The TARDIS Door Control
Marquee
really. It is intended as a satire of both Doctor Who and pornography, for no
real reason that I can think of, and also clears up a few of the mysteries of
the programme. I am still intending to write a continuation sometime, and have
some equally surreal and outrageous ideas for that, but unfortunately writing
my PhD thesis comes first!
You may copy and distribute this text freely as long as the entire text,
including copyright and author, remain intact.
Enjoy!
Mark Kelly (bmb...@biovax.leeds.ac.uk)
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THE TARDIS DOOR CONTROL
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(c) Mark Kelly, 13.1.93
It was late. The Doctor had long since retired to his study to fill in
application forms for general practices in various parts of England. The
veterinary practice he was after in a small village in the Yorkshire Dales
seemed to have fallen through, so it looked like he would have to accept the
post at the Student Health Centre at Lowlands University, which he wasn't
exactly looking forward to. Still, what could he do with a BSc in being
annoyingly smug about complicated-looking bits of technology, and a PhD in
running down corridors. And since he was continually rejected by the
England Cricket Team Test Selection Committee on the grounds that he was
crap, it seemed to be the only choice.
Nyssa couldn't sleep, so she wandered clad only in her white silk nightie to
get something from the food machine and have a midnight pig-out. Tegan had
told her about these wonderful things called fridges which they had on
Earth, where you could get all sorts of chocolatey things to stuff your
face with and feel very guilty about, and cans of lager and other
intoxicating beverages. Food machines weren't nearly so much fun, as there
was an inexhaustible supply of food, which meant that you couldn't nick
anyone else's nosh.
The Doctor didn't allow alcoholic drinks on board the TARDIS, as he strongly
disapproved of mind-altering drugs, and also he hated cleaning up if anyone
was sick. He had once found Nyssa and Adric, blind drunk, snogging each
other like neither of them had eaten for several weeks. The Doctor had
thrown a fit and shouted at them, jettisoning the offending bottles of
Diamond White which had caused this unholy union. He had taunted Nyssa for
weeks about getting off with such a repulsive nerd, and she had been so
embarrassed she'd had to take several episodes off until everyone forgot
about it.
The most annoying thing about the TARDIS, however, was the complete lack
of any toilets whatsoever. They had to use chamber pots and then eject the
waste into the space-time continuum, no doubt causing dangerous hazards
for other time-travellers. The Doctor had recurring nightmares about the
TARDIS getting stuck in a huge quagmire of his own accumulated excrement,
or being hauled up by the Time Lords if they ever found out that he had
been effectively pissing out the window of the TARDIS for the past thirty
years. It was a serious design flaw which is why the Type 40s never became
very popular, and nothing to do with the Doctor even if he had once claimed
to have invented it. He'd been lying, of course, just to impress one of his
assistants.
Nyssa opened the door to the console room. She was amazed at w
hat she saw.
"Tegan, what on EARTH are you doing??" she exclaimed in surprise and shock.
Tegan was squatting on the sloping surface of the TARDIS console, wearing
a bright red basque, stockings and suspenders. She was trying to position
the door control, a large bright red ball on the end of a short metal rod,
between her legs. It was all too obvious what she planned to do when she
got it there, as there was a holographic video camera set up on a tripod,
pointing straight at her.
"Oh, Nyssa, you gave me a fright!" Tegan jumped, guiltily. "Ermm... I was doing
some yoga," she said unconvincingly.
"What's yoga?" asked Nyssa naively, for she knew nothing about health and
fitness videos. "You're having a wank, aren't you?" she added more
perceptively. "And you're going to video it!"
"Well... yes," confessed Tegan. "I can't get no satisfaction any more."
"Yes, I know what you mean, now Adric's gone."
"I don't know why you miss Adric so much Nyssa, he had such a small willy,"
said Tegan. "and he could never get it up."
"I think he was just intimidated by you, Tegan."
"And since the sonic screwdriver was destroyed, I've had to use a bit more
imagination."
"Yes, that bastard Tereleptil has a lot to answer for!"
TARDIS legends (many of them graffiti on the wall of the assistant's
bedrooms) told of what long-departed assistants, nearly all of them female,
had done for sexual relief. Romana had frequently pleasured herself with
the Tracer, which is why it took so long for them to find the six segments of
the Key to Time, as its circuits had become corroded, they had had to keep
replacing the batteries, and it had actually bent at one point. Sarah-Jane
had bonked Harry whenever she could, and of course Jo had been sleeping
with half of UNIT although she always said that Sergeant Benton was the
best lay. Leela had just shagged anything with a dick whenever she was
off-camera, which is why she always wore so little clothing, to enable her
to get it on and off quickly.
The only companion that the Doctor had actually had sex with was the
second regeneration of Romana. No-one knew why her in particular, but
rumour had it that they used to form threesomes with K9, the ultimate sex
toy. That was why he'd been so pissed off before he regenerated last, as
Romana had gone off with a hairy Tharil, AND she'd taken K9 with her as well!
The Doctor often made scathing remarks about her being into bestiality.
Tegan said, "I've found something as well, a dirty video! That's what gave me
the idea to do this. Press that button down there and put it on the main
screen."
