Ford Fairlane Quotes
Nathan Torkington
myself and my video. Including the entire last scene.
All quotes are attributed to Ford, unless otherwise shown. Characters
are
Ford Ford Fairlane (Andrew Dice Clay)
Jaz Jaz, Ford's Secretary (hubba hubba)
Coll Colleen Sutton (Priscilla Presley)
Juli Julie Grendell (Wayne Newton)
Kid The Nice Kid
Dork The Father in the Family From Wisconsin
Geek The owner of the UNCOOL 'vette
Twin1 First of the two twins
Twin2 Second of the two twins (I think)
Neil Dweeb in bar
Pussycat The shortest Pussycat
Scal Guy selling tickets at the Bobby Black funeral
Rapper Big black rapper
Anus Lieutenant Anus (Ed O'Neill)
Zuzu Zuzu Peddles, blonde teenage groupie
Snap Snapperhead (Robert Englund)
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They call me Ford Fairlane, Rock'n'Roll detective. I have the power
to get into the hottest clubs, the hottest dressing rooms, and the
hottest chicks.
I admit it all sounds pretty nifty in theory. Then why am I here?
Then why do I wish the music industry and the rest of the world would
just suck my dick Tracy?
%%
I'm so terrifical, I even have my own toll-free number: 1-800-PERFECT
%%
Twin1: You son of a bitch.
Ford : Another satisfied customer.
[he kisses her]
Twin1: Call me.
Twin2: What goes for my sister goes double for me. Don't you
remember? The jacuzzi? Laurel Canyon? The Guns'n'Roses rap party?
%%
Twin2: Wait a minute! 555 isn't a real number; they only use that in
the movies.
Ford : Hey, no shit honey - what do you think this is? Real life?
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Neil: You couldn't find a handle on a coffee-cup.
Ford: Yeah, what are your names? Neil and Bob? Is that, like, what
you do?
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Only guy in the industry I could talk to without vomiting day-glo.
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I'll let you know when somebody pays me to, like, give a shit.
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You're 10 seconds away from the most embarrassing moment of your life.
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Something' from our wine list?
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So many assholes, so few bullets.
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Clint Eastwood? I fucked him.
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Why am I late? I was up all night eating Swedish meatballs. Ay!
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Twin1: Ford? All we needed was to be held.
Ford : You got the bonus plan.
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See those chicks? Girl Scouts - I took two boxes.
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Excuse me? You say the F word again, I bang you the fuck out.
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Jaz : Good morning, she said, as the clock struck five.
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Pussycat: I think I could identify it; it looked like a dick, only
smaller.
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Rapper: Today is the last day of the rest of your life.
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No, money's fine, really.
%%
Fuckin' Australians. I hate that country, that continent, whatever
the fuck it is. Don't we do nuclear testing there, or something.
%%
Johnny Titlebaum? Getting paid to be the asshole you always were.
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Here's to you - suckin' my dick.
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Hey fuckin' shit, my Christ.
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I did every shit job in the biz before I became a superhero - roadie,
publicist, Johnny Osmond's bodyguard and private secretary.
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Ford: Sorry about the glass, the house and my breath.
Coll: Mr Fairlane, I'm rich. Very rich. The kind of rich that warps
minds. Nothing offends me. When I was 11, I walked in on my father
and the Shetland pony he gave me for my birthday. Does that excite
you?
Ford: I don't know - I never met your father. [looks down and sees he
has an erection] Don't take it personal - he always gets up half an
hour before I do. C'mon down boy, down Stanley. Roseanne Barr naked!
Hah - gone.
Coll: Stanley?
Ford: Yeah, like the power drill.
%%
Let's see - you're her worried sister, right? Yesterday I met her
worried father - who, by the way, is about five years younger than
you. And I capped off the evening by watching this guy going up like
a pack of firecrackers. They write about cases like this in the
private eye handbook, honey, somethin' about a 10 foot pole?
%%
I've heard cats fuck with more harmony than that!
%%
Then again, Julie Grendall thinks Jethro Tull's one of the Beverly
Hillbillies.
