DANA PLATO: LYING JUNKIE
McGruff
police say is an accidental overdose of a painkiller and valium." At least
the world can now rest easy that one of the three brat stars of the hit
sitcom 'Diff'rent Strokes' has mercifully rid the world of their juvenile
delinquent presence. It would seem the Terrible Trio of Sitcom Fuck-Ups --
woman-slapper, Gary Coleman; murderer-cum-drug-pusher, Todd Bridges; and the
all-around embarrassment, Plato herself -- had made a bet to see whose face
could land more covers on the National Enquirer. With this stunningly
successful feat of suicide par excellence, it becomes apparent that Plato has
vaulted herself into the lead by a nose. The same nose she used to snort up
all that coke. The skanky Plato, who had enough white lines running through
her veins to shock Grandmaster Flash, was fired from her one-and-only bid for
stardom in 1984 for slutting herself around town and getting knocked up in
the process. While such "sensitive" topics as bulimia, kidnapping, statutory
rape, drugs, and green hair were not too taboo for NBC's overbearingly-cute
television show, network executives apparently could not handle the
frightening thought of the virginal Kimberly Drummond in a size-16 maternity
gown and escorted Plato's pregnant butt off the set. From that career high
point, the budding Heidi Fleiss went on to destroy two lives: her own and
that of her bastard baby's. Like most eternally-high, no-talent whores, Dana
Plato was branded unhireable and found that even small parts on bad sitcoms
such as 'Webster' were hard to find. While Plato's replacement, Danny
Cooksey, went on to win over the hearts (but not the stomachs) of wholesome
family-oriented programme-lovers everywhere, Plato's acting career
extinguished itself faster than you can say JM J. Bullock. In the place of
an actual job, Plato divided her time between popping downers and being the
kind of mother Joan Crawford's children would have been proud to call 'Mommie
Dearest'. Surely Plato's now-teenaged son will soon know what it's like to be
abandoned by your own good-for-nothing parents. Talk about history repeating
itself -- Plato's mother freed herself of the demon spawn she created when
Dana was but a pointy-tailed little infant. Plato's greed-mongering adopted
parents were a better match. Much like Macaulay's Culkin's screwed-up
parental figures, the elder Platos recognised a money tree when they saw one
and made sure to teach young Dana the art of career prostitution at an early
age. After steering the talent-free actress through a host of commercials so
annoying they make that Pepsi girl a breath of fresh air by comparison, Mr.
and Mrs. Goody-Two-Shoes refused to believe that they had taken in Rosemary's
Baby and denied their darling the chance of a lifetime to take on the role of
Regan MacNeil in _The Exorcist_, ironically, a part which she was born to
play. It was the other bad actress, Linda Blair, who snatched up that one.
Nor would the selective pair allow their good girl to cavort around naked in
_The Blue Lagoon_, while the vacant Christopher Atkins caressed her sultry
bosom. So that role wound up with the equally-talented (but far hotter),
Brooke Shields. No, our dearest Dana is going to be a perfect little angel
and star in wholesome fair. Like 'Diff'rent Strokes'. With nowhere to go
but hell, Plato decided to steer her career in the direction she seemed a
natural for - selling her body for money. Hooking (or is that hookering?) up
with Playboy in 1989, Plato showed off her innumerable needle punctures and
crack pallor for the benefit of horny, teenaged speed-addicts everywhere. The
magazine public who weren't tripped out of their mind were not so easily
fooled, however. By 1991, Plato's spreads were even more finished than
Plato's actor's resume, and the young bimbo was following her dreams by
exploiting her God-given gifts of armed robbery and forgery. In between trips
to the county jail, she made a comeback, of sorts, starring in fine cinematic
cow dung like the immortal _Bikini Beach Race_ and her apparent
screen-biopic, _Compelling Evidence_. But it was 1997's dyke-fest titled,
ironically, _Different Strokes_ that Dana Plato's breasts really got to
shine. The act of Plato's not-so-luscious hooters frollicking around in the
company of another hot-to-snot lesbian was too much for the MPAA who stamped
the film with an instant X. Would that X stand for X-addict, by any chance?
