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Russell Street

Apr 27, 1994, 1:30:36 AM4/27/94
The alt.fan.goons YAQ file
By Russell Street (r.st...@auckland.ac.nz)

Version 0.1 --- 27th April 1994

This file was written and compiled by Russell Street, with the help of
many. Comments, critisims, additions, corrections and small unmarked
bills can be sent to me: r.st...@auckland.ac.nz (Russell Street).
However, I take no responsibility for the information here in: usual
disclaimers apply...

YOUR CONTRIBUTIONS (especially of the small umarked bills) ARE WELCOME.

I have been trying to write this on and off now for about 1 and half
years. When I got around to cleaning it up before posting it now, I
noticed I had written ``13th September 1993'' on it.

When this gets a little more fleshed out, it might even get cross
posted to alt.fan.goons and alt.answers (and a few other places, say
comp.compression) on an irregular basis.

As I sort through the saved postings, I could find other interesting

Appologies for the length of this (~2900 lines). If too inconvient, I
will split it up into pieces, or post it longways.

1. Introduction
2. The Shows themselves
3. The Characters
4. The Participants
4.1 Spike Milligan
4.2 Peter Sellers
4.3 Harry Secombe
4.4 Micheal Bentine
4.5 Wallace Greenslade
4.6 Max Geldgray
4.7 Ray Elliginton
4.8 Guests and others
5. Commercial Releases of the Goon Show and other stuff
6. Books
7. Catchphrases and sayings
8. The archive site
9. Goon Preservation Societies
10. Films
11. The Films of Peter Sellers
12. Lyrics
13. Program list
14. BBC Censorship --- The Green Book
15. Credits
16. Eternal Debate

1. Introduction

`The Goon Show' is/was a radio program that played on BBC radio from
November 1952 to January 1960. Mostly written by Spike Milligan, it was
mostly performed by him, with Peter Sellers and Harry Secombe.

The news group `alt.fan.goons' is a newsgroup devoted to the Goon Show.
The main purpose of the group seems to be slanging quotations from the
shows around. This is a great waste of precious bandwidth and is to be
encouraged at all costs! Last time I looked at the list of newsgroups by
volume, alt.fan.goons was about half way down it. I will try to get the
exact statistics next time they wizz past.

Ob quote:
Ned: Have you got the statistics?
Crun: Yes --- very badly.

Many sites may also have the newsgroup `alt.fan.wal-greenslade'. This
group appeared shortly before `alt.fan.goons' to ``announce'' the start
of the Goon Show group.

This file is designed to be a collection of the net's wisdom of things
Goonographic -- a term coined by me to describe things to do with the Goon

It is called a `YAQ' file after one of the shows catchphrases -- this is
a ``Ying Tong Yiddle I Po Asked Question'' file. [The term was invented by
Bill Taylor (w...@math.canterbury.ac.nz).]

Contributions are welcome: especially to fill the gaps. [Gaps available,
post free from any post-free post office.]

A small archive site for the group has been set up.

Remember: It's all in the mind, you know --- it says here in small print

2. The Shows

There were about 250 Goon Shows created in all -- of which 150 odd still
exist. A complete list of the shows appears near the end of this post
because of its size. It was taken from the definitive book on the Goons:
'The Goon Show Companion' by Roger Wilmut -- see ``Books'' below.

Quite a few shows have been released on commerical records, tapes and
CDs. These are also listed below. [Do you get the feeling this YAQ is
more like an iceburg, than a text file?]

3. The Characters

[I used to have some really great descriptions of the major characters,
written by Milligna himself. I will try to dig them up again .... why I
buried them in the back yard is completely beyond me -- perhaps I have
seen ``Pet Semetry'' once too many (and that was about 1/5 of it -- and
even that was too much).]

The list below comes from ``The Goon Show Companion''.

Neddie Seagoon Old Uncle Oscar
Fred Bogg (cockney idiot) Mr. Nugent Dirt
Big Chief Worri Guts

Mr. Henry Crun Cynthia/'Breathy Kensington Dear'
Hercules Grytpype-Thynne Hern (American Announcer)
Major Dennis Bloodnok Babu Banerjee
Bluebottle 'Dear Duchess'
Willium ('Mate') Hairy Scot
Lew/'Cash'/Judge Schnorrer 'Swede' (rustic voice)
Gravely Headstone 'Geraldo'
Flowerdew ('camp' voice) 'Cyril' ('I seen 'im')
Dr. Justin Eidelburger 'Dimbleby'
Reuben Croucher 'Churchill'
William J. MacGoonigal (sometimes) and the piano (very badly)

Eccles 'Wolfit' (tragic actor)
Miss Minnie Bannister Fred Fu-Manchu (and other Chinese
Count Jim Moriarty gentlemen)
Abdul/Singhiz Thingz Throat/Miss Throat
Mr. Lalkaka Yakamoto
Bowser (upper-class twit) Jim Spriggs Basil
Adolphus Spriggs (wandering singer) (upper-upper-class twit)
William J. MacGoonigal (other times) Little Jim

Big Chief Ellinga The Red Bladder

4. The Participants

[Here I am going to need some HELPPPPPPPPPPP!! esp on the biographical
details and other work. I do not need to pay Hercules Grytpype-Thynne
#xxx, because I was not using the word `help' to get out of danger.]

4.1 Spike Milligan:

Born Terence Alan Milligan on the 16th April 1918, in India.

He wrote most of the Goon Shows, with help from others like Larry Stevens
and Eric Skyes.

He has written several autobiographies based on his war experiences:
[alas I have misplaced the list -- must be buried somewhere ;)]

Plus one of his families' history, plus a hell of a lot of other
material, including ``The Bed Sitting Room'', which was turned into a
film, many children's books, ``Puccoon''.

His work after the Goons has included lots of children's stuff (like
``Bad Jelly the Witch''), several TV series in the late 60s (Q4, Q8 etc).

4.2 Peter Sellers

Born Richard Henry Sellers on 8th September 1925, he died on 24th July
1980, aged 54.

He must have had a biography -- what was it? them?

Starred in a *lot* of films -- ``The Pink Panther'' series, ``Doctor
Strangelove'' (where he played three parts), ``I'm all right, Jack'',
``Being There'' (my favourite of his).

He also did a lot of comedy records over the years -- a superb
complimation has been released by EMI -- see the section on Commercial

An attached list lists the films and records of Peter Sellers.

4.3 Harry Secombe

Even less biographical details here ;)

4.4 Micheal Bentine

Was a member of the Goon Show in the early days -- for the first two
seasons, then went his seperate ways. His material is not exactly
Goonish, but quite Goonlike.

4.5 Wallace Greenslade

BBC announcer and part time player -- getting odd lines and such like. He
once had an entire program devoted to him (``The Greenslade Story''), and
once got to be the villian in ``The Phantom Headshaver of Brighton''.

4.6 Max Gelgray

Harmonica player. Occasional player. A few, very badly spoken, lines.

4.7 Ray Elligton

Singer, and part time player. More part time than Max.

4.8 Guests and others

Most of the orchestral arrangements were done by Wally Scott -- now
Angela Morely. Wally (or Angela) also did the theme for ``Hancock's Half

The Goons had many guest stars over the years -- most notably John Snagge
and Valentine Dyall. An attached list lists the guests.

4.8.1 John Snagge

BBC announcer.

4.8.2 Valentine Dyall

Actor -- he played the Black Guardian in ``Doctor Who'', was the voice of
Deep Thought the Computer in the TV Series ``The Hitchickers Guide to the
Galaxy'', the voice of the Guardian of the Total Perspective Vortex in
the radio series of the same.

4.8.3 The Guest List

This is the (definitive) guest list and 'who does not appear in what list'.
Again, this is taken from ``The Goon Show Companion''.

Micheal Bentine
did not appear in 2/21
or any program in or after the 3rd series, except
The Giant Bombardon 4/13

Spike Milligan does not appear in
<untitled> 2/11
The Expedition for Toothpaste 3/5
The Archers 3/6
Robin Hoods 3/7
Where Does Santa Claus Go in the Summer 3/8
The Navy, Army, and Air Force 3/9
The British Way of Life 3/10
A Survey of Britain 3/11
Flint of the Flying Squad 3/12
Seaside Resorts in Winter 3/13
The Tragedy of Oxley Towers 3/14
The Story of Civilization 3/15

The MacReekie Rising of '74 7/4

Harry Secombe does not appear in
Spon 8/1
The 50 pound Cure 9/17

Peter Sellers did not appear in
Who Is Pink Oboe 9/11

Geldray does not appear in
Coronation edition 3/SP
The Missing Battleship 8/8

Ellington was pre-recorded in
The Invisible Acrobats
The Great Bank of England Robbery
The Siege of Fort Knight
The Plasticine Man 8/13
The Curse of Frankenstein 8/18

Spike Milligan did not author or co-author [7]
The Flying Saucer Mystery 4/10 [Larry Stephens]
The Missing Christmas Parcel -- Post Early for Christmas 6/SP [Eric Sykes]
The Stolen Postman 8/11 [Larry Stephens]
The Thing on the Mountain 8/15 [Larry Stephens and Maurice Wiltshire]
The Moriarty Murder Mystery 8/17 [Larry Stephens and Maurice Wiltshire]
The White Neddie Trade 8/19 [Larry Stephens and Maurice Wiltshire]
The Seagoon Memoirs 9/7 [Larry Stephens and Maurice Wiltshire]

Guests, in no particular order
[I have not counted the shows that no longer exist when totaling the number
of shows each guest has appeared in.]

Dick Emery [1]
Robin Hoods 3/7
The Navy, Army, and Air Force 3/9
A Survey of Britain 3/11
Seaside Resorts in Winter 3/13
The Story of Civilization 3/15
The Mystery of the Monkey's Paw 3/17

Spon 8/1

Carole Carr [1]
Robin Hoods 3/7
Ellis Powell [1]
Where Does Santa Claus Go in the Summer 3/8
Graham Stark [6]
The British Way of Life 3/10
Flint of the Flying Squad 3/12
The Tragedy of Oxley Towers 3/14
The Search for the Bearded Vulture 3/16
Coronation edition 3/SP
Who Is Pink Oboe 9/11
Valentine Dyall [8]
The Tragedy of Oxley Towers 3/14
The Canal 5/6
The House of Teeth 6/20
Drums Along the Mersey 7/2
The Spectre of Tintagel 7/5
The Giant Bombardon VG/4
Who Is Pink Oboe 9/11
The Silver Dubloons 10/5

Charlotte Mitchel [3]
Ye Bandit of Sherwood Forest 5/14
Tales of Montmartre 6/18
Robin Hood 7/SP

John Snagge [9]
Nineteen-Eighty-Five 5/20 (pre-recorded)
The Greenslade Story 6/14
The Great Tuscan Salami Scandal 6/23 (pre-recorded)
Scradje 6/26 (pre-recorded)
Tiddleywinks 8/24
Ned's Atomic Dustbin 9/10 (pre-recorded)
Who Is Pink Oboe 9/11 (pre-recorded)
The Chinese Legs 10/3
The Last Smoking Seagoon 10/6 (pre-recorded)
George Chisholm [6]
The MacReekie Rising of '74 7/4
Wings Over Dagenham 7/15
The String Robberies 8/16
The Curse of Frankenstein 8/18
The Spon Plaue 8/23
The Tay Bridge 9/15
Dennis Price [1]
Robin Hood 7/SP
Bernard Miles [1]
The Rent Collectors 7/16
Jack Train [2]
Shifting Sands 7/17
Who Is Pink Oboe 9/11
Cecile Chevreau [1]
African Incident 8/14
A. E. Matthews [1]
The Evils of Bushey Spon 8/25
Kenneth Connor [2]
Who Is Pink Oboe 9/11
The 50 pound Cure 9/17
Andrew Timothy [1]
The Scarlet Capsule 9/14

In order of number of appearances
John Snagge [9]
Valentine Dyall [8]
George Chisholm [6]
Charlotte Mitchel [3]
Kenneth Connor [2]
Jack Train [2]
Dick Emery [1 6 series 3]
Carole Carr [1]
Ellis Powell [1]
Graham Stark [1 6 series 3]
Dennis Price [1]
Bernard Miles [1]
Cecile Chevreau [1]
A. E. Matthews [1]
Andrew Timothy [1]

5. Commerical Releases

During the '70s there were about 20 records released, with beautiful
cartoon covers. I have only one of these -- 1985/The Shifting Sands ---
its cover is superb...

