Goon show one-liners
J R Partington
Additions to this collection welcomed. Preferably by E-mail.
Strikes heroic pose, but unstrikes it when trousers fall down.
Duck, there's a cannonball coming! Right, I'll see you after the ball is over.
Eccles, you're not a woman!
Yes, but why are you wearing it on your head?
Quick Moriarty, cover the soap dish!
He's fallen in the water!
Stop this wicked sinful modern rhythm-type music.
As I swam ashore, I dried myself to save time.
You sit here, Henry, and I'll drive the house round.
Shut up Eccles!
Waits for audience applause not a sausage.
Thinks: not a very big part for bluebottle this week.
Waaaaaah!!!! I've been deaded again!!!
Waves sword made from a piece of string.
Ying tong iddle I po!
Please, don't do that.
Ooo mate, I been sponned.
Stand to cardboard attention!!
April in Paris, we've found a Charlie...
You gotta go "owwwwwww".
I talk to the trees, that's why they put me away...
Ooooooooowwwwwwww!!!!
The singer was a tall ragged idiot.
'ere, you're not up to that game again are you?
Put the brake on Min. It doesn't suit me Henry.
Henry! There's nobody knocking at the door. Oh, I'd better not answer it then Mi
n, you never know who it might not be.
I'm looking for a criminal. Find your own, it took me ages to get this lot!
But Neddy, one hot summer and the English Channel would become a fire-trap!
Just a minute, I'm changing my knees.
This is the BBC, and jolly good value it is too.
Welcome to the highly steamed Goon Show!
Welcome to the all leather Goon Show!
Quick, stand on my shoulders and pull me up.
Here, take this photograph of a four pound note.
Now bury it ten feet above the ground.
A penny? Riches! Pack the jam tins Moriarty, let's live!
You can't get the wood anymore.
Allow me Moriarty, I have the teeth.
Gentlemen, need he say more?
As he's not riding side-saddle I'll assume he's a male flea.
Ellington, how did you ever get into the Highland regiment? I lied about my age.
--
| Dr Jonathan R. Partington, Tel: UK: (0532) 335123. Int: +44 532 335123. |
| School of Mathematics, Fax: UK: (0532) 429925. Int: +44 532 429925. |
| University of Leeds, Email: pmt...@leeds.ac.uk (or @uk.ac.leeds) |
| Leeds LS2 9JT, U.K. |
hbj Henry Brugsch
>And now for our glorious national anthem.
Yes, and before the band breaks into songe, I'm off to the
land of songe! so no flames, please!!!!! (inspects seat of
trousers critically looking for handy bucket, or running
tap. (which way did it go!))
(an anouncement)) "The canteen is now open. Doctors are
standing bye!"
>
>
"it's good to be alive in 1985!">
(now where did I put that signature file. "owwwwww, my hand
hurts!!!"
Now to file a few signatures.
--
Henry Brugsch
aka hbj elsewhere, CIS: 75366.317.com
H...@bix.com
if you want a piano tuned at reasonable rates
(44)(562)820090.
The freedom of information is a right not a privilege.
this is my attempt to combine verbal space, cyber
space, and civic space.
Paul Martin
>
>Additions to this collection welcomed. Preferably by E-mail.
>
>Strikes heroic pose, but unstrikes it when trousers fall down.
>Duck, there's a cannonball coming! Right, I'll see you after the ball is over.
Don't you GROAN at me! (Not a Goon quote, but JRP1 will understand.)
Waits for audience applause... not a sausinge.
My name is Neddie Seagoon MT MT and MT. What's the MTs for? I get
thrupence back on each of them.
What's your hand, Bottle? I've got four fingers and a thumb.
You lousy rotten swine!
Have a gorilla. No thanks -- I'm trying to give them up.
I was sleeping in the key of A flat.
He's in Africa? Well, in that case we've got him cornered.
Good bye, Redbottle.
And this is where the story really starts.
You can't park that here, mate!
It was breakfast time at Beaulieu Manor, and I was standing at the
window looking in.
It was hell in there!
My name is Neddie Seagoon. What a memory you have!
It's all lies, I tell you!
