Ding dong, dammit! Ding DONG!
Meredith Y. Denton
I'm so excited; years and years after reading one of The Man's
columns wherein he discusses a joke from his youth but will only
reveal the punchline ("Ding dong, dammit! Ding DONG!"), I have
_finally_ found someone who knows the whole joke. It was worth
the wait.
I'm so happy.
Meredith "Boy do I need to get a life" Denton
Eric A. Seiden
So share it already dammit. :)
-- Eric
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
Internet: dar...@Pro-Entropy.cts.com Real Name: Eric A. Seiden
[Call Pro-Entropy at 305-265-9073 for 24 hours a day of chaos at 14.4K]
"Imagine there's no heaven; it's easy if you try." -- John Lennon
Rec-sports-hockey official contact for **THE FLORIDA PANTHERS** Go #34
Jessica Rogers
: I'm so excited; years and years after reading one of The Man's
: columns wherein he discusses a joke from his youth but will only
: reveal the punchline ("Ding dong, dammit! Ding DONG!"), I have
: _finally_ found someone who knows the whole joke. It was worth
: the wait.
so . . . what's the joke?
--
___________________________________________
"Everything is worth precisely as much as a
belch, the difference being that a belch is
more satisfying." -- Ingmar Bergman
---------...@netcom.com-------------
Jack Parker
Meredith Y. Denton (myde...@amoco.com) wrote:
: I'm so excited; years and years after reading one of The Man's
: columns wherein he discusses a joke from his youth but will only
: reveal the punchline ("Ding dong, dammit! Ding DONG!"), I have
: _finally_ found someone who knows the whole joke. It was worth
: the wait.
: I'm so happy.
cheers
j.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Jack Parker |
Hewlett Packard, BSMC Boise, Idaho, USA| "Someday you'll go far,
jpa...@hpbs3645.boi.hp.com | if you catch the right train."
(208) 396-5388 (W) (208) 384-1623 (H) |
_____________________________________________________________________________
Any opinions expressed herein are my own and not those of my employers.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Mike Conway
> guess what.
>
Is this the first part of the joke?
Okay, what?
(and if you answer "that's what!" I'm going to scream.)
Kent Irwin
In article <1994Apr1.0...@amoco.com> Meredith Y. Denton,
myde...@amoco.com writes:
>
>I'm so excited; years and years after reading one of The Man's
>columns wherein he discusses a joke from his youth but will only
>reveal the punchline ("Ding dong, dammit! Ding DONG!"), I have
>_finally_ found someone who knows the whole joke. It was worth
>the wait.
>
>I'm so happy.
>
>
Read the DATE, people. April 1st.
She's not going to tell you the joke.
But I've made up a pretty good one :-)
Jack Parker
: guess what.
What I actually wrote and what the newsreader said I wrote are two separate
things. I had a couple of carots (^^^) under the "Apr1" followed by the
guess what. Too smart for its own good.
laterness
Sunita Kumari Bhatia
Chicken Butt.
Go ahead and scream. ;-)
___________________________________________________________________________
(@) Sunita Kumari Bhatia, bha...@udel.edu, #include<std_disclaimer.h> (@)
( If I have a small .sig, can I call it a .sigarette? )
@)-----------------------------------------------------------------------(@
CHRISTOPHER M SOUZA
Um...Care to share it with the REST of us no-lifers? :)
Chris "I've about given up trying to GET a life" Souza
HAHA! No, no, no...I have a life...honest I do...I'm just saving it for
special occasions.
CHRISTOPHER M SOUZA
> In article <1994Apr1.0...@amoco.com>, myde...@amoco.com (Meredith Y.
> Denton) says:
> >
> >I'm so excited; years and years after reading one of The Man's
> > >snip<
> >
> >Meredith "Boy do I need to get a life" Denton
> >
> ____ ? ?
> \ / | | | ? ?
> \ / |____ | | ?
> \ / \ / | | | ?
> \ \ |____ |_____ |_____ ?
>
> ?
>
>
> ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
> Roger A. Hunt real name: ra...@psuvm.psu.edu
> => The above opinions guaranteed not to be those of Penn State. It
> is the opinion of Penn State that I should: a) finish my disser-
> tation; b) get a haircut; c) get a real job.
To put it bluntly...:)
Meredith Y. Denton
>I wrote:
>>
>>I'm so excited; years and years after reading one of The Man's
>>reveal the punchline ("Ding dong, dammit! Ding DONG!"), I have
>>_finally_ found someone who knows the whole joke. It was worth
>>the wait.
>>
>>I'm so happy.
>>
>>
>>
> ____ ? ?
>\ / | | | ? ?
> \ / |____ | | ?
> \ / \ / | | | ?
> \ \ |____ |_____ |_____ ?
>
> ?
I'm sorry....this honestly was not an April Fool's joke; I just
assumed that everyone but me had already heard it. So anyway,
apologies again, and here goes:
This woman has her lover over one afternoon for a wild and
crazy love session and they're really getting after it when
all of the sudden, they hear a car door slam outside the house.
Fearing it's her husband, the man leaps out of bed, scrambling
desperately for a hiding place, while the woman tries to make
it look like she was just taking a mid-afternoon nap. Her lover
finally dives under the bed just in the nick of time...the
woman's husband comes storming in the room and demands to
know what's going on. "Why nothing dear, I was just napping!"
she replies, with her best innocent look. "All right then,
what the hell are these?" he rages. To her horror, she realizes
that her lover's testicles are visible underneath the bed.
"Umm, uh, those are just some bells to hang on the Christmas
tree" she stumbles. Her husband starts kicking them with his
boot and she shrieks, "What are you doing?!?" to which he
replies, "Well if these are bells, goddamn it, I want to hear
them ring." A muffled voice then comes from under the bed, "Ding
dong, dammit. Ding DONG!"
This is the first time I've repeated the joke since it was
told to me. I hope I did it justice.
Meredith
mwa...@uoft02.utoledo.edu
> In article <1994Apr2...@gmuvax.gmu.edu> mco...@gmuvax.gmu.edu
> (Mike Conway) writes:
>>In article <CnnH9...@boi.hp.com>, jpa...@boi.hp.com (Jack Parker) writes:
>>> guess what.
>>Is this the first part of the joke?
>>Okay, what?
>>(and if you answer "that's what!" I'm going to scream.)
>
> Chicken Butt.
>
> Go ahead and scream. ;-)
Hmph. The last time I heard that, quote, "joke", was at about three o'clock
one morning from some cheery, giggling college-type young "lady". I was not
amused.
-Mac
CHRISTOPHER M SOUZA
Didja notice how he underlined April1 in the References: line, as the date she
posted? Tis a CRUEL, CRUEL world when Barry loyalists w/o lives make fools out
of us OTHER Barry loyalists w/o lives...
Mike Conway
writes:
>>>> guess what.
>> Chicken Butt.
> Hmph. The last time I heard that, quote, "joke", was at about three o'clock
> one morning from some cheery, giggling college-type young "lady". I was not
> amused.
Brings back memories for me. Just like "Ding Dong, dammit, Ding DONG!" does
for Dave. Ah yes, third grade, insightful wit capped with noogies and indian-
burns. I think I'll go outside and blow up an anthill.
Mike.
Mike Conway
>> > guess what.
> Didja notice how he underlined April1 in the References: line, as the date she
> posted? Tis a CRUEL, CRUEL world when Barry loyalists w/o lives make fools out
> of us OTHER Barry loyalists w/o lives...
Let's get her! :)
John Switzer
(CHRISTOPHER M SOUZA) writes:
>In <1994Apr2...@gmuvax.gmu.edu> mco...@gmuvax.gmu.edu writes:
>> Is this the first part of the joke?
>> Okay, what?
>> (and if you answer "that's what!" I'm going to scream.)
>
>Didja notice how he underlined April1 in the References: line, as the date she
>posted? Tis a CRUEL, CRUEL world when Barry loyalists w/o lives make fools
>out of us OTHER Barry loyalists w/o lives...
Okay, okay, you want it, you've got it - here's the fabled Ding Dong joke.
The local theater group was putting on "Candide," but being low budget,
they couldn't afford a real prop man until the dress rehearsals. So the
minor players had to fill in where they could, which included simulating
the door bell for the big entrance scene in the third act. The director
was a very particular soul and gave very particular directions as to how
the scene should be handled.
On the first run-thru of the scene, everything was going fine, until
the big entrance scene - then what should happen but when the doorbell was
pressed but the minor actor shouted "Ding, ding! Ding, ding!" The director
angrily stopped the rehearsal, and told the miscreant to reread
his script and do it right. They started the scene again, but once more,
when the big entrace scene came, the door bell produced only "ding, ding!
ding, ding!" This happened several times, with the director getting
more and more furious, until he, screaming at the top of his lungs,
finally shouted "Ding, dong, damnit! Ding, dong!"