The following list comes from Paul Martin (p...@nowster.demon.co.uk):

BBC Radio Collection double cassette packs. (UK Pounds 8)

ZBBC 1007 -- Goon Show Classics
The Dreaded Batter Pudding Hurler Of Bexhill-on-Sea
The Histories of Pliny the Elder
The Jet-Propelled NAAFI
The Evils of Bushey Spon

ZBBC 1016 -- Goon Show Classics 2
Lurgi Strikes Britain
The International Christmas Pudding
Napoleon's Piano
The Flea

ZBBC 1047 -- Goon Show Classics 3
The Treasure of Loch Lomond
The Greenslade Story
Wings over Dagenham
The Rent Collectors

ZBBC 1048 -- Goon Show Classics 4
The Man Who Never Was
The Case of the Missing C. D. Plates
World War I
The Nasty Affair at the Burami Oasis

ZBBC 1133 -- Goon Show Classics 5
The Call of the West
The Last Smoking Seagoon
Shifting Sands

ZBBC 1149 -- Goon Show Classics 6
Rommel's Treasure
Ill met by Goonlight
I Was Monty's Treble
The Seagoon Memoirs

ZBBC 1236 -- Goon Show Classics 7
The Whistling Spy Enigma
The Affair of the Lone Banana
The Great Tuscan Salami Scandal

ZBBC 1334 -- Goon Show Classics 8
The Greatest Mountain in the World
The Mystery of the Marie Celeste (solved)
The Last Tram (from Clapham)
The Spanish Suitcase

ZBBC 1406 -- "What time is it, Eccles?" Goon Show Classics 9
Under Two Floorboards
The Sinking of Westminster Pier
The Yehti
The Mysterious Punch-Up-The-Conker

ZBBC 1513 -- "You can't get the wood you know!" Goon Show Classics [10]
The White Box of Great Bardfield
The Tales of Montmarte
The Great Bank Robbery
The Mystery of the Fake Neddie Seagoons

EMI Comedy Classics double cassette packs. (no Ellington or Geldray music)

ECC4 -- The Goon Shows Vol 1
Tales of Old Dartmoor
Tales of Men's Shirts
The Scarlet Capsule

ECC6 -- The Goon Shows Vol 2
China Story
The McReekie Rising of '74
Six Charlies in Search of an Author
Insurance, the White Man's Burden

ECC9 -- The Goon Shows Vol 3
The Missing No. 10 Downing Street
The Red Fort
Foiled by President Fred
Robin Hood and His Merry Men

---- end of list ---

Plus also:

The World of the Goons (released by Decca/Eclipse) on tape (just Goon
songs) and CD (same, plus some of Max's and Ray's material). See `Lyrics'
for even more.

Nearly everything (and they mean *everything*) Peter Sellers has put down on
leather and steam driven record can be found in the 4 CD box set
A Celebration of Sellers
EMI Catalog #7243 8 27781 2 7

A much smaller collection can be found on
Peter Sellers: The Peter Sellers Collection
EMI Comedy Classics #5
EMI Catalog #7 94583 4

A good cross section of Spike Milligan's material can be found on
Spike Milligan: A Collection of Spikes
EMI Comedy Classics #11
EMI Catalog #6 95306 4

There is also a tape/CD called
The Dark Side of the Goon
containing some of their solo works.

Their 1972 performance for the BBC 50th Anniversary has been released
on record, tape and *video*. Alas, the details escape me at present.

6. Books

**THE** book on the Goon Show is

The Goon Show Companion
By Roger Wilmut
Published by Robson Books in the UK.

Another good book is
The Story of the Goons

Several books of scripts have been published by Mr Milligna:
The Lost Goon Shows
The Goon Show Scripts

7. The Catchphrases

There were quite a few of these, most of these unique to the Goons. In no
particular order, and very incomplete:

Ying tong yiddle I po: nonsense of no fixed origin. Said either when
someone makes a startling revelation, or for no reason at all. Most often
said by Harry Secombe [Seagoon], and often followed by a loud `GOOD!'
from the rest of the cast. Also became a minor hit song for the trio, in
the form of `The Ying Tong Song'.

Hello 'der: Said by Eccles. Said when Eccles comes on the scene. Said
really idiotically. Said in most programs. Enuf said.

What what what what what what what what what what what what? Said by Seagoon
when he does not understand something. Often followed by put downs, like
``tweleve watts --- that's not very bright''. Also often followed by
Seagoon breaking down into chicken-type noises, for no readily apparent

You silly twisted boy, you: Said by Hercules Grytpype-Thynne of Neddie

You can't get the wood, you know: Said by Henry Crun when asked just
about anything. Also the subtitle of one of the commercial releases (see
above). This, of course, refers to the shortages of materials during and
after the Second World War (``there's a shortage of shortages''...)

Have a gorilla: Most often said to Ned Seagoon by Hercules
Grytpype-Thynne. The equivalent of ``have a cigarette''. Sometimes
mutated to ``have a picture of Queen Victoria'', or even ``have a
trombone/piano/bugle/gorilla''. Sometimes Ned accepts (to his peril in
``The Last of the Smoking Seagoons''), with ``no thanks -- I'm
religious'', ``--- I just put one out'', or ``--- they hurt my throat''.

... Charlie ...: as in ``Oh look, Charlie's here'', or ``this is the
Charlie''. Often said of Ned Seagoon just before someone gets him to do
something he will regret.

We'll all be murdered in our beds!: Said by Minnie Bannister, at the
drop of a hat [if you listen very carefully, you can just hear her on the
recording ;)]. When she was in a Bengal tiger it was ``we'll all be
murdered in our tigers''.

Fine, fine, fine: Said by Eccles. See `Hello 'der'.

Very well, my good man: Also said by Eccles, and sometimes by Bluebottle.

You wrotten swine, you deaded me: Said by Bluebottle just after he had been
<bang>. Followed by ``I shan't play this wrotten game no more. Exits left
with lugging lughole and shattered shins'' etc.

Needle nardle nu: another time filler. See ``ying tong yiddle I po!''

'Round the back for the 'old brandy: Often said just before the musical
numbers, during which the cast would disappear for a few minutes and
appear some what merrier.

Plus there were plenty of running gags in the programs, such as...

Tigers with flu (The White Box of Great Bardsfield):
You can't come in
--- Why not?
I tiger has flu

A tiger! Don't let it come near me?
--- Why not?
I've got flu!

``Let me take you wet kilt'', followed by the sound of ripping trousers.
Also from The White Box of Great Bardsfield.

``I wonder if he played the saxaphone''...

``It belonged to my mother...''

The program with possibly the greatest collection is ``The Last of the
Smoking Seagoons'', the very last regular Goon Show.

8. The Archive Site

There is a sort of unofficial FTP site for Goon related stuff. Courtesy
of David Josephson <da...@josephson.com>. It can be found at
ftp rahul.net:/pub/davidj/goons
There are/were a few digitized Goon sounds, some scripts (both
transcribed and freshly writted), and some other needle nardle nu.

9. Goon Preservation Societies

This comes to your courtesy of Hugh Garsden (hu...@parlo.ee.su.oz.au):

> The Australian Goon Society is -
> GASP (Goon Appreciation Society of Perth)
> Brian Allanson
> 34 Denham Way
> Thornlie WA 6108
> Australia

> $5 for a year membership. Ostensibly this covers 2 newsletters but Brian is
> a little busy so there has only been 1 in the last year. He runs the whole
> thing, as far as I can tell.

> Why join? Well, GASP has the best collection of Goons material in the
> Southern Hemisphere! (I just made that up, but I would bet on it.) He has
> all the shows, videos, newspaper clippings, radio shows about the Goons, TV
> shows about the Goons, all the stuff the the individual Goons have done
> (radio, TV, books) etc, and everything written about them. It all goes a
> long way back. He has original scripts. The newsletter is sent to Seacombe
> and Milligan and they know Brian. He gets material from the Goon Show
> Preservation Society in Britain and knows most of the people. Anything on
> the Goons, he has it. The newsletters are fascinating reading, and you can
> get back issues. Plus Brian will supply all the shows you want on tape (but
> I never said that :-) ).

> One newsletter that I have contains a picture of the infamous Sabrina.
> Apparently she was a model for the Philips company, and even released a
> single.

> Join now!

And from Marc Wiener (ma...@aip.org):

> Yes they are. They have an extensive arvhive of shows and
> related material along with a quarterly newsletter. Membership
> is 3 pounds Student, 5 pounds Adult and 6 pounds Overseas. Information
> can be had from the following:
> U.K.
> George Brown
> 83 Babingtrown Road
> Dagenham, Essex RM82XR
> U.S.
> Dick Baker
> 7004 Westmoreland Road
> Falls Church, VA 22042
> Australia
> Brian Allanson
> 34 Denham Way
> Thornlie, WA 6108
> Canada
> Bill Kempton
> 1206 East 59 Avenue
> Vancouver, BC V5X 149
> South Africa
> Aubrey Meier
> 7 Goodwill Road
> Pinetown 3610

And from Derek Wills (o...@astro.as.utexas.edu):

