Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling Transcript
Scott W.
Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling
February 4th
The following transcript contains some adult language and subject matter. Please be
advised the opinions expressed are not those of theglobe.com.
GlobeHost: We are starting the show. Jackie will be chatting as "Jackie "The Joke Man"".
demiancosmos: Jackie, why do you tape your fingers? It makes me think your nuts.
Jackie "The Joke Man": I haven't worn finger cots in about four years. But, they were to
keep my fingers from rotting away because I handle so much paper.
amikins: Who do you think will be the next "Howard Stern"? What's the worst thing you
think Howard Stern has done on his show, in terms of offending the public?
Jackie "The Joke Man": Those God damned old "E!" shows. (laughs) The worst thing Howard
could do to offend the public would be to stop broadcasting! And, there won't be another
Howard Stern. Nothing is offensive. Your "offensive" is my "picnic."
stonerCT: Do you smoke a lot of weed?
Jackie "The Joke Man": I'm too stoned to answer that.
RyanMarsh: Jackie, do you and Howard spend any time together outside of the show?
Jackie "The Joke Man": Only when I'm horny.
Steeman: Is the Stern show streamed on the Web anywhere?
Jackie "The Joke Man": No.
ModVamp: Would you do a movie, if the script was funny? Would you write one?
Jackie "The Joke Man": Yes. Yes. And, yes.
Stupydgrl: Do you get fondle the 'guests' as much as Howard does?
Jackie "The Joke Man": Are you a producer? I give great head. (I fondle them) More. He
fluffs 'em up for me.
slyass: Is billy ever coming back? Ressurect the damn puppet.
Jackie "The Joke Man": Billy is in LA doing incredibly, and the puppet was never alive.
(chuckles)
cartmn1: How often do you apologize to your wife?
Jackie "The Joke Man": Wasn't that once enough? If you count how often Fred plays it, I'd
say twice a week.
snowy231: Are you excited about your Atlantic City show?
Jackie "The Joke Man": You're walking me into a plug .... so I'll get screamed at on the
radio! But, thanks for asking!...Trump Marina April 10th and yes I'm psyched about it. I
expect to be run out of town. The Trump is in Atlantic City.
fei_hong: Do you ever slip up and call Robin Quivers the "N" word?
Jackie "The Joke Man": Next question.
kyle165: Will you ever write a "tell all" book about your experiences on the show?
Jackie "The Joke Man": I'm thinking ... Yes. But, it would be nothing but solid jokes.
AskRickcom: How much green bud do I have to trade you for a T-Shirt??
Jackie "The Joke Man": Two large buds. You can find the P.O. Box on the website ...
www.jokeland.com. And, the Bayville Police phone number is 516-922-9572. Please let 'em
know if it's coming by mail or UPS. Cause I hate to waste their fucking time. You fuckin'
idiot. P.S. - Make sure you leave your return address so I can send you a shirt.
jcs2112: How do you pass a good line to Howard, on paper or type it to a screen he can
read?
Jackie "The Joke Man": Via TV camera.
buttcrack6: Has a fistfight ever broken out on the show?
Jackie "The Joke Man": Amazingly no. I'm really thinking seriously for a second whether
that ever happened ...? No. Any fisting was uh .. .no. No, no fist fights. I did piss on
Stuttering John's back once. But, he didn't know it.
WallyCrow: You should do Robin's voice more often. It's the funniest thing on the show.
And F Gary!
Jackie "The Joke Man": Thank you very much, that's very flattering. I enjoy doing her
voice as much as she doesn't enjoy me doing it. And, it's not the funniest thing on the
show. It's the funniest thing in the world. (laughs)
djbrian: Do you do these internet chats because you like them, or is it a shameless plug
as always? :-)
Jackie "The Joke Man": I do them because your mom gets tired. Gotta spend that fuckin' CD
money on something.
THF: Who's the scariest guest you've had the show...one that was really unpredictable.