The minor actor, suitably embarassed and chastened, sheepishly went
back to his post and prepared for the scene. Thus it was that when the
big doorbell scene came along, everyone in the studio heard "Ding, dong,
damnit! Ding Dong!"
(Hey, you expect a joke that put a young Dave Barry into a riotous
coma to be funny?)
--
John Switzer | "Life is anything that dies when you stomp
| on it."
CompuServe: 74076,1250 | --Dave Barry
Internet: j...@netcom.com |
PAMELA CANTRELL
rehearsal/performance of Candide. Funny, I don't remember any doorbells in
the book--and besides, did they even have doorbells in the 18th century?
I don't think so! And what on earth could the big entrance scene be? There
are so many exits and exits in the book, especially dead people coming back
to life, that none of them are really very spectacular. Now I must admit, I
am familiar with the book, not the play. So don't flame me. Its my birthday.
###############################################################################
Pam Cantrell // My Twain of thought is loosely bound
pam...@nevada.edu // I guess it's time to Mark this down.
--J. Buffett
** that Las Vegas glitter sure beats kitty litter**
###############################################################################
Brett B. Doehr
[ Bunch of "Ding-dong" joke controversy deleted ]
|> Meredith tells me I'm being cruel and that she has
|> posted the joke, so hold your breath.
She did, and it showed up on my newsreader before your post did (and
with a date of yesterday (Monday) morning, for what it's worth). She
also said her newsreader/server has been flakey, so be patient. Not
that I guarantee it is worth the wait, but it is better than the other
ding-dong joke recently posted, IMHO. 8-)}
-- Brett.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
| Brett B. Doehr Martin Marietta Astronautics Group |
| Voice: +1-303-977-1504 P.O. Box 179 Denver, CO 80201 USA |
| Fax: +1-303-977-1530 Internet: do...@den.mmc.com |
| "These opinions were packaged by volume, not by weight. Some |
| settling of contents may have occurred during shipping." |
John Switzer
>The funny thing about the ding dong dammit joke is that it happened during a
>rehearsal/performance of Candide. Funny, I don't remember any doorbells in
>the book--and besides, did they even have doorbells in the 18th century?
>I don't think so! And what on earth could the big entrance scene be? There
>are so many exits and exits in the book, especially dead people coming back
>to life, that none of them are really very spectacular. Now I must admit, I
>am familiar with the book, not the play. So don't flame me. Its my birthday.
Okay, make it "Hamlet". Or "Romeo and Juliet". Or even "Tis Pity She's A
Whore". Any period piece set before the invention of electricity will do.
It's like "Dune" and its "wheels within wheels," except that this is "jokes
within jokes" . . . sort of.
Mike Conway
<Lot's and lots of stuff that I deleted.>
I think it's safe to assume that any joke that sent adolescent boys into fits
of hysteria would have to involve some reference to genitalia, so I,
personally, would have to believe that the testicle joke is the correct one,
and not this stuff about doorbells. But maybe I just grew up in a bad
neighborhood.
Mike.
Dave Barry
slayed me and my fellow campers at Camp Minisink. Ours was WAY stupider.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Pro-Entropy (C)1993 by DAR Systems International, All Rights Reserved
Real Name: Dave Barry Internet: da...@pro-entropy.cts.com
Call PRO-ENTROPY for the latest chaos at 305-265-9073 (14.4K Baud)
Kent Irwin
da...@pro-entropy.cts.com writes:
>I hate to burst anybody's balloon, but that is NOT the ding-dong joke
that
>slayed me and my fellow campers at Camp Minisink. Ours was WAY stupider.
Hey, everybody! Just to be, wild, crazy, and unpredictable, let's NOT
ask Dave to tell us the joke!
That's right, Dave! If you tell us that your joke was WAY stupider,
we BELIEVE YOU! Even though you didn't say "I'm not making this up"!
We don't even want to hear it!
Mark Wilson
: I hate to burst anybody's balloon, but that is NOT the ding-dong joke that
--
So... PROVE it! I _dare_ ya! I _double-dare_ ya!!
Oh, yeah? Well I TRIPLE-dare YOU, with jimmies on it!
[*Whew!* Now that I've gotten that out of my system, and
brought back memories of _my_ summer camp (Massanetta),
couldja pretty-please let us all in on the "WAY stupider" joke
that _really_ started this?]
--
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Mark Wilson, 410-796-4873 days
email: mwi...@hps.sso.loral.com Cserve: 72123,1354
Pedestrians have the right-of-way. Trucks have the right-of-weight.
Guess who wins.
Roger A. Hunt
(Dave Barry) says:
>
>I hate to burst anybody's balloon, but that is NOT the ding-dong joke that
>slayed me and my fellow campers at Camp Minisink. Ours was WAY stupider.
>
Ladies and gentlemen, it is with deepest sorrow that we announce that
Roger Hunt, beloved frequent poster to this newsgroup, has been
committed to the Unbited Snakes Asylum for the Kremlinally Sane. Mr.
Hunt was recently found in a ditch near his trailer home, with his
prized glass-encased booger collection under his arm, mumbling
something about "THREE Ding Dong Dammit jokes...God help us..."
As he was being led away, Mr. Hunt gathered himself long enough to
make a brief statement to the waiting television cameras. He handed
reporters a slip of paper with the following cryptic message on it:
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>Pro-Entropy (C)1993 by DAR Systems International, All Rights Reserved
>Real Name: Dave Barry Internet: da...@pro-entropy.cts.com
>Call PRO-ENTROPY for the latest chaos at 305-265-9073 (14.4K Baud)
Police are currently seeking this da...@pro-entropy.cts.com indivi-
dual for "a few friendly questions," as Captain Mike Steele put it.
"We merely want to find out if he or she knows anything about this
alleged third Ding Dong Dammit joke. We need to pursue all leads.
Anything that would be so awful as to send a pillar of the community
like Mister Hunt over the edge, has got to be... got to be..."
Captain Steele could not continue, having broken into sobs.
Investigators have concluded, despite preliminary reports to the
contrary, that the alleged da...@pro-entropy.cts.com has no
connection to noted Pulitzer-Prize-winning humorist and Vogue
Magazine automotive writer Dave Barry of Lantana, Florida.
"We knew it was a red herring," commented Sergeant P. Buttercup.
"For one thing, the REAL Dave Barry doesn't know any Ding Dong
Dammit jokes. Second, Mr. Barry is a well-known techno-phobe and
likely isn't aware of the Internet, let alone posting stuff on
it."
"Finally," Buttercup continued, "look at the copyright date
in the alleged Barry's .sig. 1993 ????? The REAL Dave Barry's
meticulous attention to detail and sober, accurate reporting of
Ernest, factual material would never allow him to post under a
1993 copyright. He knows it would invalidate anything he said."
Latest reports from the hospital indicate that Mr. Hunt is beginning
to sit up and speak. Experts at the facility expect him to begin
rolling over, playing dead, and fetching a moldy tennis ball within
days. Please watch this newsgroup for progress reports.
Roger A. Hunt
Mr. Roger Hunt's mysterious and tragic reaction to the "Third
Ding Dong Dammit" affair. Clever and intrepid ivestigative reporting
has revealed that the mysterious da...@pro-entropy.cts.com is
in fact totally unrelated to noted humorist Dave Barry.
This reporter has uncovered the until-now-secret information that
the sinister da...@pro-entropy.cts.com is, in fact, posting from a
commercial account. "It was the 'dot-COM' at the end that gave it
away," pointed out investigator Brent Magellan.
"Clearly, it couldn't be the REAL Dave Barry," Magellan asserted.
"We know for a fact that Dave Barry is penniless." (Alert readers
will recall that it was earlier revealed in this space that Mr.
Barry's column was, in fact, being printed illegally by most news-
papers, and that Mr. Barry is therefore receiving no income from the
sale thereof. You will recall that major American newspapers, including
the St. Louis Pot Dis-Patch and the Portland Oregano, conspired against
Mr. Barry in retaliation for his crusade against the use of the word
"Morton" in public.)
As matters stand, it appears the REAL Dave Barry's column appears,
for pay, in only a single US newspaper. Coincidentally, the
newspaper inquestion, "The Normal Enquirer," also employs Mr. Barry
as a staff writer.
When contacted, Mr. Barry refused comment, saying only that he doesn't
speak to journalists, and referred all comment to his attorney, Brad
Templeton. When contacted by journalists, Mr. Templeton responded by
filing a lawsuit against this newspaper, alleging copyright infringe-
ment for use of the word "the" in written questions. (Please see
follow-up story below, regarding this newspaper's countersuit against
Templeton for HIS copyright infringement, specifically, appropriating
without permission the name of the rat in _Charlotte's Web_ [copy-
right 1947, E.B. White] as his own.)
This newspaper also contacted Jack "I speak for Hewlett Packard"
Parker of Boise, Nowhere, for comment in his capacity as High
Priest of the Dave Is So Sacred - Dave! (DISS-Dave!) movement. Mr.
