Google Groups no longer supports new Usenet posts or subscriptions. Historical content remains viewable.
Dismiss
Re: another in several decades of lonely christmases
3 views
Skip to first unread message
Message has been deleted
Ethan42
Dec 26, 2011, 1:45:14 AM12/26/11
to
None <tarkania...@spamgourmet.com> wrote in news:393f41b2-5ce5-4a59-
9988-266...@u6g2000vbc.googlegroups.com:
> x-no-archive: yes
>
> with me, friendships never form and relatives stay alienated. another
> xmas came and went, and alone i remained, alone and hopeless, how many
> others know that feeling?
>
Ofcourse. This xmas must have been the 7th time.
Next time I should get more wine, as I am used to, but I didn't feel like
shopping on Saturday.
9988-266...@u6g2000vbc.googlegroups.com:
> x-no-archive: yes
>
> with me, friendships never form and relatives stay alienated. another
> xmas came and went, and alone i remained, alone and hopeless, how many
> others know that feeling?
>
Ofcourse. This xmas must have been the 7th time.
Next time I should get more wine, as I am used to, but I didn't feel like
shopping on Saturday.
sasha
Dec 26, 2011, 10:49:36 PM12/26/11
to
I do.
When I was growing up my mother was an alcoholic, who drank to cover up her
mental illness. In other words when she got sober she didn't get better.
We had many bad Christmasses.
Then, from 1990-to 2003 I lived with an alcoholic, who basically ruined
every Christmas.
Then in the Christmas of 2004, I moved out on my own which was immediately
followed by a psychotic break with reality which lasted for 3 years. That
first Christmas was very dark, for me it was as if hell had dawned upon the
earth. The next Christmas, still crazy, I worked the night shift, as a
security guard ( yes the irony) because I could not handle the day. The
next Christmas after that 2006, I worked housekeeping at a hotel, still
alone. 2007, I was working at a funeral home but got the day Christmas off.
There was a fellow who had recently died, to the relief of his parents.
That sounds cruel I know, but the story of this guy was that he was a bright
kid who had his whole future ahead of him, just graduated engineering and
secured a position at a good firm, was engaged to be married, and then got
into a motorcycle accident which left him paralyzed and unable to speak.
Apparently he was still mentally functioning but was trapped inside of this
body and the most compassionate thing to happen was death...and I thought
about this guy , where hope for him had become death itself. The stunning
thing to realize was that in a way he mirrored me at the time. See I had
become "bat shit crazy" at the time, and people who don't actually know what
"bat shit crazy" really is think that if you know you are crazy or suspect
it, then you can't be "bat shit crazy" to which I respectfully disagree.
I was, at the time, living under a delusion that the whole world was trapped
inside my body. If I smoked a cigarette, it was a holocaust. The world
knew my every thought, even thoughts I was sure were not mine but were
planted. I say "planted" and that doesn't mean voices in my head, but
someone impersonating the thoughts in my head making it look like they were
my own before the world which was apparently trapped inside my body. So
racist thoughts were planted inside my head, and I had to account for them
as if they were my own. When I was growing up one of my best friends was
East Indian yet there was my head saying "f'in paki" every time I saw an
East indian. one time I came up to the cash register at a supermarket and
there was my head sayin "f'in paki" and I just wept before her unable to
explain myself, thinking of course she could hear me. When I decided to try
the day again ( which was hard if the whole world can hear your thoughts you
understand, it is better if say your thoughts are disturbing someone in say
the middle east, because you can ignore them) my head was swearing at women
all of the time calling them "f'in c*nts". The day was a whole new
challenge, being in motion while your head is a raging maniac swearing all
of the time. Every poster, billboard, song on the radio, commercial, tv
show, accusing you, sneering at you, ridiculing you.
Somehow or other I gradually learned to cope with this new disturbing
station in life, and for example my head stopped swearing at women and East
Indians. But I hated beauty, I despised butterflies and flowers and
sunlight, things that other people could enjoy---I hated them, they made me
weep with poisonous envy. For beauty about all i could handle was a bit of
sunlight sparkling off of a rock or the smooth surface of a wooden twig. I
tried in that last year, when my hope was as low as that engineer trapped in
his body, I tried to see if i could walk into a door that I had somehow
walked through that turned my world upside down to see if I could undo it.
