ABSTRACT: 3/20/96

[Dave Mackey]

LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN #567 3/20/96

ANNOUNCER: Spring is coming and soon I'll be alone. Take my advice
and don't ever fall in love with a traveling sideshow carny!

MONOLOGUE
---------
-Kato Kaelin is suing two tabloids for making phony claims. One claimed
he was an actor, and another said he had a place to live.

-In Budapest, an 80-year-old woman died after falling into a vat of
sauerkraut. The wake was yesterday. It was open bun.

(Audience boos this joke.)

-Michael Jackson announced he's opening a chain of theme parks. You have
to be this tall to ride Michael. (holds hand at his waist)

(The third joke: just a wave of love.)

Tonight: George Carlin, Jon Cryer, Robert Schimmel

WALKOVER MUSIC: "All The Way From Memphis"

Chatter: Andy's new haircut is discussed.

Pansies Welcome Spring: at the library, the garment district. The pansies
wear a big flower around their head and black body suits and prance
around.

DESK BIT
--------
With the coming of SAT season, Conan presents a drill on Analogies. Andy
tries to answer them.

-Hair:Dennis Rodman::Skin:Michael Jackson

-Hands:Gloves::Horse Trainers:Princess Diana

-Cleanliness:Godliness::Bob Dole:Death

-Kryptonite:Superman::Food:Kate Moss

-Cars:Air Bags::Pamela Lee:Air Bags

-Jodie Foster:John Hinckley::Conan O'Brien:That Guy (audience member is
shown. COB: "That guy is the happiest stalker I've ever seen.")

-Peach Fuzz:A Peach::Mold:A Mafia Snitch Left In A Trunk Of A Car On A
Hot Summer's Day In Miami

-Addict:Cocaine::Abe Vigoda:Yahtzee (Abe is shown rolling Yahtzee dice.)

-Einstein:Theory Of Relativity::Michael Bolton:Theory Of Suckability

(BUMPER: Max at drums)
(COMMERCIAL)
(BUMPER: COB and AR from behind)

GUEST: George Carlin (HBO special: "George Carlin, Back In Town")
(Walk on music: "New York New York (A Wonderful Town)"

This is GC's first time on LNWCOB. "First day of spring. Saw my first
robin, frozen to a tree." GC wonders why Johnny Air Horn isn't on the
show. "I haven't vomited in so many years I forgot it was St. Patrick's
Day." Hard to keep track of parade when it's on a weekend. Played in high
school band. The object was to get to 86th Street so you could get to
Third Avenue so you could sneak off to the dark bars. COB notes that St.
Patrick's day has gotten insane with body painting and running around
naked. Went to same high school as Martin Scorsese and Regis Philbin
(Cardinal Hayes H.S.). Then went to G.W. and played six months of hookey.
COB asks about the Seven Dirty Words. Have the words gone away? George
says the words in succession and is bleeped on all of them. GC notes that
Ted Koppel would show people swearing but would not print it on the
transcript on the bottom of the screen. You can say "pissed off" (David
Letterman was doing it last night) but you can't say "p----d on". And all
you've changed is the preposition!

BUMPER: (audience from back)
COMMERCIAL:
BUMPER: (Panning shot of audience and band. Love Man and LaBamba are
singing.)

GUEST: George Carlin continued

Buchanan interests GC because "I want to see his neck explode." Same
reason he was fascinated with former Bears coach Mike Ditka. "I like
disasters. I'm fond of big explosions. When I hear the CNN Breaking News
theme, I'm there. The bigger the explosion, the better....I always wish it
happened during rush hour... I lost all faith in the species and my
nation's culture - I got a divorce..." On comics who suggest solutions to
world problems: "If you think there's a solution, you're a part of the
problem." Wants a comet to come through the ozone layer. Loves people,
except in groups. "We have to get back to the ferrets. The only hope."

BUMPER: (logo painted on floor)
COMMERCIAL:
BUMPER: (Batman villains; Conan is the Joker)

The heroic Scotsmen bring out the index card with the guest lineup.

