A GOON SHOW SCRIPT! - UNDER TWO FLOORBOARDS!!!!
Steve Dale
scripts onto paper, and so here's another of them
ENJOYYYYYYYY FOLKS!!!
______________________________________________________
THE GOON SHOW
Under Two Floorboards; a story of the Legion.
(Show 6, Series 6)
Bill: This is the BBC
Peter: Is there no relief?
Harry: Ladies and Gentlemen; the highly esteemed, Goon Show!
ORCH: ELIZABETHAN TUNE, FLUTE AND HARP.
Bill: High Towers, with its great ivy-covered windows, relieved by mullioned
walls.
This was the ancestral home of Lady Seagoon; One butler, two cooks, three
maids,
six gardeners, eight horses, fourteen cows, seven pigs, and....Ned Seagoon.
Ned: Yes, I am the Honourable Neddie Seagoon, eldest Son. We had all been
to the
University, I took law, while my brothers took medicine.
Eccles: We were ill! (guffaw) (sings) I'm only a strolling vagabond...
Ned: Shut up! It was the year 1908. We had just come down from Balyol
School
Cambridge. Ah, it was pleasant to be home, and I walked around the even
lawn,
pausing only to smooth down the places where my brother had buried a bone.
Then I noticed my uncle, Grytpype Thynn. He was idly climbing out of a
hammock which hung easily between my two brothers.
Grytpype:
Ah, nephew Neddie! Looking forward to the ball tonight?
Neddie: Oh Yes sir. My mother will be wearing the Blue Shower necklace,
worth a king's
ransom! Been in the family three hundred years!
Grytpype: She's kept remarkably well!
Neddie: No, no, no, the Blue Shower!
Grytpype: ...Yes. Neddie, I've got a little present for you!
Neddie: Oh Thank you uncle, you're always giving me presents! First a
christening mug
and now this!
Grytpype: It's a book.
Neddie: A book? Oh yes...I've seen one of these before!
Grytpype: (aside) I wonder if it would be wiser to draw pictures for him?
(aloud) It's called
Beau Geste, Neddie.
Neddie: Lovely. I'll read it tomorrow.
Grytpype: No, you must read it all before the ball tonight. Oh, and here's
a bookmark.
Neddie: I say that's rather novel. It's a single ticket to Marselles!
Grytpype: Well done! I say, you are quite sure that your mother is wearing
the Blue Shower
tonight?
Neddie: Yes!
Grytpype: Read!
Neddie: Beau Geste; what a wonderful book! During the next five minutes I
read it again
and again. On the last page was a note from uncle. It read, "Pass it on
to your
brothers, I've given them both bookmarks" What a kind man uncle was! I
passed
it on.
Eccles: Ohh; look! Look what Neddie's given us!
Bluebottle: Eeehee! Let's put some wheels on it then we can pull it
around! So enters
Honourable Bluebottle, the third son. I like this rich game! Thinks:
I'm a
happy-go-lucky lad! Signals butler to wipe my nose.
Neddie: Dear brothers, that thing there is a book!
Bluebottle: Yes, go on, read it to little Bluebottle, Eccles, I like it when
you read to me, you
know that! Sits in listening pose so as not to miss dinner gong.
Eccles: Yeah, well, let me see, it's called, er...Boo.... Booo...Gost...no,
...booo....gest-e...
Shall I draw a pussycat?
Bluebottle: No, go on read it Eccles, it was just getting interesting!
Eccles: Yeah well, unm, it starts off,....on..ce yaupooon...
...ah....tooii...toi...
Bluebottle: Time!
Eccles: Time! That's it! I knew it was a 'W'.
Neddie: Enjoying it?
Eccles: Yeah; it's a funny book! (Eccles and Bluebottle have a good laugh)
(pause)
Neddie: Perhaps I read it wrongly! After all, both my brothers held
university degrees!
<Ahem> Do you mind If I listen while you read?
Eccles: Yeah. OK, yeah. Let's see now. 'Then the big giant walked over
the hill with a
big club in his hand!'
Neddie: Where's that?
Eccles: Dere!
Neddie: There? It says, 'the garden was bathed in the cold light of an
august moon.'
(pause)
Eccles: Shall I draw a pussycat?
Neddie: Look, I'll read it for you. (fast) 'Once upon a time there were
three brothers...
(speeds up and fades out)
ORCHESTRA: HARP LINK
FX: STATELY BACKGROUND MUSIC, SMALL CROWD
Grytpype: Ah; nephew Neddie. Enjoying the ball?
Neddie: Immensely, I've danced every dance!
Grytpype: Oh, who's the lucky girl?
Neddie: Oh I don't bother with them, I'm much better on my own!
Grytpype: Charming. By the way, did you read Beau Geste?
Neddie: Oh yes, about the three brothers who, having come down from Balyol
School,
attended a ball where their mother's diamond was stolen, and rather than
sneak on
each other, joined the Foreign Legion!
Grytpype: Right lot of charlies weren't they..er...I mean Noble lads!
Neddie: (noble) You know uncle, that's the sort of thing I'd do. Honori
Tempis
et Gratis; Up the school; Last man in and ten runs to get; (sings) Boots,
boots,
boots, boots, tramping over Africa; there's no discharge in the Waaaaarr!!
Grytpype: You silly twisted boy you! By the way, have you still got the
ticket to Marselles...I mean the bookmark?
Neddie: Yes.
Ray Ellington: Neddie!!!
Neddie: Yes mother?
Ray: Come into my room!
FX: DOOR CLOSING
Ray: OK, now which of you three layabouts has it?
Spike: (apologetically) He was all right at the audition!
Ray: The Blue Shower necklace has been pinched!
Neddie: Just like the book!
Eccles: Ooh. has that been pinched too?
Ray: If that necklace isn't back by tomorrow, I'll send for the police!
Come on, off you
go to your rooms, you've got until tomorrow!
FX: THREE WHOOSHES, THREE DOORS SLAM.
Grytpype: To think that the Blue Shower cost me only three and six nett...oh
yes, and three
novel bookmarks! So far so good! (sings) I'm only a strolling
vagabond...Ah,
here we are, little Neddie's room (knocks) Neddie? Oh Neddie, it's your
rich
uncle. (opens door) Ned...Oh splendid lad, he's gone! And a farewell note
to his
mother, how charming!
Spike: The devilish cunning of it all!
Grytpype: And that isn't all! Gelgray? Play Neddie's journey to
Marselles!
Max Gelgray & Orchestra: music
(applause)
FX: CORNY BAND PLAYING 'THE BLACK BEAR' AND ARMY MARCHING
AT TRIPLE SPEED, MIX IN BATTLE.
Neddie: STOOOOOOOPPPPP!! (FX OUT) I haven't joined yet! It had been a
pleasant
trip in a railway coach marked, "H. Burkes, 14 Arms" and "M. Charlie"! And
now here I was in the Legion Recruiting Center at Marselles. I was just
reading
the second wall, when the door opened.
FX; DOOR OPENS
Bloodnok: Ooohhhh; Moulon Rouge, Follies Begere, and other naughty French
words! So, you want to join the Legion, eh?
Neddie: I gazed at the Legion Officer. His skin was burned fiery red by
the hot Algerian
brandy. On his chest was a coloured ribbon from which dangled....a penny!
Bloodnok: We can't all have medals you know! Now lad, first a few
questions. Name?
Neddie: Ned Seagoon!
Bloodnok: (writing) N..ed,S,E,A,G,O,O,O,double-O,N.
Neddie: Oui, mon Capitane!
Bloodnok: Oh, you're German!
Neddie: No, I'm a true Britisher!
Bloodnok: Well, there's a novelty! You speak French?
Neddie: (fast) Oui mon Capitaine, Je parle francaise comme de'juienne!
Bloodnok: Well you'll just have to learn it the same as I did. Now for the
jackpot question.
Have you any money or valuables on you?
Neddie: About five pounds
Bloodnok: Oooh, there'll be joybells in the NAAFI tonight! Hand it over!
Neddie: Well...er....
Bloodnok: It'll be returned to you on your de-mob! Off you go, first door
on your left.
Neddie: This door?
Bloodnok: That's the one!
Neddie: Thank you!
