Jokes from Letterman, Jay and O'Brien

[SteveTimko]

OPENING REMARKS FROM THE ``LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN''
ON THE CBS TELEVISION NETWORK


(Monday, Sept. 9-Friday, Sept. 13)
``Divine Brown has not been doing so well this year. She's not
attracting the same level of celebrities as she was last year. When the
police arrested her, she was in the backseat of a car with Hugh Downs.''


``There is a new book -- maybe you folks have been hearing about it.
It is about the O.J. Simpson trial -- and I think we all kind of knew
this. Apparently, O.J. Simpson knew the outcome of the verdict before it
was read in court. Well, you know, actually, I think he knew the outcome
of the verdict before he committed the murders.''


``Down there in Washington, D.C., the Senate voted to outlaw same sex
marriages. A spokesman for the Senate defended the vote by saying, Well,
you know what it is. We just didn't want another one of those Michael
Jackson-Lisa Marie Presley situations.'''


``News from California...Lyle and Erik Menendez, the Menendez
brothers, are going to serve out their life terms in separate
penitentiaries in California...Now, Lyle was very upset, as you may
remember, and today when it happened, he said, Listen, our father, Dad,
would not want us to be apart.' And, I'm thinking to myself, excellent
point, Lyle! Speaking of good points, I guess your father also would not
have wanted to have been blown across the family game room by his son.''


``If you enjoy prize fighting, there was some history made Saturday
night -- the Tyson/Bruce Seldon fight. I believe that for the first time
in the history of professional boxing the standing eight count actually
lasted longer than the fight itself.''


``I watched the fight. I enjoyed it...I watched it on the
Pay-per-dive.'''


``Let me see what the rates were -- it was 45 bucks for the fight and
the fight lasted 109 seconds...Forty-five dollars for 109 seconds of
excitement. That makes Dick Morris' hooker look like a bargain.''


``The Washington, D.C. Police Department has decided not to press
charges against Sherry Rowlands for prostitution. She, of course, was Dick
Morris' hooker. The reasoning behind not pressing charges? They said,
Well, you know, if we lock up every hooker in Washington, D.C., who'll be
left to smoke crack with Mayor Marion Barry.'''


``Ladies and gentlemen, we're all very excited because earlier
tonight, right here on CBS, there was a half-hour Ross Perot infomercial
-- or, as CBS is calling it, Touched by a Screwball.'''


``I'm wondering, Ross Perot may be a little too wacky to be President
of the United States because during the infomercial, he's got those big
charts...detailing exactly how you do the Macarena.''


``According to the latest polls, Ross Perot is still in single digits
-- and that's just his height.''


``I believe it now more than ever -- what a great country America
is!...Honestly, one day you're working at Jiffy Lube, the very next day
you're Ross Perot's running mate.''


``Bob Dole has a beat-the-heat technique -- when it gets hot, he takes
his teeth out, puts them in a frozen daiquiri. It's so cute!''


``Last night, Bob Dole picked up the endorsement of a gay Republican
group...Seriously, that one guy could be crucial.''


``Last night in Los Angeles out there in Hollywood, they had a big
fund raiser for the Democratic Party...and the highlight of the evening
was the auction. They auctioned off an hour with Dick Morris' hooker.''


``For $12,000, you have dinner and drinks with the president. For
$5,000, you have a private cocktail party with Clinton. For $50, you get
to sleep with Clinton.''


``President Clinton is now 21 points ahead in the polls, and experts
say that he's so far ahead he could quit campaigning now. But, he's going
to continue. Clinton is going to continue campaigning because, you know,
it's a great way to meet chicks.''


``I was leafing through The New York Times earlier today...and there's
an interesting story about President Clinton and, apparently now, every
day at the same time, he takes a handful -- not one or two -- a handful of
brightly colored pills. Medical tablets, pills...I'm thinking, Those are
M&Ms!'''


The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN, a production of Worldwide Pants
Incorporated, is broadcast weeknights (11:35 PM-12:37 AM, ET/PT) on the
CBS Television Network. Rob Burnett and Peter Lassally are executive
producers.



QUOTABLES FROM NBC'S `THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO'

(Monday-Friday, 11:35 p.m.-12:35 a.m. ET)


The following are quotes from Jay Leno's monologue for the week of
Sept. 9, 1996:

``Tyson knocked out Bruce Seldon in 109 seconds. You think when Tyson
arrives at a fight he turns his car engine off? ... `Officer, I know I'm
in the red zone, I'm only gonna be a minute, okay? ... Just gotta knock a
guy out!'''

``Did you see Seldon after the fight? He said he did badly because he
had something in his eye. Yeah, I think it was a fist.''

``Not all bad news for Bruce Seldon. In fact, I understand now he's
the early favorite to win the gold medal in the next Olympic diving
competition.''

``According to today's New York Post, Bob Dole's campaign advisor,
Roger Stone, has allegedly placed ads in sleazy underground papers seeking
partners for group sex with him and his wife. See, this is what they mean
by going after the swing vote.''

``I guess he used his credit card to pay for the ads. You know how the
Democrats found out about it? Clinton answered the ad.''

``I guess G.O.P. stands for `Get Other Partners.'''

``Good news is, Roger Stone has a character witness on his behalf. The
bad news is, it's Dick Morris.''

``Earlier tonight on national TV, Ross Perot revealed the big secret
-- the name of his Vice President ... Pat Choate ... Didn't Tyson fight
him about a month ago?''

``Presidential candidate Ross Perot's search for a vice president is
over. He has selected Pat Choate. Oh, this is not some snap decision. Ross
says Pat met all three criteria he was looking for in a vice president. He
was home, he answered the phone, he said yes.''

``Anybody see the cover of this week's Newsweek magazine? They show
this man wearing these two testosterone patches on his back. The article
is about how testosterone can affect a man's sex life. You know, this is
the third week in a row Dick Morris has been on the cover of Newsweek.''

``There's a new movie opening up called `Bogus.' It's about a young
boy who has an imaginary friend ... This man appears every few days,
mysteriously, talks to the kid, gives the kid gifts, then tells him to go
back to his mother, and disappears. That's not really a fantasy ... In
L.A., it's called a `biological father.'''



QUOTABLES FROM NBC'S `LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN'

(Monday-Friday, 12:35-1:35 a.m. ET)


The following are highlights from Conan O'Brien's monologues on ``Late
Night with Conan O'Brien'' from September 10 to 13:

``It was reported today that Julia Roberts was not, I repeat not,
making out with a woman in a New York City bar after all. The whole thing
was just a crazy rumor started by the Torture Lyle Lovett Society.''

``A school in South Carolina has banned students from doing the
Macarena on campus because it's too sexually suggestive. I just want to
say that this is a form of censorship, a violation of first amendment
rights and a really good idea.''

``According to Forbes magazine, last year Michael Jackson was the
country's fourth highest paid entertainer. The top three were child actors
that he settled out of court with.''

``It was reported today that Bob Dole has a new plan to raise five
million dollars for his campaign. Apparently, he's gonna fight Mike
Tyson.''

``Yesterday, the election commission announced they'll include Ross
Perot in the presidential debates only if they determine that he has a
realistic chance of winning. So apparently, they might not include Bob
Dole either.''

``Last night, Ross Perot announced that his vice presidential running
mate is economist Pat Choate. Experts say this should kind of balance the
ticket because Choate is only slightly insane.''

``Yesterday, the Menendez brothers were moved to separate prisons. The
warden explained, `I had to do it, they were starting to look at me as a
father figure.'''

``Disney is the latest company to be accused of using children in
illegal sweatshops to manufacture their clothing. Disney tried to defend
themselves by saying, `Hey, we thought they were dwarves.'''

``So far all of the major networks have rejected a proposal that would
provide two-and-a-half minutes of airtime to each candidate. Apparently,
they think they might want to use that time to carry a Tyson fight.''

``In a speech yesterday, Ross Perot's running mate Pat Choate said
that `a vote for Bob Dole is a wasted vote.' He went on to say, `and I
should know because I'm Ross Perot's running mate.'''

``Anna Nicole Smith is apparently writing an autobiography, which she
says will cover her whole career. In fact it goes all the way back to when
she was a C-cup.''

``Our show is three years old today. Which means that children born
the night of our first show are finally old enough to work for Kathie Lee
Gifford.''

[SteveTimko]

OPENING REMARKS FROM THE ``LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN''
ON THE CBS TELEVISION NETWORK

(Monday, Sept. 23-Friday, Sept. 27)
``Boris Yeltsin, now doctors believe, needs two months of rest before
they perform the much-needed heart surgery. They think he'll be all right,
he just needs to rest before the operation. They have him on a bland diet.
Here's what it is: bullion, saltines, jello shots...''


``I read today where Dick Morris is seeing a psychiatrist. I think
this is great. I'm all for this. It's kind of a switch, you know, because
now for $200 an hour, he lies on his back.''


``Welcome home, Shannon Lucid...American astronaut Shannon Lucid was
in outer space orbiting the Earth for six months...and she came home today
safely...You know, she went 168 days without showering or bathing. The old
record, of course, was held by a New York City cab driver.''


``Everybody's safe, the Shuttle crew and Shannon...They had kind of a
dramatic, very scary landing down there in Florida. The Space Shuttle
comes down, lands perfectly on the runway and is taxiing, rolling to a
stop, and at the last minute, had to swerve drastically to avoid hitting
Kelsey Grammer's Viper.''


``It's a very exciting time right now, ladies and gentlemen, for the
New York Yankees...The magic number now for the New York Yankees is two.
Now, the magic number for the New York Mets is still 911.''


``Last night, the New York Yankees clinched the American League East.
You've gotta admit, the Yankees have been playing pretty good ball and
they're very confident. Darryl Strawberry, for example, is so confident,
he's already figuring out ways to hide his World Series money from the
IRS.''


``According to a brand-new book, the founder of Kentucky Fried
Chicken, Col. Sanders, had a wife and mistress. Or, as he referred to
them, Original and Extra Crispy.''


``I was reading the book about Col. Sanders, and I said to myself, You
know, that's nice that he had something on the side besides that lousy
cole slaw.'''


``A 6-year-old kid, first grade student in a grade school in North
Carolina, he kisses a little girl on the cheek in school, one of his
classmates. Kisses her on the cheek -- bang! They send the kid home, he's
suspended. So, I'm thinking, well, maybe it is true. Maybe every kid can
grow up to be president.''


``Things are a little more exciting today in New York City because the
President of the United States (is) over at the United Nations addressing
the U.N. And, I've got to tell you, that's got to be a stirring moment.
There are people dressed in native costumes from 105 countries, and those
are just the cab drivers out front.''


``It's also a fun day for Princess Diana. Breakfast at the White House
with President Clinton and then after breakfast, she went to see ``The
First Wives Club'' with Mrs. Dick Morris.''


``JFK Jr. married a beautiful woman, longtime gal pal Carolyn
Bessette...and it was a very nice ceremony. Just one problem -- as she was
walking down the aisle, of course, she had to step over ol' Ted.''


``Ladies and gentlemen, if I look a little tired today...it's because
ever since the JFK Jr. marriage, I've been on the phone nonstop consoling
Richard Simmons.''


``The newlyweds are right now on their honeymoon and they were looking
for a quiet, secluded place. And I know this is stupid and I know it's too
late, but if they're looking for a quiet, secluded place, what about
either end zone at Giants Stadium?''
``You have to give the Kennedy family a great deal of credit because
they kept the ceremony very secret. It was so secret, in fact, that during
the ceremony, the priest was blindfolded.''


``It was such a well-kept secret that even members of the Kennedy
family did not know that it was taking place. For example, Ted Kennedy did
not know about it and he was there!''


``According to doctors, John duPont claims now that he is the Dalai
Lama, that he is the last czar of Russia and that he is Jesus Christ. And,
he also claims he can cut your taxes by 15% without increasing the
deficit.''


``White House hopeful Bob Dole this week is vacationing in Florida. I
think that's a good idea. He wants to be tanned and well-rested for his
concession speech.''


``I think this is a good move for Bob Dole. While he's in Florida,
he's hired those two guys from
Weekend at Bernie's' to carry him around the beach.''


``The Republicans are now saying that Bob Dole's campaign is finally
beginning to catch fire. Oh, sure, they're burning it down for insurance
money.''


``Bob Dole is so desperate right now, he's thinking of having his
character become a lesbian.''


``Of course, now, in Los Angeles, this is the time of year where they
begin gathering up nuts and putting them on the O.J. Simpson jury.''

The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN, a production of Worldwide Pants
Incorporated, is broadcast weeknights (11:35 PM-12:37 AM, ET/PT) on the
CBS Television Network. Rob Burnett and Peter Lassally are executive
producers.



QUOTABLES FROM NBC'S `THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO'

(Monday-Friday, 11:35 p.m.-12:35 a.m. ET)


The following are quotes from Jay Leno's monologue for the week of

September 23, 1996:

``President Clinton signed a bill today requiring hospitals to let new
mothers stay a minimum of 48 hours in the hospital after the baby is born.
To qualify, all the mother has to do is sign a simple form swearing that
Bill Clinton is not the father.''

``My favorite thing about Perot -- in his speeches he keeps saying,
`This country belongs to me and you.' Yeah, but you know, when you got
three billion dollars, you get the feeling it belongs just a little more
to him?''

``Bob Dole was in St. Louis. While he was making a speech, a guy in a
chicken costume started heckling him. He kept asking Dole, `Why won't you
debate Ross Perot?' And here's the really sad part. The guy in the chicken
costume was Ross Perot.''

``Jack Kemp called this rumor that he was involved with organized
crime figures `ludicrous.' He's never had anything to do with organized
crime ... I think it'd be refreshing to find someone in the Dole campaign
involved with anything that was organized.''

