Cabin Boy Script
wall...@nospamhotmail.com
All this talk of love and holidays makes me... want to repost the Cabin
Boy transcript!
It also makes me want to seduce HotPants and make him sit on Michael Schumacher's
helmet, but that's something else entirely..
For your Holiday Enjoyment...
=========== CABIN BOY!!!! ===========
Cabin Boy - A Comedic Masterpiece by Chris Elliot
Transcription Note: This has left me a gibbering wreck of a man. You
have been warned.
Cast
Chris Elliott - Nathanial Mayweather
Ritch Brinkley - Captain Greybar
James Gammon - Paps
Ricki Lake - Figurehead
Brian Doyle-Murray - Skunk
Brion James - Big Teddy
Melora Walters - Trina
I.M. Hobson - Headmaster Timmons
Alex Nevil - Thomas
David H. Sterry - Lance (as David Sterry)
Bob Elliott - William Mayweather
Edward Flotard - Limo Driver
Jim Cummings - Cupcake
Ann Magnuson - Calli
Russ Tamblyn - Chocki
Mike Starr - Mulligan
Andy Richter - Kenny
David Letterman - Old Salt in Fishing Village (as Earl Hofert)
Written by
Chris Elliott
Adam Resnick
Cinematography by
Steve Yaconelli
Music by
Steve Bartek
Production Design by
Steven Legler
Costume Design by
Colleen Atwood
Film Editing by
Jon Poll
Produced by
Barry Bernardi (executive)
Tim Burton
Denise Di Novi
Steve White (executive)
[Silly Fish Credits]
"Nothing so liberates the heart as when a fool awakes from his folly." -
legend on the bottom of the map behind Fish Credits.
[At The Finishing School]
[School lads singing hymn, Nathaniel sings badly in horribly delicious
falsetto voice]
Headmaster: Nathaniel, this arrived for you this morning. [gives
Nathaniel a letter]
Nathaniel: Thank you Headmaster, blah blah blah blah. Oh! What sweet
news! Ah! My dear daddy has arranged for my immediate departure from
Stephanwood, tomorrow, after graduation! And he booked me first class
passage on the Queen Catherine!
Headmaster: Of course, heaven forbid that you should experience even the
slightest discomfort.
Nathaniel: Yes yes, good point. As I am sure you are well aware,
Riechmaster Timmons, I am to take over the family run hotel chain in
beautiful sun drenched Hawaii. I'm sure that's almost as exciting as
being a frustrated shabbily dressed Headmaster, yes?
Headmaster: Young Nathaniel, the faculty and myself have made endless
attempts to teach you to curb your condescension's towards others. As a
Fancy Lad, respecting those around you is both your duty and your
obligation.
Nathaniel: I'm sorry sir, I was just pondering what drifter's corpse
you stole those shoes from.
Headmaster: My god! You are a hateful creature, aren't you!
Nathaniel: Come on! It was just a joke! [kisses his letter]
[School Room]
School Lad: The origin of the bowler can be traced back to the turn of
the century. The simplest and most popular way to tip a hat is the
champan street method, it is performed thusly..
[Nathaniel laughs raucously]
Instructor: NATHANIEL!!
Instructor: [To School Lad] You may sit down now, it is unfair to ask
you to continue in the presence of this cackling baboon.
Nathaniel: [Aside, To School Lad] Somebody's daddy's missing a leg!
Instructor: Nathaniel, since you seem so anxious to interrupt the
proceedings with your usual infantile babble, kindly step forward and
give us your presentation.
Nathaniel: It would be my pleasure, my dear underpaid professor.
[walks to front of class] This my silly dimwitted looking classmates is
a 14th century Norwegian evening derby, very few of these exist today,
and those that do either reside in museums or are in the possession of
extraordinarily rich young men who happen to have rather large penises.
[Outside, Nathaniel is getting into a limo]
Headmaster: Well, goodbye Nathaniel, you are now officially a fancy lad,
and it is my sincere hope that you will give dignity and humility to
that high honor. Oh and do tell your father I send my regards.
Nathaniel: Oh sure, in fact I think I have a picture of his backside in
my wallet if you care to kiss it right here.
Headmaster: Oh Nathaniel, whatever shall become of you.
Nathaniel: Don't worry about me Timmons, my life shall never be anything
less than perfect. Hey! [throws coin out window] Here you go chubby, go
buy yourself a spritzer! Okay come on let's get this thing moving! Oh
and, thank you driver for opening the door for me, oh that was so nice,
you moron!
Headmaster: Good riddance you horrible dreadful nasty little bastard.
[They drive off]
Nathaniel: You're driving too fast! Slow it down! Not that slow
imbecile! Speed up!
[Car screeches to a halt]
Nathaniel: Why on earth have you stopped this retched vehicle! What do
you think! Hey!
Driver: Get the hell out of here you fresh mouthed little creep!
[Driver throws Nathaniel out of car]
Nathaniel: I merely suggested that you have the driving ability of a
brain dead laboratory ape!
Driver: Welcome to the real world, kid!
Nathaniel: Well fine, I'll just get right back in then...I don't know
what you're.. Hey! You can't take my luggage! I'll have you
incarcerated! [car drives off] Dear lord, I'm about to embark on a brisk
walk. The first bit of exercise in my young privileged life, I pray, do
not allow me to break a sweat. [begins walking] Okay here we go, yup..
1..2.. I'm walking, AUUUGHH! [rabbit hops across road]
[Sun beats down on Nathaniel]
[Nathaniel realizes he is sweating, and screams like the girly woman
creature that he is]
[Nathaniel sees sign pointing to Golden Mist Seaport, Home of the Queen
Catherine]
Nathaniel: Ohh, the Golden Mist Seaport! Oh! Thank you thank you! My
luxurious suite on the Queen Catherine awaits me! I'll be with you uno
momento my queen!
[A cow is blocking the correct arrow and Nathaniel heads towards
Backtown - Fishing Village]
[The Fishing Village]
Nathaniel: Watch it! Would you! Lady! Ichhhh! Eww!! Ohh! Eww!
Horrible place! Auch! Jeez! Stop it! I've had it with you, bunch of
stinkos in here! You you old man! Look I am in desperate need of
assistance.
Old Salt (David Letterman): Well well well, what's on your mind little
girl?
Nathaniel: Uh. I realize that you are most likely the product of lower
class inbreeding, but perhaps you could help me.
Old Salt: Oh gosh, I certainly hope so.
Nathaniel: I have been wandering this dreary village in hopes of
finding the Queen Catherine, you wouldn't happen to have any idea where
she might be docked, would you?
Old Salt: Oh, you know what you are! You're one of those little, uh,
fancy lads aren't you? Boy you're cute, gosh what a sweet little outfit,
is it your little spring outfit? Ha ha ha! You couldn't be cuter,
you're so adorable! Oh my, you know you remind me of my niece Sally,
lovely girl, she's a dietitian. Hey, would you like to buy a monkey?
Nathaniel: No I don't want to buy a monkey.. No, I'm on my way.. your
family must be very proud of you..
Old Salt: We'll see you honey! Hey wait a minute, Jennifer! Come here!
Come here! I can show you to that ship of yours.
Nathaniel: You will?
Old Salt: Right down this road, right there!
Nathaniel: Marvelous! Well, I probably should hurry, shouldn't I?
Because they're going to start the banquet soon! And I must tell you,
I'm famished!