Jackie "The Joke Man": Scariest guest ... We actually thought that Robert Blake was going
to go over the console at Howard. But, he's a great actor so who knew if he was fuckin'
around. But, he seemed cooked, not cooked "stoned" but seemed on edge. But, nobody really
scary. If you spend five hours a day, five days a week sitting next to Fred .. what is
supposed to fuckin' scare me?! (laughs)
Lydia50: Do you ever feel bad for the people who humiliate themselves?
Jackie "The Joke Man": Fuck you. You idiot.
Jackies_Bar: Jackie, I have the utmost respect for you. You are truly a genius. Ok,
enough of the BS.....your worthless ass makes me laugh.
Jackie "The Joke Man": Then I'm doing my job. And, you're right on both counts. And, I
hope you die a horrible, twisted death .... soon.
BiGWanG: What's up with Ivan the Mad Russian? Is he dead?
Jackie "The Joke Man": I don't think they got his name right. Maybe it is. No, he's alive
and not well in St. Louis.
KirbyS1: Who's been the most disappointing guest you've had on the show?
Jackie "The Joke Man": No one. Warren Beatty hardly talked. But, Howard made it
hysterical. Howard makes the worst guest the best guest. That's why the show works. The
only bad part of the show is when assholes ask ridiculous questions that don't really
need to be answered. If you catch my drift.
Pillowgirl: I hope you diea horrible, twisted death soon too, can I get a tshirt?
Jackie "The Joke Man": Yes. Send your name, address, a picture of you in a skimpy outfit,
and of course, the two buds of pot for shipping & handling to P.O. Box 62, E. Norwich, NY
11732.
MrDV: What guest had the best knockers?
Jackie "The Joke Man": Chuck Zito. (laughs)
Mafia_Baby: I have been following the death pool that you and the others started ont he
show...I have the printout on my fridge to look at everyday...any thought as to who you
think will win?
Jackie "The Joke Man": No idea. Are you really in the mob? And if so, what're your
prices? Push Liz Taylor down a flight of stairs and I'll send you one of the buds that
the other broad is sending me.
laura197: When the Howard Stern show is over, will you have your own radio show? I'd
listen!!
Jackie "The Joke Man": Thank you Laura. Maybe I'll do it at your house. (chuckles)
WLandry: Jackie, Is the usual tension between everyone on the Show as real as it seems or
is it (for the most part) a bit that's always on?
Jackie "The Joke Man": I need a radio show like I need another cock. Actually I need
another cock. (laughs) The tension is real. The bit is real. The bit is funny. It's all a
goof. But, nothing is phony. We're totally serious when we're kidding around.
Mike_Megg: Jackie: Love your show on the Nerve 95.5 FM. I would like to know if you and
the gang are planning any future pay-per-view specials. You and the guys saved Rochester
NY from Brother Wease's awful brand of radio!! Peace and phony phone calls, Mike M
Jackie "The Joke Man": Has anybody typed me a blow job yet? Can they do that? Tell
somebody to type me a blow job or a hand job ... say something nice ...blow in my ear ..
massage my feet .. might as well make this sensual. There are no projects in the works.
Fuck Brother Wease. Thank you for listening. I enjoy Rochester. I spent a month there one
weekend. (laughs)
vin_69: Blow Job
Jackie "The Joke Man": Thank you, pal.
Frankenfish Is pam anderson as hot in person as on TV?
Jackie "The Joke Man": Absolutely. She's the definition of the word "Sex Kitten." I'd
fuck her so hard that your computer would fall off it's stand.
jcs2112: Do you really drink Heineken? What's "your" beer?
Jackie "The Joke Man": Yes, I drink Heineken, but since I lost about 40 pounds, I mainly
drink Bud Light. Actually, I drink anything that's put in front of me. I just enjoy
myself. The world's best bloody mary recipe is on my website: www.jokeland.com
RyanMarsh: Jackie- time for stump the Jokeman... what's the square root of 69?
Jackie "The Joke Man": 8 somethin'. Why do men take showers?
bill3110: Does it piss you off when Howard trashes your wife. By the way she is very
fucking hot. And why did she take her naked pics off her page?
