Does this belong to Spike?
Darren Paul Jones
Hello. This story turned up on alt.folklore.urban and I thought, hang
on, isn't this based on a favourite Spike Milligan anecdote? Can anyone
confirm my fuzzy memory so that I can put the matter straight? Any
printed reference would be useful for evidence also (they are a very
thorough bunch!). Thanks...
"TRUE STORY AND A GOOD LAUGH...
Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy lives in
Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he
has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also
goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage. Finally,
one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage
to ask her out. She accepts,
and they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy
goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming
back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through
twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After
several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still
running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the
date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again. So they meet
in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute
ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the
appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers
without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.
They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another
rumbling, but doesn't want to look like complete bathroom freak, so he
holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a
bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right
there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little
bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and
feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero
immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this
surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert,
trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell,
or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner
and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way,he is walking like a
cowboy._ On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap. "Do you
mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he
asks. "No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go
into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right,
women's fashions are on the left. They split up. Our hero grabs the
first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After
selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he
bringsboth items to the register. His eyes are on his date(still on the
other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying
the pants.
He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth
(just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away)
"Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl. "Just the pants!" (Eyes
still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK."
He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the
store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find
two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero
excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He
gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his
pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out
the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls
out ... just the sweater."
As I remember it, the original continued with the guy coming out of the
toilet wearing the jumper as trousers and covering the neck-hole with a
bowler hat.
--
Darren Paul Jones
Steve Caskey
> Hello. This story turned up on alt.folklore.urban and I thought, hang
> on, isn't this based on a favourite Spike Milligan anecdote? Can anyone
> confirm my fuzzy memory so that I can put the matter straight? Any
> printed reference would be useful for evidence also (they are a very
> thorough bunch!). Thanks...
Yes, we are. You're not the only denizen of AFU here.
> "TRUE STORY AND A GOOD LAUGH...
And as any AFUista will tell you, that opening line's a dead giveaway.
> Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy lives in
And so's this one. Enough o' dat...
> [snip story]
> the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls
> out ... just the sweater."
>
> As I remember it, the original continued with the guy coming out of the
> toilet wearing the jumper as trousers and covering the neck-hole with a
> bowler hat.
Darren, I hope you've shared your recollection of the story as described in
that last paragraph with AFU as well. It's a neat twist I've never seen
before; usually the story ends with the humiliation of being stuck in the
train toilet without a full set of clothes.
As to whether Milligoon has ever recounted this tail, I cannot say, though
the non-standard denouement could so easily be his. I do know that Billy
Connolly has told the more traditional version.
Spike _has_ passed on a number of stories of urbanly mythical import, some
of which date back to the old music hall days of touring performers. For
example, a few years ago I posted to a.f.g the following, which may or may
not be in Russell Street's YAQ. In _Peace Work_ (I think), the seventh
volume of his war autobiographics, he attributes this tale to just such an
old trouper.
<<<<<<<<
In "I Was Monty's Treble" (second of ninth series, broadcast 10 November
1958) Bluebottle's opening lines are as follows:
Message for you. I will read it. From Mrs Gladys Roonge, 45
Sebastopol Terrace, Scunthorpe.
Sir,
Reference the room you had here during the pantomime season. Well, we
know what it is. We know who done it. But for heavens' sake tell us
where it is.
For those of you who don't know the story, this is the "punch line" to a
joke/urban legend about (in the version I heard) a guest at the large
country estate of some prominent and/or wealthy peer of the realm or
similar. Arriving late, he goes almost immediately to bed. Waking later
in the night he realises that (1) he urgently needs to take a shit, (2) he
has no idea where the toilets are in the huge residence, and (3) there is
no chamber pot under the bed. He hunts desperately for the WC, to no
avail. The doors are locked. Finally, in desperation, he craps in a huge
ornamental pot plant holder, replacing the plant over the motion. The
following morning, he makes an excuse and leaves. He thinks he has got
away with his faux pas, until a telegram arrives...
>>>>>>>>
Such is the nature of the urban legend, however, that it's not really
reasonable to say "isn't this based on a favourite Spike Milligan
anecdote?" The twist in the ending that Darren recalls may be Milligan, but
the origin of the story is almost certainly lost.
Steve Caskey
--
Just another mindless public servant at the Ministry of Education
"If you want to go to sleep,
get a New Zealander to read to you." -- Katherine Mansfield
See the alt.folklore.urban FAQ and archive at http://www.urbanlegends.com
Darren Paul Jones
>> As I remember it, the original continued with the guy coming out of the
>> toilet wearing the jumper as trousers and covering the neck-hole with a
>> bowler hat.
>
>Darren, I hope you've shared your recollection of the story as described in
>that last paragraph with AFU as well. It's a neat twist I've never seen
>before; usually the story ends with the humiliation of being stuck in the
>train toilet without a full set of clothes.
Yes, I put this ending on AFU. Also, I'm not sure if the date element
was in the version I dimly remember (A bowler hat on a date?).
>
>As to whether Milligoon has ever recounted this tail, I cannot say, though
>the non-standard denouement could so easily be his. I do know that Billy
>Connolly has told the more traditional version.
It was only a vague recollection and it's possible I might have got my
source mixed up - if so I humbly apologise to all here. Connolly is (or
at least used to be) a funny bloke, but Spike is a genius.
>
>Such is the nature of the urban legend, however, that it's not really
>reasonable to say "isn't this based on a favourite Spike Milligan
>anecdote?" The twist in the ending that Darren recalls may be Milligan, but
>the origin of the story is almost certainly lost.
>
I agree it would've been enough to say, sorry mate this story was a joke
at least 10 years ago so it definitely isn't new. But I was hoping
somebody might know the version I remembered and could fill in the rest
of it. Just trying to be thorough!