> My posting earlier today about getting tapes has already caught a few
> Charlies with Goon Show leanings and other disabilities. Perhaps it
> would be easier for me to post my standard message here so that the
> Afflicted can benefit as appropriate. I think all the information
> is current. I also have addresses for GSPS groups in Oz, Canada,
> NZ, South Effrica and California, to name but a few:
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> OK, Neddie, here's the info you need for injections of things Goonish.
> Write to Tom Yeates at 27 Kew Drive, Daveyhulme, Urmston, Manchester M31 2WW,
> England. He is Secretary of the Goon Show Preservation Society, and
> will gladly take your money - it currently costs 6 leather pounds a year,
> or equivalent in used bus tickets. At the current rate that's around $10.
> For this miniscule sum, you receive quarterly newsletters of the society -
> typically 20-page things that look as if they are put together by a bunch of
> illiterate junior high schoool students (but then GSPS members are not
> really normal). This contains Goonish articles, news of recent books of
> interest to members, details of meetings (if you can imagine a couple of
> dozen middle-aged loonies all doing Bluebottle impressions; these meetings
> are in England, but I think there are a few local gangs of Goon types in
> some areas of the US as well), "idiotorials", news of Milligan and Secombe
> and so on.
> There is an excellent book that is recommended reading for all Goon fans:
> "The Goon Show Companion" by Roger Wilmut and Jimmy Grafton (publ. Robson
> Books) - it's a thorough history of the Goons and the Goon Show. There's
> also a less serious "The Book of the Goons" (also publ. Robson Books), which
> contains inter-Goon correspondence and five scripts.
> OK, now concerning tapes - and this is where the story really begins.
> There is a tape library in England, but they don't send tapes overseas,
> the rotten swines. However, there is an archivist in the U$A, who has
> an even larger collection than they do. He is Dick Baker, and resides at
> 7004 Westmoreland Road, Falls Church, VA 22042. Write and ask him what
> the current arrangements are for getting tapes. When I joined up a few
> years ago, the deal was that I sent him a couple of blank cassette tapes
> with a stamped self-addressed "jiffy" bag for their return, and a nominal
> fee of $2 (50 cents per show). His price may have gone up by now - it's
> obviously minimal and is to cover the costs of maintaining his recording
> equipment; he asks nothing for his time and trouble. Depending on demand,
> he takes 1-3 weeks to get the tapes back to you. Over the years I have
> got all the available tapes (which is around 150 - although I had quite
> a few before, from commercial tapes and copies from a local who recorded
> them off the University of Texas' public radio station). Tell him I told
> you about this service, if you like - we have been corresponding for a
> long time now and he can write some hilarious letters. Mail the cassette
> tapes both ways via "4th class - sound recordings", it's much cheaper
> than first class and I never had any problems with it.
> Hope this is useful; don't hesitate to ask more if you want to. There
> are 3 other Goon fans in this Astronomy Department, but the others are not
> really hard-bitten, that's to say they don't pound on my door and demand to
> borrow tapes. They also don't order personalized pencils that have
> Webster Smogpule or H. Grytpype-Thynne engraved on them. Oh well.
> Whatever the current heading says, my real name is Derek Wills, and mail
> address is Dept. of Astronomy, University of Texas, Austin, TX 78712.
> Phone is 512-471-1392 and E-mail address is o...@astro.as.utexas.edu.

10. Films

There have been a few Goon like films. From Tony Quinn

> Full length films (containing 2 or more goons)
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Penny Points to Paradise (1951)
> Not exactly a 'goonish' film, but it contains SM, HS and PS in what
> is essentiallly a British slapstick comedy...
> Down among the Z men (1952)
> Contains many goons characters (Ozric Pureheart, Bloodnok, Eccles,
> etc.).
> Forces Sweetheart (1953)
> Nothing to do with the goons, but stars HS and MB.
> The Bed Sitting Room (1969)
> Post goon surrealism.. stars SM and HS.
> The Great McGonagall (1974)
> An unmitigated Disaster starring SM and PS (as Queen Victoria)
> Short Films
> ~~~~~~~~~~~
> Let's go Crazy (1951)
> Stars PS and SM ....... nothing more known.
> London Entertains (1951)
> A 'Goon Show' recording is one of the locations..
> The Srange Case of the Mukkinese Battlehorn (1956)
> Real Goons stuff, though no HS
> Filmed in the wonder of Schizophrenoscope (The new Split screen).
> The Running, Jumping and Standing still Film (1959)
> PS, SM No plot or dialogue, the entire film takes place in a
> field.

11. The Films of Peter Sellers

This is taken from the ``A Celebration of Sellers'' box set:

[If you read this line, then I have forgotten to include the file.]

I leave the above in for effect, but here are the details...

The following is a complete list of all the films of Peter Sellers, and
the characters he played. Taken from the booklet in the `A Celebration of
Sellers' CD box set. EMI Sellers 1 Catalog #7243 8 27781 2 7 (c) 1993


Black Rose (Bandit's voice)


London Entertains (Himself)
Let's Go Crazy (Groucho, Giuseppe, Cedric, Izzy Gozzunk, Crystal
Burlesque of Carmen
Penny Points to Paradise (The Major, Arond P'Fringe)


Down Under Among the Z Men (Colonel Bloodnok)


Beat the Devil (Bogart's Voice)
The Super Secret Service


Our Girl Friday (Parrot squawks)
Malaga (The whole cast)
Orders Are Orders (Private Goffin)


John & Julie (PC Diamond)


The Man Who Never Was (Churchill's voice)
The Ladykillers (Harry Robinson)
The Case of the Mukkinese Battlehorn (Inspector Quilt, Henry Crun, Sid
Crimp, Sir Jervis Fruit)


The Smallest Show on Earth (Percy Quilt)
Cold Comfort (Hector Dimwittie)
Insomnia Is Good for You (Hector Dimwittie)
Death of a Salesman


The Naked Truth (Sonny MacGregor)
Tom Thumb (Tony)
Up the Creek (Bosum Dockerty)


Carlton-Brone Of the F.O. (Amphibuolous)
The Mouse that Roared (Count Mountjoy, Duchess Gloriana, Tully Bascombe)
I'm All Right Jack (Fred Kite, Lord John)


The Running, Jumping and Standing Still Film (Himself)
The Battle of the Sexes (Mr Martin)
Two-Way Stretch (Dodger Lane)
Never Let Go (Lionel Meadows)
The Millionairess (Dr Ahmed el Kabir, William Mate (voice))
Climb Up the Wall


Mr Topaze (Albert Topaze)


Only Two Can Play (John Lewis)
The Road to Hong Kong (Indian Doctor)
Waltz of the Toreadors (General Leo Fitzjohn)
Lolita (Clare Quilty)
The Dock Brief (Morgenhall)


The Wrong Arm of the Law (Pearly Gates)
Heaven's Above! (The Reverend John Smallwood)
Light of Day


The Pink Panther (Inspector Jacques Clouseau)
Dr Strangelove, Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
(Captain Lionel Mandrake, President Merkin Muffley, Dr. Strangelove)
The World of Henry Orient (Henry Orient)
A Shot in the Dark (Inspector Jacques Clouseau)
Kiss Me Stupid (re-made without Sellers) (Orville J Spooner)
A Carol for Another Christmas (US TV)
Birds, Bees and Storks (Cartoon) (Narrator)


What's New Pussycat? (Dr Fritz Fassbender)
The Wrong Box (Dr Pratt)


After the Fox (Aldo Vanucci)


Casino Royale (Evelyn Tremble)
The Bobo (Juan Bautista)
Woman Seven Times (Jean)


The Party (Hrundi V. Bakshi)
I Love You, Alice B. Toklas (Harold Fine)


The Magic Christian (Sir Guy Grand)
Hoffman (Benhamin Hoffman)
A Day At the Beach
Simon, Simon (Himself)


There's a Girl in my Soup (Robert Danvers)


Where Does it Hurt? (Albert Hopfnagel)
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland (The March Hare)


The Blockhouse (unrealeased) (Rouquet)
Soft Beds, Hard Battles (General Latour, Major Robinson, Herr Schroeder,
Adolf Hilter, The President, Prince Kyoto, Narrator)


THe Optimists of Nine Elms (Sam)
Ghost in the Noonday Sun (video only) (Dick Scratcher)


The Great McGonagall (Queen Victoria)
The Return of the Pink Panther (Inspector Jacques Clouseau)


Murder By Death (Sidney Wang)
The Pink Panther Strikes Again (Inspector Jacques Clouseau)


The Revenge of the Pink Panther (Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau)


The Prisoner of Zenda (Jacques Clouseau)
Being There (Chance the Gardener)


The Fiendish Plot of Dr Fu Manchu (Hayland Smith, Dr Fred Fu Manchu)
The Great Pram Race


Trail of the Pink Panther (Inspector Jacques Clouseau)

12. Lyrics

Here are the lyrics and sleve notes to ``The World of the Goons''
tape/CD, plus also the song `The Sewers of the Strand'', as sung by
Spike. This number was originally done by Bluebottle in one of the
shows. (Which one???)

[If you read this line, then I have forgotten to include the file, again.]

I haven't ... here are the documents...
Below are my transcripts of the Goons's songs (i.e., songs they have
done as a trio.) Like much great comedy, it is all in the presentation,
so these lyrics do not make much sense on paper (neither, however,
do they make much sense when you HEAR them but that is getting
away from the point).

I have attempted to write down what I heard, but that often
proves difficult as Milligan is fond of words that do not
exist, or you can not write down. In other places the words
exist but are unintelligable (a little like me after listening
to this stuff for two hours solid!) Any corrections, suggestions
for what they actually said/sung/mumbled etc can be sent to me
in a brown paper parcel. I will scurtinize them with an
intense scrut and make the necessary adjustments.

Updated: 27/3/94 with corrections from afg readers. And added
The Sewers of the Strand
at the end.

Thanks to (in order of apperance in my saved article file)
Major Matt Mason (marm...@dunx1.ocs.drexel.edu)
Steve Caskey (cask...@ix.wcc.govt.nz)
Paul Martin (p...@nowster.demon.co.uk)
Nick Leverton (lev...@warren.demon.co.uk)
Ivan D. Reid (iv...@erich.triumf.ca)
Alun Jones (al...@internet.wst.com)
Martin Manley (mg...@engc.bu.edu)

The following information comes from the sleve notes (do tapes have 'sleves
-- why, they don't even have jackets!) of "The World Of the Goons"

My copy has an "eclipese" logo on it, and what looks like
a catalog number: "820 908-4". The cover has a picture of
a goose with it's head in an old fashioned wind-up gramophone
(a play on the HMV dog.) ["This is the end of the horned phonograph
and the little dog that looks into it!" (I can not recall which
one this comes from.)]

In addition to their radio work, in 1956 Decca Records UK (London US)
opportunsitically had them sign on the dotted line to tape four singles:

I'm Walking Backwards For Christmas (Milligan, Carbone)

Bluebottle Blues (Milligan, Carbone)
featuring Maurice Plonk and
his Orchestra Fromage with Nick Rauchen conducting
"The Ball's Pond Road, near the One in Harmony"

Produced by Marcel Stellman

Recorded: 24/05/1956 UK F 10756
Released: 25/06/1956
US 1684 04/08/1956

The Ying Tong Song (Milligan)
Produced by Marcel Stellman
Bloodnok's Rock'n'Roll Christmas (Carbone)
Produced by Marcel Stellman

Recorded: 16/08/1956 UK F 10780
Released: 10/09/1956, US None

I Love You (Milligan), featuring Slim Idiot
Produced by Marcel Stellman
Eeh! Ah! Oh! Ooh! (Carbone, arr. Lockyer) with Orchestra directed by "SIR"
Produced by Marcel Stellman
Recorded: 10/03/1957 UK F 10885
Released: 20/04/1957 US None

A Russian Love Song
Whistle Your Cares Away (Milligan, Stephens)
Produced by Marcel Stellman
Recorded: 14/10/1957 UK F 10945
Released: 21/10/1957
US None

They were, and have remained, consistent best-sellers under various
guises and this package collects them all together. Two further titles
were cut on March 10th 1957, but the tapes for these sadly disappeared
at the time and they obviously can not be released. We can only wonder
at what was concealed behind the billings "Who's That Knocking" and
"Hello Folks".

In 1978 original radio produce Marcel Stellman once again had the trio
return to the Decca's tehn microphoned portals in the capital's
West Hampstead district, whence they committed the two true stero
waxings which complete this marvellous sound tapestry,
"The Raspberry Song/Rhymes" (F 13769, Released 21/04/1978).