``You know, the Dole campaign is like the mob. They're rich, they got
a lot of bodyguards, and nobody wants to admit they're a member at this
point.''

``Here's what I don't understand about our jury system. Like for this
O.J. trial, you gotta find people who haven't read a newspaper, they
haven't read any magazine articles, they haven't read anything. Then when
it's all over, first thing we do, give them a book deal.''

``The Commission on presidential debates has chosen a city for the
first presidential debate on October 6. You know where it is? Actually,
they asked me not to say on the air. In case Perot's watching.''

``Why does Jack Kevorkian need a gun? What, is he gonna call people
up? `Now look, I'm running a little bit late. I'm gonna be driving past
your house in about 20 minutes. Can you stand in the front window?'''

``Princess Di spent the night at the White House. That sounds like a
scandal waiting to happen. Clinton with a member of the Royal Family, oh
man. Make up your own tabloid headline on that one.''

``Due to damage by hurricanes Bertha and Fran, tobacco prices will
increase. Which means, you might want to put some money away, because it's
gonna cost you a little bit more to get cancer this year.''

``It's autumn now. This is the shortest season of the year. Do you
know what the longest season is? That's the one currently being played by
the New York Jets.''

QUOTABLES FROM NBC'S `LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN'

(Monday-Friday, 12:35-1:35 a.m. ET)


The following are highlights from Conan O'Brien's monologues on ``Late

Night with Conan O'Brien'' from September 24 to 27:

``Next month the Pope is having his appendix removed. After that it
will be on display at the Vatican Planet Hollywood.''

``Over the weekend in Taiwan, 12,500 people broke the world record for
group swimming. They also broke the record for the most number of people
to say, `Hey, why is it suddenly so warm right here?'''

``Experts are now saying that astronaut Shannon Lucid is returning to
earth after six months in space. They say she'll be disoriented, depressed
and lethargic. Not because of atmospheric pressure, but because JFK Jr.
got married.''

``Yesterday, a judge ruled that eccentric billionaire John DuPont is
incompetent to stand trial. The judge said, `He's almost as crazy as the
eccentric billionaire who's running for president!'''

``In North Carolina, a first-grade boy who kissed a girl in his class
was suspended for sexual harassment. So instead of going to school, he
stayed home and watched Bob Barker and Montel Williams.

``The Republicans and the Democrats are now arguing over whether the
presidential debates should start at 7 or 9 o'clock. Apparently, Dole
asked the Election Commission, `Who's still awake at 9 o'clock?'''

``John Ritter, the star of `Three's Company', has been sued for
divorce by his wife. Meanwhile, John Ritter claims it's all a goofy mix-up
and Mr. Furley can explain everything.

``Yesterday, 20th Century Fox announced that in the next `Home Alone'
movie they're replacing Macauley Culkin because he's too old. In a related
story Michael Jackson said he's replacing Macauley Culkin for the same
reason.''

``Yankee playoff tickets went on sale today so last night 700 people
slept outside Yankee Stadium. It's a big deal because most nights only 600
people sleep outside Yankee Stadium.''

``A new study shows that fewer and fewer kids are bringing guns to
school. Apparently, a lot of kids have been using the old excuse, `My dog
ate my ammo.'''

``Divine Brown's former pimp is now suing her for a percentage of the
money she's made in the past year. Apparently, he's got a strong case
thanks to the famous Pimp Act of 1858.''

``Yesterday, New York Mayor Guiliani signed a law that makes
aggressive begging a crime. Which, of course, is a big blow to Bob Dole's
campaign.''
QUOTABLES FROM `WEEKEND UPDATE' ON NBC'S `SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'

(Saturday, 11:30 p.m.-1:00 a.m. ET)


The following are highlights from ``Weekend Update'' on NBC's
``Saturday Night Live'' from Saturday, Sept. 28:

``And now, the fake news ... ``

``At the box office, last week's No. 1 movie, `The First Wives Club,'
was knocked out of the top spot by the new film, `The Hotter, Younger, 2nd
Wives Club.'''

``The Federal Aviation Administration has come up with a list of 30
changes to make air travel safer. No. 1 on the list -- no more crashes.''

``This week Dr. Kervorkian was granted an emergency 30-day permit to
carry a handgun, after telling a court he fears `right-wing nuts.' But if
you ask me, I think he's just getting a little lazy.''

``In Bridgeport, Conn., the Shaghticoke Indian tribe is seeking
recognition by the Bureau of Indian Affairs in order to open either a
manufacturing company or a casino ... Hmmm, I wonder which one they'll
choose.''

``In election news, the latest CNN poll shows Republican candidate Bob
Dole pulling to within just 10 points of President Clinton. A spokesman
for the Dole campaign said `That's impossible!'''

``Speaking in Florida earlier this week, Bob Dole launched his
harshest attack yet on President Clinton, accusing him of `naked failure
of leadership' and `moral confusion' in the fight against drugs. In
response President Clinton said, `Everything you say is true. But guess
what, I'm still gonna win.'''

``Campaigning in the Midwest last week, Bob Dole charged that if
President Clinton is re-elected, he'll put Hillary Clinton in charge of
welfare reform. Asked to respond, President Clinton said, `Yes, it's true.
Also Chelsea will be secretary of state and my brother Roger will take
over as drug czar. Oh and one more thing -- I'm still gonna win.'''

``In Los Angeles this week, the defense suffered a setback in the
second O.J. trial when Simpson was ordered to turn over a secret videotape
which lawyers say contains proof of his guilt. What's on the tape? The
first O.J. trial.''

``This week, fighting along the Northern Iraqi border escalated as
20,000 Turkish troops, backed by warplanes and helicopters, launched a
massive attack against a tribe of Kurdish rebels. In retaliation, the
Kurds fired back with their secret weapon -- the tiny clump of dirt.''

``Civil Rights legend Rosa Parks, heroine of the 1955 Alabama bus
boycott, paid a visit last week to MTV's `Choose or Lose' bus. The visit
turned ugly however, when Ms. Parks was forced to give up her seat to Kurt
Loder.''

``America's most eligible bachelor, John Kennedy Jr., married fiancee
Carolyn Bissett last weekend. The ceremony went off without a hitch,
except for an embarrassing moment when a slightly tipsy Ted Kennedy bumped
into the groom, dropped his trousers, attacked a maid of honor, attacked
the maid of honor's roommate, attacked the maid of honor's aunt, vomited
on the photographer and finally passed out peacefully on the wedding
cake.''



The following quotes are culled from this week's episodes of COMEDY
CENTRAL's ``The Daily Show'' hosted by Craig Kilborn. The show airs
weeknights at 11:30 p.m. ET/PT. ``The Daily Show'' is COMEDY CENTRAL's new
nightly half hour which takes a look at trends, pop culture, current
events, politics, sports and movies with an alternative point-of-view.


All quotes from Craig Kilborn:


1. ``George Steinbrenner threatened to fire GM Bob Watson on the same
day the Yankees won the AC East. Steinbrenner said `I was going to wait
until Christmas morning to fire him but this is better.' ``

2. ``The good news for the six-year-old accused of sexual harassment
-- he's being scouted by several college football teams.''

3. ``Duke defending his position on quotas was overheard saying,
`Affirmative action? When they let white people in the Crips then we'll
talk.' '' (This is how Comedy Central put out this joke in its press
release. I don't know who Duke is, so don't ask me).
4. ``At a press conference, astronaut Shannon Lucid told reporters
that the only man-made objects large enough to be recognized from space
were the great Wall of China and Ted Kennedy's head.''

5. ``VMI's response to the court ruling requiring women cadets to be
admitted. `This is a man's institution with a glorious history. We're
gonna continue to leave the seat up, drink straight from the carton and
only `pretend' to listen to them.' ''

6. ``Yet another Planet Hollywood has opened -- this time in Moscow.
The enormous crowds were drawn by the rumor that the Volga Burger Hut
houses the only working toilet in the former Soviet Union.'' (Comedy
Central put this out in its press release as the ``vulgar Burger Hut,''
but my hunch is they meant the river, unless Planet Hollywoods have
something called Vulgar Burget Huts. Maybe their spell checker or OCR
scanner doesn't recognize the word Volga. Or maybe they hired Beavis and
Butthead to transcribe the jokes.)

[SteveTimko]

OPENING REMARKS FROM THE ``LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN''
ON THE CBS TELEVISION NETWORK

(Monday, Oct. 21-Friday, Oct. 25)
``Every time there's a World Series...the mayors of the two cities,
they have a little wager. Now, if the Braves win, the Mayor of Atlanta
gets a cheesecake from Rudolph Giuliani. If the Yankees win, the Mayor of
Atlanta gets to see his wife and family again.''


``The hero of the game last night was this 19-year old Andruw Jones
for the Atlanta Braves. He hit two home runs -- 19 years old! This guy is
the youngest player responsible for a home run in Yankee Stadium since
that 12-year-old in the bleachers a couple of weeks ago.''


``Down there in Atlanta tonight -- game four -- the starting pitcher
for the Yankees tonight is Kenny Rogers. And I believe the starting
pitcher for the Atlanta Braves is Garth Brooks.''


``It was good to see the Yankee bats come to life last night. I'll
tell you something -- in the first two games, they had fewer hits than
Vanilla Ice.''

``During the World Series game tonight, a man from Alabama has the
opportunity to win a million dollars. All this guy has to do --standing on
the pitchers mound, throw a baseball through a target at home plate and if
he does that, he wins a million dollars. If he misses, he wins $50,000.
And, if the ball goes over the backstop and into the crowd, he gets a
contract with the Mets.''


``In post-season play, the Yankees are 7-and-0 when they're not
playing at home. It's amazing! These guys score better on the road than
President Clinton.''


``So I'm watching the game last night and they're talking about the
New York Yankees having one of the strongest benches in baseball. And I'm
thinking, well, hell, they'd have to have a strong bench to support Don
Zimmer and Cecil Fielder.''




``By the way, if necessary, game seven of the World Series will be
played, Sunday, Oct. 27. And also if necessary, Election Day will be held,
Tuesday, Nov. 5.''


``Yesterday in Detroit, Bob Dole was screaming at a rally there and he
was saying that the reason he was doing so badly in the polls was because
of voter apathy....At least that's what he told the one guy who showed
up.''


``It's a big day in the garment industry. Ninety-five years ago today,
the first pair of boxer shorts were purchased...And as the shopkeeper was
wrapping them up, he said, Will there be anything else, Mr. Dole?'''


``Yesterday Clinton was in New Jersey and...he was heckled by this
woman. She was screaming at him. She was calling him a draft-dodging liar
who acts like a feminist.' And I thought Clinton...was thinking pretty
quick on his feet. He shot back at this woman screaming, he said,
Well, hey! You married me!'''


``I know why Hillary Clinton probably doesn't enjoy the game of golf.
Because for her, it's too much like work -- you know, being trapped in one
bad lie after another.''


``Tomorrow, Carnival Cruise Lines will launch the biggest cruise ship
in the world. To give you an idea how big this cruise ship is, it would
take Kathie Lee Gifford and Richard Simmons two weeks to annoy every
passenger on board.''

The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN, a production of Worldwide Pants
Incorporated, is broadcast weeknights (11:35 PM-12:37 AM, ET/PT) on the
CBS Television Network. Rob Burnett and Peter Lassally are executive
producers.



QUOTABLES FROM NBC'S `THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO'

(Monday-Friday, 11:35 p.m.-12:35 a.m. ET)


The following are quotes from Jay Leno's monologue for the week of

October 21, 1996:

``It is getting terrible out here on the West Coast. Today the
Governor asked for parts of Malibu to be declared a disaster area. Do you
realize the only thing in California that hasn't caught fire this week is
the Bob Dole campaign?''

``To make matters worse, California is now being sued by three of our
neighboring states -- Oregon, Arizona and Nevada. You know what they're
suing for? Secondhand smoke.''

``A new study just released today says that smoking may cause
blindness. See, that's why Dole is supporting the tobacco industry. He's
hoping people in the voting booth won't be able to see Clinton's name.''

``Only nine more days 'til Halloween. Clinton says he's going out in
the same disguise he wore last year. He's going as a Republican.''

``And more problems in the O.J. Simpson civil trail. Last week three
jurors were dismissed. That's gotta be rough, don't you think?
Imagine being told you're not qualified to hold down a job that pays
five dollars a day.''

``Well, the second O.J. trial starts tomorrow. Remember, this is best
of seven.''

``Today is the 117th anniversary of Thomas Edison inventing the
electric lightbulb. It is also the 117th anniversary of Mrs. Edison
saying, `But I don't want to do it with the lights on.'''

``The front office of the New York Jets have announced that if you're
going to wear a Jets jersey to any of the remaining home games, be
prepared to play.''

``Bob Dole's trying to get Ross Perot to drop out of the presidential
race to give Dole a chance to win. That seems kind of stupid, doesn't it?
You know, at this point, Clinton could drop out of the race, Dole still
wouldn't have a chance.''

``You know they have Dole masks and Clinton masks for Halloween? You
know there is a Dr. Kevorkian Halloween mask now. It's like all the other
masks except there's no air holes in it.''

``Daylight-saving time ends this week. We're gaining an hour. Or as
Dole supporters call it, prolonging the agony.''

QUOTABLES FROM NBC'S `LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN'

(Monday-Friday, 12:35-1:35 a.m. ET)


The following are highlights from Conan O'Brien's monologues on ``Late

Night with Conan O'Brien'' from October 22 to 25:

``Yesterday, the governor of Michigan said he believes that Bob Dole
is going to win the election. He also said he believes Dole will help
protect us from Big Foot.''

``Yesterday, Bob Dole blamed voter apathy as the reason he's so far
behind President Clinton. Unfortunately, a new poll shows people don't
really care about voter apathy.''