It didn't work, I ended up at a Bible study chanting that i was the spawn of
Satan over and over again, disturbing everyone there.
Apparently I had set off a number of alarms and while they barred me from
that study they prayed for me, and offered me five free counselling sessions
with a psychologist of my choice. Prior to this time, I had flown under the
radar because I rarely spoke, I was like a walking camera trying to hold
inside of me the raging thoughts hoping they would never come out. For
example, in May 2007 , I remember, it was the first time I had spoken 3
sentences in a row. it was a milestone, nearly a conversation. I
remembered when this first started, I went to see a priest and told him
about the smoking and the holocaust---he said perhaps \i felt guilty about
smoking. Then six months later I went to emergency ,I was going to tell
the doctors everything but this thing inside of me said the doctors were out
of their depth, what were they gonna do, give me a pill? Then I would
pretend to appreciate it and respect them but it would not help...so \i
talked myself out of help right there in the waiting room, and instead
bought a 26 of vodka and cut and burned my body and tried to break my hands
instead. I did all kinds of weird stuff, shaved my head at a dog grooming
place ( twice) , yeah cut my body with a razor blade then put on a white
clean teeshirt so that it would get blood spatters and wear that, went to
jail twice...man...homeless shelters
finally I ended up where i needed to be, at a funeral home as a cleaner, it
made me feel better being around all of those mourners. I was mourning.
Then there was that kid, and I wept for him and \i wept for me. i mourned
being human once, now living as--- i didn't know what I was exactly. I
thought about how it never really got better but that i learned somehow to
cope with it but that I did not want to spend the rest of my life this way.
I longed for death and relief just like him. Then that bible study and
people praying for me. I truly was "untouchable" in the real world a caste
of "untouchables" is horrible, but in spiritual matters there really is such
a thing as a person who is "untouchable" you just can't reach them, but
prayer is real in this place and it helped. Their prayers helped me. the
ever so small and slight dawning of reality crept in...how did people do
brain surgery for example, with my swearing head blasting across the world?
Or how did they take really difficult exams? Finally I phoned a crisis line
and , smoking a cigarette, I asked if they were being choked out, was this
holocaust taking place?Then I phoned 6 other places, most of them prayer
lines, asking the same thing. By the end of that day i collected evidence
from 7 disinterested parties who had no reason to lie, that this lie or
delusion I was living under did not take place, and was not in fact taking
place.
February 2008 the delusion ended. I got my five counselling sessions,
because now I was ready to go. It had to have been the prayers. Three
years following that post traumatic stress syndrome and trying to learn to
be human again, first road testing my brain to see if it was still
functioning in its old capacity, starting off professionally at the bottom,
very humbling. Worried, often, maybe even always if evil was always present
with me and if people could sense something a bit "off" about me. trying to
do Christmasses again with family, feeling very much the outsider, like some
ravaged war veteran whose eyes are coffins, black , lightless corpses.
I felt like I had seen Jesus die His ignomonious death on the cross, where
He was made out to be a lie, a hideous, grotesque lie, I felt like I was
even there, at the foot of the cross, and maybe even like Peter, denied Him,
the last bit of faith draining out of me joining in with the chorus saying
"this was a lie". That has a way of haunting you , it does. I remember how
I looked at other Christians with envy at their innocence. I remember
reading a story about a young child girl who was led out of her home into
the forest by her father and left there to die , while he went back to his
family and they returned to their happy family life without her...she found
her way back to the him and watched them live out their happy family life
while she stayed out back by the garbage and ate the scraps of food they
tossed out and slept in her own defecation. I felt like that child, while
all the other Christians were that happy family. And I wondered why, the
same way this child wondered, that this innocence, this joy ( when I first
accepted Jesus) had to be ripped from me with such violence.
This is the 7th year from the beginning of that tribulation. I am blessed
beyond belief. I have a Christian, "innocent" boyfriend. I have family and
friends and I felt myself "inside" for the first time in my entire life.
