Maxim's 30 Worst Albums--not OT
Subw75
the REM newsgroup, and Hanson is #10. It seems to be a mixture of horrible
albums and okay albums, with the occasional why-is-that-on-the-list album
thrown in. Well, maybe REM and Hanson are the only ones that fall into the last
category.
I have to say, though, I've heard that Leonard Nimoy album, and it's hilarious.
Definitely worth owning.
30 Worst Albums of All Time
Hell is a seething mosh pit of unspeakable suffering, where the agonized
shrieks of the damned echo forever. Here's the soundtrack.
Maxim, April 2000
30. Milli Vanilli - All or Nothing
Poor Rob and Fab, flouncing around in their braids, flashing their Eurotrash
smiles at the front-row girls. With the deeply satisfying public humiliation
following the scandal (imagine having the Grammy repo man show up at your
door? Hahaha!), it's easy to forget just how wretched this album was,
whoever the hell sang it. Two years ago one of them took his own life; now
all that remains of Milli Vanilli is this skid mark on the ass of rock and
roll.
If you own it: You know who's Rob, who's Fab, and which one's dead.
29. Bruce Willis - The Return of Bruno
Die Hard is widely regarded as one of the ass-kickingest movies ever made,
and if there's a God, Bruce's tombstone will bear the immortal line ZED'S
DEAD, BABY. Any actor with notches like that in his belt deserves one vanity
album. On the other hand, if you can't sing, you can't sing. Blues and soul
classics are mangled with such cockiness-"One, two, three, four!" intros and
silly-if-it-ain't-live "Turn me loose!" "Help me, fellas!" ad libs-that you
start to understand why Alan Rickman's villain wanted to kill Willis so
very, very badly.
If you own it: When you get high you think you're black.
28. Michael Jackson HIStory
As if the entire free world didn't already own every one of his records.
This bloated greatest-hits package is less a tribute to Wacko Jacko's
rapidly declining talent than to his insatiable ego: See dictatorial statue
on the cover. The double-disc set pinpoints the moment Jackson went off his
nut: approximately 2:37 into "Black or White," neatly dividing his career
into the Brooke Shields, buying-the-Elephant-Man's-bones era and the
Macaulay Culkin, chimps-and-surgical-masks era.
If you own it: Go away.
27. Jewel - Spirit
When Jewel came to the Grammys in a see-through dress, we forgave the
straight-from-Lifetime lyrics. Then she started thinking of herself as an
"artist" and released a book of insufferable cat-box-liner poetry. Just when
she couldn't sink any lower, she wiped her ass on a disc and sold it as her
second album, Spirit, with 14 completely identical pieces of tripe cowritten
by Big Bird, Elmo, and the letter H. Jewel's career is now officially bust.
But thanks for the mammaries.
If you own it: You will say or do anything to get laid.
26. PEARL JAM - Vitalogy
As near as we can figure, the chorus of "Better Man" goes something like
this: "She lotta sen shein luh widdim / Kin faddah bedda man / She dreesin
cullus she dreesin ray / Kin faddah bedda mayeeeee-an." Completely
unintelligible lyrics, even by Vedder standards? Must mean we're not worthy.
Wait a minute: On further inspection, the song turns out to be a crock of
shit! No wonder Vedder refuses to talk to anybody. And that's the best tune
on the album! Even real fans can't listen to songs like "Hey
Foxymophandlemama, That's Me" without cringing.
If you own it: I said no foam on that latte, zit-face.
25. Barbra Streisand - Soundtrack to Yentl
This soundtrack to Babs' weepy flick about a Jewish girl who pretends to be
a boy so she can go to Hebrew school is everything you hate about Broadway:
melodramatic orchestration, overcomplicated song structures, and sweeping
crescendos every 10 or 12 words, all of it being strangled in the death grip
of Barbra's rafter-scraping bellyachin'. But it can still give you a good
laugh: The next time a friend's going on a long car trip, switch this sludge
for his Limp Bizkit. Then get yourself a good sturdy guard dog for when he
gets back.
If you own it: You have a keenly developed sense of irony. But you're a
dick.
24. Vanilla Ice - Hard to Swallow
Rarely do you come across an album quite so aptly titled, and rarely do you
see an artist so doomed from the starting gate. It wasn't Vanilla's fault
that all non-Beastie white-boy rap is instantly relegated to novelty status.
