Dave Barry & Dan Quayle (again)
Maddi Hausmann
comments. An earlier discussion on this group speculated whether
Barry disliked Clinton more than Bush and our Hero, Quayle. To
illustrate my contention that Daves loves to whomp on B/Q as
much as we do, here are the political excerpts from the column.
JANUARY
1 -- In the White House, George Bush, during a high-level discussion
of possible U.S. responses to a strike by cork harvesters in Portugal,
glances out the Oval Office window and notices that the darned U.S.
economy is STILL in trouble. He vows to write a stern note to his
economic advisers, Wayne and Garth, just as soon as he gets back from
the upcoming meeting of The Six or Seven Top World Leaders Club, at
which they are expected to agree, after two years of negotiations, on a
secret handshake. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton -- a virtual unknown on the
national scene, despite the fact that he has been governor of Arkansas
since he was 17 -- arrives in New Hampshire with a truck containing 957
separate eight-point policies, a 55-gallon drum of nasal decongestant
and enough hair spray to immobilize the Brazilian rain forest.
8 -- President Bush flies to Japan accompanied by 237 high-level
aides, 322 leading U.S. business executives, 517 journalists, 856
security personnel, the first lady, 26 grandchildren and both White
House dogs. Left behind, tragically, is the black briefcase containing
the presidential Pepto-Bismol.
10 -- In Tokyo, President Bush scores an economic coup as the Japanese
government, under intense pressure to open its doors to U.S. imports,
agrees to purchase a 1992 Chevrolet Caprice. At a formal dinner hosted
by the prime minister, the president formalizes the agreement by
performing the ceremonial Ralph of Friendship.
22 -- The New Hampshire primary campaign is thrown into an uproar when
the major news media, having vowed to focus on The Issues, give
extensive coverage to allegations by Gennifer Flowers in a supermarket
tabloid that, over a 12-year period, she and Bill Clinton repeatedly met
in secret to discuss his program for national health insurance.
24 -- An estimated 750 journalists attend an emotional press
conference at which Gennifer Flowers plays a tape recording of a man,
whom she identifies as Bill Clinton, revealing intimate details of his
position on federal alfalfa subsidies.
26 -- In the most surprising Super Bowl finish in the game's 27-year
history, the Washington Redskins and the Buffalo Bills agree to stop
playing in the third quarter so they can watch Bill and Hillary Clinton
discuss their marriage on ``60 Minutes.''
FEBRUARY
7 -- President Bush, responding to allegations that his use of the
potent sleeping-pill Halcion has caused him to act erratically, angrily
tells reporters that they are ``big Methodist spiders.''
11 -- In New Hampshire, Bill Clinton's character comes under further
scrutiny when the news media obtain a 1969 photograph showing him
reporting for a draft physical wearing a dress.
18 -- President Bush's political vulnerability is exposed brutally in
the New Hampshire primary balloting when he finishes just barely ahead
of Pat Buchanan, and 47 points behind Mrs. Bush.
20 -- Appearing on ``Larry King Live,'' H. Ross Perot announces that
if his supporters put him on the ballot in all 50 states, he will have
them all investigated.
MARCH
1 -- Pat Buchanan wins the Austrian primary.
3 -- Business and academic professionals around the world are gripped
by panic following dire warnings from numerous experts that tens of
thousands of computers could be infected with the dread Michelangelo
virus, set to strike on March 6.
4 -- A grim President Bush places U.S. armed forces on Full Red Alert
in preparation for the expected onslaught of the dread Michelangelo
virus.
10 -- Jerry Brown wins the Disneyland primary.
30 -- Bill Clinton, wooing the weenie vote, says he tried marijuana,
but was unable to inhale.
APRIL
6 -- True Item: The ceremonial first pitch of the 1992 baseball
season, thrown by President Bush in Baltimore's new stadium, lands in
the dirt.
9 -- Great Britain elects an entire new government following a
campaign that took less time, total, than U.S. politicians will need,
later in the year, to agree on a debate format.