I'm looking for a criminal. That's one make we haven't got.
We'll all be murdered in our beds!
Henry! The cat wants to go out. How do you know? He's put his hat and
coat on.
And now for our glorious national anthem.
--
Paul Martin
p...@nowster.demon.co.uk
...!uunet!demon!nowster!pm
Jeffrey Watkins
(Well it sounds like Bloodknock!)
Thinks, I can't think of a thinks. End thinks routine.
I've.. I've.. I've deaded him. I'll have to tell his mother.
That should cheer her up.
Do you want to join us? Why? Are you coming apart?
I'm drowning in the dreded drowning type water! I'll never
eat potatos again! Thinks - I'm drowning, so that's why I'll
eat potatos again.
'Ello mate.
HHHHEEEEEEELLLLLLLLP! - Neddy is always wanting it.
OOOOOHHHHHH, a Charlie.
Whatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhat? Please,
don't do that.
Take those noisy boots off! OK - thump - thump. That's better...
Thump. I didn't know he had three legs Henry. He hasn't, he has
a one legged friend.
You're a sailor, and sailors don't care! OOOOOHHHH!
My name's Ned Seagoon - WEEEEEEAAAAAAAA BOOM! Curse.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff WATKINS | "I talk to the trees,
Curtin Student | That's why they put me
"Self-appointed Creative thinking Expert." | away." - Eccles
and all round Weird Guy. | "Shut up Eccles!"
| - Everyone else
watk...@cs.curtin.edu.au |
*********************************************************************
Leith M F
[Door knock] It's a lie I tell you, we're just good friends!
Seagoon, something big's just come up. What? You.
Are you a green-grocer? No, more of a dirty yellow colour.
Sorry I'm late, but the flimb of the flomb succumbed to the nib of the plume.
Now, which one of these fish bones is you? I'm the one with hairs on.
That night I lay awake in my air-conditioned dustbin, thinking..
We're looking for someone who's very clever with his hands. Not necessarily,
some men are pretty clever with their feet!
Your piece of string doesn't scare me! Oh yeah? Well just you wait till I
tie a knot in it then!
Search America and look under the bed!
Checklist : One long bent thing with a sort of lump on the end, one
waterproof cover for same, one leather trilby with sugar feather.
Mig.
Robert Slade
help me get this floor back under the carpet! Unnnnh!
Jeffrey Watkins
<extra bits here>
>Sorry I'm late, but the flimb of the flomb succumbed to the nib of the plume.
<other bits here>
>Mig.
>
You're late. I'm sorry, my legs were slow.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff WATKINS | "I talk to the trees,
Curtin Student | That's why they put me
"Self-appointed Creative thinking Expert." | away." - Eccles
and all round Weird Guy. | "Shut up Eccles!"
|_________________________
W.A. - Australia | Project - Creative
watk...@marsh.cs.curtin.edu.au | Thought.
*********************************************************************
Tim Poston
: Sorry I'm late, but the flimb of the flomb succumbed to the nib of the plume.
A likely story.
___________________________________________________________________
Tim Poston Institute of Systems Science, Nat. Univ. of Singapore
sig = +--- (time is positive)
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Simon Wright
GT to Seagoon
I assume by your bearing, your dress and your manner that you are and
uncultured ilt. (not sure about this last word).
Seagoon and Bloodnok
I've never been so insulted in all my life.
Come now, with a face like that you must have been.
Valentine Dial
Eccles, how dare you get out of bed after I tucked you in and battered you
unconcious for the night.
Seagoon
Look! Whats that thing of fragile grace and beauty ? Its the Albert Memorial !
Bloodnok
Better put these iron girders in the safe. There's been a lot of petty
pilfering lately.
Seagoon
For days we hacked our way through the dense jungle that ran alongside the
arterial road.
Simon
Paul Martin
>Valentine Dial
That's what you find on the front of a heart shaped telephone.
The name you want is Valentine "The Man in Black" Dyall.
Jeffrey Watkins
ride free on buses.
Here, have one of my monkeys, they're milder.
Her', don't mines go bang? Of course not Blue Bottle. I knew it was safe.