But in a freezer section already crowded with legitimate talents like Ice
Cube and Ice T, there wasn't any room for mediocre Caucasian gangsta
poseurs. Eight years down the road, the resurgent Iceman cometh back, laying
a thrash-metal turd called Hard to Swallow. Too bad for Vanilla that the
only thing colder than metal today is. ice.
If you own it: Wow, what does a penis taste like?
21. Jesse Camp - Jesse & the 8th Street Kidz
Jesse Camp, the slack-jawed, bejeweled lobotomy poster child with just
enough brain function to keep from accidentally putting his own eyes out,
won an MTV veejay contest, thereby breaking the third seal of the
Apocalypse. He looks lost enough on planet Earth without tackling a second
career as front-thing for a pointless garage band, but there ya go. Camp's
unexpectedly gravelly whiskey voice is so wildly inappropriate for his
authority-bashin' kid-stuff subject matter that it's just too silly to talk
about.
If you own it: Dad wants the credit card back.
22. Poison - Look What the Cat Dragged In
A nanosecond or two after MTV's debut dragged rock and roll in front of the
cameras, hair bands galore started sprouting up all over the place. Mötley
Crüe actually had some metal chops; even Quiet Riot had Randy Rhoads, at
least for one album. But Poison was absolute purity: all hair spray and
parody falsettos, and none of that cloying talent or songwriting ability.
Not even crippling drug problems could save their careers. The dudes are
wearing makeup, right there on the cover-what more do you need to know?
If you own it: Table six needs more rolls.
21. The Notorious B.I.G. - Born Again
We're still honestly surprised that 325-pound rapper Biggie Smalls could
roll himself out of a flying-buttress-reinforced bed, let alone drag all his
morbidly obese asses into a recording studio. Is it any wonder his creative
output actually increased after he became the notorious D.O.A.? Released
more than a year after his old-growth-forest-depleting coffin was spiked
shut, this second posthumous disc is yet another meaningless tribute to hos
and bitches. Oddly enough, no cover of "Wipeout."
If you own it: What's it like being on Shasta McNasty?
20. Bon Jovi - Blaze of Glory
"Inspired by the film Young Guns II." Has any more damning line been penned
by God or man? Jon Bon, that posturing pretty boy and self-described cowpoke
(".on a steel horse I ride."), left his posse and rode out all alone on this
ambitious solo project: to noodle around with the cowboy metaphor until
Billy the Kid spun in his grave. Jeff Beck, Elton John, and Lou Diamond
Phillips (one of these things is not like the others) climb on board to see
what all Bon Jovi's album sales are about but leave no discernible
footprints.
If you own it: Um, why are you wearing chaps?
19. Regis Philbin - It's Time for Regis!
Game show host, talk show host.lounge lizard? For $2,000, the answer
is.Regis Philbin! Long before he agreed to keep Kathie Lee busy for four
hours every morning so Frank could go screw around, Rege released this
silly, soulless collection of his own bad self singing classic show tunes
and the like: "Mame," "Pennies from Heaven," "Swanee." The year was 1968,
and over the next several years, record numbers of young American men fled
to Canada. Coincidence? We don't think so. And yes, that's our final answer.
If you own it: Shh! QVC's doing a special on Beanie Babies!
18. Huey Lewis & the News - Fore! The pinnacle of soulless robopop, Huey
Lewis et al. combined the talent of a third-rate wedding band with the
passion of a used car salesman. With a childlike mastery of simple irony
("Happy to Be Stuck with You," "Hip to Be Square"- get it? Get it?) the crew
put together eight albums of the most trite claptrap ever set to music. In
the mid '80s they were hands down the best reason to whip your car radio out
the window. Not even Doc Brown's amazing time machine can save them from
landfill oblivion.
If you own it: How's that oat bran working for ya?
17. Oasis - Every Single Album You've got to hand it to the Brits: When they
suck, they don't do a half-assed job. Proclaiming themselves better than the
Beatles (who claimed to be bigger than Jesus-you do the math), these
Brit-shits recorded some of the most annoying songs ever written. Frontman
Noel Gallagher is such a self-centered priss, he makes Prince look like
Mother Teresa. Whinefests like "Wonderwall" perfectly showcase his grating,
five-year-old-with-a-toothache voice, earning him the title of Singer We'd
Most Like to Hit in the Mouth with a Hammer.
If you own it: Just what the hell is a "champagne supernova"?