Old Salt: Well, why wouldn't you be? Big girls have big appetites,
don't they? Listen, do yourself a favor, don't let them give you any of
that flank steak bullshit, you know what I'm saying? Try the London
broil!
Nathaniel: Oh that's a good tip. I shall do it.
Old Salt: Pamper yourself!
Nathaniel: Oh my! I must tell you for a yellow eyed gamy smelling low
life, you really have quite a decent heart about you.
Old Salt: Heh heh, well thanks.
Nathaniel: I'm not going to touch you, I'm not going to shake your hand
or get near you, because you're all of that, but I am going to be on my
way. Off I go!
Old Salt: Hey listen! Have a good trip, Suzy! Bye bye! Think about
me, all right? [after Nathaniel leaves] Man oh man do I hate them fancy
lads!
[On The Filthy Whore]
Nathaniel: Hey.. I'm looking for the steward of the QC.
Kenny: I'm watching the boat til everyone gets back from lunch.
Nathaniel: Oh well then departure was delayed on my behalf, very good,
ah... here's my boarding pass, now please take me to the ship's finest
quarters, as I very much wish to draw a hot bath, what a day! Whew!
Kenny: I ain't supposed to let nobody on the boat, cos...
Nathaniel: No no, I know I know, I look much too disheveled to board,
but I assure you, the captain will understand given the circumstances.
Kenny: Wow, you know the captain?
Nathaniel: I should say so, he owes his entire career to my daddy.
Kenny: Well okay, since you know him and all.
Nathaniel: [Nathaniel struggles to traverse small plank leading to the
boat] Boy boy!! [Kenny helps Nathaniel onto boat] Is this the tug
that's supposed to take us out to the Queen Catherine?
Kenny: It's.. uh.. a boat
Nathaniel: Ohhh, I see! this is the Queen Catherine! It's one of those
theme ships, isn't it? Yes I've read about these things, where the
passengers pretend we're common types and slum it up a bit, ha ha!
Deliciously shiek!
Kenny: [going down stairs] Step.. step...step...step...step...step...
Nathaniel: Yes yes, I know that, I've seen steps before. [admires
disgusting mess] HA HA HA, marvelous! Oh!
Kenny: I guess the best bunk we got is the captain's, I don't think
he'd mind since you know him and all.
Nathaniel: [laughs] Oh my! They sure do have an eye for detail, don't
they? Awards all around!
Kenny: You sure got things figured out, don't you? I never was real
good at figuring stuff out. Captain says I'm dumb as a carp, here's how
a harem girl dances [shakes and wiggles like a harem girl]
Nathaniel: Okay, well.. uh... thank you for that .. whatever that was.
And now, enough of your silly gibberish, go fetch me a cup of bouillon
before I retire! Off you go! Thank you!
Kenny: [searching shelves] Bouillon... bouillon...maybe it's just a
fancy
word for chum [ladles some disgusting stuff into a cup] [knocks on
Nathaniel's door, Nathaniel is wearing a facial cream]
AUUUUUUGHHHH!!!!!!!
Nathaniel: Pipe down you imbecile, huh! My head is throbbing as it is!
Kenny: Sorry, for a second I thought you were my granny, she's dead.
Well, here's your bouillon!
Nathaniel: Thank you very much, and will you please make sure I'm not
disturbed until tomorrow, yes?
Kenny: Okay.. bye lady!
Nathaniel: [sips the chum] Oh! Hmm.. bit spicy, quite robust.
[Captain Greybar and crew arrive at the Filthy Whore]
Kenny: Your friend's here, he's all tucked in for the night.
Captain Greybar: Whatever you say, Einstein!
Skunk: We figured you were hungry so we bought you a stick of gum!
Paps: Don't chew it all in one place, shit for brains! [laughs]
Kenny: heh.. heh.. ...gum.
Captain Greybar: Alright! Listen up! We're gonna sail out of here
tonight and keep running straight on through til morning, we'll drop our
nets at day break, and catch them scaly bastards while they're still
groggy.
[Ship Sails]
[Captain's Quarters - Nathaniel is sleeping in the Captain's bed]
Captain Greybar: Skunk, what do you think? We got enough ocean behind
us yet?
Skunk: Yeah yeah, no trouble for us tonight.
Captain Greybar: I think I'll turn in, keep her steady!
Skunk: Okey Dokey!
[Captain Stumbles to Bed, Snuggles Up With Nathaniel and falls asleep.]
[Morning]
Captain Greybar: Hi, how ya doing.
Nathaniel: Very well thank you.
Both: AUUGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
[The Captain throws Nathaniel to the deck amongst his crew.]
Captain Greybar: Don't this beat all boys, we got us a half crazed boat
hopper.
Nathaniel: Now see here I don't know what kind of nonsense you're
trying to pull here but it's painfully obv... Ahhaha! I see, this is
all
part of the theme, right? Sure, and you're just stage actors pretending
to be filthy drunkards, [applauds] bravo bravo everyone! Long live the
theater!
Skunk: Am I missing something here?
Big Teddy: Holy shit in a hand basket, this moron got on the wrong
boat.
Nathaniel: Now wait a second, are you meaning to imply this is not the
Queen Catherine, and you're not it's well trained crew here to cater to
my every whim?
Skunk: Kid, we're just here to catch fish and stink
Paps: Mostly the latter.
Nathaniel: Oooookay okay, um.. all right, look obviously there's been a
little mix up and I seem to have boarded the wrong vessel, okay, I
apologize, but there's a happy ending to all this, you just point this
thing towards Hawaii and drop me off there. Great! End of controversy!
Now let's go enjoy some tea and honey dipped willie-pum, shall we?
Big Teddy: Gimmie the go ahead Captain and I'll kill him.
Captain[to himself]: I knew I shouldn't have had that last bottle of
rotgut.
Nathaniel: Gentleman! Nonono, don't walk away from me! come back! No
no! Don't make me run! Come on! Come on! No no! You too, you too! It's
painfully obvious to me that you have no idea who you're dealing with
here, you see, I, am a Fancy Lad.
ALL: HAhAHAHAHAhAhAha Fancy Lad! HAhahAha!
Nathaniel: And if you continue to hinder my arrival I'll just have my
daddy put you all on trial and have you hanged.
Skunk: Were you dropped on your head as a toddler?
Captain Greybar: Listen up you, you doofy looking deus in shoes(?),
we're out here to catch us some fish, so unless you wanna end up as
bait, [Thwacks Nathaniel] Stay out of my face!
Nathaniel: Don't you walk away from me, you big talking walrus! This
issue is not negotiable!
Big Teddy: I hate this [throws wig in the water]
Nathaniel: My christening wig! I've had it since infancy!
Paps: Well you ain't got it no more, peckerhead! [laughs]
Nathaniel: There by the grace of god, floats away my manhood.
Nathaniel: [to Skunk] Simply put a five pound box of chocolate covered
macadamia nuts is yours if you'll point this swill heap towards Hawaii,
comprende?
Skunk: Sorry, I'll have to pass.
Nathaniel: [to Big Teddy] These stockings I'm wearing are made of pure
imported silk from the northern mountains of Biennea, they're yours if
you get me to Hawaii.
Big Teddy: Yeah? These socks I'm wearing are pure wool and they've
been on my feet for three straight weeks, and if you don't blow, you're
gonna swallow them like an aspirin!
