AFCA cheap imitation Summary for 19-Sep-08

[Rick B. [summary]]

The known strange particles are less stable than normal matter because the
strange quark has more mass than up and down quarks, so they decay quickly
through weak interactions.

In the state of Florida, pharmacists may prescribe independently from an
approved list of medications.

Horse pregnancy lasts for eleven months and a mare can be re-impregnated as
quickly as eight days after delivery.

MONITOR SPLATTERS:

Oh, and I forget to mention that besides the liquor store, the other Very
Important Task that he accomplished was borrowing a .38 from a friend.
This is what happens when you marry a Texan, y'all.

One of my friends, in updating her address book, sent me a message
yesterday asking for my home address. To which I responded "Why, are you
sending out 9/11 cards?" She was horrified.

Mmm...strongestburgers!

Gimme a M! Gimme a I! Gimme a L! Gimme a F!

The girls at 1-800-SPANKME will miss you.

At least he didn't ask everyone to get out and push.

"McCain may be older than dirt, but he's younger than Gravel."

When the owner's not home:
"medium...large...extra large..."
"Woof!
"Alright! Cheese...pepperoni...hamburger..."
"Woof!"

MOTTOS:

I blame a combination of google, tinyurl and my own baser instincts.

Active ingredients are highly overrated.

It may be useless hoopla, but it's the only hoopla we've got.

I would never be involved with this except there's usually beer.

MOTTOS THAT WE CAN'T RECOMMEND:

"He felt, like everyone else, that he would be able to see lava start to
ooze down and a news helicopter would come in and scoop him up at the last
minute."

ANTI-MOTTOS:

I was about to try to make the same point, but you put it better than I
would have.

I plead guilty to posting from ignorance and throw myself on the mercy of
the court.

Oh man. Everyone's already said what I wanted to add, only better.

SEMI-MOTTOS:

I'm calling off-side on the nipples.

"No shoes, no shirt, no spermicides".

There is a distinction to be made between contesting and getting mired.

I'm guessing this clears up nothing for you, and you're welcome.

Dementia isn't funny enough for TV anymore.

My sheep exude the scent of indifference.

Living in Yakima is punishment enough in my book.

"I, Mighty Og, son of fire, say 'no new taxes.'"

Maybe God is just bored and decided to fuck with you a little bit to liven
up his day.

THE CONFESSIONS OF AFCA:

I'm a man of few vices, and I refuse to give up the occasional game of
Taunt The Stupid.

Back in the day, I bought any number of Ferrante and Teicher albums because
of the cover art.

I have never seen The Sound of Music. But I have seen The Spongebob Movie
well over 100 times.

On different occasions I have been thrown out of both an ER curtain and a
CICU curtain for the crime of "Failure to Stop Being Funny".

The teenage boy in me thinks that nanobots that severed spaghetti straps
would be useful.

I'm just suprised that a Stalnaker made the news and it didn't involve
divorce.

I do have a history of stealing to support my sugar habit.

Fuck, I sound like Deepak Chopra or something. I'd better lay off the
cider.

As I grow older and my memories more difficult to retrieve, I want to hire
someone younger like you to walk around and tell me what I'm actually
thinking.

Getting older sucks. In college I once pulled four all-nighters in a week,
cramming for finals. (The only effect other than fatigue was that near the
end of the fourth final I had a hallucination that I was being attacked by
an army of blue books wielding very sharp pencils.) These days, I can
barely function without eight hours sleep every night.

The reason I will not audition for Jeopardy is that I am sure at some point
on the show I would panic and suffer horrifying mortification of the flesh
by ringing in with an answer that was wrong, wrong, wronggity, wrong,
wrong, wrong. I couldn't live with it and I'd be the first Jeopardy on-air
suicide. Then I'd really be embarrassed.

I'm in the Vice fund VICEX. I figure if all else fails, booze, cigarettes
and gambling will be the last to go. As with most of my investments I'm not
confident in my theory to go in with enough to make any money in case I am
right.

GOALS, CREDOS, AFFIRMATIONS AND PONY REQUESTS:

Procrastination would be my middle name, if I ever got around to changing
it.

I should've taken my cell phone, and taken a picture of Google taking a
picture of me.

While we're at it, we should locate the diamond mines in air-conditioned
office buildings.

One of these days, I plan on getting a better scale. For now, it's near
the end of the 75 page to-do list.

They'll never get my em dashes. Never!

QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK:

[Paraphrased] My prison pen-pal, the convicted murderer, has escaped. What
do I do if she shows up at my door?

If you "may face certain death" is that like "certainly facing possible
death"?

Are there any projects that involve obtaining a remaindered A-10 Warthog
and strafing the Janjaweed?

