EQ - BiTuna saga.. complete and uncut!!!

[Michale Worley]

Below you will find, in it's entirety, the complete and un-adulterated
BiTuna and EQ saga... this was taken from the dssmilli site and can
you believe how many times the page was viewed??? i made sure to place
the counter numbers right here at the top for all to see

*****This page has been visited 200040 Times.*****

This is from Milli himself... the saga follows below his narrative and
prelude.

I would like to state for the record that while EQ was selling hacking
equipment he was off limits because I will never flame or comment on
any other dealers' business practices no matter how much I know they
lie or scam or misinform for that would be unethical in my opinion.
Since he has been busted and is no longer a dealer I consider him fair
game although I myself never entered in any of the threads that
discussed his methods, mental state of sexual perversions, for fears
of some of that stuff rubbing off on me. You can find the proof for
the level of his derangement on the news group alt.dss.hack which he
single-handedly destroyed causing every person with the ability and
inclination to help drown in his spam and useless drivel. I dare to
volunteer that 90% of the people there killfiled him (yours truly
included) in a feeble attempt to avoid having to read his antics
accusing everybody who expresses dislike and disgusts to be a
terrorist, but he constantly changes his name there to be in your face
so I'd rather not read much there any more. He is a well known pervert
and obsessive compulsive liar. But that is enough of the character
reference. The reason for this page is that there is a person in there
who is blessed with a very fine sense of humor as well as literary
ability who recently launched a series of articles of EQ and his
EQally perverted wife (BiTuna). I feel that these articles are a
source of many giggles and worth collecting so read them below. To
understand the fine points and the recurring themes here is a few
pointers: EQ's wife is bisexual (not that there's anything wrong with
that) and they both are into the swinger's lifestyle. They have now
stomped into ground by DTV for selling hacking tools in the US and
their customer records are the playground for DTV's lawyers (and Mr.
Rissler's who was in charge of the investigation) who will be sending
the extortion letters to all who was naive enough to believe this
serial liar about offshore encrypted customer records. EQ owns a white
truck with a ladder rack on its top (he was vain enough to post
picture of his business and truck helping the FBI to find it even
easier). He was deemed imbecile by his own lawyers and his inability
to act as an adult causes despair to them. I would like to warn
everyone that the texts are unedited as they appear on the public
newsgroup alt.dss.hack and may offend you so read them at your own
discretion. I removed their real names out of my free will as I
realized it was no good taste to post them here. I took this page off
for a while because EQ disappeared from alt.dss.hack but he now reared
his ugly head again in one more despicable act of trying to exploit
the Columbia Shuttle's tragedy in vain to generate traffic for his
primitive web site (my dogs could design something better). All his
other domains are now owned by DTV maybe this one too, do NOT visit
them.
The articles are below in no particular order

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Start of the BiTuna Saga - An Open Letter from EQ

The saga of BiTuna became public with this public admission by her
beloved. BiTuna was Humiliated.... and sunk into depression. Her
reputation as the lovely Divrlady was being tarnished by the conduct
of her spouse.

He wrote in this post:

>EQ <Mic...@pIn.cc> wrote:
>
>>I am writing this letter because I Michale Whorley and a worthless
piece of
>>shit. I live just to disrupt this and other news groups. I am
pathetic.
>>
>>Because of my stupidity, I am now in the middle of a law suit with
Direct TV for
>>selling equipment to people for the sole intended purpose of
stealing their
>>encrypted signal. People here tried to warn me but I was to stupid
to listen to
>>them. I had to be me. I had to be high profile. I had to be EQ.
>>
>>I have been rude to the members of this NG. I have told lies,
cheated and even
>>stole for them. But my thieving and lies did not start in this
group. One of my
>>first internet con jobs was to rip off a lady for a tape deck. We
made a deal in
>>good faith (or so she thought) and she sent me the device. I decided
to go back
>>on the deal. I then claimed the unit was broken and that was my
reason for not
>>paying her. I kept the unit, ignoring her pleas the do the right
thing and pay
>>her.
>>
>>I have also been involved in making threats against people. For
example in the
>>swingers group I threatened a woman in there with personal harm. I
sent her vile
>>emails and made threats that I would show up and do physical harm to
her. Yes
>>that's right, I did this to a woman! It's funny because I make
statements in
>>here about how I never do this, or never I never do that, but the
fact is I am
>>guilty of all of it and far worse. The things I accuse others of, I
am guilty of
>>those things as well.
>>
>>Because of my actions my family and friends have been subjected to
insults, and
>>legal action. I am so self centered and egotistical that I
continually place my
>>need to be in the spot light ahead of their well being. I try and
place all the
>>blame at the feet of the people who attack myself and my family.
Make no mistake
>>they are guilty of these attacks. Be what I am to self consumed to
admit is that
>>if I was half a man, half a husband, half a father, half a decent
human being I
>>would not place my family and innocent people it this position. I
consitly speak
>>about it, but I have no integerty.
>>
>>Why would any decent husband and father (even if it were their
right) continue
>>to be involved in an action that causes his family to be painted in
a light so
>>vile, a light of sexual misconduct, perversion and illegal
activity. Why?
>>Because I am not a decent husband and father. I am EQ. I am the
scourge of the
>>earth. I am all that is disgusting, stupid and unclean.
>>
>>My life consists of me sitting at the computer scanning NGs looking
for someone
>>to post a message that contains something I can respond to. If I
don't find
>>enough of those messages, I will create them myself. I will even go
as far as to
>>post vicious remarks about my own family, so I can then blame others
for it. I
>>will start off topic threads just for that purpose. This helps to
perpetuate
>>the endless string of postings about me.
>>
>>Although I have a good vocabulary I am pretty much an idiot. I have
managed to
>>convince myself that others are to stupid to see the truth in front
of them.
>>When anyone corners me, I will post a lie and then focus attention
on that lie
>>or some other item that had nothing to do with the original subject
matter. I
>>also believe that people have very short memories. So even if I am
caught in a
>>lie, I will just wait a while and then post that it never happened
that way. I
>>am EQ.
>>
>>I will at some time of course respond to this very message, I may
post a one of
>>my idiot canceled posts, or maybe even one of my famous
Baaawwwaaahhha remarks.
>>I am EQ and I am an idiot.

===========================================================

My name is *****

My name is T****, and I like to suck on cocks.
My Daddy tries to poke me, when I put on my socks.

My poor pathetic Daddy, he may get his wish.
That one day my Mom Bituna, won't smell so much like fish.

Kirkland & Ellis, they answered EQs threat.
Suing dumb ass Daddy, for all they can get.

The lawyers call him IMBICILE, behind his slimly back.
But here in the Whorley house, we always knew that fact..

My Daddy is a loser, he's stupid, bald and fat.
Larry will bend him over, "saying give me some of that".

EQ is always saying, "I'll go it alone".
We'll see if he likes the taste of Larry R's bone.

Me and The Tuna, will be living in the street.
Forced to turning tricks, and sucking Larry's meat..

EQs mom is crying, while his daddy cranks his bag.
Mikey is the dumb ass son, they wish they never had.

He hangs around here every day, stinking up the place.
But Dave is gonna take a dump, right in Daddy's face.

T****

====================================================================

Dear BiTuna,
The results of your tests are positive. You have Vaginal ICK. This is
very
common for carp-faced, barnacled twats such as yourself. Please
refrain from any
more of your perverted group sexual activities, including ones that
involve
animals. You must also apply a generous amount of draino to you vagina
to kill
any of the virus that may have been deposited there by your canine
screwing
husband.

Dr Fat Finger

===============================================================

If you have a Bituna you need this product!

Are you embarrassed to be seen in public with your carp-Face Bituna?
When you have animal swapping parties, is your carp-face tuna the last
creature
picked?
Does your carp-faced tuna's breath smell like fish?
Do you have to put a bag over your carp-faced tuna's head during sex?
Are you being sued for selling illegal satellite card devices?

If you have answered yes to any of the above questions, then you need
the new
Carpet Bagger©! The Carpet Bagger© is a portable, easy to install,
cover for that hideous faced Bituna that only you think is lovely.

The Carpet Bagger© will quickly and easily cover your Tuna's face so
you can
take it to the vet for check-ups without having people stare and make
disgusting
comments when you are out in public.

The Carpet Bagger© is made from space-age Kevlar© so it won't rip or
tear during
rough sex, feeding frenzies or repeated blows to the head by others
that find
her presence repulsive while eating their diner.

And because you can order the Carpet Bagger in a number of colors or
animal
designs, your Tuna will be the hit of your perverted animal sex and
pet swapping
parties. Choices include the Horse Face, Miss Piggy, Cow Eyes, Screw
the Pooch
and the popular Sexy Sheep design.

We know you'll want to buy the Carpet Bagger for the fit, finish and
quality
alone, but there is more...

The Carpet Bagger© has a built in Little Trees© air freshener to help
your
Bituna's breath stay fresh and smelling like a scented forest, instead
of the
crab crouch it normally does.
It also comes with the patented FPL system (Fisheye Protective Lens)
so your
Bituna can see where its going ,and feel like it is in it's natural
environment.
The FPLS also provides protection to the Bituna's big bulging
bloodshot, boiled
egg, looking eyes, while keeping them hidden from public view.

The Carpet Bagger comes with a guarantee. If you're not completely
satisfied
with your Carpet Bagger for any reason, just call us. We will come to
your
house, pick-up the Carpet Bagger and beat the shit out of you and
your ugly
Carp-Faced Lesbian Fish, at no extra charge or cost to you!

Now the best part......

The Carpet Bagger© is only 3 payments of $100,000. That is less than
what you
would have to pay in legal fees, if you were being sued for selling
illegal
satellite card devices. But if you order now, you will also get......

The Rissler©, a 120 volt butt plug that will simulate what will happen
when you
lose your case for selling illegal satellite card devices. The
Rissler© is a
high quality device the uses compressed air and operates at up to 60
psi. It is
guaranteed to be a pain in your ass. Normally to experience the wrath
of the
Rissler© it might cost you hundreds of thousands of dollars and hours
in court.
But the Rissler© is yours free with the purchase of the Carpet
Bagger©.

So hurry and call now, our operators are standing by..

Call 1-800-EQSUCKS to place your order.
(Mention this ad and also receive a free ladder rack for your white
Big Wheel©)

Accessories:
Option 1 - Snap on poly carbonate shell. Converts the Carpet Bagger to
a DOT
approved Motorcycle helmet (not for competition use)
Option 2 - External wiper blade kit for FPLS (requires purchase of
option 5)
Option 3 - Night Vision kit for FPLS (requires purchase of option 5)
Option 4 - SCUBA/Snorkel kit (includes special water tight seal for
FPLS and
snorkel , air tank and regulator sold separately, call for more info.
Not for
use with option 1,2 or 3)
Option 5 - Battery pack with AC power adapter.

Legal stuff:
This offer is only valid to IMBECILE residents of St. Augustine
Florida who
throw perverted sex and animal parties at their house while their
under aged
children are home, post serial liar, Endless Quarrel type messages in
ADH, sit
alone in IRC chat rooms and are being sued for the sale of illegal
satellite
card devices. Option 5 available to certified divers only.
==========================================================

St. Augustine man falls ill after eating tuna fish sandwich

A North East Florida man became gravely ill today after he ordered and
ate a
tuna sandwich from a St. Augustine deli. Further investigation showed
the
sandwich had been contaminated with Bituna fungus. The deli was closed
as the
Florida health department searched the store for more traces of the
fungus.