FX DOOR OPENING. SUDDEN HUGE BATTLE, SHOUTS, YELLS, BUGLE
CALLS, MUSKETS, CANNON, THUNDER OF CAVALRY HOOVES, ETC.
DOWN UNDER:
Bill: Listeners may well like to know how a man can walk through a door in
Marselles
and appear in the thick of a battle in Africa! We're not giving all our
secrets away,
by Jove we're not!
FX: UP, CONTINUES FOR A FEW SECONDS.
Moriarty: Siloncee! (sic) (FX OUT) Legion! Fall in!
FX: ARMY FALLS IN.
Moriarty: Silonce! Sacre Bleu, Sapristi Nockos! You there! You with
the size 53 nut!
Slooope...Umbrella!
FX: PLATOON SLOPES ARMS
Neddie: So this was the famous Legion. I drew myself to my full height and
stared dead
ahead at his belt!
Moriarty: Tell mon petite France; can you march?
Neddie: Only with my feet!
Moriarty: Good! It's only 20 miles back to the fort! I hope for your
sake, you will be able
to keep up with us!
Neddie: Oui mon Capitane! (aside) Keep up with them indeed! Did you not
know that I
was a Britisher?!
Moriarty: Legion! By the left! Double march!
FX: 'BLACK BEAR' TRIPLE MARCH BEHIND FAST MARCHING AS BEFORE.
FADES.
ORCHESTRA: 'ENGLISHMAN LOST IN DESERT THEME'
Neddie: Alone in the African desert; without a compass or a guide!
However, by carefully
noting the position of the sun, I could tell it was still daytime! But
this heat was
hot! (gasps) I unbuttoned my overcoat! Then, just as I was about to cry,
'water!'
I saw two people approaching....
(MIN AND HENRY APPROACHING.)
Minnie: ...I told you the tide was out Henry,
Henry: ...Not going home without having a paddle!
Minnie: Listen Henry, the man will want another threepence for this deck
chair, buddy.
Neddie: Excuse me.
Minnie: I don't want a donkey ride!
Neddie: I don't intend to give you one!
Henry: Young man, can you tell us where the sea is?
Neddie: I'm afraid not.
Henry: And you call yourself a lifeguard?
Neddie: I'm not a lifeguard, I'm a legionnaire, and I've lost the fort!
Henry: Where did you have it last?
Neddie: I'm a legionnaire you know! A crack fighting force! Il ne patre
pas! Marchent!
(sings) Allons enfants de la Patria, (fades) la jour de glorie est arrive...
Minnie: I wonder if that young man could help us.
Henry: How Min?
Minnie: To find Ned Seagoon!
Henry: We don't need to ask anybody Min, we've got his description, its only
a matter of
keeping our eyes open!
Minnie: Yes, we've just got to find a soldier wearing the Blue Shower
necklace!
Henry: Oh, I never thought of that!
Minnie: And you call yourself a detective?!
Henry: Minnie, keep quiet dear, or you'll break out in another rash!
(Min and Henry fade out)
ORCHESTRA: SAME 'LOST IN DESERT' THEME AGAIN
Bill: Ten days later, the weary figure of Ned Seagoon approached the fort.
Neddie: It wasn't ten days, it was three and a half weeks!
Bill: At the risk of being volatile, I would like to inform the listeners
that according to
the Radio Times it was ten days! However, after Ned Seagoon's ordeal in the
desert we can forgive his inaccuracy.
Neddie: I should know, shouldn't I, I was there, wasn't I? It was three and
a half weeks!
Moriarty: Ahhhh! A new recruit! Where have you been for the last ten
days?
Bill: ...And the Radio Times only costs threepence!
Moriarty: Thank you! Tell me now, legionnaire, look at the state you're
in! Covered in
sand! Wherrrrrre have you been?
Neddie: Iiiiiiin the desert!
Moriarty: Aaaaa likely story!
BUGLE: SOUNDS 'ALERT'
Moriarty: Sacre Fred!! We're being attacked! Up on the walls men! If
you want me, I'll
be under my bed!
Neddie: STOP!! Sir; there's only one of them!
Moriarty: (off) Is he unarmed?
Neddie: Yes!
Moriarty: (on) Right men; FIRE!
FX: FURIOUS RIFLE FIRE, LASTS THREE SECONDS, ENDS SUDDENLY
Moriarty: Missed! I say, keep still out there! These bullets cost money!
Neddie: Perhaps he has a message for us! (calls) Avez vous un meshoise for
us?!
Eccles: Oui! (sings) I'm only a strolling vagabond!...
Neddie: Sir, sir, this idiot is my brother! Eccles! What are you doing
dressed like an
arab?
Eccles: It's my Foreign Legion uniform!
Neddie: It's not; it's the uniform of the Arabs!
Eccles: Well, when I joined the Foreign Legion, they gave me this, closed
the gates and
said, 'good luck!'
Neddie: I ran to let my brother in. It was good to see him again!
Eccles, you've got tall!
Eccles: Oooh, this isn't all me!
Neddie: Isn't it?
Eccles: Nope, I'm sitting on mudder's shoulders!
Neddie: Mother's shoulders?
Eccles: I couldn't get a camel!
Ray: Neddie! My eldest boy!
Neddie: Mother!
Moriarty: May I 'ave ze honour of 'earing you play ze music?
Ray: But, wiz pleasure!
Ray Ellington Quartet; Naughty Lady of Shady Lane.
(applause)
FX: BLACK BEAR TRIPLE MARCH AS BEFORE. DOWN UNDER
Neddie: In the next few weeks we must have marched hundreds of miles a day.
During
these marches not a word of complaint passed my lips as I sat huddled in
Eccles' pack!
Eccles: Oooh, you bin ridin' round in my pack?
Neddie: You don't mind do you?
Eccles: You'd better not let mudder know!
Neddie: Why?
Eccles: I bin ridin around in hers! (laughs)
Neddie: Good old mater!
Eccles: Yeah, Ooh, by the way Neddie, I saw the Captain last week, and he
told me to tell
you he wants you to see him in his office right away!
Neddie: What? Why didn't you tell me last week?
Eccles: Well, if I told you last week, you've forgotten by now!
Neddie: Thank you Eccles! I am only a week late! A Week!
FX: WHOOSH, SWIFT KNOCK
Moriarty: Come in!
Neddie: I'm terribly sorry sir, really I am, but I know I'm late but it's my
own fault. My
brother told me last week and I forgot. I am completely to blame. I should
have
reported to you last week when my brother informed me, but it slipped my
memory, and the blame is entirely mine.
Moriarty: Come in!
FX; DOOR OPENING
Neddie: It's all Eccles's fault sir!
Moriarty: Never mind that now. I have a visitor to see you.
Neddie: Visitor?
Moriarty: First of all; how much is the Blue Shower necklace worth?
Neddie: About er....a kings ransom! All depends on who the king is! (wild
laugh)...ahem.
Moriarty: So, you ARE Neddie Seagoon! I have a visitor for you. Entrez!
FX: DOOR OPENS
Grytpype: Ahh, Nephew Neddie!
Neddie: Uncle Grytpype!
Moriarty: Sacre Nom du Bleu, Sapristi Yakabakakas! Then it IS true! You
ARE this
charlie's uncle!
Grytpype: I'm afraid so. Now Neddie; the necklace!
Neddie: I haven't got it uncle!
Grytpype: Search his neck!
FX: NEDDIE'S NECK BEING SEARCHED,VARIOUS GRUNTS, GROANS,
NEDDIE GURGLING, ETC.
Moriarty: Curse! Nothing except this string of glass beads and a
full-length portrait of his
mother!
Grytpype: Listen Neddie; I took the Blue Shower necklace; at the ball I hung
up my jacket to
do the Mambo, and when I returned, the pocket containing the necklace was
gone!
Neddie: What a dastardly trick! Who would want to rob you? Sir I didn't
take it;
honestly I didn't!
ORCHESTRA: BUGLE CALL
Moriarty: Sapristi Knockos! Man the walls! The Arabs are attacking!
FX: ARABS ATTACKING; FULL BATTLE
Neddie: It was a terrible battle! The enemy hurled themselves upon us with
swords, rifles,
machine guns, and worst of all, seven hundred rock-cakes!
ORCHESTRA: BUGLE, RETREAT
Neddie: Then it came! The order to retreat! We didn't know it at the
time, but this was
one of the greatest retreats in the history of war! Back we went as far as
Morocco!
