So! What do you REALLY weigh? I really weigh little plastic bags
> Do what I do: Eat one meal a day, typically dinner. Breakfast is
> for losers and schoolchildren. Lunch is best avoided unless you're
> meeting someone you had a date with the night before, and she missed
> you for breakfast, IYKWIM.
WRONG! FATTY! Dr Squat says YOU'RE WRONG!
And Nick, listen to Dr Squat:
NEVER attempt to gain or lose "weight!"
Instead, you should always strive to
gain muscle and lose fat!
If you Gain Muscle And Lost Fat, you might weigh EVEN MORE! Like ME!
I weigh HEAPS but I think that's due to my massive Chrome-Molybdenum-
Titanium-Alloy Skeleton, and my hunky musculature.
> > So, if I want to lose weight, what works and what doesn't?
> ONE MEAL A DAY! Also, smoking helps curb the ol' appetite!
NO! Eat MORE! Dr Squat suggests eating about every two hours.
LISTEN TO DR SQUAT! DON'T LISTEN TO TOM KRAMER! KIBO DOESN'T!
Ciggies are a good idea. Smoking makes you look cool and
> > Some people say low-carb is GOOD, others say low-carb is BAD BAD bAD.
> If you're a potato, carbs are BAD. You should be getting into PROTEIN!
IF YOU KNOW WHAT HE MEANS AND I THINK YOU DO!! I'M GETTING INTO SOME
PROTEIN RIGHT NOW! No wait, no I'm not. THAT WOULD BE SOMETHING THAT
SIMON CLARK WOULD DO!
> That means MEAT!!
> Since you're down to one meal a day, you'll be able to afford
> Porterhouse! Every DAY! With Corn for roughage of course.
Get UP! Get on up! Get UP! Get on up! Get UP! To EIGHT MEALS A DAY!
You KNOW you like EATING! Eat EIGHT MEALS A DAY! LISTEN TO DR SQUAT!
> > Some people say that I should cut out the MILK.
> Yeah, milk goes though me like a freight train. And How.
Eat More Lard.
> > Other people say that pizza is harmless.
> Pizza is OK in moderation, say once a week. Remember to order extra cheese,
> so it goes through you like a freight train.
Eat More Lard.
> > Still others say that I should eat MORE MEALS in a day.
> NO NO NO read the above.
YES YES YES! Eat MORE MEALS! Dr Squat KNOWS! And Eat More Lard,
and STOP CAKEHOLING PLANKTON! Whales cakehole zillions of plankton
every day, and WHALES ARE FAT!
> > And I don't know who is who.
> I'm me dammit, trust me!
And Dr Squat is DOCTOR SQUAT! Eat More Lard.
> > If I deep-fry something in olive oil instead of vegetable oil, will that
> > help me out?
> Just remember to drink the oil after it's cooled down, it'll go through you
> like a freight train.
Deep Fry It In Lard.
> > I still have half a pint of ice cream left. Can I still eat it?
> NO! Give it here!
Parts of this message were sponsored by the Lard Marketing Board.
THEY'RE HAPPY Because they eat LARD!
Beable van Polasm
WHAT WOULD WILLIAM SHATNER DO? IQC 78189333
I was really surprised to be asked here tonight to honour Bob Hope.
Surprised isn't the right word... annoyed -- Ronald Reagan
Except for LARD! And rikishi.
> In college I skipped back to Judo, and we had 1 hour workouts coupled
> with an hour or so of sparring and throwing people at anything that
> isn't a comfortable landing spot.
So you must be pretty good at the Judo Chop by now then? Have
you ever used this deadly technique in an actual lard-or-death
> I'm not sure how healthy this was.
Lard? It's VERY healthy.
Beable van Polasm
NOBODY WITHOUT A TRIPLE-SIZE CUBICAL BRAIN CAN TRULY SMELL BACON! -- Kibo
>> I'm not sure how healthy this was.
>Lard? It's VERY healthy.
AAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAAAAARNED YUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!
Lard has ways of appearing in your mailbox.
When will you listen to me??
Hey, I LOVE raw potatoes chunks sprinkled with cool water!