10 -- The Bush administration proposes legislation to shorten the
distance between the pitcher's mound and home plate.
12 -- In a triumph for the Bush administration following the U.S.
invasion of Panama and a trial costing millions of dollars, a Miami jury
convicts Manuel Noriega on charges of receiving stolen buttons.
13 -- Ross Perot announces that the country is all messed up, but that
he has ordered a plan to fix everything and will reveal it just as soon
as he takes delivery. His polls soar.
14 -- Bill Clinton's political strategists, concerned that Hillary
could be hurting the campaign by appearing to harbor opinions, enroll
her in the Donna Reed Housewife Rehabilitation Clinic, where she is
confined to the much-feared Heloise Unit.
15 -- True Item: President and Mrs. Bush's tax returns are made
public, revealing that in 1991 the President made $2,718 in royalties
for his autobiography, whereas First Dog Millie made $889,176 for hers.
18 -- A closer inspection of the Bush tax return shows a business
deduction for $457,756 worth of ``chew toys.''
29 -- Riots erupt in Los Angeles after residents obtain an advance
copy of the ``Murphy Brown'' script in which she becomes an unwed mother.
MAY
5 -- Ross Perot's poll ratings surge again after he announces that his
plan to fix the country finally did arrive, but had to be sent back
because of a faulty binding. Hillary Clinton, newly released from a
successful treatment at the Donna Reed Housewife Rehabilitation Clinic,
declares that the No. 1 concern of the public is ``closet space.''
18 -- Halcion gets a clean bill of health when a Food and Drug
Administration panel reports that the controversial drug ``poses
absolutely no threat to the little talking harmonicas that live in your
nose.''
20 -- In a major policy address, Dan Quayle points out that Dumbo's
mom was unwed, thereby touching off riots in four major cities.
22 -- At the White House, Dan Quayle is bitten by Millie, best-
selling author and unwed mother.
JUNE
3 -- Bill Clinton, seeking to improve his image among young voters,
goes on ``The Arsenio Hall Show'' and, after donning a pair of dark
sunglasses, smokes a joint.
10 -- Doubts arise concerning Ross Perot's claim to be a Washington
``outsider'' after The New York Times reports that the Dallas
billionaire owns the Smithsonian Institution, the Lincoln Memorial and
an estimated 53 percent interest in the House of Representatives. New
``Tonight Show'' host Jay Leno welcomes special guest George Bush, who
seeks to improve his image among younger voters by performing ``Smoke on
the Water'' on the ukulele.
13 -- Ross Perot, appearing on the David Letterman show, wows young
voters with a rendition of ``Stairway to Heaven'' on a nose flute.
15 -- President Bush's brain trust, seeking some positive press
coverage, shrewdly decides to send the President to Panama, where he is
welcomed by happy natives who stage an enthusiastic welcoming
demonstration until they are driven off by tear gas.
17 -- Seeking to boost the sagging U.S. humor industry, Vice President
Quayle gives a spelling lesson.
27 -- Ross Perot, angered by allegations of former campaign staff
members that he pried into their private lives, threatens to release
photographs of them naked. Education Vice President Quayle explains to a
Detroit high-school science class that airplanes can fly because of
``big bees in the wings.''
JULY
1 -- With the economy mired in a recession and Democrats preparing to
nominate a highly skilled campaigner in Bill Clinton, Republican Party
strategists realize that their only realistic hope for guaranteeing
George Bush's re-election is to mess up Ross Perot's daughter's wedding.
10 -- Bill Clinton, in a shrewd tactical move designed to woo the
crucial department-store-mannequin vote, picks Al Gore as his running
mate.
14 -- In New York, delegates to the Democratic Convention, sensing a
chance for victory after 12 years out of power, roar with approval when
a passionate Mario Cuomo declares that he ``might still be available.''