16. David Hasselhoff - Hooked on a Feeling If a genie offered three wishes,
a logical set might be: wealth, fame, and a job frolicking on the coast with
scorchingly hot women. But that's not enough for some people. Hasselhoff
wasn't being taken seriously as an artiste, so he squirted out an album that
'd never have made it past the Polydor receptionist if Baywatch weren't the
biggest show on earth. Dave's outclassed here by his female supporting cast
(vocalists Nu Flavor, Marilyn Martin, etc.). Just like on TV!
If you own it: Mom, what are you doing reading this?
15. Various artists - If I Were a Carpenter
We know, we know-you sorta like this one. But it's the principle of the
thing. Richard and Karen's flowery up-with-people optimism should have been
given the chance to die a quiet, natural death; the very idea that a bunch
of '70s-chastened modern artists, even complete hacks like Dishwalla, should
wolf it down with gusto and regurgitate it for a new generation is downright
obscene. No, here at Maxim we prefer to remember the late Karen Carpenter
just the way she was-on her knees in the kitchen, face-down in the dog food
bowl.
If you own it: The dickey's looking sharp, my man!
14. Rolling Stones - Emotional Rescue
Wrestling with the demons of disco, the Stones recorded a wide range of
songs for Some Girls but wisely resisted the temptation to make it a double
album. Then they released the God-awful dregs anyway-as Emotional Rescue, a
double-dipped tea bag, a pathetic collection of misfit toys. Just compare
Jagger's joke falsetto ("Is there nothin' I could say / Nothin' I could
do?") with his slick Svengali, seven octaves lower ("Yes, you could be
mine. I will be your knight in shining armor."). If he wasn't taking it
seriously, why should you?
If you own it: Oh, there you are! We've been looking for you.
13. Ace of Base - The Sign Ah, Sweden.sweet Quebec of Europe. Meatballs,
platinum blondes, porn videos, and reindeer molesting. It'd been nearly two
decades since the Swedes had basked in the international glory that was
national icon Abba, so can you blame 'em for going back to the same old
formula? Same two-girls, two-guys structure; same stuck-in-your-head
catchiness; same alphabetical end of the 99¢ bargain bin. Superheavy radio
rotation turned what should have been a couple of fun and forgettable
singles into a grisly haunting.
If you own it: You can pronounce the names of your Ikea furniture.
12. Bob Dylan - Self Portrait
What was the event that told us the '60s were really over? Was it the
election of Richard Nixon? The Kent State murders? Or was it 1970's Self
Portrait? The first song, in which Bob doesn't even bother to make an
appearance, consists entirely of women singing the phrase "All the tired
horses in the sun / How'm I supposed to get any ridin' done?"-14 friggin'
times. Incredibly, unthinkably, it goes downhill from there. Pick your own
favorite low point: Ours is the cover of Gordon Lightfoot's "Early Morning
Rain."
If you own it: Psst! You holding, man?
11. Ricky Martin - Ricky Martin
In this hype-happy age, even one-hit wonders can be juggernauts. Ricky
Martin mania was coldly calculated to take advantage of women's tragically
insatiable appetite for "the Latin thang": Animated fashion mannequin
scribbles handful of songs about looking for love, mysterious women, etc.,
pumps his hips on national TV, and sells buttloads of records. As an Elvis
parody, it almost works. As an album, it bites weenie. "Skin the color of
mocha"? Somebody find our shotgun.
If you own it: We have some shocking news for you about Peter Allen.
10. Hanson - Middle of Nowhere Ever since Menudo, every generation's had its
girlishly adorable, shriek-generating, training-bra-gathering little-boy
band who get so successful so fast they never see the sledgehammer of
justice poised to crack the tops of their tousled little heads like so many
blond watermelons. That this album has listenable pockets at all is a
triumph of engineering over a raw lack of talent, but it's really nothing
more than gilding the dingleberry. Farewell, girlie-boys: See you a couple
of years down the road on Jerry Springer.
If you own it: You should have trashed those jpegs before the feds seized
your hard drive.
9. TIE: Debbie Gibson - Electric Youth ? Tiffany - Hold an Old Friend's Hand
Peppy, cute girls were annoying in high school, and that didn't change when
they went pro. Deb and Tiff crossed the radar screens at the same time, and
suddenly the FM band was erupting with perky pimples like Gibson's "Lost in
Your Eyes." Tiffany explored the dark side ("Help! He's breaking up with
me!"); Gibson, the marginally more talented, stayed positive ("We're
friends and that's what matters!"). Their 15 minutes was literal.