Isn't the net momentum of the constituent particles zero?

Does the Kama Sutra need correction?

What Bible are you working out of?

Is your give-a-damn still under warranty?

9/11: is there nothing it can't do?

What if people were killed by a rhetorical question?

What happens to your spare hitch when it gets hit by an 80mph moose?

Do night nurses make more than cat burglars?

Do ghosts have high water content?

And aren't you glad we sit down to pee?

Dolphin sex?

Anal Love Dog?

ANSWERS OF THE WEEK:

You mean.... You mean.... That whole rap about "you're gonna burn in an
endless sea of flaming brimstone while John Denver sing duets with Lionel
Richie and both play the banjo for all eternity" was a /bluff/!?!

> Which leads to something I've often wondered, if the cat is
> simultaneously dead and alive, does she feel any different?
Well, yes and no.

> During long-lasting power outages, freestyle screwing usually occurs to
> relieve the boredom [...]
I finished ninth in the compulsories, so I was eliminated from the
freestyle. After increasing the difficulty of my vaults and dismounts,
though, I made a critically-acclaimed comeback and have subsequently
established myself as a popular color commentator.

> OMG I thought Soapbox Week was LAST week. Guess it must be Soapbox
> Month instead.
Does that mean I'm gonna have to take another shower this month?

>And in entertainment news, George Takei got married [...]
I notice they don't list Shatner as attending. George was probably afraid
he would try to sing.

>> Free Tibet!
> In every box?
No, no. With a purchase of one Tibet of equal or higher value.

ADVICE OF THE WEEK:

Stoicism gets you nothing.

Don't set your shoes on fire tap-dancing.

They'll see you sooner if you pee blood on the waiting room floor.

AFCA COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT:

My summary stats were so much better when I was arguing with Bonde.

Cindy McCain probably has spent less on Social Security than I have,
and probably will get more back.

Screw fashion, I want the kind of glasses I like.

AFCA DEBATE TEAM TOPICS:

(...what, the 200-post-a-day pharmacist thread wasn't enough for you?)

FUN FACT!

If the letter of resignation isn't accepted, then the would-be resignee is
considered to be a runaway employee. This designation authorizes the
federal employment commissioners to pursue the fugitive employee in any
state and return them to their proper place of employment.

ALMOND JOY GOT NUTS, MOUNDS DON'T:

One of the two of you is smarter than the other one is.

OUR FAR-FLUNG CORRESPONDENTS REPORT:

I used to have a housemate who was an Econ doctoral candidate. She liked
to say that Econ was the only "science" where you started with a conclusion
and then excluded any evidence that contradicted your thesis.

A guy with a hook for one hand carrying a big tub of popcorn with his real
hand passed me going in the other direction.

A few years ago I saw a cow moose very casually take after a tourist who
was looking through his camera lens instead of paying attention to what she
was saying to him. I didn't know people could levitate until that moment.

As a child, I wished that the ability to read without getting carsick was
an option. Instead, I sang the entire Jesus Christ Superstar opera on a
seven hour car trip. On the trip to Texas from Maryland, I settled for
picking fights with my sister.

One of the most disturbing things I've done was ride on the Alaska railroad
between Anchorage and Fairbanks during a year when moose were being killed
in large numbers by the trains. We couldn't get them off the track even by
standing on a walkway at the front of the engine and throwing flares at
them.

The last time I was post-op, one of the night nurses asked me if I ever
slept at all. I do not rest well in a hospital. But I did get a lot of
laughs strolling by the nursing station at about 3am, jangling my IV pole
and saying, "Bring out your dead, Bring out your dead."

UNSOLICITED TESTIMONIALS FROM SATISFIED AFCA USERS:

Thanks to you, I saved a bunch of money and installation was practically
effortless. And I'm a wiser man now.

CHESS 2.0:

Black Bear takes White Moose
Hawk takes Bunny
Wolf takes Elk
Cougar to King 2 -- Checkmate!

SECRET MESSAGE FROM THE AFCA HOMELAND SECURITY DEPARTMENT: THE CODE NAME
FOR SPECIAL OPS IS NOW

the State Ministry of Black Olive Size Naming

ACTION HERO OR LIBRARIAN OF THE WEEK:

Hammerstone

COMING SOON FROM AFCA NETWORK KIDS OR AFCA STUDIOS, ADULT SPECIAL PRODUCTS
DIVISION:

Edda, the Friendly Horse

WORDS AND PHRASES:

tolt (supposed to be two little dots over the o)

lahar

stady

rebah

basque (or torsolette)

jonboat

ratalopes

value-addled

moose catchers

minstrel bukake

pee-can stations

regular radio-on-radio

a wipe spread crisis

funny mental chewing gum

suck face with the tar-baby

high-speed rotary fecal dispersion

AFCA CLASSIC:

The alternate FAQ:
http://groups.google.com/group/alt.fan.cecil-adams/msg/7e33f7b44f638e35

THIS WEEK'S SUMMARY WAS MADE POSSIBLE BY A GENEROUS GRANT FROM

The Illustrated Journal of Evisceration, Impalement and Gooey Deaths

REJECTED SOURCES OF FUNDING FOR THE SUMMARY:

The Contaminated Meat Packing Company

AFCA HONORARY UMSCRIBES:

David Foster Wallace

Rick Wright

THE FORMERLY NEW FINE PRINT (v. 1.2)

The summary compiler does not guarantee to have read all posts to the
group. E-mail suggestions to deepstblu at sprynet dot com (preferably with
"summary" or "AFCA" in the subject line) are warmly welcomed, although they
may not be acknowledged in a timely manner. Minor editing may (or may not)
have been performed in the interest of spelling, grammar or general
clarity. Some effort is made to subordinate the compiler's personal
standards to the perceived consensus of the group in matters of taste and
humor.

--
"I hear talk about a great depression/I hear the drums of the war machine/I
wonder if I'm stuck in the past/Or if it all repeats just like a CD..."

[Lisa Ann]

"Rick B. [summary]" <deep...@sprynet.com.aq> wrote in message
news:Xns9B1E4FC6D...@130.133.1.4...

<SNIP>

Wow, what a day! I get to take a half day off, the summary is here, and I
made it *twice*!

Thanks, Rick!

Lisa Ann

[Boron Elgar]

On 19 Sep 2008 11:51:56 GMT, "Rick B. [summary]"
<deep...@sprynet.com.aq> wrote:

Thanks for all the hard work, Rick. You've created another wonderful
summary.

Boron

[Nick Spalding]

Rick B. [summary] wrote, in <Xns9B1E4FC6D...@130.133.1.4>
on 19 Sep 2008 11:51:56 GMT:

... great stuff as usual

Thanks, Rick.
--
Nick Spalding

[Roy Smith]

"Rick B. [summary]" <deep...@sprynet.com.aq> wrote in message
news:Xns9B1E4FC6D...@130.133.1.4...

> "I hear talk about a great depression/I hear the drums of the war
> machine/I
> wonder if I'm stuck in the past/Or if it all repeats just like a CD..."

Simply marvelous. Thanks, Rick.

Roy

[Hactar]

In article <Xns9B1E4FC6D...@130.133.1.4>,
Rick B. [summary] <deep...@sprynet.com.aq> wrote:
[snip]

You're a genius. Thanks much.

--
-eben QebWe...@vTerYizUonI.nOetP http://royalty.mine.nu:81
SCORPIO: Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming
from an open window. Work a little harder on improving your low self
esteem, you stupid freak. -- Weird Al, _Your Horoscope for Today_

[Opus the Penguin]

Rick B. [summary] (deep...@sprynet.com.aq) wrote:

> AFCA DEBATE TEAM TOPICS:
>
> (...what, the 200-post-a-day pharmacist thread wasn't enough for
> you?)

And half of those were mine. Next time remind me to take the same
position as at least 5 other people.

--
Opus the Penguin
Tell them what you like, their colon isn't so easily fooled! - Karen
AKA Kajikit

[Neal Eckhardt]

On Fri, 19 Sep 2008 08:26:12 -0400, "Lisa Ann"
<lisa...@stalnaker.com> wrote:

>and I made it *twice*!

JWTSTOOC

--
Neal

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a
peeing section in a swimming pool?

[M. Shirley Chong]

Rick B. [summary] wrote:

I admire the summary every week. It is truly amazing.

Shirley

[Les Albert]

On Sat, 20 Sep 2008 00:32:57 -0500, "M. Shirley Chong" <n...@spamfo.rme>
wrote:
>Rick B. [summary] wrote:

>I admire the summary every week. It is truly amazing.

"Truth is stranger than fiction, and 1,000 times more exciting."

Les

[Snidely]

On Sep 19, 10:22 am, Opus the Penguin <opusthepenguin
+use...@gmail.com> wrote:

> Rick B. [summary] (deepst...@sprynet.com.aq) wrote:
>
> > AFCA DEBATE TEAM TOPICS:
>
> > (...what, the 200-post-a-day pharmacist thread wasn't enough for
> > you?)
>
> And half of those were mine. Next time remind me to take the same
> position as at least 5 other people.

Well, the thread's been cited in Sumerian fashion now, so maybe I will
read a few posts.

But not on days when I using battery power.

/dps