Parker's spokesperson, Pamela Nevada, declined to disturb Mr.
Parker, who was channeling a communication from Zippy at the time.
Pursuing further leads, this newspaper contacted Mr. Eric Seiden,
sysadmin for Pro-Entropy. Mr. Seiden refused comment and threatened
to turn this reporter's cat into the world's largest charcoal
briquette. (See follow-up story below: "Reporter Implicated In
Payoff Scheme to Have Feline Crisped in Exchange for Free Internet
Account.")
Meanwhile, efforts to contact the secretive da...@pro-entropy.cts.com
continue. To date, all messages sent to the PRO-ENTROPY domain have
been met with the response "Server on Vacation -- Try Again Later,
Sucker."
From the hospital, reports indicate Mr. Hunt is progressing nicely,
and has made some lovely baskets and finger-paintings that he plans
to share with the newsgroup. Further updates as available.
Mike Conway
> What?!? Didn't everyone live in a neighborhood of thesbians? Let me tell
> you, *my* joke cracks them up at cast parties!! (Okay, the drinks have
> to be flowing freely for that to happen, but this is a given at cast
> parties.)
I don't know about thesbians, or any of their personal habits, but hey, this
is America, who am I to impose my personal beliefs? As for the thespians in
my neighborhood, most of them were too busy laughing hysterically at the fact
that the first grade class at my elementary school, one year, actually put on
a performance of Puss 'n Boots. THAT kept them occupied for YEARS.
Mike.
Brett B. Doehr
|> I hate to burst anybody's balloon, but that is NOT the ding-dong joke that
|> slayed me and my fellow campers at Camp Minisink. Ours was WAY stupider.
As a point of clarification, it appears that Dave's comment is in
reply to John Switzer's version of the ding-dong joke (about the
play/actor/director/etc). So, Meredith Dentons's may or may not
still be in the running. Personally, I liked the version posted
by Laura Mendyke, which had the husband/wife/lover, closet, and
doorbell all in one fine joke. Then again, there may be even
*more* versions out there. <shudder,tremble,whimper>
Christopher Foley
>I hate to burst anybody's balloon, but that is NOT the ding-dong joke that
>slayed me and my fellow campers at Camp Minisink. Ours was WAY stupider.
Also, the joke you heard "involved marital infidelity and a closet," so
humph there.
I think we should get all the ding dong jokes we can together, then distrib-
ute them to a group of irresponsible (read: any) 10-year-olds, then consult
back with them in a month. The joke that has survived the month will be
the winner. Though frankly I don't really want to get near any 10-year-olds.
They always want to tell me stupid jokes.
--
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chris Foley cfo...@sfu.ca chr...@iceonline.com Go Canucks Go!
- Sassy: DM (B+Bd)t H .5 X++ L- W C+++ I+++ T+++ A++ E+ H S++ V+ F+ Q- P B
Jack Parker
: This newspaper also contacted Jack "I speak for Hewlett Packard"
: Parker of Boise, Nowhere, for comment in his capacity as High
: Priest of the Dave Is So Sacred - Dave! (DISS-Dave!) movement. Mr.
: Parker's spokesperson, Pamela Nevada, declined to disturb Mr.
: Parker, who was channeling a communication from Zippy at the time.
Gosh! I've made it into a Roger Hunt Post! Is this like net fame or
something?
cheers
j.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Jack Parker |
Hewlett Packard, BSMC Boise, Idaho, USA| Someday I want to grow up.
jpa...@hpbs3645.boi.hp.com |
Geoffrey Brown
: I hate to burst anybody's balloon, but that is NOT the ding-dong joke that
Well, Let's hear it, Dave!! :)
--
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
"Then *_I_* am Geee-off Brown"
"You mean GEOFF Brown?"
"YES, I *_AM_*"
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Radio-boy
>
>Okay, okay, you want it, you've got it - here's the fabled Ding Dong joke.
>
>
>The local theater group was putting on "Candide," but being low budget,
>they couldn't afford a real prop man until the dress rehearsals. So the
>minor players had to fill in where they could, which included simulating
>the door bell for the big entrance scene in the third act. The director
>was a very particular soul and gave very particular directions as to how
>the scene should be handled.
>
>
>The minor actor, suitably embarassed and chastened, sheepishly went
>back to his post and prepared for the scene. Thus it was that when the
>big doorbell scene came along, everyone in the studio heard "Ding, dong,
>damnit! Ding Dong!"
>
>(Hey, you expect a joke that put a young Dave Barry into a riotous
>coma to be funny?)
>--
Nice try, but no cigar. We all know that the *real* Ding Dong joke
has to do with marital infidelity and a closet. Also, if my memory serves
me well, there is no big scene with a doorbell in Candide. Voltaire lived
long before doorbells were widely used. Nice try, though.
Mike Vago "i'm a loser baby, so why don't
v059...@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu you kill me." - Beck
Roger A. Hunt
>
>Gosh! I've made it into a Roger Hunt Post! Is this like net fame or
>something?
Um, I think it usually works more like the Curse of the Baskervilles.
Don't know for sure. Let us know if anything giant with glow-in-the-dark
drool starts sniffing around your house, OK?
Eric A. Seiden
>dar...@pro-entropy.cts.com (Eric A. Seiden) writes:
>
>>That's because you're from Stanford. The rest of us don't have lives and we
>>hinge on Dave's every word. We don't care about what anyone else says
>>(except maybe Roger Hunt, but that's because he's so weird he makes Dave
>>look perfectly normal.)
>>
>Speak for yourself, buddy.
>
>I have a life. A hugely impared one, but a life nonetheless....and I do'nt
>hang on Dave's every word. Honestly. He's just a regular guy. A regular guy
>who gets to have a whole bunch of people hear his opinion every week. That's
>the only significant difference *I* see.
>
>Granted, you're joking. And granted, this *is* the fan club...but come on! I
>just don't understand fanatacism.
Geeze, last time I try and be funny. Hmph.
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
[Call Pro-Entropy at 305-265-9073 for 24 hours a day of chaos at 14.4K]
Internet: dar...@Pro-Entropy.cts.com (Real Name: Eric A. Seiden)
Rec-Sports-Hockey official contact for **THE FLORIDA PANTHERS HOCKEY CLUB**
"Imagine there's no heaven; it's easy if you try." -- John Lennon
CHRISTOPHER M SOUZA
Mr. Barry, sir? Might you please guide us through these troubled times and
tell us the joke? *bows* *prepares booger sacrifice*
--Chris Souza
stu_c...@vax1.acs.jmu.edu
cso...@delphi.com
Kent Irwin
dar...@pro-entropy.cts.com writes:
>butt...@pro-entropy.cts.com (Princess) writes:
>
>>dar...@pro-entropy.cts.com (Eric A. Seiden) writes:
>>
>>>That's because you're from Stanford. The rest of us don't have lives
and we
>>>hinge on Dave's every word. We don't care about what anyone else says
>>>(except maybe Roger Hunt, but that's because he's so weird he makes
Dave
>>>look perfectly normal.)
>>>
>>Speak for yourself, buddy.
>>
>>I have a life. A hugely impared one, but a life nonetheless....and I
do'nt
>>hang on Dave's every word. Honestly. He's just a regular guy. A regular
guy
>>who gets to have a whole bunch of people hear his opinion every week.
That's
>>the only significant difference *I* see.
>>
>>Granted, you're joking. And granted, this *is* the fan club...but come
on! I
>>just don't understand fanatacism.
>
>
>Geeze, last time I try and be funny. Hmph.
>
>
Actually, I was a little jealous of all the lucky people in this group
who apparently don't have lives. Come on, lets face it. Einstein doesn't
have a life. Or Mozart. Or Hendrix. Or Mark Twain. Or Lennon.
Look who do have lives: Me. Jesse Helms. Madonna. Fabio (sp?). Rush
Limbaugh.
Personally, I'd rather be a member of the first group.
On the other hand, there's Dave...
Thoughtfully,
Kent
Michael Levy
I propose that, unless Mr. Barry posts the correct "Ding dong dammit!"
joke by, say, April 15, we all download and email him Woodrow Wilson's
Private Papers (or some other suitably long post available on the net).
--Michael Levy
mle...@umbc8.umbc.edu
Meredith Y. Denton
>I hate to burst anybody's balloon, but that is NOT the ding-dong joke that
>slayed me and my fellow campers at Camp Minisink. Ours was WAY stupider.
There has been some debate as to whether Dave (may I call you Dave?) was
referring to my Ding Dong Dammit joke or the other one that I saw posted
here before I had to leave town for two days (as a result of which, I
missed the alleged _third_ DDD joke). I think the point is moot....
I think that it's now obvious that my joke was not, in fact,
Dave's joke; in my own defense, however, I must say that while I remembered
that His joke involved marital infidelity, I had not remembered that it
also involved a closet.
So, now I'm really crushed. Dave, will you _please_ tell us your joke?