Nathaniel: [to Gramps] If my poor daddy doesn't hear from me soon,
there's no telling what he might do. I'm afraid he'll become despondent
and turn a pistol upon himself.
Paps: Hey! You wanna learn a little fisherman's greek? "Kadinga
pachinga kachstinga," that means I kissed a girl! Ha ha! "Patooka
cachooka skabooka," that means I felt up a girl's ass!! HAhahah!
"Katinkaa kawinka kalinka," you know what that means!! Yeah you do!
Nathaniel: Is there not one person on this boat who's not monstrously
insane! It's maddening! I'm at my wits end I can't take it! [WHACK, a
large pulley hits Nathaniel in the head, the crew laughs.]
[On the deck, talking to Kenny]
Nathaniel: Hello? Can't say as I blame you, standing by yourself.
There's no such thing as pleasant companionship on this tawdry vessel.
Kenny: Sorry, but I ain't supposed to talk to nobody while I'm on
watch, Captain Greybar says I got the attention span of a circus monkey.
Nathaniel: Yes, well I don't think your Captain Greybar is qualified to
cast dispersions on the character of others.
Kenny: Sorry, I don't speak Spanish.
Nathaniel: Pardon me, I seem to have forgotten your name.
Kenny: Kenny.
Nathaniel: Kenneth.. uh.. your Captain has been under a great deal of
stress recently and, he's in dire need of a holiday.
Kenny: You mean.. like Halloween?
Nathaniel: Yes.. like Halloween. Now, wouldn't you like to help your
weary Captain rest his rum soaked bones?
Kenny: Well.. uh.. Yeah, I guess. If you think he'd like that. What
do I gotta do?
Nathaniel: It's magnificently simple, tonight, after they've all fallen
asleep, change the course of the boat, and head it for Hawaii. You
think you're capable of that?
Kenny: Sure, I ain't too swift about other stuff, but I know maths real
good! So he'll be happy about this, huh?
Nathaniel: Oh no, absolutely! In fact I overheard him telling somebody
'My, wouldn't it be jolly jack splendid to spend a fortnight or two in
Hawaii?'
Kenny: Yup, that sounds like him. You do good impressions.
Nathaniel: Right, okay then fine, after they've all fallen into their
alcohol induced slumbers, we'll put our little plan into action. Now
remember, this is our little secret, yes? [they laugh] Okay...
Alright..
you're a big happy one.. aren't you?
[The crew is asleep]
Nathaniel: Swine, filthy swine!! Ich!! Okay, the pigs are all asleep.
Kenny: OK, looks like all we gotta do is shift her 250 thousand degrees
northeast, and we'll be headed straight for Hawaii.
Nathaniel: Okay fine, well do it, do it quickly now.
[Kenny spins the wheel, then stops it]
Kenny: Okay, we're going to Hawaii!
Nathaniel: Okay, great! Well, good job old boy! And you know what?
When we reach the Islands I may just go out and buy you a big red shiny
apple.
Kenny: Jeez, thanks!
Nathaniel: [mutters as he walks off] ...Human tree stump.
[Nathaniel prepares to go to sleep]
Nathaniel: After a brief derailment, my life is back on it's proper
course. Ah! Fret not Daddy, I will be with you in a saint's whisper.
[It begins to storm and rain]
Nathaniel: What in the savior's name! What do you think you're doing?
This is no time for stunt sailing! Stop this immediately!
Kenny: I'm trying!
Nathaniel: You're not trying hard enough! Auugh! Get off me!
[Captain wakes to rain dripping on his face.]
Captain Greybar: What the? Jeeezuz chreest! Everybody!! Get your ass
topside!! Move! Move MOVE!!!
Kenny: Maybe I should drop anchor?
Nathaniel: Well, do you think that will help?
Kenny: I don't know, I'm not very bright, remember?
Nathaniel: Just do it! Try anything, will ya? What am I supposed to..
Kenny: Don't worry! It seems a lot worse than it is!
Nathaniel: What??
[Kenny is tossed overboard]
Nathaniel: Come back here and steer this boat!
Kenny: [before sinking under the waves] Tell Captain Greybar I hope he
enjoys Hawaii, and remind him that we're almost out of margarine.
Nathaniel: Ah come back! You can't do this to me! Come back! Come
back!
Captain Greybar: Secure that boom!
Big Teddy: Aye Captain!
Nathaniel: Stop the insanity!!! Auuughh!!
Captain Greybar: Grab the wheel!!
Skunk: Okay, skip!
[Nathaniel continues to scream like a woman and run around]
[The mast breaks]
Big Teddy: Shit!!
Nathaniel: I don't like this!! HELLLLLPPPPP
Skunk: Looks like Kenny got it into his head to take us off course.
Captain Greybar: That don't sound like Kenny, he's dumb, but he don't
take a leak before telling me.
Skunk: Well it's his scribbles. Not only that, if this things right,
look where it's landed us!
Captain Greybar: Sweet Jesus! Hell's Bucket!!!
Captain Greybar: KENNY!!!!!!! Get your worthless ass over here!
Paps: I ain't seen that little sow any where!
Skunk: Hey, what the hell's this?
Captain Greybar: Get over here, perfume boy! Look at this!
Nathaniel: Well, I merely suggested to Kenneth that perhaps it would be
fun if we set the ship's course for Hawaii.
Paps: <something>
Nathaniel: What, had I known that he'd been blown overboard by a giant
gust of wind, I never would have suggested that...
Captain Greybar: Get out of my sight, before you join him!
Nathaniel: what? I didn't!
Paps: [snarls at Nathaniel, Nathaniel runs away.]
[More thunder, demonic clouds, rain, the works.]
[The next morning. They are adrift in Hell's Bucket]
Captain Greybar: [muttering to himself] I should have listened to my
uncle and went into the God damn butcher business, I wouldn't be in this
predicament in the first place. Oh no! Daddy! I wants to be sailor..
never get out of here.. nets are torn to pieces.. god damn.. what am I
supposed to do now, gonna catch 'em with my hands or what..
Big Teddy: We're in deep shit Greybar! Now what the hell we gonna do, I
mean, what do you think? Gimmie a clue! Will ya?
Skunk: Well the engine is flooded, the mizzen mast is down, and we got
a crack in the mid section that's drawing water.
Captain Greybar: Wonderful! Augh! We got any options here gentlemen?
Skunk: Well the only thing to do as far as I can tell is find a safe
harbor and fix the boat.
Captain Greybar: Well as you all know there's only one island in Hell's
Bucket, and I for one am not crazy about landing there.
Skunk: Yeah well I ain't crazy about sitting on a boat until she sinks
and we end up flounder shit.
Big Teddy: Yeah, those flounders are blood thirsty bastards.
Captain Greybar: Looks like we ain't gotta choice, we don't make it to
that island, we're all gonna end up on the bottom.
Big Teddy: If we stay in Hell's Bucket long enough, that's the least of
our worries. There's bad mojo all around here.
Paps: Instead of standing around philosophizing like a bunch of old
washer women, let's get to the goddamn island, fix the boat and blow out
of this hole!
Big Teddy: And I say we dump that jinx kid he's a born Jonah.
Captain Greybar: Right, as soon as we hit the island [snaps his
fingers] he's history! We'll send him out to pick berries or something,
and then haul ass!
Big Teddy: Right captain.