The Raspberry Song (Adapated Milligan)
Rhymes (Sarony, arr. Miligan)
with the Wormwood Scrubs Screws
Orchestra, conducted by Convict Ed Welch
Produced by Marcel Stellman/Ed Welch

In addition, Milligan has recorded on his own these relating directly
to the Goons:
My September Love (1956) [Eccles]
You Gotta Go Oww! (1956) [Moriarity]
Good King Eccleslas (1961) [Eccles, many]
These are featured on an EMI "Comedy Classics" Collection #11,
featuring a number of Milligan's songs, exerts from Pukcoon,
his war autobiographies and "interviews". Included on the tape
is an exert from "Dishonoured, again" under the unlikely
title of "The Power of Licorice". [Released in 1990,
catalog number 7 95306 4]


Here they are:

The Ying Tong Song

[This transcription by Paul Martin, the silly twisted boy -- RS]

[orchestral intro]

Tenor: There's a song that I recall
My mother sang to me.
Sprigs [off]: Oh! [a sigh]
Tenor: She sang it as she tucked me in
When I was ninety-three.

[harp plays a rising chord...]

Sprigs: I diddle, I. Who was that bum?

Bluebottle + Sprigs:
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po,
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong ying tong [bluebottle drops behind]
Ying tong iddle I po
Sprigs: Keep lad up. Keep.
Bluebottle: Keep up lad up.

Both: Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po
Sprigs: lad
Both: Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po [lad]
Iddle I po [lad]

Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong [Sprigs: iddle] [Bluebottle: ying tong]
Ying tong iddle I po
Ying tong ying tong iddle

Bluebottle [spoken]:
Ying tong iddle I po!
[short raspberry, Secombe]

Both: Oh!
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po
Iddle I po!

[trumpet bit]

Ying. Ying tongy tongy.
Ying tong iddle I po.
Ying tong iddle I po.
[Secombe under this: What a lovely lovely boy!]
Ying ying ying tongy tongy.
[Milligan: Get out the rifle, sir.]
Ying tong ying tong d'gy-n'o.
Ying tong d'ga.
[Secombe: Get away.]
D'g d'g d'ga.
Ying tong iddle I po.

Seagoon:Hear that crazy rhythm
Driving me insane.
Strike your partner on the bonce.
Eccles: Ooh. I felt no pain.
[Bluebottle screeches]

Seagoon, Bluebottle and Eccles:
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong ying tong

[harp chord rises]

Soprano: Take me back to Vienna....

[Raspberry section, probably Milligan]

Bloodnok: Ohhhhh!
Eccles: Oh!

[harp chord]

Soprano: Take me back to Vienna, where the....


Seagoon, Sprigs and Bluebottle [far off]:
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po

[mad dash to foreground]

Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po
[Sprigs: keep going lad]
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po

Seagoon: LOOK OUT!
[cry from Bluebottle]

[mad dash to distance]

Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po

[dash to foreground]

Ying tong...

[whine of bomb dropping, explosion]

Double speed, but same tempo, Goons:

Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po
Iddle I po.

Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po
Iddle I po.

One: Ying! Tongy tongy tongy.
Yiddy diddy diddy da daaa. Ying diddy.
Ying tong diddle. Yiddada boo.
[rhythmic thigh slapping, raspberry]

All Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle
Ying tong iddle I po
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po
Iddle I po.

Bluebottle?: Whoooooh!

I Love You

[ From ... marm...@dunx1.ocs.drexel.edu (Major Matt Mason)

This, of course, was a reference to Wyatt Earp, famous Western sherrif-type
fellow much lampooned in the 1950s and recently Kurt Russelized.

Chorus Singers[CS]:
Wiry Twerp, Wiry Twerp -- long may his memories remain
Tall in the saddle and low in the ground
That was old Wiry Twerp
(to horse) Whoa, whoa there, whoa!
Well folks -- I'm a aiming to sing

(sings) I love you
Oh yes I do
I love your brother
Your dear old sister, Sue (sister Sue)
I love your pa
And you dear cousin Lou
But most of all, my darling
I love your brother

He loves you
Honest he do
He loves your brother
Your dear old Sister, Flo
I love your pa (your pa)
And your dear Cousin Lou (Lou)
But most of all, my darling
I (He) loves your brother

I do love you
I do -- I dearest do (hiccup)

Eeh! Ah! Oh! Ooh!
(Sellers) Friends, pick up that bottle you will finding standing in
the centre of your dining room table
(Seacombe) Now examine it closely and read what it says on the very
small print on the back of the label
(Sellers) Note that it's contents are invaluable for pea soup,
falling ears, irritation of the nurglers, exteriminating socks
and preserving eggs
(Milligan) And that doctors strongly recommend it as a cure for the
lurgi, the on-set of the nadgers, spots before
the ankles, soft shoulders, pink toenail and
acute amounting on the legs
So ooooo (ow!)

If you're turning pimply and your knees are turning blue
Don't be nervous simply, try Eeh! Ah! Oh! Oh! Ooh!
Practice every morning and you'll find that you
Almost without warning will be Eeh! Oh! Ah! Oh! Ooh!

(Seacombe) Combat, cure infection with this latest thing
Follow the directions and PING!
(Milligan) Now the nights are colder you'll find what to do
Write [right!?] on the folder: Just Eeh! Ah! Oh! Ooh!

(Sellers?) When the flame affects you, or you got the flu
You find what protects you is Eeh! Ah! Nicky! Nu!
Better than the whisky, brandy gin or glue
Makes your liver frisky does Eeh! Or! Ah! Nu!

(Milligan/Eccles) And for making company or ?????????? try some in your coffee
And ya ha ya ya ha

(Seacombe) So if you get heated, don't get ??????????
Hold your breath, be seated and Eeh! Ah! Oh!

(All) So when your out of ????? and the rent is due
Just a tiny spoonful will do
And Oh! Ah! Arg! Oh! Glug! Arg! Arc! Arg! Ooh!

[Disgusting Donkey noises]
(Sellers/Bloodnok) Oh -- Oh! that's better!


(Secombe) I'm going to hold a rhyming comptetion
To prove that England is the greatest still
But if I don't like the rhyme that you have written
I reserve the right, the poet for to kill!

(Sellers/Thynee) This could mean the big time!
Have you heard of this man Moriarty
Who's never appeared with Russell Harty
(Milligan/Moriarty) The reason is this: I was out on the <smack>

(All) That was a terrible rhyme --
(Secombe) who's the next victim -- that' you

(Sellers/Bloodnok) A nobleman from old Bohemia
Whose daughter was christined Euphemia
Though she was a real stunner, she married a gunner
With chancres and haemiophilia!

(All) That was a wonderful rhyme sign us another one,do!
[ thought is comes out ``fright us a snagging or two'' -- RS ]
(Milligan/Moriarty) The reason is this: I was out on the <smack>
(Sellers/Bloodnok) Right in the old Niagaras

(Sellers/Bluebottle) There was a young lady of Tottingham
Who had no manners or had forgotten them
At tea at the Vicar's, she ripped off her knickers
Because she said she felt hot in 'em

(All) That was a jolly good rhyme. Sing us another one, do

(Milligan/Minnie) Why aren't I in this recording

(Milligan/Eccles) There was a young man of Trilee
Who was stung on the neck by a wasp
When asked did it hurt, he replied not at all.
It can't <oh!>

(All) That was an unfinished ryhme. Sing us another one do

(Sellers?/Rough) Morning hard on the nurdle
In arm with the bird and the burdle
The old fargon goo, he done riden the blue
And he grundled the gwreds and the gwrelds

(All) That was a jolly good rhyme. Sing us another one, do

(Milligan?/Japanese) There was a young man from Yokohomo
Who marry a girl from Kawmow (?)
On honeymoon night, bed catch alite
So he get up and put on pyjammas

(All) That was a jolly good rhyme. Sing us another one, do

(Sellers/German) There was a young Nazi from Berlin
Fought for Hitler in hopes that he would win
Now he cleans all the shoes of the Golders Green Jews
Boy have they got it in for him!

(All) That was a jolly good rhyme. Sing us another one, do

(Milligan/Indian1) There was a young man called Ghandi
(Sellers/Indian2) Gandi is right
(Indian1) Who went in to the bar for the Shandy
(Indian2) You are right absolutely
(Indian1) With his great loin cloth he wipes off the froth
And the barman says "Blimey, that's handy"

(All) That was a jolly good rhyme. Sing us another one, do
(Eccles) Well that's the end of that
(All) That was a jolly good rhyme. Sing us another one, do
(Bloodnok) Look, I have several others rhymes unsung
(All) That was a jolly good rhyme. Sing us another one, do
(Minnie) Stop! Stop! Stop!

<various fading out complaints which I can't be bothered
decypering >

(Moriarity) The reason was this, I was out on the <gunshot!>

Whistle Your Cares Away

(Eccles): Oooohh! Who stuck that needle in my nut

<music starts>
(Milligan/Sprigs): <warming up>
(Thank you, yes. Very good. Thank you mystro, I think I have it now)
Life is ...
(sorry, I'll start again)
Life is full of modern type misfortune
Full of stife and wow and grief by fright
But even though you come upon misfortune
There's one thing that will save you in the end
When life is not all bliss, please remembering

(Secombe) (Thank you)

When you're drowning in the water of a shark infested bay
Give a little <whistle> and whistle your cares away
When your standing on the gallows at the dreaded break of day
Give a little <whistle> and whistle your cares away

Your beauty is a raphosdy -- classic melody
Hiding all refrain from most experienced regancy (??)

(Secombe) If your tightned to the railroad and the train is on its way
Give a little <whistle> and whistle your cares away

< can't make this out>
Living in the dreaded London Town
But your life will not be half as dreay,
if you do not let them get you down
So listen to my plea, for the price of one and three
Oh, thank you <splash>

(Little Jim)
He has fallen in the water

(Secombe) ... of a shark infested bay.
Give a little HELP!
(Eccles) ... and whistle your cares away

(Minnie) Henry! Henry! Henry!

(Secombe) If you're tightned to the railroad and the train is on its way
Just give a little <TOOT! TOOT!> and whistle your cares away

<Train noises>

(Eccles) Oh!

Side 2

The Raspberry Song

(Moriarty) Oh, oh! Let me out -- my only crime is eating
(Secombe) Don't worry -- I'll give the screws a song
The warden won't mind
(Bloodnok) No -- he's doing bird as well. Mystro
(Moriarty) Take your partners for the ball and chain one step
One, two, three

(Bloodnok) May I have this dance warden, you can hold my ball
(Secombe) In a little prison where I'm locked in there is a most
pecular fellow
His name is Eccles and he's is in cell nine
But his voice is soft and mellow
He keeps a fruit cart in his cell, and all the convicts knows it
He doesn't sing or rave about his fruit
-- he simply blows it

(Bloodnok) He's doing it all night long
(Secombe) It's better than any song
No, it isn't very pretty, but you've got to admit its cute
(Bloodnok) Never, never
(Secombe) So all together let it go -- eat more fruit!

(Bloodnok) Don't tell me he's come to stay
(Secombe) Let the wardens here him say
Fruit's in season! Let's be merry! Apples, plums and the old raspberry
Everything is fresh today
(Bloodnok) Don't let him get near me, please!

(Secombe) Every Friday night when work is done
He does not wastes a minute
To the prison warden he hurries 'round where he sings just like
a lillet
To hear him blow a melody its great, you can't deny it
And if you've nothing else to do,
we'd like the screws to try it
(Bloodnok) No more, please!

