zEN kOANS [1/2 - 19k]
Lawrence Garfield
C R A S H I N G T H E G A T E
0 R E Z I A N K O A N - S - P I R A C Y
By Letis Donne, PXD
PREFACE
This collection of koanundrums spewed forth from the Noise of the Restless
Calm. It is rumored that they were scribbled down with nary a thought about
what would develop. How else would such names as "Bad Show" and such titles
as "Get 0nions" come into print?!
This work (play?) was based on the Zen classic, _Mumonkan_, particularly
its translation by R.H. Blyth (Blessed be the Buddha!). Letis may be accused
of plagiarism (from French, plage=beach, thus, "beachcombing"), but an open
consideration of the Joe Byden Experience as related in koanundrum #39 might
cure the novice of his/her naive belief in ego authorship. A thought upon #7
might further illuminate the point. So give the poor guy a break (you pick
the limb!).
One final note: The BristerSotherhood of 0REZ, Trigrammarian has not given
endorsement of this production. This is not because THEY (WE) disapprove,
rather, it is just that history has yet to uncover an endorsement of anything
in the verbiage of the BristerSotherhood.
So, as Letis says: "Have a grandie!"
INVOCATIONS
To Bud Stack, who first used the word "0REZ".
To R.H. Blyth, A.J. Bahm, The Dr., RAW, ..., for Magic Notions.
To Byanu, for ever.
T H E K O A N U N D R U M S
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I Questioner's Buddhahood
A monkey (1) asked Joe Shoe, "Does a questioner (2) have the Buddha Nature
(3)?" Joe Shoe said, "Um... (4)."
NOTES: 1. Monkey: Anyone who puts oneself into a monkish social order must be
less than human, or at least feel as such.
2. Questioner: a) Gatekeeper in the 0REZIAN sense, i.e., one who wields
the Psyckle of Doubtful Faith; b) The particular monkey in this
koanundrum - the question is not a petty philosophical issue; it
cuts right to the core of the monkey's heart and soul.
3. Buddha(~hood/ Nature): The Absolute Being, The Consciousness of the
Absolute Being, One who realizes the Consciousness of the Absolute
Being: may be interpreted in all these senses, but it amounts to
nothing more than mere labels on mere bottles containing mere fluids.
4. Um...: The 0REZIAN Mu in extremis; "No, not no, both no and not no,
neither no nor not no,...; or is it just the "um..." of hesitation?
II The DiamondBack
Whenever Hockey Joe spouted his Zen (1) before the monkeys, some guy (2) was
also there listening. Once, this guy stayed after the lecture and Hockey Joe
asked who he was. "I'm not a human being (3)," replied the guy. "Way back I
used to be the main monkey here. Once, another monkey asked me if an Illumi-
nated 0ne could fall back into the Abyss of the DiamondBack (4) and I said
'No'. For this, I was forced to spend aeons in the form of a snake. Now I
beg you to restore me with a Banishing Ritual (5)." Then he asked Hockey Joe,
"Can an Illuminated 0ne fall back into the Abyss of the DiamondBack?" Hockey
Joe answered, "Not even the Extra0rdinary 0ne (6) can escape the coils of the
DiamondBack." The guy at once achieved Illumination. "I'm free at last;
blessed be the Buddha! Now I have just one more request: please give my snake
body (7) a monkey's funeral (8)." Hockey Joe then called the other monkeys
and told them to cremate the snake carcass. That evening, Hockey Joe mounted
the lectern and told the monkeys the story behind the snake funeral. A.
Bucket (9) then got up and asked, "This guy's answer was wrrr (10), and he was
turned into a snake for a very long time. But what would have happened if he
wasn't wrrr?" Hockey Joe said, "Come here, and I'll show you." A. Bucket
then approached Hockey Joe and spilled on him (11). Hockey Joe, laughing and
dripping, cheered, "I thought the bark had a bite (12), but this really bites!"
NOTES: 1. Spouted Zen: a) High output mode of the dharma/dogma subsystem; b)
Urination, unlike which (a) is not.
2. Some guy: Not a monkey, nor a Master; a stranger who may be a seeker,
a spy, or a Master in disguise.
3. Not human: Feels like a monkey, or as in this case, like a snake.
4. DiamondBack: The latticework of karma, or checkered moral fiber which
spreads like mycelia through all Sentient Beings; The Abyss thereof
is also known in various circles as the "Dark Night of the Soul",
"Chapel Perilous", a "Bad Trip", etc.
5. Banishing Ritual: Words and/or gestures to banish foul spirits, or
ease the soul.
