A day in the life of the wuss series 1-9
Don Buchan
From: s...@my.sig (Don Buchan)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative,alt.ensign.wesley.die.die.die,
alt.wesley.crusher.die.die.die
Subject: NEW: (TNG) "A day in the life of the Wuss" 1/? [G] Wesley
Date: Tue, 12 Aug 97 01:42:17 GMT
Title: "Noises"
Author: Don Buchan, s...@my.sig
Rating: G/PG
Series: TNG
Story Series: "A Day in the Life of the Wuss"
Part: 1/?
Synopsis: Everyone hates the wuss, and as such play pranks of varying
degrees of nuisance on him.
Historian's note:
A) after at least part way through the first season (reference to
"Justice")
B) at a point when the wuss is old enough to have his own cabin on the
Enterprise, whenever that is :)
C) depending on whether or not you believe that there were Federation
agents on Romulus before "The Neutral Zone" (first season finale) it
can either take place anytime according to A) and B) OR in addition to
those, sometime after the middle/end of the third season (Riker thinks
to himself 'What did our operatives miss over the past two years on
Romulus?')
D) Before he leaves the Enterprise half-way through the fourth season
Other than that, it can take place at any time in the series you like.
Author's note:
If you like the Wesley Crusher character, stop reading now. While not
offensive, this story is definitely anti-wussley.
More anti-wuss stuff can be found at:
ftp://ftp.cam.org/users/malak/startrek/wussley/
Note that you may find some of the items there mildly offensive.
And of course, Paramount owns what they own, while I just own the story
and am borrowing Paramount's properties to interact the way I want them
to for a while.
*****
The wuss heard a noise and turned around.
Empty.
Internal sensors kept track of his whereabouts at all times and made
the information publicly available in real time to all workstations
except to those he was around at a given moment, allowing all to avoid
him or know where he was so that they could more easily set up a prank,
while still keeping him in the dark of the little subroutine. Since
Captain Picard had saved him from certain death on Rubicun III, the
crew's dislike for Wussley was undeniably confirmed. Despite hating
doing it, Picard fought for him, and well, because that was his job.
That the wuss was Jack's son had nothing to do with it; he would have
done the same for anyone else. That didn't change the fact that
everyone still resented the wuss for having gotten away with breaking
Rubicun III's laws scot-free. (Some would say that it wasn't that he'd
broken any laws so much as that it just would have been an easy way to
have gotten rid of the wimp and saved them from years of the
humiliation
of just having to put up with his whining. Oh well; they all decided to
amuse themselves at his expense instead.)
He walked on. At the doors of his cabin, he waited a moment. 'Damn,' he
thought. 'Geordie forgot to fix my door sensors again.' "Computer,
identify Wesley Crusher. Entry requested." The door opened. The wuss
hated all the practical jokes he was always subjected to.
He lay down on his bed. "Computer, play a random selection from music
play list Crusher Seven." The music started, and after a moment, he got
up and went to the replicator. "Computer, Iced Tea, ten degrees
Celcius." He downed it, replaced the tumbler in the replicator and
repeated his request. Carrying the new tumbler, he went over to the
workstation. "Computer, display my messages." A couple of kiloquads
later, 'Damn. More spam. People keep hacking into my account and use it
to distribute my address to those people at the Spamford Corporation.'
It took a couple of hours of shutting down all of the ways the efforts
of the latest anonymous hacker got the spam into his account. If only
he could actually shut down the hacker. 'Come to think of it, I don't
even know if this is just one person or several, and if so whether or
not it's a group effort' he'd thought near the end of the session. He
soon went to sleep.
*****
"Mr. Crusher. Assist Mr. Worf in the weapons room. Hurry up!" Commander
Riker was understandably high strung; he hated when the Enterprise was
losing. Even more so against known enemies. 'What did our operatives
miss over the past two years on Romulus?' he thought.
Captain Picard barked out orders to Data, Lieutenant James at tactical
and the Ensign replacing the wuss, while Riker smiled a bit.
On his way down, the wuss was thinking hard. 'I've got it!' When he got
to the weapons room, he told Worf, "Worf, what if we spam the Romulan
computers?"
Worf, feigning ignorance of the previous night's prank, asked, "What is
spam?"
"It's the electronic distribution of unwanted large volumes of useless
information. Done properly, we can actually send only a small amount on
our end and once in their computers, it will self-replicate into
thousands of ads to sell the software that allows it. In the process,
it might slow down their computers enough that we'll have an edge."
Quickly, the wuss got to work. Suddenly, the display exploded. The wuss
flew back and hit the wall behind him. "Worf to Doctor Crusher. When
you have a moment, come and pick up your son. He's been injured. Uhm,
you know how to find him." Then he belly roared at the wuss' situation
and got to continuing the wuss' plan. 'This actually might work,' he
thought to himself.
Later, Captain Picard congratulated Worf for his quick thinking during
battle. When the wuss finally recovered from his injuries, Captain
Picard came to visit. "Worf told me that it was your idea to spam the
Romulans in the heat of battle. He was commended for his efforts in
defeating the Romulans; unfortunately, since spamming is unethical,
I'll have to write you up on report for possessing the skills required
to consider and execute such an act of terrorism." Little did the wuss
suspect that he'd been sent down to the weapons room not to help but to
actually hopefully be in a dangerous area during an inopportune moment.