The fungus has a greenish/yellow color and smells like the rotting
reproductive
area of the carp faced fish. The man was air lifted to the hospital
for
decontamination. The deli clerk stated there was a fishy smell coming
from the
meat counter but had no idea it was the tuna fish.

"There was an ugly bulging-eyed woman in here earlier. I noticed her
because she
smelled really bad,...like rotting fish and had scaly skin", said the
clerk.
"She was hanging around the fish counter looking at the tuna. She kept
looking
at me and rubbing herself. I went in the back to get the manager, and
when I
came back she was gone. A little later a man came in and ordered a
tuna fish
sandwich. He was sitting at that table eating it, when he started
gagging, and
fell to the floor. I just don't know how this vile creature can be
allowed to
walk and swim around like this. Whoever is owns this thing must be a
complete
IMBECILE. I can't image any sane or normal person living with a mutant
fish such
as this one".

Police are looking into the possibility that the fungus is from the
same thing
that has been terrorizing the NE Florida area over the past few days.

There were also reports of a stupid, fat, bald man riding a tricycle
with a
ladder rack and student driver plates fleeing the area. The man is
wanted for
questioning in connection with the on going Bituna investigation and
for selling
illegal satellite card devices.
===================================================================

Bituna Virus attacks Windows XP

11/13/2002 -Redmond Washington
In its latest attack the now famed Bituna has managed to make its way
into the
Windows XP computer operating system. The "Tuna" has taken a lesson
from hackers
and uses a trick known as "a back door". But in this case Bituna's
back door has
a twist. It uses what is being called "the bait bucket". An
unsuspecting web
surfer or news group reader will read a post that he or she thinks was
written
by a useless dimwitted IMBECILE known on the net as an EQ. Most
readers will
just kill filter or delete these posts because they contain no
creditable or
worth while information. Normally this is the correct action to take
when you
come across an EQ post. But what appears to be happening now is the
Bituna is
forging EQ posts. The Tuna is able to produce the same useless drivel,
just like
the real EQ. When an unsuspecting user reads a Bituna forged post,
they delete
it. The Bituna then sits and waits in the users trash bin. It consumes
the other
trash in the users recycle bin. If any of those files contain
information
related to the users system, the Bituna may be able to gain access to
the
operating systems critical components, such as email or news group
access. Once
inside the Tuna will begin posting messages in news groups such as
alt.dss.hack,
or alt.perverted.animal.sex.

Sources at Norton anti-virus say this is one of the vilest virus' it
has ever
seen. "The thing gets inside the computer and somehow causes the
computer to
smell like.., well a rotten piece of tuna fish". The biggest problem
is people
think only Microsoft systems are effected. We have seen this stinky
fish virus
in Linux based systems, MACs, even a DMV driver's license photo
computer.

In the case in the DVM infection a 65 year old African-American male
had his
picture taken for a license renewal. When the picture was printed by
the
computer he looked like a female carp faced, bisexual tuna fish, and
the drivers
license had an oily feel and a fishy smell to it.

Users that suspect they have been infected with the Bituna virus
should empty
their recycle bin and spray their computer with Lysol.

There have also been reports of a fat, bald man being sued for selling
illegal
satellite card devices, towing a white tuna boat with a ladder rack on
top being
spotted outside the Redmond Washington CompUSA.
================================================================

Bituna linked to Iraq

UN weapon inspectors have expressed concern that Iraq may be trying to
form an
alliance between themselves and the Bituna, with the possible intent
to
circumvent future UN inspections. The Bituna is a large humanoid
sized,
hideous, smelly, carp-faced, bisexual, bug-eyed, tuna that has adapted
itself to
land as well as water. The Tuna secretes smelly, viscous
greenish/yellow pus
from its reproductive organ. It uses this pus to either disorientate
or
incapacitate its victims. Some of the victims have even been sexually
assaulted. A recent attack on NASA's space shuttle and the apparent
ability of
the Bituna to deploy itself over the Internet in computer virus form
has caused
concern among the weapons inspectors.

"We always knew that our job in Iraq could be hazardous. We know we
could be
exposed to violence, chemical or even biological hazards, but we never
considered something so vile and frightening as the Bituna". Stated
an
unidentified UN inspector.

US security agencies and the White House refused to comment on the
matter
stating it falls under the umbrella of national security. But source
within the
government that did not wish to be identified for obvious reasons
said, "This is
a very scary situation. The Tuna has no regard for what is considered
normal and
decent. If the Tuna does indeed process the computer knowledge, and
the
bio-capability that is being reported, we could have a real crisis on
our
hands".

Much speculation revolves around how the Tuna may have gained its
computer
savvy. It was originally thought the IMBECILE MP that stole the
mutant fish
from an overseas military base, taught the creature its computer
skills. A
computer professor from MIT debunks that theory. "We have seen the
capability of
the IMBECILE. He is by far one of the most computer illiterate people
I have
ever come across. He might think he is computer savvy but he is pretty
much an
idiot. I believer the correct term for him is lamer. He has been
proven on more
than one occasion to be a delusional, serial lair".

This leads to the baffling question.. where did the Bituna learn its
computer
skills? Authorities speculate that the Tuna attended training at a
local St.
Augustine Discount Computer store. "Bituna more than likely attended
a computer
training course during the many hours that the IMBECILE spends online
posting
his drivel in alt.dss.hack. The Tuna could have attended the courses
and the
IMBECILE would never have known. He never spends much time with his
family or
his mutant carp faced pet".

The owner of the local computer store says he remembers an ugly woman
with
bulging fish eyes attending a computer course there this pasted
summer. "I
remember her because she was always cursing about her stupid husband
being sued
for selling illegal satellite card devices. I also remember her
mini-van. It was
white with a ladder rack on top. The reason I remember it so well was
because of
the license plate. It read X32 IARO. It never made much sense to me
until she
was driving away and I saw the plate in the store window, which acts
like a
mirror".
================================================================

BiTuna Delays Shuttle Launch

11/11/2002 Kennedy Space Center Florida

An un-named source at NASA stated today that the reason the launch of
the
SpaceShuttle Endeavor was scrubbed was more than just a simple oxygen
leak.
Reports are beginnings to surface that the infamous Bituna that has
been
terrorizing St. Augustine over the past few days has now expanded its
area and struck the Kennedy Space Center. Apparently the Bituna which
has the face a of a
mutant carp and Bi-sexual habits gained entrance to the Kennedy Space
Center by
riding down the Florida coastline on a Seadoo purchased with funds
from the sale
of illegal smart card devices. The carp faced creature then jumped
from the
watercraft and swam into the Space Center avoiding the security
personnel. After gaining entrance to launch site the amphibian
overpowered engineers by secreting a foul smelling puss from its
reproductive organ. The engineers suffered no permanent injuries but
most stated they would never eat another fish.
After incapacitating the technical staff, the Bituna proceeded to
damage
an oxygen line on the orbiter. "We believe the fish was trying to
engage in
some sort of sexual activity. It must have mistaken one of the valves
on the
orbiter for a sexual partner. Some of the technicians have often
commented that
the valve resembles part of the female anatomy. We found it sucking
on a
valve. It (the valve) was not designed for that type of abuse,
hopefully since the
leak is small the delay should only be for a day or so. I have never
seen
anything so repulsive in my life". The Tuna managed to escape
capture.
The authorities want to question a fat, bald imbecile seen in the
area
on a white Jet-ski with a ladder rack on top.

========================================================

BiTuna escapes prositution bust after police faux pas

The Tuna was briefly in police custody last might after being rounded
up in a
prostitution bust. The Bituna was arrested on Crazywhore Lane around
midnight.
Crazywhore lane is in the red-light district of the city. The
residents in the
area are known for having perverted wife swapping parties with minors
present.
There have even been reports of animal sex parties. Beside illicit sex
parties,
the area is home to a busted dealer of illegal satellite card devices,
who is
currently being sued by DTV.
Bituna was arrested for performing oral sex on an undercover police
dog. "When
Duke a Black Lab, refused Bituna's solicitations, she offered to pay
him with a
box of Begg'in Strips", said the captain of the canine unit. "He did
what any
dog would do, he took the treats and humped the fish. After all he is
a dog".
Because of Dukes lapse in judgment we had to let the Tuna go on a
technicality.
To be honest we were glad to she her go. "The squad room smells like a
cheap
fish market in July. Some of the guys went home with a real case of
the 'blue
flu'. Apparently Bituna's greenish/yellow pus looks like fruit Jell-O
when it
congeals. That's a mistake I don't think they'll make again".
We didn't realize it was the same Tuna that has been terrorizing NE
Florida. We
are searching the area for the vehicle she was seen getting into after
she was
released from custody. The vehicle is a white Suburban with a ladder
rack on
top. We were able to get a partial plate from the truck IMBEC. We are
searching
DMV record for a match.

=========================================================

Plane crashes with BiTuna on board!

A small, single engine, plane crashed in the Everglades late today.
Early
reports suggest that Bituna may have been aboard. Even more startling
are the
reports the plane was intentionally downed. Details are sketchy at
this time.

NTSB officials have stated that one body has been recovered from the
crash site,
but no positive ID has been made. The body was badly mutilated, but
not from the
crash. "The fish had a skewer stuck up its ass, and had been deep
fried in
peanut oil. The meat was nearly picked clean from the body and it
appears to
have been sexually assaulted. This is inconsistent with what we would
expect to
find at a crash site. Because of this we have not been able the
positively
identify the body of that of the Bituna. There was also a large amount
of smelly
greenish/yellow gelatin substance scattered about the cockpit. Again
the
location of the pus is not consistent with this type of crash. It's as
if the
crash scene had been staged".

The plane was discovered by a local frog leg hunter and his young
female
companion T****. "We was cut'in the legs off some big ole giggers we
had caught
earler. I heard this loud screaming BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH noise up over
head.
Then I seen a plane splash into the glades up a ways. I had the
little T****
paddle the mile or so to the crash site. When we got to the plane, it
was empty
cept for them fish bones and a half eaten diner roll. T**** ate the
roll cause
she was hungry and I wouldn't let her have none of them frog legs.

While T**** was scarffing down the roll I saw a big ole bald, fat guy
in a white
life raft with a ladder rack on top paddlin away from the plane. I
remember
thinking to myself, what kinda IMBECILE would put a sign on the side
of a life
raft that said 'illegal satellite cards devices for sale'. The only
thing I can
figure is it must be some idiot from NE Florida. Them are lots of
perverts and
dummies out tat way". That's were I met T**** here. She seems to like
the wizard
hat and robe I wear. Hey ya'll wanta buy a some web pototas?"

The NTSB has ask the Fish and Wildlife department to assist in the
investigation.

===================================================================

NE Florida girl contracts Bituna Disease.

A 15 year St. Augustine girl was admitted to St. Augustine Sisters
Hospital
today with symptoms of Bituna Disease, more commonly known as
carp-face. The
child who's name is being with held because of her age (referred to
only as
T****) was admitted with symptoms that included swollen boiled egg
like eyes,
scaly skin and large protruding lips. She also had a slight fishy
odor.