Nyssa did as she was told and the screen brightened to show the Doctor, in
his last regeneration (the one with the teeth and curls), stark naked, tied
to a bed with his long multi-coloured scarf. Romana, half-undressed in a
schoolgirl's outfit with white stockings and suspenders, was sitting
astride him, eating jelly babies provocatively. The Doctor's floppy
wide-brimmed hat covered his genitals. They were either in foreplay or
having the equivalent of an post-coital cigarette, it was hard to tell
which.
Nyssa's eye widened. "Wow! What a perv!"
"You should see it when it gets going," replied Tegan.
They watched as Romana and the Doctor proceeded to do quite the most
mind-bogglingly indescribable things to each other, that they were, in fact,
indescribable. Several of them did not even seem to be possible in normal
3-dimensional space, and they had needed to get a few extra dimensions in
to be able to do them. The purpose of some of the positions, especially the
ones involving the yo-yo, were completely beyond Nyssa and Tegan, and they
had to conclude that Time Lords must have especially bizarrely located
erogenous zones.
Nyssa said, "You know, watching this is really turning me on..." She turned to
look at Tegan who was rubbing her crotch up against the door control. Tegan
grabbed Nyssa and kissed her hungrily, rubbing her erect nipples through
the thin fabric of her nightie, etc. etc.
Suddenly the door opened and in walked the Doctor, licking stamps to send
off his job application forms. He was so absorbed in this activity that he'd
walked half-way across the room before he noticed anything unusual was
happening. He stopped and raised his eyes... at the sight of his two female
assistants writhing and groaning on the console, his eyes widened and he
muttered "Oh my giddy aunt..." and slumped, apparently unconscious, to the
floor. Nyssa and Tegan were so absorbed in each other that they didn't even
notice this brief intrusion.
Tegan was bumping herself up and down on the door control, getting faster
and faster. Her juices flowed down her thighs and onto the controls, which
began to spark and short-circuit spasmodically. The central column rose
and fell more and more rapidly, glowing brightly. Her buttocks thumped onto
all the little switched and buttons. Luckily most of them didn't actually do
anything and were just there for show, but when Nyssa got particularly
passionate Tegan's bum knocked a switch and suddenly the TARDIS lurched to
one side, or at least the cameras did.
By now Tegan was having an orgasm, so she didn't notice this, thinking it was
happening inside her head. The Doctor, however, had no such illusions and
sat up, banging his head on the underneath of the console and exclaiming
"Buggery!" By the time he'd realized what was happening and scrambled to his
feet again, Nyssa was now sitting on the edge of the console with her
nightie rucked up around her waist, while Tegan who was kneeling in front of
her licked her out.
"No, no, stop!" shouted the Doctor. Nyssa gasped in between her groans of
pleasure, "Why?" The Doctor clutched his chest, he seemed to be in
excruciating pain, but as his companions had seen him do this many times
before to let nasty aliens think they were winning, they weren't impressed.
"Because if you don't... I'll die!" he gasped (a different sort of gasp to the
girls', this was one of agony). "Sexual stimulation... lethal to me... nerve
poison implant in my testicles... loss of sentence structure..." as the
Doctor collapsed again, doing his "regeneration going wrong" impression
which never failed to go down well at parties.
Tegan raised her wet face from between Nyssa's thighs and said, "What the
FUCK are you talking about, Doc?" Nyssa wailed, "Don't stop, Tegan!"
However the moment was gone, and Tegan slithered over to the
semi-delirious Doctor.
"What's happening to you, Doc? What's wrong?" she asked.
Haltingly, the Doctor explained possibly his greatest enigma. Nyssa came
over to listen as well, for she had often wondered why the Doctor had never
made a pass at her, even when he'd accidentally met her in the showers.
"When I left Gallifrey, all those years ago, the Time Lords played a really
nasty trick on me. They wanted revenge, and weren't satisfied with letting
me steal a TARDIS with no toilets on it, so they implanted little devices in
my testicles that would release a lethal nerve poison if I became sexually
aroused. They didn't want me breeding, you see, as they would lose their
monopoly on regenerating and all that. So I had to develop iron self-control
so that I never got a stiffy. Being a crotchety old man at the time helped,
and my first companions being Ian and Barbara, well no-one could fancy HER
so I was alright. My companions got gradually more attractive, and I got
gradually younger, but I had myself under such good control by then that I
welcomed each sexy young strumpet as a challenge to my will. I would have
made such a good monk," he trailed off wistfully.
Nyssa broke in, "Then how could you shag Romana? And what was all that
stuff with yo-yos and jelly babies?"
The Doctor went beetroot-coloured and stuttered, "How... how did you know
about that? Oh no, you've found the video haven't you? I TOLD Romana that
was a bad idea!"
"But why didn't you die?"
"Ah, well, her being a Time Lady, she'd actually done some work on nerve
poisons on Gallifrey and was able to synthesize an antidote, which had to
be injected before we had rumpy-pumpy. It was wonderful! the first time I'd
done it for hundreds of years, AND I got to be injected as well!"
Nyssa and Tegan looked at each other suspiciously.
Tegan said, "So when you came in here tonight and saw me humping the door
control knob, it turned you on so much you got an instant hard-on. So does
that mean you're going to die?" she asked worriedly.
TO BE CONTINUED?
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Mark Kelly __ "A key which has lost its lock"
Ontological joyrider / \ -Jorge Luis Borges
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bmb...@uk.ac.leeds.biovax \~)(~/ I I I
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"Reality is for people who can't handle postmodernism"