAR GOD. i've loved Your Son since I met him as a small kid in CCD. so i'd read and think "i just can't believe in a brutal god ... i just can't believe the old testiment could be right. like ... i gave god a lot more credit. but then i'd look at the world and the wars and poverty and drug addicts dying by the fucking thousand and it seems like that to me, like every second, a drug addict dies but it's really only every hour so should i feel better and i demanded FUCKING DEMANDED answers from GOD.

and i kept looking from them so i was trying to read the old testiment again and thought "surely im not the only one who wants to believe but just can't go for all this bloodshed and slavery - sure, after 400 years god intervenes. ALL FOR OUR OWN GOD.

so then i started reading about some dude who sounded like a sack o' misery while claiming to be enlightened. he was the enlightened one with a bad mouth! but he said something about the course in miracles and i thought "this dude doesn't like anything so if he likes that book, it must be good. "

and i read it ... and it pulls no punches. and yet it describes a love in words that bring me to tears! the skeptic. oh at first, i didn't really believe it. it's a very long, dense book that poses ideas i've never heard of before. how often can you say that these days?

it wasn't helping me with the problems at hand ... i came so close to losing myself i mean my son. i pity anyone who really understands the toll the addictions take like the moms. the dads get hard core and want to further break (punish) them like the consequences of getting up dope sick every day isn't enough. or their knowledge of what they're putting everyone through but simply can not stop. it's so hard to watch. at least with them here, i can intervene. go full-o on them and refuse to punish them and tell them i love them all the time. and they know, i've given all. so call me weak and whatever.

but over time ... i kept reading the book. trying to do the exercises (it is titled a "course" for a reason and has a manual just for teachers.

and yeah ... i wanted to believe only because nothing else made sex. there has to be a creator. everything in me tells me that it's not random.

and yet a few years ago, that is what i sadly concluded. it all just happened and if couldn't control the ass-beating i was being given, i just wasn't going to pass it along. so i isolated. seems the high road to me!

anyway ... then the book explains how it all happened. HOW EVERYTHING HAPPENED. think of the amount of history and science we've all read, and all the research going on, to try and figure that out. i never read anything that told the whole f'n story. just scattered bits and they conflicted and DANG I WANTED ONE TRUE THING

we all do ... i don't think i'm unique in this ... we are all compelled by the small voice ... oh and the voices, there are so many in my skull and sorting that shit out ... man. but i don't worry about it anymore. i am increasingly aware of what i'm thinking, though.

there are no idle thoughts and our minds ... i always thought it all really went on in there because reality seemed so specific - we all have our own. there are shared illusions but ... dang.

the first read through things were really rough and i just wanted to say a few prayers and figure out how to think about the kids. figure out how to see it so i wouldn't lose my mind. minimize the damage - always my approach.

let them have some time living in safety. anything you do that makes you feel guilty, and if you abuse a brother, it is impossible not to feel it, keeps you further from god.

the book says shit like "you cherish guilt" and i was like "cherish"? seems a weird word for guilt. no one likes guilt. this book makes no sense!

but then i remembered watching gordon downie talking about his wife having cancer and how he failed her ... JESUS ... but there he was talking about it, like he still wasn't sorry enough. and i got really pissed because his big failing was trying too hard and caring too much - but he married one of the immune ... and maybe, if he was sorry enough, she would love him.

and yes, that would be a cherished thought ... if i put my one precious self down hard enough, maybe i'll deserve a little 'what blue!" ...

religious people have a hard time with the fact that the book tells you that you must rid yourselves of the notions of sacrifice for God, of being a woeful sinner as it is impossible for a Son of God to sin because it is impossible that God can sin and we are off Him. He created us. Yes, we acted like impetuous adolescents and abandoned heaven to have it our way and here we are.

so the religious say "we need to feel guilt when we've done something wrong." ... and it kinda makes sense until you realize that mere guilt doesn't stop us. we do what we hate. but we always think, without guilt stopping at least some of us, it would be anarchy.