(Secombe) Get ready and do it now
(Eccles) The crazy man, you know how
(Bloodnok) God knows it isn't very pretty
(Secombe) You've got to admit it's cute
(Bloodnok) Well....
(Secombe) All together let it go -- eat more fruit
(Bloodnok) There isn't a cure they say!
(Secombe) Let the screws all hear him say:
(Eccles) Don't eat farm laid <wow!> (???)
(Secombe) Every thing is fresh today

(Bluebottle) Hello everybody, remember me, Bluebottle?
I'm fourteen now and I have got boils
<sings> Though I don't look very pretty, I'm wearing my
new brown suit.
The only trouble with it is when I go outside I'm struck
my fruit.
(Bloodnok) Don't point him at him I say
(Secombe) It's a treat to hear him play
Fruit's in season, plums and berries
Apples, pears and the old raspberry

(All) Every thing is fresh to day

(Bloodnok) Someone open a window, please!

Bluebottle Blues

Big musical introduction.
Sound of door opening, and Bluebottle (B) runs up to microphone,
where the Secombe (S) is waiting.

B: Oh! Hello everybody! <boos, rasperberries>
S: Just the lad I've been looking for.
B: Oh!
S: <sings>
Clamber in my head, Fred
Whence all but you have fled, Fred
There is no contesting,
I've no way of manifesting
How much I'd prefer you dead, Fred
B: Oh I'm glad you like me, my Captain
Because I trust you too.
S: Gratifiy your wim, Jim.
B: Jim? What happened to Fred?
S: He changed his name.
B: What to?
S: Chunky.
Tell me, can you swim Jim?
B: No, Jim can not swim.
S: Then step upon this plank, son
On the river bank, son
Which I have carefully arranged
so it will suddenly tip up and throw you
into thirty feet of muddy water
when you upset the trim by stepping on
the rim, Jim.
B: I say, it's not for deading me, is it Captain?
S: Oh course not, dear boy! Just walk along it a bit further!
B: Righty-ho then. Ahh. Here I am on the edge of the nice
little wooden-type plank. It is a lovely day for
a naughty blank. <SPLASH!> Arg! Oh!

YAHHH! You've drowneded me.
I do not like this game.

I've got those "When I say I trust you I do not want to be drownded
because I do not like those kind of game" Blues.
I don't like tricks that go sploogy-splat
(They say harm can come to a young lad like that)
And I do not like explosions that blow me back to Christmas (?)
Out of my el-seaside pudding queue (???)
I don't like being wetted by nasty April showers
And I do not like being nutted by Eifel and Blackpool towers
So I do not want to be drowned, nutted, deaded, hitteded, splatted
I don't like that kind of type blues -- I don't like that
I've got them Bluebottle Blues.

S: Still alive?
Take this cigarette, pet.
B: Oh ta
S: No, don't light it yet, pet.
<off> All right, now you can light it.
B: Are you sure I won't be deaded or nothing, Captain?
S: <off> No, no -- don't be frightened!
B: All right then, I'll just put a match to it,
and .... < BOOOM>

< over explosion >

You rotten swine you! You deaded me again.
I shan't play this rotten game no more.

Picks up fretted knee caps, replaces lugging lug hole
And exists through little hole in middle of record

<sound of Bluebottle doing same>

<Heavy boots approaching microphone>
(Milligan, unaccompanied) I'm walking backwards for Christmas
-- oh no, that's on the other side!

A Russian Love Song

There were two Russian lovers
Walking hand in hand on the banks of a river
in a snow covered land.
A boy and a girl with starlight in their eyes
They kiss and caress as he tenderly sighs

Oh! Oh! Oh! Comrade! All right comrade that's enough!
We meet each night by the silvery light of our
dear old fashioned Russian satellite moon
It shines so bright -- turns Americans white
at the sight of our dear old fashioned Russian sattelite moon

And over here in England I saw it at my flat
I ran into the cellar and put on my old ARP hat

Don't be silly!
Comrades! Just dance with joy, while we are all still alive
by the light of our glorious Russian sattelite moon


Look up in the skys -- I can't believe my eyes!
It's that dear old fashioned Russian sattelite moon!

What, what, where?
Hand me get my gun -- we're going to have some fun
<bang> Oh I missed that naught Russian sattelite moon

I'll have to run you in there for a very legal reason
Shooting at Russian moons when they are out of season

Stand aside -- my reply to that is this rocket driven hat
England's answer to that Russian sattelite moon

The President. Gentleman the President of the har-har-har of the har-har-har
There is a Russian sattelite moon of Arkansor, Mr President
Thank heaven it is not over America
Don't worry, we are prepared for this
Mr Presley: hit 'em heavy

Now listen here! I'll make it clear just what we intend to do
I'm gonna rock around that Russian sattelite moon
I'm gonna rock around that Russian sattelite moon
<something I can't make out>
<fades, to replaced by a Russian>

That's right, comrade Elvis
Go on, shake your hips while we listen to the blips
Of our glorious Russian sattelite moon.

<Various strange words getting faster until the Russian

Bloodnok's Rock'n'Roll Call

Company shun! Shoulder High!! (?) By the right, number!
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight
Nine, ten, eleven, tweleve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen
Sixteen, fifteen, fourteen, thirteen, twelve, eleven, ten, nine
Eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight
Nine, ten, eleven, tweleve, thirteen, fourteen, <bang>

You've got to rock and roll in a roll call way
You've got to march with a Marilyn Monroe-ese way
You've got to rock and roll with your old kit bag
But you musn't ever mention her name in the mess
And if you want to know the title of this number
It is a Major Dennis Bloodnok Rock'n'Roll Call rhumba

Left, left, left, right left
Quick, slow, quick, quick, slow
In, out, in, in, out
Pick up your gun, shove a bullet up the spout
It's the dance they do from Spain to Pango-Pango (??)
It is a Major Dennis Bloodnok Rock'n'Roll Call Tango

Coy, dum diddle, blow de how
Bombay didde bowl of char
Um diddle

Minnie: Stop! Stop! Stop that sinful naughty record-type music
Stop it I say! Oh! Stop it!

Bloodnok: Oh! Foddle me puckies and cril me topie (???)
Why do my beady old eyes deceive me, or is it?
No, no -- it can't be. But yes! It is!
It's me old child hood sweetheart Spotty Minnie
Bannister-- the darling of Roper's Light Horse

Bless my sole, what are you doing here?
Nothing catching I hope
Minnie: I just came to put my bag full of money in the bank
Bloodnok: Money! Money! Oh!!! Neddie, take Miss Bannister
in a steaming love dance while I check her properties
One, two, three, four

Secombe: Change to the left, ladies to the right.
All join hands -- panic

<some nonsense I am not even going to bother to try to type out>

Bloodnok: Bravado, bravado. What a voice! (What a bank balance!)
I beg you, you gorgeous wanton. Give me some small token
of your love and I will sing you a known miltary melody.

Music, mystro Plonk

(Right mate)
You've got to rock'n'roll in a monetary manner
If you want to earn a necessary tanner
Take your pick while the picking's good
If you never pick right, things will never get better
When I hear the tink of money that is good news
It drives away the Bloodnok Rock'n'Roll call blues

So let there be, always some cash for me
That will be mine, all mine!

(Send 2/6 for a copy of this record)

I'm Walking Backwards For Christmas

I'm walking backwards for Christmas,
Across the Irish Sea,
I'm walking backwards for Christmas,
It's the only thing for me.

I've tried walking sideways,
And walking to the front,
But people just look at it,
And say it's a publicity stunt.

I'm walking backwards for Christmas,
To prove that I love you.

An imigrantal lad, loved an Irish collemm (????)
From Dublin Galway Boy. (????)
He longed for her arms,
But spurned his charms,
And sailed with a former wife.

She left the lad by himself, on his own
All alone, sorrowing
And sadly he dreamed, or at least that's the
way it seemed, buddy,
That an angel quieted him....
An angel quieted the same.


I'm walking backwards for Christmas,
Across the Irish Sea.
I'm walking backwards for Christmas,
It's the finest thing for me.

And so I've tried walking sideways,
And walking to the front.
But people just laughed, and said,
"It's a publicity stunt".

So I'm walking backwards for Christmas
To prove that I love you.

<play out>

Spike: Thank you -- and for an encore ...
BlueBottle: 'Ere -- I didn't think much of that. I think my side was better
Spike: Get that child OUT OF HERE!
<sound of BB getting kicked out of room>


The Sewers of the Strand (1961)

You can find this on...
EMI Comedy Classics
Spike Milligan: A Collection of Spikes
(Songs and sketches from this Unique Comic Talent)
(c) 1990, catalog # 7 95306 4 (for the tape)
Available also on CD

The Sewers of the Strand (1961)

Yes folks, I can understand their feelings because they are about to play:

Sideways through the sewers of the Strand on a Sunday afternoon
Sideways through the sewers of the Strand will be our honeymoon
Ankle deep folks in sludge dear we'll walk hand in hand
They do say that the sewers of the Strand are the finest in the land

Sideways through the sewers of the Strand will be paradise for two
Who cares if the atomosphere is blue
'Cause there's nothing wrong with a good old British pong
Sideways through the sewers of the Strand with you....

Ah my darling little bride.
We meet by accident, folks -- she ran over me with a tram
Her name was Buler, mine was Jim.
I was glad they called me Jim, folks, because that was my name
I found that she had been going out with an Irish dentist called Phil McCavity
He walked with a pronounced limp -- l-i-m-p pronounced limp, folks
Oh the worry turned me grey. This gave me a strange appearance as I was bald
at the time.
Ah the first time I met her was late early one morning in Spring.
There was a heavy dew on the grass -- the had just be thrown out of
a synagogue for eating during the sermon
I told her 'Darling, let me take you away from the squalor you
live in, and live in the squalor I live in'
So, we were married in the Spring, folks
We had the reception in the pond
There was plenty to drink folks
And then off we went! Folks!

Sideways through those naughty sewers of the naughty Strand will
be a paradise for two (not one but two, folks)
Who cares if the atmosphere is blue (phew!)
'Cause there's nothing wrong (is there) with a goold old British PONG!
Sideways through the sewers of the Strand with you
I don't mean maybe.

<some chattering>

13. The programs

At long last, the list of programs. In fact, two list of programs --- one
by date, one by title. This was taken from the excellent book ``The Goon
Show Companion''.

[If you read this line, then I have forgotten to include the file, once again.]


The chaos which surrounds the fictional characters in 'The Goon Show' has
had a tendency to spill over into real life and affect anyone associated
with the shows. The history of the programme is confused and often
contradictory. The BBC's files have been thoroughly complicated by
last-minute changes of cast, changes of title, and other incidents; and
people who were involved with the shows occasionally say things in
interviews and articles which suggest that their memory is playing tricks
on themQhardly surprising at this distance in time. It is with the hope of
clearing up as much of this confusion as possible that this Goonography has
been undertaken.

Researching the details proved to be something of a Goon Show in itself,
sorting through microfilmed files and scripts at the BBC, ploughing through
the Radio Times, and, where possible, checking against recordings of the
shows themselves. In research of this complexity there is always the chance
that small details will go astray; the reader's indulgence is asked for any
errors which may have crept in.

An explanation of the BBC's programme filing system is perhaps necessary.
When the original recordings were made, they were kept for transmission and
subsequent repeats in 'Recorded Programmes Current Library', and were given
identification numbers which have been quoted in the chronological index.
These are the numbers beginning SLO, TLO, and so on. None of the original
recordings still exists under these numbers. Some were transferred to
'Recorded Programmes Permanent Library' (better known as Sound Archives)
under new numbers. Those preserved in this way are detailed in Appendix 3.