FX: BATTLE UP, THEN DOWN...
Neddie: To the African coast, still fighting! The Mediterranean was
littered with Dow's and
dead tampans as we gamely retreated! Twice we had to buy ammunition from
the
Arabs! Days turned into weeks!
FX: BATTLE UP, THEN REFEREE'S WHISTLE. BATTLE STOPS. SOUNDS OF BIG
CROWD...
Custom Official: (Peter, bored) Next please. Anything to declare, watches,
clocks, finery?
Neddie: Nothing.
Ray: Nothing.
Eccles: Er...
Custom Official: Well, anything to declare?
Eccles: Um...oh...it's good to be alive!
Custom Official: Yes. Pass along please. Next?
Arab 1 (Harry): (furious Arabic)
Custom Official: Thank you! Next?
Arab 2 (Bill): (furious Arabic)
Custom Official: Cor, there's thousands of them! All right, go straight
through...
FX: WHISTLE. BATTLE UP AGAIN.
Neddie: And still the battle raged! Down the Southend Road, and up the
Guildford
Bypass!
ORCHESTRA: HARP LINK
Bill: Meantime, in the ancestral home of Lady Seagoon, a lone figure lay in
bed, idly
dangling the Blue Shower.
Bluebottle: E-hee! I'm a happy-go-lucky rich boy! Thinks; now that
everybody is in the
Foreign Legion, I'm next in line for the title! E-heee! Stares at pimply
reflection in
the Blue Shower, and at the same time, also thinks, Here in the countryside
I'm
safe! It's the others who'll get the dreaded deading!
FX: BATTLE DRAWING NEARER.
Bluebottle: What is that noise that tickles little Bluebottle's earholes?
FX: DOOR OPENS
Butler: Sir, it appears that your brothers have returned home, and
furthermore....
Neddie: (entering) Hello Bluebottle, I'm glad to see...wait...YOU'VE got
the Blue Shower!
STOOOOOOOOP!!! (FX OUT) Gentlemen; I'm sorry, but you'll have to cease
the battle now!
OMNES: DISAPPOINTED CROWD MOANING
Neddie: I'm sorry, but this is our home you know! And what's more, WE'VE
FOUND
THE NECKLACE!!!
OMNES: CHEER!
Bluebottle: But the necklace is mine! Nyya!
Eccles: Hey, here you are Bluebottle, in return here's a rockcake!
Bluebottle: Oooh, thank you Eccles! I like rockcakes I do, I like them,
yes! Thinks, I've
never seen a rockcake with a pin in it before! Ah well, I've had a good
long run
this week. Stands to one side and pulls pin out.
FX: EXPLOSION.
ORCHESTRA: SAME PRETTY LITTLE ELIZABETHAN FLUTE AND HARP TUNE.
Bill: High towers, the home of Lady Seagoon,..
FX: FALLING WHISTLE
Bill: ...one butler, two cooks, four maids, eight-hundred-and-forty-two Arab
gardeners, six horses, and...
FX: THUMP!
Bill: Ooooh!
Bluebottle: Oh I'm sorry, did I fall on you?
Bill: YES, you little knobbly ham!
Bluebottle: Oh, you're smiling Wallace Greenslade, arn't you?
Bill: That's right!
Bluebottle: Well could I have a signed photograph of you? Cause I like you
on the wireless!
Bill: So do I! Have a toffee!
Bluebottle: Thank you! Fancy you; oh you're bigger than I thought you
was!...
(Bill and Bluebottle wander off into the distance still talking...)
ORCHESTRA: THEME UP, THEN DOWN UNDER...
Bill: That was the Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellars,
Harry
Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Gelgray.
The Orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Eric Sykes and Spike
Milligan, Announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter
Eton.
ORCHESTRA UP AND PLAY TO END.
PLAYOUT: CRAZY RHYTHM; Max and Orchestra.
-----------------------------------------------
Dramatis Personae:
Peter Sellars:
Bluebottle, Major Bloodnok, Grytpype Thynn, Henry Crun, Various Arabs,
Custom Official.
Spike Milligan:
Eccles, Captain Moriarty, Minnie Bannister, Various other Arabs, Butler.
Harry Secombe:
Neddie Seagoon
Ray Ellington:
Lady Seagoon, and the bongos (also sings rather well!)
Max Gelgray:
The Harmonica
Wallace Greenslade ('Bill'):
Announcer, and various other Arabs.
-
transcribed from the original BBC broadcast by Steve (Chipper) Dale.
'It's the same the 'ole world over
it's the poor wot gets the blame
and the rich wot gets the pleasure
ain't it all a bleedin' shame!'
PJS
(not the script - the real thing...)
Patrick
(who lives in Cambridge)
Steve Dale <chi...@ihug.co.nz> wrote in message
news:8gb4hs$5g5$1...@news.ihug.co.nz...
ggarside
>
> Thanks Steve - great stuff. btw, it's "Baliol" and it's in Oxford !
> (not the script - the real thing...)
> Patrick
> (who lives in Cambridge)
Errm, "Balliol", since we're counting.
And "Marseilles" in le pays d'ail.
So there! And there, and over there. too....and ugggh, right where I
stepped...
Geoff.
Steve Dix
wrote:
>
>Ned: Shut up! It was the year 1908. We had just come down from Balyol
>School
>Cambridge. Ah, it was pleasant to be home, and I walked around the even
>lawn,
>pausing only to smooth down the places where my brother had buried a bone.
>Then I noticed my uncle, Grytpype Thynn. He was idly climbing out of a
>hammock which hung easily between my two brothers.
>
Balyol?! BALYOL!?! Balliol!! Write the whole script out 100 times
and see me after school! PS. It helps to break up long posts into
several chunks, old chap.
Steve Dix ==================================================
http://www.snorty.net/ Weekly Mini-car cartoon
http://stage.vitaminic.co.uk/the_simpletons/ Hear our MP3s
Anon.
> On Mon, 22 May 2000 23:07:49 +1200, "Steve Dale" <chi...@ihug.co.nz>
> wrote:
>
> >
> >Ned: Shut up! It was the year 1908. We had just come down from Balyol
> >School
> >Cambridge. Ah, it was pleasant to be home, and I walked around the even
> >lawn,
> >pausing only to smooth down the places where my brother had buried a bone.
> >Then I noticed my uncle, Grytpype Thynn. He was idly climbing out of a
> >hammock which hung easily between my two brothers.
> >
>
> Balyol?! BALYOL!?! Balliol!! Write the whole script out 100 times
...and send each one to him.
>
> and see me after school! PS. It helps to break up long posts into
> several chunks, old chap.
>
OK, send send each one to him in small chunks.
Bob
Chris French
> > Balyol?! BALYOL!?! Balliol!!
>
> (looks up from keyboard which is worn to a frazzle. Fingers are bound in
> bandages and hurting like mad, eyes are hanging out of head, and back has
> seized up.
> Monitor screen is burned through, hard drive gave up the ghost thirty-seven
> shows
> ago, mouse pad is worn through to the table underneath. Mouse squeaks.
> Gasps and groans fill the air.)
>
> Ned: And so perish all enemies of the King!!!
>
> Orchestra of Military Bugle, Civilian drum and Piano played by pianist with
> arm out to show that he is turning right: TA-RAA CHORD!
Damn the Balliol clan -- they're all Longshanks' men!
Oh, wait, wrong script....
> 'It's the same the 'ole world over
> it's the poor wot gets the blame
> and the rich wot gets the pleasure
> ain't it all a bleedin' shame!'
Not if you're one of the rich, mate! :)
CF
Steve Dale
Steve Dix <st...@nothanks.dom.de> wrote in message
news:392a7e30...@news.gtn.com...
>
> Balyol?! BALYOL!?! Balliol!! Write the whole script out 100 times
> several chunks, old chap.
>
>
Steve Dale: (looks very contrite, and stands with hands together, head bowed
and one
foot on top of the other...) Sorry, but I'm from New Zealand, and we don't
have
Thingummy-type schools over here. I only writted what I heard. That's
what I
THOUGHT it spelled like! Please accept my humbliest apologies, and
herewith the script writted out 100 times...)
*****************
THE GOON SHOW
Wal: This is the BBC.....