Moves forward to mine. grabs hold, very gently.
He he. I knew it was safe. I did na balieve you at firs', but now I know
that it is....BOOOOOOOOM!
I didn't get deaded this week!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff WATKINS | "I talk to the trees,
Curtin Student | That's why they put me
"Self-appointed Creative thinking Expert." | away." - Eccles
and all round Weird Guy. | "Shut up Eccles!"
Adam Summers
[The Stautue of Nelson].. 'was over 7ft, whuch gave him the appearance of
being quite tall...'
--
Adam Summers
c932...@alinga.newcastle.edu.au
asum...@freenet.scri.fsi.edu
<Insert Signature Here>
Tim Poston
: Valentine Dial
: Eccles, how dare you get out of bed after I tucked you in and battered you
: unconcious for the night.
The Goon Show Scripts spell it "Valentine Dyall",
but Seagoon would of course spell it "eye tee".
Tim
DAVID BROMAGE
>Chase those women out of here, tear up those revolting postcards, and
>help me get this floor back under the carpet! Unnnnh!
Bloodnok: Aggghhhhh! Turn down one of those women and put some more ice on
the fire.
Leith M F
"Now Neddy, warm yourself with this woman, she's just coming to the boil"
[sound of kettle boiling and whistling]
"Major Bloodnok, it's time for your afternoon perversion."
"At this point the script was heavily censored, so we leave it to the
listeners to imagine what happened next." [Long pause] "You filthy
swine Seagoon, get back to your own bedroom!"
Berry Kercheval
In article <14...@sersun1.essex.ac.uk> le...@sol41.essex.ac.uk (Leith M F) writes:
Neddy: knock knock
Sultry Female: Yes, what is it?
Neddy: I'm sorry to knock you up so late...
SF: They all say that!
Neddy: Well, erm, I'm afraid you'll have to be evacuated.
SF: Oh!
<howls of laughter. This "oh" is one of the most wonderfully
suggestive syllables I've ever heard">
SF: Well, why don't you come in while I pack a few things?
Neddy: Aa-aa-aa-
Greenslade:
Leith> "At this point the script was heavily censored, so we leave
Leith> it to the listeners to imagine what happened next." [Long
Leith> pause] "You filthy swine Seagoon, get back to your own
Leith> bedroom!"
--
Berry Kercheval :: ke...@parc.xerox.com
Russell Street
>"Now Neddy, warm yourself with this woman, she's just coming to the boil"
>[sound of kettle boiling and whistling]
"Singes, put my wife in the fridge and my pyjamas in the oven"
On a slightly cleaner note:
Seagoon: I left the building with my head held high and my feet held
even higher.
Bloodnok: In that position we threw him out. Here is a recording:
grams: speed up recording of the act -- long
Bloodnok: You filthy swine!
and (from the same show)
Wal: All night they poured over the plans. Sometimes they poured on
the floor, sometimes in the glass, but mostly they poured over the
plans.
Spike: (army idiot) Gentlemen, I believe these gin soaked plans of a
secret German weapon are in fact the *brandy* soaked plans of a secret
German weapon.
Russell
(not quite gin or brandy soaked -- well not *yet*. Neither am I a
secret weapon)
Nigel Kernick
> uncultured ilt. (not sure about this last word).
I think you'll find it's OAF.
Nigel Kernick.
hbj Henry Brugsch
>Seagoon: I left the building with my head held high and my feet held
> even higher.
>Bloodnok: In that position we threw him out. Here is a recording:
>grams: speed up recording of the act -- long
>Bloodnok: You filthy swine!
>
>and (from the same show)
>
>Wal: All night they poured over the plans. Sometimes they poured on
>the floor, sometimes in the glass, but mostly they poured over the
>plans.
>
>Spike: (army idiot) Gentlemen, I believe these gin soaked plans of a
>secret German weapon are in fact the *brandy* soaked plans of a secret
>German weapon.
"only one thing to do! We'll have to drink our way out!!"
Paul Martin
Report to the M.O.
Eccles: Can I come too?
Bottle: It's about time you came to!
[Both from "Dishonoured"]