It is a popular myth that the BBC keeps all its programmes. This would be
impossible, as a building the area of Wl would be required to house them
all. Sound Archives exists to preserve a representative sample of programs,
and in fact 'The Goon Show' is fairly generously - 41 programs out of 241
('ITMA' is represented by 44 out of 312, for example). However, 129 shows
are preserved in the Transcription Services issues for use by overseas
radio stations (and in fact the 1975 series of repeats was drawn entirely
from Transcription Services' library).

THe main part of this Goonography is a chronological index of all the shows,
with their titles, transmission dates, cast changes and other relevant
information. It is preceded by an alphabetical index both official and
announced titles (where these are differ followed by appendices dealing
with, among other th Transcription Services issues, the shows in Archives,
and in Show appearances by the Goons.

It would have been impossible for me to have compile information without
the help I received. My colleagues Tim Smith and Peter Copeland acted
as research assistants; Dennis Main Wilson, Peter Eton, John Browell,
Bobby Jaye, Ron Belchier, David Allen, Brian Willey, George Martin and
Norma Farnes kindly answered silly questions over the telephone. BBC
Sound Archives, Script Registry (Radio and Television), Programme Index,
Transcription Services and Written Archives Centre at Caversham, and
many other departments, were most helpful in providing access to their
files and in checking details, as was the British Film Institute. My
thanks to all of them.
R. F. Wilmut
December, 1975


So many characters appeared in the Goon Shows that it is impossible
to list them all; all the major characters are included and many of
the minor ones, but not those who appeared in one show only. A few
minor characters were played by different people from time to time
-- they are listed under the artist who usually plays them.

Neddie Seagoon Old Uncle Oscar
Fred Bogg (cockney idiot) Mr. Nugent Dirt
Big Chief Worri Guts

Mr. Henry Crun Cynthia/'Breathy Kensington Dear'
Hercules Grytpype-Thynne Hern (American Announcer)
Major Dennis Bloodnok Babu Banerjee
Bluebottle 'Dear Duchess'
Willium ('Mate') Hairy Scot
Lew/'Cash'/Judge Schnorrer 'Swede' (rustic voice)
Gravely Headstone 'Geraldo'
Flowerdew ('camp' voice) 'Cyril' ('I seen 'im')
Dr. Justin Eidelburger 'Dimbleby'
Reuben Croucher 'Churchill'
William J. MacGoonigal (sometimes) and the piano (very badly)

Eccles 'Wolfit' (tragic actor)
Miss Minnie Bannister Fred Fu-Manchu (and other Chinese
Count Jim Moriarty gentlemen)
Abdul/Singhiz Thingz Throat/Miss Throat
Mr. Lalkaka Yakamoto
Bowser (upper-class twit) Jim Spriggs Basil
Adolphus Spriggs (wandering singer) (upper-upper-class twit)
William J. MacGoonigal (other times) Little Jim

Big Chief Ellinga The Red Bladder


Official titles are indexed to series and number, or date if out-of-series.
Transcription Services (TS) and announced titles which differ from the
official title are referred to that title.

In the case of announced titles. only the announcement at the beginning of
the show is considered, not that after the musical items (unless the show
is episodic).

Third series shows are indexed by their official title only.

Some announced titles merely add 'Great' to the official title (e.g., 'The
Great Spon Plague') Q this has been ignored for the purposes of this index;
if a title cannot be found, try removing 'Great' from it (or, in some
cases, adding it: 'The Tuscan Salami Scandal' is correctly 'The Great
Tuscan Salami Scandal').

* indicates announced title differing from official one.
** indicates TS title differing from official one.
+ indicates announcement for part of a show (other than 3rd series).
V = 'Vintage Goons' (after 8th series in main list).

Services issues
Series/number (originals in
Title or date brackets)

'________!'l' * ** see World War One
Adventures of Fearless Harry Secombe, The + regular spot in
first five minutes of 4/3, 8, 10 and some 3rd series
Affair of the Lone Banana, The 5/5 (4) 2
Africa Ship Canal, The 7/22 (45) 43
African Incident 8/14 (59)
Albert Memorial, The V/14 (V/14) 8
Archers, The 3/6
Archie in Goonland 11-6-54
Ascent of Mount Everest, The 3/24

Bandit of Sherwood Forest, Ye 5/14 (87)
Battle of Spion Kop, The 9/9
Booted Gorilla, The 5/10 (91)
Brain* see Western Story
British Way, The 4/12
British Wayof Life, The 3/10
Building of Britain's First Atomic Cannon, The 4/4
Building of the Suez Canal, The 3/21
Bulletto* see The Invisible Acrobat
Burning Embassy, The 8/3 (62) 49

Call of the West, The 9/12 (75) 25
Canal, The 5/6 (5) 28
Captain Singo, or Goon Law or Anythingggggg (Hern) *
see The Call of the West
Case of Agent X2, The*
see The Silent Bugler
Case of the Fake Neddie Seagoons, The* **
see The Mystery of the Fake Neddie Seagoons
Case of the Missing CD Plates, The 6/5 (23) 63
Case of the Missing Heir, The 5/16 (8) 30
Case of the Vanishing Room, The 4/21
Childe of Harolde Rewarde, The 9/6 (74) 82
China Story 5/17 (9)
China Story (Radio Show version) 29-8-56
Chinese Legs, The 10/3 (82)
Choking Horror, The 6/22 (26) 37
Christmas Carol, A 10/1 (86) 58
Christmas Crackers (contribution) 25-12-53
Cinderella 26-12-51
Collapse of the British Railway Sandwich
System,The 4/24
Collapse of the British Railway
Sandwich System The*
see The Mustard and Cress Shortage
Confessions of a Secret Senna-pod Drinker* **
see The End
Conquest of Space, The 5/23
Coronation Edition 3-6-53
Crime Does Not Pay*
see The Kippered Herring Gang
Crime Does Not Pay Income Tax
see r. Jekyll and Mr. Crun
Curse of Frankenstein, The 8/18 (64) 51

De Goonlies, The 3/22
Death in the Desert*
see The Lost Gold Mine (of Charlotte)
Dishonoured -- Again 9/13 (78)
Dishonoured, or The Fall of Neddie Seagoon 5/12 (7)
Dr Jekyll and Mr. Crun 4/16
The Dreaded Batter-Pudding Hurler
(of Bexhill-on-Sea), The 5/3 (88)
Dreaded Piano Clubber, The 4/1
Dreaded Piano Clubber, The V/12 (V/12)
Drums Along the Mersey, The 7/2 (31) 71

Egg of the Great Auk, The 3/2
Emperor of the Universe 7/14 (104)
End, The 5/26 (13) 33
Evils of Bushey Spon, The 8/25
Expedition for Toothpaste, The 3/5
Fear of Wages, The 6/25 69
50 Pound Cure, The 9/17 (80)
Fireball of Milton Street, The 5/22 (94)
First Albert Memorial to the Moon, The 4/7
First Albert Memorial to the Moon, The*
see The Albert Memorial
Flea, The 7/12 (36) 15
Flint of the Flying Squad 3/12

Flying Saucer Mystery, The 4/10
Foiled by President Fred 6/7 72
Forog 5/13 (93)
Fred Fu-Manchu and his Bamboo Saxophone*
see The Terrible Revenge of Fred Fu-Manchu
Fred of the Islands 3/1
Ghastly Experiments of Dr. Hans
Eidelburger, The 4/3
Giant Bombardon, The 4/13
Giant Bombardon, The V/4 (V/4) 74
Gibraltar Story, The 4/5
Gold Plate Robbery, The 9/16 (79) 26
Goons Hit Wales, The 1-3-56
Great Art Mystery, The*
see The Mystery of the Fake Neddie Seagoons
Great Bank of England Robbery, The 4/29
Great Bank of England Robbery, The V/11 (V/11) 12
Great Bank Robbery, The 7/7 (101)
Great British Revolution, The 8/12 (57) 48
Great Ink Drought of 1902, The 4/22
Great Regent's Park Swim, The 8/4 (50) 21
Great Statue Debate, The 8/26 (107)
Great Trans-Africa Canal, The*
see The Africa Ship Canal
Great Tuscan Salami Scandal, The 6/23 (28) 68
Greatest Mountain in the World, The 4/23
Greatest Mountain in the World, The V/2 (V/2) 9
Greenslade Story, The 6/14 66

Hansard Unexpurgated*
see The Ink Shortage and
The Great Ink Drought of 1902
Harry Proves he is not a Dog+
see The Spanish Armada
Hastings FlyerQRobbed, The 6/15
Her 2/8
Histories of Pliny the Elder, The 7/25 (105)
History of Communications, The 4/18
House of Teeth, The 6/20 (24) 67

I Knew Terence Nuke*
see DishonouredQAgain
I Was a Male Fan Dancer 3/3
I Was Monty's Treble 9/2 (67) 54
Ill Met By Goonlight 7/23 (46) 20
In Honour Bound*
see Foiled by President Fred
Ink Shortage, The V/7 (V/7)
Insurance, the White Man's Burden 7/21 (44) 19
Internal Mountain, The V/9 (V/9) 11
International Christmas Pudding, The 6/9 (17) 65
Invisible Acrobat, The 4/28

Jet-Propelled Guided NAAFI, The 6/19 (99)
Junk Affair, The 8/2 (49)

King Solomon's Mines 8/10 (55) 75
Kippered Herring Gang, The 4/19
Kippered Herring Gang, The V/5 (V/5)
Kleens of Blenchinghall, The*
see The Gold Plate Robbery

Last of the Smoking Seagoons, The*
see The Last Smoking Seagoon
Last Smoking Seagoon, The 10/6 (85) 57
Last Tram (from Clapham), The 5/9 (90)
Lost Colony, The* **
see The Sale of Manhattan
Lost Emperor, The 6/3 62
Lost Gold Mine (of Charlotte), The 5/2 (2) 27
Lost Horizon*
see Shangri-La Again
Lost Music of Purdom, The*
see The Missing Scroll
Lost Year, The 6/13 (20)
Lurgi Strikes Again**
see Lurgi Strikes Britain
Lurgi Strikes Britain 5/7 (89)

MacReekie Rising of '74, The 7/4 (32)
Man Who Never Was, The 3/20
Man Who Never Was, The 6/27 (30) 13
Man Who Never Was, The 8/21
Man Who Tried To Destroy London's
Monuments, The 4/2
Man Who Won the War, The 6/1 (97)
Merry Christmas and Custard, A*
see A Christmas Carol
Mighty Wurlitzer, The 6/16 (21)
l,000,000 Pound Penny, The 9/3 (68) 81
Missing Battleship, The 8/8 (53)
Missing Boa Constrictor, The 7/24 (47) 44
Missing Bureaucrat, The 4/8
Missing Chrstmas Parcel, The 8-12-55
Missing Prime Minister, The 4/15
Missing Prime Minister of 1953, The*
see The Missing Ten Downing Street
Missing Scroll, The 5/19 (11) 31
Missing Ten Downing Street, The V/3 (V/3)
Moon Show, The 7/18 (40) 16
Moriarty Murder Mystery, The 8/17 (61) 77
Mountain Eaters, The 9/5 (70) 23
Mummified Priest, The 4/17
Mummified Priest, The V/1 (V/1) 4
Mustard and Cress Shortage, The V/8 (V/8)
My Heart's in the Highlands*
see The Curse of Frankenstein Mysterious
Punch-up-the-Conker, The 7/19 (41) 17
Mystery of the Cow on the Hill, The 3/18
Mystery of the Fake Neddie Seagoons, The 7/9 (35) 14
Mystery of the Marie Celeste (Solved), The 5/8 (6) 29
Mystery of the Monkey's Paw, The 5/17