During Plato's most productive period of filling up the straight-to-video
section over at the local Blockbuster, Dana found her raging libido no longer
satisfied by that of the male species. Long before Ellen DeGeneres made it
fashionable, Plato came out as a lesbian in the lesbo-pride mag, Girlfriends.
Long after David Bowie and Lou Reed made it fashionable, Plato renegged on
her statement. The few friends the publicity-starved Plato had left at this
point must have realised that if their crack whore of a pal becomes any more
sexually-confused, she'll have to don a silly hat, gaudy glasses, and a
sequin-studded outfit and sing 'The Bitch Is Back'. Miss Plato guested on
the Howard Stern show but three days before her death in a last-ditch effort
to try to convince some terminally-gullible moron that Her Wastedness had
been clean and sober for an entire decade. Smart Stern-fans spotted the
tell-tale signs of pain-killer withdrawals and called up to laugh at her,
prompting the little liar to "come clean" about a wisdom tooth extraction and
submit a strand of her greasy, lice-ridden hair for a drug test. Gee, Dana,
we'd be interested in seeing the results of that one.
-----------== Posted via Deja News, The Discussion Network ==----------
http://www.dejanews.com/ Search, Read, Discuss, or Start Your Own
Evan Davis
the single most vicious post to ever appear in the history of
usenet. I've seen less venom in the snake tank at the reptile zoo.
Mayor Tommy Shanks wrote in message <37377B...@inforamp.net>...
>y'know it really is scary how pathetic sad and truly unfunny
>a segment of Howard's fans are. This humorless attempt at
>whatever is striking in its crueltry and hatred towards an actress
>who mattered little but still much more than you mcgruff.
>I will track you down, the first step is ridiculously easy
>as anybody with anything close to a clue knows how to hack
>a my-dejanews.com or a hotmail account.
>
>a long painful death to you and your loved ones mcgruff
FrankSnotra
quoted post, found it to be brilliant. Look, mayor, I have nothing against Dana
Plato, or anyone grieving about her death. But I do find threats thrown over a
simple ng posting, which consisted of 85% truth, 12% satire and 3% inert gases to
be what's REALLY scary and truly unfunny.
dan
Gee whiz, isn't that the show that Nancy Reagan appeared on to
say "Just say no"?
dan
Roger Waters
>
> WHOA!!! THAT was harsh!!! ((sitting here stunned))
>
> Since you mentioned it, what the hell happened to that annoying little
> Danny Cooksey???? He looked like the spawn of Satan to me....
Other than that tiny little role in Terminator 2 (he was young John Connor's friend, if
you remember), he's probably looking for an infomercial job. That, or being a busboy in
some diner in Burbank.
Mayor Tommy Shanks
a segment of Howard's fans are. This humorless attempt at
whatever is striking in its crueltry and hatred towards an actress
who mattered little but still much more than you mcgruff.
I will track you down, the first step is ridiculously easy
as anybody with anything close to a clue knows how to hack
a my-dejanews.com or a hotmail account.
a long painful death to you and your loved ones mcgruff
DC
Mulder v40
>From: FrankSnotra <Frank...@prodigy.net>
>Date: 5/9/99 11:23 PM Eastern Daylight Time
>Message-id: <37365140...@prodigy.net>
>
> I have to say that I missed what McGruff posted, but, upon reading it in
>your
>quoted post, found it to be brilliant.
First, let me say that i agree with what you say below. Second, I could barely
make it through McGruff's post, not because it bashed DP but because it just
wasn't funny. It came off as the rant of a truely angry individual. Yeah, i
could see hints of satire, but they were executed poorly. Comedy is all in the
delivery. I enjoy periodicals like The Onion because of their scathing satire
of society and pop culture, but this guy's 'material', IMO, needs some work.
