I Slept With Barry Manilow
BMeskunas
I've been silent for 22 years, but no longer. I know this will come as a
terrible shock to those of you who believe he's gay in the physical sense, but
once I tell you my story, maybe you'll understand why I had to keep Barry's
secret! (And I know the fact that you keep insisting he is gay must indicate
that this means a great deal to you, so I really am sorry to break your hearts
like this!)
Anyway, I must take you back to 1980. It was a dark and stormy night in
August, and Barry had dazzled 20,000 people at Blossom Music Center near
Cleveland, Ohio. I was only seventeen, but I got lost driving home from
Cuyahoga Falls to Willowick and ended up in Fairport Harbor, where I found a
bar that wouldn't card me. There I sat -- boozy, scared, and all alone --
wishing I could phone a friend and find out how to get home. Unfortunately, I
had blown all my money on that fine-quality "One Voice" merchandise at the
concert. I had me a tour program. I had me a tee-shirt. I even had me a
shiny phony gold-plated One Voice medallion hanging around my neck, but I was
in bad shape.
And, to top it all off, some moron kept playing soundtrack music from "The
Sting" on the jukebox. Hello? Welcome to 1980, you retro reject! This movie
was popular EIGHT YEARS ago! This music was popular 45 years ago! Sheesh!
Anyway, I figured if I could just bum some change off somebody to make a phone
call, I'd be okay. A stranger, dripping wet (that's from the "stormy" part of
"it was a dark and stormy night") sauntered up to my table.
I said, "Hey, you look familiar. Have you got a quarter?"
He said, "Sure! Let's dance to the ragtime!"
Lord spare me -- another weirdo. I said, "To this swill they're playing?
You're crazy!" I looked up. "You're also Barry Manilow. Oh my God! I'm
sorry I insulted you!"
He laughed in that "ha ha, I'm cool and I know it" way of his, and said,
"That's okay, I'm used to it. I'm also cool and I know it." Oh, my, we had a
good guffaw over that one!
"But what are you doing in Fairport Harbor?" I exclaimed, shocked ... nay,
dismayed!
"Well, I took off in my helicopter after the show, but we had to make a crash
landing because of the thunderstorm. We zoomed straight down into Lake Erie
and I'd be dead now except for that helpful porpoise that pulled me out of the
wreckage. So here I am, lost and trying to flirt with a pretty lady."
"Really? Who?" I asked in my innocent, charmingly naive way.
"You."
I slapped my forehead in disgust. "Well, duh, Brenda!"
Barry then sat down on the other side of the table, leaned forward on one
elbow, gazed at me with those beautiful azure blue eyes that are exactly the
color of one of those azure blue Crayola crayons, and said, in that sweet ...
loving ... totally romantic way of his ... "So, wanna go get naked and screw
like bunnies?"
I was shocked. I was speechless. "B-b-b-but B-b-b-b-b-b-arry ....
b-b-b-b-bunnies?"
He looked concerned. "How long have you had that speech impediment, Brenda?"
"N-n-no, I mean, " I said, I gasped, I faltered, "I thought you were ... you
know ..."
"You thought I was what?"
"Well ... um ... you know ..."
"Jewish?"
"No .... um .... you know ..."
"Good-looking?"
"No ... uh ... well ... you know"
"Born in 1943?"
Pause. "YOU WERE BORN IN 1943?"
"Oh shit ... '46, I meant '46."
"No, I just thought you were ... you were ..."
"WHAT?
"Dating Linda Allen!"
"Oh, no, we're just good friends!" He said in that smarmy, knowing way of
his, his eyebrows bobbing up and down like Mister Spock's on Star Trek. I was
totally turned on, of course
"But Barry, where would we go to ... you know."
"No, I don't know." Oh, he was too cruel back then, let me tell you! That
devil!
"You know, do the rabbit thing."
Barry was befuddled -- he was one befuddled bunny, that Barry. He pondered
and pondered. Barry was an adorable ponderer. Just then, as Fate would have
it, the manager of the bar yelled at one of the employees, "Hey, Spike! Go up
to the attic and bring down another crate of Jack Daniels!"