but it's always anarchy when someone dies. the entire world becomes not-what-is-was. it's always anarchy - behind the wheel of a car. trying to drink a glass of fucking water in america ...

i still swear ... still get fired up but mainly at the comedic value of our darkest everything. so okay - the book never uses attack language but calls you out on all kinds of stuff.

not all like "if you give to your church and you're a good person, you will go to heaven" but who really dies convinced? especially given how the rules are always f'n changing. never as simple as they seem. and the consequences, never the same even when the same rule was violated and we call it justice.

anyway ... there is no justice here except that God would not lose anyone of us weirdos. that's just Gods Law.

here's the thing with this course in miracles, which declares itself a required course and goes on and on about how God gave us Free Will and when we demanded darkness, we got it. And that the main thing, the only thing you need to turn your vision around, is willingness.

it's so funny the most i think about it, how gentle the voice of jesus is and yet how firm and absolute.

of course i'm still afraid something horrible will happen and shatter my faith but now i totally believe that I'm protected. Well, the part of me that matters, is.

I know there's more death ahead ... I'm 56 and my family continues to age and I know ... I know. And there's no grandchildren to liven things up. No fresh blood ... and kids are exciting. exhaustingly so.

but anyway ... i was at my mom's on sunday and was telling her about this and broke into tears. i mean ... once i got passed how matrix-grim it seemed at first, well.

things started getting better with the kids. they thanked me for calming down so much but i don't remember calming myself down. i was just ... yeah. i wanted peace. so i chilled. so they chilled. so i was able to chill more.

lolo is still so hopped up. and it's so clearly a judgment issue or she wouldn't clean with such a vengeance, when she decides to do so. and then she only starts cleaning and makes a huge mess and goes to bed.

she like ... uncleans. she used comet on the kitchen woodwork but never wiped the comet off. i just cleaned it myself but saw her and said "did you clean with dirt? what was on everything?" and i was funny when i said it so she laughed but the conversation ended with "please don't start cleaning and walk away.' but i fixed it. so did she learn a lesson of love or a lesson in cleaning?

the book says the past doesn't exist ... and, if we could let go of it, all judgment would stop. we'd have no frame of reference to judge. yet the past is just a story we told ourselves in some way. and yet ... getting to the bottom of all guilt is ... i don't know how that happens when the guilt is housed in the deepest darkness sub-conscience. i just pay attention to my thoughts - and a thought testifies for either god or the ego. fear or love.

during the first reading i didn't understand why we separated from God, so it seemed like a big trick to me! just like the bible! lure you in, you think you're forgiven and then it ends with Revelations? how could both be true? god loves us but if we fuck up, wow! eternal grudge. worst pain ever. hell. and who dies totally convinced 'last rites' is gonna save their asses for we all fall short of the glory of god, the bible says.

so i was like ... why would anyone want to leave heaven? how stupid could someone be? if it was so perfect and joy and love then why leave? and once we left, how did we know to be afraid of god?

it says we "attacked heaven" and the ego's desire is to crucify all Sons of God (it uses only the masculine text but to me that only means one sex was needed). so yeah - and i had been watching videos and reading other people's use of the course and had to stop that because you have to read it yourself. it's gonna change through the lens of another ego trying to explain it. mine included.

still here i am wondering what happened to IF WE GO DOWN, WE ALL GO DOWN TOGETHER ... there was this EDM band on SNL that sang the most beautiful song that repeated "if we down, we go down together" and i burst into tears.

i never heard of this band, or whatever you call them now, two dudes with no instruments - just machines and three chicks. the chainsmokers. never heard of them. so the performance was not lost on me. i saw nothing but some people who made a song that brought tears to my eyes because i'd forgotten how that "we'll go down together" used to be a "thing" and i'd forgotten.