[Captain lifts a canvas sheet and underneath is Nathaniel tied and
gagged, the Captain ungags Nathaniel]
Nathaniel: Please don't harm me! I'm meek as a kitten! Surely I am! I
wouldn't do anything!
Captain Greybar: Stop! Listen here boy! You got us groin deep in
trouble! And I am this close to turning your powdered ass into chum!
Nathaniel: I'm sorry, but I must take offense at that, I haven't
powdered my bottom since I was 17 years old!
Captain Greybar: Cork it!! From here on out, since we're one hand
short, you're gonna do every dirty, shitty, snot soaked job that needs
doing around here! Got it??
Nathaniel: Is there any good news?
Captain Greybar: The good news, is that I may let you live! And if you
behave yourself, we'll... drop you off in Hawaii.. Japan.. where ever
the
hell you're going!
Nathaniel: Thank oh thank you Captain, that's what I wanted to hear!
Captain Greybar: Okay! First things first get out of these sissy
clothes and go put on some of Kenny's duds, God rest his sweet soul!
And I want you to think of his fat dimpled ass every time you slip into
his boots!
Nathaniel: I just pray those boots have adequate arch support, cos I
have problem feet..
Captain Greybar: GET!!
[Nathaniel is attempting to cut up a fish]
Nathaniel: Okay.. okay.. here we go.. be calm.. do it.. do it.. do it!
[cuts off head] OH!! That's it! The head came off, what's inside
stinks, and that's all I'm doing, I'm done! Hi.
[Nathaniel is giving Gramps a bath and gets soap in Gramp's eyes]
Nathaniel: Come on, you're doing very well...
Paps: ARR, I hate you!! ARR! [splashes Nathaniel]
[Nathaniel leans against a mast, and it comes crashing down.]
Nathaniel: [in fake voice] He did it.
Skunk: Here! Now, here's something your fancy ass can't screw up!
Paps: And don't quit until every square inch of this deck is clean as a
church piss house!
[The crew laughs]
[Nathaniel is licking the deck]
Nathaniel: Oddly enough it kind of tastes like marzipan, huh, go
figure. [continues licking]
[Nathaniel is sitting on a raft, floating behind the Filthy Whore]
Nathaniel: I'm sorry, could you explain this chore to me one more time?
Captain Greybar: It's a little something we call "Outward Watch".
Here's how it works, we'll let out some rope so yous can drift out
behind us, and all you gotta do is keep your eyes open for other boats,
cars, flying saucers, you know, shit like that.
Nathaniel: And exactly how much rope are you going to let out? About
10 feet or so?
Big Teddy: 2 miles worth.
Nathaniel: Sounds a trifle peculiar, but I suppose you're the experts.
Hey one more thing, is it true it's unsafe to drink seawater?
Skunk: That's a new one to me!
Big Teddy: It's water, ain't it?
Paps: We gave you a carton of chocolate milk, what else you want?
Captain Greybar: Alright Geronimo, let's get your ass out there, in
about a week when your shift is over, just give this rope a little tug
and we'll haul you in.
Nathaniel: Okay! Well I'm off! Not crazy about the idea.
Paps: Send us a post card, Daisy!
[The crew laughs]
Big Teddy: Great idea skipper, finally some peace and quiet.
[They laugh again]
[Nathaniel is floating on his raft]
Nathaniel: Water.. lots of water.. brum brum.. boring.. what's another
word for it? Dullsville! It's dullsville! I hate it I hate it.. hate it
hate it... Whew! Oh it's hot! Burning up! There's gotta be some lotion
in here. What's this? Cooking oil, maybe that's nature's moisturizer.
[slathers oil on himself]
Oh that should do it! About number 15, feels like. Ooookay.
[the sun bakes down on Nathaniel]
[Nathaniel is gibbering and making weird noises]
It's lunch time. Yes, it's lunch time. Let's get something to eat,
come on! Yeah, let's have our good bread.. and we'll have our.. [pulls
bread out, it's covered in green mold] It's a pretty color. [takes a
bite] But it don't taste pretty, nuh-uh. I need something to drink,
fast! Come on! [tries to pour congealed chocolate milk into his mouth]
Thirsty!
[Nathaniel scoops up some sea water and drinks it.]
[The sun continues to beat down]
[Nathaniel is gibbering]
Nathaniel: Good afternoon madam, would you like to buy a donkey?
Donkeys are on sale today through Thursday. And be sure to visit our
linen department for spectacular savings on stereophonic pumpkins and
glow in the dark bowling balls.
[an apparition of Kenny appears, wearing a white tuxedo, floating above
the water]
Kenny: Hey man, pull yourself together!
Nathaniel: KENNY! What are you doing here?
Kenny: I just wanted to stop by and say "hang in there, you're doing a
hell of a job!"
Nathaniel: Very kind of you, Kenny.
Kenny: Well keep up the good work! Bon Soir! [Kenny lifts up a "hatch"
in the water, and descends under the ocean.]
Nathaniel: He's gone down into the water. Okay, well you know most
people would think they were insane if they saw something like that, but
luckily I have an open mind about that sort of thing.. and I'm not..
[a Giant Cupcake appears]
Cupcake: Now I know what you're thinking, what could be stranger than a
big fat ass floating cupcake? Hey! How about one that spits tobacco?
[Cupcake lobs a huge gooey disgusting blob onto Nathaniel]
Cupcake: ha ha ha! See you around buddy! Ha ha! That's a cute kid.
[Cupcake flies off]
Nathaniel: Okay, it's official! Nathaniel Mayweather has lost his
mind! I've got cabin fever! Or raft fever! I've got some kind of
fever! Look! I can fly! I'm a parakeet! Somebody give me a sunflower
seed. [falls into the water and sinks to the bottom]
[Nathaniel sees a shark like creature in the distance.]
[A half man half shark creature rescues Nathaniel and puts him back on
his raft]
[Back on the Filthy Whore, a bell attached to Nathaniel's rope is
ringing]
Captain Greybar: Has it been a week already?
Big Teddy: Actually it's been 9 days, time flies.
Skunk: Probably have to shovel him off that raft.
Big Teddy: Yeah, maybe if we're lucky, he'll die in a few hours.
[Skunk uses a telescope to check out Nathaniel, who is hopping up and
down on his raft]
Skunk: This kid ain't real!!
[They reel in Nathaniel]
Nathaniel: I'm back fellas! Hi!! Thank you!! Oh greetings fellow
fisherman! Oh! [he hugs and kisses the crew] I never thought I'd be so
happy to see you again and this stinking garbage scow! Oh Big Teddy,
thank you! A welcome home sandwich [takes Big Teddy's sandwich and eats
it]
Skunk: Well you sure got a lot of energy for someone who's half dead
from exposure!
Nathaniel: That's actually a very good point, I woulda been completely
dead had it not for the shark man.
Captain Greybar: Shark man?
Nathaniel: Judging from his appearance, that is the most appropriate
name I could come up with for him.
Paps: I hate this kid.
Skunk: This.. uh.. thing you're talking about, did it have the body of
a shark, and the arms and face of a man?
Nathaniel: That's the chap!
Skunk: Holy jumping jack fish! Chocki!
Captain Greybar: Who the hell is Chocki?
Big Teddy: Half man half shark. Legend has it a Viking ship went down
in Hell's Bucket 500 years ago, one of the Vikings was spared a grisly
death by a shark who fell in love with him. Well you know how it goes,
one thing led to another...and..