Meredith
Jack Parker
: >
: >Gosh! I've made it into a Roger Hunt Post! Is this like net fame or
: >something?
: Um, I think it usually works more like the Curse of the Baskervilles.
: Don't know for sure. Let us know if anything giant with glow-in-the-dark
: drool starts sniffing around your house, OK?
Is that what that thing was?
No but seriously, ever since I read that post the cat has taken on a whole
new demeanor - miaowing incessantly. Throwing her against the wall doesn't
work anymore. I've tried just about everything else I can think of including
but not limited to - holding her head in the toilet and flushing, whipping
her with a wet spaghetti noodle - which she seems to enjoy, revolving her
at high speed while holding onto her tail... She just won't stop. If you
like I'll post a recording of the miaow just so you can diagnose it.
cheers
j.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Jack Parker |
Hewlett Packard, BSMC Boise, Idaho, USA| Beat your cat once a day.
jpa...@hpbs3645.boi.hp.com | If you don't know what (s)he did,
(208) 396-5388 (W) (208) 384-1623 (H) | (s)he probably doesn't either.
Phil Veldhuis
>
> I propose that, unless Mr. Barry posts the correct "Ding dong dammit!"
>joke by, say, April 15, we all download and email him Woodrow Wilson's
>Private Papers (or some other suitably long post available on the net).
>
can attest to the difficulties involved. And who can object to being sent
copies of your own personal*private* mail?
Just a suggestion, which won't be necessary, if you get my drift.
--
------------oooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo-------------
Phil Veldhuis | "if something is not worth doing,
Winnipeg. MB, Canada | it is not worth doing right"
vel...@cc.umanitoba.ca | Dave Barry (1985)
The Illustrious Brian W. Brown
>In article <1994Apr5.2...@pro-entropy.cts.com> Dave Barry,
>da...@pro-entropy.cts.com writes:
>>I hate to burst anybody's balloon, but that is NOT the ding-dong joke that
>>slayed me and my fellow campers at Camp Minisink. Ours was WAY stupider.
"Me and my fellow campers"??? This is too good to be true. I hate it
when people post spelling or grammar corrections, but when a Pulitzer-Prize
winning author posts and makes a mistake... (Sorry, Dave ;-)
>Hey, everybody! Just to be, wild, crazy, and unpredictable, let's NOT
>ask Dave to tell us the joke!
>
>That's right, Dave! If you tell us that your joke was WAY stupider,
>we BELIEVE YOU! Even though you didn't say "I'm not making this up"!
>We don't even want to hear it!
I second the motion! I DO NOT want to hear the joke! If you post it,
I will delete it without reading it, so don't bother!
I didn't think the fake joke was all that funny, and only sort-of made
sense, so I am quite willing to believe that the real joke is on the
ultra-stupid level without hearing it.
--
c=========* _____ "Reality refuses to be politically correct."
c=========* (-----------) -- B. Meredith Burke |\ /|
\\ /// ~~~~~ | O |
OS/2 2.1! ?########-C bbr...@willamette.edu (Brian W. Brown) |/ \|
Eric A. Seiden
> I propose that, unless Mr. Barry posts the correct "Ding dong dammit!"
>joke by, say, April 15, we all download and email him Woodrow Wilson's
>Private Papers (or some other suitably long post available on the net).
>
I think Dave would prefer Statistics. I have firsthand knowledge that he
loves NOTHING IN THE WORLD more than Statistics. Except Lite Beer.
Roger A. Hunt
dar...@pro-entropy.cts.com (Eric A. Seiden) says:
>
>mle...@umbc.edu (Michael Levy) writes:
>
>> I propose that, unless Mr. Barry posts the correct "Ding dong dammit!"
>>joke by, say, April 15, we all download and email him Woodrow Wilson's
>>Private Papers (or some other suitably long post available on the net).
>>
>
>I think Dave would prefer Statistics. I have firsthand knowledge that he
>loves NOTHING IN THE WORLD more than Statistics. Except Lite Beer.
Better yet. We should get J. Parker to send him a uuencoded .GIF of
something or other. Jack: You got any suitable technical illustrations
there at HP? Something like an exploded view-diagram of a CD-ROM drive
alignment track, for instance?
Jonathan Crawford
> No but seriously, ever since I read that post the cat has taken on a whole
> new demeanor - miaowing incessantly. Throwing her against the wall doesn't
> work anymore. I've tried just about everything else I can think of including
> but not limited to - holding her head in the toilet and flushing, whipping
> her with a wet spaghetti noodle - which she seems to enjoy, revolving her
> at high speed while holding onto her tail... She just won't stop. If you
> like I'll post a recording of the miaow just so you can diagnose it.
Ah yes, the joys of giving someone/something a "swirly". Brings back a
very amusing memory from a year or two ago. One of the daily Cathy comics
was lampooning the helplessness of temps, and featured Cathy inventorying
the fates of the hapless temps who had attempted to sub for Charlene. In
the final frame, Mr. Pinkney asks, "Where's number four?" to which Cathy
replies, "She's in the bathroom giving the copier repairman a swirly."
At that time, I had never heard of a "swirly", and my twisted imagination
could only interpret it in a manner which was entirely out of character
for Cathy Guisewhite and her creation >;) My wife, however, knew what a
"swirly" was and was disgusted by my filthy imagination. We spent the next
five days doing an informal survey of our friends and co-workers from the
DC area. Seems that only about 1/3 of them knew what a "swirly" was, and
the rest assumed it meant the same thing I did. (Says a lot about our
friends, I guess...)
A week later, the Washington Post ran a quite sizable article discussing
the uproar Cathy Guisewhite's comic caused. It seems that the term "swirly"
is a Midwestern expression, and that both Guisewhite and her editors are
from the Midwest.
And yes, for anybody who hasn't figured it out yet, a "swirly" is when you
put someone's head in the toilet and flush. The toilet, that is.
-- Jonathan Crawford
Pat Berry
> I agree, however, that Meredith's version of the joke would be more
> likely to crack kids up...
Perhaps, but I couldn't get past the difficulty of imagining the guys
testicles -- and ONLY his testicles -- protruding from under the bed. I
mean, it just doesn't seem anatomically feasible.
Jack Parker
: >
: >I think Dave would prefer Statistics. I have firsthand knowledge that he
: >loves NOTHING IN THE WORLD more than Statistics. Except Lite Beer.
: Better yet. We should get J. Parker to send him a uuencoded .GIF of
: something or other. Jack: You got any suitable technical illustrations
: there at HP? Something like an exploded view-diagram of a CD-ROM drive
: alignment track, for instance?
(Wondered why the cat was so ornery this am - telling me I was here again,
of course now that I recognize the symptoms I'll listen to her more carefully)
No, we have to be careful what we use as bitmaps around here - never know
when some Motorola type is going to sneak in and try to decipher it. Although
I suppose I could scan a churchbell or a closet if you really want one.
Just out of curiosity - seeing as how I've received no complaints about the
odd uuencodee - does this mean we are all net-literate or would some of us
like pointers on how to decode and view/hear these files?
Of course I could always scan the phone book and just send Dave some odd
statistics - that is while I'm waiting for my life to come home. Better
yet hows about I encode a nice local Ginger-beer and send him that?
(Surprise of all surprises - Boise has some very decent microbreweries - guess
there's nothing else to do up here but hunt, fish, camp, run, bike, ski, golf,
swim, boat, climb rocks and drive around in a pickup truck).
Anthony J. Stuckey
>A week later, the Washington Post ran a quite sizable article discussing
>the uproar Cathy Guisewhite's comic caused. It seems that the term "swirly"
>is a Midwestern expression, and that both Guisewhite and her editors are
>from the Midwest.
>And yes, for anybody who hasn't figured it out yet, a "swirly" is when you
>put someone's head in the toilet and flush. The toilet, that is.
I hate to tell you this, but "head" is word for toilet in some
regions. Damn regional language.
I remember seeing this strip, but being from Central Illinois, nobody
cared, and everybody in the room at the moment understood perfectly.
--
Anthony J. Stuckey stu...@mrcnext.cso.uiuc.edu
"And if you frisbee-throw a universe where does it go?" -- Steve Blunt.
GCS/S -d+@ p c(++) l u+ e+(-) m+(*) s+++/-- !n h(*) f+ g+ w+ t+@ r y?
KiboNumber == 1
Jack Parker
: I hate to tell you this, but "head" is word for toilet in some
: regions. Damn regional language.
First time I've heard the Navy called a region. "So what region did you
serve in? - The Nether region."
Jason K. Schechner
The Illustrious Brian W. Brown <bbr...@willamette.edu> wrote:
>Kent Irwin <ir...@leland.stanford.edu> wrote:
>>In article <1994Apr5.2...@pro-entropy.cts.com> Dave Barry,
>>da...@pro-entropy.cts.com writes:
>
>>>I hate to burst anybody's balloon, but that is NOT the ding-dong joke that
>>>slayed me and my fellow campers at Camp Minisink. Ours was WAY stupider.