Doctors at the hospital said she is in the early stages of the
disease. "The
symptoms are mild at this time but will begin to become more
pronounced as she
gets older and become sexually active". Specialists are being flown in
from
Zimbabwe to evaluate the girl's condition and plan the next course of
action.

The where abouts of her mother and father are unknown at this time.
There was
also speculation that the child's father is an IMBECILE and may be on
the lamb
due to a law suit involving the sale of illegal satellite card
devices.

The same IMBECILE is also wanted for questioning regarding the crash
of single
engine airplane in the Everglades yesterday. It is believed the half
eaten; deep
fried body found in the wreckage may be the mother of the child. The
DNA results
have not come back from the lab.

In an related incident a fat, bald man with traces of the Bituna
fungus on his
lips and face was admitted to the same hospital after he fell off and
was run
over by his white riding lawn mower with a ladder rack on top. When
the man,
(with below average IQ) was ask what happen, he just yelled
"BAWAHAHAHAHAHA".
"This individual is suffering some sort of brain damage, but not as a
result of
his mower mishap. His brain damage appears to be a pre-existing
condition". He
was sedated and a rectal probe was inserted to monitor his brain
functions.

===================================================================

BiTuna is HUMILIATED by EQ again... EQ Remembers

In a shocking admission, BiTuna's spouse makes another public
confession... BiTuna sinks deeper into depression....... Michael
has lost it...

>EQ <mic...@pIn.cc> wrote:
>
>>I remember my childhood. My daddy fondling me, my little sister
beating my ass
>>and making me wear dresses.
>>
>>I remember my mother kicking me in the nuts because I played with
dolls.
>>I remember the kids in the school yard holding me down and giving me
golden
>>showers.
>>
>>I remember High School, the time a gang boys from the drama club
raped me (I
>>love drama).
>>
>>I remember the army, and the guys just beating my ass every
night.They would
>>take me behind enemy lines and drop me off.
>>The enemy would rape me and toss me back...I loved the army.
>>
>>I remember the night I met my wife. she was 15, hanging around the
base giving
>>blow jobs. She laughed at me and kicked me in the nuts. I married
her a year
>>later.
>>
>>I remember when I was kicked of out the service for asking and
telling.
>>
>>I remember alt.swingers and all the people I met, all the herpes,
VD and those
>>crabs...I love sea food.
>>
>>I remember posting pictures of my wife and kid on the internet.
>>
>>I remember when I started scaming folks in here, taking money and
not sending
>>product.
>>
>>I remember lying about my customer records.
>>
>>I remember taunting DTV to bust me.
>>
>>I remember getting caught in lies about my product, flames I made,
posts I
>>forged and address' I posted on the internet.
>>
>>I remember when DTV raided my house and business.
>>I remember the look on my wife's face as DTV looked though her
underwear drawer.
>>I remember the guy who threw up and then passed out when one of the
agents held
>>up a pair of Bituna stinky panties with his 2 latex gloved fingers.
>>
>>I remember all the yelling and hooting as Bituna slurped it up on
the female
>>agent.
>>
>>I remember Tunya kicking me in the nuts and calling me a putz.
>>
>>I am EQ and I remember.

=====================================================

BiTuna Sinks into Depression - Seeks new Friends!

After the multiple humiliations from the IMBECILE, BiTuna is horribly
depressed, and threatens to leave him.

The IMBECILE responds with this mass appeal:

>Date: 2002-10-06 07:38:04 PST
>From: (E...@pIn.cc)
>Newsgroups: alt.dss.hack, alt.swingers

>Subject: NE Florida Couple Seeks Beastiality
>
>
>Let us tell ya'all a little bit about us.
>
>We have been trading sexual diseases for almost 20 years
>
>We started in the Beastiality Lifestyle around 1989.
>
>Michale (EQ) is 37, with brown eyes and a over size bald fat head. He
is about
>6' and weighs in at about 315. Michale is a stupid fuck by trade but
has also
>been a police dog feeder, a Security Risk and a welfare recipient.
Michale is a
>veteran of the United Gay League (Tongue N Tush) During The Storm
Michale hid.
>Michale is gay and is very obnoxious, socially.
>
>Divrlady (Bituna) is 35 and is a grotesque strawberry blonde with a
toothless
>smile and whale body. She has black and blue eyes that are sometimes
>bloodshot. She is about 5'4" and is approx 190lbs. She is not
called Divrlady
>solely because she likes to munch the carpet, she also dumpster
dives. She is
>bi, but she enjoys beastality too much to be disappointed if the
female half of
>a couple isn't interested in Bi play. Divrlady is basically very shy
until she
>starts drinking then she becomes a load mouth slut. She is content to
let
>Michale do the cocksucking.
>
>We predominantly play as a couple. With prisoners, though,
>we have been known to allow each other to play if the other cannot
for
>some reason. The few times we have been to the SPCA and played
separately
>was not a very good experience for us and it simply reinforced our
belief that
>the beastiality Lifestyle should be enjoyed AS a couple WITH other
animals.
>
>We enjoy wrestling, trash picking and dumpster Diving. We have just
>recently bought a new inflatable raft, WET DREAMZ and are looking
forward to
>many "fun" times on it! :) We also have a new slip and slide to
play on and
>with. We feel the social side of beastiality enhances the sex side
beyond
>compare!
>
>We are happy advocates of the breatiality Lifestyle. While the
Lifestyle
>won't cure the ills of a precarious relationship, it will definitely
enhance
>a secure and happy relationship between man, woman and beast.
>
>It truly is "A Sick New World".
>
>Take care and Happy animal fucking.....
>
> Michale n Dumpsterlady
> www.pln.cc/mnd

===============================================================

BiTuna Needs a Housekeeper (a REAL post from EQ)

As a result of the constant torment, legal peril that lies ahead...
BiTuna's intuition proves correct, and she seeks a suitable companion.

>From: Michale n Divrlady (divr...@cdrinc.net)
>Subject: NE Florida Couple Seeks Live-In Bi Housekeeper

>Newsgroups: alt.swingers
>Date: 2001-05-16 04:54:06 PST
>
>
>We're a mid 30s lifestyle couple. Been very happily married for 20
>years and in the Lifestyle for about 11 years.
>
>We're looking for a live-in housekeeper. A female who is bi-sexual.
>We want to have a social friend, a sexual playmate as well as hire
>someone to cook and clean. Room, board and salary provided, plus
>access to nice amenities of our 7 bedroom home in a gated community.
>Pool, Jacuzzi, etc etc. Airfare provided to the right person, if
>needed. Non smoker a must.
>
>Please email qualifications and photo. We will reciprocate with a
>photo of us and take it from there...
>
>Thanx
>
>
> Michale & Divrlady

=====================================================================

The Life and Times of Bituna.

Follow the life of Bituna Whorely. From the early days when she was
just an
embryo at a secret South Pacific Military base. Find out how she was
forced to
have sex by with dim-witted, less than honorable Military Policeman.
Go inside
and learn the secrets behind the smelly ooze. Find out at what age her
carp-face
features began to show up.

This book will feature secrets you could have never imaged. See inside
the
Whorely house. The horror, the pain, the sex and animal parties.
Witness the
downfall, and the creature's heartache as its world began to crumble
amidst the
legal trouble from the sale of illegal satellite card devices.

Meet the chief scientist that lead the experiment on the South Pacific
Island.
Hear his story of what went wrong. Meet the neighbors, the lawyer and
the
household pets. See the actual copies of the law suit. If you have
followed the
Bituna series, this book is a must have.

This book has an attractive leather cover with gold inlay, a special
pull-out
scratch and sniff card so you can smell the foul stench of the famed
Bituna
disease.

But that's not all. Because of the power of Slime Wife Books a
special deal has
been made with the St Augustine Mint Miniatures. Included with your
copy of "The
Life and Times of Bituna" you will receive a genuine handcrafted
1/24th scale
replica of EQ's white peddle car. The peddle car has a movable
steering wheel,
rolling rubber tires and a functional ladder rack on top. Every
attention has
been paid to detail, right down to the urine stained drivers seat!

This book is sure to go fast, so order now, you'll receive it in time
for the
Christmas Holidays!

===============================================================

Beastiality Reported at BiTuna's.....

This reportedly came from a neighbor of the infamous BiTuna....

>From: EQ's neighbor Subject: Beastiality continues at Whorley house
>
>Newsgroups: alt.dss.hack
>Date: 2002-11-01 14:50:07 PST
>
>
>Apparently the beastiality continues in the Whorley house as reports
surfaced
>today of people engaging in perverted sexual acts with a large fat
ugly bisexual
>Tuna. Neighbors reported hearing moans and screams coming from a
carp-faced
>bituna earlier this afternoon. One man was seen running from the
house holding
>his nose. Another man was quoted as saying the stench was
unbelievable. Other
>men were seen performing bucocky on the land fish. Fish and Game
officers
>finally showed up to put a stop to the circus. The biTuna's owner
was cited for
>keeping a hideous animal without a permit. The citation was later
withdrawn when
>the pets owner produced a copy of the marriage license.

====================================================

Breaking News!!! Bituna implicated in Florida voting problems!

11/11/2002 Election Headquarters

A source deep inside the Florida political machine revealed the Bituna
may be
reason for the problems Florida has been experiencing with voting.
Hanging
chads, pregnant chads double punches, confused voters, all the fault
of the
Bituna. Voters all over America remember the election official with
the large
bulging eyes intently examining the ballets in the wake of the
Bush/Gore
recounts. DNA taken from an oxygen valve on the Space Shuttle Endeavor
that was
recently attacked by a land-walking, jet ski riding, amphibious,
carp-faced
bisexual tuna that likes to frequent topless go-go bars, matches the
DNA found
on election ballets examined by the bug-eyed election official. It
would appear
the tuna and the official may be the same person. There is speculation
that
after the election the "Tuna" under went a sex change operation, but
subsequent
plastic surgery that was supposed to repair the tuna's disfigured
facial
features, instead aggravated the condition.

Sources say the "Tuna" used what is now becoming its trade mark,
"stink
attack" to confuse the voters. Many of the voters were elderly and the
vile
smell from the Bituna's nether regions easily overpowered them as they
placed
their votes. This led to the improperly punched ballets. "It ashamed
that in
this day and age something like to could happen." said a voter. "I am
shocked"
said one election official. "I just figured that rancid smell at the
polling
places was from all the medication those old folks were using."

A fat, bald IMBECILE that is believed to have performed the botched
operation
was seen fleeing the area on a white moped with a ladder rack on top.
Officials
want to question this individual in connection to other incidents,
such as
animal sex, child endangerment and the sale of illegal satellite card
programming devices.

============================================================

Carp_Faced Bisexual Tuna found in NE Florida

11-09-02 Scientists discovered a bisexual tuna in St. Augustine
Florida.

A marine biologist enjoying a beer at a local St. Augustine go-go bar
captured a
walking carp-face bi-sexual tuna. "What a find, I can't believe this
thing" said
Dr. Futura Shock. I was just sitting there at the bar and I heard
people
screaming and yelling. I looked over and there was this carp-faced
tuna
munching the carpet of one of the dancers that was on break. So I ran
over and
hit it a few times with a pool cue until it let go."