Jackie "The Joke Man": The naked pictures ARE still on her page. Thank you. I think she's
hot, too. I even remember when she used to give me a hard on. And, Howard only trashes my
wife cause he wants to fuck her so bad. And, I let him trash her cause I want him to fuck
her so bad. And, I know if he fucked her, it would be bad. (laughs)
fava10: Hey Jackie.....F--- Howard and Fred......Do you plan to come to Columbus Ohio
anytime to do a show??? I know Ohio sucks but you've got some loyal fans here.
Jackie "The Joke Man": I plan on spending my next week's vacation in Columbus, Ohio. If
I'm kidnapped. Get somebody to hire me! I'd love to come out there. I worked Cleveland.
Anybody who goes to Cleveland would go to Columbus. Same mistake.
Starman48: You think Howard is eavesdropping right now?
Jackie "The Joke Man": No. Cause he's sittin' here with me. And, he's fingering my
asshole. That's why I'm being so funny. Stop wiggling it, Howard!!
Dirkd22: How can someone join the wack pack? My brother is fucked up.
Jackie "The Joke Man": Cut off both your ears and mail them to Box 62 ... nevermind ...
Just fax your story to Gary. By the way, the girl that's typing this chat has tits bigger
than Robin.
ModVamp: Will Big Black ever get a real job?
Jackie "The Joke Man": What do you think? He has the motivation of a slug that's covered
with salt.
Starman48: What's the funniest thing that ever happened happened on the show?
Jackie "The Joke Man": Listen tomorrow.There are WAY too many highlights .. you know. I'm
asked that question everyday and I have no answer for that. One of my personal most fun
moments is the day they delivered the real doll and I made Scott from E! hire a live girl
and put her in the crate. And, Howard didn't know it and when he opened it up and the
girl sat up he almost shit his pants. That was very funny.
hollywood149: Jackie- can I send you a tape about the fan club I'm starting?
Jackie "The Joke Man": Yes. Send it with two buds.
Starman48: How much time during a day do you guys work on new ideas for the show?
Jackie "The Joke Man": We communicate on the computer. And, it's very varied. Somewhere
between 0 and 24 hours.
wwwCYAOcom: Jackie, speaking of the Real Doll, did they really have sex with her or was
that a put on?
Jackie "The Joke Man": I think they did. Because she's pregnant. (laughs)
johndoe2828: Do you have a favorite website besides your own? Maybe playboy.com?
Jackie "The Joke Man": I don't really hang on the web except to buy DVD's and CD's. I
don't chat. I answer all my email though. I get emailed through my website and I really
do answer it. Which is like chasin' your fuckin' tail. Most of the emails are "do you
really answer these yourself?" And, I write back, "Yes." and they say, "This isn't you!"
"Yes it is!" "No!" And, then I go, "Fuck you!" What do I gotta do? Nah nah!
noknees438: Is Tara the intern the same one that appeared yesterday on the Opie and
Anthony show and took her clothes off?
Jackie "The Joke Man": Yes. That's one of the requirements. To be a cameraman or
camerawoman on the Howard Stern show is you have to go on competing radio stations and do
entertaining things to help them. Ya dumb fuck.
Rodneydan: Was the stalker girl on today really hot or just a freak?
Jackie "The Joke Man": She was cute. Straight cute. North Dakota cute. Even as wacky as
she was, she had a very cute .. she was adorable! I'd fuck her 'til she drooled.
jcs2112: Jackie, quick, a joke about a duck?
Jackie "The Joke Man": A duck? What did the duck say to the prostitute? Put it on my
bill. Such a funny fuckin' joke! Just fuckin' funny. And, that's the worst fuckin' joke I
ever heard! Just so bad!
MyNigga: Will you and Howard start doing Chelsea Clinton jokes now that People Magazine
has opened the door?
Jackie "The Joke Man": I wasn't aware that we weren't doing them. Why doesn't Chelsea
have any brothers and sisters? Monica swallowed 'em.
johndoe2828: What is better, a good blow job or good sex?
