LAST WERD 2/24/98-Nazi Space Monkeys Attack Earth!
Mr. Winky
The Last Werd (tm)
a/k/a Terlit Watch
Volume 7,775,843 - Number 32,009,461,004
(I got ants in my pants and I wanna dance!)
Tuesday, February 24, 1998
Tim Terlit, editor-in-chief
FM 66.6
New American Embassy, Bellview, NY.
Terl...@piglou.pen
http://members.piglou.pen/terlit
MISTER CAN I HAVE YOUR BANANA CUZ I WANNA GO APE!
Last night as I gazed up at the skies cleaning my nose, I couldn't
help but wonder what forms of life there must be in all that space. I
mean, what with the billions of stars and all the planets that must
revolve around them just as our beloved Mother Earth spins about old
Sol, there could be millions of species of life out there, some of them
even as intelligent as me, world famed intellect, outside agitator and
hang-about campus letch Tim Terlit! But then came the horrifying
thought which has caused me to make it the theme of this, the latest
edition of the highly cogent and always rewarding LAST WERD; What if
the life forms in space are Nazis? You know? I mean isn't that a scary
thought? And what if they're on their way right now in their super
sophisticated star cruisers to take away our USENET accounts and issue
UDPs to everybody except William Mullin and the Kook Cabal? And then I
wouldn't be able to continue my life's work, filling up the Newsgroups
with highly informative reality based observations such as the one I am
making right now! The one's read by millions of peoples all over the
world to help them in their struggles for freedom? So great was my fear
I debated taking my life, but then I came to my senses and did what I
always do when such moments of doubt come upon me, I shit my pants and
ran down stairs to find my mom.
"Mom! Mom!" cried I, "Nazi Space Monkeys are on their way to earth
and they're going to issue UDPs to everyone except my enemies who hate
me and are mean! What are we to do?!!!"
Unfortunately for me and the future of the human race, dad was home,
sitting in his chair reading the Lexington News Bugle and scratching
his big fat hairy ass. "Oh fuck," quoth he what begat my sometimes
troubled existence, "Asshole has shit his pants again. Get the hose
while I drag Screetchie out back to the shed." Screetchie being his
cruel nickname for me.
So what happened is what usually happened, they stripped me naked,
hosed me off while the neighbors looked over the fence and laughed,
then locked me in the Sears "Tim the Tool Man" tool shed for the night
so that I could "cool off." Meanwhile, of course, the Nazis get closer
and closer in their space ships and all we do is wait and do nothing.
IT IS POSSIBLE TO TALK THROUGH YOUR ASS
One of the talents I acquired while attending 15 different schools
during the 10 years various state and religious agencies attempted to
pound some book learning into my unusually thick noggin was talking
through my ass. Many people, particularly the nazis who hate me and say
libelous things about me on the computer, say I am talking through my
ass about talking through my ass and I just can't do it. I just laugh
and let my bottom do the talking. The secret is I was born with
extremely sensitive rectal muscles and something between my butt cheeks
that resembles a tongue. My dad says it's something else and that if
circuses still had freak shows he could make a fortune, but I digress.
So what I do is "bean up," take the bus down to the local Big Boy, park
my conversational butt on a counter stool and go to town! I motion to
the waitress and when she comes over I squeeze my cheeks together and
cut loose with such buttly wise cracks as, "Say honey, wanna come over
to my place and hide a hot and spicy Jimmy Dean pure pork sausage?" Of
course she has no idea it's me saying it because all the time my ass is
talking I'm drinking from a glass of milk. It's so funny though I can't
help laughing and the milk comes shooting out my nose and I lie on the
floor squealing and kicking my arms and legs like a dying fly on
crystal meth. Then they call my mom and she takes me home and locks me
in my room. Which is where I am right now.
(copydumb 1998)
* * *
--
bath...@numbnuts.com Tantrum 666 FM
Read THE LAST WERD before the Kenton County Board of Health censors it!
MMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Bop!
*** Gatewood Brown for Governor 1999 ***
willia...@nybucks.org
Ok Boomer