>
>"Me and my fellow campers"??? This is too good to be true. I hate it
>when people post spelling or grammar corrections, but when a Pulitzer-Prize
>winning author posts and makes a mistake... (Sorry, Dave ;-)
Actually, I'm sorry to tell you (and overjoyed to report) that
there was no mistake in Dave's grammar. Would you prefer he say "that
slayed my fellow campers and I"? That would be wrong. In this case
'me' is correct because the accusative of 'I' is required here.
Geez, I can't beleive I remember that. I'm a chem major for
heaven's sake! :-)
[deletia]
>OS/2 2.1! ?########-C bbr...@willamette.edu (Brian W. Brown) |/ \|
Hey - at least you use a good OS, Brian. :-)
-Jason
--
Minds are like parachutes: They only work when open,
and both are useless if they only open on impact.
"In fact, the National Enquirer had to lead the way and break the
[Gennifer Flowers] story" --- Bob Nehls on alt.fan.dan-quayle
Rose Marie Holt
>: >
>
>: Better yet. We should get J. Parker to send him a uuencoded .GIF of
>odd uuencodee - does this mean we are all net-literate or would some of us
>like pointers on how to decode and view/hear these files?
I would like a clue (or even a cloo), as I am not net literate.
>
>Of course I could always scan the phone book and just send Dave some odd
>statistics - that is while I'm waiting for my life to come home. Better
>yet hows about I encode a nice local Ginger-beer and send him that?
>(Surprise of all surprises - Boise has some very decent microbreweries - guess
>there's nothing else to do up here but hunt, fish, camp, run, bike, ski, golf,
>swim, boat, climb rocks and drive around in a pickup truck).
Perhaps they have "decent" microbreweries - they also import Red Hook and
Wasatch. Careful, Jack, first of all, we dont want any more damn furriners
cloggin up our valley, floatin the river and buildin condos on our sage
brush and poopin on our hikin trails. Second of all, even a $500K house
in the Tragic Valley is still surrounded by sagebrush, except in the
summer, when it is surrounded by carbonized sagebrush.
All youall oughta come to Seattle (I just happen to know of a house for
sale) where they have jillions of microbreweries, as well as Rainier
Brewing Co, for you guys who drink cougar piss (or is that Coors?)
Dont worry about yore kids gittin shot in front of school, that only happens
at the public schools.
Go Eagles!
RM Holt
Nep Smith
>In article <2o31io...@umbc8.umbc.edu> mle...@umbc.edu (Michael Levy) writes:
>> I propose that, unless Mr. Barry posts the correct "Ding dong dammit!"
>>joke by, say, April 15, we all download and email him Woodrow Wilson's
>Better: we mail him 2038 copies of the chuckletrowsers post. Mr. Bywater
>can attest to the difficulties involved. And who can object to being sent
>copies of your own personal*private* mail?
>Just a suggestion, which won't be necessary, if you get my drift.
So, it's come to this?
Threats against the Man himself?
Truly, a statement about todays society when people are extorting
humor with (mail)bomb threats {No,no, not you Mr. President -- I'm
spekaing to Dave right now...}. What's next? Take Letterman hostage
and arrange a trade? Jokejackings? Or perhaps we'll have some
law-and-order Senator propose a "three laughs and you're out" law.
What ever happened to the JFK Magic Word theory, you know, "Please"?
So how about it, Dave? Stop these barbarians from hastening the end
of society as we know it by sharing a laugh in these dark times.
God Bless America, thank you, and good night.
TTFN
Nep
------------------------------------------------------------------
My license says that|tsm...@ucs.usc.edu <or>|(213)747-8628Home
I'm donating my body|1077 West 30th Street |(213)740-5667Work
to science...fiction|Los Angeles, California|(213)740-5666Fax
-apology to S.Wright|U.S.A. Zip: 90007 ;')|(403)245-9168Perm.
Eddie Saxe
>>In article <1994Apr5.2...@pro-entropy.cts.com> Dave Barry,
>>da...@pro-entropy.cts.com writes:
>
>>>I hate to burst anybody's balloon, but that is NOT the ding-dong joke that
>>>slayed me and my fellow campers at Camp Minisink. Ours was WAY stupider.
>
>"Me and my fellow campers"??? This is too good to be true.
Sorry, Citizen, but grammar flames are punishable by summary execution.
Please report to the nearest Termination Centre. Or North Miami Beach.
> I hate it
>when people post spelling or grammar corrections, but when a Pulitzer-Prize
>winning author posts and makes a mistake... (Sorry, Dave ;-)
Hey, that's what Pulitzer-Prize winning editors are for.
>--
> c=========* _____ "Reality refuses to be politically correct."
> c=========* (-----------) -- B. Meredith Burke |\ /|
> \\ /// ~~~~~ | O |
>OS/2 2.1! ?########-C bbr...@willamette.edu (Brian W. Brown) |/ \|
Why is that shotgun in your signature?
Eddie
--
Been there. Done that. Bought the T-shirt.
Sue Spence
Nep Smith (tsm...@skat.usc.edu) wrote:
: Threats against the Man himself?
What's all this "The Man" stuff I keep seeing in this group.
I thought Stan Musial was dead. Or an insurance agent in Kankakee.
Jack Parker
Jack Parker
: >
: >Just out of curiosity - seeing as how I've received no complaints about the
: >odd uuencodee - does this mean we are all net-literate or would some of us
: >like pointers on how to decode and view/hear these files?
: I would like a clue (or even a cloo), as I am not net literate.
Oh dear, I could go into it all, but there is a much better answer.
I direct you to the FAQ under alt.binary.pictures.*. If its not there
holler, I have a copy saved somewhere.
: >there's nothing else to do up here but hunt, fish, camp, run, bike, ski,
: >golf, swim, boat, climb rocks and drive around in a pickup truck).
: Perhaps they have "decent" microbreweries - they also import Red Hook and
: Wasatch. Careful, Jack, first of all, we dont want any more damn furriners
: cloggin up our valley, floatin the river and buildin condos on our sage
: brush and poopin on our hikin trails. Second of all, even a $500K house
Too late.
Meredith Y. Denton
No offense, Pat, but you certainly seem to know how to suck the fun
right out of a joke, don't you?
Meredith
Eddie Saxe
Pat Berry <p...@berry.Cary.NC.US> wrote:
>ledw...@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Laura E Mendyke) writes:
>
>> I agree, however, that Meredith's version of the joke would be more
>> likely to crack kids up...
>
>Perhaps, but I couldn't get past the difficulty of imagining the guys
>testicles -- and ONLY his testicles -- protruding from under the bed. I
>mean, it just doesn't seem anatomically feasible.
:s/under the bed/the closet door/g
If you aren't enough of a geek to understand what I just wrote, I'll
explain it by emale.
Eddie
--
Me too!
David Coburn
>Pat Berry (p...@berry.Cary.NC.US) wrote:
>: ledw...@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Laura E Mendyke) writes:
>: > I agree, however, that Meredith's version of the joke would be more
>: > likely to crack kids up...
>: Perhaps, but I couldn't get past the difficulty of imagining the guys
>: testicles -- and ONLY his testicles -- protruding from under the bed. I
>: mean, it just doesn't seem anatomically feasible.
>Maybe he was a double amputee.
Or unusually well endowed.
David
David Coburn cob...@informix.com
Informix Software, Inc. ...uunet!infmx!coburn
=========================================================================
Any opinions expressed here are not necessarily those of Informix
(or for that matter, anybody else).
=========================================================================
Carl Sundbom
> testicles -- and ONLY his testicles -- protruding from under the bed.
Unless he has very large testicles, that is. I found that part of the
joke quite disturbing, you can't laugh at something that is clearly
impossible. Bad joke-design, or maybe some distortion over time.
--
Brett B. Doehr
|> jpa...@boi.hp.com (Jack Parker) writes:
|>
|> >Pat Berry (p...@berry.Cary.NC.US) wrote:
|> >: ledw...@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Laura E Mendyke) writes:
|>
|> >: > I agree, however, that Meredith's version of the joke would be more
|> >: > likely to crack kids up...
|>
|> >: Perhaps, but I couldn't get past the difficulty of imagining the guys
|> >: testicles -- and ONLY his testicles -- protruding from under the bed. I
|> >: mean, it just doesn't seem anatomically feasible.
|>
|> >Maybe he was a double amputee.
|>
|> Or unusually well endowed.
Wait a sec... You mean that is considered *unusual*? ;-)}
-- Brett.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
| Brett B. Doehr Martin Marietta Astronautics Group |
| Voice: +1-303-977-1504 P.O. Box 179 Denver, CO 80201 USA |
| Fax: +1-303-977-1530 Internet: do...@den.mmc.com |
| "These opinions were packaged by volume, not by weight. Some |
| settling of contents may have occurred during shipping." |
Gordon W Devereaux
>>Perhaps, but I couldn't get past the difficulty of imagining the guys
>>testicles -- and ONLY his testicles -- protruding from under the bed. I
>>mean, it just doesn't seem anatomically feasible.