Jackie "The Joke Man": It's like steak and lobster. Whichever you had last .. then you
prefer the other next. But, there's nothing like five toes in your asshole. Sorry. I'm a
little punchy.
keithkli: What do you think about Eddie Murphy's Cartoon, THE PJ'S ?
Jackie "The Joke Man": I haven't seen it. But, the Executive Producer is an old friend of
mine, Bill Fryberger and it looks like the show's a hit. But, I don't watch PJ's, so I
have no opinion.
NDIrish420: Your 3rd Jokeman is the funniest thing on the internet.
Jackie "The Joke Man": Thank you very much. Many, many, many people share that opinion.
And, I'm doing everything in my fuckin' power to try to get Howard and Vinnie to put it
on the CBS show, but so far no luck. But, stay tuned. I'm not sure why it is so fuckin'
funny, but it is fuckin' funny. In fact there's a new one on there right now .... he's
talking about the front page of jokeland.com .. a little cartoon guy and he takes you to
an animated joke. That'd be great to get it on the CBS show.
CMB4EVER: What are three, two letter words that mean "little?"
Jackie "The Joke Man": Is it in?
machz_780: What do you get when you cross a chicken and peanut butter?
Jackie "The Joke Man": A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth. I'll tell you my
favorite new joke. A cop pulls a guy over and says, "Have you been drinking?" And, the
guy says, "Why? Is there a big, fat pig sitting next to me?" (laughs) Isn't that funny?
Heheheh ;)
wwwCYAOcom: I love the Hot Dogs and Donuts CD, do you have plans to release another CD
anytime soon? S...@www.cyao.com a howard stern chat site by the fans for the fans
Jackie "The Joke Man": Within six months. I've already collected the jokes. And, you know
what? There's a page on my website that I haven't linked to yet because I'm still
building the idea but for a behind the scenes glimpse at CD #4 ... oh this is fun, ... go
to jokeland.com/remember.html. The CD will probably be called "F Jackie" or "A Belowjob."
geeseman: Damn, Jackie.. youre good!
Jackie "The Joke Man": Thank you very much. Send two buds.
f_jackie: Jackie how do you remember all those jokes...Do you have some type of method?
Jackie "The Joke Man": I've just always been able to remember them. And, it drives Nancy
crazy cause I'll turn to her and say, "What's your mom's phone number?" (laughs) But, I
think anybody who listens to the show already knows that I have fucked priorities.
brendan010: OK Jackie, here's one for ya - what did the pothead driving behind Lorena
Bobbitt say just after she threw the wennie out the window??
Jackie "The Joke Man": The joke on my album is that it hits his windshield and the hippie
says "Look at the dick on that bug!" But, there's so many ... you know. You know why
Lorena Bobbitt ... now I forget the joke! Sorry. Why did Lorena Bobbitt throw away the
penis? You know what? I forget the joke! That's not right! Now I have to go on my fuckin'
stupid computer and find the stupid .. it blows! Go on man .. fuckin' stupid shit . dumb
job I have. Look at this, I'm going to fuckin' Lorena Bobbitt like an idiot! OH! Why did
it take so long for Lorena Bobbitt to throw the dick out the window? She didn't have the
balls. Hehehehe!
keithkli: Did you know your missing Robbie Knevil trying to Kill himself on Fox TV ,
right now?
Jackie "The Joke Man": Yes. That's the only upside to this fucking chat. (laughs)
Hudson22: Hey Jackie, Are you doing this from your home? If so which one? hahaha
Jackie "The Joke Man": Hahaha! I'm doing it from jokeland! I'm sitting at my desk at
Jokeland enjoying a nice doobie. A nice cold Bud Light. And, jerking myself off into my
wastebasket.
panman627: Which do you prefer-bongs or joints?
Jackie "The Joke Man": Depends on the situation. Bongs are very social. But, joints are
handy.
marc155: What are your thoughts on the fact that the company that sponsored your chat on
theglobe.com is called justballs.com?