SCOTSMAN: Good day to you Conan O'Brien. I come to you with my lads. The
bravest men in all of Scotland. Understand, O'Brien, that they will lay
down their lives for you. They will die for which is right.
COB: I don't want anyone to die. I just want the blue card with tomorrow
night's guests.
SCOTSMAN: I see. Still frettin' about your blue card, O'Brien? You've
proven me a fool. I thought all these months would bring a change in you.
I thought you might have become a man, ready to fight wi' us against the
English dogs, instead of remaining a tiny baby, loading your diaper with
the turds of fear. Whether you stand wi' us or not, victory is finally
within our grasp. We have stood firm against the English oppressors. And
driven our staves and broadswords into their cowardly bellies. The highest
peaks of the Kangol mountains sing their praises as the bravest men in all
of Bonnie Scotland! I'd also like to take a moment to thank the Academy,
and my mother and father, who always believed in this project. And my
agent, Brenda Bierbaum at ICM. And all the others who gave their lives to
make fair Scotland forever free! (Clips from Braveheart are shown; one
clip from Babe is thrown in.) That pig is a sneaky one. I both respect and
fear him.
COB: So just give me the blue index card.
SCOTSMAN: Read it, and read it well. For on the morrow, we die!

TOMORROW: Norm McDonald, Richard E. Grant, WWF champion Gold Dust

BUMPER: (Scotsmen tilt with pig outside studio)
COMMERCIAL:
BUMPER: (audience from rear)

Pansies Welcome Spring: at St. Patrick's Cathedral, in Times Square.

GUEST: Jon Cryer (Partners)

JC was at the airport in Atlanta on a tram built during the "Logan's Run"
era of modern architecture. Saw someone "pull a duckie" through eight
layers of transparent car. Points and silently screams. He did some Spring
Break stuff for MTV. Bumpy flight down to Florida. Drinks were coming out
of the cups retaining the shape on the cup then going back in slightly
askew so that some would spill. COB says it's pathetic when 32-year-old
guys cruise Spring break. Spring Break on St. Patrick's Day: "Panama City
was just awash." Actually they were well behaved. Went to Bible classes
and played lots of Yahtzee (Abe Vigoda was there). Ratio is five guys to
each girl. Big bruiser guys. COB: "These are guys who get off the plane
holding kegs under each arm." JC was asked to the opening of Toontown in
Disneyland. Since he had no kids he brought his most childish friend
Richard, who loves the rides. It's a weird nostalgia for an America that
never actually was. Got to meet Princess Jasmine, who's pretty hot. A
Disney handler says, "You're going to be in the parade now." What do you
do in a parade? They get to ride with King Louie from "The Jungle Book."
There are "Disney Gestapo" all along the parade route. "They're there to
throw you out if you have a hole in your je ans." JC took the parade time
to try to re-enact the Kennedy assassination. King Louie said, "You guys
don't get out much, do you?" Cryer turned down the role of Chandler on
"Friends". Marta Kaufmann called him in London when the show was in
development. He tested for the role but the producers never got the tape.
COB: "Andy and I were supposed to be on 'Baywatch', you know."

BUMPER: (Max and audience)
COMMERCIAL:
BUMPER: (Empire State Building)

GUEST: Robert Schimmel

Standup routine. Sex with Tyson. Maids give back money. "Disclosure" boss
hitting on coworker. (He did it w/his boss.) Penis enlargement for men
only. We're ruled by our genitals. At the dentist they cover your crotch
with the lead blanket but they leave your brain exposed. Dentist
personally mating his cocker spaniel. Sick rabbit: do you take a $5 rabbit
to the vet? Rabbit in oxygen tent, possible coma. Four potential key
chains here. Cat and dog bathroom habits. Cat uses toilet, you use litter
box. Peo ple come over and say "What do you got, a mountain lion for a
pet?"

BUMPER:
LATER promo and Jonathan Silverman PSA
COMMERCIALS

Goodnights, Ticket Address And logos

--

dma...@raven.cybercomm.net Dave Mackey
Visit my Home Page! http://raven.cybercomm.net/~dmackey