Nadger Plague, The 7/3 (100)
Napoleon's Piano 6/4 (14) 3
Nasty Affair at the Burami Oasis, The 7/1 70
Navy, Army and Air Force, The 3/9
Ned's Atomic Dustbin 9/10 (73)
Ned the Miser+
see The 1,000,000 Pound Penny
Nineteen-Eighty-Five 5/15
Nineteen-Eighty-Five 5/20

Operation Bagpipes 4/9
Operation Christmas Duff 24-12-56

Pam's Paper Insurance Policy, The 9/4 (69)
Personal Narrative 7/8 (34) 40
Personal Narrative of Captain Neddie
Seagoon R.N, The
see Personal Narrative
Pevensey Bay Disaster, The 6/10 (18) 34
Phantom Head Shaver (of Brighton), The 5/4 (3) 59
Plasticine Man, The 8/13 (58) 76
Policy, The 8/9 (54) 22
Port of London Authority's Valuable Hand
Carved Oil Painted Valuable Floating Pier, The*
see The Sinking of Westminster Pier

Quatermass O.B.E. *
see The Scarlet Capsule
Queen Anne's Rain 9/8 (72) 24

Raid of the International Christmas
Pudding, The 6/17
Reason Why, The 22-8-57
Red Fort, The 8/7
Rent Collectors, The 7/16 73
Robin Hood 26-12-52
Robin Hood rec. 2-12-56 (48) 84
Robin's Post 10/4 (83) 56
Rommel's Treasure 6/6 (15) 6
Round the World in Eighty Days 7/20 (43) 18
Saga of HMS Aldgate, The 3/4
Saga of the Internal Mountain, The 4/27
Sahara Desert Statue, The 9/1 80
Sale of Manhattan, The 6/11 (19) 35
Scarlet Capsule, The 9/14 (76)
Scradje 6/26 (29) 5
Seagoon MCC* **
see The Man Who Won the War
Seagoon Memoirs, The 9/7 (71) 55
Search for Rommel's Treasure, The*
see Rommel's Treasure
Search for the Bearded Vulture, The 3/16
Seaside Resorts in Winter 3/13
Secret Escritoire, The 6/2 (98)
Shangri-La Again 6/8 (16) 7
Shifting Sands 7/17 (39) 42
Siege of Fort Knight, The 4/30
Siege of Fort Night, The V/13 (V/13)
Siege of Khartoum, The+
see The History of Communications
Silent Bugler, The 4/25
Silent Bugler, The V/10 (V/10) 79
Silver Dubloons, The 10/5 (84) 83
Sinking of Westminster Pier, The 5/21 (12) 32
Six Charlies in Search of an Author 7/13 (37)
Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street, The 5/23 (95)
Sleeping Prince, The 7/6 (42) 64
Space Age, The 8/6 (51) 45
Spanish Armada, The 4/11
Spanish Suitcase, The 5/11 (92)
Spectre of Tintagel, The 7/5 (33) 39
Spon 8/1
Spon Plague, The 8/23 (66) 53
Spy, The
see Who Is Pink Oboe?
Starlings, The 31-8-54
Stolen Postman, The 8/11 (56) 47
Story of a Crime Type Murder, The*
see The l,000,000 Pound Penny
Story of Civilisation, The 3/15
Story of Lord Seagoon, Playboy of the
Western Approaches, The*
see Robin's Post
Story of the Plymouth Hoe Armada, The 3/25
Strange Case of Diplomatic Immunity, A*
see The Case of the Missing CD Plates
String Robberies, The 8/16 (60) 78
Survey of Britain, A 3/11
Tale of India, A*
see The Red Fort
Tale of Men's Shirts, The 10/2 (81)
Tales of Montmartre 6/18 (22) 36
Tales of Old Dartmoor 6/21 (25)
Tay Bridge, The 9/15 (77)
Telephone, The 7/11 (103)
Ten Snowballs that Shook the World 8/20 (63) 50
Ten Thousand Fathoms Down in a Wardrobe 4/14
Terrible Blasting of Moreton's Bank, The
(see note 8 to 5th series)
Terrible Revenge of Fred Fu-Manchu, The 6/12
Terror of Bexhill-on-Sea. The*
see The Dreaded Batter - Pudding Hurler (of
Thing on the Mountain, The 8/15 (106)
Through the Sound Barrier in an Airing Cupboard 4/6
Tiddleywinks 8/24
Toothpaste Expedition, The 4/20
Tragedy of Oxley Towers, The 3/14
Treasure in the Lake, The 6/24 (27) 58
Treasure in the Tower, The 8/5 (52) 46
Treasure of Loch Lomond, The* see
The Treasure in the Lake

Under Two Floorboards -- A Story of the Legion 5/18 (10) 61

Vanishing Room, The V/6 (V/6) 10
Western Story 4/26
What's My Line? 7/10 (102)
Where Do Socks Come From? 3/19
Where does Santa Claus go in the Summer? 3/8
Whistling Spy Enigma, The 5/1 (1)
White Box of Great Bardfield, The 5/25 60
White Neddie Trade, The 8/19
Who Is Pink Oboe? 9/11
Wings Over Dagenham 7/15 (38) 41
World War One 8/22 (65) 52

Yehti 5/24 (96)

14. BBC Censorship

You might be interested in this..

[If you read this line, then I have forgotten to include the file, and
you are now probably sick of the joke.]

Private and Confidential

BBC Variety Programmes Policy Guide
For Writers and Producers


This booklet is for the guidance of producers and writers of light
entertainment programmes. It seeks to set out the BBC's general policy
towards this type of material, to list the principal 'taboos', to
indicate traps for the unwary or inexperienced, and to summarise the
main guidance so far issued of more than a short-term application. It
is however no more than a guide, inevitably incomplete and subject of
course to supplementation. It cannot replace the need of each producer
to exercise continued vigliance in matters of taste.


The BBC's attitude towards its entertainment programs is largely
governed by the fact that broadcasting is a part of the domestic life
of the nation. It caters in their own homs for people of all ages,
classes, trades and occupations, political opinions and religious
beliefs. In that respect it has no parallel among other media of
entertainment and the argument, frequently advanced, that the BBC
should be ready to broadcast material passed for public performance on
the stage or screen is not valid. The Corporation must have its own
standards moulded in the light of its own circumstances. The influence
that it can exert upon its listeners is immense and the responsibility
for a high standard of taste correspondingly heavy. Its aim is for its
programmes to entertain without giving reasonable offence to any part
of its diversified audience. It must therefore keep its programmes
free from vulgarity, political bias, and matter in questionable taste.
The claims of sectional interests to special consideration need
constantly to be weighed but at the same time the BBC must not be at
the mercy of the cranks. On more or less controversial issues the
Corporation confines itself to what it regards as fair comment in the
context. On matters of taste it has to set itself a standard that will
be accepted by most rational people.

These are the principal factors influencing BBC policy. The
responsibility for enforcing it, since in normal times there are no
official censors, is very largely vested in producers themselves and
it is therefore of paramount importance that they should be aware both
of the Coroporation's general attitude towards the subject and of the
detailed rules which have been drawn up during some 25 years'
practical experience.

Producers are not asked to be narrow-minded in their approach to the
problem but they are required to recognise its importance and to err,
it at all, on the side of caution. Material about which a producer has
doubts should, if it cannot be submitted to someone in higher
authority, be deleted, and an artist's assurance that it has been
previously broadcast is no justification for repeating it. 'When in
doubt, take it out' is the wisest maxim.


Programmes must at all cost be kept free of crudities, coarseness and
innuendo. Humor must be clean and untainted directly or by association
with vulgarity and suggestiveness. Music hall, stage, and to a lesser
degree, screen standards, are not suitable to broadcasting. Producers,
artists and writers must recognise this fact and the strictest watch
must be kept. There can be no compromise with doubtful material. It
must be cut.

A. General. Well known vulgar jokes (e.g. the Brass Monkey) 'cleaned
up', are not normally admissible since the humour in such cases is
almost invariably evident only if the vulgar version is known.

There is an absolute ban upon the following:-

Jokes about -


Effeminacy in men

Immorality of any kind

Suggestive references to -

Honeymoon couples


Fig leaves


Ladies' underwear, e.g. winter draws on

Animal habits, e.g. rabbits


Commercial travellers

Extereme care should be taken in dealing with references to or jokes
about -

Pre-natal influences (e.g. 'His mother was frightened by a donkey')

Marital infidelity
Good taste and decency are the obvious governing considerations. The
vulgar use of such words as 'basket' must also be avoided.

B. Sophisticated Revue and Cabaret. A great deal of the material
performed elsewhere in these types of entertainment is just not
suitable to be broadcast. There can perhaps be a little more lattiude
in the editing of 'sophisticated' programmes which are billed and
generally identified as such but not sufficently for them to reflect
all the accepted characteristics of this kind of show. The fact is
that radio revue and carbaret must be tailored to the microphone in
much the same way as other programmes and deny itself may items
technically suitable which do not conform to established BBC


Advertising of any sort is not normally allowed and gratuitious
publicity for any commercial undertaking or product may not be given.
Occasionally, however, such references may be unavoidable where, for
instance, a commercial firm is sponsoring a public event, e.g. the
Star Dancing Championships, the Melody Maker Dance Band Contest. In
such cases mention of the sponsoring body must not go beyond the
proper courtesy and essential programme interest.

Otherwise mention of all firms, trade and proprietary names is barred.

N.B. The following trade names are now regarded as generic terms:-



The inclusion of any of these is therefore permitted in scripts but
derogatory references to them must be avoided as constituting a form
of 'trade slander'.

American material and 'Americanisms'

Various fairly obvious factors, such as American films and the fact
that much modern popular music originates in America, tend to exert a
transatlantic influence upon our programmes. American idiom and slang,
for instance, frequently find their way quite inappropriately into
scripts, and dance band singers for the most part elect to adopt
psuedo American accents. The BBC believes that this spurious
Americanisation of programmes - whether in the writing or in the
interpretation - is unwelcome to the great majority of listeners and
incidently, seldom complimentary to the Americans.

There is and always will be a place in programmes for authentic
American artistes and material but the BBC's primary job in light
entertainment must be to purvey programmes in our own native idiom,
dialects and accents. The 'Americanisation' of British scripts, acts
and performances is therefore most actively discouraged.

Libel and slander

Actionable references in Variety Programmes have been few since
broadcasting began. Producers must, however, take all possible steps
to ensure that defamtory material is not included in scripts. The
three most likely forms for it to take are:

(a) an uncomplimentary gag by one artist about a fellow artist or
other person.

(b) impersonations which may be taken as derogatory.

(c) the use in a fictional setting of a character identifiable with a
living person (particularly, of course, if the character is 'bad').

Consideration of taste are usually a safeguard against (a) and (b),
though the possibility of defamation makes caution on the producer's
part more than ever necessary. Against (c) there can be no complete
safeguard, but producers and writers must be scrupulously careful to
see that characters in plays and sketches are not given names of
living people whose circumstances are remotely similar to those in the
ficitional plot. In the case of title people reference books must be
consulted. In other cases all reasonable checks that are possible must
be made.

Biblcal references

This is by no means easy, so many biblical phrases having long since
passed into the language and being therefore for the most part
admissible in any context. The criterion should, generally speaking,
be whether a phrase or saying is still largely identifed with the
Bible. In that case it should not be used in a comedy setting - though
it may still be quite suitable for a programme of a more serious

Sayings of Christ or descriptive of Him are, of course, inadmissible
for light entertainment programmes.