"I had just finished a table dance with a freaky little tweeb regular
of mine
that goes by the name of Webspuds", claimed T**** a dancer at club
Espew. "I
had to cut the dance short as always because he popped his load in his
pants. I
stood up to wipe off the cum off my leg. All of the sudden an ugly
fish-faced
Tuna jumped up and latched onto my twat. It began munching and biting
me. Thank
god that scientist guy beat the shit out of it with a pool stick. The
really
weird thing is its face looked alot like my mom". T**** was treated
and
released from the local hospital because of a fast spreading vagina
fungal
infection.
The tuna was subdued and placed in a large bait cooler in the back of
Dr.
Shock's pickup. "I took the thing back to the lab, it was the
smelliest, ugliest
thing you ever saw". The tuna which has been officially named
Carpet-Facial-Lesbina-Tuna-Fish. The lab crew just calls it BiTuna for
short.
I believe this thing is a product of a military experiment. The marine
life lab
in Guam reported a loss of a test subject about 20 years ago. It was
believed a
crooked and stupid MP that was stationed on the base had broken into
the lab in
a misguided search for prototype smart card technology that was
rumored to also
be in development on the base. "Apparently this horny, sexually
perverted
IMBECILE saw the tuna and engaged in sexual intercourse with the under
aged
fish", stated an Anonymous source.
My bother's firm is currently engaged in a legal matter with the
owner of the
go-go bar. It is kind of strange because he has this butt ugly fish in
here
attacking people and he was recently raided for selling some illegal
smart card
devices. "Something is not quite right with this guy" said Harry
Rissler a
patron at the club.
Another person who only identified herself a Hussy, stated "I have
been to the
guys house, he is a complete idiot", he has all these wife swapping
parties at
his house. Girls on girls, guys on guys, even animal fucking. Shit his
kids are
even home during the parties. The girl that was attacked, the dancer,
is his 15
year old daughter. The guy is a sick fuck. It is also rumored a few
people that
he ripped off on the internet turned him in, and then his house was
raided".
And his son, god was packer that one is. He is as queer as a 3 dollar
bill"

Update: In a strange twist the BiTuna is now missing from the
Bio-Marine lab.
The day the Bituna went missing a stupid, bald, fat IMBECILE was seen
in the
area.

=================================================================
Body found in crash not Bituna's

The DNA taken from the body that was recovered after a single engine
airplane
crashed in the Everglades, is not from the infamous Bituna. DNA tests
were
preformed by specialists at the Liverwurst Labs in St. Augustine,
proved a
negative match.
The tests show the DNA was actually from a marlin that had been
surgically
altered so it would make NTSB investigators believe it was a
carp-faced tuna.
"We suspect foul play here. Whoever did this wasn't too bright. They
might have
gotten away with it, if they hadn't deep-fried the body in peanut oil,
and then
eaten most of it. Only an IMBECILE would do something like this.
Somebody wants
us to think Bituna is dead".
Bituna is wanted for questioning in a series of attacks and assaults
through out
Florida, that has left a number of people injured, and even forced a
launch
delay of the Space Shuttle Endeavor. "We have also been talking to the
Office of
Homeland Security, because of the possible link between Bituna and
Iraq.
We have a picture of Bituna on vacation with a man wearing a white
turban. We
also have seen pictures of that same man engaged in sex with Osama
Bin-laden.
We know he is sometimes referred to as EQ Bin-Lying, but that may not
be his
real name.
Traces of a Pillsbury diner roll where also found at the scene.
Investigators
confirmed that they are working with a team from weight watchers to
help them
develop a profile of the perpetrator. "We believe this is the work a
confused,
bald, over-weight, dim-witted, ex-military type. Other clues point to
the
individual as being a possible failed businessman that may be
embroiled in a law
suit, because of his sales of illegal satellite card devices.
Sources close to the investigation reported they are also searching
for a 14 or
15 year old girl who was at the scene and may have also eaten some of
the
evidence. "The girl is not considered a suspect at this time. We
believe she may
have simply eaten the diner roll because she was hungry. We believe
this girl to
be neglected by her parents, and is traveling with a man who calls
himself Mr.
Wizzard. T**** if you are reading this, contact us, we only want to
help you"
It was also learned a small white life raft was found in the northern
most part
of the Glades. "The raft had clearly been abandoned. But before
leaving the raft
someone took the time to remove what we believe was a ladder rack from
the top
of the raft. (A white raft with a ladder rack had been report in the
area of the
crash). Underground pet love magazines where found in the raft, a
phone-list
containing contact info for most of the abuse departments of the major
ISPs and
newsgroup providers along with a empty bottle of Rogaine.
Psychologists described the suspect is delusional, of very low IQ, and
possibly
abused sexually as a child. "It's clear this individual has no friends
and no
social skills. A person like this is inclined to engage in deviant,
perverted
behavior, such as beastiality, and wife swapping. People like this
will go to
great lengths to call attention to themselves. They usually end up
bankrupt, and
confined to a mental institution. When confronted with the truth, they
continue
to deny the facts in front of them. Things that make sense to normal
people are
lost on individuals suffering from 'EQL" (EQ Logic). Research shows a
fair
number of people who suffer from "EQL" end up committing suicide.
==============================================

Bituna traces found at Motel 3 some.

A man was found bound and gagged in a hotel just outside St. Augustine
early
this morning. A couple on a cross country trip called police and
reported they
heard what sounded like muffled screams.
When police arrived at "Motel 3 Some" they found a man lying on the
bed, bound
and gagged.
"This is one of the more bizarre things I have ever seen here, and I
have seen
quite a few things", said a patrolmen at the scene. "This place is a
favorite
for the folks that are into the deviant sex stuff. They come here for
three-somes, gay sex, animal sex, you name it. We ran a sting
operation a few
nights ago and this woman actually tried to pick-up one of our police
dogs!
These people will do just about anything".
The man Erkel Eng was found lying on his stomach. "When we found Mr.
Eng he was
face down, tied to the bed, naked and covered in white Latex paint.
Someone had
glued a white inflatable ladder rack to his back. When we got there
Eng was
moaning, After removing the duct tape and a can of Kippers from his
mouth, we
ask him if he was ok. He stated he had a pain in his rear end. Upon
further
investigation officers discovered an illegal satellite card device had
been
inserted in the victim's rectum. The person, who did this, is clearly
trying to
send a message that E.Eng is his property, his "bitch".
A clerk at the hotel stated that Mr. EEng and a fat, bald man who
looked as if he
had Down Syndrome frequented the hotel regularly. "At first they used
to fight a
lot, but then they became lovers. Sometimes people would pick on the
little one
and the fat, bald guy would jump in and protect him. The little guy
would
sometimes kick and bite people that said things about the fat guy. It
was like
they were married".
Local police confirmed reports that traces of Carp-face Tuna were also
found at
the scene. "At this point it is unknown if the pus found inside the
hotel room
belonged to the infamous Bituna. It would be premature to say if
Bituna played
any a role in this. To be honest we aren't really sure what the hell
happened
here". Rumors have surfaced that this was some kind of love triangle
gone bad.
Mr. Eng was treated and released from a local clinic. He was given a
prescription for antibiotics to treat a rare fungal infection on his
face, lips
and tongue.

==============================================

Tyson claims he was fondled by Bituna

An incredible story has surfaced concerning the always-controversial
heavy
weight boxer Mike Tyson. Its been learned that Tyson claims to have
been fondled
by the Bituna. Sources close to the Tyson camp say Mike told his cut
man he had
been fondled by the mutant carp-face creature on 2 separate occasions.
Once
before the last Lenox Lewis bout and before the now infamous fight
with Evander
Holyfield in which Tyson bit Holyfield's ear, removing a sizable piece
of meat
in the process.
Tyson claims to have met the Tuna at a 'Reading is Fundamental'
fundraiser in
which Tyson was the keynote speaker. Bituna was attending the event
because of
her background in education.
"After the event this ugly carp-faced bitch came up to me and started
talking in
my face, saying there aren't enough books about sex in the schools. I
kept
trying to get away from her. Not because I wanted to dis the book
situation, but
because that bitch's breath was the worst thing I ever smelled. It was
remarkable, it smelled like fish shit!
Then this crazy man cornered me, telling me wanted to convert. He said
he want
to become a Muslim". He called himself Ehommad Q' ueer. He was all
dressed up
in some robes that looked like those cheap ass throw rugs you can buy
from
Wal-Mart. The fat ass even had a towel on is head, that he had stolen
from the
St. Augustine Holiday Inn. I told the fucking IMBELICE to get away
from me
before I knocked him out. He kept telling me he really wanted to
convert to the
Muslim religion, and how great Allah is. Then he told me he had
something for me
cause he knew I loved animals. I went out side and there was this
albino camel
with a fucking ladder rack on its back. I love animals, I got a tiger
in my
house in New Jersey, but what the fuck am I gonna do with a white
fucking camel.
I can't have no white fucking camel in my neighborhood".
"I went back inside to get a Ginger ale from the bar because Muslims
don't drink
alcohol. But mostly to get away from that nut. I was kinda
disorientated after
talking to that fool. I was sitting there thinking about how fucked up
people
are and all, when that fish-faced woman came over. She sat down and
started
fondling me, right there at the bar. I felt cheap and violated".
According to his cut man, Tyson got up and ran to his room. He didn't
tell
anybody what happened at that time because he was embarrassed. "I only
learned
what happened after the fight". Then during the Holyfield fight he
(Tyson)
happened to look out in the crowd and saw a Fish-headed woman sitting
in the 2nd
row. "She was so fucking ugly I lost my concentration and Evander
nailed me with
a jab and stunned me a little. Then Bituna used some kind of
telekinesis mind
control shit on me. I just snapped and bit Holyfields ear off"
Tyson claimed a similar thing occurred before the Lewis fight. He said
the Tuna
had fondled him in a Starbucks coffee house. Again Tyson didn't report
the
incident because he was embarrassed and figured no one would believe
him anyway.
Then during the Lewis fight he spotted Bituna in the front row. "Those
big
boiled-egg eyes were fixed on me. I felt the energy just being drained
from my
body. I couldn't punch and my legs felt like lead. That's why I lost
those
fights.
The military would not comment specifically on Bituna, but other
sources inside
the OSI have confirmed the military was also conducting telekinesis
research at
the same base that Bituna was kidnapped from.
Based on this new info the Boxing Commission has stated they are
starting an
investigation into the bouts.
HBO has also stated they are looking into the possibly that illegal
satellite
card devices sold by the camel's owner were used to watch the Tyson
fights.
Tyson's lawyers are considering a lawsuit against Bituna for improper
sexual
behavior.
=========================================

Bituna saves trucker.