i never lost that in some way but i just didn't see anyone worth sharing that with because it was always a sign of weakness. what did i ever want from a man but he wanted to give me? but oh the guilt! why? because men think like dogs and feel guilty and act like they're making some huge sacrifice for having you around. but the course says both parties in a "special relationship" equate love with sacrifice (WHICH GOD DOES NOT DO SO THE JESUS STORY IS REALLY F'N DIFFERENT IN THIS BOOK, JIM) yeah the crucifixion is the sign of the ego, the resurrection, the sign of God's perfect redemption, promised to us the instant we needed it, i.e. attacked God.

but then the book explains it ... how we became discontented in Heaven after having asked for special favor, which God could not give us. We rebelled. Thought we could do it better ourselves. And over the course of a million years, our minds created our current existence. says it took millions of years for the separation to occur.

and yeah - not even God knows what we'll do next! We have free will on a level i never even imagined, given it only takes thoughts to build a world.

the book says that we have to abandon any plans we have for our own salvation or the course will not work, as we couldn't help but mess it up, as the ego has a very different idea of salvation based on fear, sacrifice, guilt, sin, punishment - all very dark things ventured into gladly for the glory of God, they say! It is good to fear God!

See okay so the ego is born. I'm fast-forwarding ... the body is the symbol of the ego in this dream called life on earth, albeit in a universe that God created, and god did not chase us out of the garden of edan.

We f'n ran out o' there. the course talks about the bible and how the creation story is the ego's take on it. there is only one 'tree of knowledge' and God never denied any of us of that. we thought we knew better and retreating from god, we conjured a darkness ... and it's not that we always feared God but that the ego was terrified of itself. and so it imagined god was to be feared. the ego brings sin onto us, but all in our own best interest, of course.

and what do we do? we can't handle the guilt of the separation, and all guilt reeks of the original guilt, so we try to make others guilty, to get it off us, and call it "love." or, we injure ourselves and carry around our scars to say "look what you did to me, i'm in the innocent one.!" everything an attempt to make guilty the other.

but then there is the other mind, that we have lost communication with, although never absolutely. God is always there ... but it says we have cut off communication - god is speaking, but we are not listening. and that used to sound like bullshit to me, but not anymore. now it makes perfect sense.

we can only choose when we take the course, but it is required. and in this only, does our Free Will seem to suffer, but it is God's Will that we return to him and even though we may not see it, because we are of God, and it's His will, it is also our's.

the course is always saying "you could totally change your mind about who you are and realize your Selfhood and have all of God's power restored to you right now!" and i'm like "okay let's do it!" but nothing happens.

then i'll remember how i reacted to something that day and was so comforted for how guilty i felt for eating too much cake like "yup i'm eating this cake and icing i made from f'n scratch!" and way too much of it but at least i feel bad about it! which is a weak-ass joke but then i remembered "cherish" and yeah, i can see why that word was used.

and then i realized that ... okay we have this split mind and it's all or nothing as far as the course is concerned. the Holy Spirit is the intercessor between God and me.

There's all this sad stuff about what we did to love ... how we covered it in darkness and how love can't go where it's not invited. and that make sense to me, doesn't sound like a bullshit God excuse.

of course it says it's not the only way to find god. but man ... when i read how jesus was saying "take this bread and eat of it like it's my body, not worth a loaf of bread" he was trying to explain how little the body meant to him. after all, he was Jesus.

and in the course, he defends Judas! But there's one line that blew my mind, and it says, "God would never sacrifice one person for the sins of another. Do you really believe the Father thinks that way?! and i was like "no! i never could understand all that."

But even that all happened in the dream ... Jesus jumped in. Not in the flesh this time, but in the course. who could blame him? "i'll let someone else spread the good news, this time, thank you very much!"

As a kid, Jesus was totally Rudolph. Getting messed with but saving us all in the end!

Hey I got up early to write this and I never do that! I just couldn't sleep and I couldn't just sit here watching the dang news or something.

I guess you could say I found hope. And it says there's no point in trying to change this world, just how you look at it. And I don't understand this holy spirit business but ... just the writing in the book ... it's like perfect. To me, it spoke in a voice I just couldn't deny. for long, anyway.

