ABSTRACT: 8/28/96
Damone
ABSTRACT: Wednesday, August 28th 1996 "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" #643
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ANNOUNCER: None due to clip opening
MONOLOGUE
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- Al Gore spoke at the Democratic Convention tonight. That means only
six people are awake to watch the show.
- Yesterday, Sylvester Stallone and Jenifer Flaven had a baby girl.
They decided not to tape the birth because the baby wanted $20 million.
- At his Breach of Contract trial, Michael Jackson played peek-a-boo with
the jury. He thought he was on a date.
WALKOVER MUSIC: ?
DESK BIT
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Conan And Any Critique Art: In order to bring some level of culture to
the show, Conan and Andy take a look at some artwork.
- [Candinski Painting] Conan: Look how he uses color, line, and shape to
create a captivating, semi-abstract painting. Andy: Candinski's free
brush strokes and simple composition conveys great beauty as well as a
sense of delight.
- [Fiorentino Painting Of Fight] C: Notice the intertwined forms and
twisted bodies. A: Look at that guy's tiny weiner.
- [Birth Of Venus] C: The nudity in this painting offended the Church, so
there was a second version. [Venus covered head to foot by her hair.]
- [Sphinx] C: The nose was recently found by a wealthy American
collector. [Michael Jackson with Sphinx's nose on his face.]
- [Mona Lisa] C: People always wondered why she is smiling. A picture of
Da Vinci while he was painting clears up the mystery. [Da Vinci with
arrow through his head and fake nose and mustache glasses.]
- [Boxing Painting] C: This one is called "Between Rounds." There is a
modern version with the same title. [Conan and Andy drunk at a bar.]
- [Sistene Chapel Ceiling] A: Can we look at a detail on this? [Pencils
stuck in the ceiling]
- [The Bathers] A: Can we get a look at the detail? [On one woman's butt
it reads: "If you can read this, you're too close."]
- [Painting of single sperm] C: This was a very controversial painting
and the artist got sued for $6 million. It is called "Tom Cruise's Sperm
Count."
- [Totem Pole] A: Totem poles always have a scary figure on the top. [A
bloody Max head on top of pole]
- [Ruben's Painting] C: this artist is noted for his full, shapely
figures. A: That body type is not in fashion today. [Conan and Andy run
off and grab a vacuum cleaner and do lyposuction from the women in the
painting into a bucket.]
[BUMPER: Late Night marquis]
(commercial)
[BUMPER: Max]
Last night after her speech at the Democratic Convention, Hillary Clinton
took a call on her cellular phone before talking to reporters. Conan
shows footage that shows she was actually talking to him while he was in a
bubble bath with sunglasses on being entertained by another lady.
GUEST: Kyle Mac Laughlan ("Trigger Effect," "Blue Velvet," "Twin Peaks")
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- Conan talks about working with him on SNL back in 1989 when they were
both in a sketch together.
- [CLIP: Conan as guard in "Twin Peaks" parody]
- Conan asked if he ever thought "Twin Peaks" would get on the air. Kyle
said that he was shocked when ABC picked it up and most of the cast
thought they were crazy for doing it.
- Conan mentioned that "Blue Velvet" was shot in a small town and asked
how they reacted to such a strange movie. Kyle told how one night they
were doing a scene where Isabella Rosselini had to run out a house
naked. The locals all set up lawn chairs to see the taping, not knowing
what was going to happen. When they shot the scene, all the locals were
gone by the end of the shot. The next day, they passed an ordinance
against nude film-making in the town.
- Conan asked if he went to any strip clubs to do research for his role
in "Showgirls," since that would be a perfect excuse to do so. Kyle said
he never got the idea of going to seeing beautiful naked women with a
group of guys.
- Conan asked about "Trigger Effect." Kyle said it was a story of
survival of a couple and their friend. Conan asked how they kept it
light on the set of such an intense movie. He and Daniel Mulroney did
practical jokes on each other. He locked a rooster in Kyle's trailer who
dumped on everything. Kyle then went to a slaughterhouse and bought a
pig's head, which he put in Daniel's trailer toilet.