God has given me dreams that I couldn't even hope for myself, I just don't
have that staggering imagination that He has. I find myself grateful for
having gone through those years, because as I read the Bible, and it doesn't
go into great detail, but I am fairly sure His disciples went through a
similar trial of faith, as He went to the cross and all after they had
pinned all their hopes on Him. They too must have gone to hell and back,
and I reason this was so that they could have some basis for speaking to
people who hated God, thought Jesus was a fraud or felt they were beyond
redemption.
One time when I was at a homeless shelter, I remember reading my devotional
, I remember being ashamed of the whole Jesus thing, thinking nah it wasn't
enough, not to deal with this, not to deal with these people and where they
were at. Now, I know better, that is one rugged cross, fit for all that
life throws at you, fit for death and then beyond,I can't think of a single
thing that could surpass it.
The good news is that God is really good. Jesus says that "No one can come
to the Father but through Me" the reason is because we are broken, honestly.
The most important thing to know about God is that He loves us, but loves us
too much too let us stay where we are, and He has plans and dreams for our
lives that we cannot imagine for ourselves. To not know that God loved us
so much that \he sent His Son for us, for that love---is like not knowing
the most important thing to know about God, which is almost like not knowing
Him at all. When you encounter that passage where all reliable laws are
suspended and the whole world is upside down, and life itself is a complete
terror, remember the one main thing John 3:16 and you will, finally and at
the end of it all *rest* joyously. I have been to hell and back, truly my
body was on fire, absolute fire, with every possible challenge to Jesus
thrown its way. I now understand why it is so important to believe, even
when all hope is gone and faith is impossible. My good works, my intentions
could not bring me back from the abyss. I thought Jesus was stupid and
silly, but that cross is truly rugged and withstands everything.
Think about it, if you don't know God now or care to know Him now, what
about death , the death of your physical body changes anything that you
should find yourself in a place called heaven. For without the sanctuary of
my flesh and bones ( this individuality you should prize, this safe home) I
was fodder and carried by every thing, every spirit. I had no rest, only
terror. Yes Virginia, hell does exist, and its smarter than you, what is
gonna pull you through? My answer, through everything----Jesus.
"None" wrote in message
news:393f41b2-5ce5-4a59...@u6g2000vbc.googlegroups.com...
When I was growing up my mother was an alcoholic, who drank to cover up her
mental illness. In other words when she got sober she didn't get better.
We had many bad Christmasses.
Then, from 1990-to 2003 I lived with an alcoholic, who basically ruined
every Christmas.
Then in the Christmas of 2004, I moved out on my own which was immediately
followed by a psychotic break with reality which lasted for 3 years. That
first Christmas was very dark, for me it was as if hell had dawned upon the
earth. The next Christmas, still crazy, I worked the night shift, as a
security guard ( yes the irony) because I could not handle the day. The
next Christmas after that 2006, I worked housekeeping at a hotel, still
alone. 2007, I was working at a funeral home but got the day Christmas off.
There was a fellow who had recently died, to the relief of his parents.
That sounds cruel I know, but the story of this guy was that he was a bright
kid who had his whole future ahead of him, just graduated engineering and
secured a position at a good firm, was engaged to be married, and then got
into a motorcycle accident which left him paralyzed and unable to speak.
Apparently he was still mentally functioning but was trapped inside of this
body and the most compassionate thing to happen was death...and I thought
about this guy , where hope for him had become death itself. The stunning
thing to realize was that in a way he mirrored me at the time. See I had
become "bat shit crazy" at the time, and people who don't actually know what
"bat shit crazy" really is think that if you know you are crazy or suspect
it, then you can't be "bat shit crazy" to which I respectfully disagree.
