Where are all the republicans hiding? ;-)
Loz Pycock
has mentioned the news event of the weekend...
<forwarded from somewhere else>
>LONDON. 30/03/2002
>The British government has announced the death in combat of Elizabeth Bowes
>Lyon, mother of Her Majesty the Queen and crack commando in The War Against
>Terrorism. Bowes Lyon had been in the forefront of the battle in the remote
>Ooga Booga mountains of Afghanistan when she died in controversial
>circumstances. The official wall of silence was finally broken by a
>Pentagon spokesman who admitted that 'a M1287-B Raghead seeking missile'
>had 'undergone a sudden decomfractitude' and impacted on the mother of the
>present sovereign. The US military cannot explain the incident, but did
>stress the difficulty of distinguishing between 'one privileged
>multimillionaire who hasn't been seen since late last year and another'. A
>number of servants were also killed in the alcohol-fueled conflagration
>which could be seen from Karachi.
>A LIFE OF ACTION
>Bowes Lyon had a long and distinguished military career, mostly undertaken
>in secrecy and flowing chintz with matching hats. She was responsible for
>the surrender of the South African Boers in 1902 and personally escorted
>the Kaiser into exile in 1918. With peace she sought new challenges,
>beginning a career as a stunt Zeppelin pilot between the wars. This skill
>came in useful when leading the RAF's thousand bomber raid on Hamburg in
>1943. Bowes Lyon had sworn to destroy Hitler after an exploding V2 slightly
>chipped a Ming vase belonging to Queen Mary.
>Postwar, she settled down into retirement, but continued to undertake
>hazardous missions, including the siege of the Iranian embassy. It can now
>be revealed that Bowes Lyon led the assault on the terrorists; knocking on
>the door and calling out 'Cooee! I just popped over for some tonic water'
>before shooting three men dead.
>Bowes Lyon was commander in chief of approximately half of the British
>Army's regiments. Her death leaves a considerable gap in the organisation.
>'Finding someone with the appropriate right-wing, out-dated views at short
>notice is going to be tricky,' admitted the MoD, 'but we understand Jim
>Davidson is leaving 'The Generation Game'.
>A NATION IN SHOCK
>Already the death of Bowes Lyon has led to the calls for Martyrs Brigades.
>Hundreds of elderly women in ill-fitting, drip dry clothes are gathering in
>London professing to be willing to follow their leader to Paradise. Mrs
>Edith Deathwatchbeetle spoke for many when she gave an oath to go on and on
>about The Blitz until her family put her in a home. Police are already
>reporting outbreaks of powdered egg recollection in retirement homes across
>the South East.
>The Royal Jubilee was already looking like a bit of a non-event with the
>death of Princess Margaret and the World Cup, this can only add to the
>strain. However special black bunting is already being imported and the
>government is expected to issue compulsory street party cards within a week.
>The recent influx of immigrants through the Channel Tunnel has been
>reversed as millions of Britons make a desperate break for a country where
>they can't understand the news. Eurotunnel is so busy that it is having to
>fit turnstiles to the Folkstone end of the Channel Tunnel.
>Following a vote in Cabinet, the ITV woolly monkey has been made the
>official loveable symbol of Britain. The monkey will have the same birthday
>as the late Queen Mother which means that the news will have something to
>report in August. No place was found for Johnny Vegas who will remain as
>John Prescott's stunt double.
>Amongst the sadness, faith provides some comfort; workers are quietly
>praying that the funeral will get them half a day off work.
>'SHOCKED'
>Naturally politicians can't keep their mouths shut at a time like this.
>President Tony Blair made the following dignified, yet strangely trite
>statement. 'She was in a very real sense the nation's Queen Mother and it
>is her lasting testament that the nation follows in her footsteps. Today,
>the average Briton drinks more, gambles more and owes more than ever before
>- - this is how we should remember her.' Pausing to make a very photogenic
>swallow, Blair continued, 'we should remember that without the Queen Mother
>there would be no peace in the Middle East, which is why I say to Prime
>Minister Sharon and Chairman Arafat - what would Elizabeth Bowes Lyon do?
>'As part of the nation's commemoration of a dearly departed royal I am
>proud to announce that the War Against Terror has been re branded as the
>Queen Mother Memorial Thermonuclear Holocaust - there could be no fitter
>way of remembering her contribution to public life than a few thousand dead
>Iraqis.'