16 -- Ross Perot, sacrificing personal gratification to save the
nation from the devastation that would inevitably result from the
international conspiracy to mess up his daughter's wedding, announces
that he does not wish to be president, forcing many of his followers to
turn to their second choice, the Rev. Sun Myung Moon. The surprise
announcement sends a wave of elation through the Democratic convention
in New York, where new nominee Bill Clinton, launching into his
acceptance speech, boldly declares that he loves his mom.
17 -- Increasingly suspicious U.N. arms inspectors observe as Iraqi
dictator Saddam Hussein, visiting a street market, purchases a 17-foot-
long ``zucchini'' clearly labeled ``50 megatons.'' A grim-faced
President Bush threatens to ``send troops partway to Baghdad, then order
them to stop.'' In New York, Bill Clinton nears the halfway mark in his
acceptance speech.
18 -- Bill Clinton concludes his acceptance speech and sets out on a
bus tour of the Heartland with Al Gore, whose body is unable to bend
enough to fit in the bus seats, so his aides just stick him up on the
luggage rack, still in a waving position.
AUGUST
18 -- As the Republican Party, facing an uphill fight, gathers in
Houston for a crucial convention, millions of issues-conscious American
voters focus their full attention on Woody Allen and Mia Farrow.
19 -- Pat Buchanan gives the Bush-Quayle ticket a nice boost,
appealing to a broad spectrum of Americans with a speech entitled,
``Vote For Us; We're Better Than You.''
20 -- At the Republican Convention, it's Traditional Family
Values night, as delegates burn a suspected witch.
21 -- In a widely praised speech accepting his renomination, President
Bush, showing a new awareness of the task ahead, pledges to ``think up
some programs or something.'' Hillary Clinton challenges Barbara Bush to
a bake-off.
22 -- Vice President Quayle, shrewdly stealing a page from the
Democrats' strategy, embarks on an Oscar Meyer Weinermobile Tour of the
Heartland.
23 -- In politics, representatives of the Bush and Clinton camps
begin negotiating the bake-off format.
27 -- In politics, bake-off negotiations are stalled when the Clinton
camp rejects a proposed all-cookie format; a spokesperson argues that
``there has to be pie representation.''
SEPTEMBER
1 -- President Bush, in a move that his aides stress has nothing to do
with electoral votes, announces plans to build a major naval base in
Illinois.
9 -- In a political scandal that the Bush administration can ill
afford, newspapers report that a State Department political appointee
has improperly used the Freedom of Information Act to obtain and
distribute crucial information concerning Hillary Clinton's brownie
ingredients. Bake-off negotiations collapse.
28 -- The political world is thrown into an uproar when Ross Perot,
having thwarted the intergalactic plot to mess up his daughter's
wedding, hints he may re-enter the presidential race. He invites Bush
and Clinton campaign officials to visit him and indicate their views by
spelling out words with their tongues on his shoes.
30 -- Political observers begin to suspect that something is afoot
when Ross Perot, in what a spokesperson describes as ``merely a gesture
of appreciation, with no strings attached,'' donates $750 million to the
Electoral College.
OCTOBER
1 -- Bill Clinton, wooing voters without lives, appears on
``As the World Turns.''
2 -- Ross Perot re-enters the presidential race, pledging to ``clean
up this mess in Washington'' and ``get these tiny CIA computers out of
my teeth.'' President Bush appears on the Home Shopping Network.
5 -- After more than a month of on-again, off-again negotiations, a
debate format is finally agreed upon, and all four major news networks
interrupt their prime-time programming to present the first of four
scheduled prime-time confrontations between Mia Farrow and Woody Allen.
10 -- True item: The Associated Press reports that a West Virginia man
who had been drinking beer decided to clean three handguns, and wound up
shooting himself in the foot THREE TIMES. He is immediately hired to
direct strategy for the Bush campaign.
13 -- In the first of four presidential debates, Bill Clinton promises
to increase spending for jobs, education, health care, the environment,
the infrastructure, the outfrastructure and parking, while at the same
time reducing the deficit and cutting taxes for the middle class. Bush
says Clinton is a bozo. Ross Perot says it's time to cut bait and talk
turkey. All three candidates perform well in the Swimsuit Competition.