Hey, we can't all be Frank Snotra! =)
Look, mayor, I have nothing against
>Dana
>Plato, or anyone grieving about her death. But I do find threats thrown over
>a
>simple ng posting, which consisted of 85% truth, 12% satire and 3% inert
>gases to
>be what's REALLY scary and truly unfunny.
>
末|V|ulder-v4.0末
TheRogue
Anyone else remember it? She tried to wash her hair in a pan and it
turned green. I think it had something to do with the rainwater or
something.
Rogue
alph...@primenet.com
<mcgruff_th...@my-dejanews.com> wrote:
snip, snip, snip...
Wow, all that hostility!
My goodness, what the hell did she ever do to you?
dan...@mindspring.com
>> Since you mentioned it, what the hell happened to that annoying little
>> Danny Cooksey???? He looked like the spawn of Satan to me....
>
Connor's friend, if
>you remember), he's probably looking for an infomercial job. That, or
being a busboy in
>some diner in Burbank.
Actually he's in the Nickelodeon show "Eat My Shorts". I don't get cable
anymore, but I believe it's been on for a few years and it's still running.
Danny Cooksey is the only one who apparently escaped the curse of "Diff'rent
Strokes".
G. Warnings
--
The last mosquito that bit me checked into the Betty Ford Clinic, dahling
Gondola Bob
<dcom...@NOSPAMdelphi.com> wrote:
> WHOA!!! THAT was harsh!!! ((sitting here stunned))
>
> Since you mentioned it, what the hell happened to that annoying little
> Danny Cooksey???? He looked like the spawn of Satan to me....
He was in a teenage rock band on Virgin Records a few years ago...can't
recall the name anymore. I think he played drums?
GB
DGM RY
Roger Waters
> Actually he's in the Nickelodeon show "Eat My Shorts". I don't get cable
> anymore, but I believe it's been on for a few years and it's still running.
> Danny Cooksey is the only one who apparently escaped the curse of "Diff'rent
> Strokes".
>
> G. Warnings
Small wonder why I didn't know that - I'm in Canada, and our cable dial's not featuring
Nick. Mind you, like I'd really care about watching a channel aimed at the pre-teen set
anyway.
MindGardns
>He was in a teenage rock band on Virgin Records a few years ago...can't
>recall the name anymore. I think he played drums?
>
>GB
He sang lead in an awful band called Bad 4 Good.
John P.
To join the High Llamas mailing list, go to:
http://www.onelist.com/subscribe/HighLlamas
Gondola Bob
mindg...@aol.com (MindGardns) wrote:
> >
> >He was in a teenage rock band on Virgin Records a few years ago...can't
> >recall the name anymore. I think he played drums?
> >
> >GB
>
> He sang lead in an awful band called Bad 4 Good.
There you go. I was thinking that it had "4" in the name, but knew it
wasn't All 4 One....
GB
gr...@no-spam.twcny.rr.com
> Other than that tiny little role in Terminator 2 (he was young John Connor's friend, if
> you remember), he's probably looking for an infomercial job. That, or being a busboy in
> some diner in Burbank.
He can join Danny Bonaduce. God-knows the two fuckers look alike.
Greg H.
Judgement
you son to write such a an angry piece on a distressed woman? Are you in need of
help?
Judgement
LisYanks
>Date: 5/9/99 11:34 PM EST
>Message-id: <37366186...@news.mindspring.com>
Boy, was that a classic episode. I think it had to do with acid rain. But the
best DS episode was when stupid Arnold burned a hole in the new sweater Mr
Drummond had bought him. He and his friend, (what was his name?) were smoking
a cigar.
F-ABRAHAM!!!!!!!!
(remember him??)
Lisa
"Baseball is like church. Many attend, but few understand."-Wes Westrum