>Blair mustered the nation, 'we are British and there is nothing the British
>do better than self-indulgent synthetic grief.' Already informed
>commentators are speculating that Britain could reclaim the title of most
>self-pitying country in the World. Their hold on the title was only
>reinforced with the death of Diana, Princess of Wales, but it was awarded
>to the Americans following the events of September 11th. It is hoped that
>sufficient footage of weeping children could snatch the title, but the
>Americans are expected to hold on after announcing that a white kitten, Mr
>Sniggles, was killed in the collapse of the World Trade Center.
>Iain Duncan Wossisname, leader of the Conservative Party was 'shocked'.
>Speaking from his top secret lair under Smith Square he said 'This is a
>bolt from the blue! How many of us expect a hundred and one year old lady
>to just drop dead? This is clearly the fault of Steven Byers and the
>incompetence of the present government.'
>Crowds gathered outside the home of Margaret Thatcher. After her
>announcement that she was giving up speaking on health grounds, thousands
>were hoping for her to say a few words. 'We live in hope,' was a common
>sentiment.
>WORLD RESPONSE
>The sadness has spread from Britain. President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe
>has already said that his days of being a fascistic tyrant are over. 'I
>will devote my life to big flowery hats and strong liquor' he told his
>ruined nation. African leaders are hopeful that Mugabe could reinvent
>himself as a much-loved national figure despite his past: it worked for the
>Queen Mother.
>In America, President George Bush gave up trying to do up his tie to
>declare, 'I was choked when I heard the news, but that was just a pretzel.
>America has no truer friend than Tony Blair and we share the grief of
>Englandistanis everywhere. I am therefore pleased to say that we will be
>commemorating a great figure when we unveil the Fylingdales Queen Mother
>Memorial X-Band Radar Death Ray Missile Intercept Station.' Americans
>formed long queues to sign books of remembrance
>'DELIGHTED'
>'This is fabulous news,' said the head of BBC programming. 'Just yesterday
>I saw we had fuck all on over the bank holiday weekend and I knew I'd have
>to resign. Now this - naturally we're delighted.' Also 'delighted' was
>Jenny Bond, royal correspondent who had been missing from the air for some
>time. Royal Correspondent Watchers say that Jenny will be unmissable for
>the next few months, 'no matter how hard you try.'
>As always in times of crisis the nation turns to the BBC and the
>corporation is keen to show its commitment to serious, informed journalism.
>'We have Dale Winton, Barbara Windsor, Vanessa Feltz and the tall one off
>'Birds of a Feather'' confided the head of BBC1. 'Trust me, Diana's do was
>nothing compared to this!'
>The mournathon kicked off within moments of the official announcement from
>Buckingham Palace as the BBC weather presenters wowed the nation with a
>heartfelt rendition of Mozart's Requiem. Donations to the fund to pay off
>the Queen Mother's overdraft have soared in the last few hours. The BBC is
>showing the mournathon on all channels until everyone has at least given a
>tenner. The name of the show remains controversial with some commentators
>saying that 'The Queen Mum on Ice' is in poor taste.
>Media commentators are less sure of the prospects, pointing out that the
>BBC's recent coverage of Princess Margaret was not a ratings winner. The
>BBC remains bullish, 'This is the big one!' squealed a factual programming
>editor, 'I smell BAFTAs all round for this one. Especially if we can get
>pictures of one of them crying.' Sky is quietly confident that its
>multi-angle digital coverage will attract loyal audiences, whilst Channel 5
>will have a film with Chuck Norris.
>NEWSPAPERS
>Tomorrow's Mirror has been printed in black ink on black paper. When asked
>if this will cause some readability problems the editor said, 'Most of our
>buyers can't read and those that can wouldn't be able to read the words
>through their tears.' The Murdoch papers have gone big on the story with
>the Sunday Times coming in 17 volumes, a glossy coffee table book, CD-ROM
>and commemorative 'Innovations' catalogue. Naturally the Mail is open about
>its feelings with the headline 'WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO LIVE FOR?'. The paper
>is also running a competition to win a cloned Queen Mother.
Loz
"11/09- Taking his time, George W. Bush formulates a measured
response - which turns out to be the most expensive bollocking
ever unleashed against shepherds." Chris Morris
Is there another word for synonym?
Jamie
otmail.SPAMBEGONE.com> writes
>>Following a vote in Cabinet, the ITV woolly monkey has been made the
>>official loveable symbol of Britain.
I thought it already was.
Mind you the company it advertised died recently as well.
Amusing though the post was, I think it undoes itself, as
it was by far the most about the death of the old dear on any
medium that I have endured.