In an odd twist of compassion and kindness the Bituna saved a truckers
life
earlier this morning.
A tractor-trailer truck carrying potatoes caught fire and exploded on
Rt 1 just
North of St. Augustine. The driver a brainless fool and Internet
potato farmer
forgot to open the ventilation doors on the trailer. "Those little
doors allow
the heat that builds up inside the trailer to escape". Said a Florida
highway
Patrolman. "He is one lucky person".
When potatoes are packed in a truck and transported they actually
begin to rot.
When that happens, gases are given off, and heat builds up. If the
heat and
gases aren't vented a fire and or explosion can occur. It's not unlike
what
happens to grain elevators.
Apparently that is what happen to Mr Wizzard owner-operator of the
internet
potato company, WebSpuds. Mr. Wizzard was driving north on Rt 1 when
his trailer
caught fire. Mr. Wizzard panicked when he looked in the mirror and saw
the truck
was on fire, losing control of the rig. The 18-wheeler ran off the
road where it
rolled over, settling on its side. Mr. Wizzard was trapped inside the
burning
rig.
Witness' say they saw flames coming from the trailer as it skidded off
the
roadway. A white custom Volkswagen Beetle limousine with a ladder rack
on top
that appeared to be following the truck pulled over after the wreck.
"I saw this
gaint carp-faced tuna jump out the window of the VW. It flapped and
flopped
across the highway just like a fish out of water until it reached the
cab of the
truck. The trucker was pined inside crying like a baby. The fire was
burning
pretty good at the point. The Tuna began spraying pus all over the
truck,
putting out the fire. She saved that guys life, but man, it sure did
stink. The
smell of burning Bituna pus reminded me of what an airplane crash site
smells
like. It has a very distinct smell. I thought I was going to vomit.
Another witness claims she saw a teenaged girl emerge from the
passenger side of
the overturned rig. She was clutching a can of Pillsbury Diner Rolls.
She was
crying but didn't seem to be injured. She got in the back of a white
VW. After
the little girl got in the limousine the Bituna started kicking and
hitting the
truck driver in the head with her fins.
Other motorists claim they saw the chauffer from the VW, a fat man
with a white
Holiday Inn towel on his head moving boxes of what looked like illegal
satellite
card devices from the tractor-trailer to the VW. Police suspect the
driver Mr.
Wizzard and the fat bald guy with Down Syndrome were business
partners. It is
believed that Mr. Wizzard intentionally gave bad advice to hackers on
the net to
avoid the use of a device called an emulator. Use of the emulator
would have
saved their cards from the 'Black Sunday' ECM. Those who listened to
his advice
found their card useless, unless they purchased a device called a
bootloader.
The fat, IMBECILE, chauffer owned a company that just happened to have
sold
bootloaders. Authorities believe the potato transport was just a cover
to move
the now useless stock that was missed when the company was shut down
after being
raided for selling the illegal devices
The trucker who was appearly traveling with the unidenifed teenage
girl was left
at the scene by the Carp-faced fish and her chauffer. Mr. Wizzard is
now in
police custody. He is being treated at a Sisters of St. Augustine
Hospital for
minor burns, and a rare fungal infection. He faces 1 charge of
operating an
articulated vehicle of more than 24,000 lbs without a license and
several
charges of stupidity. He is now believed to be an informant.
====================================================

BiTuna Breasts Bungled!

A simple surgical procedure went horribly wrong. Doctors at the St
Augustine
Free Veterinary Clinic refused to comment about the surgery, but, an
un-named
first year medical assistant told us that a crap-faced bi-sexual tuna
identified only as Bituna came into the center for special breast
implants
called "Shimp Pellets"
"Somehow the records got mixed up, and instead of implanting silicon
breast
packs, doctors mistakenly attached a pig penis." The corkscrew shaped
pig penis
is approximately 18" long.
Bituna didn't seem to be to upset, but she did have some trouble
walking. This
just means she no longer has to wear a strap-on while having sex with
her
IMBECILE husband. "Ever Queer is a big Sopranos fan. Ever since he saw
the
episode where Ralph was getting it up the ass, he wanted me to wear a
strap-on".
Bituna was also seen at party that was thrown to celebrate the
settlement of
their illegal satellite card device law suit. Ever Queer was using
Bituna's new
pig penis as a corkscrew to open a $2 bottle of wine for his guest and
new sex
friend, Larry R. Ever Queer was seen later in one of the 7 cubical
size bedrooms
grabbing his ankles as Larry unzipped his pants.
While the party inside was raging a small team of auto mechanics were
removing
ladder racks from vehicles parked on the property.
=======================================================

Bituna wins unlucky lottery

The Gods of fate and good fortune were not smiling on Bituna early
this morning.
A live in gardener and sex partner at the St Augustine gated community
that is
home to the carp-faced bi-sexual Tuna and her IMBECILE husband found
the stink
bottomed creature flopping around in the driveway with her new pig
penis stuck
under the garage door.
The pig penis had been mistakenly attached to the smelly fish faced
amphibian
in a surgical mishap that was suppose to see her get breast implants.
"She was a laying there in a big ole puddle of pus squealing like a
stuck
carp-faced bi-sexual tuna fish with a pig penis. Her bug-eyed faced
was pressed
up against the garage door.
Bituna was having sex with a ladder rack that had recently been
removed from a
white Mini Cooper. The ladder rack was being stored just inside the
garage.
Bituna's cork screw like pig penis had become stuck in one of the
rack's
mounting holes when she climaxed. Unfortunately for Bituna her
ejaculation
sprayed corrosive pus onto the automatic garage door safety mechanism
that
controls the door, causing it to malfunction, pinning her pustule
populated pig
penis under the door.
Rescue workers managed to free the ladder rack from the clutches of
the cork
screw cock. The ladder rack was not hurt in the incident.
Apparently Bituna's screams for help were ignored by her son Belcher
and
daughter Tunja who were sitting at the kitchen table playing with
anatomically
correct stuffed animals. Her perverted Down syndrome husband, who
works 6 to 10
hours a day on the computer sending emails to Internet Service
Providers in a
failed attempt to get web pages shut down and accounts canceled, also
ignored
her plea for help.
Bituna was transported to a local fish hatchery were she is expected
to make a
full recovery.
The annual family Christmas beastiality BBQ will still go on as
planned. "This
year is special as we will be celebrating our settlement of the
illegal
satellite card device suit", said the dim witted, bald headed, endless
quarreling IMBECILE, who is known to be a serial liar.
==========================================================

BiTuna suspected in Mini-Mart robbery.

A Mini-Mart was held up at pig penis point late last night. Police say
while no
one was hurt during the robbery the store is now a bio-hazard. Police
suspect
the carp-faced fish Bituna was behind the holdup. Maybe she was just
trying feed
her family.
The mutant fish-faced pig penis freak, pocketed over $300 in breath
mints, a
flea collar and a tube of ladder rack touch up paint. According to a
witness,
who was hiding in magazine section,"Bituna began spaying the store
with pus in a
fit of rage after she was unable to find anything that would cure
vaginal
warts". It is believed that Bituna developed the vaginal warts as a
result of
engaging in self-sexual intercourse with her recently acquired cork
screw pig
penis.
"That ugly crap-faced bi-sexual tuna ruined my store" said Gim-me da
Butay, the
stores owner. "She came in here waving that pig penis in my face. She
said she
would shoot me if I didn't co-operate. When I came to this country I
worked hard
and saved my money. I bought this store. I tried to get along with
everyone and
give back to the community". Mr. Butay immigrated to the United States
in 1994
from the Republic of Antarctica.
The Tuna recently fell on hard times when she and her IMBECILE husband
who
are embroiled in a losing law suite for selling illegal satellite card
devices
filled for bankruptcy. "This guy is the world's biggest idiot",
claimed one of
his past lawyers. "He thinks he won this case? The guy is a fool, he
spent over
$500K on a case he didn't have a chance of winning in the first place,
and then
he files for bankruptcy. What a buffoon. He is under the delusion that
this is
somehow going to protect him. They will still proceed forward in the
case and
they will obtain a judgment in their favor. If they win, the customer
list will
certainly be one of the items they will seek as a minimum. His
customers are
pretty much screwed. I have talked to these people, whole damn family
has
mental problems. Stupid is as stupid does".
Because the stores video surveillance system was damaged by the
corrosive pus,
Police had to dust the store for fin-prints. They have sent the info
to Sea
World's labs in hopes of finding a match in their marine life
database.
Police also fear that the recent bankruptcy filing may cause Bituna to
become
even more desperate. This may translate into an increase of
prostitution in the
area, and the spread of STD's. Some law makers are suggesting that
latex based
condom manufactures be forced to place a warning on the package
informing users
that the product will not protect them from corrosive Bituna pus. A
simple
warning logo such as a picture of Bituna with the standard red circle
and line
through it may be enough, say health experts. One health expert says
the
warnings aren't necessary. "Would you have sex with Bituna? Only an
IMBECILE
would even consider having sex with something some gross and
disgusting".

=====================================
The 12 days of BiTuna

On the 1st day of marriage BiTuna gave to me,
A rash on my pee pee.
On the 2nd day of marriage Bituna gave to me,
2 blue balls,
and a rash on my pee pee.
On the 3rd day of marriage Bituna gave to me,
3 herpe simplex,
2 blue balls,
and a rash on my pee pee.
On the 4th day of marriage Bituna gave to me,
4 fingers fisting
3 herpe simplex,
2 blue balls,
and a rash on my pee pee.
On the 5th day of marriage Bituna gave to me,
5--- gay-- choir-- boys
4 fingers fisting,
3 herpe simplex,
2 blue balls,
and a rash on my pee pee.
On the 6th day of marriage Bituna gave to me,
6 tubes of K-Y
5--- gay-- choir-- boys
4 fingers fisting,
3 herpe simplex,
2 blue balls,
and a rash on my pee pee.
On the 7th day of marriage Bituna gave to me,
7 black dildos
6 tubes of K-Y
5--- gay-- choir-- boys
4 fingers fisting,
3 herpe simplex,
2 blue balls,
and a rash on my pee pee.
On the 8th day of marriage Bituna gave to me,
8 carpet munchers
7 black dildos
6 tubes of K-Y
5--- gay-- choir-- boys
4 fingers fisting,
3 herpe simplex,
2 blue balls,
and a rash on my pee pee.
On the 9th day of marriage Bituna gave to me,
9 Tunja's tricking
8 carpet munchers
7 black dildos
6 tubes of K-Y
5--- gay-- choir-- boys
4 fingers fisting,
3 herpe simplex,
2 blue balls,
and a rash on my pee pee.
On the 10th day of marriage Bituna gave to me,
10 felchers felching
9 Tunja's tricking
8 carpet munchers
7 black dildos
6 tubes of K-Y
5--- gay-- choir-- boys
4 fingers fisting,
3 herpe simplex,
2 blue balls,
and a rash on my pee pee.
On the 11th day of marriage Bituna gave to me,
11 Crabs a crawling
10 felchers felching
9 Tunja's tricking
8 carpet munchers
7 black dildos
6 tubes of K-Y
5--- gay--- choir-- boys
4 fingers fisting,
3 herpe simplex,
2 blue balls,
and a rash on my pee pee.
On the 12th day of marriage Bituna gave to me,
12 strains of VD
11 Crabs a crawling
10 felchers felching
9 Tunja's tricking
8 carpet munchers
7 black dildos
6 tubes of K-Y
5--- gay--- choir-- boys
4 fingers fisting,
3 herpe simplex,
2 blue balls,
and a rash on my pee pee.