Jackie "The Joke Man": I think it's one of the wittier things I've ever seen and I plan
on buying stock in the company as soon as I'm done jerking myself off into the
wastebasket.
DHerrBoy: What happens when a dentist treats a crack addict?
Jackie "The Joke Man": I don't know. You win.(laughs) What's the answer? Send it.
DHerrBoy: He says "would you like a gold tooth or a glass".
Jackie "The Joke Man": I was wrong. I apologize. You don't win. Here's a joke ...Two
flies are on a piece of shit ....When the first one lifts it's leg and farts. The other
one says, "Jesus Christ, man, I'm tryin' to eat!" Now THAT'S a fuckin' joke.
redsnappe: Jackie, tell us a good valentine's joke.
Jackie "The Joke Man": Valentine's .....What's the difference between .... hold on ...
between an arrow being shot through someone's heart and Kathie Lee Gifford? An arrow
being shot through someone's heart is a Cupid stunt.
ristor Jackie, what brand of condems does bill clinton use?
Jackie "The Joke Man": I don't know. I'd love to say I care. You win. Give me the
answers, I'll give you shirts.
ModVamp: OK Jackie, who came up with that stupid voice everyone uses on the show to
imitate you, doesn't sound anything like you????
Jackie "The Joke Man": I hate the world. And, one of the reasons is that that was created
by none other than Ralph.
JasonR39: Jackie, how long have you been a comedian?
Jackie "The Joke Man": Officially since January, 1979. What are the two most important
holes in a woman's body? Her nostrils so she can breathe between squirts.
chino61: Jackie, you're the funniest fuckin guy I have ever heard should be more comics
like you.
Jackie "The Joke Man": How the fuck should I respond to that?! Thank you. That's sweet.
Is that a girl? Or, is that a guy? I'll go down on ya anyway.
Hudson22: Hey Jokeboy, when are you coming to toronto?
Jackie "The Joke Man": I'm supposed to be shooting a video there very soon. And, I'm very
psyched to come to Toronto. I was .. in 1979, I was fucking an actress who worked at the
Royal Alex in Toronto.
bobo24nj: Does Robin know what is in the envelop-e cause I think Kreskin is a fake...
Jackie "The Joke Man": Kreskin is not a fake. At least that's what his agent, Santa
Claus, told me. (laughs) What's a gay guy's favorite time of day? 8 o'cock. How do you
know if the kid that stole your bicycle is half black and half Polish? He's running down
the street with the bicycle under his fuckin' arm. What's better than winning the gold
medal at the Special Olympics? Walking.
Frankenfish: Did you really have sex with a one legged woman?
Jackie "The Joke Man": Yes, I really had sex with a one legged woman. I woke up in a
stupor, went in to take a leak, and the fuckin' leg was restin' against the corner of the
bathroom. Anyone else in the universe that would have been enough to make them stop
drinking. I would quit drinking, but nobody likes a quitter. (laughs) Did you hear about
George Michael's latest release? It's on some guy's back. What do you call a hair between
an old lady's tits? Her ****.
CoolCat44: Hey Jackie, do you think being a comedian comes naturally or is it something
you have to work hard at and study? (from your experience)
Jackie "The Joke Man": Yo! How the fuck should I know? It's weird, I think it has to come
naturally and then I think you have to study. I think both. You know what the FBI found
in Monica Lewinsky's dress today? A fat fuckin' pig.
GlobeHost: The police just came and arrested Jackie for marijuana possession! Be sure to
check him out in Atlantic City at Trump Marina on April 10th and at Westbury Music Fair
on Long Island April 24th. And, watch "Penn & Teller Sin City Spectacular" on the FX
Channel February 22nd. Thanks! Join us tomorrow for author, Nicholas Sparks at 4pm EST.
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"Veterans of foreign wars
We are the soldiers of
Rock & Roll Wars" Jim M
Big Dog
nite and I wanted to share it with a friend. The nostril joke was big at
work today!!!
Scott W. wrote in message ...