-- (one thousand, nine hundred and forty-two pages of close-type
snipped...)--
Wal: ....Produced by Pat Dixon.
ORCHESTRA UP AND PLAYOUT.
----------------------
(looks up from keyboard which is worn to a frazzle. Fingers are bound in
bandages and hurting like mad, eyes are hanging out of head, and back has
seized up.
Monitor screen is burned through, hard drive gave up the ghost thirty-seven
shows
ago, mouse pad is worn through to the table underneath. Mouse squeaks.
Gasps and groans fill the air.)
Ned: And so perish all enemies of the King!!!
Orchestra of Military Bugle, Civilian drum and Piano played by pianist with
arm out to show that he is turning right: TA-RAA CHORD!
----------------------
Ref your postscript, I'll break the next lot up into manageable chunks for
you,
though you are the first complaint I have had!
In seriousness, request comments from others?
Steve Dix
wrote:
>(looks up from keyboard which is worn to a frazzle. Fingers are bound in
>bandages and hurting like mad, eyes are hanging out of head, and back has
>seized up.
>Monitor screen is burned through, hard drive gave up the ghost thirty-seven
>shows
>ago, mouse pad is worn through to the table underneath. Mouse squeaks.
>Gasps and groans fill the air.)
>
>Ned: And so perish all enemies of the King!!!
>
>Orchestra of Military Bugle, Civilian drum and Piano played by pianist with
>arm out to show that he is turning right: TA-RAA CHORD!
Good, let that be a lesson to you!
>----------------------
>Ref your postscript, I'll break the next lot up into manageable chunks for
>you,
>though you are the first complaint I have had!
>In seriousness, request comments from others?
>
In seriousness, It's common courtesy on usenet to chop a long post
into several smaller sections posted as follow-ons from the main
message, as otheriwise it can take a lot of time to download for those
with slower equipment/terminals. Sorry if I came across as a bit
sharp, I do appreciate the hard work that went into the
transcription.
Alastair Roxburgh
To Steve Dale: 'ere mate, I think in all seriousness, that Steve Dix is
pulling your leg. Your Floorboards script weighs in at just over 15,000
characters, which even on Steve Dix's old 110 baud teletype machine would
only take 25 minutes to download. Using an old 14,400 modem it would only
take 10 seconds to download. So, what's the beef with 15 measily K?
I implore you, please, please, please, do not break up your future
transcriptions. Perhaps you could be radical, and send the script as an
attachment. That way those of us with antique steam-powered downloaders
won't have to take risks.
Please everyone write in to the group and let us know if you would prefer
15K scripts to be split up, and what you consider would be the ideal number
of pieces. Also, please comment if the old usenet rules about message size
still rule OK.
Ouch, it gives me an ache in the old 'ead just trying to think about it...if
the pieces are much smaller than 15K, I'm not sure I'd find them back, and
even if I don't lose anything, the news server might still lose the best
part!
Anyway, a good peice of work Steve Dale. May you live long to do many more
transcriptions. Your latest effort was greatly appreciated here in Iowa!
Cheers,
Al Roxburgh_____________________________________________
Come and visit the newly revamped, expanded Telegoons web site at
http://www.kdsi.net/~captoz
Y'all come back now! (fake Hern talk).
Scott Morris
> To Steve Dale: 'ere mate, I think in all seriousness, that Steve Dix is
> pulling your leg. Your Floorboards script weighs in at just over 15,000
> characters, which even on Steve Dix's old 110 baud teletype machine would
> only take 25 minutes to download. Using an old 14,400 modem it would only
> take 10 seconds to download. So, what's the beef with 15 measily K?
Best solution all round (speaking as someone who doesn't use a modem) would
be to stick it on a web site and just post the URL here.
And now for our glorious national anthem...
--
Scott - "If I knew what year it was, I wouldn't be asking."
Seagoon
that have been on this list.
Ron.
In article <sip9ad...@corp.supernews.com>,
is
> pulling your leg. Your Floorboards script weighs in at just over
15,000
> characters, which even on Steve Dix's old 110 baud teletype machine
would
> only take 25 minutes to download. Using an old 14,400 modem it would
only
> take 10 seconds to download. So, what's the beef with 15 measily K?
>
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.
Kurtluchs
Kurt Luchs
kurt...@aol.com
Fat Controller
The former is worth a king's ransom, you see. The latter is worth a
plumber's bill.
Steve Dale transcribed "Under Two Floorboards", part of a gift set
bequeathed me by my dear departed gran.
--
Rob "Fat Controller" Cruickshank
Combined Avatars of Brian the Octopus and Crazy Max the Turtle,
Disciples of the Great White Guppy, Founder of the Church Of The Sacred
Exploding Fish, Last Seen Sliding Down the Gullet of J. R. "Bob" Dobbs
as the Eponymous Component of a Goldfish Layback some Years Previously
Certain Things are at http://come.to/cruickro/
Quake Map Shed: http://www.planetquake.com/fatty/
Real email is crescendo&at;xtra.co.nz - you should be able to work it
out.
Paul Winalski
>
> It was the Blue Shah, not the Blue Shower.
>
> The former is worth a king's ransom, you see. The latter is worth a
> plumber's bill.
Sorry, but you're wrong. From the _Radio Times_ plot synopsis
for "Under Two Floorboards":
'Beau' recently down from Cambridge with his fellow
undergraduates Moriarty and Grytpype-Thynne, attends
a ball at Oxley Towers where Lady Seagoon's famous
'Blue Shower' diamond, worth a king's ransom, is stolen.
And, as Wallace Greenslade was so fond of pointing out,
the _Radio Times_ is NEVER wrong.
Seriously, though--the characters distinctly say "shower"
in this programme.
--PSW
Anon.
>
> Seriously, though--the characters distinctly say "shower"
> in this programme.
>
Ah yes, but do they say 'blue' before it?
Bob
ggarside
Or, as Terry-Thomas used to: "absolute"!
Then there's the Richmal Crompton "William" book (can't remember which),
in which it's noted that in his letter home, William spelled it "shars",
thus proving to the satisfaction of all us northeners that he was of the
southern persuasion.
Ee, by goom, you'd never 'ave a mistake like that oop North!
Aside: You must watch these little points.....
Geoff.
Steve Dale
Bluebottle: (suggestively) THOSE little points!
(loaded pause)
Eccles: OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
--
Steve (Chipper) Dale.
roger stevenson
> > On Mon, 22 May 2000 23:07:49 +1200, "Steve Dale" <chi...@ihug.co.nz>
> > wrote:
> > >Ned: Shut up! It was the year 1908. We had just come down from
Balyol
> >
> > Balyol?! BALYOL!?! Balliol!! Write the whole script out 100 times
> > and see me after school! PS. It helps to break up long posts into
> > several chunks, old chap.
> >
> >
> > Steve Dix ==================================================
>
>
> Steve Dale: (looks very contrite, and stands with hands together, head
bowed
> and one
> foot on top of the other...) Sorry, but I'm from New Zealand, and we
don't
> have
> Thingummy-type schools over here. I only writted what I heard. That's
> what I
> THOUGHT it spelled like! Please accept my humbliest apologies, and
> herewith the script writted out 100 times...)
> *****************
> THE GOON SHOW
>
> Wal: This is the BBC.....
>
> -- (one thousand, nine hundred and forty-two pages of close-type
> snipped...)--
>
> Wal: ....Produced by Pat Dixon.
> ORCHESTRA UP AND PLAYOUT.
> ----------------------
>
> bandages and hurting like mad, eyes are hanging out of head, and back has
> seized up.
> Monitor screen is burned through, hard drive gave up the ghost
thirty-seven
> shows
> ago, mouse pad is worn through to the table underneath. Mouse squeaks.
> Gasps and groans fill the air.)
>
> Ned: And so perish all enemies of the King!!!
>
> Orchestra of Military Bugle, Civilian drum and Piano played by pianist
with
> arm out to show that he is turning right: TA-RAA CHORD!
>
> Ref your postscript, I'll break the next lot up into manageable chunks for
> you,
> though you are the first complaint I have had!
> In seriousness, request comments from others?
>
>
> 'It's the same the 'ole world over
> it's the poor wot gets the blame
> and the rich wot gets the pleasure
> ain't it all a bleedin' shame!'