If you own 'em: You own a bedazzler and think acid wash is coming back.
Air Supply - The Definitive Collection 8"Lost in Love," "The One That You
Love," "All Out of Love"-you remember the theme. Sure, we all relied on
these songs to get laid. But honestly, what choice did we have? It was
either make out to the saccharine platitudes already drenching our
girlfriends' cute little undergarments ("Girl, you're every woman in the
world to me.") or go home and listen to Pink Floyd all by ourselves. And
that's the only reason we let these horrible falsetto geldings feed so long
at the teat of success that they actually managed to put out a definitive
collection.
If you own it: Guys like you get reamed in prison.
7. Leonard Nimoy - Highly Illogical
This LP and its spiritual brother, William Shatner's The Transformed Man,
reveal Star Trek's dynamic duo as closet beat poets. Here's the scene, man:
groovy shagadelic lounge music, girls with beehives and miniskirts doing the
twist, and right out front, Spock! Nimoy's inhuman droning spans a ragtag
collection of tunes ("Proud Mary," "Ballad of Bilbo Baggins"); mercifully,
he pauses at least once or twice in every song to deliver the era's
standard-issue poking-flowers-in-gun-barrels planetary-love philosophy. If
you own it: You feud with relatives over which was better-the original
series or Next Generation.
6. Yoko Ono - Onobox At first we thought the nefarious Beatle-buster was
going to present a problem. She's been far too prolific for us to get all
her, um, works in a list of only 30 crappy albums.and yet, how do you go
about beginning to rank their relative horrors? Then, God be praised, we
came across this baby: six CDs of uninterrupted screechy peacenik nonsense.
And there were high-fives all around.
If you own it: Jack Kevorkian would like a word with you.
5. R.E.M. - Monster
Occasionally a well-respected band puts out a subpar effort-hey, it happens.
In rare situations, an otherwise good band puts out an album so wretchedly
awful that it can only be referred to as crap. With this Monster, R.E.M.
goes a step further: It somehow manages to give crap a bad name. Here, with
why-bother singles like "Crush with Eyeliner" and "Bang and Blame," R.E.M.
seems to be daring God himself to strike it down-perhaps with a
legend-securing fatal plane crash?
If you own it: You mime the "Everybody Hurts" video.
4. Michael Flatley - Lord of the Dance Call us cretins, but the only thing
worse than watching long lines of Irish lads and lasses clatter around the
stage is having to listen to them. This is strictly for people with foot
fetishes. Denis Leary said it best: "Lord of the Dance. The last time
someone came down here and called themself lord of anything, we crucified
him. And we still know where the nails are."
If you own it: Your workmen's comp claim was denied after that nude
somersault into a Saint Patrick's Day parade.
3. The Osmonds - Osmond Family Christmas Album It's a yuletide miracle: This
album is actually worse than you'd expect-dismal, muddy production,
aimlessly meandering harmonies, jarringly shifting tempos. Every so often, a
song will grind to a mid-chorus halt so some damned Osmond can belt out a
heartfelt kicker. Donny and Marie don't reek quite as badly as when all the
Osmonds gather 'round, but on the whole this is about as cheery as trying to
get a bloated dead elf out of your chimney.
If you own it: You've finally met your Mormon bride.
2. Yanni and John Tesh - The Endless Dream We at Maxim don't throw the
phrase "worse than Hitler" around lightly. We're students of history; we
know what the man did. But really, the twin pestilences of Yanni and Tesh
infecting the very same album? What's next, a hail of blood? Fire and
brimstone? If you find this album stashed in your girlfriend's collection,
don't try to be a hero: Just grab the CD, take a good, sharp car key, and
dig four or five deep grooves radiating out from the center of the disc.
Then gather up all your belongings and get the hell out of Dodge.
If you own it: Terrible, terrible things will soon happen to you. We
promise.
1. Soundtrack of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band In 7,000 years of
civilization, has man ever produced a better reason to plunge ice picks into
both ears? Nope. The Bee Gees, Peter Frampton, and a cast of irregulars that
runs from Billy Preston to George "I'm Not Quite Dead Yet" Burns are
mysteriously allowed to trample classic Beatles songs into shit chowder.
"She's Leaving Home" is whined through a Mr. Roboto-like synthesizer, Steve
Martin gives "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" the "King Tut" treatment-oh, we can't
possibly go on. Trust us: You don't want to be in Barry Gibb's shoes come
Judgment Day.
If you own it: Nobody will ever love you.