Jokes built around Bible stories, e.g. Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel,
David and Goliath, must also be avoided or any sort of parody of them.
References to a few biblical characters e.g. Noah, are sometimes
permissible but, since there is seldom anything to be gained by them
and since they can engender much resentment they are best avoided

Religious references

Reference to and jokes about different religious or religious
denominations are banned. The following are also inadmissible:-

Jokes about A.D. or B.C. (e.g. 'before Crosby)

Jokes or comic songs about spirtualism, christenings, religious
ceremonies of any description (e.g. weddings, funerals)

Parodies of Christmas carols

Offensive references to Jews (or any other religious sects)

Political references

No precise general directive can be given since each individual case
needs to be considered on its merits and the performer, the manner of
delivery, and the context all need to be taken into account. General
guidance is however given in the following quotation from a directive
issued on 2nd July, 1948: 'We are not prepared in deference to
protests from one Party or another to deny ourselves legitimate
topical references to political figures and affairs, which
traditionally have been a source of comedians' material. We therefore
reserve the right for Variety programmes in moderation to take a crack
at the Government of the day and the Opposition so long as they do so
sensibly, without undue acidity, and above all funnily.

'Generally speaking, political issues should not be made the running
theme of any light entertainment programme or item, and references
should be no more than incidential. Occasionally, of course, a sketch
or comedy sequence based on, e.g. the National Health Service, is

'We must guard against the over-exploitation of songs with a political
theme. Usually these are MS numbers sung by comedians and are
legitmate enough for one or two performances when strictly topical,
but undesirable if "plugged" in many programmes.

'We must bar altogether:

(a) anything which we adjudge to go beyond fair comment in this sort
of context on a matter of general topical interest;

(b) anything that can be construed as personal abuse of Ministers,
Party Leaders, or M.P's, malicious references to them or references in
bad taste;
(c) anything which can reasonably be construed as derogatory to
policital insitutions, Acts of Parliament and the Constitution

(d) anything with a Party bias.

'To sum up, our approach to the whole subject should be good humoured,
un-partisan, and in good taste.'

Members of Parliament may not be included in programmes without
special permission. This permission will not be granted, whether or
not the M.P. concerned is willing, for programmes the BBC considers it
unsuitable or undignified for a Member of Parliament to appear.

Physical or mental infirmities

Very great distress can be caused to invalids and their relatives by
thoughtless jokes about any kind of physical disability. The
temptation to introduce them is the greater because in the milder
afflictions they often represent an easy source of comedy, but, as a
matter of taste, it must be resisted. The following are therefore

Jocular references to all forms of physical infirmity or disease, e.g.
blindness, deafness, loss of limbs, paralysis, cancer, consumption,

Jokes about war injuries of any description.

Jokes about the more embarrassing disabilities, e.g., bow-legs, cross-
eyes, stammering (this is the most common 'gag' subject of this kind).

Jokes about any form of mental deficiency.


References to and jokes about drink are allowed in strict moderation
so long as they can really be justified on entertainment grounds. Long
'drunk' stories or scenes should, however, be avoided and the number
of references in any one programme carefully watched. There is no
objection to the use of well-known drinking songs, e.g. 'Another
Little Drink', 'Little Brown Jug', in their proper contexts. Trade
slogans, e.g. 'Beer is Best', are barred. Remarks such as 'one for the
road' are also inadmissible on road safety grounds.


Generally speaking the use of expletives and forceful langugage on the
air can only be justified in a serious dramatic setting where the
action of the play demands them. They have no place at all in light
entertainment and all such words as God, Good God, My God, Blast,
Hell, Damn, Bloody, Gorblimey, Ruddy, etc., etc., should be deleted
from scripts and innocuous expressions substituted.

All impersonations need the permission of the people being
impersonated and producers must reassure themselves that this has been
given before allowing any to be broadcast.

Arists' repertories of impersonations are usually restricted to:-

(a) leading public figures and political figures;

(b) fellow artists.

As to (a) the Corporation's policy is against broadcasting
impersonations of elder statesmen, e.g. Winston Churchill, and leading
policital figures. Any others in this catagory should invariably be

As to (b) there is no objection, but certain artists have notified the
Corporation that no unauthorised impersonations may be broadcast. The
present list is given below but should be checked from time to time
with the Variety Booking Manager. A double check by producers as to
permission is advisable in these cases:-

Gracie Fields
Ethel Revnell (with or without Gracie West)
Renee Houston
Nat Mills and Bobbie
Vera Lynn
Jeanne de Casalis (Mrs. Feather)
Harry Hemsley

Very occasionaly the question arises of the impersonation of people
now dead. There is, of course, no possible objection to the portrayal
or caricature of historic figures of the remote past, but the
impersonation of people who have died within living memory or whose
relations may still be alive, should normally be avoided altogther. In
any event only exceptional cases will be considered and the permission
of surviving relations, if any, must always be obtained.

Mention of charitable organisations

Appeals for charity are normally confined to 'The Week's Good Cause'.
No such appeals are allowed, save in the most exceptional
circumstances, elsewhere in programmes. Veiled appeals in the form of
incidential references to charitable organisations are also barred.

Special permission must therefore invariably be sought for the mention
of a charity, whatever the context, in entertainment programmes.

'British' and 'English'

The misuse of the word English where British is correct causes much
needless offence to Scottish, Ulster and Welsh listeners. It is a
common error but one which is easily avoided by proper care on the
part of the writers and producers. At the same time we should not
hesitate to use the word 'English' if it is the proper description.

Popular Music

Virtually all newly published dance numbers are approved for
broadcasting by the Dance Music Policy Committee before publication,
and it is unnecessary to detail here policy considerations affecting
the acceptance of such material. Two matters, are, however, worth

(a) British Music

It is the Corporation's policy actively to encourage British music so
long as this does not lead to a lowering of accepted musical

(b) Jazzing the Classics

The jazzing by dance bands of classical tunes or the borrowing and
adaption of them is normally unacceptable. Any instances of this in MS
matertial submitted for programmes must be referred by producers to a
higher authority.

Miscellaneous points

Avoid derogatory references to:-

Professions, trades, and 'classes', e.g. solicitors, commerical
travellers, miners, 'the working class'

Coloured races

Avoid any jokes or references that might be taken to encourage:-

Strikes or industrial disputes

The Black Market

Spivs and drones

Avoid any references to 'The MacGillicuddy of the Reeks' or jokes
about his name.

Do not refer to Negroes as 'Niggers' ('Nigger Minstrels' is allowed).

'Warming up' sequences with studio audiences before broadcasts should
be conform to the same standards as the programmes themselves. Sample
recordings should be the subject to the same vigilance as

Special considerations for overseas broadcasts
Humour in other countries, as in our own, is limited by social,
political and religious taboos, and some sources of comedy legitimate
enough for this country are not acceptable abroad. The majority of
overseas audiences are not Christian by religion nor white in colour.
Disrespectful, let alone derogatory, references to Buddhists, Hindus,
Moslems, and so on, and any references to colour may therefore cause
deep offence and should be avoided altogether. It is impossible to
list in detail all potentially dangerous subjects but a few random
exmaples are given here:

Chinese abhor the description 'Chinamen', which should not be used.

Chinese laundry jokes may be offensive.

Jokes like 'enough to make a Maltese Cross' are of doubtful value.

The term Boer War should not be used - South African War is correct.

Jokes about 'harems' are offensive in some parts of the world.

15. Credits

In no particular order, an incomplete list of people who (unbeknown to
them) contributed material:

Bill Taylor (w...@math.canterbury.ac.nz)
Paul Martin (p...@nowster.demon.co.uk)
David Josephson <da...@josephson.com>
Hugh Garsden (hu...@parlo.ee.su.oz.au)
Marc Wiener (ma...@aip.org)
Derek Wills (o...@astro.as.utexas.edu)
Tony Quinn (tony...@sixpints.demon.co.uk)
and of course:
Spike, Peter, Harry, Eccles, Bluebottle and Neddie, ...

16. Eternal debate

Every news group needs at least one. We are no exception.

The questions is of course: ``What is the best Goon Show of them all?''

My answer is, by a narrow margin:
Dishonoured Again

Good night, Charlies everywhere

Ted Richards

May 1, 1994, 5:01:00 PM5/1/94
Russell Street (russ...@ccu1.auckland.ac.nz) wrote:

: ==========================
: Several books of scripts have been published by Mr Milligna:

: The Lost Goon Shows
: The Goon Show Scripts

There was also a "More Goon Show Scripts", with a foreword by H.R.H. The
Prince of Wales.

Ted Richards t...@isgtec.com [...!uunet.ca!isgtec!ted]
ISG Technologies Inc. 6509 Airport Rd., Mississauga Ont. Canada L4V 1S7

Duncan Gibson

May 1, 1994, 8:57:44 PM5/1/94
russ...@ccu1.auckland.ac.nz (Russell Street) writes:

>The alt.fan.goons YAQ file
>By Russell Street (r.st...@auckland.ac.nz)

Yay! Author! Author! Well done that man!

Now to throw some fish in the pot, so to speak. (Then speak it so!)

>4.1 Spike Milligan:

>Born Terence Alan Milligan on the 16th April 1918, in India.

>He wrote most of the Goon Shows, with help from others like Larry Stevens
>and Eric Skyes.

>He has written several autobiographies based on his war experiences:
>[alas I have misplaced the list -- must be buried somewhere ;)]

>Plus one of his families' history, plus a hell of a lot of other
>material, including ``The Bed Sitting Room'', which was turned into a
>film, many children's books, ``Puccoon''.

>His work after the Goons has included lots of children's stuff (like
>``Bad Jelly the Witch''), several TV series in the late 60s (Q4, Q8 etc).

Not to mention all his poetry books whose titles have also slipped my
mind. And, since we're talking poetry, William MacGonogall(sp?).

>4.3 Harry Secombe

_Sir_ Harry, thankyou. All round (:-)) singer and leek holding native of
Wales. Numerous albums for those with musical tastes akin to the Queen's.

>4.4 Micheal Bentine

>Was a member of the Goon Show in the early days -- for the first two
>seasons, then went his seperate ways. His material is not exactly
>Goonish, but quite Goonlike.

Micheal Bentine's Potty Time! Slightly bizarre puppet show deserves a
mention as do his quite serious (and sometimes depressing) books.
Like... "The Summer of Open Doors" or something like that (yea^H^H^H
decade since I read it). And "The Shy Person's Guide to Life".

>6. Books

>**THE** book on the Goon Show is

> The Goon Show Companion
> By Roger Wilmut
> Published by Robson Books in the UK.
>Another good book is
> The Story of the Goons
>Several books of scripts have been published by Mr Milligna:
> The Lost Goon Shows
> The Goon Show Scripts

"More Goon Show Scripts". (Same design on the cover as the first, just a
different colour and "More" sketched in. Oh, and the inside is pretty
different too. :-) )

>7. The Catchphrases

>You wrotten swine, you deaded me: Said by Bluebottle just after he had been
><bang>. Followed by ``I shan't play this wrotten game no more. Exits left
>with lugging lughole and shattered shins'' etc.

Also Bluebottles "lines". 'Enter Bluebottle, waits for applause, as
usual not a sausage.' or 'Strikes herioc pose, pants fall down spoiling
effect.' Don't know how well these qualify, but they're ones I use
repeatedly in common speech.

"He's fallen in the water!" (Its Little Jim!)

More fish when that lot boils down.


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