why am i wigging this time?

[whorella mundane]

for the past month or so ... i've just had this horrible uneasy feeling ... the kids are okay. my mom survived the breast cancer thing. but the kids still ... don't have jobs. and it scares me. am i hurting them by helping them? they would all say yes. but i know my son would have died out there. he almost did, so many times.

so at least they are alive and they're not in jail. that should be enough or something. but ever since my sister died, the world has changed. the most mundane things became magic because she had touched them. but when she was alive - none of it was magic. not at all.

6 years later and i still don't know how i survive without her. and she was not easy. and she made things harder than they had to be because she always wanted things to be perfect. she tried so hard and it all fell apart for her because of the road lolo ended up on.

i'm in a state of panic. i dreamed jim died and still feel it ... the void. and it's so ... i mean when someone is alive it's all mundane but when they die ... suddenly we appreciate them. i know that's just life and people deal with it in different ways but i haven't found a way.

i just want to go back but i have been seriously working, finally, on a book. even got a new mac to do so. oh man i'm wigging. i'm in a horrible state here.

i just want to care for the kids until they figure shit out and they may never figure shit out and that's okay. just so they are okay. and that is not enough for other parents of addicts. but it takes time and even then ...

i just about how cindy was always wigging about money and then dies young. all that worry over nothing. and she had the easiest death ... never saw it coming. just passed out. and we had such a great day ... the day she died was a perfect day for us.

anyway i have to get working ... but wow my mind ... it's bad. it's been this way for a little while.

living scared ... and for no reason. so i'm just in a panic ... all we have is right now. today.

oh i don't know i have to go but ... i don't know.

well god bless you ...