I was, at the time, living under a delusion that the whole world was trapped
inside my body. If I smoked a cigarette, it was a holocaust. The world
knew my every thought, even thoughts I was sure were not mine but were
planted. I say "planted" and that doesn't mean voices in my head, but
someone impersonating the thoughts in my head making it look like they were
my own before the world which was apparently trapped inside my body. So
racist thoughts were planted inside my head, and I had to account for them
as if they were my own. When I was growing up one of my best friends was
East Indian yet there was my head saying "f'in paki" every time I saw an
East indian. one time I came up to the cash register at a supermarket and
there was my head sayin "f'in paki" and I just wept before her unable to
explain myself, thinking of course she could hear me. When I decided to try
the day again ( which was hard if the whole world can hear your thoughts you
understand, it is better if say your thoughts are disturbing someone in say
the middle east, because you can ignore them) my head was swearing at women
all of the time calling them "f'in c*nts". The day was a whole new
challenge, being in motion while your head is a raging maniac swearing all
of the time. Every poster, billboard, song on the radio, commercial, tv
show, accusing you, sneering at you, ridiculing you.
Somehow or other I gradually learned to cope with this new disturbing
station in life, and for example my head stopped swearing at women and East
Indians. But I hated beauty, I despised butterflies and flowers and
sunlight, things that other people could enjoy---I hated them, they made me
weep with poisonous envy. For beauty about all i could handle was a bit of
sunlight sparkling off of a rock or the smooth surface of a wooden twig. I
tried in that last year, when my hope was as low as that engineer trapped in
his body, I tried to see if i could walk into a door that I had somehow
walked through that turned my world upside down to see if I could undo it.
It didn't work, I ended up at a Bible study chanting that i was the spawn of
Satan over and over again, disturbing everyone there.
Apparently I had set off a number of alarms and while they barred me from
that study they prayed for me, and offered me five free counselling sessions
with a psychologist of my choice. Prior to this time, I had flown under the
radar because I rarely spoke, I was like a walking camera trying to hold
inside of me the raging thoughts hoping they would never come out. For
example, in May 2007 , I remember, it was the first time I had spoken 3
sentences in a row. it was a milestone, nearly a conversation. I
remembered when this first started, I went to see a priest and told him
about the smoking and the holocaust---he said perhaps \i felt guilty about
smoking. Then six months later I went to emergency ,I was going to tell
the doctors everything but this thing inside of me said the doctors were out
of their depth, what were they gonna do, give me a pill? Then I would
pretend to appreciate it and respect them but it would not help...so \i
talked myself out of help right there in the waiting room, and instead
bought a 26 of vodka and cut and burned my body and tried to break my hands
instead. I did all kinds of weird stuff, shaved my head at a dog grooming
place ( twice) , yeah cut my body with a razor blade then put on a white
clean teeshirt so that it would get blood spatters and wear that, went to
jail twice...man...homeless shelters
finally I ended up where i needed to be, at a funeral home as a cleaner, it
made me feel better being around all of those mourners. I was mourning.
Then there was that kid, and I wept for him and \i wept for me. i mourned
being human once, now living as--- i didn't know what I was exactly. I
thought about how it never really got better but that i learned somehow to
cope with it but that I did not want to spend the rest of my life this way.
I longed for death and relief just like him. Then that bible study and
people praying for me. I truly was "untouchable" in the real world a caste
of "untouchables" is horrible, but in spiritual matters there really is such
a thing as a person who is "untouchable" you just can't reach them, but
prayer is real in this place and it helped. Their prayers helped me. the
ever so small and slight dawning of reality crept in...how did people do
brain surgery for example, with my swearing head blasting across the world?
Or how did they take really difficult exams? Finally I phoned a crisis line
and , smoking a cigarette, I asked if they were being choked out, was this
holocaust taking place?Then I phoned 6 other places, most of them prayer
lines, asking the same thing. By the end of that day i collected evidence
from 7 disinterested parties who had no reason to lie, that this lie or
delusion I was living under did not take place, and was not in fact taking
place.
February 2008 the delusion ended. I got my five counselling sessions,
because now I was ready to go. It had to have been the prayers. Three
years following that post traumatic stress syndrome and trying to learn to
be human again, first road testing my brain to see if it was still
functioning in its old capacity, starting off professionally at the bottom,
very humbling. Worried, often, maybe even always if evil was always present
with me and if people could sense something a bit "off" about me. trying to
do Christmasses again with family, feeling very much the outsider, like some
ravaged war veteran whose eyes are coffins, black , lightless corpses.