"Not me! I ain't goin' up there! It's too cold and dingy!"
Just then, my smile jumped off my face, landed on the table, bounced onto the
floor and scurried like hell up the stairs to the attic. Barry, not knowing
what else to do, chased my smile to that cold, dingy attic. And, since I knew
I'd look silly, sitting there sporting a face with no mouth, I figured I'd
better follow Barry.
And here's what happened. Somewhere in that night, we found out everything
two lovers could know. We stirred the fires within each other! Barry was my
song, and I was music too magic to end. But enough of these drippy metaphors,
listen, Barry started unbuttoning the back of my dress, kissed me on the neck,
and let his fingers lazily drift across my bare
(I'm sorry, but we interrupt this ridiculous story for our annual PBS pledge
drive. Yes, your pledge dollars go to support the fine programming you hear
right here on National Public Radio, but we can't go on giving you deadbeats
free entertainment until you pay up, dammit! 1-800-867-5309. Have you called?
Why haven't you called? We've had five callers in the last hour! What's that
all about?! 1-800-867-5309! Are you writing this down? Go get a piece of
paper, we'll wait! Support public radio now! Support it or we'll break your
kneecaps! 1-800-867-5309! And now, back to that fine entertainment you would
not be able to enjoy if it weren't for public radio, public television, and
anything "public" you can come up with. 1-800-867-5309! CALL NOW! NOW! I
SAID DO IT NOW!)
.... and there we were, naked like skinned bunnies, basking in the afterglow
and cuddling for warmth beneath my brand new, fine quality $38.00 "One Voice"
satin jacket. "Barry," I said.
"Yes?" he replied throatily.
"Um, I honestly didn't think you were Linda's boyfriend. Actually, I kinda
thought that maybe you might be ... well ... gay."
"Well," he said, "I am gay, but you have to understand, Brenda, that being gay
has nothing to do with sex."
"It doesn't?"
"No! See, I sleep with women like you, and some people might think I'm
straight. But being gay is a lifestyle, not a sexual choice. Even though I
might desire women, I choose to be gay because all the really cool artsy people
are. Remember, Brenda, being gay doesn't mean you want to sleep with men!"
"Okay ... " I said, trying to grasp the concept, "So, because I DO want to
want to sleep with men, I'm not gay, then, right?"
"You got it!"
"Well, phew! I'm glad you cleared that up! But Barry, why not tell the world
you're straight, gay, or whatever? Why keep it a secret?"
"Brenda, don't be silly. If someone brought you chocolate cake and chocolate
ice cream, and told you you could pick one, pick the other, or pick both, what
would you do? You'd take it all, right?"
"Actually, I'm lactose intolerant, so I'd probably j ust take the
--"
"YOU'D TAKE IT ALL, RIGHT?"
"Uh ... uh ... of course!"
"Well ... if I never say for sure what I am, then the straight women who think
I'm straight, and the gay men who think I'm gay, will still fantasize about me.
And they'll buy my records, come to my shows, and join Club 99 and be in my
fan club forever. In fact, I'll bet that 22 years from now fans like you will
still be coming to see me! See how brilliant I am?"
"Wow. Now I get it!"
"And I have to get lost, darlin'. It's been wonderful, it really has. But
you must promise to tell nobody my secret, okay?"
"I'm still not even sure what that secret IS, Barry!"
"That's okay, I'm not either! I'm outta here! Someday I'll write a song
about you."
"Can you give me a ride back home?"
"Here's a quarter." (echo, echo, echo)
Sigh ... that was 22 years ago ... and I remember it just like it all happened
yesterday. I can still remember how handsome he was back then .. how
incredibly sexy ... the single most romantic man, and romantic moment, I ever
had. Then he picked me to sing with him a year and a half ago in Las Vegas and
acted like he didn't even remember me! So that's why I'm breaking my word and
telling you all my story, because he doesn't deserve my loyalty even one more
day, the heartless scumbag.