Paps: The Viking knocked up the shark!?
Skunk: And they had one offspring.. Chocki.
Captain Greybar: Just when you think you've heard everything about
Hell's Bucket, along comes another nauseating legend.
Paps: blerrrrrg.
Skunk: And the bad thing is, Chocki's kind of flighty by nature, he can
be friendly one minute and then hate you the next. Now that he's taken
a shine to the kid here, he's probably following us. And that could be
trouble.
Nathaniel: Well, why's he so flighty?
TJ: Who the hell knows? We're talking about a half man half shark,
there's gotta be some kinda chromosomal damage with a match up like
that.
Paps: Hey! Take a look at this!
Captain Greybar: Oh Lord, spare me another one of these insanity's.
[The figurehead has grown a beard]
Captain Greybar: Sweet henry! She's got more whiskers than a laid off
circus clown!
Nathaniel: Gee.. they oughta rename this place Wackyville.. oOo, cos
it's WACKY!
[below decks, Gramps is drinking Pepto]
Paps: I'll feel better once we get out of these waters. All this
anxiety of being in a strange and mysterious land is giving me gas.
Big Teddy: Christ..
Skunk: Oh jeez...
[Thunder is heard and flashes of lightning]
Big Teddy: Ehh, purple lightning, that's always a good sign.
[Nathaniel enters carrying a platter of kitties, fashioned of fish
sticks.]
Nathaniel: Here they are! Your fish stick kitties! My own invention
thank you
very much, I thought meal time could use a little sprucing up around
here. Paps, here's your kitty! Meow meow! I'm awful tasty Gramps...
Paps: Get out of my face, you half assed Ingrid Bergman(?), here, have
some coffee [sprays down Nathaniel with hot coffee, the crew laughs]
Nathaniel: Paps, you're such a little card! Now where is that naughty
Captain,
he knows it's supper time.
[On deck, the captain is playing a little song]
Captain Greybar: [singing] When I go ashore and get my pay, I'll go
and meet
my Essie May, she'll hike her shirt and toss her shoes, she'll clean my
pipes, my buddies too. Don't need a church to find my way, cos I found
heaven with Essie May.
Nathaniel: [tears in his eyes] That was the most beautiful thing I've
ever
heard, it was like honey from the lips of an angel.
Captain Greybar: [burps]
Nathaniel: Bless you. Oh Cappy, tell me about all of this, tell me
about the
sea. What does it mean to you?
Captain Greybar: Basically money. I come from six generations of
seaman, all
with the same goal in life: catch fish, sell 'em, get drunk, and get
laid.
Nathaniel: I don't think Aristotle could have said it better.
Captain Greybar: Yeah, you might say I dropped out of my mamma's womb
with
galoshes on my feet and a fishing rod in my hand.
Nathaniel: Ouch! Poor woman! I don't know Cappy.. I'm beginning to
wonder if
maybe it's really people like you who wander the world like shaggy
unkempt beasts who really know what's important in life.
Captain Greybar: Okay boy, I'm officially sick of you now, take off.
Nathaniel: Are you quite sure? You know sometimes if we've had a
little too
much to drink we tend to say the opposite of what...
Captain Greybar: BLOW!!!!
Nathaniel: Okay! That will do it for me.. I'm just moving on out..
[Nathaniel arises to swab the deck and sings a little song to himself in
French]
[He spies a woman, lying in the ocean]
Nathaniel: [thinking to himself] My lord! She's the most beautiful
thing I've
ever laid eyes on! Every instinct in my lower half tells me the holy
father has preordained our meeting.
[Out loud] Hello Miss!! Miss!! Excuse me! Just my luck, I instantly
fall in love for the first time in my life, and it's with a corpse.
[Nathaniel drops a fishing net on her and winches her into the boat]
Trina: What the?? What the hell are you doing??
Nathaniel: Thank heavens! There is still some life left in her after
all! Thank
you lord, thank you, I owe you one! Oh, here, wikommen!
[Trina punches him square in the face]
Nathaniel: Ahh, jeez!
Trina: You idiot! Do you know what you just did? You just ruined my
chances at setting a world's record.
Nathaniel: Say whaaa?
Trina: I was swimming around the world. Maryland, to Maryland! And I
was halfway there, until you BLEW THE WHOLE THING!!
Nathaniel: ...No... You were just lying there like a rat in a swimming
pool...
Trina: I was sleeping! And by you YANKING me onto this floating
DUMPSTER, I violated one of the rules set forth by the world's record
committee, "At no time shall a swimmer's body come in contact with
anything solid."
Nathaniel: Yeah, okay, but technically I'm not solid, my texture is
much more
like moist bread.
Trina: Shit! I knew it was bad luck to swim through Hell's Bucket.
Nathaniel: Oh look, you have a hard piece of sea weed stuck to you...
let me just
pull it.. relax... OHH! My wig!! Faith has truly brought us together.
Trina: Just stay the hell away from me.
Nathaniel: [Calling down to the crew] Attencionas misuers, please join
me on
the upper deck, I have a little surprise for you!
[on the deck]
Come on fellas! Lookie would I fished out of the ocean! That's one cute
little fishy this cabin boy done caught hisself! Heehee hee!
Big Teddy: Ahh, not bad.. not good...
Captain Greybar: Where in the hell did you come from Missy? The last
thing we
need is another straggler!
Trina: First of all, I was minding my own business until your son
yanked me up here. And secondly, don't you ever call me Missy again
unless you want to lose the rest of your teeth!
Paps: Sassy little thing, ain't she? Want me to give her a spanking!
Skunk: I'd like her to give me a spanking.
Trina: How'd you like me to put my foot up your ass?
[The crew laughs]
Nathaniel: Come on now, gentleman please, I know that salty sea talk is
a big
part of being a fisherman, but Trina is our guest, and until we take her
to Maryland could we please curb the language?
Big Teddy: Oh, so we're gonna drop her off in Maryland, huh? What the
hell is
this, a cross town bus!
Captain Greybar: Jeesus, I never saw a man p-whipped so fast in my
LIFE.
Nathaniel: P-whipped? Now I'm confused, isn't that French for pudding?
Captain Greybar: Hopeless, absolutely utterly goddamn hopeless, I don't
even
know why in the hell we keep trying with that boy. Damn!
[aside, to crew]
Now he'll have some company on that island.
[Trina, Nathaniel and Paps are at the rail]
Nathaniel: Paps, I think you can go ahead and run down stairs and play
now, if
you like.
[Gramps growls and goes down stairs]
Nathaniel: So, things are settling down.. [Nathaniel tries to rest his
hand on
Trina's shoulder and she brushes him off] which is good.. [Again] quiet
time.. [Again]
[On the deck, the crew is playing Alley Cat, Nathaniel is dancing on the
deck while the crew pokes him with sticks and throws cans at him.]
Captain Greybar: Dosie doe.. now heel and toe..
[The crew continues to laugh and throw cans at Nathaniel]
[Trina arrives]
Trina: What a bunch of lunk heads!
Nathaniel: Trina! Oh! Oh Trina, I'm so glad you decided to join us, I
was
just putting on a little show for the fella's here.
Trina: So this is what you guys do for fun.
Captain Greybar: Yup.
Trina: Humiliate an imbecile.
Captain Greybar: Yup.
