Hope this helps,
Disneyland Inside & Out
Maynard Home Page
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Remove "s" on "nets" to send me e-mail
MovieKid <movi...@aol.com> wrote in article
> Can anyone help me out and give me (to the best of their knowledge)
> a rough transcript of the "monologue" or shpiel of a Jungle Cruise tour
> quide? You know, what thwe tour guide says as the Jungle Cruise is
> going? I'd greatly appreciate it.
Some Favorite Jungle Cruise Jokes
Boarding and boarding area:
• If you are not from the Jungle Cruise please do not take any pictures, they are nailed to the wall for a reason
• Ladies and gentlemen. May I have your attention please? Due to circumstances beyond our control ... the Jungle Cruise WILL be operating for the rest of the evening. ... Thank you.
• May I have your attention please. Will the person that lost the 100 dollar bills wrapped with a red rubber band please step forward. We've found your rubber band.
• (boarding) Come on in, folks... Slide on down! That's right slide on down, because the more you slide now, the less I have to clean later.
• In Walt Disney World near the departure area of the boats, and the driver of the boat said, "Wave to the waiters. Wait they look too happy, they must not have been upstairs yet! [at this point there are some major groans from the people in the queue] (there is no UPSTAIRS at WDW, only Disneyland)
• Everybody turn around and wave at the people on line... wave at them... because you're never going to see them again.
Beginning of ride:
• Over on the right you can see a branch with three toucans. And, of course, three toucans make a six-pack.
As you pass through the misters of the rain forest:
• Do feel that wetness in the air around here? Well that's the only evidence we have that are still some monkeys in the trees of the Jungle Cruise.
• Here in the rain forest it sometimes rains 365 days per year... some years it even rains every day.
At the tiger:
• A Bengal Tiger can leap twenty feet! Tiger can jump over ten thousand feet... once.
• Look at that! It's a large Bengal Tiger. Now, Bengal Tigers are known to leap over FIVE THOUSAND feet in order to catch their prey. That is ... when you throw them out of an airplane.
• Approaching the tiger the skipper says: Has anyone seen my kitty cat? Here kitty, kitty...oh! There he is!
At the lion's den:
• Oh, that is so sweet. Look at those lions protecting that sleeping zebra. He looks *dead* tired to me.
At the hippo pool:
• Look! Rare, beautiful, majestic hippos! Endangered species, less than 300 left in the wild. I think I'll shoot me a couple. (bang, bang)
• You know these hippos sank six boats just like this one, but don't worry, only five of them were mine.
• We just took our hippos to see Dumbo, and if they weren't chained to the bottom of the river they'd all fly away. (think about the wiggling ears on the hippos)
• You've all probably heard that the hippos are only dangerous when wiggling their ears and blowing bubbles... but that's not what really makes them dangerous. See it's actually the ritual they have a habit of placing their young in the trees to forge on leaves until the grow to 6,000 pounds, then they cannon ball toward the boats, sinking them all 2 and 1/2 feet down to the bottom of the jungle floor. Oh look there's one now (skipper shoots toward he trees)
At Schweitzer Falls:
• Over there is Schweitzer Falls, named after the famous explorer, Dr. Falls.
• Lean in the middle, lean in the middle, if you lean in the middle, we'll all sink evenly!
Going behind the falls:
• Look! The backside of water!
At night going behind the falls:
• Ladies and gentlemen, Walt Disney proudly presents, Fantasmic! (The guide sings part of the song while shining his flashlight on the back of the water and at the ends says in a squeaky voice:) Some imagination, huh? hehee!
At the native village:
• As you pass the village where the villagers are singing and dancing the guide says. Here, I know this language, let me translate. I'm a little... teapot... short and... stout... here is... my handle...here is... my spout.
At the native attack:
• (after the natives stand up to attack the boat) I told you to jump out on the RIGHT side of the boat, not the LEFT side. Just hunch back down, and we'll try it again with the next boat. Of course, as he says to hunch back down. The natives are going into reset, and hunch back down.
• Oh no! The natives are throwing spears! Women and children, stand up! Men, get on the bottom of the boat! Get down in the boat, get down in the boat, come on you're making me look stupid up here!
At the snake:
• Look at that. That snake must be a vegetarian. There are four perfectly good water buffalo there for him to eat and he's attacking that branch.
At the headhunter:
• Uh oh, we're now entering into headhunter territory. Not a good place to be headed.
End of the ride:
• Well, it's the end of the ride and now we return you to this magical, mystical place I like to call...in sick as much as possible.
• There are two docks at the end of the ride. Don't get confused. It is a paradox. (pair of docks) And those two guys are a pair of dorks.
• Ladies and gentleman, you were outstanding on the boat today, but now I need you out standing on the dock now.
• As you leave the boat, ladies and gentlemen, keep in mind that if your shoes fill with water, you got out on the wrong side...
• As you exit the boat, please watch your step and mind your head. If you miss your step and hit your head, watch your language, Disneyland is a family place.
• Please make sure you have all your children with you. We take children left behind over to It's a Small World, nail their feet to the floor and force them to sing that song over and over and over and...
• Folks, as we near the dock, all the people waiting to help you out give you an idea of how many people actually work at Disneyland....about one out of three.
• When the fireworks were about to start the skipper said: Be sure to watch two big burly guys throw Tinkerbell from the top of the Matterhorn
• I used to work in an orange juice factory, but, I got canned. I just couldn't concentrate. They really put the squeeze to me, too.
• I used to work in a watch factory. I sat around making faces all day.
• Now comes the most perilous part of the trip, our return to civilization and my attempt to ram the dock.
• Its very important that you wait to get off the boat until one of our dock crew is there to assist you. Just yesterday we had a lady fall in and none of them were around to laugh at her.
• Please leave the boat as you entered it... shoving and pushing.
• I certainly enjoyed having you aboard the Jungle Cruise today, and I hope you all enjoyed being had.
• I certainly enjoyed taking you aboard the Jungle Cruise today, and I hope you all enjoyed being taken.
• If you had a good time on this ride, my name is Mike and this is the Jungle Cruise. If you didn't have a good time, my name is John and this is the Submarine Voyage.
• If you had a good time on the Jungle Cruise, well then my name is Mike, If you didn't, then my name is John. (cast member, John appears on the unload dock)...Oh hi John. How's it going?
• (at the tiger) You know, a tiger can weigh over 500 pounds and leap up to 20 feet! Isn't that amazing!
• (at the water buffalo) And you know, a water buffalo can weigh over 500 pounds and leap up to 20 feet! Isn't that amazing!
• (at the zebras) Hey, guess what, did you know that a zebra can weigh over 500 pounds and leap up to 20 feet? Isn't that amazing!!
• (at the snake) And by the way, a snake can weigh up to 500 pounds and leap up to 20 feet! Isn't that AMAZING!!
• (boat pulls up to the dock) Leonard's going to help you folks out of the boat, now. By the way, Leonard, I hear you have a new girlfriend, and she weighs over 500 pounds and can leap up to 20 feet! ISN'T THAT AMAZING!!! Leonard: "Yeah. So?"
> I actually got this list off of the WWW, but I don't know where so I can't
> give the right person credit, but here they are.
...snip the JC jokes, see them in the previous post.
I recognize this particular list, in this particular order. It is from
my Jungle Cruise Jokes page. The list was a compilation of many
favorite Jungle Cruise jokes published here on alt.disney.disneyland
between November 2 and November 15, 1966.
My contribution was to add some of my favorite jokes and then compile
the jokes and put them in this order.
Thanks for noticing.
See my Disneyland and WDW photos at <http://www.primenet.com/~dannell>