``Michael Jackson announced he's going to open a theme park that will
compete directly with EuroDisney. Apparently, at the entrance there will
be a sign that reads, `You must be this tall to ride Michael.'''

``In a recent interview Darryl Strawberry says that he's given up sex
until the end of the World Series. And in a show of solidarity all the
other Yankees have given up scoring.''

``According to today's New York Times, Republican congressional
candidates are now trying to distance themselves from Bob Dole. In fact,
one candidate's campaign slogan is `I stay up past nine o'clock.'''

``Earlier today President Clinton campaigned in Daytona Beach, Fla. As
a result, polls now show that he'll win the election and the wet T-shirt
contest.''

``Yankee manager Joe Torre's sister, who just happens to be a Catholic
nun, said that all week she's had her 400 students praying for the
Yankees. She also said the starving children of Somalia can wait until the
series is over.''

``It's been reported that John F. Kennedy Jr. and his new wife are
expecting a baby. Not only that but it's already been voted the `Country's
Most Eligible Fetus.'''

``Today, Ross Perot said that Bob Dole's request that he drop out of
the race is `weird and inconsequential.' Then Perot added, `And so am
I.'''

``Earlier today Bob Dole visited Las Vegas. Apparently, he wanted to
go someplace where he at least has a chance of winning.''

``It was reported today that a boxed seat for game six at Yankee
stadium will cost $2,500. Meanwhile, a seat in the bleachers will only
cost 50 bucks plus one night in the emergency room.''

``The latest rumor is that Bob Dole had a mistress during his first
marriage. When asked about it, Dole said, `What happened between me and
Betsy Ross is no one's business.'''

QUOTABLES FROM `WEEKEND UPDATE' ON NBC'S `SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'

(Saturday, 11:30 p.m.-1 a.m. ET)

The following are highlights from ``Weekend Update'' on NBC's

``Saturday Night Live'' (Saturday, Oct. 26):

``And now, the fake news ... ``

``Earlier tonight, the New York Yankees defeated the Atlanta Braves
3-2 to win the 1996 World Series. As a result, Atlanta Mayor Bill Campbell
will send a bushel of delicious Georgia peaches to New York Mayor Rudolph
Giuliani. Had the Braves won, Mayor Giuliani would have sent Mayor
Campbell a bushel of delicious New York crack.''

``An independent study released this week confirms that President
Clinton has appointed more minorities to high-level government posts than
any other president. For purposes of the study, women were counted as
minorities and Attorney General Janet Reno was counted as a woman.''

``At a campaign stop in Florida on Thursday, a frustrated Bob Dole
told a reporter, `Something's wrong with America. I wonder sometimes what
people are thinking about, if people are thinking at all.' At which point
the reporter said, `Can you repeat that, I was thinking about how I am
voting for Bill Clinton.'''

``This week presidential candidate Bob Dole sent his top campaign aide
to Dallas in an effort to convince Ross Perot to drop out of the race and
endorse the Dole ticket. Emerging from the two-hour meeting with Perot,
the aide announced, `I'm voting for Ross Perot.'''

``In the final days of the Bob Dole campaign, Bob Dole has $19 million
left to spend while President Clinton has more than $32 million. Dole
plans to use his $19 million for TV ads, radio spots and mass mailings,
while a confident President Clinton has allotted all of his $32 million to
a crooked Arkansas land scheme.''

``At his civil trial in Los Angeles this week, O.J. Simpson's
attorneys began their case with an attack on Nicole Brown Simpson's
character. Outraged Brown family lawyers responded, `Nicole is a victim,
no matter what she did. She certainly didn't cut her own throat.' To which
Simpson's attorneys replied, `On the contrary, that is precisely what we
intend to prove.'''

``A new study funded by tobacco giant Philip Morris claims that the
nicotine in cigarettes may actually help prevent Alzheimer's disease.
Executives at Phillip Morris caution that the study is not conclusive,
but just to be safe, everyone on earth should start smoking.''

``In Madison, Wis., a painting that depicts a large rat sucking at the
breast of the Virgin Mary was removed from a high school art display due
to complaints by local residents. The artist blamed the complaints on a
lack of art education, while I blame the complaints on the fact that it
was a painting of a large rat sucking the breast of the Virgin Mary.''

``In Topeka, Kan., the fire department is now using a new weapon to
fight arson, a black Labrador trained to sniff out chemicals used in
setting fires. Though it should be noted, if the dog is correct, the
culprit in every arson fire this month is some other dog's ass.''

``Pop singer Madonna was outraged this week when a tabloid
photographer snapped her picture while she was breast-feeding her new
baby. Apparently the baby was blocking her nipple.''



QUOTABLES FROM `WEEKEND UPDATE' ON NBC's `SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'

(Saturdays, 11:30 p.m.-1:00 a.m. ET)

The following are highlights from ``Weekend Update'' on NBC's

``Saturday Night Live'' (Saturday, Oct. 19):

``And now, the fake news ...''

``Bob Dole brought his struggling presidential campaign to New Jersey
vowing, in his words, to prove Yogi Berra was right when he said, `It
ain't over 'til it's over.' Reached for comment, Yogi Berra said, `It's
over.'''

``While jogging on the beach in San Diego this week, President Clinton
was berated by tourist Valerie Parker who shouted at him, `You're a
draft-dodging, yellow-bellied liar and you're a disgrace to the office of
the presidency, to your gender and to this nation!' --adding, `And I'm
still voting for you.'''

``According to a new CNN poll, Republican candidate Bob Dole has cut
President Clinton's lead from 17 to 15 points. A newly confident Dole says
that, at this rate, by election day he will be able to reach his ultimate
goal -- to lose by four points.''

``During a recent interview on `20/20,' longtime O.J. Simpson friend
Robert Kardashian said he now believes Simpson may be guilty. Though he
did add that, had he believed O.J. was guilty at the time, he would never
have agreed to hide his bloody clothes and knife.''

``This week, London tabloids reported that model Jerry Hall has filed
for divorce from Mick Jagger, ending a twenty-year relationship. Although
I'm sure this is a difficult time for Mick, it must be kind of exciting
after twenty years to finally get a chance to sleep with other women.''

``After a fifteen-year absence, the New York Yankees are back in the
World Series and some New Yorkers have come up with a novel way of
snagging those hard-to-come-by tickets: murdering guys with tickets and
stealing them.''

``In England, a much publicized videotape of a naked Princess Diana
having sex with her lover Captain James Hewitt has turned out to be a
fake. On the bright side, it's still a video of two naked people having
sex.''

``In Virginia, police are looking for a stripper who stabbed a man for
telling her she was too fat to strip. Police warn that the woman is armed
and extremely fat.''

``The New York Post reported last week that a prostitute charged with
leaving her four youngest children alone in their roach-infested Brooklyn
apartment had been under investigation for years as a negligent mother.
What's more, apparently the woman was also a really lousy prostitute.''

[SteveTimko]

OPENING REMARKS FROM THE ``LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN''
ON THE CBS TELEVISION NETWORK

(Monday, Oct. 28-Thursday, Oct. 31)
``This is our fourth Halloween in the Ed Sullivan Theater, and it's a
lot of fun. I love being in the theater on Halloween, and it happens every
year -- the audience always comes dressed as 461 people freezing.''


``You know you're in a lot of trouble on Halloween when your kid has
difficulty deciding which Menendez brother he'd like to dress up as.''


``Over the weekend down there in Atlanta, Richard Jewell received a
letter from the F.B.I. clearing him from any responsibility for the
Olympic Park bombing. However, Richard Jewell is still a suspect in the
Atlanta Braves blowing the World Series.''


``You know, throughout the Series, it was really a team victory, and
the team played so well, today, George Steinbrenner is really not sure who
he's going to fire.''


``At the game on Saturday...I could tell that things were over in the
eighth inning because Jane Fonda, in one of the box seats, was making out
with Joe DiMaggio.''


``And after the game -- you probably saw this -- Yankee third baseman
Wade Boggs was riding around Yankee Stadium on a police horse. Wasn't that
cool? And then, later, of course, John Wetteland and David Cone and Jimmy
Key were riding around on Cecil Fielder.''




``They're having the victory parade for the New York Yankees in the
Canyon of Heroes.' Now, here's how you get to the Canyon of Heroes.' You
go right down to the Avenue of the Crack Dealers,' then you turn right
into the Valley of the Purse Snatchers.' You go straight until you get to
the Boulevard of Hookers,' and then it's just on the right.''


``Mayor Giuliani is saying that this will be the biggest tickertape
parade in the history of New York City. And, I think this is kind of sad,
I don't know if this is fair. After the parade, the New York Mets have to
clean up.''


``In New York City (this) is how we honor our heroes. We march them up
Broadway and throw trash on them.''


``Everybody here in New York City has a touch of Yankee Fever. Down at
Grand Central (Terminal), there's a huge Yankee baseball shirt hanging
right there. The thing is about five feet wide and 25-30 feet long, and
so, Cecil Fielder, if you're watching, pick up your dry cleaning.''


``The city is saying now that it'll take three days for 600 Department
of Sanitation workers to clean up that mess. I was shocked! I was stunned!
New York City has a Department of Sanitation?''


``Yesterday, during the ceremony, Mayor Rudolph Giuliani presented the
keys to the city to members of the New York Yankees team. And to Cecil
Fielder, he gave him the keys to his refrigerator.''


``Less than a week away is Election Day, or as Bob Dole is calling it,
retirement.'''


``According to genealogists, there' a good chance that both Bob Dole
and President Bill Clinton are descended from royalty. That's interesting,
isn't it? The only thing that I thought President Clinton was from had a
Burger' in front of it.''





OPENING REMARKS FROM THE ``LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN'S
``FRIDAY NIGHTS ON THE ROAD''

ON THE CBS TELEVISION NETWORK

From Boston, Nov. 1
``Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Bill Parcells and welcome to
Lechmere's.''


``It's a thrill to be here because this whole experience reminds me of
when I was in college. You know, Friday night, I don't have a date. Same
kind of deal.''


``I'll tell you what we'll do right now. Everybody, let's have some
fun. Get up, we'll run across the bridge and we'll beat the crap out of
some snotty Harvard punks!''


``You know, you people who live here in Boston and go to school in
this beautiful city, it's an amazing place. And, of course, it's the
birthplace of many, many historical quotations like, The British are
coming!' right here in Boston. Don't fire until you see the whites of
their eyes,' right here in Boston. Do these clams taste funny?' right here
in Boston.''


``Every city has drawbacks. For example, New York City, you have
crime, you have violence, you have garbage. Here in Boston, you know, you
have Alan Dershowitz.''


``I was driving in from Logan Airport last night, and it's beautiful.
I took the Ted Williams Tunnel. And in New York City, we have something
similar. We have the Bill Buckner toll booth. For $3.50, you drive right
through his legs.''


``But, you know, since I've been in town, I've done a lot of touristy
things. Last night -- this was fun, a lot of fun, you know, you get that
Boston experience -- I went to a bar and stepped over a Kennedy.''

The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN, a production of Worldwide Pants
Incorporated, is broadcast weeknights (11:35 PM-12:37 AM, ET/PT) on the

CBS Television Network. Rob Burnett is the executive producer.

QUOTABLES FROM NBC'S `THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO'

(Mondays-Fridays, 11:35 p.m.-12:35 a.m. ET)


The following are quotes from Jay Leno's monologues for the week of
October 28:


``Richard Jewell ... has been cleared by the FBI. We did a lot of
jokes. I want to apologize to that guy. Remember we called him the
`una-dufus?' So, since he's cleared, I personally apologize, Richard, if
you're watching. And this has nothing to do with the fact that if he wins
this lawsuit with NBC, he'll be my new boss.''

``I saw O.J. on the news tonight. Did you see the costume he had on?
He was wearing a black knit sweatsuit, he had a knit cap, he had gloves,
he had these Bruno Magli shoes on. I guess he figured, `Hey, nobody
recognized me the last time, I'll wear it again.'''

``Here's a Halloween dilemma. Do you eat the Halloween candy from
Kevorkian's house?''

``Looks like Bob Dole is starting to get a little desperate. Have you
seen his latest campaign poster? See what they're doing now? They're
printing his picture upside down so it looks like he's smiling.''

``Since the O.J. trial is not being televised, the E! channel is
planning to recreate the trial everyday using the actual transcripts and
having actors play all the parts. Here's the sad part. Today Kato Kaelin
auditioned to play himself and didn't get it.''

``According to a Nickelodeon poll, if the kids could vote, they would
re-elect Bill Clinton. You can see why kids relate to Clinton.
He likes sneaking out of the house whenever he can, his favorite food
is McDonald's, gets caught lying all the time. Of course kids are gonna
vote for him.''

``The reigning Miss Canada has been arrested for punching out another
woman in a bar fight ... A beauty pageant contestant who can fight. That
sounds like Mike Tyson's worst nightmare, doesn't it?''

``So the Jets are now 1-8. They're on a streak! These Jets players are
pretty confident. Today they said they plan to win a game next year,
too.''

``Daylight savings time is stupid, 'cause you don't gain an hour. I
mean by the time you reset the VCR, the clock, the microwave, your watch,
you've lost an hour and a half. You don't gain any hours, you spent the
hour just trying to fix everything.''

``In Japan, a woman has been arrested for making 16,000 harassing
phone calls. She broke the old record held by an AT&T marketing guy trying
to get people to switch.''

``A lot of controversy coming out over this campaign financing.
They're investigating this gardener ... who gave $425,000 to the Clinton
campaign. What kind of gardener has $425,000? What crop do you think this
guy is growing? Maybe the same kind Clinton isn't inhaling?''

QUOTABLES FROM NBC'S `LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN'

(Monday-Friday, 12:35-1:35 a.m. ET)


The following are highlights from Conan O'Brien's monologues on ``Late

Night with Conan O'Brien'' from October 29 to November 1:

``On Sunday, Yankee manager Joe Torre got a congratulatory call from
President Clinton. Meanwhile, Bob Dole called the Atlanta Braves and Ross
Perot called the cast of `3rd Rock from the Sun.'''

