The two biggest stories this week are WikiLeaks' continued
publication of classified government documents, which did
untold damage to America's national security interests,
and the Democrats' fanatical determination to repeal
"don't ask, don't tell" and allow gays to serve openly
in the military.
The mole who allegedly gave WikiLeaks the mountains of
secret documents is Pfc. Bradley Manning, Army
intelligence analyst and angry gay.
We've heard 1 billion times about the Army translator
who just wanted to serve his country, but was cashiered
because of whom he loved.
I'll see your Army translator and raise you one
According to Bradley's online chats, he was in "an
awkward place" both "emotionally and psychologically."
So in a snit, he betrayed his country by orchestrating
the greatest leak of classified intelligence in U.S.
Isn't that in the Army Code of Conduct? You must follow
orders at all times. Exceptions will be made for
servicemen in an awkward place. Now, who wants a hug?
Waitress! Three more apple-tinis!"
According to The New York Times, Bradley sought "moral
support" from his "self-described drag queen" boyfriend.
Alas, he still felt out of sorts. So why not sell out
In an online chat with a computer hacker, Bradley said
he lifted the hundreds of thousands of classified
documents by pretending to be listening to a CD labeled
"Lady Gaga." Then he acted as if he were singing along
with her hit song "Telephone" while frantically
downloading classified documents.
I'm not a military man, but I think singing along to
Lady Gaga would constitute "telling" under "don't ask,
Do you have to actually wear a dress to be captured by
the Army's "don't ask, don't tell" dragnet?
What constitutes being "openly" gay now? Bringing a spice
rack to basic training? Attending morning drills decked
out as a Cher impersonator? Following Anderson Cooper on
Also, U.S. military, have you seen a picture of Bradley
Manning? The photo I've seen is only from the waist up,
but you get the feeling that he's wearing butt-less chaps
underneath. He looks like a guy in a soldier costume at
the Greenwich Village Halloween parade.
With any luck, Bradley's court-martial will be gayer than a
Liza Minelli wedding. It could be the first court-martial
in U.S. history to feature ice sculptures and a "Wizard of
Oz"-themed gazebo. "Are you going to Bradley's court-martial?
I hear Patti LaBelle is going to sing!"
Maybe there's a reason gays have traditionally been kept
out of the intelligence services, apart from the fact that
closeted gay men are easy to blackmail. Gays have always
been suspicious of that rationale and perhaps they're
The most damaging spies in British history were the
Cambridge Five, also called "the "Magnificent Five":
Kim Philby, Guy Burgess, Anthony Blunt, Donald Maclean
and John Cairncross. They were highly placed members
of British intelligence, all secretly working for the
The only one who wasn't gay was Philby. Burgess and
Blunt were flamboyantly gay. Indeed, the Russians set
Burgess up with a boyfriend as soon as he defected to
the Soviet Union.
The Magnificent Five's American compatriot Michael
Straight was -- ironically -- bisexual, as was Whittaker
Chambers, at least during the period that he was a spy.
And of course, there's David Brock.
So many Soviet spies were gay that, according to
intelligence reporter Phillip Knightley, the
Comintern was referred to as "the Homintern." (I
would have called it the "Gay G.B.")
Bradley's friends told the Times they suspected "his
desperation for acceptance -- or delusions of grandeur"
may have prompted his document dump.
Let's check our "Gay Profile at a Glance" and ... let's
see ... desperate for acceptance ... delusions of
grandeur ... yep, they're both on the gay subset list!
Obviously, the vast majority of gays are loyal
Americans -- and witty and stylish to boot! But a small
percentage of gays are going to be narcissistic hothouse
flowers like Bradley Manning.
Couldn't they just work for JetBlue? America would be a
lot safer right now if gays in an "awkward place"
psychologically could do no more damage than grabbing a
couple of beers and sliding down the emergency chute.
Look at the disaster one gay created under our punishing
"don't ask, don't tell" policy. What else awaits America
with the overturning of a policy that was probably put
there for a reason (apart from being the only thing Bill
Clinton ever did that I agreed with)?
Liberals don't care. Their approach is to rip out
society's foundations without asking if they serve
Why do we have immigration laws? What's with these
borders? Why do we have the institution of marriage,
anyway? What do we need standardized tests for? Hey,
I like Keith Richards -- why not make heroin legal?
Let's take a sledgehammer to all these load-bearing
walls and just see what happens!
For liberals, gays in the military is a win-win
proposition. Either gays in the military works, or
it wrecks the military, both of which outcomes they
But since you brought up gays in the military,
liberals, let's talk about Bradley Manning. He
apparently released hundreds of thousands of
classified government documents as a result of
being a gay man in "an awkward place."
Any discussion of "don't ask, don't tell" should
begin with Bradley Manning. Live by the sad anecdote,
die by the sad anecdote.