Find Me Here
It's Maxim, I'm not really one to take them seriously. lol.
-Mare
"I'm not drunk, I just cant walk straight!"
"Florida is America's wang."-Simpsons
If your movie's going to have a happy ending, you just have to see it through
Subw75
>>Maxim's 30 Worst Albums--not OT
>
>It's Maxim, I'm not really one to take them seriously. lol.
I don't think anyone does.
Leah
I thought Jewel's first album was good. but this new shit is too Britney like.
>26. PEARL JAM - Vitalogy
That CD is cool as all hell. bah.
>: "She lotta sen shein luh widdim / Kin faddah bedda man / She dreesin
>cullus she dreesin ray / Kin faddah bedda mayeeeee-an.
LOL omg, if that's what they say about Eddie, wtf are they gonna say about
Taylor...
>
>21. Jesse Camp - Jesse & the 8th Street Kidz
I never did listen to that. I used to love that guy man lol
>Whinefests like "Wonderwall" perfectly showcase his grating,
>five-year-old-with-a-toothache voice,
I loved that song... I loved all of their songs, actually.
>remember the late Karen Carpenter
>just the way she was-on her knees in the kitchen, face-down in the dog food
>bowl.
=/
>lack of talent
What? He must be deaf. yeah.
--Leah
"If I hugged you, I'd have to hug these guys...
and I don't think these guys want a hug from me!"
-Mike<3
the curious girl under glass.
>
>I never did listen to that. I used to love that guy man lol
me too. i thought he was hilarious [&cute ;x]
i believe in heads up pennies &4leaf clovers
over &over still i cant see my luck running out
right in front of me. you change your mind,
but not your heart. <3fran.
blurty ; slowlyfallapart[friends only!]
geocities.com/franxc0re
the curious girl under glass.
WHY is Oasis on there? :[
she is a clerk
>
because they're whiney talentless shits.
-rachel
it's strange the things you learn from your mother, like the way to throw your
head back when you're swallowing pills
Lady Don
"Wonderwall" and "Champagne Supernova" were amazing songs.
[-dicey*-]
*~*~*
http://www.livejournal.com/~shadypoof
*~*~*
When I see you
It's like I'm staring down the sun
And I'm blinded
There's nothing left to do
But still I see you
*~*~*
http://www.harlanhoward.com
http://www.morningcalling.com
she is a clerk
they were catchy songs, yeah. they were popular songs, yeah. they were even
likable songs. but I wouldn't go as far as to say they are amazing. none of
their songs stand out as exceptional, they aren't that talented. simple
structures and trite lyrics. though I will admit to tapping a toe or two to
'shes electric'. they're still wastes of guinness.
the q is silent
>
> 30 Worst Albums of All Time
Not that I expect much in intelligent commentary from Maxim, especially
in the arena of music, but damn, talk about an uninspired list. This
seems like something that was an in-joke around the office, maybe a
floating memo, and somehow it actually got stuck into the magazine.
Talk about your boring, obvious choices: Milli Vanilli, Bruce Willis,
Babs, Yoko, Spock. And then a bunch that are obviously just spiteful
jibes at groups the people on the editing staff have personal hard-ons
for, for whatever reason: Jewel, Pearl Jam, Hanson, Oasis.
And The Sign is a good pop album no matter what standard you're going
by.
Still, the Sgt. Pepper soundtrack is a clever choice for number one.
--
Jyqm
"I guess we don't believe
That things could go that far
We all believe in people...
That we think believe in God"
Nobody Cares Like a Bean
i could not STAND him.
}}i{{ Kristal
---
Why do you want me to hang on?
I don't care
All my will to live is gone
One more day
It's all that I give myself
--
Evnstars: "HEY SUPER DOR COCKS!"
blondie
>"Wonderwall"
i have such a personal dislike for this song that has absolutely nothing to do
with the song. It isn't half bad, but... i hate it :-P yeah....gr
>~*(Beckie)*~<
http://www.livejournal.com/users/TheBlondie
*I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt,
only more love* Mother Teresa
Melissa
Way to try too hard with the humor...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
caught a lightweight lightningseed...
http://www.livejournal.com/~frailbedazzled
Ghetto Fabulous
>>cullus she dreesin ray / Kin faddah bedda mayeeeee-an.
>
I never had trouble understanding that.. i always thought it was :
"She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man..."
Amy
* * * * *
"I love men.. they way they are, they way they smell, the way they roll with
the big girls" - Mother Love