>
>
>No offense, Pat, but you certainly seem to know how to suck the fun
>right out of a joke, don't you?
>
>
>Meredith
>
>
AAWWW!!! Come on, this was getting better than the original joke
probably is/was/will_be. (o.k. so the grammar is wrong)
gwd
--
ver 1.5
Gordon W Devereaux CIS....70732,3450
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl. AOL....gordon1044
g...@ocean.win.net Delphi.gwdevereaux
"EYW" P*.....pbxd97a
Sue Spence
Meredith Y. Denton (myde...@amoco.com) wrote:
: Pat Berry writes:
: >ledw...@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Laura E Mendyke) writes:
: >
: >> I agree, however, that Meredith's version of the joke would be more
: >> likely to crack kids up...
: >
: >Perhaps, but I couldn't get past the difficulty of imagining the guys
: >testicles -- and ONLY his testicles -- protruding from under the bed. I
: >mean, it just doesn't seem anatomically feasible.
: No offense, Pat, but you certainly seem to know how to suck the fun
: right out of a joke, don't you?
Now *there's* a vivid thought.
Roger A. Hunt
Oh, okay. I get it now.
This guy under the bed is the SAME guy in the space alien thread. You know,
he went home with the woman, and after they had sex and the woman was in
the bathroom, the space alien disappeared. Then the woman's husband came
home and saw some huge ALIEN testicles under the bed, started kicking them,
and the alien said (Marvin the Martian voice): "Ding Dong, Dammit! There
was supposed to be an Earth-shattering DING DONG!"
So. Now she is pregnant, huh? I can't wait.
CHRISTOPHER M SOUZA
> Dave Barry (da...@pro-entropy.cts.com) wrote:
> : I hate to burst anybody's balloon, but that is NOT the ding-dong joke that
> : slayed me and my fellow campers at Camp Minisink. Ours was WAY stupider.
>
You know, if you hadn't included that last part, I don't think we'd want to
know as bad...In fact, I'm SURE we're just as easy to amuse as your fellow
campers...:)
--Chris Souza
stu_c...@vax1.acs.jmu.edu
cso...@delphi.com
Pat Berry
>I suppose I could scan a churchbell or a closet if you really want one.
How about a churchbell *in* a closet? Preferably with lots of bat guano.
Dave would really like that; it would make him all nostalgic.
Let's ditch this joint.
--
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pat Berry, WA4OGK | Can't afford cable? Read a book.
Cary, North Carolina, USA |
-=- Team OS/2 -=- | -- Michael Schrage
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paul D. Burnam
gran...@news.delphi.com
>In article <Cny9A...@boi.hp.com>, Jack Parker wrote:
>> No but seriously, ever since I read that post the cat has taken on a whole
>At that time, I had never heard of a "swirly", and my twisted imagination
>could only interpret it in a manner which was entirely out of character
>for Cathy Guisewhite and her creation >;) My wife, however, knew what a
>"swirly" was and was disgusted by my filthy imagination. We spent the next
>five days doing an informal survey of our friends and co-workers from the
>DC area. Seems that only about 1/3 of them knew what a "swirly" was, and
>the rest assumed it meant the same thing I did. (Says a lot about our
>friends, I guess...)
>A week later, the Washington Post ran a quite sizable article discussing
>the uproar Cathy Guisewhite's comic caused. It seems that the term "swirly"
>And yes, for anybody who hasn't figured it out yet, a "swirly" is when you
>put someone's head in the toilet and flush. The toilet, that is.
>-- Jonathan Crawford
Ahhh. At college, we referred to that little delight as a "whirl". I'd
forgotten all about those (amazing what 14 years of hard core forgetting
will do to your memory).
Roger A. Hunt
Moise) says:
>
> That's good... endear yourself to Eric A. Seiden. Remember, he knows Dave,
>who has the capacity to embarass you in print.
I can testify that Eric is plenty capable of <*cough*> embarrassing you
his own self. And his threshold is WELL below 2,038 pieces of e-mail.
Just steal his Twinky out of his lunchbox at recess, and you'll see.
As for DAVE, he doesn't need to resort to anything so crude as print to
embarrass you. Last night Dave parked his Oscar Meyer Weinermobile
outside my apartment for FIVE hours straight, playing the "I Wish I
Were An Oscar Meyer Weiner" jingle over the PA system at full volume,
interspersed with occasional yells: "Hey! ROGER! Wanna go for a
RIDE? Wanna WEENIE?!"
This was embarrassing. Of course, Dave didn't know my neighborhood
before he showed up, so it was his turn to be embarrassed when all
four wheels and the battery were stolen off the Weinermobile. When
he went to report it to the police, they offered to sell the parts
back to him if they were recovered. When he got back to the Weiner-
mobile, the guys on the corner had sliced it up.
Dave hasn't been back since. However, I think Eric was flapping
around during the last full moon. Looking for his Twinkie, probably.
Andy Moise
: Perhaps, but I couldn't get past the difficulty of imagining the guys
: testicles -- and ONLY his testicles -- protruding from under the bed.
>Maybe he was a double amputee.
|> Or unusually well endowed.
> Wait a sec... You mean that is considered *unusual*? ;-)}
<rim shot>
Phil Veldhuis
>
> That's good... endear yourself to Eric A. Seiden. Remember, he knows Dave,
>who has the capacity to embarass you in print.
Hey, we're _all_ doing a pretty good job of embarassing ourselves in print
as it is.
--
------------oooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo-------------
Phil Veldhuis | "if something is not worth doing,
Winnipeg. MB, Canada | it is not worth doing right"
vel...@cc.umanitoba.ca | Dave Barry (1985)
CHRISTOPHER M SOUZA
> In article <CnyE9...@willamette.edu>,
> The Illustrious Brian W. Brown <bbr...@willamette.edu> wrote:
> >Kent Irwin <ir...@leland.stanford.edu> wrote:
> >>In article <1994Apr5.2...@pro-entropy.cts.com> Dave Barry,
> >>da...@pro-entropy.cts.com writes:
> >
> >>>I hate to burst anybody's balloon, but that is NOT the ding-dong joke that
> >>>slayed me and my fellow campers at Camp Minisink. Ours was WAY stupider.
> >
> >"Me and my fellow campers"??? This is too good to be true. I hate it
> >when people post spelling or grammar corrections, but when a Pulitzer-Prize
> >winning author posts and makes a mistake... (Sorry, Dave ;-)
>
> Actually, I'm sorry to tell you (and overjoyed to report) that
> there was no mistake in Dave's grammar. Would you prefer he say "that
> slayed my fellow campers and I"? That would be wrong. In this case
> 'me' is correct because the accusative of 'I' is required here.
> Geez, I can't beleive I remember that. I'm a chem major for
> heaven's sake! :-)
>
> [deletia]
>
OK, so how about "way stupider"? :) But that's not the point. Mr. Language
Person (tm) is NEVER wrong. We just always think we're right. :) Speaking of
Mr. Language Person (tm), what is the proper usage of "as it were"?
--Chris Souza
Eric A. Seiden
>Re: Re: Ding dong, dammit! Ding DONG!
>
>> I propose that, unless Mr. Barry posts the correct "Ding dong dammit!"
>>joke by, say, April 15, we all download and email him Woodrow Wilson's
>>Private Papers (or some other suitably long post available on the net).
>
>> Better: we mail him 2038 copies of the chuckletrowsers post. Mr. Bywater
>> can attest to the difficulties involved. And who can object to being sent
>> copies of your own personal*private* mail?
>
> That's good... endear yourself to Eric A. Seiden. Remember, he knows Dave,
>who has the capacity to embarass you in print.
It's amazing. I'm just some guy and everyone knows my name. Free fame on
the coattails (chuckletrousers?) of Dave Barry. I need this..... :)
Hehehehehehehe.....
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
[Call Pro-Entropy at 305-265-9073 for 24 hours a day of chaos at 14.4K]
Internet: dar...@Pro-Entropy.cts.com (Real Name: Eric A. Seiden)
Rec-Sports-Hockey official contact for **THE FLORIDA PANTHERS HOCKEY CLUB**
"Imagine there's no heaven; it's easy if you try." -- John Lennon
Eric A. Seiden
>Dave hasn't been back since. However, I think Eric was flapping
>around during the last full moon. Looking for his Twinkie, probably.
>
Pardon, a small correction. I am a vampyre. Please be accurate in your
flames. I thank you on behalf of the rest of my species.
-- Eric
Eric A. Seiden
>In article <0410199...@incircle.cscns.com> an...@incircle.cscns.com (Andy Moise) writes:
>>
>> That's good... endear yourself to Eric A. Seiden. Remember, he knows Dave,
>>who has the capacity to embarass you in print.