========================================
Mutant Fish & Wildlife Magazine -February 2003 issue
- Bituna Applies for food stamps -

(Editors note: After a month or so of hiding it would appear that the
mutant
stink-bottomed carp faced bi-sexual tuna has again surfaced in the St.
Augustine
area. MF&W magazine was able to follow up on a lead provided by a
person who
claims to have inside info about the infamous Bituna.)
A St. Augustine social services employee, who was recently demoted due
to gross
stupidity, agreed to talk with us about the recent developments in
Bituna's
life. The man who said he had taken steps to protect his identity,
appeared
wearing a clear plastic trash bag over his head with cut-outs for his
eyes, and
sporting a pizza stained tee-shirt with Mr. Wizzard handwritten in
magic marker
on the front. The halitosis breathed man stated the carp faced
bi-sexual tuna
came into his office to apply for food stamps. "I was surprised to see
Bituna
in our office. At first I didn't recognized her, because I was busy
picking at a
large zit that had formed on the side of my nose. I figured she was
just another
extremely ugly woman, and I might be able to get a date with her. Then
I noticed
the hideous carp like facial features. As she was standing in line
people began
holding their noses. The stench from her nether regions was pretty
repulsive!"
Records provided by the mentally challenged social worker showed that
Bituna
claimed she is unable to feed her family since her IMBECILE husband
turned stool
pigeon as part of a 5.8 million dollar settlement for selling illegal
satellite
access card devices. Bituna claims that she has been forced to
scavenge un-eaten
food stuffs from lunches that have been discarded in the trash of the
St.
Augustine public school system. Documents show that Bituna frequents
the trash
of Pre-K schools. Experts we talked to suspect this is because the
half-eaten
lunches contain foods that are more agreeable to the serial lair's
palate. His
taste in food is of course is driven by the IMBECILE's underdeveloped
brain.
However, some experts disagree, saying it is because the Pre-K lunches
typically
contain higher instances of Flintstone's Chewable Vitamins, and the
IMBECILE
likes to pretend the Dino ones are little gerbil suppositories.
According to the cross-eyed state worker Bituna appeared haggard and
de-shoveled. She claimed this was from the many long hours she spends
working
the streets to earn extra income as a hooker for the homeless. She was
also
showing signs of a severe vagina discharge, as well as an advanced
case of ich.

===============================================
Bituna arrested in alpaca sex ring.

St. Augustine authorities disclosed today that the infamous half
human, half
stink fish better known as Bituna the carp-faced bisexual, was arrest
today for
running an animal sex ring at a local Alpaca farm.
Alpacas are small, gentle animals that are a member of the camelid
family,
which also includes dromedary and Bactrian camels, llamas, vicunas,
and
guanacos. They are raised on farms around the country for their wool
like fur.
Bituna was employed at the farm cleaning up Alpaca manure to earn
extra money
because her IMBECILE husband has a $5.8 million judgment against him
for selling
illegal direct to home satellite smart card devices. It seems she was
also
getting money for setting the Alpacas up on blind dates with members
of her
Hookers Anonymous group, claimed an investor in the local farm. "We
knew
something was wrong because some of the Alpacas would become nervous
and
agitated when Bituna would approach them. At first I thought it was
just because
she is so incredibly ugly, but then I noticed a few of the males and
females
Alpacas had sores on their reproductive organs. Bituna has those same
sores on
her face and lips.
Authorities say charges will also be brought against Betuna's son,
Felcher.
Closed circuit cameras in the stalls show Felcher performing acts of
sodomy on 2
of the younger male Alpacas. Animal right activists plan a
demonstration in
front of Bituna's gated community home. "She is a sick perverted
creature, just
like her gerbil loving husband", stated one of the protest planners.
"I hope her
and that down-syndromed husband end up in the same jail cell".
There is no proof at this time that the IMBECILE was involved in the
Alpaca sex
ring. Although Investigators did find a large amount of Alpaca fur and
seamen
near the computer that he uses. The loser claimed he didn't know
anything about
the fur or the seamen, and that he was doing what his master Dave
wants, which
is causing trouble on an internet hacking news group, said detective
Barney
EEng." But records show he is a serial lair and nothing he says should
be
believed. We think he likes the Alpacas because they have soft padded
feet, and
they have no top teeth in the front". Detectives also found a bucket
of Alpaca
manure in the daughter's room. Apparently Tunja was using the Alpaca
poop in her
high school pottery class, and had no involvement in the sex ring.
It is feared the Alpacas involved will face many years of therapy.
===============================================
Paramedics saved a NE Florida family after they tried to comply with
the
government's suggestion on how to protect against a possible bioterror
attack by
using plastic and duct tape.

Apparently the family, (which is lead by a man of questionable
intelligence)
decided to use plastic bags instead of large plastic sheets to seal up
the
windows. The problem is he didn't use the plastic bags on the windows.
Instead
the man directed his, also less than bright family, to place the
plastic bags
over their heads. Then in an effort to keep a biohazard out, the
IMBECILE duct
taped the bottom of the bags to their necks.
Paramedics where called to the St. Augustine gated community after
neighbors
reported one of the Whoreys was acting stranger than normal. When
Paramedics
arrived they found Felcher staggering around in the front yard
bouncing off
trees.
Felcher had taken his pet gerbil Larry out for a walk. During the walk
Felcher
become sexually aroused when Larry began rooting for food. His
excitement caused
heavy breathing which lead to the inside of his plastic bag fogging
up, thus
limiting his vision. Felcher who is claustrophobic, then panicked and
began
running into trees, bouncing off them like a pinball.. His pet gerbil
was
squashed in the confusion.
When the rescue team entered the house they found Bituna laying on the
kitchen
floor with her face blue, and not breathing. The Paramedics reluctant
to
perform mouth-to-mouth on her, used an 12 volt portable automotive air
compressor to get her breathing again. They noted in their report that
after
removing the bag and resuscitating her, the blue color in her face
remained,
along with a fishy smell from her breath.
In the back part of the 7 cubical sized bedroom house they located the
IMBECILE
responsible for the mess. He was sitting in a dimly lit room, in front
of a
computer, masturbating. The Paramedics had to remove a plastic bag
filled with
rodent seamen from his head. The man stated he didn't have enough
money to buy
the plastic sheets for windows because he had recently lost a court
case and
owed 5.8 million dollars for selling illegal satellite access card
devices. He
also stated that he had already sold most of his 27 white ladder
racked vehicle
fleet in hopes of paying down his debt.
The daughter, Tunja was found in her room working on a high school
pottery
project. She was wearing a Wow potato chip bag on her head. She was
un-affected
because her boyfriend Mr. Wizzard had stopped by earlier and suggested
she cut
out some slots for her eyes, so she could see her pottery wheel.
No charges were filled against the IMBECILE. One member of the rescue
team
stated the gene pool would have been better off if the neighbors had
not been so
observant..
============================
Bituna & Son Public Bathroom Service

Bituna & Son specialize in the cleaning of public bathrooms. Make your
store,
restaurant or crack house bathroom sparkle. Bituna will give your
urinals a
professional licking, while Felcher will personally felcher clean the
most
stained and dirty toilet bowls. Your restrooms will have the smell of
fresh
bisexual tuna fish. All this while the floors are scrubbed clean by
the patented
"Little Tunja Machine".
Special rates and deals are available for state rest stops. B&S can
also provide
complete service to those out of the way rest areas frequented by
gays, homeless
and perverts looking for sexual gratification. Blow jobs only $5.00.
Complete
anal cleansing by the world famous Felcher only $15.
The B&S Public Bathroom Service company was started by a person that
many refer
to as an IMBECILE. Even though he was a failed businessman, loser of a
5.8
million dollar law suite, as well as a compete and total idiot, the
IMBECILE
knows you be pleased by the personal and professional service that his
staff
will give you. How? Because he trained them himself! The IMBECILE is
dedicated
to providing Exceptional Quality and service. He also assures that all
customer
records are secure and safe in encrypted format on off-shore servers.
You can also get E.Q. service for your litter box, gerbil cage or dog
house.
"We contacted B&S to clean the bathrooms in the monkey house. It was
so bad the
people would hold their nose when they walked in. Bituna and Felcher
came in and
spent about an hour. They brought along the "Little Tunja Machine", I
can't
believe how the place just sparkles now! They even provided "happy
endings" for
all the residents" - Billy Bob Wizzard, Manure Boy - St Augustine
Public Zoo.
If B&S can clean the St Augustine Zoo's monkey restroom and make the
primates
happy, image what they can do for you. Call now, the IMBECILE is
sitting at the
computer now, waiting for you call. He even has a IRC chatroom to
answer all
your questions.
B&S is a wholly owned subsidiary of Rissler Enterprise.
===================================================
Bituna seen sucking animal penis at St. Augustine Zoo.
(and at the end is a reply from EQ himself)

St. Augustine Zoo workers have filed at least 3 complaints against
Bituna the
bi-sexual carp-faced tuna for performing acts of oral sex on male
animals in the
St. Augustine Zoo.
Bituna was seen flopping away from the local zoo covered with 5 or 6
gallons of
whale sperm. Zoo employees were authorized to work overtime to clean
up large
puddles of sperm from the primate, elephant, snake and hippo areas in
the zoo.

Visitors to the zoo complained that the Bituna had also approached
them for what
she referred to as discount blow jobs. Other visitors reported seeing
what
appeared to be a sperm/diarrhea type liquid near the emu cage. Zoo
officials
using video surveillance tapes confirmed Bituna's son Felcher was in
the area
earlier. The tapes showed Felcher with his face pressed against the
butt of a
male emu. Later he was seen eating what people figured was a fudge
pop.

Tunja was also seen wondering around in the hippo pen collecting bags
of
dropping for her school pottery class. Her father the IMBECILE was
made a
complete fool of by some of the younger primates who took his money in
a 3 card
Monty game. The IMBECILE was seen crying as he walked away from the
monkey
house. Most of the primates were pressed against their cages yelling
BAHAHAHAHHAHAHA as they watched the IMBECILE pick his nose and eat the
greenish
boogers from his fat finger tips.
And the Reply:
Nice try son.... My beautiful wife doesn't go near zoos anymore after
the last time we had a family outing at one and she was captured and
forced into the primate cage. Apparently there was a mixup and the
zoo employees thought she was an escaped lowlands gorilla. I kept
trying to explain she was human and not ape but to no avail. Bastard
zoo employee terrorists! Needless to say those zoo employees do not
have internet access anymore.
Have a Happy :^)
EQ
=================================
Bituna plans coming out party for Tanya

Bituna the perverted bi-sexual, carp-faced, stink bottomed, social
decease
carrying, boiled egged eyed, pus filled, icky vagina, toothless, fat
assed
whore is planning a coming out party for her daughter Tanya. Tanya who
has been
practicing to be a fat, sloppy, seamen swallowing, bend over and take
it up the
ass, fuck-me harder, fuck-me faster, little slut like her mother, was
seen
sporting a white lace bra-less outfit with a ladder rack design on the
back,
while straddling a sump pump in her front yard.
Her older brother Anthony who is the founder of a homosexual group of
felching
outdoor type tree huggers known as the Scratchy Bark Rump Rangers,
will provide
entertainment at the party. Anthony (who is known as Fast Felcher by
the 101st
Airborne Division's Screaming Eagles) will attempt to gain entry into
the
Felching Book of World Records, by felching 136 gerbils that have been
fed a
steady diet of Ex-Lax for 5 straight days.
The sexually misguided family of mutant humanoids is led by a fat bald
headed
large nostril IMBECILE that can be found at almost any given moment
sitting in
front of his computer. He spends most of his time picking his nose
with one of
his short stubby 6 fingered hands, while waxing his small rodent like
penis with
the other. The IMBECILE is still trying to figure out how to pay off a
5.8
million dollar plus judgment against him for selling illegal satellite
access
card devices. His current plan is to pay off the debit by giving his
handler
(code named Rissler) Blow-Jobs valued at $2 a piece.
Neighbors, who live in the North East Florida gated community near the
family of
incest practicing retards, have expressed their hopes that the colony
of one
celled creatures would return to their homeland of Iraq within the
next 2 weeks.
============================================