LASSEIN
LOL ~ your best "work" yet !!!
LASS
Wonkafan04
MadaboutBarry
should have written the book.!.Made my night...DJ
Amy McC
>
> LOL ~ your best "work" yet !!!
I completely agree. So, the truth is finally out... about exactly *why* you
love that darn "Some Bar By The Harbor" song so much, anyway. Hmmm, and I
thought it was the skillfully written lyrics that got to you! ;-)
Thanks for cracking me up tonight.
~ Amy McC
"LASSEIN" <las...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20020327212024...@mb-fa.aol.com...
CPete1010
Yeah, me too.. starting with "It was a dark and stormy night".. because I just
*adore* the meaning in that phrase. It's a well-known fact or little-known
fact, I'm not sure which, that that phrase has actually honestly been voted the
WORST opening line ever. By whom, I don't know, but I would love to hear the
facts on it, should anyone know them.
Too funny, Brenda.
Cp
connie A.
once you found out you were pregnant with Barry child.......the once
conceived that stormy night!
LOL
I LOVED IT!
Connie A.
BMeskunas <bmes...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20020327211203...@mb-mb.aol.com...
John
Brenda you're sick.
Sharon
HOW many TIMES do I have to ask you to put a BW on your posts???? I can't
keep replacing keyboards due to Diet Coke spewings!!!! PLEASE!!!
Sharon
ps. yeah, tell us all about the love child....
David Sugar
I can't take it any longer, I've got to come out of the closet. I've enjoyed
reading you for almost 2 years and never let you know it. This last one has
finally done it for me. Thanks, that was hysterical, truly your finest.
David
BMeskunas
(ring)
"Hello? Who? John? John who?"
(pause)
"Oh, the guy who fantasizes about being a Spice girl? Let's see ... nope,
sorry, 'Zipper Spice' isn't here. May I take a message?"
(pause)
"You miss him? You're lonely since he gave you up? Wow, that's terrible ...
wait, I'm writing this down ... how should I sign this?"
(pause)
"John's Sense of Humor? I'll be sure to give Zippy the message. No problem.
Bye!"
tina...@worldnet.att.net
Tina B
***THRILL***
<tina...@worldnet.att.net> wrote in message
news:3ca33353....@netnews.worldnet.att.net...
> Thanks!
>
> Tina B
Not2233
Can you repost it Brenda. I need a good laugh.
Thanks:
Sherry
Brenda
I slept with Barry Manilow. Yes, it's true.
zipperspice
You have confirmed that with everything I have read tonight Brenda.
Therefore, I'm hardly clueless.
OH, and "Zipper", well that's my terrier-poodle.
And my name has nothing to do with the Spice Girls either. You really do
assume way too much about me.
Gosh, if you only knew the truth......
Your problem is you take what a dictionary says and define it to your
own terms, instead of having and open and willing mind to accept the
possibility that a gay person can explain being gay better than a
dictionary.
It's about love.
Period.
The dictionary is lying to you.
John
BMeskunas
So have you figured out if you're "happily married and don't want Barry or any
other man", or if you're gay?
Still waiting breathlessly to hear which one was the truth and which one was
the lie.
Or maybe you're just a troll, trying to stir up trouble any way you can?
Just a guess.
(going back to read my dictionary now)
Brenda
zipperspice
<Any self respecting gay man has figured that <out by now.
<Secondly, I'm happily married and have no <interest in him or any other
man, but thanks <for your concern.
****
<<So, Zippy, does your male partner to whom <<you're "happily married"
KNOW that you <<have no physical desire in "any man", or are <<you,
along with being clueless, a pathological <<liar?
Gee Brenda, since I have not lied at all, that would not classify me as
a pathological lier. Perhaps you should look that up in your dictionary.
Like I said before, I am gay, I am happily married to a wonderful man,
and I have no desire to be with Barry, or any other man. Other meaning
the obvious here, my boyfriend. What part of this can't you grasp?