>
>
Balliols.
Although it does make them Magdalene.
(An explanation of that joke will be published in the Radio Times next week)
Roger the Saurus
Paul Martin
roger stevenson wrote:
>> > >Ned: Shut up! It was the year 1908. We had just come down from
>Balyol
>> > >School Cambridge....
>> I thought you must be a colonial. You can always catch them by the
>Balliols.
>Although it does make them Magdalene.
>(An explanation of that joke will be published in the Radio Times next week)
Balliol is Oxford. Magdalene is Cambridge; Magdalen is Oxford.
Cue Clive James explaining "Up" and "Down" in "Falling towards
England".
--
Paul Martin <p...@zetnet.net>
at home, swap dash to dot to email.
Anon.
Paul Martin wrote:
>
> In article <8gr4mq$qk7$1...@newsg3.svr.pol.co.uk>,
> roger stevenson wrote:
>
> >> > >Ned: Shut up! It was the year 1908. We had just come down from
> >Balyol
> >> > >School Cambridge....
>
> >> I thought you must be a colonial. You can always catch them by the
> >Balliols.
> >Although it does make them Magdalene.
> >(An explanation of that joke will be published in the Radio Times next week)
>
> Balliol is Oxford. Magdalene is Cambridge; Magdalen is Oxford.
>
But who is Eccles?
Bob
Tendencies Whitmore
>>
>> >> > >Ned: Shut up! It was the year 1908. We had just come down from
>> >Balyol
>> >> > >School Cambridge....
>>
>> >> I thought you must be a colonial. You can always catch them by the
>> >Balliols.
>> >Although it does make them Magdalene.
>> >(An explanation of that joke will be published in the Radio Times next
>week)
>>
>> Balliol is Oxford. Magdalene is Cambridge; Magdalen is Oxford.
>>
>But who is Eccles?
It's, er, me, my good man.
-- "Tendencies" Whitmore --
http://www.geocities.com/headricknet
John Warden
Anon. wrote in message <3937BA39...@helsinki.fi>...
>
>
>Paul Martin wrote:
>>
>> In article <8gr4mq$qk7$1...@newsg3.svr.pol.co.uk>,
>> roger stevenson wrote:
>>
>> >Balyol
>>
>> >> I thought you must be a colonial. You can always catch them by the
>> >Balliols.
>> >Although it does make them Magdalene.
>> >(An explanation of that joke will be published in the Radio Times next
week)
>>
>> Balliol is Oxford. Magdalene is Cambridge; Magdalen is Oxford.
>>
>But who is Eccles?
>
John
Anon.
Cambridge tie)
Eccles College, Cambridge. I like it!
Bob
ma...@mimosa.csv.warwick.ac.uk
"John Warden" <John....@btinternet.com> writes:
>
>Anon. wrote in message <3937BA39...@helsinki.fi>...
>>
>>
>More to the point, WHAT is Eccles ??
More grammatically, what ARE Eccles?
Martin
'Ten miles he swam. The last three were agony.'
'They were over land.'
Tendencies Whitmore
>
I don't.
And more to the point, what about the drains in Hackney?
Richard Webber
<ma...@mimosa.csv.warwick.ac.uk> wrote in message
news:8hb4e5$iss$1...@wisteria.csv.warwick.ac.uk...
> In article <8h9fbo$n1o$1...@uranium.btinternet.com>,
> "John Warden" <John....@btinternet.com> writes:
> >
> >Anon. wrote in message <3937BA39...@helsinki.fi>...
> >>
> >>But who is Eccles?
> >>
> >More to the point, WHAT is Eccles ??
>
> More grammatically, what ARE Eccles?
Eccles are: fine, fine, fine.
Torak
one? Please? [Sits back and waits for the GOOD things in life.]
Richard Webber <rjwe...@dingoblue.net.au> wrote in message
news:3945a43f$0$523$7f31...@news01.syd.optusnet.com.au...
Niall O'Keeffe
wrote:
>Script? Under Two Floorboards? My favourite episode! Can anyone repost this
>one? Please? [Sits back and waits for the GOOD things in life.]
>
THE GOON SHOW
Under Two Floorboards; a story of the Legion.
(Show 6, Series 6)
Bill: This is the BBC
Peter: Is there no relief?
Harry: Ladies and Gentlemen; the highly esteemed, Goon Show!
ORCH: ELIZABETHAN TUNE, FLUTE AND HARP.
Bill: High Towers, with its great ivy-covered windows, relieved by
mullioned
walls.
This was the ancestral home of Lady Seagoon; One butler, two cooks,
three
maids,
six gardeners, eight horses, fourteen cows, seven pigs, and....Ned
Seagoon.
Ned: Yes, I am the Honourable Neddie Seagoon, eldest Son. We had all
been
to the
University, I took law, while my brothers took medicine.
Eccles: We were ill! (guffaw) (sings) I'm only a strolling
vagabond...
Ned: Shut up! It was the year 1908. We had just come down from
Balyol
School
Cambridge. Ah, it was pleasant to be home, and I walked around the
even
lawn,
pausing only to smooth down the places where my brother had buried a
bone.
Then I noticed my uncle, Grytpype Thynn. He was idly climbing out of
a
hammock which hung easily between my two brothers.
Grytpype:
Ah, nephew Neddie! Looking forward to the ball tonight?
Neddie: Oh Yes sir. My mother will be wearing the Blue Shower
necklace,
worth a king's
ransom! Been in the family three hundred years!
Grytpype: She's kept remarkably well!
Neddie: No, no, no, the Blue Shower!
Grytpype: ...Yes. Neddie, I've got a little present for you!
Neddie: Oh Thank you uncle, you're always giving me presents! First
a
christening mug
and now this!
Grytpype: It's a book.
Neddie: A book? Oh yes...I've seen one of these before!
Grytpype: (aside) I wonder if it would be wiser to draw pictures for
him?
(aloud) It's called
Beau Geste, Neddie.
Neddie: Lovely. I'll read it tomorrow.
Grytpype: No, you must read it all before the ball tonight. Oh, and
here's
a bookmark.
Neddie: I say that's rather novel. It's a single ticket to
Marselles!
Grytpype: Well done! I say, you are quite sure that your mother is
wearing
the Blue Shower
tonight?
Neddie: Yes!
Grytpype: Read!
Neddie: Beau Geste; what a wonderful book! During the next five
minutes I
read it again
and again. On the last page was a note from uncle. It read, "Pass
it on
to your
brothers, I've given them both bookmarks" What a kind man uncle was!
I
passed
it on.
Eccles: Ohh; look! Look what Neddie's given us!
Bluebottle: Eeehee! Let's put some wheels on it then we can pull it
around! So enters
Honourable Bluebottle, the third son. I like this rich game!
Thinks:
I'm a
happy-go-lucky lad! Signals butler to wipe my nose.
Neddie: Dear brothers, that thing there is a book!
Bluebottle: Yes, go on, read it to little Bluebottle, Eccles, I like
it when
you read to me, you
know that! Sits in listening pose so as not to miss dinner gong.
Eccles: Yeah, well, let me see, it's called, er...Boo....
Booo...Gost...no,
...booo....gest-e...
Shall I draw a pussycat?
Bluebottle: No, go on read it Eccles, it was just getting interesting!
Eccles: Yeah well, unm, it starts off,....on..ce yaupooon...
...ah....tooii...toi...
Bluebottle: Time!
Eccles: Time! That's it! I knew it was a 'W'.
Neddie: Enjoying it?
Eccles: Yeah; it's a funny book! (Eccles and Bluebottle have a good
laugh)
(pause)
Neddie: Perhaps I read it wrongly! After all, both my brothers held
university degrees!
<Ahem> Do you mind If I listen while you read?
Eccles: Yeah. OK, yeah. Let's see now. 'Then the big giant walked
over
the hill with a
big club in his hand!'
Neddie: Where's that?
Eccles: Dere!
Neddie: There? It says, 'the garden was bathed in the cold light of
an
august moon.'
(pause)
Eccles: Shall I draw a pussycat?
Neddie: Look, I'll read it for you. (fast) 'Once upon a time there
were
three brothers...
(speeds up and fades out)
ORCHESTRA: HARP LINK
FX: STATELY BACKGROUND MUSIC, SMALL CROWD
Grytpype: Ah; nephew Neddie. Enjoying the ball?