'Hmm ... three birds with one stone,' Picard thought. Injure him, give
him a scar on his permanent record, and get extricated from an ugly
situation all at once!'
*****
The wuss went back to his cabin; this time, the door worked properly.
"Computer: Iced Tea, ten degrees Celcius." After more work to clean up
the mess in his messaging account, he decided to go to the holodeck.
"Computer: Run program Crusher nine, level four." As he walked through
the back alleys of the make-believe city he'd created for his
diversion, he let his mind wander. Besides his quarters, it was one of
the few places he actually felt safe. Barclay came out of the shadows
and brought him out of his reverie. "W-w-wesley! I noticed that you use
this program a l-l-lot. I've tried it myself on a number of occasions;
it's very imp-p-pressive."
Suddenly, a couple of thugs came out from the shadows from whence
Barclay had come. They jumped the wuss, beat him up, and tied and
gagged him. The wuss cringed, hating how he'd been duped yet again.
Later, Riker and Data came into the scene and helped the wuss up and
untied him. Walking along together they spoke about the earlier battle
with the Romulans. They were near a garbage dumpster when the wuss
found himself suddenly tossed in the air by Data and falling down in
the dirty, smelly garbage.
"Data, you're getting pretty good at giggling and understanding humour.
You've been studying!" Riker gasped between his heavy laughing.
After they left, the wuss got up the courage to move. "Computer: End
program." Back to his cabin to clean up. He fell asleep, annoyed yet
again that he'd been anywhere from mildly piqued to very much
humiliated several times that day by the crew.
*****
The wuss got up in the morning. "Computer: Iced Tea, ten degrees
Celcius. Toast and sausages." The toast was slightly burned; 'Damn,' he
thought, 'when is Geordie going to make my quarters tamper proof?' He
repeated his request and ate a light breakfast.
He left his quarters and went off to the bridge for his duty shift.
The wuss heard a noise and turned around.
Empty, as usual.
From: s...@my.sig (Don Buchan)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: NEW: A day in the life of the Wuss 2/? [G] (TNG Wesley)
Date: Tue, 26 Aug 97 22:46:50 GMT
Title: "Transporters"
Author: Don Buchan, s...@my.sig
Rating: G/PG
Series: TNG
Story Series: "A Day in the Life of the Wuss"
Part: 2/?
Synopsis: Everyone hates the wuss, and as such play pranks of varying
degrees of nuisance on him.
This will be ending up to be a series, I hope. Same style, same subject
-- annoying the wuss!
Historian's note:
A) after at least part way through the fourth season (warp bubble
reference to "Remember Me")
B) at a point when the wuss is old enough to have his own cabin on the
Enterprise, whenever that is :)
C) Before he leaves the Enterprise half-way through the fourth season
Author's note:
If you like the Wesley Crusher character, stop reading now. While not
offensive, this story is definitely anti-wussley.
More anti-wuss stuff can be found at:
ftp://ftp.cam.org/users/malak/startrek/wussley/
Note that you may find some of the items there mildly offensive.
And of course, Paramount owns what they own, while I just own the story
and am borrowing Paramount's properties to interact the way I want them
to for a while.
*****
The Wuss woke up with a start. 'Oh, it's just the comm system,' he
thought to himself. 'It's 4:30 in the morning!' he thought to himself,
a little annoyed. "Ensign Crusher here. What's up, Commander Riker?"
"We've found something that might interest you. Report to Science Lab
3A," Riker ordered.
"Computer, Iced Tea, ten degrees Celcius." He downed the contents of
the tumbler and headed to the sonic shower. Cold water came out
instead; "Computer, the setting is for a sonic shower; my water rations
file should indicate that I can't afford a water shower." 'Damn. I have
to figure out how to keep my cabin tamper proof AND remove that water
restriction; nobody I've spoken to has one.' According to the
engineering logs, it seemed that the water processing plant was running
a few tests and was on a reduced capacity, therefore the restriction.
'Hmmm...' he thought.
He walked down the hall; he heard a noise. He turned around; nothing
was there. People were having fun with those internal sensors that
followed him around.
Science Lab 3A was around the corner; he rounded it and stumbled on a
bump. Before he could turn around, he thought he could hear the muted
whine of a transporter beam. The spot where he had stumbled was as flat
as the rest of the hall.
He stepped up to the door and almost stepped into it. 'Damn, these
pranks are really getting old,' he thought. "Computer, identify Wesley
Crusher. Entry requested." The doors whooshed open.
"What's up?"
"The region of space we are occupying appears to be exhibiting abnormal
levels of subspace radiation which may prove useful as a means to
increase warp efficiency and speed. Since you seem to have a natural
affinity toward the "Traveller" from Tau Ceti III, we thought you
should look at our sensor readings," Data replied. "I must return to
the bridge. While there I will coordinate the sensor readings such that
they are transmitted to you here in this lab." Data imperceptibly
snickered as he left Science Lab 3A.
*****
After half an hour of analysing the data, the wuss started running a
few simulations. Suddenly a flash engulfed the room; a moment later he
regained his balance and looked around. Things looked normal; he got up
and went out the door to the hall. Despite appearances, there was a
certain sense that something was afoot.
"Computer, report any abnormalities on board."
"There is an atmospheric disturbance on Deck 5. It is exhibiting signs
of an inter-dimensional rift. Captain Picard has just noted that you
should investigate." Had he not known better, he would have sworn the
computer's voice sounded insistent.
Cautiously he proceede
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