Trina: Sure he's clumsy and he's stupid and he's a screw up, but you
don't have to treat him like an animal.
Nathaniel: You know, uh, Trina, it's funny you should mention screw
ups,
because about an hour ago I made the mistake of using your swimming
diary to light the stove.
[Crew laughs]
Trina: I've been keeping that diary for 15 years, you ape! Dance boy,
dance! [throws cans at him]
[Music starts and Nathaniel dances some more]
[A loud crashing boom is heard]
Trina: What the hell's that?
Big Teddy: I'm afraid to say it...
Skunk: Chocki! He must have sensed we were kinda debasing the kid a
little bit, now he's pissed.
Captain Greybar: He opens up that hole any wider, we're all gonna be
bunking on
the bottom tonight.
Paps: We gotta throw the kid over board.
Skunk: Wait a second, maybe there's a way out of this.
[they make a stuffed Nathaniel]
Captain Greybar: Let her rip!
[the fake-Nathaniel is hurled into the ocean]
Skunk: There goes your little buddy Nathaniel, Chocki! Go play with
him! Play nice!
Nathaniel: He fell for it! Oh Skunk, Skunk you're a genius [kisses
Skunk]
Skunk: For the 10 millionth time, don't kiss me!
Nathaniel: Why must we always hide our emotions, Mr. Macho Men?
[The crew is playing cards below decks]
Big Teddy: Gimmie three.
Skunk: Three? Very interesting. Paps?
Paps: 6.
Skunk: 6.
[Nathaniel & Trina are in the crow's nest]
Nathaniel: [yawns] oh, it's relaxing up here. Staring off into the
night sky,
those sparkly twinkly things, I forget their technical name.
Trina: Stars.
Nathaniel: Whatever.. thinking about the future, and what it might
bring..
Trina: Actually I was thinking I'd kill for a cheese steak and a bottle
of scotch.
Nathaniel: Ohh, Trina, I don't know why or how this has happening to
me, but I
am developing deep deep feelings for you. Despite the fact that you
have breeding of a carnival barker(?). I must also tell you that these
feelings are not just of the zipper variety.
T: That's a relief. Listen, Nathaniel, I've been working in steel
mills since I was 9 years old, ever since I ran away from the honor(?)
farm. I'm a drifter, and a loner at heart, between forging girders and
swimming, I don't have a lot of time for relationships. Understand?
Nathaniel: Oh, I'm sorry, I was just thinking how much fun it is to
roast
pumpkin seeds. Did I mention I have an incredible crush on you?
T: That's wonderful, I'm always flattered when a psychotic becomes
smitten with me.
Nathaniel: No problem. But.. not another peep, zip, oop, you need your
rest,
We'll continue this tomorrow. Besides, you're kind of wearing me out
with your incessant babbling, in my ear all night, yadda yadda yadda.
T: Well, it was nice almost communicating with you.
Nathaniel: Kiddo, you are A-number one in my book, you know that? You
are top
dollar. You know I honestly think we're onto something here.. hey nice
shoes...
[Nathaniel slips and falls from the crow's nest, smashing through the
deck and landing on the poker table below]
[Paps uses Nathaniel's head to crush a nut]
Big Teddy: Bet one.
Skunk: See ya.
Big Teddy: I'm in.
Skunk: Paps?
Paps: Six.
Skunk: Six.
[The next day, the ship is covered in ice]
Captain Greybar: Oh, this makes a LOT of sense, we go to bed a few
hours ago
and it's 80 degrees out, now we're freezing our tails off.
Big Teddy: Hell's Bucket, no rhyme or reason.
Paps: That observation's getting a little old.
Captain Greybar: Christ! Take a look!
[ice bergs are surrounding the ship]
Paps: Dangerous peaks!(?)
Nathaniel: [half asleep] Would somebody please turn up the heat? I
told the
maid a thousand times not to open the window in the nanny's room.
[Paps wakes him]
Nathaniel: Auch auch, oh! Good morning paps! My, isn't this weather
christmasy? Hey! Let's make snow angels! Come on! Come!
Skunk: Well what are we gonna do Captain? We can't just sit here and
freeze to death!
Captain Greybar: No shit. Okay moron, you go stand in the bow and let
us know
when we're coming close to ice. Skunk, Ted, you guys stand watch port
and starboard. Me and Paps will steer through best we can. [to crow's
nest] Hey!! Woman!! Shake your butt outta bed thumbelina, we gotta a
lot of work to do!
Trina: Jeezuz, where the hell are we?
Captain Greybar: You just stay up there and keep them mascara caked
eyes of
yours peeled for ice bergs, can you handle that?
Trina: Kiss my ass!
Captain Greybar: [muttering to himself] I think I'll pass on that one,
thank
you very much.
[a huge crash is heard]
Nathaniel: Okay, you hit one.
Captain Greybar: Dammit, tell us BEFORE we hit the bloody things!
Nathaniel: Ah, [laughs] now I get it, sorry.
Big Teddy: This whole system is working out great.
Nathaniel: I don't know exactly what this means, but a giant ice berg
just
winked at me.
Skunk: Not a promising development.
Trina: Oh mamma. I don't know how to break it to you guys, but you're
about to make a new friend.
Paps: What's she lipping off about now?
[a giant snow monster climbs on to the Filthy Whore, the crew yells in
terror]
Paps: What the hell(?) a walking popsicle.
Nathaniel: Sir, it is very bad manners to pay a visit without a formal
invitation.
[the monster roars at Nathaniel]
I'm sorry, I didn't catch that, I have a trick ear.
[the monster roars VERY loudly at Nathaniel]
Captain Greybar: Quick, grab something to fight it with!
Big Teddy: What good'll that do?
Captain Greybar: How should I know? In a situation like this you make
up shit
up as you go along. Now sic him, come on, sic him!
[the crew grabs various items and attacks the snow man]
Big Teddy: Come on Skunk, poke his eye out or something!
Skunk: I.. gotta make a phone call [runs away].
[Nathaniel steps on the monsters foot repeatedly]
Big Teddy: What the hell are you doing?
Nathaniel: I think it's obvious, I'm trying to give him foot pain.
Big Teddy: What?? Get out of here! [pushes Nathaniel aside] Crazy kid..
[swings at the monster with his bat]
Paps: <something> I got me an idea.
Big Teddy: Talk about an embarrassing obituary, poked to death by a
giant human
ice berg.
Paps: Alright you icy bastard, how 'bout a hot cup of joe! [Paps has
the coffee container and sprays down the monster] Sorry we're all out of
decaff! ..you frozen... <something> son of a bitch..
Captain Greybar: Get him! Get him!
[The ice creature crashes to the deck into a million ice cubes]
Paps: Finito! Ha hah ha ha !
Nathaniel: [scoops up some ice cubes into a coffee cup] Ahhh, iced
cappuccino,
thank you gasant.
[the island comes into view]
Captain Greybar: Gives me the double dark willies just to eyeball it.
TJ: Looks like something you'd dream about after a quart of Jack
Daniel's and a couple of bad sausages.
[they row boats to the island]
Nathaniel: We made it! [kisses the ground] ahh! Thank you! Thank you!!
Ohhh! Ohh! Mmm!
Captain Greybar: Alright already! You're giving me the creeps! Okay,
let's not waste any time, here's what we need: drift wood, palm leaves,
tree sap, tree glue and a shit load of gravel.
Nathaniel: Why, are we gonna bake a cake?