I felt like I had seen Jesus die His ignomonious death on the cross, where
He was made out to be a lie, a hideous, grotesque lie, I felt like I was
even there, at the foot of the cross, and maybe even like Peter, denied Him,
the last bit of faith draining out of me joining in with the chorus saying
"this was a lie". That has a way of haunting you , it does. I remember how
I looked at other Christians with envy at their innocence. I remember
reading a story about a young child girl who was led out of her home into
the forest by her father and left there to die , while he went back to his
family and they returned to their happy family life without her...she found
her way back to the him and watched them live out their happy family life
while she stayed out back by the garbage and ate the scraps of food they
tossed out and slept in her own defecation. I felt like that child, while
all the other Christians were that happy family. And I wondered why, the
same way this child wondered, that this innocence, this joy ( when I first
accepted Jesus) had to be ripped from me with such violence.
This is the 7th year from the beginning of that tribulation. I am blessed
beyond belief. I have a Christian, "innocent" boyfriend. I have family and
friends and I felt myself "inside" for the first time in my entire life.
God has given me dreams that I couldn't even hope for myself, I just don't
have that staggering imagination that He has. I find myself grateful for
having gone through those years, because as I read the Bible, and it doesn't
go into great detail, but I am fairly sure His disciples went through a
similar trial of faith, as He went to the cross and all after they had
pinned all their hopes on Him. They too must have gone to hell and back,
and I reason this was so that they could have some basis for speaking to
people who hated God, thought Jesus was a fraud or felt they were beyond
redemption.
One time when I was at a homeless shelter, I remember reading my devotional
, I remember being ashamed of the whole Jesus thing, thinking nah it wasn't
enough, not to deal with this, not to deal with these people and where they
were at. Now, I know better, that is one rugged cross, fit for all that
life throws at you, fit for death and then beyond,I can't think of a single
thing that could surpass it.
The good news is that God is really good. Jesus says that "No one can come
to the Father but through Me" the reason is because we are broken, honestly.
The most important thing to know about God is that He loves us, but loves us
too much too let us stay where we are, and He has plans and dreams for our
lives that we cannot imagine for ourselves. To not know that God loved us
so much that \he sent His Son for us, for that love---is like not knowing
the most important thing to know about God, which is almost like not knowing
Him at all. When you encounter that passage where all reliable laws are
suspended and the whole world is upside down, and life itself is a complete
terror, remember the one main thing John 3:16 and you will, finally and at
the end of it all *rest* joyously. I have been to hell and back, truly my
body was on fire, absolute fire, with every possible challenge to Jesus
thrown its way. I now understand why it is so important to believe, even
when all hope is gone and faith is impossible. My good works, my intentions
could not bring me back from the abyss. I thought Jesus was stupid and
silly, but that cross is truly rugged and withstands everything.
Think about it, if you don't know God now or care to know Him now, what
about death , the death of your physical body changes anything that you
should find yourself in a place called heaven. For without the sanctuary of
my flesh and bones ( this individuality you should prize, this safe home) I
was fodder and carried by every thing, every spirit. I had no rest, only
terror. Yes Virginia, hell does exist, and its smarter than you, what is
gonna pull you through? My answer, through everything----Jesus.
"None" wrote in message
news:393f41b2-5ce5-4a59...@u6g2000vbc.googlegroups.com...
no one important
Dec 27, 2011, 4:23:02 AM12/27/11
to
On Sun, 25 Dec 2011 20:12:18 -0800 (PST), None
<tarkania...@spamgourmet.com> wrote:
x-no-archive: yes
>with me, friendships never form and relatives stay alienated. another
>xmas came and went, and alone i remained, alone and hopeless, how many
>others know that feeling?
This was my first Christmas alone. May start ignoring the holidays.
<tarkania...@spamgourmet.com> wrote:
x-no-archive: yes
>with me, friendships never form and relatives stay alienated. another
>xmas came and went, and alone i remained, alone and hopeless, how many
>others know that feeling?
%
Dec 27, 2011, 4:29:30 AM12/27/11
to
Message has been deleted
connie rahim
Mar 10, 2023, 6:42:02 AM3/10/23
to
you are all fools. all of you
0 new messages