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Juli: I recommend Stravinsky and Wagner.
Ford: I recomend Smith & Wesson.
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I could crack my knuckles with more harmony than that!
%%
I coulda been a rock star. If only I wasn't banned from MTV. Hey,
it's a long story. Unfortunately, I only do that one song. Well, I
also do 'Puff the Magic Dragon' but only in the nude. It's a longer
story.
%%
When Don Cleveland told me Johnny had a boat on the Delta Marina, I
forgot to ask the name of it. I had a feelin' Johnny had been hiding
from someone so the name of the boat would be somethin' different from
his personality [a life-saver with the name 'The Mighty Penis' comes
into view] well, maybe not.
%%
I felt like I'd just played water polo in a urine tank. Who was that
smilin' snapperhead? Why was he tryin' to scare me off the case, and
who's he workin' for? More important, I got a school of guppies
caught in my underwear right now and nobody believes me.
%%
Hit paydirt with KDRT
%%
Oh boy, do I hate the rich. Robin Leach? I fucked him.
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Sweetheart, you look beautiful. Afterwards, I'll take you out, throw
a burger down your throat, we'll have a great time.
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I wouldn't trust that babe as far as I could bowl her.
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Jaz : Maybe I should be thankful that was a foodless kiss.
%%
Jaz : Yeah, well that weekend was a mistake.
Ford: Look, I'm sorry that I made you clean the toilets and the
bath tubs. Look, who did all the work in bed?
%%
Some people play hard to get - I play hard to want. I'd always loved
Jaz. She despised me for who I was. Like that time we were at her
parents' wedding anniversary I told the joke: what's the definition of
a vagina? The box a penis comes in!
%%
Ford: How much?
Scal: Three hundred.
Ford: Three hundred? You charged the chicks one!
Scal: Yeah, but, they blew me.
Ford: Hey, three hundred coming up!
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Stanley! Talk to me!
%%
[on the phone]
Ford: Fuck you, you dirtbag sack of shit!
Jaz : And good evening to you too, kind sir.
%%
Zuzu: Are you mad?
Ford: No, I'm ecstatic. Get out of the car.
%%
Anus: I can't believe anybody can have so much fuckin' fun at a
funeral, Fairlane. You do bar mitzvahs?
%%
Talking to Zuzu was like masturbating with a cheese-grater -- slightly
amusing but mostly painful.
%%
Ford: Jump nitwit!
Zuzu: Well, maybe it was just a pot pie!
[Boom]
I guess not!
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Maybe I did die in the explosion, you know?
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Geek: Dudes! They executed my 'vette!
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[to Zuzu]
Why have you come to my planet, huh?!?
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Ford: Colleen!
Coll: Aaa - aaa -
Ford: Aardvarks? Julie's smuggling aardvarks into the country?
Coll: Aa - art -
Ford: Artichokes?
Coll: Art Money, stupid.
[she dies]
Ford: Thanks. I neeed that.
%%
An original Fender Stratocaster with original pickups, maple neck and
strung upside down for left handed mother-fuckin' genius, Jimi
Hendrix.
%%
Ford: I got your disks, asshole. They're in a very safe place, with
instructions that they be sent directly to the police if I don't make
a call by 7 o'clock. So if you'll excuse me ...
Juli: Well, it's 7-30 Ford - you really should get a watch.
%%
Ford: Zuzu - Zuzu - you ok?
Zuzu: Another trick question, right?
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It's alright. If you fall, I'll make it.
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My hair! My hair!
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Say hello to Liberace, asshole.
%%
Zuzu: Well, hello Mr Tongue! What a perv!
Ford: Heh, you wish.
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Dork: Excuse me. Could you tell us how to get to Mann's Chinese
Theatre?
Ford: Go back to Michigan, asswipe.
Dork: Oh, we're from Wisconsin.
Ford: Yeah, and I'm from my Dad's penis. Get outa here.
%%
With friends like you, who needs enemas?
%%
Juli: Fuck me.
Ford: Maybe later.
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Juli: I even pissed in the punchbowl!
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You're fired, Julie.