``In a recent poll President Clinton was voted the candidate that
would be the most fun to go on vacation with. Meanwhile, Bob Dole was
voted the candidate who is going to have the most time to go on
vacation.''

``Today over 3.5 million people from all over the state gathered in
the streets of New York to celebrate winning the World Series. The most
popular chants of the day were `Go Yankees!' and `2,4,6,8, where the hell
do we urinate?'''

``In a new Playboy interview Mike Wallace said that he smoked
marijuana and that it acted as an aphrodisiac. Meanwhile, in a separate
interview Morley Safer said that he'll never smoke pot with Mike Wallace
again.''

``It's Fashion Week here in New York. Which means if you see a
6-foot-tall blond in heels, this time it may not be a man.''

``Three million people attended yesterday's Yankee celebration. Today,
Mayor Giuliani said, `You don't usually see crowds this big in New York
unless it's to watch someone being beaten to death.'''

``Scientists say that by the year 2001 robot soldiers will be
commonplace in the Army. Apparently, the next four years will be spent
making sure none of the robots are gay.''

``The creators of Barney have threatened to sue 450 costume shops for
copyright violations. Barney explained, `I love you, but that doesn't mean
I won't ruin you financially.'''

``Yesterday, Bob Dole said that if he does lose the election it will
be because it's God's will. Unfortunately, earlier today God endorsed
President Clinton.''

``Yesterday morning, Bob Dole visited the Lincoln Memorial because he
said he needed a little inspiration. Then today, in a last-ditch campaign
effort, he came out against slavery.''

``This weekend a movie version of `Romeo & Juliet' is coming out
that's set in the present day -- it's got all current references. For
example, this time Juliet tries to commit suicide by enlisting the help of
Dr. Kervorkian.''

``Yesterday, Bob Dole said that five days is plenty of time to win the
election because we won the Gulf War in five days. Then he launched two
scud missiles at Clinton's campaign bus.''

``It was reported today that Bob Dole is going all out. He will cover
15 states in the next five days. Dole explained, `And that's not easy to
do when your top speed on the highway is 30 miles per hour.'''

``Yesterday, Yankee owner George Steinbrenner announced that he's
thinking of selling stock in the Yankees. Meanwhile, the owners of the
Jets announced they're thinking of selling used cars.''

QUOTABLES FROM `WEEKEND UPDATE' ON NBC'S `SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'

(Saturdays, 11:30 p.m.-1 a.m. ET)

The following are highlights from ``Weekend Update'' on NBC's

``Saturday Night Live'' (Saturday, Nov. 2):

``And now, the fake news ... ``

``Yesterday, in a dramatic finish to his White House bid, Bob Dole
began a 96-hour, 15-state non-stop campaign tour that will take him right
up to election day. Political experts are calling the grueling marathon a
`last-ditch effort,' while medical experts are calling it a `suicide
attempt.'''

``At a rally in California this week, Dole urged voters to ignore
polls which have him trailing President Clinton by double digits. In
addition, Dole asked them to ignore newspaper headlines next Wednesday
that say, `Dole loses in a landslide.'''

``At an emotional press conference this week, a now exonerated Richard
Jewell spoke about his ordeal as the chief suspect in the Olympic Park
bombing. `I couldn't think straight, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat,' he
said, then later he admitted, `Alright, I could eat.'''

``In business news ... a British company has announced its intention
to purchase telecommunications giant MCI. This after MCI called the
British company's owner at home 5000 times.''

``Ballots will be mailed out next week in the election for president
of the teamsters union, with incumbent Ron Carey squaring off against
Jimmy Hoffa Jr. Hoffa is eager to follow in his father's footsteps, except
for that last footstep where he disappeared forever.''

``A French government survey finds that Disneyland Paris is the most
popular tourist attraction in the country. And the most popular ride?
`Women who don't shave their armpits of the Caribbean.'''

``At the Simpson civil trial this week, O.J. and Fred Goldman got into
an explosive shouting match. Mr. Goldman bellowed at O.J., `Don't give me
that damn look!,' while O.J. shouted back, `I wasn't even looking at you.
You're just mad because I killed your son.'''

``In the December issue of Playboy, `60 Minutes' reporter Mike Wallace
reveals that he has not only smoked marijuana, but that it made him
sexually aroused. According to Wallace, he made these comments in an
effort to frighten young people off from sex and drugs forever.''

``The New York Yankees are the 1996 World Series champs. And this week
over 3.5 million Yankee fans gathered on the streets of New York to honor
their heroes. While their fans were of different ages, race and religions,
they shared one thing in common ... they were all standing in urine.''

``The giant ticker-tape parade for the Yankees left nearly four tons
of confetti on Manhattan streets and sidewalks. But New York officials do
have a plan for dealing with the confetti -- leave it to soak up all that
urine.''

``In an interview this week, Bob Dole said he's strong enough to
handle the pain of losing the presidential election. Although he did admit
the shock of winning would give him a giant heart attack.''

[steve...@aol.com]

OPENING REMARKS FROM THE ``LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN''
ON THE CBS TELEVISION NETWORK

(Monday, Nov. 4-Thursday, Nov. 7)
``President Clinton...had 5,000 people at his victory party. Five
thousand people! And that was just the catering staff.''


``We have no details now about the Inaugural Ball. For example, we
don't know exactly where it will be, we don't know exactly what the
entertainment will be and we don't know who Clinton will be taking as a
date.''


``Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's the day after the presidential
election. How many of you watched the coverage last night on television?
Talk about suspense! Honest to God, I was glued to the television set
until, oh, 7:15-7:30.''


``I didn't get to see the rest of the coverage -- help me out here.
Last night, did they every find the guy who voted for Dole?''


``It was a quiet night at Dole headquarters. It was Dole and a few
volunteers and the fat lady singing.''


``Earlier today, President Clinton left Arkansas -- you know he had
been celebrating down in Arkansas -- and flew to Washington. It was an
emergency. Yeah, it was an emergency -- Clinton had eaten everything in
Arkansas.''


``Clinton's goal for the second term -- pretty much like every
American. You know, watch his weight, try to stay out of jail.''




``You've got to give Clinton credit. He's not resting on his laurels.
Earlier today, Clinton promised that in his second term, he will be named
in twice as many lawsuits.''


``Both candidates are taking the last couple of days of the campaign
very, very seriously. Dole, in the last 72 hours, has hardly slept and
Clinton has hardly slept around.''


``At the O.J. Simpson civil trial, an 18-year-old court intern claims
that O.J. Simpson was bothering her. Sexually harassing her, you know what
I mean? And it's interesting, O.J. said that he was just flirting with the
girl. He says he flirts with everybody and nobody has ever complained
before. Oh sure, if you don't count those 911 tapes.''


``As you know, over the weekend they held the annual New York City
Marathon and our congratulations to Giacomo Leone from Italy who won the
race this year...He covered the distance of 26 miles in two hours and 19
minutes and won, for his efforts, $30,000. And, coincidentally, that's
approximately what it would have cost him if he'd taken a cab.''

``This is the first time in 15 years I was unable to finish the
Marathon. I'll tell you what happened --I was watching it on television
and I got up to get some more root beer and I twisted my ankle.''


``There's an article coming out of England that Michael Jackson has
paid a woman to be artificially inseminated so that he can have a child.
This man, this Michael Jackson, is amazing. Think about this: he was
married for two years, is now expecting a child, and he's still a
virgin.''

``Friday Nights on The Road''

(Washington, D.C., Nov. 8)
``Before we kick off the big show tonight, let me just say one thing
to President Clinton. Mr. Clinton, David Brinkley is the David who thinks
you're boring. I'm the Dave who thinks you're fat.''






``You've got to give President Clinton a lot of credit. I mean, this
man, wasting no time, today holds a press conference announcing that he's
already shaken up his administration for his second term. Today he
announced that Christine Lahti, fine actress, will be replacing Hillary.''



``Here's what I did this afternoon. Since it was such a lovely day
here in Washington, I went over to the Smithsonian Institution. I saw
Lindbergh's plane, I saw the Apollo 8 spacecraft; I saw J.Edgar Hoover's
strapless cocktail dress.''


``Then, I went over to the Lincoln Memorial, and sitting on Abe's lap
was Dan Quayle. He was telling the president what he wanted for
Christmas.''


``You know, I don't care how nice a city is. Every city has its
drawbacks. For example, in New York City, your neighbor to the north, we
have crime, we have violence and we have garbage. Here in Washington, D.C.
-- Newt Gingrich.''


``The most exciting thing that's happened to me so far since I've been
in Washington, D.C. -- last night I met President Clinton...Here's the
best part -- it was not planned. It was a chance meeting. I'm staying at
the Marriott and in the middle of the night, he accidentally knocks on my
door!''

The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN, a production of Worldwide Pants
Incorporated, is broadcast weeknights (11:35 PM-12:37 AM, ET/PT) on the

CBS Television Network. Rob Burnett is the executive producer.

QUOTABLES FROM NBC'S 'THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO'

(Mondays-Fridays, 11:35 p.m.-12:35 a.m. ET)

The following are quotes from Jay Leno's monologue for the week of

Nov. 4, 1996:

``Of course the results are in. It looks like we've been sentenced to
four more years of Bill Clinton without a possibility of Perot.''

``You think you're anxious to get this election over with, you should
see Hillary. Tomorrow night, 12 o'clock, they let her out of the attic.
She can walk among us again.''

``As you probably know, today was the second day of his life that Bob
Dole got up, had nowhere to go, had absolutely nothing to do. He must feel
like he won the Vice Presidency.''

``You know who's getting married? Gennifer Flowers ... That's gotta be
tough for her new husband. Knowing that her last boyfriend became
President of the United States. How do you come home and go `Honey, they
made me assistant manager of the produce department!'''

``Here in California, voters passed a proposition that will legalize
the use of marijuana for medical purposes. Actually, supporters of the
measure are calling it a great grassroots victory.''

``You know what this means now? This means Willie Nelson is now
considered a health care professional.''

``The number one movie in the country, a modern-day version of `Romeo
and Juliet.' It was very '90s. They've updated it. Like at the end, he
drinks Zima, and she ends it all by dating O.J.''

``Very tragic story, 'Romeo and Juliet.' You know they both die at the
end. In fact today, Dr. Jack Kevorkian called it the `Feel good movie of
the season.'''

``This was in the paper today ... It was on the news, Michael Jackson
is going to become a father. Talk about beginner's luck.''

``Who is this woman? Where is Lisa Marie? She's probably thinking,
`Oh, if I didn't have to sleep with him, I would have had his baby, too!''

``Here's some happy news. Russian doctors have upgraded Boris
Yeltsin's condition from serious to just plain drunk.''

``More exciting news. This family-values thing for President Clinton
seems to be paying off. I guess you heard, Michael Jackson having a baby.
I think it's great. Now Madonna's kid will have somebody to go to therapy
with.''



QUOTABLES FROM NBC's 'LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN'
(Mondays-Fridays, 12:35-1:35 a.m. ET)

The following are highlights from Conan O'Brien's monologues on ``Late

Night with Conan O'Brien'' from November 6 to November 8:

``In his acceptance speech last night, President Clinton said he's
going to `build a bridge to the 21st century.' And Bob Dole said he'll be
playing bridge into the 21st century.''

``It was reported today that Barry Manilow is taking a year off to
write a Broadway show. My question is, taking a year off from what?''

``Michael Jackson is claiming he impregnated a woman not through
artificial insemination but through normal heterosexual intercourse. His
exact quote was: 'We didn't do it the artificial way we did it the icky
way.'''

``It was reported today that now that the election is over some top
government officials are going to be leaving. President Clinton said he'll
accept the resignation of the Secretary of State, the Chief of Staff, and
the First Lady.''

``Tuesday was the lowest voter turnout in a presidential election
since 1924. Which, coincidentally, was the last time Bob Dole ran for
president.''

``Michael Jackson is having a baby with one of his former nurses. They
talked to her and the woman said, 'I don't care if it's a boy, a girl, or
like Michael.'''

``Today President Clinton said he wants an aggressive agenda based on
what he's done over the past four years. Which means he'll have to get
involved in at least five more scandals.''

``A new book claims that 93-year-old Senator Strom Thurmond tried to
grope female Senator Patty Murray three years ago. When asked about it
Thurmond said, `I only did it because I was young and foolish.'''

``Yesterday, NASA sent up a spaceship, Global Surveyor, on a 10-month
mission to Mars. It was sent up with the hopes of finding a team that the
Jets can beat.''

``Yesterday, O.J. Simpson had to run out of the courtroom because he
was feeling nauseous. Apparently, he was overcome by the fact that he's
O.J. Simpson.''

[steve...@aol.com]

OPENING REMARKS FROM THE ``LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN''
ON THE CBS TELEVISION NETWORK

(Monday, Nov. 18-Thursday, Nov. 21)
From now on, American Airlines will have those defibrilators on
board...those heart-starting paddles...so the flight attendants will, if
you go out, be able to restart your heart -- but good luck getting a
second bag of peanuts.''


``You know, you think about it, those heart-starting paddles are
pretty, pretty convenient. Not only will they electronically restart your
heart, but they're excellent for reheating the in-flight lasagna.''


``New York City cab drivers will be fined $350 if they refuse to pick
up a passenger...Fine em $350 for not picking up a passenger? Well, why
don't you fine them $350 for not picking up deodorant?''


``A week ago Saturday, Bob Dole appeared on Saturday Night Live.' The
previous week, Bob Dole was actually on this program down in Washington,
D.C. Are you like me, ladies and gentlemen, are you beginning to get the
feeling that maybe Bob doesn't know the election is over?''