Captain Greybar: The goal is to blow out of here before sundown, so no
screwing around, I'd like to get me a fish in the boat sometime before
I'm 90.
Nathaniel: Hello [To Trina, she brushes him off again]
[later, to crew]
Nathaniel: Gentleman, may I talk to you about a subject, which brings
me great embarrassment?
Captain Greybar: Let me guess, your little swimmer friend is giving you
the old freeze job?
Nathaniel: I just don't get it she seems totally uninterested in me.
Despite my smothering obsessiveness.
Skunk: Did you ever try patting her on the ass? That usually drives
'em wild.
Captain Greybar: Or dance around the room in your underwear until she
gets hot. That's how I got my last four wives.
Nathaniel: No, it's just no use. When it comes to women, I'm just all
thumbs! Just so stupid! [punches the air]
Skunk: Wait a second.. come to think of it, there is someone who can
help you with this problem of yours.
Captain Greybar: Lordy! I know what you're thinking [mutters to Skunk]
Nathaniel: wh-wh-what???
Captain Greybar: Well, they say there's a woman on this very island
who's helped many a green young cabin boy come of age and blossom into
man hood.
Skunk: In other words, she'll clean your pipes six ways to Sunday, you
know what I mean?
Nathaniel: No. But go on...
Skunk: Well, the downside is she's isn't real easy to get to, she lives
in a cave up on a cliff.
Nathaniel: I don't care! I'll do whatever it takes to win over Trina!
How do I get to this woman? Come on! Give me precise directions, will
ya?
Skunk: Basically you just saunter your ass into the jungle, you'll run
into her eventually.
Nathaniel: All right fine, that's what I'm going to do then. Thank you
fellow crew mates I'm off, and when I return, I shall be a cabin man.
[Nathaniel marches off into the jungle]
Skunk: Sweet Zeus, he's off to meet Calli.
Captain Greybar: And they never, ever, saw him again! The end!
[they laugh]
Nathaniel: Wowzer! [climbing cliff] You're doin' it! You're actually
climbing a cliff! Auughh.. Ugh... Well this is it, good luck
Nathaniel, be brave. I will be Nathaniel, alright, let's go Nathaniel,
alright.. [enters cave mouth]
[in the cave]
Nathaniel: Hello? Hello? How'd'y'do? Uh.. What the?
[Calli is here, she's blue. She's got 6 arms.]
Nathaniel: Uh.. [coughs to get Calli's attention] Excuse me miss?
Calli: Who are you?
Nathaniel: I am young Nathaniel, cabin boy of the Filthy Whore? And I..
um.. see.. Skunk said that you were...
Calli: Do not be embarrassed, cabin boy. I know why you are here.
Nathaniel: You do? Great! Well, that will save us a lot of time.
Jeez, you must spend a fortune on mittens.
Calli: However, I cannot help you with your problem, unless you answer
the three riddles of the island.
Nathaniel: Sure! That sounds like fun, hit me!
Calli: How does the moon greet her daughters?
Nathaniel: Hmm... well uh.. if she's a refined lady, and I'm sure she
is, she probably greets her young lassies with a gift of some sort. Uh,
maybe a box of peppermints or some hair care products, and then you know
it's off to the mall and lunch, "Have fun girls, bye bye" that sort of
thing.
Calli: Huh.
Nathaniel: Why don't you ask me something hard?
Calli: [thinks] What are the seven contradictions.. of ZarEEEPa!
Watcher of the equator!
Nathaniel: Ohh, jeez! I knew this too! Um... Oh.. Uh you really, this
one you got me completely stumped on, I'm sorry, does it have something
to do with the metric system?
Calli: Forget it, this is a waste of time. Come on over here honey,
you've managed to charm me with your moronic innocence.
Nathaniel: Oh, great! You know what I always say, it pays to be
yourself!
Calli: Come on! We've gotta finish before my husband Mulligan comes
home.
Nathaniel: Okay.. [kisses a hand] One down, five to go. This could
take all night. [they embrace] Oh.. uh-huh. Okay.. you're gonna do
that.
[she squeals]
That's different, isn't it.. uh-huh..
[back outside the cave]
Nathaniel: THESE PIPES, ARE CLEAN!!! [laughs] MM-hmm, and how!
[Trina is swimming in a lagoon]
Trina: [surprised]
Nathaniel: Hello Trina.
Trina: What happened to you?
Nathaniel: Let's just say I've finally shed my feminine side. Like a
snake, sheds it's fur.
Trina: You look so strong, confident! Not nearly as idiotic!
[they embrace]
Nathaniel: I'm now going to show you every thing I've been taught, I
only pray that I'm not thrown off by your lack of 4 additional arms.
[back at Calli's]
Calli: Hi honey, how was your day at the shop?
[Mulligan arrives, he's a giant]
Mulligan: Sweet of you to call it a shop Calli, we both know it's just
a hole in the side of a mountain.
Calli: Was business brisk?
Mulligan: Brisk? Not really. I sold one electric tooth brush to a
flying leprechaun.
Calli: Well don't be discouraged dear, I'm sure things will pick up
once word of mouth gets out.
Mulligan: Who'm I kidding? It was a stupid idea to open up a houseware
store on this island. I might as well go just back to devouring wild
bore and sleepin' on the beach all day.
Calli: Stop talking like that!
Mulligan: What the hell is this?
[picks up Nathaniel's wallet]
Calli: Uh, it's Linda's, she must have left it here.
Mulligan: What are you talking about? Your sister hasn't visited
in months.
[Mulligan smells the wallet]
Frozen sea food? There was a fisherman here, wasn't there! Hm?
Calli: [laughs nervously] Of course not! Where would you get that
silly idea?
Mulligan: What do you call THIS?
[pulls out Nathaniel's identification card, with "Fancy Lad" crossed out
and "Cabin Boy" written in]
Calli: Uh..
Mulligan: Dammit woman! You promised me when we were married you'd
quit helping lonely sailors!
Calli: You don't understand! It's boring lying around this dump all
day! At least you have a job to go to!
Mulligan: Oh no, I told you a long time ago no wife of mine is ever
going to work!
Calli: Where are you going?
Mulligan: I'm gonna go to kick me some sailor boy ass.
Calli: Bring back bread!
[by the beach]
Nathaniel: Oh, it's beautiful countryside, isn't it? Kind of reminds
me of Long Island city.
Trina: Hey! Where the hell are they going?
Nathaniel: Oh, wonderful! The boys must have fixed the boat, and
they're taking it out for a little test drive. Congrats Gents!
Trina: Don't you understand, those idiots are leaving us here! We're
completely abandoned!
Nathaniel: Trina, would you have a little faith in mankind! They would
never do that to me, I've become one of them, we've bonded.
Trina: Nathaniel, how can you be so naive?
Nathaniel: Well, how can you just stand there like that and just..
[booming footsteps are heard]
Trina: Holy.. crap..
Nathaniel: A little birdie inside my brain is telling me that that's
probably Mulligan. He's found out about me and Calli, and now he must
think that I'm out there on the boat.
Trina: Can you see the question mark above my head?
Nathaniel: Yeah, well, it's a complicated story I'll fill you in on it
later, but right now we have to go help our friends!
Trina: Why? They left us here to rot, I hope he kills them all. KILL
KILL!! DESTROY!!!
