Last-modified: 2002/2/23--Corrected a few links.
***** ALT.DEVILBUNNIES FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS*****
FAQ Appendix Part 3e
First conceived in May, 1995. First written 17 Sept, 1996.
Updated 29 Sept, 13 Oct, 11 Dec, 1996, 30 Jul, 29 Oct and 6 Nov 1997,
4 Jan 1998, 31 Dec 1999, 5 Sept, 2001 and 23 Feb, 2002.
Compiled and written by Scott Bernier using information from various
his own writing, Aaron Mandelbaum, Sadie Squirrel, Kkatman, alt.db FAQ
Addendum/Appendix #3 and #3c maintained by Bill Keyes, and the
alt.devilbunnies archives maintained by SnowHare. Special thanks to
those above for reviewing this along with: Karl Kauffman, Susan Franz,
Remus Shepard, Jan Mayo, and Heather Fieldhouse.
Addendum: Special thanks to the following for reviewing in 2001: Bill
Keyes, Kkatman, Heather Fieldhouse, Wynn, JennyM, and colin, and
Dedicated to the countless squirrels who have suffered under the paws
of their evil devilbunny masters.
***** The Squirrels *****
Q. What is the role of squirrels in alt.devilbunnies?
A. Squirrels are not the focus of the war, the devilbunnies are.
Squirrels have been used as slaves by the devilbunnies for over a
century as far as we can tell. The BunnyMover FAQ (#3a) states that
the first bunnymover system tunnels were paw-dug by squirrel slaves.
Many died in fulfilling the wishes of their masters. These early
slaves were not intelligent, but normal, trained squirrels. More
recently, the intelligent squirrels have begun to rise up against
their fluffy masters.
Q. Whoa! Intelligent squirrels?
A. Yes, I said intelligent squirrels. The devilbunnies found that
trained squirrels could only perform certain tasks and only after
months of training. To do a new task, they had to be retrained. Some
mentats conceived that if their intelligence could be enhanced,
perhaps almost to the level of a regbun, then the slaves could perform
more complicated tasks more quickly. Research began in the mid-60's
and the first experiments were conducted around 1970. There was
little success at first. Either it just didn't work, or the squirrels
would go insane and have to be killed. Then came the squirrelvirus.
Q. Squirrelvirus? What's that?
A. Some rogue mentats at University Circle (UCIRC) Warren beneath Case
Western Reserve University began experiments to alter the bunnyvirus.
The altered virus converted squirrels. It did not change the
squirrels into bunnies, but it enhanced their intelligence. The
limitation was that the squirrelvirus was imperfect, and required an
influx of cutons during the conversion process, or else the squirrels
would end up twisted and evil. Liquefied SPAM(tm) is the cuton source
used most often.
The experiments worked too well. The squirrels became sentient and
rebelled against their masters. The resulting revolt attracted nearby
Fudds who destroyed the warren and all paws in it, or so the buns and
Fudds assumed for the next twenty years. Then these squirrels made
contact with the outside world and have been a headache to the
devilbunnies ever since.
Q. Wait a minute! If this squirrelvirus is based on bunnyvirus, does
that make these squirrels carriers of this disease?
A. Squirrels converted via the squirrelvirus are carriers of the
squirrelvirus and can infect and thus convert normal squirrels with
Q. But if it's based on bunnyvirus, could it turn humans into
A. Not directly. Remember it was engineered to improve or enhance the
intelligence of a squirrel. There are rumors that with a little
outside help, squirrelvirus can turn a human into a squirrel. Very
few squirrels actually know whether or not this rumor is true, but
they're keeping their muzzles shut. Taking into account the poor
survival rate of human-to-bun conversions and that a squirrel is
smaller then a rabbit, even if this transformation were possible, the
resulting shock to the victim's body due to the large body mass loss
in the process would most likely result in death.
Q. So is this the only way squirrels can be made intelligent?
A. No. After the 'failure' with the squirrelvirus some mentats, most
noteworthy being Rabbit Mentat at Namakata Labs, began to experiment
with nanite enhancement. They injected squirrels with nanites which
multiplied within the host body and set themselves-up within the brain
of the host. The experiments were successful, but the squirrels
remained dependant upon the nanites for the rest of their lives.
After several years of trial and error the technique was improved upon
and the nanites altered the actual structure of the host's brain cells
and the DNA of the host's brain, before dissolving harmlessly.
The experiments proved so successful that most warrens with squirrel
slaves adopted the method. Alas they did not discover one 僧inor'
defect with this method. The DNA of the entire squirrel was altered,
not just the brain cells. The new DNA was passed down from one
generation to the next. By the time it was discovered by the
devilbunnies, it was too late to attempt to reverse the process.
Q. Wait. Are you saying that when these enhanced squirrels mate,
their offspring are born intelligent?
A. Yes. Due to the alteration of the DNA, intelligence is now passed
onto the next generation without the need/help of nanites.
Q. A baby rabbit is called a kit. What is baby squirrel called?
A. The first intelligent squirrels were raised by their fluffy
masters. Since the bunnies call their young a kit, these squirrels
did likewise with their own offspring. The proper term is 'pup', but
is pretty obscure. Few humans know this term, even fewer squirrels
have heard it.