``President Clinton (is) vacationing now in Australia. Over the
weekend, he was in Hawaii, and -- I guess this happens a lot, I don't
know, I've never been to Hawaii -- President Clinton attends a luau and
the chef tries to stuff an apple in his mouth.''


``I feel bad for President Clinton. That's a tough situation there in
Hawaii, you know. He sees those women in grass skirts, and he doesn't know
whether to smoke them or chase them.''



``They're criticizing the president now because he took a golf pro
with him on vacation. That's not true, believe me. I looked in the
newspapers. I saw the photos. It's the same entourage that the president
always travels with -- himself, three fry cooks and a couple a hookers.''



``Bad news, I guess, for O.J. Simpson out there in Santa Monica. In
the civil suit against him, the prosecution will not be able to play the
Mark Fuhrman tapes in front of the jury. You know, the tapes in which Mark
Fuhrman uses racial slurs? However, those tapes will be played at the next
Texaco board meeting.''


``Tomorrow, in the civil case out there in Santa Monica, O.J. Simpson
will actually testify -- first time, actually take the stand. Are you like
me -- do you get the feeling that when O.J. puts his hand on the Bible, it
might not fit?''


``Earlier this week out in Los Angeles -- this is unbelievable --there
was a $50 a plate fundraising banquet for O.J. Simpson...I understand it
was a lovely party. First, they had cocktails and then the guests were
invited to follow the trail of blood into the dining room.''


``But, I think the highlight of the evening -- and, by the way, they
raised $5,000 at this fundraiser for O.J. Simpson -- I think the most
exciting part, of course, was when they auctioned off the murder weapon.''


``Last week, Michael Jackson, of course, married the woman who is
carrying his child -- in Australia, I believe. Very, very touching
ceremony. The justice of the peace said, All right, you may now kiss the
bride, and then she lifted his surgical mask.'''


``You know, over the weekend, the New York Post published photos of
Michael Jackson's new wife topless. Topless! So there you go, once again,
we all get to see her naked before he does.''


``Debbie, Michael's wife, was actually married once before. This is
her second marriage. Her first husband was a chemistry professor. So, it's
interesting to me, she's gone now from a science teacher to a science
project.''


``Tomorrow is the Great American Smokeout. You know what that is
--people try to quit smoking cigarettes for 24 hours. Michael Jackson is
even in the spirit. Michael Jackson has promised that he will not smoke a
cigarette right after he does not have sex.''


``I think this is also encouraging. Executives at Texaco have promised
that for the next 24 hours, they will try not to light up a cross.''
OPENING REMARKS FROM THE ``LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN's
FRIDAY NIGHTS ON THE ROAD'''

(Miami, Nov. 22)
``Good evening, I'm Jimmy Johnson. This damn dandruff is killing me!''


``I haven't been here, geez, since I guest starred on Miami Vice' as
Guido the pimp.'''


``This is a true story -- I almost didn't make it here tonight. It's
my own dumb fault -- here's what happened. I had three cups of that Cuban
coffee and, I want to tell you something, I spent four hours in detox.''


``Last weekend, we, of course, did the show from Chicago. Listen to
this -- I ran into former Dolphins linebacker Brian Cox in Chicago. And, I
said to him, Brian, you know, we're going to Miami next weekend.' And he
said, Oh, well give everybody the finger for me.'''


``Since we've been in Miami, we've had a great time. Last night we
went to the dog track. That was a lot of fun. Listen to this -- in the
middle of the third race, the dogs leave the track and go sniff the crowd
for drugs.''


``I had no idea it was going to be this hot, ladies and
gentlemen...Tonight, right here, I'm sweatin' more than O.J. Simpson on
the witness stand!''


``Before we begin the program, let's do a little something together.
This will bring us together as a group. I'll tell you what let's do --
let's go rent some boats and just kick Castro's ass!''

The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN, a production of Worldwide Pants
Incorporated, is broadcast weeknights (11:35 PM-12:37 AM, ET/PT) on the

CBS Television Network. Rob Burnett is the executive producer.

QUOTABLES FROM NBC'S `THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO'

(Monday-Friday, 11:35 p.m.-12:35 a.m. ET)


The following are quotes from Jay Leno's monologue for the week of

November 18, 1996:


``Today, Brian `Kato' Kaelin was back on the witness stand in the O.J.
civil trial. In fact this is the first time in his acting career Kato's
ever gotten a callback.''

``Here's something interesting. This guy in England set a new world
record by balancing 100 bricks on his head. It's nice to see Prince
Charles finally doing something with his life.''

``According to the tabloids, I guess Michael Jackson and his new bride
had their first fight last night. I guess she wanted to spend the wedding
night together in the hotel room, and Michael just wanted to go out with
the boys.''

``Now that voters in California have voted to legalize marijuana for
medical use, growers of marijuana are now starting to advertise their
product on TV. At least here in California. In fact they've signed Candice
Bergen as their new `dime-a-bag' lady.''

``Doctors treating Boris `buy me a drink' Yeltsin says his appetite
has improved significantly since his operation. They say now he's putting
two olives in all his drinks.''

``O.J.'s gonna testify at his civil trail on Friday. I hope he can
manage raising his right hand when he's sworn in. Have you noticed how his
arthritis flares up whenever there's a jury around?''

``More controversy in the O.J. Simpson civil trail. Yesterday Kato
Kaelin took the stand. Word is he may have committed perjury. Apparently
he gave his occupation as `actor.'''

``This week the New York Post published topless photos of Michael
Jackson's new bride. Boy, that's embarrassing, huh? We've seen her naked
and Michael hasn't.''

``The World Health Organization says smoking is now three times worse
than previously thought. That's pretty bad, considering it was previously
thought to kill you.''

``Magician David Copperfield is opening up a chain of his own
restaurants. It'll be like the Hard Rock, but with a magic theme ... You
really want your waiter pulling the special of the day out of his pants?
`Pigeon Cacciatore, ladies and gentlemen.'''

``Tomorrow the smash hit movie `Independence Day' is gonna be released
on video. Tomorrow O.J. is scheduled to finally take the stand and tell
his side of the story at his civil trial. So if you like science fiction,
it's gonna be a big day.''

QUOTABLES FROM NBC'S `LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN'

(Monday-Friday, 12:35-1:35 a.m. ET)


The following are highlights from Conan O'Brien's monologues on ``Late

Night with Conan O'Brien'' from November 19 to 22:

``It was reported today that Mark Fuhrman will not be allowed to
testify in O.J. Simpson's civil trial. After hearing about it, Fuhrman
said, `It's just as well, I'm really busy with my job at Texaco.'''

``With the launch of the space shuttle today, 61-year-old Story
Musgrove becomes the oldest astronaut ever. He agreed to the flight after
his doctor said it was okay and his wife promised to tape `Matlock.'''

``Scientists in Coppenhagen have found a new way to keep beer from
going stale. It involves placing the beer within a five-mile radius of Ted
Kennedy.''

``It's been reported that Michael Jackson's new bride is going to have
natural childbirth. She said, `The only time I needed drugs was during the
child's conception.'''

``Yesterday, Pamela Anderson Lee filed for divorce from her husband,
rocker Tommy Lee. Pamela said she's really sorry things didn't work out,
and Tommy said he's really sorry he tattooed her name on his penis.''

``A consumer group has come out with its annual list of the 10 most
dangerous toys. Number one on the list is an anatomically correct Michael
Jackson doll.''

``A hotel in New Zealand is auctioning off items Michael Jackson used
during a recent visit. They're auctioning off two pillowcases, a bathrobe,
and three bellboys.''

``Yesterday, because of ties to organized crime, one of New York's
most popular strip clubs was closed down. The shutdown came after the
longest stakeout in FBI history.''

``In a new international study, kids from Singapore ranked first on
math tests while kids from the United States ranked below average. Experts
are recommending that either more money be spent on education or that our
kids should start sitting next to kids from Singapore.''

``Just before Christmas a new book is coming out that was written by
the Pope. It's expected to do very well because the title is, `Buy This
Book or You'll Go to Hell.'''

``Pamela Anderson told her friends that she's divorcing rocker Tommy
Lee because she caught him cheating on her. Not with another woman, but
with their car's air bag.''

``Today for the first time ever, O.J. Simpson took the stand and
testified before a jury. When asked if he was nervous he said, `A little.
It's my first acting job in over two years.'''

``A high-ranking CIA agent has been arrested for selling secrets to
Russia. Apparently, because of him, the Russians knew three months ago
that Pamela Lee and Tommy Lee were getting a divorce.''

``Yesterday on `Oprah,' the-artist-formerly-known-as-Prince revealed
that he has two people living inside him. Then Oprah said, `I have two
people inside me too, and they were delicious!'''

QUOTABLES FROM `WEEKEND UPDATE' ON NBC'S `SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'

(Saturdays, 11:30 p.m.-1 a.m. ET)


The following are highlights from ``Weekend Update'' on NBC's

``Saturday Night Live'' (Saturday, Nov. 23):

``Hello, I'm Norm MacDonald. And now, the fake news ... ``

``Last week, at a dramatic press conference about the crash of TWA
Flight 800, ABC news correspondent Pierre Salinger displayed a document
which he believes is proof the jet was shot down by a U.S. Navy missile.
Later, he proudly showed reporters his solid-gold Rolex he bought on the
street for just fifteen dollars.''

``Actress Sherry Stringfield announced this week that she's leaving
the hit series `ER.' Several actors have already expressed great interest
in the part including Shelly Long and David Caruso.''

``After `Space Jam's' smash opening last weekend, Michael Jordan's
promoters have good reason to turn him into a movie star. Apparently
there's still some money in the world he doesn't have yet.''

``On Tuesday, the space shuttle Columbia began a 16-day mission with a
crew that includes astronaut Story Musgrove -- at 61, the oldest person
ever in space. NASA Command Center has already spotted the shuttle
circling the earth at fifteen miles an hour with the left blinker on.''

``Last weekend, in a dramatic rescue off the coast of Long Island,
fishermen pulled a 300-pound man from frigid waters. They were alerted by
his desperate cries of 'Help! Help! I'm starving!'''

``This week in Los Angeles civil court, an FBI expert testified that
shoe prints left by the killer exactly match shoes belonging to O.J.
Simpson. In response, O.J. stood up and exclaimed, `Wait a minute. Wait a
doggone minute. I just figured it out. The real killer is me!''

``In order to cut down on in-flight fatalities, American Airlines has
decided to upgrade the medical kits on all its planes. Each kit will now
contain common life-saving drugs, a heart defibrillator, and a spare
plane.''

``A Connecticut hotel where Bill Clinton spent the night has donated
to a charity auction a bagel the president ordered from room service but
never ate. Though potential bidders should be advised ... while the
president never actually ate the bagel, he did have, quote, `relations'
with it.''


Rodney Dangerfield on ``Weekend Update'':

``Three years ago, I got married. And I tell ya, I got a good woman. I
got a woman who loves me for my money and my fame, and not for what I
am.''

[steve...@aol.com]

Monologue jokes compiled from CBS and NBC press releases.

OPENING REMARKS FROM THE ``LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN'' ON THE
CBS TELEVISION NETWORK

(Monday, Nov. 25-Friday, Nov. 29)
``This year here's what I did -- Instead of having everybody to the
house for Thanksgiving dinner, I took them out. I took my entire family
out to dinner. I think they really enjoyed it. I think they had a great
time. You know, I think they especially liked those little plastic
pilgrims you get with the Happy Meals.''


``I think Thanksgiving has gotten too commercialized. I think it's
gotten too silly, I think it's gotten too show-bizzy...for example, my
turkey today had breast implants.''


``Did you watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade? The Fat Albert
balloon sprung a leak and at the last minute was replaced by Yankee first
baseman Cecil Fielder.''


``Here is kind of a sad Thanksgiving Day story. Today, during
Thanksgiving dinner, New York Jets quarterback Frank Reich was passing the
gravy and it was intercepted and run back for a touchdown.''


``A lot of movies are opening for the holidays -- `101 Dalmatians,'
`Jingle All the Way,' the Star Trek movie. And, Barbra Streisand is now
directing a movie starring Rush Limbaugh that will be released towards the
next holiday season. It's `The Mirror Has Six Chins.' ''


``According to a new survey by Money magazine, the most violent city
in America is Newark, N.J. And, I'm thinking, this is not fair. I mean,
think about it -- just because a body washes up in Newark, doesn't mean it
was killed there.''


``You can tell that we're getting very, very close to Thanksgiving.
Earlier today, out in front of the White House, a giant, a huge tanker
truck pulled up delivering President Clinton's gravy.''


``President Clinton, of course, is just back from a two, three week
tour of the Pacific Rim and he's still denying charges that he was
traveling with a golf pro. Here's what was going on. He was traveling with
a pro, all right, but her specialty was not golf.''


``President Clinton and his family had a 40-pound turkey. That's like
a 4-year-old child, ladies and gentlemen! President Clinton had a 40-pound
turkey! This guy eats so much on Thanksgiving, his gravy boat has the word
`Carnival' on it.''


``By the first of the year, there will be two area codes here in New
York City...and I was surprised because I thought we already have two area
codes here in Manhattan? I mean, we have 212 and then we have 911.''


``So far this season, the 1996 NFL season, the New York Jets are
1-and-11. It has gotten so bad that next week's game against the Oilers at
the Meadowlands has been replaced by a flea market.''


``A woman in the Netherlands gave birth to twin boys. Did you read
about this? One of the twins is black; one of the twins is white. Doctors
unbelievably confused, they have no idea how this happened. However, they
all agree this will be a hell of a sitcom for the Fox Network.''


``Last night, police were called to O.J. Simpson's house because of a
prowler. The police actually believe that it was the prowler who called
them when he figured out where he was.''