Nathaniel: Trina! Stop! As your recently trained lover, I'm ORDERING
you to assist me!
Trina: Wow.. Nathaniel.. no man's ever talked to me like that without
eating my knuckles. For some reason, when you say it, I actually like
it!
Nathaniel: Oh jeez, okay okay, keep it in your pants for five seconds,
will ya honey? Come on, we're on an official rescue mission here, let's
go!
[On the boat]
Big Teddy: Holy Christ in a dump truck!
Captain Greybar: Oh Skunk.. Mr. Expert, Mr. Mythology whiz, what the
hell is that?
Skunk: I have no idea. Just a big giant I guess.
Captain Greybar: We've got to head him off before he gets his grubby
hands on the Filthy Whore! Move! Move! MOVE!!!
[The crew gets in a long boat and rows to Mulligan]
Mulligan: Which one of you scum bags diddled my wife?
Big Teddy: Come on mister, don't be sore at us! We didn't diddle
nobody, especially your wife!
Mulligan: If there's one thing I hate, it's a wise ass!
[picks up the boat and throws it]
[Nathaniel is riding on the back of Trina as she swims towards Mulligan]
Nathaniel: Hurry Trina! Faster! Faster! Come on! Go girl, go!
Alright Trina, I'll take it from here!
[Nathaniel jumps onto Mulligan and grabs a pencil from his pocket]
Nathaniel: I stab at thee, thee wretched giant, shoe salesman looking
creature!
[Mulligan grabs Nathaniel]
Mulligan: Now, what should I do? Kill you separately, or toss you in
the boat with your little friends, and then sit on it?
Nathaniel: No, it was me who made sweet love to your receptive wife.
The others are innocent!
Mulligan: Do you know what I do to guys who quote unquote, "sleep with
my wife"?
Nathaniel: Discuss your disappointment with them over a cup of hot
chocolate?
Mulligan: Close. I cut their heads off with a nail clipper.
[takes out a giant nail clipper]
Come here you little rat bastard!
Nathaniel: Oh! Uh, you know, I think I'll pass on that. Um, but I'd be
happy to take you up on a leg waxing.
Trina: [on the boat] Don't you guys have any guns or anything, can't
we do something?
Captain Greybar: [on the boat] Yeah. Look the other way, this is
gonna be gruesome!
[the nail clippers get closer to Nathaniel's head]
[Chocki jumps out of the water and tears the giant's jacket, causing him
to drop Nathaniel]
Skunk: It's Chocki!
Big Teddy: I guess he's still got a soft spot for the kid after all.
[Mulligan fishes around and pins Chocki under his arm]
[Nathaniel undoes Mulligan's belt, climbs up Mulligan's back, and
strangles Mulligan with the belt]
[Mulligan collapses into the water]
[The crew cheers!]
[Nathaniel cackles and laughs on the back of Mulligan, doing a little
kung-fu wiggling]
Nathaniel: Goodbye, sweet Chocki, I shan't forget you. Half man, half
shark, equals one complete gentleman.
[Chocki swims off]
[Nathaniel is climbing back into the ship]
Captain Greybar: Help him up here! Come on!
Trina: I'm so proud of you Nathaniel, that was the most courageous
and.. bizarre thing I've ever seen! [laughs]
Skunk: You saved our lives, kid! I knew you had it in you!
Captain Greybar: You're the best cabin boy ever! You little monkey!
Big Teddy: Not bad, for a Jonah.
Paps: Here's a switch, you play, and we'll dance for you!
[They all dance to ALLEY CAT!!!!!!!!]
[The ship goes to Hawaii]
[The crew is sitting around drinking fruity drinks, Nathaniel arrives
with his bag]
Nathaniel: Well, I, I guess I got everything.
Big Teddy: What's wrong paly? This ain't no time to drag your ass, you
got it made now.
Paps: I guess you'll be eating off of silver slippers from here on out.
Skunk: That's right, no more fish sticks and chocolate milk for our
cabin boy!
[they laugh]
Nathaniel: Fellas, I was just thinking, I'm sure my daddy would give
you all jobs at the hotel.
Captain Greybar: We're just a bunch of old broken down fisherman, all
we know how to do is fish.
Nathaniel: ..and stink.
Captain Greybar: Right.
Nathaniel: But the sea is part of me now too, it courses through my
veins, and through my organs, and through my bladder.
Captain Greybar: Now don't be silly chap, your place is here, with your
pop. You know that. You're a fancy lad, and you ought to be proud of
it.
[Nathaniel says his good-byes]
Nathaniel: Big Teddy...
Big Teddy: See you kid, go get yourself a couple of high priced
Hawaiian whores for me, huh.
Nathaniel: Skunk!
Skunk: Take care kid!
Nathaniel: Paps! Paps, you've been like the drunken abusive
grandfather I never had.
Paps: Ah stop that, you'll have my glass eye fogging over.
Nathaniel: Oh Cappy! You're the hardest one to say goodbye to. I felt
closest to you throughout all of this. You were kind of like the
scarecrow in that classic children's story.
Captain Greybar: Wizard of Oz.
Nathaniel: No, I'm fairly certain it was the Great Gatzby.
Captain Greybar: Good luck butch! Fish sticks ain't gonna be the same
without you!
[Captain cries]
Nathaniel: Alright.. don't do that..
Captain Greybar: Get! Get!
[Nathaniel walks over to Trina, at the bar]
Nathaniel: Trina? Trina what's your problem? Are you drunk or
something?
Trina: Nathaniel.. It could never work out with us.. You have this
whole.. fancy life waiting for you here. I can't be part of that.
Nathaniel: May I charter you a private jet for your trip home?
Trina: No.. thanks but I plan to swim back right after I grab lunch.
Nathaniel: Okay.. a handshake.. a handshake's good, I guess.
Trina: Goodbye Nathaniel.
Nathaniel: Goodbye Trina.. well, I'm off then. Goodbye everyone! And
may your days be full of mirth and good fortune.
[they all say bye]
Goodbye!
[In Nathaniel's Father's Office]
Nathaniel's Father: Look at you! Dirty! Shabby! Common looking.
Well I hope you're happy, you have the honor of being the first
Mayweather to.. smell a bit gamy.
Nathaniel: I smell of the sea! And there's no smell more honest or
admirable.
Nathaniel's Father: My god, you're delirious! Nathaniel, what are we
going to do with you? Where in the savior's name are you going?
Nathaniel: This is for you!
[hurls his wig at his father and marches out]
Nathaniel's Father: Come back here boy, you're out of your mind!
[Nathaniel marches out and finds Trina]
Trina: Nathaniel??
Nathaniel: TRINA!! Oh Trina, you're still here!
Trina: Yeah, I was just about to head out. My steak and eggs have
pretty well digested.
Nathaniel: Listen to me, I wanna spend the rest of my life with you, at
sea! With the crew of the Filthy Whore! Like one big happy, pungent,
mildly dysfunctional family!
Trina: Are you sure this is what you want?
Nathaniel: Yeah! I am sure! I've permanently yanked the silver spoon
from my mouth and I've buried it 6 thousand miles beneath the earth's
crust! I mean figuratively speaking of course, I mean who could do such
a thing? That would be insane.
Trina: Oh Nathaniel! Your words melt like butter in my brain.
Nathaniel: Come on Trina, we've got a boat to catch.
[Nathaniel rides swimming Trina out to the Filthy Whore]
THE END!!!