No Mark and Lard amusement because it's body shifting day.
Sheesh. I think we should do away with the monarchy on these
grounds alone.
--
Jamie
Loz Pycock
<jay...@hornbeam.demon.co.uk> mumble, "oooh, shiny new computer!"
mumble, mumble wrote:
Yes, I was disappointed when 11/09 wasn't made the subject of Son of
Cheesily... 'Down Down' by Status Quo?
Loz Pycock
>http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/flashcandle.php
>A NATION IN CRISIS WHILE THE PLANET SLOWLY MOURNS
>The entire British nation joined with all the peoples of the world today,
>uncontrollably weeping in shock at the passing of "possibly the greatest
>most wondrous person ever to have walked on God's good Earth, Her Majesty
>Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother."
>Speaking by live media broadcast on all television and radio channels, Tony
>Blair, dressed in a sombre suit accompanied by several dozen black armbands
>strategically placed over every part of his face and body, tearfully
>addressed the nation - and the world. "A great light has gone out in all our
>lives. This is without doubt, the greatest tragedy to befall this country
>since the Black Death, the Great Fire and the First World War all rolled
>into one. How could this have happened to a lady of only 101, taken in the
>prime of her life? We are in National Crisis!" he bawled, sobbing like a
>baby.
>As his words travelled around the world, soldiers set down their weapons,
>terrorists abandoned their car-bombs, and military dictators turned away
>from their bloody coups as the enormity of the global loss slowly began to
>sink in.
>In Afghanistan, the Brains Trust talked to Razmullah Khan who had stopped
>work digging his family out of the rubble from the recent earthquake to
>organise a whip-round. "It was the least I could do" he explained. "It would
>have felt disrespectful if we couldn't at least send a bunch of flowers," he
>added as he dug the body of his three year old daughter from the wreckage of
>what had once been his home.
>Within Ramallah, Israeli and Palestinian fighters linked arms and sang a
>chorus of Rule Britannia for the BBC cameras. "It is important to mark this
>sad farewell with a gesture of solidarity with the British people," claimed
>Yusuf Kamil, a Palestinian resident. "We can only guess at the suffering of
>the British people and the huge damage that has been inflicted on their
>country," he lamented, adding "Incoming!" as a shell whistled by, landing a
>few feet away from him. "It is nothing," he claimed, as he was stretchered
>away clutching his severed leg to his chest and singing "Land of Hope and
>Glory".
>All over the world these ceremonies were repeated with weeping widows and
>orphans, and peasants and lepers "crying for the sake of the world."
>The people of Britain themselves responding "like lions" to the "baleful
>news" were fulsome in their tributes. Speaking to the Brains Trust, Derek
>Gadd of Bolton said "that wise wonderful old lady, known the world over for
>her enormous wealth, several palaces and the immense good fortune of being
>born so enormously posh. A wonder to behold."
>Commenting further on the news, Mark Robertson of Glasgow reported that "she
>was "oh so brave" in the Second World War. "People should never forget the
>way she sheltered in London during the Blitz, her only comfort the 30 foot
>steel reinforced bunker underneath Buckingham Palace that she hid in so
>courageously."
>Frequent royal friend Lord Hugo of Hackenbush, too tearful to speak to the
>Brains Trust, until we told him the size of his fee, commented that, "I will
>miss her. Particularly all that military marching music and those black
>shirts she loved so much!"
>Tim Chow of Taiwan faxed the Brains Trust to say that as far as he was
>concerned her ability to "balance those tiaras on her head, eat expensive
>and sumptious food, drink gin like a fish and generally live it up for
>eighty solid years show just how deserving she was of the world's infinite
>love and affection. I will cry myself to bed tonight. Truly."
Jamie
tmail.SPAMBEGONE.com> writes
>Mumble, mumble Fri, 5 Apr 2002 13:49:27 +0100 mumble, Jamie
><jay...@hornbeam.demon.co.uk> mumble, "oooh, shiny new computer!"
>mumble, mumble wrote:
>>No Mark and Lard amusement because it's body shifting day.
>>Sheesh. I think we should do away with the monarchy on these
>>grounds alone.
>>
>Yes, I was disappointed when 11/09 wasn't made the subject of Son of
>Cheesily... 'Down Down' by Status Quo?
Now that, I might have found in bad taste - on a national broadcast
medium anyway. I was pretty numb to the whole thing anyway as my
mum had just died.