Neddie: Immensely, I've danced every dance!
Grytpype: Oh, who's the lucky girl?
Neddie: Oh I don't bother with them, I'm much better on my own!
Grytpype: Charming. By the way, did you read Beau Geste?
Neddie: Oh yes, about the three brothers who, having come down from
Balyol
School,
attended a ball where their mother's diamond was stolen, and rather
than
sneak on
each other, joined the Foreign Legion!
Grytpype: Right lot of charlies weren't they..er...I mean Noble lads!
Neddie: (noble) You know uncle, that's the sort of thing I'd do.
Honori
Tempis
et Gratis; Up the school; Last man in and ten runs to get; (sings)
Boots,
boots,
boots, boots, tramping over Africa; there's no discharge in the
Waaaaarr!!
Grytpype: You silly twisted boy you! By the way, have you still got
the
ticket to Marselles...I mean the bookmark?
Neddie: Yes.
Ray Ellington: Neddie!!!
Neddie: Yes mother?
Ray: Come into my room!
FX: DOOR CLOSING
Ray: OK, now which of you three layabouts has it?
Spike: (apologetically) He was all right at the audition!
Ray: The Blue Shower necklace has been pinched!
Neddie: Just like the book!
Eccles: Ooh. has that been pinched too?
Ray: If that necklace isn't back by tomorrow, I'll send for the
police!
Come on, off you
go to your rooms, you've got until tomorrow!
FX: THREE WHOOSHES, THREE DOORS SLAM.
Grytpype: To think that the Blue Shower cost me only three and six
nett...oh
yes, and three
novel bookmarks! So far so good! (sings) I'm only a strolling
vagabond...Ah,
here we are, little Neddie's room (knocks) Neddie? Oh Neddie, it's
your
rich
uncle. (opens door) Ned...Oh splendid lad, he's gone! And a farewell
note
to his
mother, how charming!
Spike: The devilish cunning of it all!
Grytpype: And that isn't all! Gelgray? Play Neddie's journey to
Marselles!
Max Gelgray & Orchestra: music
(applause)
FX: CORNY BAND PLAYING 'THE BLACK BEAR' AND ARMY MARCHING
AT TRIPLE SPEED, MIX IN BATTLE.
Neddie: STOOOOOOOPPPPP!! (FX OUT) I haven't joined yet! It had been
a
pleasant
trip in a railway coach marked, "H. Burkes, 14 Arms" and "M. Charlie"!
And
now here I was in the Legion Recruiting Center at Marselles. I was
just
reading
the second wall, when the door opened.
FX; DOOR OPENS
Bloodnok: Ooohhhh; Moulon Rouge, Follies Begere, and other naughty
French
words! So, you want to join the Legion, eh?
Neddie: I gazed at the Legion Officer. His skin was burned fiery red
by
the hot Algerian
brandy. On his chest was a coloured ribbon from which dangled....a
penny!
Bloodnok: We can't all have medals you know! Now lad, first a few
questions. Name?
Neddie: Ned Seagoon!
Bloodnok: (writing) N..ed,S,E,A,G,O,O,O,double-O,N.
Neddie: Oui, mon Capitane!
Bloodnok: Oh, you're German!
Neddie: No, I'm a true Britisher!
Bloodnok: Well, there's a novelty! You speak French?
Neddie: (fast) Oui mon Capitaine, Je parle francaise comme de'juienne!
Bloodnok: Well you'll just have to learn it the same as I did. Now
for the
jackpot question.
Have you any money or valuables on you?
Neddie: About five pounds
Bloodnok: Oooh, there'll be joybells in the NAAFI tonight! Hand it
over!
Neddie: Well...er....
Bloodnok: It'll be returned to you on your de-mob! Off you go, first
door
on your left.
Neddie: This door?
Bloodnok: That's the one!
Neddie: Thank you!
FX DOOR OPENING. SUDDEN HUGE BATTLE, SHOUTS, YELLS, BUGLE
CALLS, MUSKETS, CANNON, THUNDER OF CAVALRY HOOVES, ETC.
DOWN UNDER:
Bill: Listeners may well like to know how a man can walk through a
door in
Marselles
and appear in the thick of a battle in Africa! We're not giving all
our
secrets away,
by Jove we're not!
FX: UP, CONTINUES FOR A FEW SECONDS.
Moriarty: Siloncee! (sic) (FX OUT) Legion! Fall in!
FX: ARMY FALLS IN.
Moriarty: Silonce! Sacre Bleu, Sapristi Nockos! You there! You
with
the size 53 nut!
Slooope...Umbrella!
FX: PLATOON SLOPES ARMS
Neddie: So this was the famous Legion. I drew myself to my full
height and
stared dead
ahead at his belt!
Moriarty: Tell mon petite France; can you march?
Neddie: Only with my feet!
Moriarty: Good! It's only 20 miles back to the fort! I hope for
your
sake, you will be able
to keep up with us!
Neddie: Oui mon Capitane! (aside) Keep up with them indeed! Did you
not
know that I
was a Britisher?!
Moriarty: Legion! By the left! Double march!
FX: 'BLACK BEAR' TRIPLE MARCH BEHIND FAST MARCHING AS BEFORE.
FADES.
ORCHESTRA: 'ENGLISHMAN LOST IN DESERT THEME'
Neddie: Alone in the African desert; without a compass or a guide!
However, by carefully
noting the position of the sun, I could tell it was still daytime!
But
this heat was
hot! (gasps) I unbuttoned my overcoat! Then, just as I was about
to cry,
'water!'
I saw two people approaching....
(MIN AND HENRY APPROACHING.)
Minnie: ...I told you the tide was out Henry,
Henry: ...Not going home without having a paddle!
Minnie: Listen Henry, the man will want another threepence for this
deck
chair, buddy.
Neddie: Excuse me.
Minnie: I don't want a donkey ride!
Neddie: I don't intend to give you one!
Henry: Young man, can you tell us where the sea is?
Neddie: I'm afraid not.
Henry: And you call yourself a lifeguard?
Neddie: I'm not a lifeguard, I'm a legionnaire, and I've lost the
fort!
Henry: Where did you have it last?
Neddie: I'm a legionnaire you know! A crack fighting force! Il ne
patre
pas! Marchent!
(sings) Allons enfants de la Patria, (fades) la jour de glorie est
arrive...
Minnie: I wonder if that young man could help us.
Henry: How Min?
Minnie: To find Ned Seagoon!
Henry: We don't need to ask anybody Min, we've got his description,
its only
a matter of
keeping our eyes open!
Minnie: Yes, we've just got to find a soldier wearing the Blue Shower
necklace!
Henry: Oh, I never thought of that!
Minnie: And you call yourself a detective?!
Henry: Minnie, keep quiet dear, or you'll break out in another rash!
(Min and Henry fade out)
ORCHESTRA: SAME 'LOST IN DESERT' THEME AGAIN
Bill: Ten days later, the weary figure of Ned Seagoon approached the
fort.
Neddie: It wasn't ten days, it was three and a half weeks!
Bill: At the risk of being volatile, I would like to inform the
listeners
that according to
the Radio Times it was ten days! However, after Ned Seagoon's ordeal
in the
desert we can forgive his inaccuracy.
Neddie: I should know, shouldn't I, I was there, wasn't I? It was
three and
a half weeks!
Moriarty: Ahhhh! A new recruit! Where have you been for the last
ten
days?
Bill: ...And the Radio Times only costs threepence!
Moriarty: Thank you! Tell me now, legionnaire, look at the state
you're
in! Covered in
sand! Wherrrrrre have you been?
Neddie: Iiiiiiin the desert!
Moriarty: Aaaaa likely story!
BUGLE: SOUNDS 'ALERT'
Moriarty: Sacre Fred!! We're being attacked! Up on the walls men!
If
you want me, I'll
be under my bed!
Neddie: STOP!! Sir; there's only one of them!
Moriarty: (off) Is he unarmed?
Neddie: Yes!
Moriarty: (on) Right men; FIRE!
FX: FURIOUS RIFLE FIRE, LASTS THREE SECONDS, ENDS SUDDENLY
Moriarty: Missed! I say, keep still out there! These bullets cost
money!
Neddie: Perhaps he has a message for us! (calls) Avez vous un
meshoise for
us?!