>
>Hey, we're _all_ doing a pretty good job of embarassing ourselves in print
>as it is.
My 15 minutes are up now. Thankyouverymuch :)
Roger A. Hunt
dar...@pro-entropy.cts.com (Eric A. Seiden) says:
>
>Roger A. Hunt <RA...@psuvm.psu.edu> writes:
>
>>Dave hasn't been back since. However, I think Eric was flapping
>>around during the last full moon. Looking for his Twinkie, probably.
>
>Pardon, a small correction. I am a vampyre. Please be accurate in your
>flames. I thank you on behalf of the rest of my species.
Ooooookaaaaaaayyyy. I'm beginning to put two and two and two and two
together here. This explains the fact that whenever I drop by the local
Kroger store to pick up my daily crate of Twinkies, the gooey white
filling inside has all been sucked out, leaving a <*sob*> hollow shell
of stale chocolate. It's Eric, the Twinkie Vampyre.
Of course, I have a few questions:
(1) Is it catching? Like, can I get it from reading your posts? What
about quoting them in follow-up posts?
(2) Do you know any Oreo Vampyres? (Will you introduce me?)
(3) How does it work with those new-type hot dog weenies? You know, the
ones with the cheez injected inside?
(4) Or the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile?
(5) What do you DO with the white filling, exactly? Is there a market
for the surplus? Filling waterbeds? Sunblock for your vampyre ?
colleagues? Contraceptive cream? (We always wondered about that
stuff, didn't we?)
(6) Have you been able to join the regular Vampyres' credit union? Did
you get a free sunlamp?
(7) What does a Twinkie look like on sonar? Can you describe it? In
detail? To Tom Clancy? Could you persuade Tom Clancy to write a
book about it, with several whole chapters devoted to an extremely
detailed description of how Twinkie Sonar works?
(8) Will this book sell mega-millions, and be made into a major motion
picture starring Tom Hanks, with Madonna as the Twinkie? Will
you appear in a cameo role, biting Madonna's neck? Is that a
good idea? I mean, really...?
(9) How do vampyres manage to stay up all night, anyway? Do you Twinkie
Vampyres hang out at Dunkin' Donuts, sucking filling out of the
Bavarian Creme donuts and drinking coffee? Chatting with the
cops? Do they let you play with the siren, sometimes?
(10) Most importantly: Does Dave know about your, ahhhh, hobby? Does
he care?
Next full moon is scheduled for April 25, according to my calendar. If
it shows up with all the filling sucked out, I'll know who to call.
Jack Parker
: Next full moon is scheduled for April 25, according to my calendar. If
: it shows up with all the filling sucked out, I'll know who to call.
Silly Roger, your thinking of werewolves. I thought all grown up, reasoning
adults who haved passed adolescence knew that werewolves did the full-moon
thing. Vamp(i/y)res do the non-daylight thing. So Eric could be out there
RIGHT NOW, well maybe if you lived in Australia, but he could drop by tonight.
If you really want to protect your twinkie I advise a sun-lamp. Radiate
that sucker with enough energy and NOBODY will ever be able to suck the
cream out of it again. Of course I understand that Hostess developed these
under an agreement with the DoD just so that there would be 'semi-edible'
food matter left over after a nuclear holocaust - so maybe a sun-lamp
won't help.
Hmmm, this brings to mind a slightly related topic. Since you and Eric appear
to be the twinkie kings - would you guys get together (or maybe apart) and
try the grape/sunflower_oil/microwave experiment with twinkies instead? For
that matter with Oreos. You can take turns replacing each element in that
list (grape/oil/mw) with the twinkies. Come to think of it - maybe this
is the answer to your dissertation needs. I can see it now:
Filling Propulsion: A Study Involving A Wide Variety Of Propelling Matter
Through A Wider Variety Of Viscous Substances Powered By Home Appliances.
Play your cards right and you can get the governemnt to fund it. You can even
claim that you need access to this august body (I refer of course to a.f.d.b)
for consultation. After all they DID fund the fellow to invent the jelly
which doesn't leak through bread. Who knows THE MAN himself might even
write you up. And of course you wouldn't have to worry anymore about getting
a real job. You might want to check - such a project might already be under
way.
Of course my favourite use for the microwave has always been cockroach
extermination. Just place the cockroach in the mw and set it to stun. In
under 15 seconds the cockroach will just dissappear! (warning you might
find the odd cockroach part hanging around the kitchen afterwards). I gather
this beams them into the 5th dimension where they play backup.
cheers
j.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Jack Parker |
Hewlett Packard, BSMC Boise, Idaho, USA| Oh No! I'm out of Starbucks
jpa...@hpbs3645.boi.hp.com | - panic - brain will not boot.
(208) 396-5388 (W) (208) 384-1623 (H) |
gran...@news.delphi.com
>In article <2ns7s9$n...@post-office.nevada.edu> pam...@nevada.edu (PAMELA CANTRELL) writes:
>>The funny thing about the ding dong dammit joke is that it happened during a
>>rehearsal/performance of Candide. Funny, I don't remember any doorbells in
>>the book--and besides, did they even have doorbells in the 18th century?
Oh come on: they certainly had bells in the 18th century, and you can ring
one without electricity (remember Quasimodo?).
John G. Skosnik
Jonathan Crawford <ark...@clark.net> wrote:
>
[snip]
>A week later, the Washington Post ran a quite sizable article discussing
>the uproar Cathy Guisewhite's comic caused. It seems that the term "swirly"
>from the Midwest.
>And yes, for anybody who hasn't figured it out yet, a "swirly" is when you
>put someone's head in the toilet and flush. The toilet, that is.
>
>-- Jonathan Crawford
>
student/parent meeting, where you could come and ask questions to the
teachers and principal. Some of us not-yet-seventh graders feared getting a
swirly from the ninth graders. One mom, who heard only vague references about
this, asked "what's a swirly? Is that some kind of dessert the cafeteria
serves?"
P.S. And the mom's son still had the courage to come to class! ;)
P.P.S. This took place in the Midwest.
--
_._
| / John G. Skosnik There are few problems which cannot be
| \| jsko...@nyx.cs.du.edu remedied by the strategic placement of
~ high explosives.
Jonathan Crawford
> Pardon, a small correction. I am a vampyre. Please be accurate in your
> flames. I thank you on behalf of the rest of my species.
Hmmm. Eric, you're not pulling a J. Edith Hoover on us, now are you?
Next thing you know, we'll be flaming you as a "vamp-pyre"...
-- Jonathan Crawford
(ducking for cover)
Heather Nicole Smith
>In article <1994Apr14....@pro-entropy.cts.com>,
>dar...@pro-entropy.cts.com (Eric A. Seiden) says:
>>
>>Roger A. Hunt <RA...@psuvm.psu.edu> writes:
>>
>>>Dave hasn't been back since. However, I think Eric was flapping
>>>around during the last full moon. Looking for his Twinkie, probably.
>>
>>Pardon, a small correction. I am a vampyre. Please be accurate in your
>>flames. I thank you on behalf of the rest of my species.
>
>Ooooookaaaaaaayyyy. I'm beginning to put two and two and two and two
>together here. This explains the fact that whenever I drop by the local
>Kroger store to pick up my daily crate of Twinkies, the gooey white
>filling inside has all been sucked out, leaving a <*sob*> hollow shell
>of stale chocolate. It's Eric, the Twinkie Vampyre.
^^^^^^^^^
Wait a minute here! Roger are you trying to tell me that when you think
Twinkies you think *CHOCOLATE* Twinkies???!!!! And *crates* of chocolate
Twinkies at that??!!! Whoa! I'm having to reconsider my world view here.
I would like to suggest that any Twinkie Vampyre worth his fangs would not
be caught undead sucking on chocolate twinkies. That's kid stuff! True
Twinkie Suckers of the Night suck regular Twinkies. I didn't realize that
there was a possible controversy on the matter but now that I realize I
think that I may have found an area of deep significance about which to
make up a dissertaion. I love the academic quality on this group!
--Heather
shs...@ocvaxa.cc.oberlin.edu
David Botteron
I see this thread has gone very far in my absence.
Several months back, I read this article in GREATEST HITS
and I posted here if anyone knew what the joke was, since the
article only gives the punchline and the camp-telling experience.
So, could someone either post the joke, Meredith's Version,
or Email it to me.
My sons are eager to hear what it is.
Thanks in advance.
.
Eric A. Seiden
ark...@clark.net (Jonathan Crawford) writes:
>In article <1994Apr14....@pro-entropy.cts.com>, Eric A. Seiden wrote:
>> Pardon, a small correction. I am a vampyre. Please be accurate in your
> ^^^^^^^
>> flames. I thank you on behalf of the rest of my species.
>
>Hmmm. Eric, you're not pulling a J. Edith Hoover on us, now are you?