--
Jamie
Life sucks then you die
<jay...@hornbeam.demon.co.uk> writes
Gawd bless ya ma'am.
I,JM
Loz Pycock
books of remembrance where people can write their 'memories' of the
QM...
>"I think that the Queen Mum and Princess Diana
>are our very own Twin Trade Towers. At last we
>can look the people of New York in the face".
>L.Ward, Mansfield.
>- --------------------------------------------------
>"When Diana died I swore I would never smile
>again, but eventually I did. Now the Queen Mum
>has gone I cannot image that I will ever smile
>for the rest of my life, but I will probably
>break that one too".
>A.Christie,Hendon.
>- --------------------------------------------------
>"She was one of the old school, all the remaining
>royals are shit"
>J.Clement. Grantham.
>- --------------------------------------------------
>"I thought she would never die, she has let us
>all down very badly"
>D.Holmes, Somerset.
>- --------------------------------------------------
>"She was a trooper and she never gave up. I
>remember one time she was visiting a school and I
>asked her if she would like to make a visit to the
>cloakroom before she left. 'No' she replied, 'I
>didn't give in to the Nazis and I won't give in
>to the bladder'. That's how she was, a fighter,
>who refused to be beaten by anything. She pissed
>herself later though, it was sickening".
>B. Forrester, North Yorkshire.
>- --------------------------------------------------
>"She was a marvelous woman, and a wonderful
>lover".
>L. J.Worthington,Penrith.
>- --------------------------------------------------
>"I am absolutely devastated, at least we could
>have got the dayoff".
>S.Wilson, Bristol.
>- --------------------------------------------------
>"How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of
>a member of the Royal family without being
>accused of being homosexual".
>J. Fletcher, High Wycombe.
>- --------------------------------------------------
>"Her death should act as a warning to others who
>think it is cool to experiment with drugs".
>E. Franks, Cheshire.
>- --------------------------------------------------
>"On behalf on all blacks, I send the sincerest
>condolences".
>T.Watson, Ilford.
>- --------------------------------------------------
>"Perhaps if we automated her old golf buggy it
>could still drive around The Mall on its own and
>bring pleasure to the tourists".
>Y. Howell, Slough.
>- --------------------------------------------------
>"Once again the Queen is not upset enough for my
>liking, the woman should have a bit more
>compassion, how would she feel if it was her
>mother?"
>W.Waugh, Richmond.
>- --------------------------------------------------
>It is such a loss, God has shat on our heads".
>K. O'Neil, Inverness.
>- --------------------------------------------------
>"I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this
>setback put an end to her public duties".
>N. Wallace, Swansea.
>- --------------------------------------------------
>"I hold Princess Margaret in no small way
>responsible for this terrible event"
>E. Thompson, West Lothian.
>- --------------------------------------------------
>"Bomb Iraq for us Tony, its the only thing that
>will make us feel better"
>P.McGregor, Southampton.
>- --------------------------------------------------
>"We must do all we can, send blankets, food
>parcels, jumpers, anything to help these brave
>souls who are queuing up to walk past her coffin".
>R. Thompson, Bath.
>- --------------------------------------------------
>"I have been unable to masturbate for five days,
>and will not do so again until her majesty is
>buried"
>E. Gorman, Derbyshire.
>- --------------------------------------------------
>"Good God, who is next, Geri Halliwell?".
>R. Combes,Romford.
>- --------------------------------------------------
>"No matter how she felt, no matter the situation,
>she always wore a smile. Just like a retard"
>G. Hollins, East Sussex.
>- --------------------------------------------------
>"I remember she came to visit us in the East End
>one time. She was so kind, so generous and so
>sweet. She whispered softly in my ear, 'you know
>its not true' she said, 'you don't smell of
>shit'. She was a wondrous person".
>E.Collier, London.
>- --------------------------------------------------
>"Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as
>exciting as Diana".
>G.Williams, West Midlands.
>- --------------------------------------------------
>"She was one of us, and by that I don't mean she
>perpetrated insurance fraud or lied about expense
>claims. She was like us in a good way. God bless
>you ma'am".
>L. Weller, Harlow.
>- --------------------------------------------------
>"If only I could get my hands on that fish bone
>right now, you heartless bastard!"
>J. Hedges, Cowdenbeath.
>- --------------------------------------------------
>"She had such a difficult life, always battling
>against adversity and misfortune. Let us hope
>that if there is a next time round she is given a
>life of privilege and comfort"
>T.D.Wainwright, Hastings.
>- --------------------------------------------------
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