Eccles: Oui! (sings) I'm only a strolling vagabond!...
Neddie: Sir, sir, this idiot is my brother! Eccles! What are you
doing
dressed like an
arab?
Eccles: It's my Foreign Legion uniform!
Neddie: It's not; it's the uniform of the Arabs!
Eccles: Well, when I joined the Foreign Legion, they gave me this,
closed
the gates and
said, 'good luck!'
Neddie: I ran to let my brother in. It was good to see him again!
Eccles, you've got tall!
Eccles: Oooh, this isn't all me!
Neddie: Isn't it?
Eccles: Nope, I'm sitting on mudder's shoulders!
Neddie: Mother's shoulders?
Eccles: I couldn't get a camel!
Ray: Neddie! My eldest boy!
Neddie: Mother!
Moriarty: May I 'ave ze honour of 'earing you play ze music?
Ray: But, wiz pleasure!
Ray Ellington Quartet; Naughty Lady of Shady Lane.
(applause)
FX: BLACK BEAR TRIPLE MARCH AS BEFORE. DOWN UNDER
Neddie: In the next few weeks we must have marched hundreds of miles a
day.
During
these marches not a word of complaint passed my lips as I sat huddled
in
Eccles' pack!
Eccles: Oooh, you bin ridin' round in my pack?
Neddie: You don't mind do you?
Eccles: You'd better not let mudder know!
Neddie: Why?
Eccles: I bin ridin around in hers! (laughs)
Neddie: Good old mater!
Eccles: Yeah, Ooh, by the way Neddie, I saw the Captain last week, and
he
told me to tell
you he wants you to see him in his office right away!
Neddie: What? Why didn't you tell me last week?
Eccles: Well, if I told you last week, you've forgotten by now!
Neddie: Thank you Eccles! I am only a week late! A Week!
FX: WHOOSH, SWIFT KNOCK
Moriarty: Come in!
Neddie: I'm terribly sorry sir, really I am, but I know I'm late but
it's my
own fault. My
brother told me last week and I forgot. I am completely to blame. I
should
have
reported to you last week when my brother informed me, but it slipped
my
memory, and the blame is entirely mine.
Moriarty: Come in!
FX; DOOR OPENING
Neddie: It's all Eccles's fault sir!
Moriarty: Never mind that now. I have a visitor to see you.
Neddie: Visitor?
Moriarty: First of all; how much is the Blue Shower necklace worth?
Neddie: About er....a kings ransom! All depends on who the king is!
(wild
laugh)...ahem.
Moriarty: So, you ARE Neddie Seagoon! I have a visitor for you.
Entrez!
FX: DOOR OPENS
Grytpype: Ahh, Nephew Neddie!
Neddie: Uncle Grytpype!
Moriarty: Sacre Nom du Bleu, Sapristi Yakabakakas! Then it IS true!
You
ARE this
charlie's uncle!
Grytpype: I'm afraid so. Now Neddie; the necklace!
Neddie: I haven't got it uncle!
Grytpype: Search his neck!
FX: NEDDIE'S NECK BEING SEARCHED,VARIOUS GRUNTS, GROANS,
NEDDIE GURGLING, ETC.
Moriarty: Curse! Nothing except this string of glass beads and a
full-length portrait of his
mother!
Grytpype: Listen Neddie; I took the Blue Shower necklace; at the ball
I hung
up my jacket to
do the Mambo, and when I returned, the pocket containing the necklace
was
gone!
Neddie: What a dastardly trick! Who would want to rob you? Sir I
didn't
take it;
honestly I didn't!
ORCHESTRA: BUGLE CALL
Moriarty: Sapristi Knockos! Man the walls! The Arabs are
attacking!
FX: ARABS ATTACKING; FULL BATTLE
Neddie: It was a terrible battle! The enemy hurled themselves upon
us with
swords, rifles,
machine guns, and worst of all, seven hundred rock-cakes!
ORCHESTRA: BUGLE, RETREAT
Neddie: Then it came! The order to retreat! We didn't know it at
the
time, but this was
one of the greatest retreats in the history of war! Back we went as
far as
Morocco!
FX: BATTLE UP, THEN DOWN...
Neddie: To the African coast, still fighting! The Mediterranean was
littered with Dow's and
dead tampans as we gamely retreated! Twice we had to buy ammunition
from
the
Arabs! Days turned into weeks!
FX: BATTLE UP, THEN REFEREE'S WHISTLE. BATTLE STOPS. SOUNDS OF BIG
CROWD...
Custom Official: (Peter, bored) Next please. Anything to declare,
watches,
clocks, finery?
Neddie: Nothing.
Ray: Nothing.
Eccles: Er...
Custom Official: Well, anything to declare?
Eccles: Um...oh...it's good to be alive!
Custom Official: Yes. Pass along please. Next?
Arab 1 (Harry): (furious Arabic)
Custom Official: Thank you! Next?
Arab 2 (Bill): (furious Arabic)
Custom Official: Cor, there's thousands of them! All right, go
straight
through...
FX: WHISTLE. BATTLE UP AGAIN.
Neddie: And still the battle raged! Down the Southend Road, and up
the
Guildford
Bypass!
ORCHESTRA: HARP LINK
Bill: Meantime, in the ancestral home of Lady Seagoon, a lone figure
lay in
bed, idly
dangling the Blue Shower.
Bluebottle: E-hee! I'm a happy-go-lucky rich boy! Thinks; now that
everybody is in the
Foreign Legion, I'm next in line for the title! E-heee! Stares at
pimply
reflection in
the Blue Shower, and at the same time, also thinks, Here in the
countryside
I'm
safe! It's the others who'll get the dreaded deading!
FX: BATTLE DRAWING NEARER.
Bluebottle: What is that noise that tickles little Bluebottle's
earholes?
FX: DOOR OPENS
Butler: Sir, it appears that your brothers have returned home, and
furthermore....
Neddie: (entering) Hello Bluebottle, I'm glad to see...wait...YOU'VE
got
the Blue Shower!
STOOOOOOOOP!!! (FX OUT) Gentlemen; I'm sorry, but you'll have to
cease
the battle now!
OMNES: DISAPPOINTED CROWD MOANING
Neddie: I'm sorry, but this is our home you know! And what's more,
WE'VE
FOUND
THE NECKLACE!!!
OMNES: CHEER!
Bluebottle: But the necklace is mine! Nyya!
Eccles: Hey, here you are Bluebottle, in return here's a rockcake!
Bluebottle: Oooh, thank you Eccles! I like rockcakes I do, I like
them,
yes! Thinks, I've
never seen a rockcake with a pin in it before! Ah well, I've had a
good
long run
this week. Stands to one side and pulls pin out.
FX: EXPLOSION.
ORCHESTRA: SAME PRETTY LITTLE ELIZABETHAN FLUTE AND HARP TUNE.
Bill: High towers, the home of Lady Seagoon,..
FX: FALLING WHISTLE
Bill: ...one butler, two cooks, four maids,
eight-hundred-and-forty-two Arab
gardeners, six horses, and...
FX: THUMP!
Bill: Ooooh!
Bluebottle: Oh I'm sorry, did I fall on you?
Bill: YES, you little knobbly ham!
Bluebottle: Oh, you're smiling Wallace Greenslade, arn't you?
Bill: That's right!
Bluebottle: Well could I have a signed photograph of you? Cause I
like you
on the wireless!
Bill: So do I! Have a toffee!
Bluebottle: Thank you! Fancy you; oh you're bigger than I thought
you
was!...
(Bill and Bluebottle wander off into the distance still talking...)
ORCHESTRA: THEME UP, THEN DOWN UNDER...
Bill: That was the Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter
Sellars,
Harry
Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max
Gelgray.
The Orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Eric Sykes and
Spike
Milligan, Announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by
Peter
Eton.
ORCHESTRA UP AND PLAY TO END.
PLAYOUT: CRAZY RHYTHM; Max and Orchestra.
-----------------------------------------------
Dramatis Personae:
Peter Sellars:
Bluebottle, Major Bloodnok, Grytpype Thynn, Henry Crun, Various Arabs,
Custom Official.
Spike Milligan:
Eccles, Captain Moriarty, Minnie Bannister, Various other Arabs,
Butler.