``According to an article in Time magazine, O.J. now is very
depressed...O.J. is so depressed, he sits around the house brooding all
day because he can't earn money. You know, that's a big problem for him
and it's got him down a little bit. And I was thinking about this, well,
let's see. He's 50 years old, he's a former football player with
arthritis. You know, he could still play for the Jets.''


``Earlier tonight, right here on CBS, you probably saw this. It was
the second half, the final installment of the made-for-TV movie `In Cold
Blood,' a remake of the original movie made of the Truman Capote
novel...It's about these two desperate killers who are executed because
they couldn't afford Johnnie Cochran.''


``You can tell that we're getting very close to Thanksgiving, can't
you? Earlier today in court, O.J. Simpson was carved up by three
attorneys.''


``It looks like more good news for the Big Apple. Former O.J. Simpson
defense attorney Johnnie Cochran is moving to New York City. That's right!
He's going to open one of those theme restaurants up on 57th Street. I
believe it's called `The Shyster Cafe.' ''


``Time magazine says that O.J. Simpson is depressed now. He sits
around the house all day brooding and he does not have a steady
relationship. Man, I want to tell you something! This is scary. I didn't
kill anybody and I'm like that now.''

The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN, a production of Worldwide Pants
Incorporated, is broadcast weeknights (11:35 PM-12:37 AM, ET/PT) on the

CBS Television Network. Rob Burnett is the executive producer.

QUOTABLES FROM NBC'S `LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN'

(Monday-Friday, 12:35-1:35 a.m. ET)


The following are highlights from Conan O'Brien's monologues on ``Late

Night with Conan O'Brien'' from November 26 to November 29:

``Yesterday on the witness stand, O.J. Simpson denied ever taking and
flunking a lie detector test. However, he did say he'd be more than happy
to flunk another test and deny that.''

``The New York Police Department announced that they will not
participate in this year's `Toys for Guns' exchange program. Apparently, a
lot of the officers weren't happy with the toys they got last year.''

``Pamela Anderson says that since she broke up with rocker Tommy Lee
she's been spending time at her parents. Meanwhile, Tommy Lee says that
since the breakup he's been spending time in the supermarket produce
section.''

``In a recent interview, Sharon Stone said that if President Clinton
were single she'd be on him `like white on rice.' Then Hillary called her
to say it would be more like white on Minute Rice.''

``In an interview for Rolling Stone magazine, Dennis Rodman said that
when he plays his last NBA game he wants to play it in the nude.
Meanwhile, the rest of the NBA said they want to retire before Dennis
Rodman.''

``It was reported today that John Wayne Bobbit has become a born-again
Christian. Bobbit said, `The moment I found religion was almost as
uplifting as the moment they found my penis.'''

``Today is Thanksgiving. It's the one day of the year when we get
together with our entire family and give thanks that we only get together
with our entire family once a year.''

``Each giant helium balloon in the Macy's parade has about 50 handlers
to keep it from going out of control. Which is actually the same deal
Robert Downey Jr. has.''

``When I was walking around Times Square yesterday it really felt like
Thanksgiving. I noticed several people celebrating the holiday by sitting
in their own gravy.''

``The first Thanksgiving was celebrated in 1621 by the Pilgrims and
the Native Americans. Apparently, the Pilgrims brought the food and the
Native Americans brought the slot machines.''

``Claudia Schiffer, Pamela Anderson and Jenny McCarthy, all beautiful
women, all have 1997 calendars coming out that feature nearly nude
pictures. Even better news ... I don't.''

``According to People magazine, 80 percent of Americans know who
Kathie Lee Gifford is. Apparently, the other 20 percent are suffering from
repressed memory syndrome.''

[steve...@aol.com]

Compiled from NBC press releases.

QUOTABLES FROM NBC'S `THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO'

(Monday-Friday, 11:35 p.m.-12:35 a.m. ET)


The following are quotes from Jay Leno's monologue for the week of

December 2, 1996:

``An estimated 50 million Americans will shop by phone this year. The
sad news is it's on their car phone while they're driving around looking
for a space.''

``A little 8-year-old Pittsburgh girl was so disappointed when Bob
Dole lost the election, she wrote him a consolation letter. Yesterday Dole
picked up the phone to call the girl and thank her. In fact, Dole said he
would send her an autographed photo and a carton of cigarettes.''

``Madeline Albright was chosen to be the next Secretary of State.
Which would make her the highest-ranking woman in the history of the
United States government. I'll tell you something, it's still very sexist.
I mean the first time a woman is named to a high post and they still make
her a secretary.''

``Former Vice President Dan Quayle is gearing up to run for president
in the year 2000. In preparation, he has moved from Indianapolis to
Arizona. Not for political reasons, it's just easier to spell.''

``Quayle says his plan is to build a Lego bridge to the 21st
century.''

``Sources close to Quayle say that a large number of people want him
to run for president in the year 2000. I believe they're called
Democrats.''

``Well you know what's going to happen now. Because of this movie,
every kid for Christmas is gonna want a Dalmation puppy. I mean that same
thing happened last year. Remember when `Showgirls' came out? Every guy
had to have one. You couldn't get a lap dance.''

``A medical study done in Norway says that coffee made with metal
filters can cause heart disease. Isn't that ironic? You put years of hard
labor into a stressful job, turns out the coffee break is what's killing
you.''

``For those of you that have not sent Michael Jackson a wedding gift
yet, you might wanna hold off. ... Michael Jackson's new wife is
considering filing for divorce. I wonder what happened! They seemed so in
love! This is gonna ruin my faith in sham marriages now.''

``Delta Airlines is considering buying Continental Airlines. Here's my
question. If one airline buys another airline, do they get discount if
they buy it two weeks in advance?''

``General Motors unveiled its new electric car today, the EV1. You
know how it works? You just plug the whole car into the cigarette
lighter.''

QUOTABLES FROM `WEEKEND UPDATE' ON NBC'S `SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'

(Saturdays, 11:30 p.m.-1 a.m. ET)


The following are highlights from ``Weekend Update'' on NBC's

``Saturday Night Live'' (Saturday, Dec. 7):

``And now, the fake news ... ``

``This week President Clinton made history when he nominated Madeline
Albright to be the first female Secretary of State. Responding to critics
who say she's not the best choice, the President insisted, `She looks a
lot better after a couple of drinks.'''

``With growing indications that First Lady Hillary Clinton may be
indicted for her role in Whitewater, President Clinton is reportedly
starting to prepare for that possibility. Plans so far include renting a
hall, hiring a band and making a giant bathtub with margaritas.''

``The New York Post has reported that Michael Jackson wants his
closest friend, Elizabeth Taylor, to be the godmother of his child.
However, those close to the pair worry this could eventually lead to
heated arguments over whether the child will be molested or eaten.''

``According to researchers in Australia, Koala bears have fingerprints
so close to those of humans they could easily be mistaken by police at the
scene of a crime. It should be noted, however, the research was funded by
O.J. Simpson.''

``And it's been reported that Keanu Reeves is engaged to actress
Amanda DeCadenet. Asked to comment, Keanu said, `What? I thought I was
gay.'''

``Jonathon Schmitz, the `Jenny Jones' guest who killed his secret gay
admirer because of his disgust at the idea of homosexuality, has been
sentenced to 25 years in prison. In my opinion, this is a classic case of
a plan backfiring.''

``This week, Donald Trump announced that he won $20 million by betting
on Evander Holyfield in his recent fight with Mike Tyson. Trump says he
went public with his huge gambling win just in case there are a few people
out there who still don't hate him.''

``According to a new study, the less a woman weighs when she is born,
the lower her chance of getting breast cancer later in life. The study was
performed by the Center for Stuff You Can't Do Anything About.''

``In Amsterdam, a rubber factory has begun producing waterbeds for
cows. Let that be a reminder to anyone who wants to legalize marijuana
here in the United States.''

[steve...@aol.com]

Compiled from CBS and NBC press releases

OPENING REMARKS FROM THE ``LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN''
ON THE CBS TELEVISION NETWORK

(Monday, Dec. 23-Friday, Dec. 27)
I think New Yorkers are actually getting sick and tired of Christmas.
Today, I saw a guy tossing out his Christmas tree -- from the 35th
floor.''


``I have an announcement from the New York City Department of
Sanitation. If you want your Christmas tree picked up, here's what you do.
Take all of the ornaments, take all of the festive trimming, all of the
garlands, all of the tinsel, all of the multicolored lights --take all of
that stuff off the Christmas tree. Then you take it outside onto the curb
and you place it right next to last year's Christmas tree.''


``Big Christmas down in Washington, D.C. I don't know what's going on,
but President Clinton buys Hillary for Christmas a book about baseball.
Isn't that odd? And here's the strange part about it -- for Joe Torre, he
bought a black lace teddy.''


``Mayor Giuliani is very excited about something because...New York
City has a chance at finishing 1996 with fewer than a thousand homicides.
Ladies and gentlemen, here's my promise to you: if, at 11:30 New Year's
Eve, we have 999, I will personally go down to Times Square and whack Dick
Clark.''


``Ladies and gentlemen, here's good news for frequent flyers. United
Airlines, for the second year in a row, was voted Best Airline Food.'
That's right, Best Airline Food.' And, I thought, man, what a wonderful
honor! That's like being named M.V.P. on the Jets.''


``Let me remind you of one thing, especially here in New York City. If
you have clothing you're not going to use, if you have canned goods you're
not going to use, make sure that those go to somebody less fortunate than
you are and, especially here in New York City, specify either Rich Kotite
of the Jets or Dan Reeves of the Giants before you send it out.''




``The Jets , God bless em, finished their 1996 season -- let me see
if I have the record right here --the Jets finished their season 1-and-15.
And, you know, Friday before the last game of the season, their coach Rich
Kotite called a press conference and he announced to the assembled New
York media, he said, I have not been fired. I am not quitting. I am
stepping down.' Hard to believe this guy had difficulty communicating with
his players, isn't it?''


``The big story coming out of Los Angeles -- you probably read about
this last week -- a supermarket cashier now claims to be pregnant with
Christopher Darden's child. Isn't that amazing! Well, Chris, if you're
watching, pal, maybe you should have spent a little more time trying to
nail O.J.''


``Boy, Christopher Darden was surprised when he found out that this
woman was pregnant. He was really, really surprised. You know, apparently
that glove didn't fit either.''


``Have you seen O.J. Simpson lately? Man, this guy has ballooned! This
guy has had some trouble in his life recently. He's put on some weight.
He's really gotten fat. But you know he doesn't worry about it. O.J.
Simpson doesn't worry about a weight problem because, when he gets fat,
then all he does is lie his ass off.''

The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN, a production of Worldwide Pants
Incorporated, is broadcast weeknights (11:35 PM-12:37 AM, ET/PT) on the

CBS Television Network. Rob Burnett is the executive producer.

QUOTABLES FROM NBC'S `THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO'

(Monday-Friday, 11:35 p.m.-12:35 a.m. ET)


The following are quotes from Jay Leno's monologue for the week of

December 23, 1996:

``Here we are day after Christmas. How many men still have some
shopping left to do?''

``Here's another question for you. You know that Tickle Me Elmo doll
you bought for Christmas? Still think it's worth $1200 now?''

``Yesterday on the news they showed footage of President Clinton
shopping at a jewelry store in Washington. I understand he bought some
really expensive gifts for his loved ones. Those Indonesian businessmen,
they are tough to shop for.''

``The President's staff got him an exercise bike for Christmas. They
said in the paper today the bike was specially designed for President
Clinton. That means it only backpedals.''

``Yesterday a group of men in Washington, D.C., re-enacted George
Washington's crossing of the Delaware River. Back then it was freezing
cold, of course there was no food, and they didn't know if they'd make it
alive. So in a sense, this was the very first Carnival Cruise.''

``Unbelievable bad weather all across the country. Snow was so deep in
Michigan this week Dr. Kevorkian had to revive a couple of dead passengers
to help push his suicide van out of the snow.''

``Here's a shocker. The head coach of the New York Jets resigned
today. What a surprise!''

``According to a new sports survey, the most-used name for college
football teams is `Tigers.' Anybody know the least-used name for college
football? `Graduates.'''

``This week TV executives gave final approval to a ratings system that
rates programs for sexual content and violence. The shows are gonna be
rated with a little symbol in the corner of the screen within 15 seconds
after the show begins. Fifteen seconds? By that time every character on
`Melrose Place' has slept with every other character.''

``Do you know what Michael Jackson calls the Tickle Me Elmo doll?
Bait!''

``RuPaul told Interview magazine it takes him an hour and a half to
turn himself into a woman. So guys, next time you ask a woman out and she
says, `Oh it's gonna take me about an hour and a half to get ready,' you
could be in for a big surprise.''

QUOTABLES FROM NBC'S `LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN'

(Monday-Friday, 12:35-1:35 a.m. ET)


The following are highlights from Conan O'Brien's monologues on ``Late

Night with Conan O'Brien'' from December 26 to December 27:

``Today is December 26, the day after Christmas. Which means that all
around the country people spent the day returning Michael Jordan's new
cologne.''

``The Pope turned down Madonna's request to meet with her while she
was in Rome for the premiere of `Evita.' He said he couldn't because he
was already going to the premiere of the `Beavis & Butthead' movie.''

``It was reported today that two of the top fake names given when
ordering Domino's Pizza this year were Dennis Rodman and Bob Dole.
Apparently, the thousands of times the name Bill Clinton was used, it
actually turned out to be him.''

``Some sad news -- the inventor of Crest toothpaste has died.
Apparently, his last words were, `Great, now I have to fight decay all
over again.'''

``In a new survey, President Clinton was voted the most admired man in
America. The survey was conducted by the Institute of Horny, Fat Guys.''

``Last year ABC's `Monday Night Football' apparently had its lowest
ratings ever. Next year, they're going to try and improve the ratings by
having Frank Gifford file for divorce on the air.''