6. Extra0rdinary 0ne: a) Fourth Grade of the BristerSotherhood; b)
Outstanding person; c) Outsider.
7. Snake body: Personification of the DiamondBack.
8. Monkey's funeral: Alchemical metamorphosis of the sinner/karma-bound
into a divine or spiritual being; resurrection (al-qiyamat); "build
a pagoda on the empty ground" (Shonan Kattoroku, roughly).
9. A. Bucket: This chap was known also as "A. Bottomless Bucket".
10. Wrrr: a) Wrong; b) Not exactly wrong; c) Opposite of "Um...".
11. Spilled: made zen, urinated on poor Hockey Joe.
12. Bark/Bite: See Koanundrum #4.
III Goody's Trigram
Every time Goody was asked about Zen, he always made a Manual Trigram (1).
Once, one of his monkeys was asked what his Master's teaching was, and he made
a Manual Trigram. When Goody heard about this, he went and cuffed the monkey's
hands. As the monkey struggled and whined, Goody called to him and made a
Manual Trigram. Seeing this, the monkey was Illuminated. When Goody was on
his death bed, he told the monkeys, "I learned this Manual Trigram from Ten
Wrrr. I used it all my life and it was always full of juice (2)." So saying,
he returned to Oblivion.
NOTES: 1. Manual Trigram: "Secret" gesture of the BristerSotherhood of 0REZ,
Trigrammarian, being one of the Forms of the Trigram, Psi-Chi-Delta;
also serves as an object of meditation.
2. Juice: Essence of Zen, or Living Zen, without which the gesture is
a mere neuromuscular event, as in the case of the monkey.
IV Biting Bark
Worky 0ne asked, "Why has the bark no bite (1)?"
NOTES: 1. Bark/Bite: a) Any teeth on that dog, or is it an empty threat?
b) Any alkaloids in that bark that can be put to alchemical use?
c) Any juice of Zen under that rind of dharma?
V Little Smoke
Key Gong said, "It's like (1) just having filled up on a long draft of the
little smoke (2) when another fellow comes along and asks, 'What is the
meaning of this dharma (3)?' If you open your mouth, you lose the meaning
(4); if you say nothing, you fail to turn on a friend (5)."
NOTES: 1. It's like: I didn't say "It is" (!)
2. Little Smoke: A lovely little smoke (you be the judge).
3. Meaning of dharma: Essence of Zen.
4. Lose the meaning: Disconnect from direct appreciation of Illumina-
tion due to distraction by questioner and answerer.
5. Turn on a friend: Satisfy a thirsty guest; if the questioner is not
a Gatekeeper, you pass a blessing thereto; if the questioner is a
Gatekeeper, you share a little joke.
VI Unformulated Dharma
Once, the Extra0rdinary 0ne (1) sat on his Haystack (2) and drew a Vegetable
Trigram (3) for his audience. None of the monkeys reacted but for the glazed
eyes of 'Cause-of-a. The Extra0rdinary 0ne said, "I have the Psych-eyed Delta,
(4), the Pyx of Immortality (5) , the Unformulated Dharma (6), the
Mysterious Presence (7). Without hesitation, and in advance (8) of this
pronouncement, I pass it to Great 'Cause-of-a."
NOTES: 1. Extra0rdinary 0ne (E.`.0.`.): a) One who realizes the Supreme Illumi-
nation, i.e., a Buddha; b) The E.`.0.`. Grade of the BristerSother-
hood, which does not make noise.
2. Haystack: Mountain of dharma in which is hidden somewhere the needle
of Zen.
3. Vegetable Trigram: Another Form of the Trigram, being a glorification
or alchemical resurrection of the vegetable kingdom.
4. Psych-Eyed Delta: Another Form of the Trigram, and sign of the Mage
Grade of the BristerSotherhood, being a Trigonon Prophetikon repre-
senting the integration of past, present, and future, circumscribed
by the Eye of Atman.
5. Pyx of Immortality: Yet another Form of the Trigram, being a Grail
containing the Elixer of Immortality, or simply another juice-bearing
dharma device.
6. Unformulated Dharma: The information behind the dharma; essence.
7. Mysterious Presence: Another name of 0REZ, the Absolute Being.
8. In advance: All beings are primarily Buddha; this is not granted by
ceremonies and pronouncements.
VII Bowel Movement
A monkey said to Joe Shoe, "I've just arrived here and I pray for a teaching."
Joe Shoe asked, "Have you eaten yet?" "Yes, I have", replied the monkey.
"Then move what bowel wilt (1)." The monkey achieved Illumination.