16 -- The three major vice-presidential candidates debate. Here is the
complete transcript: ``MY turn!'' ``No, MINE!'' ``What?'' ``Doodyhead!''
``Weiner brain!'' ``Where am I?'' ``ARE TOO!'' ``AM NOT!'' ``What's
going on?'' ``Liar liar pants on fire!'' ``Nanny nanny boo-boo!'' ``Who
are these people?''
19 -- In the second presidential debate, Bill Clinton promises to
increase spending on the inner cities, suburbs, rural areas, the
wilderness, the ozone layer and the asteroid belt, while at the same
time eliminating government waste and heart disease. George Bush says
Clinton is a communist whoremonger. Ross Perot says you have to bale hay
while the tractor is warm.
23 -- In the third presidential debate, Bill Clinton promises to give
every single voter a briefcase full of money, then clean the voter's
garage, while at the same time fighting cavities and saving Bambi's mom
from the hunters. George Bush says that Clinton is Satan. Ross Perot
says you can't feed grits to a dead hog.
26 -- In the fourth and final presidential debate, Bill Clinton
promises to give voters a magic pill that will enable them to live
forever while at the same time never suffering from hair loss. George
Bush bites Clinton on the leg. Ross Perot says it takes two snakes to
cross a puddle. A post-debate poll of prospective voters shows that the
majority of them believe the Braves should have used their relief
pitchers more.
29 -- Bill Clinton loses his voice and stops talking. He surges in the
polls.
NOVEMBER
5 -- In post-election activity, President Bush, insisting that he is
``not bitter at all,'' orders the missile cruiser Cowpens to fire a
strike against his own campaign headquarters. Meanwhile, Clinton,
speaking in sign language, indicates that he may not be able to
IMMEDIATELY fulfill all of his campaign promises, but he does expect,
within the first 100 days, to ask Congress to declare National Reed
Instruments Week.
6 -- News analysts, bored to death, declare that the Clinton
presidency has failed.
8 -- Clinton is plunged into the first major controversy of his failed
presidency when top-level military officials object to his plan to
eliminate the armed forces' long-standing policy against admitting
people who have good haircuts.
10 -- The failed Clinton presidency faces yet another crisis, this
time a potential trade war that looms when France, in negotiations over
the General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade, defiantly rejects a U.S.
demand that the French Ministry of Agriculture stop subsidizing escargot
ranchers.
16 -- Bill Clinton angrily defends his choice of Vernon Jordan as
transition chief, claiming that Jordan's ties to the tobacco industry
will have ``no effect'' on Cabinet appointments. In the worsening Trade
War, Hillary Clinton, taking a more aggressive role now that the
election is over, orders the missile cruiser Cowpens to fire a strike
against the French wine tanker LeSnot.
19 -- Clinton names Joe the Camel as secretary of agriculture.
20 -- The trade war ends with a total French capitulation after
Hillary threatens to place a 300 percent export duty on Jerry Lewis
movies.
DECEMBER
1 -- What begins as a friendly transitional get-together between the
Bushes and Clintons ends in tragedy when Millie ralphs up what is later
identified as Socks the cat.
19 -- In a surprise Cabinet move, Bill Clinton appoints Gennifer
Flowers as secretary of human affairs.
24 -- Reaching across party lines, Bill Clinton appoints Orrin Hatch as
Proctologist General.
31 -- Meanwhile, bands of white men in dark suits are converging on New
Hampshire to begin laying the groundwork for their bids for the 1996
presidential primary. Fortunately, however, serious campaigning is not
expected to begin until next week.
________________________
So, do you think Barry has it in for Clinton? I think he
was far harsher to Bush (what an out-of-touch loser wimp)
and Quayle (what a maroon), then Clinton (what a wonk).
--
Maddi Hausmann mad...@netcom.com
Humorist, Satirist, Tech Writer. Take your pick.
Centigram Communications Corp, San Jose California 408/428-3553