(BTW, Everyone knows it's not a real potato unless it's been quartered,
deep fried, and covered with cheese, bacon, and sour cream. Ranch
dressing and chives are optional.)
}kta...@artcrime.com (Karlo Takki) writes:
}> In 1986, after like 12 shows in 14 days I weighed in at 121 and my
}> eye sockets were like the Marianas Trench.
}What, full of lobsters and plankton?
PLs SNED NOOD PGPS OF MARIANA TRENCHIS
Institute for Misapplied Psychometry fellow E Teflon Piano is founder of the
Internet 'Lectronic Legal Society. Teflon is a mark owned by duPont. E is E
poly(TFE) Piano Enterprises' [dibs] for ironic hyperbole and elitist satire.
> On 14 Oct 2000 23:54:06 +1100, Beable van Polasm <bea...@my-deja.com>
> >> I'm not sure how healthy this was.
> >Lard? It's VERY healthy.
> AAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAAAAARNED YUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!
> Lard has ways of appearing in your mailbox.
> When will you listen to me??
The LARD works in mysterious ways, his wonders to perform...
>Beable van Polasm wrote:
>> Oh yeah. Just LOVE those RAW POTATOES!
>Hey, I LOVE raw potatoes chunks sprinkled with cool water!
You are Cerebus, and I claim the whole of Estarcion, including its
Zixia - "Not a gurl since 1973"
> DAMMIT, WHEN ARE YOU USAIANS GOING TO LEARN THAT NOT EVERYONE ON
> THE INTERNET LIVES IN YOUR COUNTRY???/?
DAMMIT, WHEN ARE YOU NON-USAIANS GOING TO LEARN THAT THE US OWNS
_EVERYTHING_?!? EVERYWHERE IS OUR COUNTRY!!!1!
What, full of lobsters and plankton?
Beable van Polasm
But that has NOTHING TO DO with gravity! Everybody knows that if
you want to WEIGH LESS then you need to reduce gravity (as you said).
But then you went sadly off the rails like a Sydney commuter train.
The way to reduce gravity is to stop the Earth from spinning around.
Once you stop the Earth's rotations, gravity is nullified and we would
all weigh nothing and go flinging up into space.
Also, nobody mentioned the ultimate diet: The Army Diet. All you
need to do is to join the Army. After a few months of doing 20
hours a day of grueling exercise, like trudging up and down mountains
in steamy tropical heat carrying 50kg of crap, and eating 4 small tins
of disgusting food per day, and drinking "water" out of puddles, you
will lose HEAPS of weight! You will also become a little bit "edgy",
but getting only 1 or 2 hours sleep per day while being told what
to do by dickheads and trudging up and down mountains aforesaid will
do that to you. And the hallucinations are FUN!
> Hey, where *is* Beable anyway?
I was on HOLIDAYS! Did you miss me? Now that I'm back, you each owe
me $1000. THAT'S THE LAW OF UNSENET!
Beable van Polasm
I'm wearing coat hangers on my feet. -- Chris Costello
Oh yeah. Just LOVE those RAW POTATOES!
> BUT! WAIT!!! I grew up learning that carrots were better for you
I NEVER SAW A RABBIT WITH GLASSES! And there's some GOOD EATIN'
on those RABBITS! Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm myxomatosisy!
> The old carotene-to-retinol trick! But now they say that raw
> beta-carotene is even better for you because it grabs up free
> radicals and drags them off to your liver, where it gets converted
> to retinol anyway! But then others say this whole anti-oxidant
> thing is bunk and the vitamin vendors are just snake-oil salesmen!
> Whom do I trust? Do I cook my carrots or not?
Couldn't you just cook HALF your carrots? And eat half your carrots
RAW? And eat TWICE AS MANY carrots? I don't know why you can't work
this stuff out for yourself. I must be a GENUIS or something.
> All I know is our dog is definitely Not Allowed to eat carrots, because
> they shoot through her like quicksilver, leaving neither carotene nor
> retinol behind.
Like mercury through a duck.