``A county supervisor in Los Angeles wants to use a vacant lot next to
a maximum security prison to build a golf course. Unfortunately, this is
the closest we'll ever come to seeing O.J. in jail.''

[steve...@aol.com]

Compiled from the CBS web site and NBC press releases

Well, notice that NBC rates the jokes as TV-14. That means everyone age 13
and younger, take your mouse and click on that close button now. We don't
want you reading Conan's penis jokes.

Dave's Lines of the Week

Monday, December 23 - Friday, December 27

"But you know, I think New Yorkers are actually getting sick and tired of

Christmas. Today, I saw a guy tossing out his Christmas tree -- from the
35th floor."

"I have an announcement from the New York City Department of Sanitation.
If you want your Christmas tree picked up, here's what you do. Take all of
the

ornaments, take all of the festive trimming, all of the garland, all of
the tinsel, all of the multicolored lights -- take all of that stuff off

the Christmas tree. Then you take it outside onto the curb and you place
it right next to last year's Christmas tree."

"Big Christmas down in Washington, D.C...I don't know what's going on, but

President Clinton buys Hillary for Christmas a book about baseball. Isn't

that odd? And here's the strange part about out -- and for Joe Torre, he

bought a black lace teddy."

"Mayor Giuliani is very excited about something because, I don't know if
you know about this or not, but New York City has a chance at finishing

1996 with fewer than a thousand homicides. Ladies and gentlemen, here's my
promise to you: if, at 11:30 New Year's Eve, we have 999, I will
personally go down to Times Square and whack Dick Clark."

"Ladies and gentlemen, here's good news for frequent flyers...United

Airlines, for the second year in a row, was voted 'Best Airline Food.'
That's right, 'Best Airline Food.' And, I thought, man, what a wonderful
honor! That's like being named M.V.P. on the Jets."

"Let me remind you of one thing, especially here in New York City. If you
have clothing you're not going to use, if you have canned goods you're

notgoing to use, make sure that those go to somebody less fortunate than

you are and, especially here in New York City, specify either Rich Kotite
of the Jets or Dan Reeves of the Giants before you send it out."

"The Jets , God bless ćem, finished their 1996 season -- let me see if I
have the record right here -- the Jets finished their season 1-and-15.

And, you know, Friday before the last game of the season, their coach Rich
Kotite called a press conference and he announced to the assembled New
York media, he said, 'I have not been fired. I am not quitting. I am
stepping down.' Hard to believe this guy had difficulty communicating with
his players, isn't it?"

"The big story coming out of Los Angeles -- you probably read about this
last week -- a supermarket cashier now claims to be pregnant with
Christopher Darden's child. Isn't that amazing! Well, Chris, if you're
watching, pal, maybe you should have spent a little more time trying to
nail O.J."

"Boy, Christopher Darden was surprised when he found out that this woman
was pregnant. He was really, really surprised. You know, apparently that
glove didn't fit either."

"Have you seen O.J. Simpson lately? Man, this guy has ballooned! This guy
has had some trouble in his life recently. He's put on some weight. He's
really gotten fat. But you know he doesn't worry about it. O.J. Simpson

doesn't worry about a weight problem because when he gets fat, you
know,then all he does is lie his ass off."
All Rights Reserved

QUOTABLES FROM NBC'S `THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO'

(Mondays-Fridays, 11:35 p.m.-12:35 a.m. ET)

The following are quotes from Jay Leno's monologue for the week of

Dec. 30, 1996:

``Now that the holiday season has kind of quieted down, I think we
should all take a moment and be thankful for all the gifts that we have
received. Or, if you're Bill Clinton and Newt Gingrich, deny knowledge of
all gifts you have received ...''

``You know what they're filming right here in Burbank this week?
`Dukes of Hazzard' reunion movie. Who is this for, exactly? Is this for
the people that can't quite grasp the subtle nuances of the Beavis and
Butthead films?''

``Here's an interesting question. Do you know why, traditionally, we
drink on New Year's Eve? Actually, it was done originally for health
reasons. See, drinking the gin and scotch is nature's way of flushing the
eggnog and fruitcake out of your system.''

``Every kid is gonna use this as the new excuse back to school. `My
Cabbage Patch doll ate my homework' ...''

``Bill and Hillary have left Washington for a few days. They didn't
want to leave, but Clinton promised so many campaign donors a night in the
White House, they had to give up the room ...''

``The Clinton Administration said they will crack down on doctors who
legally prescribe marijuana to their patients. Part of Clinton's `Do as I
say, not as I do' policy ...''

``Nissan announced it'll be the first car manufacturer in history to
sell cars over the Internet directly. Other car companies expect to
follow. It's bad enough when you had sex perverts cruising the Internet.
Now you got sleazy car salesmen too ...''

``I'm watching the floods on the news, and they showed this one
flooded street up there in Seattle. I'm looking at it, and there's a Red
Lobster Restaurant that's flooded. I'm wondering, do you think the
lobsters are sitting in their tank, watching the water rise, going `Come
on! If it gets a little higher we'll be free!' ''

``Speaking of that, I'm sure you all saw this on the news New Year's
Eve. A couple of Cabbage Patch snacktime dolls got drunk. They broke into
the Hair Club for Men, ate all the inventory ...''


GUIDELINE: TV-14

QUOTABLES FROM NBC'S `LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN'

(Monday-Friday, 12:35-1:35 a.m. ET)


The following are highlights from Conan O'Brien's monologues on ``Late

Night with Conan O'Brien'' from December 31 to January 3:

``Tomorrow is New Year's Day, a day that people traditionally spend
throwing up and watching football. Which actually is something Jets fans
have been doing all year.''

``Yesterday President Clinton warned that even if people have a
prescription for marijuana, they'll be sent to jail if they're caught
smoking it. On the bright side, in jail it's a lot easier to get
marijuana.''

``Yesterday, a priest in Brooklyn fought off a would-be robber by
kneeing him in the groin. The priest explained, `If I don't get to use
mine, he shouldn't get to use his.' ''

``Happy New Year. It is a new year so don't forget to put 1997 on your
illegal checks to the Democratic Party.''

``In a recent interview Dick Clark shared his secret for looking
young. He said you should avoid germs, get regular checkups, and hang
around Ed McMahon.''

``A new proposal in Massachusetts would bring a literacy program to
state prisons. A state official said, `Everyone has the right to know what
their tattoos say.' ''

``According to a new survey by Glamour magazine, 63 percent of men
said they would not have fathered Madonna's baby if she had asked. The
other 37 percent were asked.''

``Yesterday in South Carolina, a waiter was arrested for leaving
President Clinton a threatening note. Apparently, the note said, `I can't
carry that much food, Fatty.' ''

``Hollywood insiders say that in 1997 one of the biggest movies is
expected to be the new sequel to `Home Alone.' This one's a bit different
... it's about Bob Dole.''

``A new impotence drug will be released soon that works by pushing a
medicated pellet an inch and a half into the penis. That's right --the
entire length of the penis.''

``Yesterday, the White House confirmed that there is a nude beach
within walking distance of where President Clinton is vacationing. In fact
today, President Clinton said, `I had no idea I could walk 73 miles.' ''

``Yesterday, Elizabeth Dole returned to her job as president of the
Red Cross. Meanwhile, Bob Dole returned to his job as president of the
`Matlock' fan club.''

``It was reported today that New York City kids lag far behind other
kids in the state in reading and math. But they are way better at
three-card monte.''

``There's a new drug coming out that will give men erections that last
an hour. Apparently it comes with a warning that says, `Do not take before
gym class.' ''


GUIDELINE: TV-14

[michael]

steve...@aol.com wrote:

>Compiled from the CBS web site and NBC press releases

Thanks for posting the articles. Some fans appreciate it.

[steve...@aol.com]

Compiled from the CBS Web Site and NBC and ABC press releases

Dave's Lines of the Week

Monday, January 6 - Friday, January 10

"Former L.A.P.D. detective Mark Furhman -- you remember him? Controversial
L.A.P.D., figured quite prominently in the O.J. Simpson case? Well, Mark
Furhman, God bless ˜em, he's written a book!...He's written a new book
and I guess it'll be in stores in about a month. But, if you can't find it
in the stores, Furhman will be happy to drop by the house and plant a
copy in your yard."
"You know the on-going civil suit with O.J. Simpson out there in Santa
Monica? Well, the prosecutors have found now 30 new pictures of O.J.
Simpson wearing the Bruno Magli shoes....As a matter of fact, when you
take those photos together, the 30 of them, and you flip through them
really quickly, it looks like O.J.'s doing the Macarena."
"You know that doll, that Christmas doll, that ˜Tickle Me Elmo' doll?
Well, apparently now, the guy that invented the ˜Tickle Me Elmo' doll, for
a while, a couple of months ago, was being investigated by the FBI
because they thought he was the Unabomber. Isn't that amazing? Of course,
back then, he was working on a doll called ˜Tick, Tick, Tick Elmo.'"
"Congratulations to First Lady Hillary Clinton! You know what happened to
Hillary yesterday? Hillary received a Grammy nomination. Hillary Clinton,
First Lady Hillary Clinton, a grammy nomination! I thought, that's
strange because I thought she destroyed all her records."
"For the first time, I believe, in the history of this great nation of
ours, you can buy souvenirs of the Presidential inauguration on QVC, a
home shopping channel...Another item you can get on QVC: you get the
official photo of the Inauguration Ball. That's with Clinton, Hillary and
his date."
"Each one of the items you buy on QVC comes with President Clinton's
personal seal of authenticity -- a gravy stain."
"They're getting ready now for President Clinton's inauguration in a
couple of weeks. They're already planning the gala celebration down there
in Washington...And one of the bits of entertainment they'll have down
there is a show just here in New York City, ˜Bring in ˜Da Noise, Bring in
˜Da Funk,' performing. It's nice, I think that's a nice little treat for
the Clintons while they're waiting for someone to ˜bring in ˜da
indictment.'"
"Saxophone stylist Kenny G will also be performing at the Inauguration. I
love Kenny G music. Whenever I hear Kenny G music, I find myself saying,
˜Excuse me, what level is Foot Locker on?'"
"How many of you folks have been to Disney World or Disneyland?...They
are now revamping ˜The Pirates of the Caribbean.' You know that ride, ˜The
Pirates of the Caribbean?' They're revamping it now so that from now on,
the Pirates will be chasing the food, not the women. Coincidentally, this
is President Clinton's number one New Year's resolution."
"According to the White House, President Clinton is changing his diet
now. And, I'm thinking, this is amazing because I thought the guy was
starting to look a little heavier around the middle, you know, but it
turned out his pockets were just full of Indonesian cash."
"The Los Angeles Dodgers are being sold. The Los Angeles Dodgers, after
being in Los Angeles, Calif. for 25 years, are being sold. You folks, you
know the Los Angeles Dodgers -- they're the baseball team that actually
wins at Shea Stadium."
"On this date in 1888, the drinking straw was discovered, invented,
perfected. That's right -- the soda straw. Oddly enough, sucking was not
perfected until the 1996 New York Jets."
"If you work in television, as Paul and myself do, this is a very
exciting time of year because this is the time of year the tv
networks...announces their new mid-season replacements. And I'm telling
you something, CBS, really, God bless ˜em, has gone out on a limb and I
think this show may be a little too controversial, I have no idea. It's
called ˜Touched by a Dallas Cowboy.'"
"Ladies and gentlemen, another black eye for the world of sports. A
Cleveland Indians pitcher has now been accused of fondling two women in a
hotel room. Here's the odd thing about this: the whole episode was
videotaped by Michael Irvin."
"In a related story, earlier today, a New York Jets football player was
accused of fumbling two women in a hotel room."
"Martin Lawrence, a very funny comedian, a very fine actor, Martin
Lawrence has been accused now of sexually harassing the woman who plays
his wife on his television show. Wow! That's an unpleasant situation,
isn't it? And, the woman claims she knew it was getting bad when one day,
Dallas Cowboys Wide Receiver Michael Irvin showed up on the set with a
camcorder."
"I'm very excited about something. I placed my order for my subscription
to Sports Illustrated. Here's the deal: you get to sign up for the
magazine -- I call it S.I. For two years if you sign up, you get S.I.
every week delivered to your home. They threw in a premium and this year
it's unbelievable. It's the 1996 Dallas Cowboys Sex Blooper tape."
"There's some odd things going on the last couple of months...Not so very
long ago, at a coffee shop in Memphis on a cinnamon bun, the likeness of
Mother Theresa appeared. As a reflection on a window in a building in
Texas, the likeness of the Virgin Mary appeared. And, I'm telling you
something, honest to gosh, I'm in the Post Office earlier today and I
thought for sure I sort of started to see the likeness of Dallas Cowboys
Wide Receiver Michael Irvin starting to appear on a Wanted poster."
"This weekend, the NFL Playoffs continue, and, as you know, last weekend,
the defending Super Bowl Champion Dallas Cowboys were eliminated. So you
will not be seeing them on any of the televised games this week. However,
you will probably be seeing most of them on ˜America's Most Wanted.'"
"Here now are the NFL matchups for next weekend: you have the Patriots
vs. the Jaguars, you have the Packers vs. the Panthers, you have the
People vs. the Dallas Cowboys.
"Yesterday, the Carolina Panthers upset the defending World Champion
Dallas Cowboys 26-to-17. On the bright side for the Cowboys, there were no
arrests."
"During the first quarter Dallas Cowboy Wide Receiver Michael Irvin broke
his clavicle...It's pretty serious. Doctors say it will probably be six to
eight weeks before he can videotape one of his teammates having sex."