Bituna narrowly escapes shooting at local hatchery

A deranged sociopath went on a shooting spree at a local fish hatchery
today.
Police say a man claimed he was being terrorized by "chicken shit
scambags" on
USENET's ADH newsgroup, and he had to get the voices in his head to
stop.
Bituna the mutant carp-face bisexual land tuna was staying at the
hatchery in an
attempt to reduce her families cost of living, due to a $5.8 million
dollar
debit incurred by her husband, for selling illegal satellite access
card
devices.
Hatchery employees called the police when they noticed the fat, bald,
6
fingered, smelly, nose picking man, cooing to a brown and white gerbil
in his
back pocket. The man then proceeded to shoot at the innocent
byswimmers that
shared a tank with the hideous carp-faced tuna.
Bituna was able to escape by using a small Ronco pocket white ladder
rack she
had in her purse to climb up and flop her way out of the tank. Bituna
apparently
managed to flee the attempted murder without injury. A small human
ball sack
that she had been using as a purse was found at the scene. Police
suspect the
ball sack belonged to her worthless husband who was castrated as a
result of the
lost court case. Bituna kept the sack as a souvenir.
Police released the NE Florida idiot when a man known only as Rissler
showed up
and demanded his release. Police said the man seemed to be on a first
name
basis with the shooter as he referred to him as IMBECILE frequently
during their
time together. Officers also noted that Rissler had to continuously
tell the
IMBECILE to get off his knees and wait until they got home. Tanya and
Felcher
were not seen in the area.

==================================================================
Bituna admitted to local sick tank.

Bituna the famed carp-faced mutant bi-sexual tuna was admitted to a
local fish
hatchery sick tank today. Marine biologists said Bituna was suffering
from an
extreme case of sun burn and dehydration. Apparently Bituna's IMBECILE
husband
left her in a wading pool that resembled a crock pot near an inlet on
a Key West
Beach. The inlet is home to some of the stink bottoms salt water
family. The
mutant carp-fished fish stopped off at the inlet during a vacation to
the string
of small islands.

Locals found Bituna in the wading pool covered with a large clear
plastic lid.
"It looks like the IMBECILE was trying to cook her, using the sun as a
natural
heat source", stated a Fish & Wildlife official. Traces of lemon juice
where
also found in the pool. "It's the worst case of sunburn and animal
neglect I
have ever seen.

Locals found Bituna when trying to determine the source of a foul
smell which
seemed to be coming from the inlet. A white ladder rack was also found
at on the
beach.

Bituna's husband was detained by local police but was released when a
man in a
black trench coat provided sealed documents and a permit for the
carp-faced
fish. The shadowy figure is believed to be a man only known as
Rissler.

This is the second time in less than a week that Rissler has rescued
downed
syndrome rodent from the long arm of the law. Rissler was heard saying
that this
would cost the IMBECILE another 75 hummers.

It is believed that the vacation was a result of a request by Bituna
to get her
husband to spend more time with her. Sources say he spends most of his
time in a
small dark cubicle sized room "master-baiting", playing online Army
computer
games, and trying to get internet accounts canceled. He has not been
successful
at any of the 3 according to sources close to the family.

Bituna is being given a cod liver oil nutrient supplement via a dorsal
fin IV.
She is also being covered with a tar sauce ointment twice a day to
help with the
loss of scales.
Bituna tries out for the Jamaican Bobsled Team
Bituna the pus filled, foul-smelling pigfaced bi-sexual, land tuna,
tried out
for the Jamaican Bobsled team today. Insiders say Bituna met the team
at their
southwestern Wyoming training camp in the town of Evanston.
Bituna tried out not as team member but as the Bobsled itself.
Bituna's
streamline tuna fish shape and her oily skin make her the perfect
choice for use
as a bobsled, claimed team engineer John Yaya. "Bituna's oily pus
won't freeze
or stick to the snow covered course" None of the regular bobsled team
was
willing to take the test ride down training course while riding on the
mutant
boiled-egg eye fish. Not to worry said John Yaya, our standby team of
John
Bigboote, John Smallberries, John Careful Walker and John Fish agreed
to take
the ride. (Editors note: John Fish is of no relation to Bituna).
The 4 Jamaicans boarded the slippery tuna which had been painted
black,green and
yellow with an oil based paint to match the Jamaican country colors.
The
problems began right from the start. It was clear the team was
uncomfortable
sitting on the fish. John Bigboote had trouble getting seated in place
behind
carp-face's gills. The other team members were trying to figure out
how to hold
their noses and hold on to Bituna at the same time.
During the launch, John Careful Walker who is the pusher, slipped and
fell,
ripping off Bituna tail fin in the process. The oily, smelly fish with
the 3
remaining dread-locked Jamaicans went careening down the course
spraying bloody
pus from the gaping wound were her tail used to be. As Bituna rounded
the first
corner the instability from her missing tail cause her dorsal fin to
dig into
the icy track. This left John Smallberries trapped between Bituna's
stinky anal
fin and the outside retaining wall, peeling him off the fast moving
tuna.
John Bigboote sensing that something had gone wrong with the run,
grabbed
Bituna's large suckerfish lips in an attempt to halt the scaled land
missile.
The move was the beginning of the end. Bituna's lips are very pliable
and
slippery. John Bigboote had pulled Bituna's lip much like a jockey
would pull on
reins to stop a crazed horse. Herfrost covered lip slipped from his
hands,
causing Bituna's head to slam down hard against the track. Her open
mouth then
dug into the ice, flipping the slimy creature and the 2 remaining
Jamacians end
over end 29 times down the course.
Spectators say they hadn't seen a crash like that since the down hill
skier flew
off the end of the ramp on ABC's Wide World Sports. One IMBECILE was
seen
laughing at the wreck while holding Rissler's hand.
No information is available at this time on the condition of the 4
Jamaicans.
Bituna was packed in ice and shipped to a local fish market.
=========================================

EEng's Sugar and spice induced nightmare

Ok, some of you are going to get a real charge out of this, some of
you will find ways to twist and pervert what I'm about to tell you
(that's okay, it's already twisted), and some of you will use it to
flame like crazy.......that's fine, I don't really care, I'm just
letting you know I'm aware of how sick, twisted, and weird this
disturbing dream was. Those of you who are self proclaimed dream
analysts are going to have a field day with this one.
Maybe its that I was up until 4am gambling and the super spicy NY
sausages at 3am followed by root beer and cheetos, or maybe it was all
of the above and that my blood sugar was way out of whack (370,
normally 165). Regardless, for what its worth, here's the dream:
I find myself standing on the sidewalk outside a cheap, sleazy,
cockroach infested downtown welfare hotel, the kind that you have to
go up two stories just to get to the lobby...... reminiscent of the
ones I stayed in as a runaway 29yrs ago. There's a KFC on one side of
the hotel, and some type of grand hall on the other. I know it's not
my home, its just where I'm staying temporarily in a strange city (NY
or LA?) while looking for something, but I don't know what. There's a
feeling that I'm supposed to meet someone. I am dressed casual, but
still better than the denizens of the street I'm walking along.
I walk for a few blocks looking for I don't know what, but keeping my
eyes peeled for anything that might be the reason I'm there. Suddenly
I notice one car out of many going by and get a flash of the
driver..... an ugly black woman in a pink feather boa and a wide
brimmed straw hat with garish makeup. I can tell there's someone in
the back seat but can't make out who. The car passes me and comes to
an intersection where it stops. I walk up from behind and as I come
even with the car, notice that the man in the back looks just like EQ.
The window is down, so I say..... "EQ?" The man looks at me quickly
and recognizes me and rolls his eyes in disbelief, slack jawed.
Suddenly I find myself in the car, in the back seat on the right side
and the car is now parked on the side of the street. I look at EQ, he
looks at me, and we both have that sheepish grin that says Holy Shit
what the hell are you doing here? While amiable, there is that
underlying tone of friendly animosity that says this is very weird,
somewhat uncomfortable (for both of us) guarded but at the same time,
glad to see someone we recognize and amazed at the coincidence of two
people from opposite coasts who only know each other from the net,
meeting in a city that is foreign to both of us.
I scan the interior of the car and note evidence that EQ and friend,
have been on a long cross country drive. There's a soiled bag of
oranges on the floor between his feet, a pile of spent clothing, some
kind of electronic device not a notebook computer, but sort of like a
portable DVD player sitting atop the clothing. EQ looks unshaved,
disheveled, certainly worn out from the long drive. At this point,
the driver turns around and I discover that it is not a woman, but a
black man dressed as a woman, in the cheapest most garish outfit....a
really bad job of cross dressing and I'm immediately disgusted, but
this does not become the topic of the dream nor of the scene, but just
a passing observance.
Now we're driving down the road back in the direction of my hotel
because I'm lost and can't find it. After about 3 blocks I spot the
KFC and realize I'm close. I spot the hotel, point to it, and at that
moment, I hear the sound of a gun being cocked, and I wake up, feeling
soiled and embarrassed.
In retrospect, I realize that the gun cocking sound is disjointed from
the rest of the dream. I suspect it was from training in the service
and due to having watched CNN until 6am after getting home. Like I
said, a very strange and disturbing dream.
BTW, I don't feel this is any commentary on EQ or on me or on any one
thing in particular, just the mind trying to make sense of a string of
synaptic firings due to a late night, spicy food, and out of control
blood sugar, but you have to admit, its a dream you wouldn't want to
have twice.

============================================================
Bituna's Island
EQ, Bituna and their mutant kids are playing with on the family's
fleet of pink
and purple PWCs. The jetski's drift off coarse because they are
following the
lead of their IMBECILE and bankrupt father. They end up on a
unchartered island
about 5 miles from St. Augustine. No food, no water, no fresh tampons.

Felcher had used his Rump Ranger training to build a shelter from the
hospital
waste and trash that had washed ashore. That night after a session of
family sex
that included help from some of the smaller rodent type indigenous
animals, the
castaways fell into a deep slumber on the sandy beach.

Under the light of a full moon as the family of marooned imbeciles
slept with
their pants down around their ankles amidst the empty vaseline jars,
they were
attacked and captured by savages.

Bituna tied to a pole by her flippers and tail was carried off by
large well
hung men in grass skirts. She smiled hoping her dreams of wild savage
monkey sex
with real men would finally come true. After all she has spent years
married to
a fat, bald, bankrupt, IMBECILE with a penis that most people would
mistake for
a belly button. Little does she know her fate is to be rotated slowly
over an
open fire.

EQ who is bound, gaged and bent over an old tree trunk with his butt
in the air
is thinking if he only had a keyboard he can make some empty threats
to have
his opponents accounts canceled. This helps keep his mind off the pack
of wild
boars that are taking turns viciously sodomizing him.