I denied it like ... it's better than the bible but the happy preachers this day and their promises of prosperty and boyfriends and great success, sure are a lot more fun, damn you!

Then it tells you how powerful our minds are and how we have no idea, the power there. So yeah, it basically says you will get what you really want - but then there's guilt telling us that we're lazy. or if we actually get the big dream, that we don't deserve it. and it never satisfies. it will never be enough. the ego makes sure of it. and so we have greed.

i have no doubt that i will be provided with everything i need to get R done with god ... i would read blogs by teachers of the course, with much dismay.

see ... we have a funny definition of forgiveness. we seek to understand the poor sinner, decide he's worthy of forgiveness, especially if it means god will love us or not, and although we are still condemning him, we decide it's okay. when really we should be seeing with eyes that see only the holy spirit - only the mind - of the other person and we would see that the sin we are condemning that person for, is really one of our own.

that's some shit ... and when the idea was first presented to me, i thought "i've never done to some anyone, some of the shit done to me" but this includes sins upon ourselves and the ego loves a victim. I'm the innocent one! oh it's a brutal notion ... blaming the victim.

don't forget love in all of this ... you don't come upon someone who is sick or suffering and get all like "you're doing this to yourself!" kind of thing. it's a fallen planet ... you see either love, or the need for love, in others. simple. and go from there.

and if you think about what you're thinking, well i found my thoughts were not always so charitable. anyway all i know is that i feel so much better.

the kids are okay so of course that's a huge thing but in my heart, i truly believe that their turn-around was the result of a spiritual intervention. was the result of me trying to see it differently and just get.through.each.day.

wow - what an experience it is to read anything with words you trust implicitly ... it's soooo different. like ... each and every word is so deliberate. so perfect.

and it was "written" by a PH.D of psychology at columbia who never wanted her name associated with it until after she died because she thought, if word got out that she heard this voice that asked her to take notes and the voice was Jesus, and she was convinced of that, that she'd be ruined professionally. She thought she was losing her mind.

She cracks me up, though ... she said "i took the notes and gave you the course but i am not going to work the course."

it's over 1,200 pages long, written in shorthand with a small notebook. She didn't like the voice at first and would try to ignore it but then she wouldn't be able to rest. so she took dictation basically.

so you hear that ... and then it gets sucked into the new age world where hundreds of people write books about the course and some of those get famous and one claims these saints appeared to him and talks about forgiveness - but the course is so much more intense.

yes ... i want new eyes that would allow me to see the world with only love.
yes ... i need to believe there is a god who loves us.
yes ... i can understand how this world is not a reflection of God, and why God's power is limited here.

and yes ... i wanted something ... solid. something true. just some god damned truth only this time the truth tells you the opposite of everything you think. that the world you know as the most real thing, cause you can move it and lift it and eat it, is an illusion.

but then you think about the matrix and the five senses and how computers can manipulate our most powerful sense of sight ... and i would think of some of the most vivid dreams i've had and how real they seemed but how glad i'd mostly be when i woke up. it wasn't real! you could kill someone in your dream but they don't die. it's of no consequence.

but i feel ... i've pinched myself in dreams to see if i was dreaming, and felt it. and i have these vague type of memories of all of us ... rising somehow and being pulled above this type of ceiling and remember the relief. the laughter! the joy! it was just a dream!

and with the whole notion of energy ... how everything is made of it ... i don't know. the course makes sense to me. but it has a bunch of grim shit in it and honestly, i don't know what sins i haven't confessed to in all my ramblings! what guilt is still in me?

but then ... i demean myself and find comfort in it and think "oh there it goes again."

plus, i read all this horrible shit about the ego and i get distance from it like "that is not me." but of course it's the me i created. so the course is all about how we don't know who we are. if we did, the ego would have no sway.

oh it's all exhausting and so intense and i have to get ready for work so i can't proofread sorry agh!