NOTES: 1. Move what bowel wilt: (Worded in honor of Exlaxter Crowley); "Step
aside, small fried eggo, the train of karma is coming through"; after
all, the self is but a nervous knot which enjoys no mastery over the
material realm, external or internal.
VIII Get 0nions
Get 0n said to a monkey, "Catch You used to sell onions (1). If we removed
the skins, layers, and cores (2), what would be obvious?"
NOTES: 1. Onions: Layers and layers of dharma, and yet you just can't seem to
get down to the essence.
2. Cores: "The cores are always with us," Letis said.
IX Stone Buddha
A monkey asked Joker You, "Dead Stone Buddha (1) sat in meditation for ten
aeons and came to nothing, nor did he achieve Buddhahood. Why not?" Joker
said, "Da geht es eine interessante donkey (2)." Unsatisfied, the monkey
persisted, "Why did he not achieve Buddhahood after sitting so long?" Joker
replied, "Because he just sat there (3)."
NOTES: 1. Stone Buddha: Various meditative routines, including but not limited
to: zazen, TM, visual pond (open-eyed space), audio-horizon extension
(open-eared space), blind crawl/walk/run (open-body space), violet
run (inner vision); These may or may not be assisted by alchemical
supplements.
2. Da geht...donkey: "There goes it an interesting thingy": a) your
question is interesting; b) that you ask is interesting; c) some-
thing totally unrelated is interesting.
3. Just sat there: a) wasn't meditating; b) was meditating, but no one
achieves Buddhahood by sitting.
X Mother Lode
A monkey named Say There came to Master So Then and said, "I'm a poor
starving monkey. I beg you, please give me the Balms of Salivation (1)."
So Then called out to no one in particular, "Y'huwwa (2), the guy's sitting
on the Mother Lode (3) and he says he's poor!"
NOTES: 1. Balms of Salivation: Juice put out by a group of satorial (Latin:
sator=savior? or Japanese: satori=enlightenment?) philanthropists.
2. Y'huwwa: Ya (Russian: I) and huwwa (Arabic: he/it): thus, "IHVH (I
am that I am)", "Tat tvam asi (That thou art)", "Ana'l-haqq (I am
the real)"; here, it is used as an interjection as some use the word
"God!".
3. Mother Lode: The inexhaustible source of juice, which all may enjoy
on account of their essential Buddhahood.
XI Baggies
Joe Shoe visited a dealer (1) and asked, "Whatcha got?" The dealer raised a
baggie (2). Joe Shoe said, "Your bag ain't where it's at (3)," and bolted.
Then he stopped by another dealer's and asked, "Whatcha got?" The dealer
also raised his baggie. Joe Shoe said, "You may freely give and freely take
(4)," and drew a profound bowlfull (5).
NOTES: 1. Dealer: a) drug dealer; b) dogma peddler; in fact, (a) and (b) are
kinful co-kinners.
2. Baggie: a) package for drugs; b) formulated dharma.
3. Ain't where it's at: a) drugs are for losers; b) what kinda shit is
that?!; c) dry as a mummy's palate (no juice here).
4. Freely give/take: a) free drugs!; b) good shit!; c) juice under the
the rind.
5. Drew a bowlfull: a) smoked some drugs; b) grokked the juice.
XII Wake Up!
Every day Zoo Again would say to himself (1), "Hey you?" and would answer,
"What?" "Wake up! (2)" "OK" "You ain't gonna do that again (3)." "Nope."
NOTES: 1. Talks to himself,
And hears voices;
Must be off the shelf,
With James Joyce, etc.
2. Wake up!: Always drifting off - the head is always lifting off.
3. Not again: Shyaw! Right!
XIII Munchies
Once Toke Some got munchies (1) after a Stone Buddha session and Suppose came
up to him and said, "Whe're you going? It's not time to eat (2)." Toke Some
went back to his cubicle (3). Suppose told Can Too about this. Can Too said,
"Toke Some hasn't figured it out yet (4)." Toke Some heard about this and had
Can Too stop by. "You have a problem (5) with me?", he protested to Can Too.
Can Too whispered (6) in his ear and left. The next day Can Too stood before
the monkeys and proclaimed, "How wonderful! The guy's got the damned thing
after all! (7) From now on, nobody will be able to give Toke Some a hard
time."
NOTES: 1. Munchies: One of the hazards of alchemically assisted meditation.
2. Time to eat: Once the monkeys got time, they had a time for every-
thing - "annual retentive sort".
3. Cubicle: a) monkey existential control ("Exist or be boxed"); b)
tricked into playing a monkey head game.