Beable van Polasm
I FLIRT YOU!!!!! -- Poot Rootbeer
: [Joe Bay wrote:]
>> Hey, where *is* Beable anyway?
> I was on HOLIDAYS! Did you miss me? Now that I'm back, you each owe
> me $1000.
At first I wackyparsed that as ``you owe each of me $1000'' --
an even better rule, if you ask me.
> THAT'S THE LAW OF UNSENET!
DAMMIT, WHEN ARE YOU USAIANS GOING TO LEARN THAT NOT EVERYONE ON
THE INTERNET LIVES IN YOUR COUNTRY???/?
Joe Manfre, Hyattsville, Maryland. http://www.manfre-land.com
``And the pantheon genius should always call a ignoramus a
smeg-head whenever he sees a science fool.'' -- Archimedes Plutonium
You mean, WHEN ARE YOU UN PEOPLE GOING TO LEARN THAT NOT EVERYONE...
oh, wait a second. They do. Never mind.
ATTEMPT NO SANDDUNES THERE
Dave "use them together IYKWIM use them in peace AIHYD" DeLaney
\/David DeLaney posting from d...@vic.com "It's not the pot that grows the flower
It's not the clock that slows the hour The definition's plain for anyone to see
Love is all it takes to make a family" - R&P. VISUALIZE HAPPYNET VRbeable<BLINK>
http://panacea.phys.utk.edu/~dbd/ - net.legends FAQ/ I WUV you in all CAPS! --K.
Huh? I thought that was something you'd smoke!
Which would explain the eye sockets.
But then, on second thought, so would the NOOD PGPS.
fB "back to songs about masturbation!"
They do what? The country I'm currently in is not a member of the UN!
>> John Burrage <jbur...@cyllene.uwa.edu.au.munge> writes:
>> >No no! It is common knowledge that water boils at lower temperatures
>> >the higher up you go. This is because there is less GRAVITY holding the
>> >bubbles at the bottom of the kettle, QED.
>But that has NOTHING TO DO with gravity!
Yes it DOES! Consider these two pieces of evidence:
1. Boiling time is inversely proportional to the MASS of the base of
the container, and GRAVITATIONAL ATTRACTION is PROPORTIONAL to MASS.
2. Watching a pot can cause a SIGNIFICANT delay in the boil time, if
the centre of mass of the watcher is lower than the base of the
container, AS IS USUALLY THE CASE, for an average sized person and an
average bench or stove top (approx. 90 cm in height).
>Everybody knows that if
>you want to WEIGH LESS then you need to reduce gravity (as you said).
>But then you went sadly off the rails like a Sydney commuter train.
>The way to reduce gravity is to stop the Earth from spinning around.
>Once you stop the Earth's rotations, gravity is nullified and we would
>all weigh nothing and go flinging up into space.
In that case, the solution is to build very light, high towers for
overweight people to live on. Not only will this reduce their WEIGHT,
but the CONSERVATION OF ANGULAR MOMENTUM will cause the Earth' s rate
of spin to SLOW. BRILLIANT.
NB: Although I think you would get BETTER results if you sped up the
Earth's rotation, which could be achieved by ejecting a large mass
into space from a big cannon.
I about to be kicked off my computer.
"He's boiling time! Off with his head!"
What does it smell like when you lift the lid?
>2. Watching a pot can cause a SIGNIFICANT delay in the boil time, if
>the centre of mass of the watcher is lower than the base of the
>container, AS IS USUALLY THE CASE, for an average sized person and an
>average bench or stove top (approx. 90 cm in height).
You haven't seen some of these here boilin'-water mamas they has down South,
has you? The hair alone has a shadow that weighs six pounds!
>NB: Although I think you would get BETTER results if you sped up the
>Earth's rotation, which could be achieved by ejecting a large mass
>into space from a big cannon.
Only if you remember to aim the right direction. To est, vid wit, viz: _UP_.
>I about to be kicked off my computer.
Dave "it's ejecting a large mass of cat? Puke?" DeLaney
\/David DeLaney d...@panacea.phys.utk.edu "It's not the pot that grows the flower
"I think I shall spend my 'alf on drogs."