%%
Ford: Jaz is gone and I got the blues. A lota fuckin' things are gone
and I got the blues. I tell you - being an ultra-cool rock-n-roll
superhero - it sounded a lot better in the brochure. I can't believe
it took a bunch of phoney CDs to make me lose all my self-worth and
shit. I was just going to take a nice long nap.
Snap: Hello, hello.
Ford: I don't believe this. Why'd I pause before I pushed you? Huh,
if you weren't that kid's father ...
Snap: What're you talking about?
Ford: The ring, man.
Snap: What about it? I stole it from some idiot in Fresno that I
strangled last year.
Ford: Perfect end to a perfect evening, huh? Un-fuckin-believable. I
mean, I start by having my koala bear hung, and my house and car blown
up, but that was just the beginning of the evening - we were just
getting started, right? Then I get to climb down from the Capitol
Records building - great exercise; I recommend it. Then my guitar, my
axe, the one thing I love, right next to Stanley, is now toothpicks
for the Hollywood homeless. Then, after I torch your boss, my
girlfriend leaves me.
She leaves me, eh - terrific. And now, now I get to die.
Snap: You're breaking me heart. What's the point?
Ford: The point is I want to go out man to man, just me and you. Put
down the gun, let's go with it - come on, you fuckin' sissy. What are
you, afraid of me? Come on, mano-to-mano, fisticuffs, baby let's go
with it. Just you and me, no one's around, come on. I've fuckin' had
it, let's go!
Snap: Alright. Any way you want it.
[he drops his gun and pulls out a knife]
Ford: You crack me up, you know that. What kind of idiot throws his
gun down, I mean, use your head is there something wrong with you, or
what? I mean, look at what you did -
[draws and fires. Boom]
Thanks for working. Thanks for being a jerk-off. I mean, man to man,
mano-to-mano, what the hell does mano-to-mano mean? Use your head!
Snapperhead.
So here I am, bad guys are dead, my life is ruined and the case is
closed. Hey, what else can I say? At least things can't get any more
depressing.
Boy : Did you find my Dad?
Ford: Un-fucking-believable. I got some good news and I got some bad
news. The good news is I found him. The bad news : it's me.
Boy : What kind of sentimental bullshit is this?
Ford: Hey, a guy tries to make a committment, I gotta eat shit?
Boy : Well, just tell me where my father is?
Ford: He died. No bullshit. But he loved you a lot and he wants me
to take care of you. C'mon put it there. That's it. I mean, I got a
a heavy caselead, y'know what I mean?
[Jaz drives up and runs to them]
Jaz : Ford! Ford! Ford, I can't take this crap between us any more,
I'm sorry - I'm quitting.
Ford: [to Boy] Dismount. [to Jaz] I love you.
Jaz : What kind of sentimental bullshit is this?
Boy : Exactly what I said.
Ford: Jaz. Look, I'm sick of the hot cars, the hot clubs, the hot
chicks. I'm sick of all the fun. I want you.
Jaz : You're saying I'm not fun?!
Ford: [to Boy] You told me to say this! [to Jaz] Look, I'm crazy about
you, you know that. Look, I'm crazy about you, you know what I'm
saying.
Jaz : No, I really don't know what you're saying. But I like the tone
of your voice. I really like the tone of your voice.
Ford: It's a beautiful day.
[phone rings as they kiss. Ford answers it]
Hit paydirt with KDRT!
DJ : Hey hey, this is Johnny Ouch, KDRT's hottest new DJ. You've
just won the KDRT million dollar giveaway!
Ford: No shit.
DJ : Oh shit, you can't say shit on the radio. Shit, now I just said
it.
[cut to back of boat]
Ford: Boy, I love the music industry. Especially the tacky radio
giveaway part.
[pan across Jaz, Ford, Boy and finally Koala Bear]
What, you didn't really think we'd kill a fuckin' koala bear did you?
Look at this - the sun, the sea - un-fuckin-believable, eh?
%%
Cheers;
Nat.
(gn...@kauri.vuw.ac.nz == Nathan Torkington == MSDOS and electronic text
archive administrator for Victoria University of Wellington, New Zealand)