[BUMPER: Far shot of desk]
(commercial)
[BUMPER: Ticket info]
Report from Democratic National Convention by Foam Rubber Conan and Andy
- They intro the report with FR Andy sloppy drunk and falling all over FR
Conan.
- They shows clips of them going around and trying to interview people.
Becuase his mic isn't fixed yet, no one can understand FR Andy.
- FR Conan and Andy get busted by the cops. FR Andy tries to run away
and gets beaten down by a cop.
- They go out drinking. FR Conan makes FR Andy chug. FR Andy ends up
over the toilet.
- FR Conan brings two hookers back to their hotel room. They give FR
Conan a bath and then FR Conan and Andy frollic with them on the bed.
[BUMPER: Top shot of desk]
(commercial)
[BUMPER: Late Night post cards]
GUEST: Lewis Black (Comic)
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- He's been watching all the conventions and he has good news:
everything's going to be great. No matter who we vote for, things are
just going to get better and better.
- He says he's the only person wathcing the conventions. Dole's numbers
went up when no one was watching him. Clinton's numbers are predicited
to go up when no one's watching him. Everyone loves politicians when
they can't see them.
- The Democrats talk about the future. The Republicans talk about the
past. The only person talking about the present is Perot, but he isn't
on this planet.
- Perot can't find a running mate. He should use Stockdale again. He
was great. He started a debate by saying he doesn't know who is is and
what he is doing there.
- Kemp has no judgement. He originally picked Steve Forbes as a
candidate. He wasn't a candidate; he was a head someone stuck on a body.
- Gore married a woman named Tipper. Case closed.
- Dan Quale isn't running. He read his book, "Standing Firm." By the
end of it, he said it should be called "My Stool Is Firm."
- Both parties came out against same-sex marriages. What a risk.
Heterosexuals can't stayed married at all, and now there is a group that
wants to get married, and politicians say no. As far as major problems in
this country go, same-sex marriages are on page fifty, right after, "Are
we as a people eating too much garlic?"
[BUMPER: Conan and Lewis]
(commercial)
[BUMPER: Rear of studio shot of audience]
Tomorrow Night's Guests
[BUMPER: Max and band]
(commercial)
[BUMPER: Conan as Robin with Batman]
GUEST: Monica Crawley ("Nixon Off The Record")
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- Conan aksed her how she got her position with Nixon. She said she read
one of his books in school and wrote him a letter about it. He wrote her
a handwritten letter back and invited her to meet him. He offered her a
job after graduation to work as his aide.
- Conan talked about Nixon seeming like a cartoon to many people. She said
she had that perception as well before she met him. He is a very real
person and loved Halloween. He had a big party every year where he would
open his house to kids from all over. People would even show up in Nixon
masks.
- Conan asked her about catching Nixon watching "Dick Van Dyke." She
said Nixon had never been comfortable with publically admitting to watching
television. He first said he didn't watch it all, and then just sports
and news. She arrived early for a meeting once and found him with his
shoes off, relaxing in front of the tv. He was flustered when caught and
tried to change the channel.
- Conan asked about a wrong number he got. She said right before
Clinton's inauguration, he got a call on his public line and was very
serious in case it was someone important. It turned out to be someone
looking for Ed at the Taco Bell.
- Conan asked about his competitive side and attitudes towards current
presidents. She said he was critical of presiendets in power, but got
respect for them when they consulted him on issues.
- Conan asked if Nixon was happy. She said he was a restless soul, but he
got some level of contentment toward the end of his life with his role
and place in history.
[BUMPER: Band]
(commercial)
[BUMPER: COLD]
Goodnight everybody...
CREDITS SPLIT SCREEN: Desk shot
(end)
[PRODUCTION NOTES: Conan seemd *very* rushed tonight. Perhaps the
off-the-cuff conversation at the start of the show about Andy's porn
career ate into an already packed show.]
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Damone
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