>Next thing you know, we'll be flaming you as a "vamp-pyre"...
>
You may spell it however you like. I'm still a blood-sucking SOB :)
So if you flame, me you may do so with any spelling that pleases you. Now,
back to our regularly scheduled feed: "Interview With A Booger"
Kristina Lindberg
: So if you flame, me you may do so with any spelling that pleases you. Now,
: back to our regularly scheduled feed: "Interview With A Booger"
So, what do boogers say in interviews? Has Dave ever interviewed one?
Kristina Lindberg
lind...@cs.uidaho.edu
|-----------------------------------------------------
| "A friend of mine owed me money and wouldn't pay. |
| I wrote him a check for a negative amount." |
------------------------------------------------------
Antoinette P. Burnham
the proper usage of "as it were" to be as a paperweight.
:* :* :* :* :* :* :* :* :* :* :* :* :* :* :* :* :* :* :* :* :* :*
Toni Burnham
Publications Guru
CFS/The World Bank Email abur...@worldbank.org
These comments are my own and are unlikely to resemble those of my
employer.
Eric A. Seiden
>Eric A. Seiden (dar...@pro-entropy.cts.com) wrote:
>
>: So if you flame, me you may do so with any spelling that pleases you. Now,
>: back to our regularly scheduled feed: "Interview With A Booger"
>
>
>So, what do boogers say in interviews? Has Dave ever interviewed one?
>
If anyone has interviewed a booger, I am sure it was Dave.
Todd D. Taft
David Botteron <David.A....@tek.com> wrote:
>.
>I see this thread has gone very far in my absence.
>Several months back, I read this article in GREATEST HITS
>and I posted here if anyone knew what the joke was, since the
>article only gives the punchline and the camp-telling experience.
>So, could someone either post the joke, Meredith's Version,
>or Email it to me.
>My sons are eager to hear what it is.
>Thanks in advance.
OK, here are the three versions of the Ding dong joke that got posted
to a.f.d_b: I edited out some of the non-story material from each of
these posts. As far as I know, the only one Dave has commented on is
version 1, and that was to say it wasn't his ding dong, dammit! joke.
--Todd "Lurker of Late" Taft
**********************************************************************
* VERSION 1 *
**********************************************************************
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dave_barry
From: j...@netcom.com (John Switzer)
Subject: Re: Ding dong, dammit! Ding DONG!
Message-ID: <jrsCnr...@netcom.com>
Organization: Netcom Online Communications Services (408-241-9760 login: guest)
Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 04:07:40 GMT
Okay, okay, you want it, you've got it - here's the fabled Ding Dong joke.
The local theater group was putting on "Candide," but being low budget,
they couldn't afford a real prop man until the dress rehearsals. So the
minor players had to fill in where they could, which included simulating
the door bell for the big entrance scene in the third act. The director
was a very particular soul and gave very particular directions as to how
the scene should be handled.
On the first run-thru of the scene, everything was going fine, until
the big entrance scene - then what should happen but when the doorbell was
pressed but the minor actor shouted "Ding, ding! Ding, ding!" The director
angrily stopped the rehearsal, and told the miscreant to reread
his script and do it right. They started the scene again, but once more,
when the big entrace scene came, the door bell produced only "ding, ding!
ding, ding!" This happened several times, with the director getting
more and more furious, until he, screaming at the top of his lungs,
finally shouted "Ding, dong, damnit! Ding, dong!"
The minor actor, suitably embarassed and chastened, sheepishly went
back to his post and prepared for the scene. Thus it was that when the
big doorbell scene came along, everyone in the studio heard "Ding, dong,
damnit! Ding Dong!"
(Hey, you expect a joke that put a young Dave Barry into a riotous
coma to be funny?)
--
John Switzer | "Life is anything that dies when you stomp
| on it."
CompuServe: 74076,1250 | --Dave Barry
Internet: j...@netcom.com |
**********************************************************************
* VERSION #2 *
**********************************************************************
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dave_barry
From: myde...@amoco.com (Meredith Y. Denton)
Subject: Re: Ding dong, dammit! Ding DONG!
Message-ID: <1994Apr4.0...@amoco.com>
Organization: Amoco Corporation
Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 07:22:32 CDT
I'm sorry....this honestly was not an April Fool's joke; I just
assumed that everyone but me had already heard it. So anyway,
apologies again, and here goes:
This woman has her lover over one afternoon for a wild and
crazy love session and they're really getting after it when
all of the sudden, they hear a car door slam outside the house.
Fearing it's her husband, the man leaps out of bed, scrambling
desperately for a hiding place, while the woman tries to make
it look like she was just taking a mid-afternoon nap. Her lover
finally dives under the bed just in the nick of time...the
woman's husband comes storming in the room and demands to
know what's going on. "Why nothing dear, I was just napping!"
she replies, with her best innocent look. "All right then,
what the hell are these?" he rages. To her horror, she realizes
that her lover's testicles are visible underneath the bed.
"Umm, uh, those are just some bells to hang on the Christmas
tree" she stumbles. Her husband starts kicking them with his
boot and she shrieks, "What are you doing?!?" to which he
replies, "Well if these are bells, goddamn it, I want to hear
them ring." A muffled voice then comes from under the bed, "Ding
dong, dammit. Ding DONG!"
This is the first time I've repeated the joke since it was
told to me. I hope I did it justice.
Meredith
**********************************************************************
* VERSION 3 *
**********************************************************************
From: ledw...@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Laura E Mendyke)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dave_barry
Subject: Re: Ding dong, dammit! Ding DONG!
Date: 6 Apr 1994 13:47:41 GMT
Organization: Massachusetts Institute of Technology
Message-ID: <2nueht$p...@senator-bedfellow.MIT.EDU>
Apologies if this has been said already and just hasn't shown up at my
site yet but...
Isn't there something missing here? If I remember Dave's original
column correctly, the "ding dong" joke, quote, "involves marital
infidelity and a closet." Meredith's joke certainly involves marital
infidelity, but I fail to see how a closet could be incorporated
(well, I *can*, but it would be difficult...).
I've always assumed the joke was one I vaguely remember from years
ago, in which, like the other joke, the husband comes home
unexpectedly, and the wife's lover hides in the closet. Then the wife
tries to get the husband out of the room, so that her lover can make
his escape out the window, by pretending that she hears the doorbell
ringing:
Wife: Oh, honey, I think I hear the doorbell. Could you check
for me?
Husband: I didn't hear anything.
Wife: Hmm... (under breath) Ding dong... (brightly) There,
I'm sure I heard it that time. Could you just go see who
it is?
Husband: You must be hearing things. The doorbell didn't ring.
Wife: (slightly louder) There it is again. Don't you hear it?
Husband: That wasn't the doorbell. The doorbell's louder than that.
Voice from closet: Ding dong, dammit! Ding DONG!
I agree, however, that Meredith's version of the joke would be more
likely to crack kids up...
Cheers,
Laura Mendyke
ledw...@mit.edu
(who really should be making better use of her time...)
--
Todd D. Taft ta...@cs.unc.edu
WWW: http://www.cs.unc.edu/~taft todd...@unc.edu
U.N.C. Department of Computer Science Student Facilities Staff
Douglas Buckser
>So, what do boogers say in interviews? Has Dave ever interviewed one?
I've found his booger interviews very draining. A booger thinks
it nose everything and generally escapes any hairy situation.
Frankly, the interviews get right up my nose.
Doug
Lisa Edberg
>Ooooookaaaaaaayyyy. I'm beginning to put two and two and two and two
>together here. This explains the fact that whenever I drop by the local
>Kroger store to pick up my daily crate of Twinkies, the gooey white
>filling inside has all been sucked out, leaving a <*sob*> hollow shell
>of stale chocolate. It's Eric, the Twinkie Vampyre.
^^^^^^^^^
chocolate??? I think you mean sponge cake. If your twinkies have chocolate,
you are eating CHOCODILES, which are chocolate coated (smaller) twinkies.
God forbid you have confused Twinkies with Suzy-Q's or Ho-Ho's
>Of course, I have a few questions:
..all good ones, might I add. Such mysteries will baffle science for ages.
But I have one my own regarding the greatest controversy ever about twinkies.
I must warn you that a difference in opinion over this question NEARLY
DESTROYED MY MARRIAGE! I hope the ensuing debate in this forum does not cause
a regrettable incident.
Which orientation is the proper way to hold a twinkie? Which way should it be
served on a plate?
I vote Spots Up, to keep from wasting the filling. My husband insists on
Spots Down.
Can this marriage be saved???
Lisa
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
edb...@eden.rutgers.edu
It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye.
Edward Rice
LE> Which orientation is the proper way to hold a twinkie? Which way
LE> should it be served on a plate? I vote Spots Up, to keep from wasting
LE> the filling. My husband insists on Spots Down. Can this marriage be
LE> saved???
Spots down. Spots down. You're wrong. Your husband is right. No. Are there
any other questions?