4. Hasn't figured it out: a) yet unenlightened; b) didn't get the joke.
5. Problem: a) ripples in the ranks; b) another monkey head game.
6. Whispered: What did he whisper? Why?
7. Got the thing/no hard time: Really? Or is this more monkey management?
XIV Cat Nonsense
One day some monkeys were arguing about a cat (1) and Nonsense overheard it.
Seizing the cat, Nonsense declared, "You monkeys. If any one of you can say
the right thing (2), I'll spare the cat. If not, ..." Nobody spoke, and
Nonsense, and the cat, ...(3) Later that day, Joe Shoe returned and Nonsense
told him the whole story. Joe Shoe took off his shoe, tore it up, and took
his hose (4) on his way. Nonsense thought to himself, "If only Joe Shoe were
there, ..."
NOTES: 1. Cat: a) Meow! Prrr! Wrww! Hsss!; b) Catma, a paradox, strange loop,
dogma buster.
2. Say the right thing: Say something, you cowards! or I'll make you
sing camp songs (like "99 Bottles")!
3. Nonsense, and the cat,...: What did they do? Is Schroedinger's Cat
alive or what?
4. Hose=tearup(shoe): That Joe's a real hoser! But you can see how
Nonsense predominates this case.
XV Cracked Skull
Toe Sand went to get the message from Um Uh and was asked, "Where are you
from?" "From the coast (1)," he replied. "Why did you come here?" "I came
to find myself." "Where did you lose yourself? (2)" "On a trip (3)." "Get
out! Or I'll crack your skull (4)." The next day Toe Sand returned and
appealed, "Yesterday you said you'd crack my skull. I didn't do something
wrong, did I?" Um Uh bursted, "You complete and utter yardacre! (5) D'hell
you come here from the coast anyway?" Toe Sand was illuminated on the spot.
NOTES: 1. From coast: Personal history? This isn't a job interview. Please
check your baggage at the front desk.
2. Where lose oneself: Somewhere else, but the light is better here.
3. Trip: a) without ticket (mind games); b) with ticket (mined games).
4. Crack skull: a) beat the shit out of; b) decipher the mind code.
5. Yardacre: Does anyone know what this means? I'll bet Letis doesn't
either.
XVI Macro/MicroCosmos
Um Uh said, "The Macro/MicroCosmos (1) is so vast and so tiny; why do you go
around according to clocks and calendars (2)?"
NOTES: 1. Macro/MicroCosmos: Infinite extension of the 0REZ, the Mysterious
Presence, in all dimensions.
2. Clocks and calendars: Slaves of time, maybe, but thyme adds spice
to the sauce. (wrww!)
XVII Confinement
The National Nettle (1) called a monkey thrice and thrice did he answer. The
Nettle then said, "I thought I confined you (2), but in fact it is you who
confined me (3)."
NOTES: 1. National Nettle: This guy was renowned for his stinging encounters.
2. Confined you: a) trapped him in a named person; b) trapped him in a
call-answer game.
3. Confined me: a) reduced his utterances to calls; b) wouldn't let him
have the last word.
XVIII Laughing Matter
A monkey asked Toe Sand, "What is Buddha?" Toe Sand replied, "Three grams
(1) of laughing matter (2)."
NOTES: 1. Three grams: a) metric quantity; b) the Trigram, Psi-Chi-Delta.
2. Laughing matter: a) alchemical supplement; b) a funny G.A.M.E.
(i.e., (G)atekeeper (A)lchemist (M)age (E)xtra0rdinary 0ne).
XIX Tao
Joe Shoe asked Nonsense, "What is Tao (1)?" Nonsense answered, "No matter
where you go, you may have a fine walk (2)." "No particular direction?" Joe
Shoe continued. Nonsense replied, "As long as ye seek, ye shall never find
(3)." "Then how shall I know it's the Tao?" "If you think, 'I know well,'
little truth do you know. If you think, 'I know not,' truly nothing do
you know (4). No noise is ease (5)." Joe Shoe was suddenly Illuminated.
NOTES: 1. Tao: a) 0REZ; b) Way, i.e., How to proceed?
2. Fine walk: a) Tao is everywhere you are/go; b) Tao lets you not do
anything in particular; c) OK, a fine walk - but I was inquiring
about Tao.
3. Seek/Find: Geographic Information System (map) vs. Real-Time Display
(territory); actually, the two are subsystems of the Reality Inform-
ation System (suchness).
4. Know/Not know: Gnosis is no scis (science).
5. No noise is ease: a) NO NO (EASE)=IS (EASE); b) Silence is golden;
c) No particular noise is the best noise, not even anti-noise.