Harry Secombe:
Neddie Seagoon
Ray Ellington:
Lady Seagoon, and the bongos (also sings rather well!)
Max Gelgray:
The Harmonica
Wallace Greenslade ('Bill'):
Announcer, and various other Arabs.
-
transcribed from the original BBC broadcast by Steve (Chipper) Dale.
Slán,
Niall O'Keeffe.
____________________
Alastair Roxburgh
broadcast and Ted's restored version on CD:
http://www.kdsi.net/~captoz/Under_two_floorboards.doc
Also in plain ASCII text:
http://www.kdsi.net/~captoz/Under_two_floorboards2.txt
Cheers,
Al of the keyboard
Torak
me, say by email? to...@Andrew-Perry.com
Torak <to...@andrew-perry.com> wrote in message
news:qhc35.7609$iW.1...@news.chello.be...
> Script? Under Two Floorboards? My favourite episode! Can anyone repost
this
> one? Please? [Sits back and waits for the GOOD things in life.]
>
Niall O'Keeffe
Jampton) wrote:
>On Mon, 19 Jun 2000 15:51:32 GMT, "Torak" <to...@andrew-perry.com>
>borrowed <8kr35.7746$iW.1...@news.chello.be> to say...
>
>>Niall and Alastair, thanks both of you. Got any other scripts you could send
>>me, say by email? to...@Andrew-Perry.com
>
>
>There are 18 (with more on the way) at www.goons.cx
Yeah, - go for the site... average postings of full scripts would run
to anything up to 1,000 lines, which will annoy some people.
Slán,
Niall O'Keeffe.
____________________
Torak
Tendencies Whitmore
>send
>>>me, say by email? to...@Andrew-Perry.com
>>
>>
>>There are 18 (with more on the way) at www.goons.cx
>
>Yeah, - go for the site... average postings of full scripts would run
>to anything up to 1,000 lines, which will annoy some people.
How dare you imply that there are people on this newsgroup?
-- Luke "Tendencies" Whitmore --
"I'm not drunk, I'm alcoholically enlightened."
http://www.geocities.com/headricknet
Remove SOCKS to reply.
Paul Winalski
>
> Yeah, - go for the site... average postings of full scripts would run
> to anything up to 1,000 lines, which will annoy some people.
Complete transcripts for all Goon Shows for which recordings
exist run to about 1800 printed pages and fill four three-
ring binders.
--PSW
Dave Jerome
> I don't mind large files - got a cable modem. Thanks again.
I've got a string sword and piles! Let's trade!
(Exits left. Falls over.)
Curse these plasticine knees!
Steve Dale
news:96153363...@brs.ihug.com.au...
I've got a piece of string, 11d in notes, a Mickey Mouse watch, and a small
piece of boiled chicken!
--
Scott Morris
> > > I don't mind large files - got a cable modem. Thanks again.
> >
> > I've got a string sword and piles! Let's trade!
> > (Exits left. Falls over.)
> > Curse these plasticine knees!
>
> I've got a piece of string, 11d in notes, a Mickey Mouse watch, and a small
> piece of boiled chicken!
I've got a long bent thing with a sort of lump on the end.
--
Scott - "I've made room for the cheese."
Sînatra
S.
Paul Winalski <wina...@LSPACE.zko.dec.com> wrote in message
news:394FA73A...@LSPACE.zko.dec.com...
Niall O'Keeffe
<smorr...@DELETE.THIS.yahoo.com> wrote:
>Steve Dale wrote:
>
>> > > I don't mind large files - got a cable modem. Thanks again.
>> >
>> > I've got a string sword and piles! Let's trade!
>> > (Exits left. Falls over.)
>> > Curse these plasticine knees!
>>
>> I've got a piece of string, 11d in notes, a Mickey Mouse watch, and a small
>> piece of boiled chicken!
>
>I've got a long bent thing with a sort of lump on the end.
Eccles: Put me DOWN!!!!
Paul Winalski
>
> ..and HOW MANY 2 ring binders ?
2-ring binders don't work. You have to ring 3 times
or Min won't answer the covers.
--PSW
Chris Dennis
> Steve Dale wrote:
>
> > > > I don't mind large files - got a cable modem. Thanks again.
> > >
> > > I've got a string sword and piles! Let's trade!
> > > (Exits left. Falls over.)
> > > Curse these plasticine knees!
> >
> > I've got a piece of string, 11d in notes, a Mickey Mouse watch, and a small
> > piece of boiled chicken!
>
> I've got a long bent thing with a sort of lump on the end.
I've got a long felt want, but we all have our little foibles.
--
Chris Dennis chris....@ndirect.co.uk
Bristol, England phone: +44 117 924 7660
Niall O'Keeffe
Dennis) wrote:
>Scott Morris <smorr...@DELETE.THIS.yahoo.com> wrote:
>
>> Steve Dale wrote:
>>
>> > > > I don't mind large files - got a cable modem. Thanks again.
>> > >
>> > > I've got a string sword and piles! Let's trade!
>> > > (Exits left. Falls over.)
>> > > Curse these plasticine knees!
>> >
>> > I've got a piece of string, 11d in notes, a Mickey Mouse watch, and a small
>> > piece of boiled chicken!
>>
>> I've got a long bent thing with a sort of lump on the end.
>
>I've got a long felt want, but we all have our little foibles.
Not me, - I left my foible on a park bench in East Finchley.
Anon.
Bob
Sînatra
S.
Niall O'Keeffe <us...@127.0.0.1> wrote in message
news:3951ccf0....@news.esat.net...
Niall O'Keeffe
<adve...@libertysurf.fr> wrote:
>TOO LATE ! ..the pigeons have been at it ... !
>S.
>
<snip>
>>
>> Not me, - I left my foible on a park bench in East Finchley.
>>
Foibles aren't good for pidgeons, - it'll give them the nadges, you
know...
Luke Whitmore
>
>I've got a long felt want, but we all have our little foibles.
>
You all have little foibles? I didn't get any.
-- Luke "Tendencies" Whitmore --
http://www.geocities.com/headricknet
ggarside
>
> >> I've got a long bent thing with a sort of lump on the end.
> >
> >I've got a long felt want, but we all have our little foibles.
> >
>
> You all have little foibles? I didn't get any.
>
Foibles? Valuable foibles?
Are they long felt foibles? Bent, with a lump on the end?
They're mine, I tell you! I lost them while I was practicing discretion
when those two policemen came along.
Send them to me at once!
D. Bloodnock, Maj. (cashiered)
(Officers and) Gentlemen,
Waterloo Station, (please hold for collection)
London.
Geoff.
roger stevenson
> On Thu, 22 Jun 2000 11:27:35 +0200, "Sînatra"
> <adve...@libertysurf.fr> wrote:
>
> >TOO LATE ! ..the pigeons have been at it ... !
> >S.
> >
> <snip>
> >>
> >> Not me, - I left my foible on a park bench in East Finchley.
> >>
>
>
>
> Foibles aren't good for pidgeons, - it'll give them the nadges, you
> know...
> Slán,
>
> Niall O'Keeffe.
To make them safe for pigeons, soak them in hissop.
What, you've never heard of hissop's foibles?
Weren't you read them at your mother's knee, foot and clutched elbow?
Roger the Saurus
Andrew Bell
wrote:
>Not me, - I left my foible on a park bench in East Finchley.
Good lord, so *that's* what I sat on. It took me two hours to clean
it off...
Anon.
roger stevenson wrote:
>
> Niall O'Keeffe <us...@127.0.0.1> wrote in message
<hack>
> > Foibles aren't good for pidgeons, - it'll give them the nadges, you
> > know...
> > Slán,
> >
> > Niall O'Keeffe.
>
> To make them safe for pigeons, soak them in hissop.
> What, you've never heard of hissop's foibles?
> Weren't you read them at your mother's knee, foot and clutched elbow?
>
Swine!
> Roger the Saurus
And swine again!
For more on recreational activities with members of the genus Columba,
see:
http://www.cam.anglia.ac.uk/%7Esystimk/Humour/Lehrer/An-Evening.Html#Poisoning
You won't be disappointed.
Bob
Christopher Binny
Melville
Paul Winalski <wina...@LSPACE.zko.dec.com> wrote in message
news:3950ED4E...@LSPACE.zko.dec.com...