Q. You mentioned earlier about the revolt at UCIRC. Have there been
A. Beginning in mid-1994, a dissident squirrel using the alias, Sadie
Squirrel, spoke-out against bunny suppression. Her famous treatise
titled, "Squirrel Liberation", became widely read by the squirrel
slaves, which in turn began to sew the seeds of revolt throughout the
slaves. To this day she moves secretly from warren to warren aiding
in the revolution.
Q. May I see a copy of this "Squirrel Liberation"?
A. Unfortunately, the devilbunnies have destroyed every copy they can
get their paws on. A standing Nibble Notice states that
anybun/squirrel found with a copy of this treasonous paper is to be
executed on sight and the paper destroyed. Only excerpts survive to
this day such as:
"All squirrels are brothers, and the family that does not fight is the
stronger for it. Join paws with your brothers, that we may together
resist the oppression of the Devilbunnies" (Chap. 4, p. 45).
Q. In addition to tooth and claw, do squirrels use any sort of
A. Squirrels are very ingenious and have adapted many tools/toys as
weapons. Some example squirrel personal weapons include (but have not
been limited to): pointy sticks, children's key ring supersoakers,
mini-crossbows, broken glass, discarded razors, and needles. Still,
many squirrels just use tooth and claw.
Q. So all the squirrels are either slaves or former slaves, right?
A. Wrong. Some actually follow their masters willingly thinking that
they are being treated as near equals. Most of these squirrels are
known as blackies. They are mostly gray squirrels with too much
pigmentation in their skin and fur (melanotic--as opposed to a lack of
pigmentation like an albino). These poor misled squirrels tend to be
the first to fall in battle against the Army of Fudd as they are used
mainly by the devilbunnies for "Polish Mine Detectors", setting off
traps meant to kill the devilbunnies.
Q. Why black squirrels?<BR>
A. Who knows? Black is a traditional color of death and evil. One
theory is that the devilbunnies selectively bred their slaves for
melanism because they thought it was cool, a mark of status like
having a purebred dog. Perhaps the descendants of these squirrels
tend to feel an undue pride at having been among the favored squirrels
and thus their loyalty to their fluffy masters. (Special thanks to
Q. I keep seeing [flicking] in posts by squirrels. Is this anything
like a bunny (fluffing)?
A. It is similar. Squirrels communicate with a combination of chirps,
chitters and wigwagging of their tails. The flicks in brackets are a
form of this last communication. The number of different styles of
tail flicks is as diverse as bunny fluffs and detailed descriptions
will not be covered here. For a brief list, see Aldin Busheytail's
homepage at: http://home.gwi.net/~moxieman/aldin.html.
Q. Are there any established groups of liberated squirrels?
A. There are several groups, but many remain in hiding to keep from
being discovered by nearby devilbunny warrens. Who knows, there could
be a group in your backyard.
Q. How are squirrels viewed in the world of alt.devilbunnies?
A. They are laughed at, considered crazy, and overall mostly ignored
except as comic relief. There are a few exceptions, but overall
neither side consider the squirrels a serious threat. The majority of
the devilbunnies consider squirrels to be either a useful tool in the
war against the Fudds or they consider them to be a nuisance that
should be eliminated or even a tasty snack. Many buns and Fudds
simply refer to the squirrels as tree rats. The few squirrels who
have the respect of one side or the other worked hard to gain that
Q. Tasty snack? Are intelligent squirrels edible? Especially those
converted by squirrel virus? If it's based on bunnyvirus and
devilbunnies are inedible, what about squirrels converted by
A. We took this question directly to the squirrels in question. The
answer they gave was:
(ponderflick, flick, flick) We're not telling! }:3
Several devilbunnies admit that squirrels, intelligent or not, are
very tasty. A recently captured devilbunny cookbook was found to
contain many recipes for tree rat.
Q. Cool! I want some intelligent squirrels at my base/in my warren.
How do I get some?
A. If you are a devilbunny, most likely you can have some squirrel
slaves shipped in. If you are in a larger warren, you might be able
to get your paws on squirrel-enhancement nanites, but this is rare as
there are more then enough squirrel slaves to go around.
If you are a Fudd, contact an established squirrel faction and ask for
some help. Offer some gifts in exchange. (chitter) We...(erflick)
They usually love cashews and other offers of nuts in exchange for
aid. The rebel squirrels may vary from group to group in their
abilities, but most make excellent scouts. If there aren't any
intelligent squirrels in your area, you can attempt to contact the
UCIRC squirrels and ask for a squirrelvirus shipment. Then you can
create your own army of intelligent squirrels, but this isn't as easy
as it sounds. Please refer to the details of the squirrelvirus
process above if you choose this route.
Q. Is there anything else I should know?
A. Well, the experiments to make squirrels intelligent only involved
tree squirrels, mostly grays, fox squirrels, and reds. The buns
viewed the ground squirrel species as too 'dumb' to bother with. Thus
the derogatory term some devilbunnies use for squirrels: "chipmunks"
referring to their stupidity and inferiority in the eyes of the
Q. What if I have more questions to ask?
A. You can contact current squirrel authors who may be able to help
you through the author mailing list.
Thus ends FAQ 3e: The Squirrels.
Contents copyright 1996-2002 by Scott Bernier for all involved.
And alt.dbs resident meteorologist