All this going on while little Tunja and Felcher watch from inside a
big boiling
pot of seaman. The chief of the tribe smiles as he looks at EQ and
says
"encrypted off-shore customer list huh? You lying POS".
==========================================================
Bovina contracts Mad Cow?

St Augustine health officials are now worried that a mutated strain of
Mad Cow
has surfaced in the area. A bisexual tuna bodied cow with a carpish
face and a
large bovine butt that would make J-Lo jealous has been sighted on the
corners
of St. Augustine's red light district.
Local prostitutes have also complained the "Bovine Swine" has an
unfair
advantage when it comes to servicing the clients. "She lures them in
with those
big blood shot, cow eyes, and then after chewing their cud to
completion, she
offers them a glass of curdled Bivina milk from one of her ugly
utters! How can
we compete with that?" said Ms Wizzard a transsexual and personal
assistant and
general all around ass licker to the failed St. Augustine businessman
known as
the IMBECILE.
Sometimes the dorsal finned walking Gateway box can be seen pleasuring
herself
by rubbing her swollen crab and tuna scale covered utters with one or
more of
her hairy cloven hooves.
The blonde haired, bisexual, bovine, tuna, carpface thing is suspected
of
actually contracting the Mad Cow type virus from a pack of sexually
abused
gerbils that escaped from a 7 cubicle shack that serves as the pool
house in a
gated community deep inside a rent controlled low income neighborhood
of St.
Augustine.
=================================================================
Bizarre in St. Augustine.

A man identified as Michael Whorley appeared in St. Augustine district
court
today to answer to charges of lewid public conduct. The charges were
read
and Whorley was asked to enter his plea. As Whorley's lawyer rose to
enter
plea, Whorley jumped up and yelled at Judge Rawlins, "You are just
another
ADH terrorist. You are EQ obsessed and we all know you are a nym
shifter.
Your real name is North and I have proof. Rawlins is just a sock
puppet.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Admit it, I own you." After several warnings, Judge
Rawlins ordered Whorley restrained and taken to hospital for
psychiatrict
evaluation. As he was dragged kicking and screaming from the courtroom
he
yelled at Rawlins, "You can't killfile me. You are obsessed with EQ.
You
have tried to killfile me before but you can't. Admit it, this court
is all
EQ, all the time."
Whorley had been arrested 3 days earlier in a Wal-Mart parking lot
where the
alleged lewid act took place. Police were called after a crowd
gathered
around a white pickup truck with a ladder rack and the words "All EQ
all the
time" painted on the sides. Apparently Whorley had purchased a Tonka
cement
mixer truck and a can of green Slime from the Wal-Mart toy department.
Slime is a soft, flowing latex compound marketed as a children's toy.
Whorley had poured the Slime into the mixing drum of the Tonka truck
and had
inserted his erect penis into the Slime. Witnesses who were present at
the
scene state that Whorley was sitting in the passenger seat of the
truck,
with the mixing drum containing the Slime over his penis. He was
cranking
the handle that rotates the mixing drum and deriving a macabre sexual
pleasure from the act.
Edna Rimby, a witness at the scene, states, "It was disgusting. He was
cranking the handle that makes the drum spin around and at the same
time he
was sliding his penis in and out of the drum. I know it was Slime in
the
mixer, I saw the container on the floor of the truck. My kids play
with
Slime. He seemed to be enjoying it. Then he started muttering, 'Fuck
you
north, fuck you fat finger, fuck you, all you nym shifting sock
puppets,
fuck you, fuck you, fuck you...' and he just went on and on like that.
He's
crazy. I phoned the police on my cell phone. Then he started bucking
his
hips and the truck was rocking side to side. It became more and more
intense and then finally, well, I guess he had an orgasm. He went all
stiff
and he threw his head back. He stopped cranking the mixer and he
thrust
deep into the mixer and just held it there. He went 'Ahhhhhhh,
Ahhhhhhh,
Ahhhhhhh' several times, like my husband does. Then he rolled over on
the
seat and lit up a cigarette."
Peter Larmer, another witness at the scene states, "It figures. I used
to
live across the street from Whorley. This Tonka truck and Slime thing
is
nothing. One day I went to his house to retrieve an electric drill he
had
borrowed 2 months earlier and never returned. I found him in his
garage
screwing a pygmy goat. There was a midget dressed in black leather.
The
midget had some sort of dildo thing in my drill and the dildo was up
Whorley's ass and the drill was spinning. I was so shocked I couldn't
move. When he saw me, Whorley said, 'Don't worry Pete, I don't do the
ugly
ones.' Whorley is a nut, am imbecile, a total loser."
Judge Rawlins ordered a stay of proceedings pending Whorley's
psychiatric
evaluation.

======================================================================
Whorley (aka EQ) Escapes Custody

Michale Worley, also known as EQ and several other nyms, escaped
custody of
a state mental hospital near St. Augustine and remained at large for
approximately 24 hours. Whorley was apprehended in St. Augustine at an
elementary school. Luckily, no children were hurt. Whorley was
originally
taken into custody and remanded for psychiatric evaluation after a
bizarre
outburst during a trial involving lewid public conduct.
The hospital recently spent $2.3 million to upgrade security so
naturally
Whorley's escape raised eyebrows. The hospital issued the following
statement:
"Whorley's escape was quite unusual and almost certainly could not
have been
prevented. Apparently, Whorley used his uncanny resemblance to a piece
of
shit to his advantage. After a thorough investigation we are certain
that
Whorley hid in a bed pan, just blended in with the other turds in the
bed
pan. Eventually the contents of the bed pan was dumped into the sewage
system. Our sewage is piped to St. Augustine for treatment which
explains
how Whorley managed to make his way back to St. Augustine so quickly
and
during the daylight hours."
When asked how Whorley could have survived lengthy submerssion in raw
sewage, hospital spokesman Dr. Benjamin West explained, "Certainly no
human
could have survived what Whorley survived but we are certain that
Whorley is
not human. Yesterday we discovered a huge pile of skin under Whorley's
bed.
DNA tests proves it was once Whorley's skin. The only explanation for
that
much skin is that while in our custody Whorley shed his skin the way
snakes
and some other reptiles are known to shed their skin. Reptiles are
quite
capable of surviving in raw sewage for extended periods of time.
Although
Whorley is back in our custody for now it seems obvious that he should
be
transferred to a zoo."
Whorley was re-apprehended at Lincoln Elementary School after Ms.
Wilson, a
teacher at the school, noticed Whorley sniffing the childrens' bicycle
seats. Wilson said that Whorley sniffed each bicycle seat individually
and
then tied either a blue ribbon or a pink ribbon on the handlebar of
the
bike. After sniffing all the seats and tieing a ribbon to each bicycle
in
the row, he went back to the beginning of the row. If the bike had
received
a blue ribbon Whorley rubbed his crotch violently on the seat of the
bicycle. If the bike had received a pink ribbon he licked the seat
vigorously.
Sheriff John Appleton described Whorley's apprehension in the
schoolyard. "
I was the one who arrested Whorley for having sex with that Tonka
cement
mixer truck in the parking lot over at the shopping mall. From the
investigation that followed I learned that Whorley likes pygmy goats,
likes
'em a lot you could say. So I drove over to Ed Haskell's farm because
I
know he raises pygmy goats. I explained the situation to Ed and he
told me
that Whorley had been to his farm several times and had expressed a
fair
liking for an ewe called Lisa. I coaxed lisa into my cruiser and drove
to
Lincoln Elementary. I tied Lisa to the fence around the corner where
Whorley couldn't see me. Then I hid in the shrubs near Lisa and
bleated
like a goat a few times to get Whorley's attention. When he saw Lisa
he was
on her like stink on a monkey. After he dropped his pants down around
his
ankles the rest was easy."

***************************************************
EQ Sells own organs

Lawyers representing Texas oil millionaire Orly Jansen and Michale
Whorley
have announced a tentative deal for the purchase of Whorley's brain.
Whorley is better known as EQ or the IMBECILE. When asked for his
reasons
for purchasing a brain Jansen said, " I am planning for the future. If
something should happen to my brain, eg. stroke or Alzheimer's, I
would like
to have a backup, a replacement brain ready to transplant into my
skull.
After lurking alt.dss.hack for a while it is obvious to me that EQ has
never
used his brain. His would be the perfect used brain to have as a
standby
unit. EQ is 30 years older than me and will surely die before me. Our
contract will stipulate that upon his death my team of surgeons will
be
given access to the corpse for the purpose of removing the brain. It
will
be frozen until such time as I need it."
BiTuna, the carp faced creature EQ claims is his wife, was
indifferent. "
We really need the money from the brain deal for things the children
need...
milk, shoes and school supplies, but he'll just blow it on crack and
trips
to pygmy goat farms. He's a useless bum and he'll never change. And I
just don't believe the deal will actually go through anyway. So far
it's
only an agreement in principle. Before Orly Jansen signs the contract
he
will discover that EQ acts acts a stupid as he does because he has
only 1
brain cell. "
Doctors at the state mental hospital where EQ is now being held after
a
bizarre outburst during a recent trial claim the transplant would
never
work. " We have irrefutable evidence that EQ is more reptile than
human ",
states hospital spokesperson Roger Duncan. " There would be
insurmountable
tissue compatibility issues. Although we agree with Jansen that EQ has
never used his brain, we see no hope that the transplant would be
successful. "
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
EQ Brain Deal Dead

Emma O'Flaherty, press secretary for Texas oil millionaire Orly
Janzen,
announced today that the tentative agreement between Janzen and
Michale
Whorley, aka EQ, has been cancelled by Janzen. The deal would have
given
Janzen EQ's rarely used brain after EQ's death.
According to O'Flaherty, Janzen hired investigators after Bituna let
it be
known that EQ is the IMBECILE because he has only one brain cell, not
because he doesn't use his brain. Janzen's investigators learned that
EQ
was about to leave for his annual vacation to a local pygmy goat ranch
to
satisfy his lust for pygmy goats of either sex. They followed EQ to
the
ranch and administered "the flashlight test" said O'Flaherty. While EQ
was
totally engrossed in an unnatural act with one of the pygmy goats, one
investigator snuck up behind EQ and shone a flashlight into EQ's right
ear
while holding his left hand beside the left ear. In his report the
investigator states, "The beam of light passed from right ear to left
ear
unobstructed. Obviously EQ's skull is empty and serves no purpose
other
than to hold up his ears."
==================================

I would like to thank everyone for taking the time to read about my
lovely wife the BiTuna and myself, EQ... we are happy to bring
enjoyment and humor to you and wish you all the best in the upcoming
CHRISTmas season!

and don't forget...

you can reach me at michale...@gmail.com

the REAL EQ!!!

The_EQ

[~NortH~]

BBBWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

this is fricking priceless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks to the poster for bringing us ALL a good laugh!!!!!!!!!!

~NortH~

"Michale Worley" <michale...@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:9a85500c.04111...@posting.google.com...

[Phat Finger]

Yes, a total hoot.... Now the pressing question....

Who is the author of the BiTuna series. He is an excellent writer, speller,
and has quite a creative mind....

My personal hunch is that great tribute goes to Marcus...

Anyone else?

The work is timeless, and Worley leaves quite a legacy here.

"~NortH~" <no...@south.east.west> wrote:

--
Phat