John
BMeskunas
>and I have no desire to be with Barry, or any other man. Other meaning
>the obvious here, my boyfriend. What part of this can't you grasp?
>
>John
Nice try, John, but in the context of your original post, well before you told
us you were gay, it was very clear that you didn't want to be with ANY man. I
believe you wanted people to believe you were a happily married straight man
because it bolstered your argument, at that time, for everyone to think such
was the case.
If such was not the case, then you might want to re-think how you structure
your sentences.
>
><Secondly, I'm happily married and have no <interest in him or any other
>man, but thanks <for your concern
Instead, you might have tried,
"I'm a happily married gay man and have no interest in Barry or any man other
than my husband."
Brenda
zipperspice
"No, Zippy, I respect their OPINION when it's presented as such. But
when it's presented as FACT it activates my gag reflex.
John:
And you wonder why Barry pretended to not know you in Vegas..... LOL
..and who says I don't have a sense of humor...
John:
"Because you are a stupid son of a bitch that thinks sex defines who you
are, what you do, and who you choose to love.
Brenda:
"No, sexual labels define who you want to fuck."
John:
OH I see, so if you're a straight woman, you want to fuck who??? I know
gay men who don't want to fuck anyone or anything if you catch my
drift......
Brenda:
"As for the the
"stupid son of a bitch" part ... well, being female, I can't qualify to
be anyone's "son", but the "bitch" part certainly applies from time to
time."
John:
Actually, then it would be your Mother I was referring to, not you.
Don't flatter yourself.
John:
We are born GAY.
We know we are gay before we know what can be done with our
"equipment".
Brenda:
".....What a load of bullshit."
John:
Ummmmmm....Since you don't have a penis, I don't believe you are
qualified to offer your "bullshit" theory here. Sorry, toys don't count.
Brenda:
"Sexual urges and desires begin when we're born, even if we're not aware
of what to call them. And you have a lot of nerve speaking
for the entire gay population when you claim "we know we are gay before
we know
what can be done with our 'equipment'."
"Who the fuck is this "we" you're using?"
John:
My partner and I. And all the gay friends we have known along the years.
Hardly the entire gay population. I doubt your gay friends have told you
more than they thought you could handle on this subject. But once again,
you were busy paging through a dictionary, while "WE" were actually
experiencing this in real life.
Brenda:
"So, Zippy, does your male partner to whom you're "happily married" KNOW
that you have no physical desire in "any man", or are you, along with
being clueless, a pathological liar?"
Actually, it should be obvious I was referring to having no physical
"desire" for any man other than my partner, including Barry.
Thanks for playing.
NOW CAN WE GET BACK TO THE MUSIC????
John
Reb
@storefull-2193.public.lawson.webtv.net:
> Actually, it should be obvious I was referring to having no physical
> "desire" for any man other than my partner, including Barry.
>
>
obvious? in the beginning it seemed like you were a straight married man.
she was not alone in her assumption. it wasn't until later that you
announced you were gay.
Marge M304
>> "desire" for any man other than my partner, including Barry.
>>
>>
>
>obvious? in the beginning it seemed like you were a straight married man.
>she was not alone in her assumption. it wasn't until later that you
>announced you were gay.
She was definitely not alone....that's what I thought too. Very confusing....
Jackilope
> Brenda you're sick.
I find her writing creative and in the spirit of fun. Sometimes we
need a bit more humor and a little less intensity and finger pointing
and I personally welcome a laugh every so often.
Jackie
BMeskunas
>"desire" for any man other than my partner, including Barry.
As you hadn't previously stated that you were gay, it was "obvious" you were
straight. Let's just say your post was somewhat misleading and leave it at
that.
As for leaving this stupid argument behind and moving on to something
meaningful, like Barry's music, I'm all for it. If I never hear about Barry's
sexuality and Pat Butler's piece-of-shit book again it will be WAY too soon.
:)
Cathputer
marg...@aol.comnospam (Marge M304) writes:
I thought the same thing also.
Cath