Regards
--
Darren Paul Jones
Darren Paul Jones
>Yes - I remember milligan telling the original and undoctored story on
>parkinson (probably about 20 yrs ago) and I think it was about jack
>hobbs and was set in london. milligan was pissing himself with laughter
>(as was I) and poor old parkie was crippled with it and had tears
>running down his face. I think that probably the funniest thing about it
>was that this guy got off the a train wearing a pink cashmere cardigan
>with his legs in the arms and a bowler hat tucked in the neck hole and
>................nobody commented on it.
>
I knew it!
Thank you Spike, I thought my memory was going out the window there for
a minute. It speaks volumes for Milligoon that we still remember it at
all after 20 years. When he laughs at his own jokes, it isn't in the
fake way of most comedians. He just can't help it. It's one of the
things that really endears him to you.
Was the rest of the story as the version I posted, with the date etc? If
it was, how did he manage to get the bowler hat into it ?!
Thanks again.
--
Darren Paul Jones
Dave Yost
> >Yes - I remember milligan telling the original and undoctored story on
> >parkinson (probably about 20 yrs ago) and I think it was about jack
> >hobbs and was set in london. milligan was pissing himself with laughter
> >(as was I) and poor old parkie was crippled with it and had tears
> >running down his face.
Does anyone have a tape of this?
> >I think that probably the funniest thing about it
> >was that this guy got off the a train wearing a pink cashmere cardigan
> >with his legs in the arms and a bowler hat tucked in the neck hole and
> >................nobody commented on it.
> >
> I knew it!
>
> Thank you Spike, I thought my memory was going out the window there for
> a minute. It speaks volumes for Milligoon that we still remember it at
> all after 20 years. When he laughs at his own jokes, it isn't in the
> fake way of most comedians. He just can't help it. It's one of the
> things that really endears him to you.
He gets a bit giddy at times while reading for his books on tape. In either "Goodbye, Soldier" or "Peace Work" (can't remember which) at one point after laughing at what he's reading, he says something like "I can't believe I did this!"
When I met him once, I told him how great I thought it was that they left that stuff in, and he said something to the effect that he wanted it that way so it retained the feeling of a real person reading to you.
Dave Yost
James R. Hedrick
<da...@NOSPAMdazj.demon.co.uk> wrote:
>
>>Yes - I remember milligan telling the original and undoctored story on
>>parkinson (probably about 20 yrs ago) and I think it was about jack
>>hobbs and was set in london. milligan was pissing himself with laughter
>>(as was I) and poor old parkie was crippled with it and had tears
>>running down his face. I think that probably the funniest thing about it
>>was that this guy got off the a train wearing a pink cashmere cardigan
>>with his legs in the arms and a bowler hat tucked in the neck hole and
>>................nobody commented on it.
>>
>I knew it!
>
>Thank you Spike, I thought my memory was going out the window there for
>a minute. It speaks volumes for Milligoon that we still remember it at
>all after 20 years. When he laughs at his own jokes, it isn't in the
>fake way of most comedians. He just can't help it. It's one of the
>things that really endears him to you.
>
>Was the rest of the story as the version I posted, with the date etc? If
>it was, how did he manage to get the bowler hat into it ?!
>
>Thanks again.
I was living in Old Blighty at the time and clearly remember the show.
The set up was that the man worked in "the city" and had an intestinal
bug. He then made the mistake of sneezing. Spike also demonstrated
what happen to the trousers as they hit a workman square in the face.
The memory stills causes roflol.
Jim Hedrick
Spike
and had the shits and decided to go home, but half way to the station he
suffered a spasm and shat himself (he is wearing a suit, tie and hat)
and it honks. He sticks his head round door of a shop and asks the
assistant to get him some dark trousers and leave it on the counter
while he stays outside wafting the whiff away - gives her the money. 5
mins later he sticks his head round door again grabs the parcel and legs
it to the station, gets on the train (Goddalming? or somewhere) and
bolts for the toilet. He gets out of the soiled shreddies and trousers
and chucks them out of the now moving train window and rips open the
package to reveal a ladies pink cashmere cardigan. He thinks quickly and
buttons up the cardie and puts his legs down the arms and pulls it up
under his jacket, but is faces with the problem of his wedding tackle
hanging out of the neck hole so he tucks his hat brim into the hole and
strolls off the train like this when he reaches his destination -
jacket, tie, brolly, briefcase, black shoes and socks and pink cardigan
with hat tucked in. Because this is britain nobody comments except for
the porter tipping his hat and saying "morning Mr Hobbs, sir".
Milligan swore it was a true story, I think Hobbs was his publisher at
the time and this must have been around the late 1970s.
Pleased to have helped.
Cheers
--
"I feel like a square in a hole full of round pegs"
Peter Jamieson
<Bro...@nospamyebuggars.bigfoot.com> writes
>Yes - I remember milligan telling the original and undoctored story on
>parkinson (probably about 20 yrs ago) and I think it was about jack
>hobbs and was set in london. milligan was pissing himself with laughter
>(as was I) and poor old parkie was crippled with it and had tears
>running down his face. I think that probably the funniest thing about it
>was that this guy got off the a train wearing a pink cashmere cardigan
>with his legs in the arms and a bowler hat tucked in the neck hole and
>................nobody commented on it.
>
again. I'm pretty sure that as Jack Hobbs approached the ticket barrier
at the station the collector said, 'Hello sir. Been on holiday?'
This is what we want.
'How's yer old dad, then?'
Peter Jamieson
Dumfries
SCOTLAND
Julian S Visch
Green? Its mine I tell you mine was green!