© MCMXCVII
CBS Inc.
All Rights Reserved

QUOTABLES FROM `WEEKEND UPDATE' ON NBC'S `SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'

(Saturdays, 11:30 p.m.-1 a.m. ET)

The following are highlights from ``Weekend Update'' on NBC's ``Saturday

Night Live'' (Saturday, Jan. 11):

``And now, the fake news. Our top story tonight.''

``This Monday the Supreme Court will begin hearing arguments over whether
Paula Jones' sexual harassment suit against President Clinton may proceed.
Jones, who claims that while Governor of Arkansas, then-Governor Clinton
exposed himself to her in a hotel room, says she can accurately and
precisely describe the President's genitalia. But, White House spokesmen
scoff, `Any woman who's worked in Arkansas for the last 20 years could do
that!'''

``Russian President Boris Yeltsin was hospitalized for pneumonia this week
triggering new worries about his health. Yeltsin himself remains
unconcerned, however, because he's completely hammered.''

``After forty years in California, the Los Angeles Dodgers are up for sale
and many New York fans are calling for the team to return to Brooklyn.
It's all part of a plan to mess with Bob Dole's mind.''

``This week at the O.J. Simpson civil trial, the focus shifted from the
defendant to the alleged character flaws of Nicole Brown Simpson.
Attorneys for O.J. hammered away at her lifestyle, citing sexual
promiscuity, drug use, and the fact that she married a double murderer.''

``Eight letter bombs sent into the United States last week appear to have
been mailed from the Middle East. FBI experts said it's too early to jump
to conclusions, but, added, `It's Richard Jewell.'''

``The FBI, still pursuing its investigation of the Olympic Park bombing,
has decided to launch an Internet Web page. Net users can log on to view
crime scene photos, leave tips, and try to guess Richard Jewell's
weight.''

``The Artist Formerly Known as Prince says he now wants to be known as
simply, the Artist. Meanwhile, I will continue to refer to him as simply,
the Fruit. In other music news, several major acts are on tour this month,
including Counting Crows, Metallica, and the Fruit.''

``As of next week, ValuJet Airlines will discontinue service to Mobile,
Ala. According to airline executives, this cost-cutting measure is
expected to save the company over $200.''

``And in medical news ... A new test can now detect prostate trouble
months earlier than any previous test. The only down side: It involves
shoving some huge device up your ass.''

``Despite recent criticism, the school board of Oakland, Calif., has voted
to proceed with its controversial Ebonics Program for city schools. In
fact, school board officials today announced the winner of the first
city-wide Ebonics spelling bee. Fourth-grader Soon Duk Kim.''

QUOTABLES FROM NBC'S `LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN'

(Monday-Friday, 12:35-1:35 a.m. ET)

The following are highlights from Conan O'Brien's monologues on ``Late

Night with Conan O'Brien'' from January 7 to January 10:

``Disneyland has closed their Pirates of the Caribbean ride because of an
exhibit which shows a man chasing a big-breasted woman. A spokesman for
Disney said, `We need that exhibit to update The Hall of Presidents.'''

``Last year women in Washington, D.C., made more money than women anywhere
else in the country. Although that's all expected to change now that Dick
Morris is out of the picture.''

``The FDA has ruled that birth control pills can be effective at
controlling acne. Which is a coincidence because acne can be effective at
controlling pregnancy.''

``Michael Jackson announced that he might move to Australia. Then he said,
`Or is it Austria that has the Vienna Boy's Choir?'''

``This year the White House is offering a commemorative collector's plate
to celebrate President Clinton's inauguration. Each plate comes with a
certificate that guarantees it was licked clean by the President.''

``It was reported today that Michael Jordan has sold 1.5 million bottles
of his cologne. In fact, next to the whoopie cushion, it's the most
popular gag gift.''

``Jean-Claude van Damme has filed for divorce because he doesn't think
he's the father of his 15-month-old son. Apparently, you can actually make
out some of the baby's words.''

``Barbra Streisand and her boyfriend, James Brolin, were told that they
can't sleep over at the White House because unmarried couples are not
allowed. The weird thing is unmarried threesomes are still okay --in fact,
they're encouraged.''

``It was reported today that Tipper Gore is thinking of becoming a member
of a rock band. Meanwhile, Al Gore is thinking of becoming a rock.''

``Earlier this week a Philadelphia man was arrested because he sent a
Molotov cocktail to President Clinton. Fortunately, Ted Kennedy
intercepted the package and drank it.''

``Yesterday, a computer malfunction caused 100,000 beepers across the
country to go off every few seconds for a half hour. It caused a lot of
problems. In Washington, call girls thought Dick Morris was back in
town.''

``There's a bill in Congress now that would ban the sale and manufacture
of cheap handguns. The bill's sponsor explained, `Americans deserve to be
killed with quality weapons.'''

``A new behind-the-scenes book claims that President Clinton is prone to
temper tantrums. Apparently, he can often be heard screaming at the top of
his lungs, `Let go of my Eggo.'''

QUOTES FROM ABC'S "POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER"

-- ``Can I stay on a week here.'' (Bill Maher, attempting to control
the language of his guests, political strategist James Carville and
comedian Scott Thompson)

-- ``If we were going to start taking the pictures of racists off the
walls of this country, there wouldn't be many pictures up -- from the
White House on down to our legislature.'' (Actress Alfre Woodard,
commenting on the controversy surrounding a picture of John Wayne being
hung in a fire house)

-- ``O.J. Simpson will return to the witness stand this week. It looks
like it's going pretty rough for him in that trial. It doesn't look good
for him, but on the bright side, he has been offered a tryout with the
Dallas Cowboys.'' (Bill Maher's opening monologue)

-- ``If you speak standard English, you can make out about 80% of black
dialect. And, if you're in the joint for five years with mostly black
people, you can get about 100% of it. As I've learned.'' (G. Gordon Liddy,
disputing a school board's decision in Oakland to recognize Ebonics as a
language)

``Politically Incorrect With Bill Maher'' airs MONDAY-FRIDAY (12:05-12:35
a.m., ET), on the ABC Television Network.

MSNBC QUOTABLE QUOTE

``Gloria Steinem is an old, worn out relic of a feminist, whose greatest
claim to fame was encouraging a bunch of ugly women to march.'' Hustler
magazine publisher Larry Flynt to MSNBC's ``Edgewise'' host John
Hockenberry.

[steve...@aol.com]

Compiled from CBS, NBC and ABC press releases.

OPENING REMARKS FROM THE ``LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN''
ON THE CBS TELEVISION NETWORK

(Monday, Jan. 13-Friday, Jan. 17)
``Martha Stewart, who was the home guru/decorator/correspondent on the
Today Show,' has now quit the Today Show' gig and come over here, and
she's now the home guru/decorator/genius on CBS This Morning.' And her
first project -- I don't know if you're going to see this Monday -- her
first project: she's making oven mitts out of Andy Rooney's eyebrows.''


``The cast of Seinfeld' is now demanding a raise for the new
season...Each member of the cast would like to be paid a million dollars
an episode. A million dollars an episode! I have to work like a week to
get that kind of money!''


``We've done the math on this: that million dollars an episode, that's
880% of a raise. It's all part of NBC's Must Fleece TV.'''


``How about Dennis Rodman? What is the deal on this guy? Where will
this end? Last night, Dennis Rodman, in the middle of a basketball game up
there in Minnesota...Dennis Rodman kicks a photographer. The photographer
was kicked below the belt, you know what I'm saying. Below the belt! This
guy even fights like a girl.''


``The photographer gets kicked by Dennis Rodman and he's carried out
on a stretcher. After the game, Dennis Rodman accuses the photographer,
the guy he kicked,...of being dramatic. Being carried out on a stretcher
is precautionary. Being dramatic is when you show up at a book signing
wearing a wedding dress.''


``Oksana Baiul, Olympic gold medal figure skater, over the weekend
lost control of her car and was arrested for driving under the
influence...According to police reports, her blood alcohol level was .16,
.16, .15, .16, .16, .16, .16, .15 and .14 from the East German judge.''



``More trouble now for O.J. Simpson: yesterday, they showed pictures
of him wearing the Bruno Magli shoes. Showed O.J. Simpson, under oath, on
the stand, 30 photographs of O.J. wearing the Bruno Magli shoes. O.J says,
Those are not my shoes.' Also, O.J. said, of the pictures of himself,
Those are not my pants.' Ladies and gentlemen, it's much worse than we
thought. The man is also a shoplifter.''


``O.J said that they could not possibly be his pants because of the
way they fit. He said those pants are too baggy. I said, well, you know,
that makes perfect sense too. I mean, your pants would be a little baggy
also if you spent the last three years lying your ass off.''


``President Clinton will be playing himself in a TV movie right here
on CBS. President Clinton has one disappointment and that is that he
didn't really have to sleep with anybody to get the part.''


``Are you all excited about the Presidential Inauguration next
week?...Hillary Clinton will be wearing a gown designed by Oscar de la
Renta. We still don't know what Clinton's date will be wearing.''


``Michael Bolton, ladies and gentlemen, will be performing at the
Inauguration next week. And, I'm thinking to myself, you know, if we had
known about this in November, I think there's a good chance Dole would be
president.''


``You folks excited about the big Inaugural celebration going on down
there in Washington, D.C.? It starts this weekend right here on CBS, the
big Inaugural Gala. Already been some trouble -- a big fight. Michael
Bolton and Kenny G. got into a fist fight over the last bottle of
conditioner.''


``And, you know, Clarence Thomas, Supreme Court justice Clarence
Thomas, will be involved in the adjudication of this suit. It's amazing,
isn't it? Clarence Thomas, involved in a sexual harassment suit. I mean,
isn't that a little bit like the Menendez brothers organizing a family
reunion?''





``It's very, very cold here in New York. It was so cold in New York
City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.''


``Yesterday, Rush Limbaugh turned 46 years of age. And I'm thinking,
hmm...This is a tough one. What do you get for the man who has eaten
everything?''


``Last week, New York billionaire Harry Helmsley was laid to rest in a
$350,000 mausoleum. Man, I want to tell you something. This is the only
tomb with a doorman...There's actually a sign out in front of the tomb
that reads, All mourners must be announced.' And, the guy had so much
money, he actually has a summer tomb in the Hamptons.''


``On Friday, as you know by now, Dallas police have cleared Michael
Irvin and Erik Williams of all wrongdoing. But, earlier today, just for
the fun of it, they brought in Richard Jewell for questioning.''

The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN, a production of Worldwide Pants
Incorporated, is broadcast weeknights (11:35 PM-12:37 AM, ET/PT) on the

CBS Television Network. Rob Burnett is the executive producer.

QUOTABLES FROM `WEEKEND UPDATE' ON NBC'S `SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'

(Saturdays, 11:30 p.m.-1 a.m. ET)


The following are highlights from ``Weekend Update'' on NBC's

``Saturday Night Live'' (Saturday, January 18):

``And now, the fake news. Our top story tonight ...''

``Late yesterday, the House subcommittee investigating Newt Gingrich
finally issued its long-awaited report recommending the Speaker be given a
reprimand and a $300,000 fine for minor ethical violations. Gingrich has
promised to come up with the money promptly, though he admits it's going
to involve giant ethical violations.''

``According to the ``U.S. News & World Report 1997 Career Guide,'' the
best job in the United States for the second year in a row is `interactive
business systems analyst.' However, last year's worst job, `assistant
crackwhore,' has been replaced by a new worst job, `crackwhore trainee.'''

``Meanwhile, with President Clinton's second inaugural approaching,
attention has turned to what the women will be wearing at the festivities.
According to the White House, First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton will wear
a gown by Oscar de la Renta, Tipper Gore will appear in a Jennifer George
ensemble, and attorney general Janet Reno will be outfitted by Rochester
Big and Tall.''

``In dramatic testimony this week at his civil trial, O.J. Simpson
said he didn't commit suicide only because, `My mother told me you don't
go to heaven if you kill yourself.' Oddly, his mother did say, `It's okay
to kill other people.'''

``In Atlanta this week, two separate bomb blasts rocked a building
which houses an abortion clinic. Asked if there were any suspects, an FBI
spokesman said, `We don't want to rush to judgement like we did in the
Olympic Park bombing case,' but added, `It's Richard Jewell.'''

``Beginning in March, D.C. comics will change Superman's traditional
red and blue costume to a new, form-fitting bodysuit. The problem with the
old costume? Not gay enough.''

``Last week in Canasota, N.Y., fight promoter Don King was elected to
the International Boxing Hall of Fame. King graciously thanked the Hall of
Fame for the honor, then took all its money and left it bankrupt.''

``This week, the Reverend Jesse Jackson called for an end to his
boycott of automaker Mitsubishi, citing improvements in job opportunities
for minorities, and the fact that he couldn't find a word that rhymes with
Mitsubishi.''

``In Springfield, Mo., the local cable company mistakenly aired five
minutes of explicit sex scenes from the Playboy Channel on the Cartoon
Network, during an episode of `The Flintstones.' Children who saw the
broadcast called it the greatest `Flintstones' episode ever.''

``In New York, state-of-the-art, self-cleaning public toilets may soon
appear on city streets. In a survey, New Yorkers expressed their
enthusiasm for the outdoor toilets, noting they are very easy to urinate
on.''

QUOTES FROM ABC'S "POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER"

Following are quotables from last night's ``Politically Incorrect With
Bill Maher,'' on the ABC Television Network.

-- ``O.J. Simpson has finished his testimony, apparently feeling
pretty good about himself because he showed up at the court today and
opened the car door and he was blaring Ike Turner.'' (Bill Maher's opening
monologue)

-- ``If you think that your man, that you're sitting next to, is going
to remain monogamous, has been monogamous, it's kind of unrealistic.''
(Actress Victoria Rowell on men being faithful)

-- ``All this genetic stuff and all this addiction stuff are excuse
for people not having personal discipline.'' (Ed Rollins on the new theory
that men have a gene which causes infidelity)